by Christopher Robin Zimmerman
BLATANT PLUG: Tom Root from Toyfare
magazine has really got some nerve! He sent me some toys, called me a
"swag whore," then suggested I might wish to plug Toyfare magazine! Well, I'm not THAT
kind of SHILL! But I *will* say that should you find yourself visiting
their site at www.toyfare.com, you'd
definitely be well served to vote in the "Titanic Toy Tussle" - it ain't
wrestling, but we DO enjoy seeing groups of action figures struggle for
BLATANT PLUG #2: Okay, I went and found the wrestling bit. I KNEW there
was one SOMEWHERE. That link is http://www.toyfare.com/toyoffers/set8.html.
Okay. Hit it now, I'll be here with the Kings Update when you get back.
KINGS UPDATE: Hi, and welcome back. Hey! How lucky is that Lt. Yar
action figure to be between the Stone Cold Steve Austin and Undertaker
action figures, eh? Yeah. The Sacramento Kings are 18-11, 5th place and
7.5 GB - but only .012 between fifth and third, baby! Perhaps even more
interesting is the .004 between the last three teams fighting for the 8th
seed in the West - and by "interesting," I mean "interesting" in the sense
that less than 40% of the games have been played, so it really ISN'T
interesting in the slightest. But hell, the Kings are still not completely
sucking, so let's keep hyping them!
You are w...
One World Leader Attitude - GIANT TV-PG-DLV - WWF!
LAST MONDAY: The first RAW of the year once again saw a new WWF Champion
crowned. Now, you can SAY Triple H did it all by himself, but without
somebody to distract the referee, that low blow would NEVER have been
pulled off without some sort of disqualification. A trifling piffle to
most, I'm sure...
Backstage in the dressing room, Stephanie adresses Triple H on one sofa,
and the rest of DX on another sofa: "Last Monday night was a very proud
moment in the history of the World Wrestling Federation - when Triple H
beceame the World Wrestling Federation champion. But let's face it, it
wasn't incredibly proud night for ALL of DX now, was it? The three of you
couldn't defeat the Rock? You couldn't get the Rock fired? I mean,
granted, you know, Mick Foley - he ran in, but the three of you couldn't do
it anyway? Now, DX is all about perfection and certainly we can all strive
to do better. Now, I'm taking care of Mick Foley...Hunter and I have a
warrant out for his arrest should he trespass tonight - but, that leaves
the rest of you. Roadie, we haven't quite figured out what we're going to
do for you...but we'll let you know. X-Pac, you'll have the chance to
redeem yourself when you take on the Big Show." "Big Show? What the hell
you talking about - the Big Show? What about Thursday?" "Hey - hey! Big
Show, what's the problem? I went out against him, one on one, I beat him
for the title. You're every bit as good as I am - you have a problem with
that? Beat his ass. That's what you do. That's what WE do." "As another
example...Billy. I know that you and Road Dogg, you've kind of tried to
save the Acolytes for the Royal Rumble, but tonight, you'll have the
opportunity to soften BOTH of the Acolytes up - you'll take them on in a
Handicap match." "Whoa! Whoa - you're t- me - in a Handicap match against
the Acolytes - oh whoooa ho ho ho." "Relax - just relax. Get this job
done. You guys think you're the only one that's gonna sacrifice? You
think you're the only ones that's gonna walk in the ring tonight and
sacrifice for the betterment of this whole group? I am too." "That's
right. Tonight, history is being made - never before has a WWF Champion
entered himself into a random lottery - random drawing. It could even be
one of you facing Triple H tonight." "Anybody. Anybody here could get a
shot tonight. It's never been done before." "It's never been done, and
you know what? I am so incredibly proud of you." "I'm proud too. I'm
proud to be a member of DX - I'm proud to be a part of the McMahon-Helmsley
era." As they go to kiss, the camera moves over to the Outlaws & X-Pac,
who look - less than enthralled. Then we move back afterwards - so what's
exactly the deal with us never seeing them lock lips, eh? What's up with
that, huh? HUH?
FIREWORKS MAKE NOISE and we are ON TAPE and en espanol donde sea disponible
from the O-rena in Orlando, FL 6.1.2K (but taped 4.1)!
WELL IT'S THE BIG SHOW v. X-PAC - Why, Big Show, what a PRETTY braid you're
wearing! "Hi, I'm the Big Show - Monday I held the most prestigious belt
in the company - tonight I'm in the first man out in the prelim. I hate my
life." X-Pac isn't done posing with his "X" pyro before the Show drags him
outside, pounds on him a bit, there's a headbutt, and now back in the ring
with a press that takes him over the top rope from the floor! Show back in
over the top rope, headbutt again. Well it's a big slap - into the
opposite corner - coming out with an elbow across the back. In the corner,
kick, kick, kick, choke - up...around...and down...hard. Show standing on
the neck. Now using the ropes for leverage. Referee "Blind" Mike Chioda
over to try to force a break - Show pushes him away. Chioda rings the bell
(DQ 1:09) so Show gives him ahhhhhtheCHOKESLAAAAAM! X-Pac has a chair -
WHACK - Show doesn't feel it, instead turning and punching the chair into
X-Pac. Pretty cool. Well it's a big knee to the heart for good measure.
The various and sundry REFS & OFFICIALS make their appearance - Show scares
them all out of the ring with a glare and a lunge. Play his music! Show
picks up Chioda by one hand and then slides him out of the ring to the rest
of the refs on the outside. Here's a replay of the press over the ropes,
and the punch into the chair.
Jericho tells Chyna that teaming with her is a fate worse than death.
Chyna says she's not too happy about the situation either. The Kat wears
very little. All three of them are coming up...NEXT!
Police officers walk a beat outside the Orlando Arena. Are you telling me
Mick Foley can't even BUY A TICKET?!?
And now Jericho, Chyna and Kat are WALKING! Jericho commands Chyna to stay
on the apron and let HIM handle all the work.
WWF SmackDown! is brought to you by WWF: The Music (Volume 4 - available at
all Wherehouse Music stores), WWF WrestleMania XV: the DVD, and America
(ha!) Online 5.0 - still trying to get it right
HOLLYS (with Scale) v. THAT SLUT CHYNA (with Ernest Miller) & CHRIS
THURSDAY JERICHO - hey, Hollys get the "SmackDown! is brought to you by..."
- keep track of that for me, Ray. Chyna and then Jericho get separate
entrances. Jericho gets no mic time, sadly. He IS wearing the belt, which
he lifted on Monday. Check that "Co-Intercontinental Champion" chyron!
Jericho again issues directives to Chyna, and she's all "what-EVER" and
then Hardcore jumps Jericho from behind and Chyna decides maybe Jericho
WILL start this match, taking her place on the apron. Holly with a series
of elbows, and then stomps. Another poundin'. Off the ropes, Jericho
flies off with a flying jalapeno. Series of chops and elbows by Jericho.
Whip is reversed, and there's Hardcore Holly's Best Dropkick in the
Business. Tag to Crash. Kicking away in the corner, into the opposite
corner, but Jericho gets a boot up - clothesline ducked - Crash tries a
'rana, but Jericho stops him and tries the Walls of Jericho - which would
have worked, but Hardcore makes the save. Jericho reaches for Chyna - who
turns her back. Hardcore pounding away, Crash is back in - off the ropes,
kick for Hardcore, butterfly ino a tilt-a-whirl backbreaker for Crash.
Hardcore taken out, Jericho works over Crash, but a whip into the ropes is
reversed and Hardcore pulls the top rope to take Jericho over and down.
Chyna is over to help - Jericho pushes her away, so Chyna takes her own
partner down with a lariat. Chyna throws Jericho back in the ring to a
waiting Hardcore - there's a gutshot, and there's there's the Hollycaust
falcon arrow, and there's your pin. (2:25) Chyna nabs the belt and walks
off...presumably straight to a shower with the Kat - err, wait.
NOT MICK FOLEY is in Universal Studios, haunting children. "Hey man, stay
away from the kids." "Have a bad day! Have a bad day!" Yes, that's
Mideon, not X-Pac, I was wrong, it happens, let's all move on together, all
Stephanie and Hunter, watching from their office, seem to think that that's
REALLY Foley. Oh well. A knock at the door - on Helmsley's way out
(presumably to book a match for Angle) it's Tori coming in - all the
bathrooms are occupado, can she use theirs? Stephanie says knock yourself
out. MY question is, how long will it take her to peel out of that
The Acolytes are WALKING! They'll take on Billy Gunn - NEXT!
When we come back Road Dogg wants to know what his "punishment" is -
Stephanie says it's Hunter's decision tonight - well, where's he? - he's in
the bathroom - Hunter! - scream - ho ho ho! Stephanie smiles at her
ability to forget what happened before the ad break.
ACOLYTES v. KING ASS in a Handicap match - Let Us Take You Back to Monday
and show you the number that the Dudleys and the Posse did on them - then
let's show you Dogg telling Triple H that the Dudleys deserve a bonus.
Wonder why they showed THAT. Ass looks back behind him on his way down as
if the Posse were supposed to run in, but they're not there. Ass rushes the
ring - and gets mauled, go figure. Astonishing array of kicks and punches
from the 'lytes. Off the ropes, double clothesline ducked, Gunn with a
kick for Bradshaw, and a DDT for Faarooq (who had to keep his head down for
seemingly forever). Gunn going to town on Bradshaw - and running into a
clothseline from Faarooq. Each man takes turns unleashing rights on Ass.
Faarooq with the crotch chop! Into the ropes, double shoulderblock. Into
the corner, Bradshaw whipped - into a big boot. Clothesline for Faarooq -
Bradshaw with the Clothesline from Hell and Gunn spins around on his way
down. Looks like it's time to wind this one up. Faarooq with a headbutt.
Double neckbreaker. Any more moves they can use? Well, here's ROAD DOGG
to run-in (DQ 2:03) so I guess we won't find out tonight. Dogg with a
gutshot on Faarooq, right, off the ropes is reveresed, duck, left, left,
juke, jive, Faarooq says "nuts to this" and pastes him with a spinebuster.
Meanwhile, Bradshaw's destroying Gunn on the outside. Now Faarooq throws
Dogg out to join them. They're over the barricade and fighting...
Watching all this on the monitor (and ignoring Kane, who stands nearby) the
Helmsleys discuss what a great tag team title match we'll have at the Royal
Rumble between these four. Kane wrecks a bouquet of flowers on the coffee
table. "IIIIII...wanna match...with that *pervert*...Road
Dogg....noooooowww.." Hunter doesn't know what's up (guess he wasn't
watching THAT a monitor) but Stephanie is happy to give him the match.
There're some more cops outside the arena
TitanTron LIVE ad
Road Dogg has made his way back to the office after somehow getting away
from the Acolytes. Helmsley tells him that if Billy interferes in HIS
match, Triple H will have to let him go. "MY match?" Upon being informed
that he's got Kane (right now), Dogg goes ballistic, telling Stephanie "YOU
told him, didn't you?" Helmsley asks Stephanie what that was about -
Stephanie again plays dumb.
THROUGH HELLFIRE & BRIMSTONE IT'S KANE (with Tori) v. ROAD DOGG - "It's me,
it's me - it's the D-O-dubba........" and he barely croaks out the "G" as
Kane decides to meet him up the ramp and then punch away. Head to the
STEEL steps. Grabbing him by the braids, Kane takes him to the barricade.
Another right hand. Referee "Blind" Chad Patten suggesting the ring, Kane
chasing him off. Kane drops his throat on the barricade. Right hand
again. Dogg rolls in the ring and opening bell FINALLY sounds. Dogg
manages a few punches but they have no effect. Kane still all over him
with a brief break to chase off the ref. Kane with the big choke - now
he's outside the ring and laying into him with forearms across the
chest/neck. Kane back in - head to the corner. Raking the eyes. Right.
Stomp. Standing on the neck. If you were me, you would probably describe
the pace of this match as "deliberate." Choke on the top rope. Stomp.
Stomp. I could type this out with one finger. Vertical suplex coming up -
and there it is. Another gander at Tori's breasts - keeps the focus away
from her face. Back elbow. Scoop - and a slam. Off the ropes with a
legdrop. Kane not bothering with a cover. Cole: "Kane has tunnel vision -
and he's...extremely focused that tunnel on the Road Dogg!" HUH? Off the
ropes, Dogg manages a kick, ducks a lariat, right, right, whip is reversed,
duck, big boot from Kane. Kane outside - running to the corner, top
rope...jumping clothesline. X-PAC is out and making the "squeezy squeezy"
hand signal. Kane gets outside the ring, drawing Patten over and giving
Road Dogg the chance to come up from behind and Golota him with the ref
missing it. DDT on the STEEL ramp! Tori looks blank and vapid as always.
X-Pac's apparently back behind the curtain again. Right from the Dogg.
Back in the ring we go following a head to the apron. Left, left, left,
juke, jive, right, Kane's still up - that's just not working tonight, is
it. Dogg with the "whaddooahdo" look, so he fivearms him to the mat.
Wiggly wobbly wooqly kneedrop - MISSES! Kane with a chokeslam - then a
tombstone piledriver - and there's the pin after about half an hour - or,
There's the Rock - and he's - PACING? But who - I say who - is he FACING?
The Helmsleys still watching TV. "Who's the Rock facing tonight?" "The
Rock? Oh, the Rock's got a hell of a match! The Rock is gonna face the
(until now) undefeated Kurt Angle" "Kurt Angle?"
In Universal Studios, "Mankind" does a lot of moaning about how hardcore he
was before Triple H fired him - and then acts frightened at the "Jaws"
shark. "Boy - I sure am not scared of that anymore!"
WWF New York ad - Grand Opening REALLY SOON NOW
The *real* Mankind, on the other hand, is off in Manhattan eatin' ravioli -
and apparently spilling quite a bit onto his shirt. Have I told you lately
that Chefboy.com is quite possibly the LAMEST site on the Web?
And now, 1-800-COL-LECT brings you the WWF Slam-of-the-Week! From RAW,
Steve Blackman nails Kurt Angle with the kendo stick, giving him a DQ
victory against Kane. YEAH! Steve Blackman, baby! SLAM OF THE WEEK!
LA ROCA v. OLYMPIC GOLD MEDALIST, CELEBRATED REAL ATHLETE, AMERICAN HERO &
UNQUALIFIED SUCCESS IN LIFE KURT ANGLE (with giant TV-PG-DLV ratings box) -
Did you know "the Rock Says..." is on sale now? That's right, the Rock's
autobiography (with only a little help from a "real" author) is selling
like pancakes - do you like pancakes? Shut up now, the Rock is gonna
speak. "Finally, the Rock has COME BACK to Orlando! Last week on RAW is
WAR, Triple H - you threw 'em all at the Rock! You threw every member of
the roody poo Crew at the Rock! But like the Great One that the Rock is,
the Rock came out on top - 1, 2, 3. So the Rock says, thus declaring him,
thus declaring this the milliennium of the Rock, dammit, declaring the
Rock...the People's Champion. [Pause for "Rock E" chant] So the Rock
says, do you see it? The Rock says - do you taste it? The Rock says - do
you smell it? If ya smellllllllalalowww...what the Rock... ... is
cookin'." I'm thinking the interview is probably longer than this
match...well wait now, Angle's gonna take HIS shot at cuttin' a promo. "I
stand before you tonight - please - I stand before you tonight as an
Olympic champion - an American hero - a representative of this great
nation! A man who has gone and done battle in the Olympic games - and came
out a winner! Not to mention, I am still undefeated here in the World
Wrestling Federation! That's right! And as you know, I am a man of
intensity, integrity, and intelligence. So I feel that *I* should be the
People's Champion! You mean to tell me that you would prefer to pronounce
this GQ, smooth talkin', *smart aleck* as your People's Champion? Give me
a break!" Angle in the ring - Rock lifts a hand - and once again gets THE
STICK. "The Rock says you come down here and you run your mouth, and
you've managed to do something you never shoulda done, and that is annoy
the Rock. So the Rock says this - you are, no doubt, a true American hero.
And upon realising this, the Rock couldn't help but notice...all your gold
medals." Lawler: "Uh oh, I think I know where this is going...they're
already shiny, Rock!" "Well tonight, in Orlando [cheap local pop], the
Rock would like you to do something very special with those medals.
Something you probably have never done with medals. The Rock wants you to
take an all-American cloth. He wants you to take some all-American WAX,
and the Rock wants you to shine those medals up real nice. Shine 'em up
real good, 'cause you're very special. So the Rock says when you're done
shining, put the medals down. Do about thirteen jumping jacks, do about 27
sit-ups, do some squats, take those medals, turn those sumb(beep)es
sideways, and stick 'em straight up your Olympic ass!" Angle rushes him
and it's on. Entrances and filibusterin' took (8:07) - coulda been worse,
I guess. It could have been "This is the Rock's life." Rock sidesteps the
charge and puts Angle's head hard into the buckle. Right, right, right,
right, into the opposite corner, clothesline. Off the ropes, Angle grabs
the ropes and pulls himself out of the ring. Referee "Blind" Tim White
counts - Rock goes out after him and clotheslines him on the stage. Stomp.
Suplex attempt on the STEEL ramp is blocked - and Angle hits one of his
own. Stomping on the Rock, right hand, Rock back near the ring, Angle
takes his head to the STEEL steps. Angle with a bit of posing as Rock
rolls back in. Rock with "Iblockyourpunchyoudon'tblockmine." Three more
rights. Off the ropes is reversed, Angle with a nice overhead
belly-to-belly suplex for 2 (despite the fact that Rock's under the bottom
rope). Crowd chants "asshole" - or is it "Angle?" Angle stomping on Rock
in the corner, then standing on the neck. Rock blocks a right and hits
three of his own. Off the ropes reversed again, swinging neckbreaker from
the Rock for 2. Angle ducks a clothesline and hits a backdrop suplex.
Right hand. Whips falis when the Rock holds on (crowd chants "Roody poo")
and hits a gutshot, DDT, floatover, 2. Rock right, right, right, right,
right, spit in the palm, right. Into the opposite corner, Angle tries to
reverse, Rock holds on, Samoan drop, 2. STEVE BLACKMAN is out (finally! I
was so worried!) Rock takes him out with a right. Rock Bottom - no,
Blackman on the apron again. Rock drops Angle and brings Blackman in, then
stomps on him a bit. Kendo stick WHACK to the head. And here's one for
Angle. Whoops, shouldn't have done that - Angle wins via (DQ 3:45). Rock
hits Rock Bottom on Blackman as Tony Chimel announces the win for Angle,
followed by the standard hyperbolic celebration from Angle. Rock turns
back, walks back down the ramp and hits a spinebuster on Angle. Must be
time for that move all the kids talk about - the People's Elbow - and right
on the hour, too! Now play the Rock's music!
Backstage, Stephanie tells Triple H that Kurt Angle is still undefeated.
You know, Hunter...if you want something done right, you just MIGHT have to
do it yourself...
Here's a look at the tumbler filled with plastic bits - somebody's name
will be drawn tonight to take on Triple H for the title!
Here's a look at the cops waiting for Mankind
TitanTron LIVE ad (again)
EDGE (you think?) & CHRISTIAN & JEFF HARDY (with Matt Hardy & Nipples) v.
AL SNOW (with Head) & NO LIMIT DUDLEY BOYZ - Matt's wearing bandages from
the fingers Al Snow broke in the cage match on Monday - geez, that guy's
NEVER gonna be back at THIS rate! Talk about bad luck! What's that?
"Shut up?" YOU shut up! Let Us Take You Back to Thursday...and
Monday...and Al Snow missing two chances to collect on a bonus for taking
Jeff Hardy out. Backstage, D-Von and Buh-Buh Ray are seen WALKING!
backstage - D-Von remarking "Man, can you believe the bonus that DX has
iven us? Al Snow as a partner? Man, come on, let's do this!" Problem is,
I can't tell if he's being serious...or sarcastic! Christian and D-Von
start, lockup, knee from D-Von, right, right, whip into the ropes, duck,
gutshot, head to the mat, tag to Hardy. Snow comes in without a tag and
pummels Hardy. As referee "Blind" Jim Korderas deals with HIM, Buh-Buh Ray
comes in and the Dudleyz doubleteam Hardy. Buh-Buh stays in - right hand.
Right. Vertical suplex - nope, Hardy gets down on his own (shouldn't have
made it a half hour one, I guess), tries to whip Dudley, fails, Dudley
whips him into the unfriendly corner, where he manages a shot on both Snow
AND D-Von, but Buh-Buh Ray smashes with a right. Hard into the corner -
Hardy up and onto the shoulders - Buh-Buh does a 180 and takes him down
with a spinebuster. Snow again gets in the ring and attacks Christian &
Edge - bringing them both in and distracting Korderas. Snow and Buh-Buh
part the legs of Hardy so D-Von can hit the trademarked headbutt to the
graun. Buh-Buh takes him into the ropes - there's a TOWERING back
bodydrop. Clothesline and Hardy does a triple spin on his way down. Off
the ropes, head down, Hardy somersaults over his back (not landing on his
feet - oops), charges Dudley, who hangs onto the ropes, causing Hardy to
roll up ... himself. Hardy runs again, clothesline ducked, Hardy with a
'rana. Tag to Edge! Dudleyz in, Dudleyz down, Christian dropkicks Snow -
now all the brothers are brawling in the ring while Hardy recovers. This
leaves Snow alone on the outside - and making some eerie stalking motions
towards Terri. Matt stands in front of her, but before he gets near them
Jeff comes over the top rope with a somersault plancha onto Snow! Edge
trying a top-rope double sledge but ending up eating a clothesline from
Buh-Buh. Dudleyz doubleteaming Christian - nope, Edge spears D-Von,
preventing the 3D attempt while Christian flips out and hits a reverse DDT
on Buh-Buh. Edge with the downward spiral on D-Von - 1, 2, 3. (3:08)
Ummm, Edge didn't pin the legal man. Oh well. Snow, for an encore, gives
Head shots to both Dudleys, then walks off to his own music. I smell our
handicap match for next week! Hey, have you seen the pattern tonight? DQ,
clean pin, DQ, clean pin, DQ, clean pin. Hmmm....
"Mankind" tries to ride Woody's Nut-House, but the park's closed. He tries
to bribe the security guard - with a quarter. The guard's on the
walkie-talkie... "Hey, is that Woody Woodpecker?" "Where?" And he runs
off... "He's loose in the park - large masked guest, with a coin..."
Meanwhile, outside the building, cops await the REAL Mankind.
TitanTron Live ad - man, what I wouldn't give to see a nice SURGE ad in its
place - I miss it. "Love / is a burning thing / and it makes / a firey
ring / I ran into a burning ring of fire / and it burns, burns, burns /
ring of fire / ring of fire." Thank you, I'll be here all week!
TEST v. BIG BOSSMAN in a nontitle, non-hardcore match - Let Us Take You
Back to Last Week and also RAW and show you how the Helmselys have been
having fun booking Test against Bossman & Albert, with and without Mae
Young & Moolah as partners. We are told that this is all part of Stephanie
"softening Test up," although we are NOT told WHY exactly. Bossman
promises no run-ins and offers the hand of friendship(tm). Test doesn't
buy this and kicks away the hand, then unleashes a series of rights. Off
the ropes, reveresed, caught into a backbreaker. Bossman ranting to no one
in particular - how's that concussion? Choke - shoving him down.
Clothesline ducked, Test with a pair of rights and a back elbow. Off the
ropes is reversed, duck, Test with a clothesline. Bossman back up with a
right to the mask, there's another one, Test tied in the ropes, Bossman
removes the mask and PRINCE ALBERT IN A CAN is out. Bossman unties Test
and Albert pulls him outside for some nose shots as Bossman discusses the
NASDAQ correction with referee "Blind" Chad Patten. Bossman outside with a
VICIOUS knee to the nose. Drops him face first on the barricade. Albert:
"Hard to breathe, huh?" seveal times. Bossman with a forearm across the
nose. "Working on that Nose of Test!" exclaims Cole. Test elbows his way
up. Hard into the corner, Bossman puts up an elbow, Test scores with a big
boot. Hell, BOTH men probably have broken noses now. Who will get up
first? Test with "Iblockyourpunchyoudon'tblockmine." Right, right, off
the ropes, reversed, Test hits a gutshot and a DDT, but only gets 2. Into
the corner - Test runs at him, expecting Bossman to put the boots up -
stuttersteps into a thrust, then tell him to put the boots up this time,
please - a second charge - ahh, the boots are up now - Bossman runs at Test
but ends up on the wrong end of a powerslam. Albert on the apron, Test
knocks him down. Knee from Bossman, holding him for Albert's bicycle kick,
but of course Test clears out and the interference goes awry. Patten fails
to call a DQ here, instead letting Test take Albert to the outside and
cover Bossman for the 3. (4:04) Is Test holding his nose 'cause that
match stunk? No, probably not. Now Bossman is back up and taking no small
measure of umbrage with Albert - is there trouble in paradise?
Backstage, Triple H says that was a heck of an upset - but there's no way
there'll be an upset in HIS match - no matter who it is. He's The Game and
The tumbler is still...tumbling
At Universal Studios, "Mankind" spies the "Back to the Future" - he plans
on turning the hands of time back to his first WWF title victory - no,
check that, he'll go back to 15 March 1982, when his wife last found him
attractive enough to have sex.
Are those cops bored yet?
MEAN STREET POSSE v. KAI EN TAI - Backstage to the Helmsleys: "What's up
with them?" "I thought I'd reward them - you know, give them POSSIBLY
their first tag team win." The Posse meets the Japanese contingent at the
bottom of the aisle and lays a beatdown, then throws them in the ring.
Before THEY get in the ring, Michinoku hits a beautiful Asai moonsault on
the entire Posse. Abs placed in the ring - off the ropes, Taka drop
toehold, Funaki camel clutch, Taka dropkick to the face. Abs reverses a
whip in the corner - feet up. Right from Funaki - well, I don't know WHAT
that is - Funaki from the second rope with a flipover into a bulldog,
landing on his back. Right hand, off the ropes, reversed, Rodney puts a
knee in the back, Abs with a brainbuster. Northern Lights suplex gets 2.
Rodney tagged in - scoop - and a slam. Tag back to Abs. Off the ropes,
Rodney backdrops him into Abs, who plants him with a powerbomb - that's
apparently called the Stock Exchange. Cover, 1--Pete wants the tag and Abs
lets up. There's the tag. Gutshot, reverse full nelson (full nelson from
the front) into a stitout powerbomb - that's called the Gas Mask...somehow
Funaki kicks out! Time for one more finisher - Rodney tagged in for the
High Society (blockbuster) - unfortunately, Rodney hits Pete instead of
Funaki - and also, he lands RIGHT on his head (owch). Rodney with another
punch on Funaki, setting him up for a scoop - but Funaki slips out and Taka
dropkicks him into a schoolboy from Funaki - referee "Blind" Teddy Long
over - 1, 2, 3!! (3:02) The Posse can't believe it - they've lost AGAIN.
"You know, you give some people a chance - and they blow it." "You know,
speaking of chances..." Jesus, are these two just the FIRST COUPLE OF
SEGUES or WHAT??
While we gaze 'pon the exterior faire of the arena, let me (and Lawler)
reveal to you that 1-800-COL-LECT brings you the 2000 Royal Rumble!
In a meeting room, all the wrestlers are assembled - Steve Blackman talking
to Jacqueline? Hmmm... Stephanie addresses the masses. "Can I have your
attention, please? Can I have your attention?" Failing to get anyone's
attention, she grabs a chair and slams it to the floor with a big noise.
"DAMMIT! I said can I have your attention, please? Thank you very much.
This concerns each and every one of you, because tonight one of you will
have the chance to face the World Wrestling Federation champion - my
husband - Hunter Hearst Helmsley. Never before in the history of the World
Wrestling Federation has there been a champion with such honour and
dignity, to defend his title in a random drawing against one of you. All
of your names have been entered, and only one will be chosen, but Triple H
will defend against all comers. He is a champion with - with, with spirit.
He is a champion with, with pride. And I'm HONOURED to be his wife. Now
I'm honoured to introduce not only my champion but YOUR champion - Triple H
- Hunter Hearst Helmsley." I half expect his theme to play here, but no.
About three people applaud. "All right - I'm sure all of you are, you
know, proud to have me as your World Wrestling Federation champion, and I'm
proud to BE your World Wrestling Federation champion. I look at this as an
opportunity to be a leader - to be a leader for all of you, and to be a
role model for all of you because it could be any one of you in this room
that, when I retire, could take my place and become the World Wrestling
Federation champion - become a leader to everybody here in the World
Wrestling Federation. I want that person, like I said, it could be any of
you, to take notice of what we're about to do. Never before in the history
of the World Wrestling Federation has a champion gone to the ranks to
defend his title as to have a random drawring where anybody - ANYBODY here
could have a chance to be champion, so without further ado...Steph...let's
see who it is." Stephanie draws a name from the tumbler - and it
is....is.....is....Andre the Giant! "I don't know who did this, but this
is the real deal here, all right? If Andre the Giant were here, I'd kick
his ass, but..." Another name is drawn - and it is...Fabulous Moolah!
Triple H once again says come on, this is the real deal here! "I'm sure
this would be one for the ages..." Hunter decides to have Howard Finkel
draw a name - Howard walks over, trips, and promptly knocks over the
tumbler. "Dammit, Howard, your balls fell out all over the place." Fink
picks one up off the floor...and it is...Rikishi! Hunter acts unhappy -
Steph glares - and they both walk off, while the rest of the room
spontaneously erupts into a "Rikishi" chant.
Back at Universal Studios Theme Park, "Mankind" leaves the ride...only to
find that MANKIND is waiting for him outside. "You talking about my wife?
You talk about my family?" Mankind takes him down, hardcore-style, ("You
tell Triple H!") all over the area where the line would normally be,
including slamming him inside a metal container several times. "Have a
nice day! You son of a b(beep)!"
All right! Battle Dome ad! You know what that means? IT'S STILL ON THE AIR!!
Moments ago, Mankind traveled long enough to eventually meet himself.
Moments ago, Howard Finkel somehow managed to draw Rikishi's name
RIKISHI PHATU (with Too Cool - and their music) v. TREBLE H (with Stephanie
McMahon-Helmsley) for the WWF Championship - Phatu tells Too Cool to head
off to the back. I remember Head Shrinker Fatu taking on Bret Hart
something like seven years ago (and he almost won! Well, 'cause he and
Samu were switching behind the ref's back, but STILL...) - this could very
well be his first title shot since that match. His music should now go
"THREE TIME! THREE TIME! THREE TIIIIIIIME!" Stephanie takes third
headset, oh boy! H rushes Phatu before the bell, hammering away, even at
the risk of disqualification at the hands of referee "Blind" Tim White.
But Phatu absorbs all this and fights back. Trading punches - now only
Phatu punching - there's some martial arts - off the ropes, biiiiig back
body drop. Outside the ring we go. Head to the STEEL steps. Right hand
by Phatu. Head to the STEEL again (sorta) Scooped up on the shoulder -
slam on the floor. Drumstick drop! Whip into the STEEL steps is reversed.
H breaks the count, then puts Phatu's head in the steps - then to the
commentary table. One more shot to the table - and we get our first good
look at the pair of kings making up the commentary team - MICHAEL KING COLE
& JERRY LAWLER. Rikishi taken in the ring, where he punches back. Example
of Stephanie's ... "commentary:" "Rikishi does have an ugly posterior,
that's for sure." Off the ropes, Hunter buries a right in the gut. As
another whip is reveresed, we see DX watching on in the back - I wonder who
they're rooting on? Facebuster by Helmsley for 2. Helmsley rares back and
hits a running clothesline that gives Phatu a spin - but only 2. Helmsley
throws Phatu through the ropes and follows to the outside. Head to the
barricade. Helmsley whips Phatu - reveresed into the barricade!
Clothesline by Phatu! Back into the ring, right hand, into the opposite
corner hard - big ass splash - Samoan Drop! 1, 2...NO!! We see DX
smiling. Belly-to-big-ol'-belly suplex. Phatu motioning...Helmsley
dragged over to the corner - looks like a Banzai Drop coming up. Stephanie
saying "No!" a lot...but there it is. Nice shot of Stephanie on the
OvalTron (on the right) as we see him hit it. 1...2...NO?!? Well, that's
just bullshit. Double Feature of the buttdop cuts out before the kickout,
'cause there WASN'T one. Anyway, H rushes - Phatu puts him in position for
the piledriver - but H worms his way free - in position for the Pedigree -
but Phatu backdrops out of THAT...superkick! Cover - 1, 2, shoulder up.
He should probably try to put his weight across the shoulders. Phatu ready
- but the buttdrop misses. Stephanie's off headset and passing a chair to
her husband. Now up on the apron to distract referee "Blind" Tim White.
WHACK! Cover - White over - 1, 2, NO! Helmsley and White
arguing...Helmsley directing Stephanie. Crowd: "Raw kee she!" Stephanie
with the belt in to Triple H...there's a belt shot in full view of the
zebra, who has no choice but to call for the bell (DQ 7:12) Phatu shaking
his head - shaking it off. Helmsley goes outside, gets the chair again and
takes it to the gut, then to the back. The REFS & OFFICIALS are out As
Triple H stands over Rikshi - but he's getting up again! Chimel announces
Rikishi as the winner and the crowd erupts. Backstage, DX lets us know
that they weren't gonna run in on Hunter's match *tonight.* TOO COOL is
back out and the crowd's doing the "American Males" clap. NOW IS THE TIME
ON SPROCKETS WHEN WE DANCE! Phatu shakes his ass up at the ramp - in
Helmsley's direction. Credits are up - Helmsley is fuming - we are out.
How'd this guy get so over?
Christopher Robin Zimmerman