by Christopher Robin Zimmerman
I GET LETTERS: Josh fills in the holes from last week: "...then how
you kissed my lips. . . (audio replaced - video replaced - wonder what
he's saying - clearly not TV-PG and PTC-friendly - so why have it on
well, he said "You kissed my lips... you kissed my neck... you kissed my
(points to the crotch) well, we're not gonna go there. You did, but we're
and "santa had a hell of a sleigh ride that night, but nothing like the
ride she got" (or something along the lines of that anyway)
good ol' family friendly X-pac
A LITTLE BIT MORE FAMOUS: I'd like to thank Greg Dillard for booking me
on The EDGE earlier today - it
was a lot of fun and the half hour just FLEW by. I would have hyped the
appearance in the Monday reports but I wasn't completely sure I was going
to have finished my civic obligations to Santa Clara County by then and
didn't want to set everybody up only to have to no-show. Anyway, the show
is archived, so if you're interested in hearing me talk about myself
(mostly) AND if you can get the blasted RealPlayer to work without
crashing your computer (hint: lots of virtual memory), you might want to
give it a listen (I'm 32 minutes in, until the end of the show).
KINGS UPDATE: 28-16, 6GB (the Blazers? Wow!) and still in third - The
road may be unkind, but darned if they're not .500 on this trip and still
in the same spot as before! Also, keep in mind that the Sacramento Kings
- the Sacramento Kings - will be on NBC every Sunday* they have a game
from now until the end of the season!
*(except the Laker game - sorry)
VINCE McMAHON ON THE LAST WORD: Geez, did Jim Rome come off like a huge
hypocrite or WHAT? Two segments with Vince McMahon (this first of which
he [Rome] seemed to spend in almost total confusion) doing anything he
could to avoid confrontation, and then for his "final take" he went OFF
about how awful pro wrestling was and how he hated it. Good night now!
Not that it wasn't a little cheesy for McMahon to try to sneak in an XFL
mention into EVERY answer, but at least I can understand WHY he'd want to
do that...more on the XFL down there. (Where?) (You know where.)
You are watching U...
One GIANT TV-PG-DLV World Leader Attitude - WWF!
LAST MONDAY: Four men, one great big new angle
It's the pyro! WE ARE ON TAPE 3.2.99 from the Joe in Detroit, MI (taped
1.2) and leave us not tarry, it's promoin' time
CACTUS JACK, CHRIS BENOIT, DEAN MALENKO, PERRY SATURN & EDDY GUERRERO walk
down the aisle as Jack's music plays. Jack's wearing a WWF New York
hockey jersey which is remarkably flannel-free. Looks like they'll let
Cactus speak for them again tonight: "Well, Detroit...look who Cactus
Jack decided to bring with him! Eddy Guerrero! Perry Saturn! Dean
Malenko! And Chris Benoit! And they are here tonight, not as members of
the WWF, but simply as my guests, but we're going to attempt to change all
that tonight! You see, and this goes out to you, Triple H, we had you in
the middle of the ring flat on your back, and we chose to leave! Why?
Because these four great athletes are not after your blood (at least not
yet) - you see, they're after contracts. To fully understand what's going
through their minds right now, you have to know the mindset in Atlanta,
Georgia where they used to work. There's a simple saying there that says
keep your mind shut, check your pride at the door, and sit back and
collect a fat paycheque." [Sign in crowd: "Will the last WCW employee
please remember 2 turn off the lights before u leave"] "Well, that's not
good enough for these four men - because wrestling is a hell of a lot more
than just a paycheque for every one of them. What they want is to take on
the best, and the only place to do that is in the WWF! More importantly,
I know it's their desire to perform in front of the WWF fans. And maybe
most important of all, I think they knew deep down in their hearts, no
matter how good they were, no matter how good their matches were, that
they were not - quite - old enough for WCW! So Triple H, they came here
on Monday night as my guests, and they did not start at the very bottom;
no, they had the testicular fortitude - to take on the very best. Now
we're asking you simply to show us that same fortitude - come out here,
and we'll have one hell of a gala contract signing! Now, if you don't,
well, what the five of us are prepared to down is turn SmackDown! into a
two hour long sitdown - we'll pull up five chairs, and we'll proceed to
bored the hell out of the American public. The choice is not up to me, so
Triple H, the ball truly is in your court." As they set up some chairs,
the music plays - but it's the theme D-GENERATION X (with Stephanie Ono &
Tori) and there they are. "Cactus, let's face it. If I really felt like
it, I would walk down this ramp, beat all your asses, and throw you in the
back myself - or, I could snap my fingers like that and twenty security
guards - ARMED security guards - could walk to that ring, round up all
your little asses, and throw you out of the building - all except for you,
see because you four are trespassing right now. You don't belong here;
you've got no contract. But we're out here...we're out here because you
want to come out here and talk about competition - that we're afraid of
competition. Cactus, YOU of all people should know better than that. DX,
if nothing else, THRIVES on competition - that is what we are about!
Competition! We gravitate towards it! It is what we are made of! It is
what runs in our blood! It is what we are about!" "Now the four of you
may have been hotshots where you came from, but here in the World
Wrestling Federation, you have to PROVE who you are, you have to EARN your
striples. And quite frankly, based upon your actions Monday night, you're
not *worthy* to compete in the World Wrestling Federation. Triple H and I
had a conversation assessing your skills and quite frankly - don't get me
wrong, you're not bad - but you guys are simply - average. You're
average!" "Average, that's a good way to describe all of you, average.
But I'll tell you what. In the name of fairness - because that's what the
McMahon-Helmsley Era is all about, fairness - SHUDDUP! You guys wanna
come in here, and you want to play games? You want to rise to the top -
well, tonight you're gonna get your chance. Tonight we're gonna give you a
little tryout. Not a contract but a one-day permit. Tonight, In That
Very Ring, you guys are gonna get your chance. It's gonna start with you,
Dean Malenko, because you will step into the ring with possibly the
fastest man alive - X-Pac. [Why is Tori so happy if X-Pac's the "fastest
man alive?" Get me?] Perry Saturn, Eddy Guerrero, you two are on deck -
you will face THE greatest tag team of all time...the greatest World
Wrestling Federation tag team champions of all time - the NEW - AGE -
OUTLAWS. And Chris Benoit, the last time I saw you, you were the big fish
in your small pond, standing in the middle of that ring, holding a shiny
belt - the standard bearer. Well, tonight, if it comes to that - you,
Chris Benoit, will get into the ring with the World Wrestling Federation's
standard bearer. You will step into the ring against the mesauring stick
here in the WWF. You will step into the ring against The Game. You will
step into the ring against the World Wrestling Federation champion - BUT,
I don't think it'll ever get to that, because you see there are rules to
this little tryout. You see, contracts are on the line. Now, if you can
win two matches tonight out of those three, the four of you will get your
contracts. But Chris Benoit, I don't think you and I will ever step into
the ring, because he is gonna take Malenko apart, and they are gonna take
Saturn and Guerrero apart." "Triple H, one last thing - that sounds great
because all these men want is one opportunity, but I know the way DX works
- they like to travel like a family, so just to make sure that everything
is on the up and up, and there is no outside interference, I'm going to be
watching from backstage. And I'm going to have a 2x4, and around that 2x4
I will wrap about five pounds of grade A, industrial-strength, razor-sharp
barbed wire. And I am literally BEGGING you to give me a reason to come
down here and use it. Bangbang!"
Tonight, Triple Threat - Tazz, Rock and Angle! Big Show and Rikishi
In the locker room, all the women of the WWF are arguing to Patterson &
Brisco. Patterson: "Just shaddup for a minute! I know that Harvey is a
man--" Young: "He is not a man! He's a hemale--" and she's cut off.
Anyway, Brisco holds out the straws for the women to draw. Jackie draws
the short straw, then everybody argues a bit, a scuffle breaks out, Jackie
chairs Luna, Young and Moolah molest Patterson (make your own joke), and
why would BB want to wrestle for the title in her EMT getup anyway? I'm
so confused. "Get these broads out of here!" You're right, Pat - you're
so so right.
"The Rock Says...." is a #1 bestseller - but don't let that stop YOU from
buying a copy!
"Bad Attitude" week means lots of cross-promotion on UPN next week - yup,
Moments Ago, they drew straws - go figure, Jackie gets the short straw yet
Mae Young expresses her desire to be the Women's Champion to Mark Henry -
she KNOWS she can beat Harvey! "You don't need to think about fighting -
you pregnant with our love child!" I'm gonna go barf. Henry says to take
her mind off not getting the title shot, he's got lots of BABY STUFF to
give to her. Shoot me now.
THAT SLUT CHYNA (and her - ahem - Bazooka) are out. Must be time for
another IC match!
phonefree.com presents No Way Out - 27 February!
CHRIS THURSDAY JERICHO (with That Slut Chyna) v. GANGREL (presented by
White Wolf - with Luna Tunes & PPV hype) for the Interchrisinental
Championship - "Welcome to Detroit is Jericho! And as the undisputed
Intercontinental champion, and the Ayatollah of Rock and Rollah, I wanna
thank someone, and that someone is you, Chyna - I wanna thank you for
watching my back and I wanna thank you for proving to Y2J and to all of
the Jerichoholics here tonight and watching at home that you, too, are one
BAD MAMMA JAMMA." Chyna smiles and they high-five. When exactly did them
being friends start making sense, anyway? Luna still holds her head from
the chairshot - sell it, baby! Sell it! Slugfest before the bell -
Jericho takes him to the corner and kicks away. Into the opposite corner,
feet up, Jericho ducks and chops, and chops, and chops. Off the ropes,
heel kick, Irish whip into the corner, but Gangrel sidesteps it and
Jericho goes to the outside. Luna over, Chyna over before anything bad
happens - but Gangrel takes him behind her back. Back in the ring, off
the ropes with the elbowdrop, there's another - kickout at 1. Right,
right, right, right, right, off the ropes, Jericho takes him over the top
rope to the floor. Gangrel back in - right from Jericho, off the ropes,
gutshot, bulldog off the ropes. Into the ropes again, reversed this time,
flying jalapeno from Jericho for 2. Into the ropes again, reversed,
Gangrel held on and there's a side Russian legsweep - 2 count. Jericho
turns it into the corner, foot up, Gangrel with a Sunset flip, Jericho
rolls through and goes for the Walls of Jericho - Luna climbs to the top,
but Chyna is over to crotch her (I guess - Luna falls VERY SLOWLY to the
top turnbuckle). Gangrel finally taps. (2:41) Yeah, they're sure chummy
now - BUT WHY??
Clips from last Sunday's Halftime Heat - JR's sitdown with Steve Austin -
isn't this like the third time we've seen it? This time "pissed" gets
bleeped because we're TV-PG.
Cactus Jack offers advice to Dean Malenko - keep an eye on Tori. Malenko
tells his mates he won't let them down
Tori, meanwhile, is with X-Pac - and - they're - WALKING!
Wahoo! My first "MT2K" ad! All the excitement of MONSTER TRUCKS for the
Here's another look at that Newsweek cover - Newsweek.com has the text
online, in case the magazine's already sold out at your local newstand, by
X-PAC (with Tori) v. DEAN MALENKO - Let Us Take You Back to Last Week
where we learned about the X-Pac/Tori Xmas Story, followed by Kane walking
away...and we haven't seen him since. I should have noted by now Tori's
top is DX neon green, yup. Malenko has THEME MUSIC? We look backstage to
see Jack and friends looking on on the monitor. Feeling out process.
Lockup, side headlock from X-Pac - wrenching it in. Off the ropes,
knockdown by X-Pac. Crotch chops all around. Lockup, chain wrestling,
into a takedown by Malenko, front face, reversed, chain, off the ropes,
Malenko knocks him down. Off the ropes, over, under, heel kick by
Malenko. X-Pac with a gutshot - putting him in the corner, reversed on
the way out, running into a boot, Malenko with a powerslam for 2 - DX also
watches a monitor. Into the corner, reversed, Malenko comes out and into
a spinning heel kick. Pair of elbows to the back of the head. Shots are
traded - off the ropes, X-Pac lifts him up and lets him fall for 2. Rear
chinlock by X-Pac. Malenko trying to turn into it - and he's to his feet.
Elbowing out - hold broken, Malenko catches the spinning heel kick attempt
and hits a Dragon screw legwhip! X-Pac is up first - kick to the back of
the head - there's the trifecta in the corner. Time for the broncobuster?
Nope - Malenko's out of the way and X-Pac is a little tender. Malenko
hits Iblockyourpunchyoudon'tblockmine - again - into the corner, followed
up with a lariat. Vertical suplex - just barely out after 2. Malenko
shoots him into the corner, he goes up and over, gutshot, X Factor attempt
is blocked - there's the Tejas cloverleaf!! But X-Pac reaches the bottom
rope. Tori up on the apron, averting the watchful eye of referee "Blind"
Tim White - X-Pac with a low blow...and the X Factor. 1, 2, 3. Sigh.
(4:07) When I'm looking at Tori's nipples, my gaze is diverted from her
Mizark Henry presents Mae Young some Preparation H. I don't think that'll
stop the burning *I'm* feeling watching these vignettes...
Mankind takes Manhattan! Then he gives it back!
Rock on Voyager - that should hurt THUNDER! ratings, right?
X-Pac is congratulated back in the DX locker room - "I beat him, I'm not
even tired," he says, while sucking wind. Triple H goes to remove his
boots - he won't need to be wearing 'em. Big Show interrupts the
proceedings and delivers the videotape - it's that camera angle we've been
waiting to see for, like, a week and a half. It definitively shows Rock's
feet hitting first. Triple H says, all right, Freddie Mercury, you got
your match. And now WE have a #1 Contender's Match for No Way Out.
JACQUELINE v. HARVEY WIPPLEMAN for the Women's Championship - Did he and
Moolah break up? Lawler: "I can understand why he would want to dress in
drag, but why would he want to be Women's Champion?" "Cut the music!
I'M Harvey Wippleman! The World Wrestling Federation Ladies' Champion!
The reason I'm the Women's Champion - there's not a woman in the World
Wrestling Federation that can beat me - there's not a woman in the WORLD
that can beat me, 'cause I'm all man! I'm fixin' to show you what a man
can do - ugly!" Wippleman removes his shirt - Jacqueline calmly spears
him, right and lefts and rights, kick, scoop slam, elbowdrop, 1, 2, 3,
thank you and good night. Ladies and gentlemen, we have a new Women's
Champion. (:17) For an encore, she pulls off his pants. Wippleman takes
a quick hike up the ramp in his drawers and tube socks. Say, that
Jackie's sure got some big knockers, don't she? I smell a challenge from
KEVIN "NAILZ" KELLY stands with the Rock. You don't need ME to tell you
what happens next. I WILL say, however, that "shut up juice" is a ripoff
of "Happy Gilmore's" "warm glass of shut the hell up" (stolen most
recently by Brian Adams, don'cha know) and thus, not nearly as funny. Rock
actually breaks into blithering idiocy, but the crowd still hears the word
"candyass" at the end of it, though, and makes noise.
Mark Henry presents Mae Young some Oil of Olay - to prevent stretch marks.
KURT ANGLE (with TV-PG-DLV ratings box) v. TTAAZZ v. LA ROCA in a Triple
Threat Match - "Now I realise a lot of you are upset at me - and are very
angry - and I don't blame you, I don't blame you. And it's all because
Your Olympic Hero has suffered his very first loss last Monday night at
the hans of the Rock...and it's okay, and I'm glad I'm here in this town,
because if there was ever a town that could relate to losing - it's
Detroit, Michigan. It's true, it's true! Whether it be jobs at the
factories, or even the Stanley Cup playoffs last year, you people have had
your share of setbacks and losses. But the good news is, unlike THIS
town, your Olympic hero will bounce back, overcome adversity, and be your
champion once again...I promise. Thank you." Tazz out next - and right
into the ring - they're not going to wait for the Rock! Tazz all ove
rhim, exchanging blows, Angle in control, in the corner, Angle putting the
boot under Tazz' chin. Referee "Blind" Earl Hebner finally forces the
break - and now the Rock finally gets in the ring, right at the top of the
hour. Rock all over Angle - clothesline. One for Tazz as well - there's
a punch to the jimmy for Tazz. Right, right, off the ropes, Angle
revereses, and then he hits a belly-to-belly suplex. Angle kicking away -
Tazz pulling him aside so HE can kick away. A little cooperation? Angle
runs at Tazz, who ducks, then hits a T-bone Tazzplex on Angle. Rock with
a clothesline on Tazz, then sending Angle over the top rope to the floor -
and following. Angle's head meets the barricade - but Tazz is also out,
there's a series of rights on Rock, head to the apron. Shot for Angle for
good measure. Rock's head taken (sorta) to the STEEL steps. Angle
striking from behind. Right, right, Tazz over the barricade and Angle
follows. Back and forth we go - and now the Rock is over to join them.
Rock takes control - double noggin knocker - Tazz back over - Angle back
over as well. Rock back over to continue the punishment. Right to Tazz,
off the ropes, reversed, Rock collides with Angle (who flies off the
apron), and there's a Northern Lights suplex with a bridge for 2. Right
to Rock's head - whips is reversed, Rock holds on and he's ready to hit
the uranage, but Angle is back in with a shot to the Rock. Clothesline
for the Rock, going for one for Tazz, but there's the "chokeout" on Angle!
Rock breaks it up. Tazz knocks him down - cover - 1, 2, Angle breaks it
up. Angle puts Rock in the corner and kicks away, now punching, now back
to the doubleteam, well, very shortly as Angle is working on Tazz instead.
Firing away with rights - turning to the Rock, but reversed in the corner.
Rock punching away, kissing the right, ducking Tazz' attack and floating
over into the DDT. Spinebuster for Angle, Rock Bottom for Tazz, Rock
Bottom for Angle, 1, 2, WELL IT'S A BIG SHOW come out to pull Rock out of
the ring. As they brawl on the outside to be joined by some more REFS,
Angle's apparently fallen with an arm over Tazz - 1, 2, 3 (5:04) but our
attention is turned to the outside where Rock is caught in
ahhhhhhTHECHOKESLAAAAAAMonthefloor! Let's play HIS music instead! He's
the Big Show - he's a new haircut kinda guy...
Triple H will appear Monday on UPN's "the Urkle show" - of course, it airs
the same time as RAW so that seems kinda pointless
Let Us Take You Back to Moments Ago - Rock Bottom, cover, Show pulls him
We cut to Guerrero & Saturn trying to stay focused in their big match -
suddenly, Saturn turns to Guerrero and says "wait a minute - aren't you
one of those lousy rotten stinkin' filthy animals?"
NEW AGE OUTLAWS v. PERRY SATURN & EDDIE GUERRERO in a nontitle match - I
don't know about you, but I'm rather looking forward to Shane Douglas
coming out in his "Revolution" T-shirt with THREE names covered in
electrical tape instead of just Benoit's. Looks like they're gonna spell
it "Eddie," too. Oh well. Same music as Malenko came out? Guerrero and
Ass start. Lockukp, to the corner, clean break? Nope. Kick, right,
right, right from Ass. Into the opposite corner, Guerrero ducks and puts
Gunn in the corner and punches away, there's an elbow. Uppercut. DX
looks on from their dressing room. Into the corner, but Ass boosts him
over his head and onto the turnbuckle. Right hand by Ass, Saturn in -
press slam - crotch chops all around - armwringer on Guerrero, tag to
Dogg. He gets jiggy with the kick to the gut. Kick, kick, kick, right.
Crotch chop to Saturn, who fails to get in the ring. Into the corner,
Guerrero up and over, Saturn with a clothesline from the apron. Guerrero
stomping away. Tag to Saturn. Suplex onto the arm and an armbar - Dogg
grabs the rope. Right hand. Saturn places him up on the top - on the
second rope - Dogg punches away and sends him back to the centre - high
crossbody, but Saturn rolls over and tries the Rings of Saturn! Mr. Ass
breaks it up with a kick. Both men tag. Ass sidesteps a dropkick and
flails with rights to both men. Saturn taken off the ropes, elbow takes
him to the outside. For Guerrero, Ass has a gutshot and ait's jackhammer
time. Warming up the leg for the Fame'Asser - and he hits it! Saturn
breaks up the count. There's a (Exploder?) suplex from saturn on Gunn and
here's a frog splash from Eddie! 1, 2, Dogg pulls out referee "Blind"
Jack Doan! Saturn in now - he and Ass go over the top rope to thr floor.
Dogg, meanwhile, covers a motionless Guerrero and there's a 1, 2, 3.
(4:28) Guerrero is holding his left elbow (eww) and from what we've heard
elsewhere on this site, it's bad enough to keep him out for at least four
months. I'm pretty bummed.
Earlier today, the big press conference at WWF New York - the WWFE
announced the formation of the XFL - in
which we ask the question, has Vince McMahon lost his ever-lovin' mind?
Ask the stockholders - WWF Entertainment stock closed at all-time lows
(12+) Thursday. No word yet on whether or not Cameo Kneuer has been hired
to participate in XFL telecasts yet, nor whether the football players will
take on the wrestlers in a worked tug-o-war with the debuting Bill Alfonso
as referee (on the take from Ted DiBiase) - wow, did I just release a
flood of memories there or what?
As for this XFL thing, remember well that the WBF lasted almost two years
before finally disappearing - I'm sure it'll take AT LEAST that long to
kill THIS thing off. I'll probably jump on the bandwagon of folks who
think this is a bad idea, but I'm not gonna go all the way to root AGAINST
it, either. More on this in the future...I'm sure...
"WrestleMania 2000" for the N64 ad
Oh man! Mankind eats ravioli!
WWF.com - over twenty million hits a week!
"Moments Ago" footage, from a couple grisly (but not too grisly,
thankfully) angles, we see and hear Guerrero's elbow snap
Back in the DX dressing room, Triple H says he's feeling magnaminous, he's
gonna give Benoit a match with him anyway.
Time now for the Blackman and Snow show! "C'mon, you said you'd do it, so
just do it!" "No, no - there is no way you're getting me to do this
tonight-" "Look, looklooklook you made the bet - if we didn't get beat by
the Outlaws, you'd do it, so come on!" "You're not gonna convince me to
do this - there, there is no way..." "Fine - I guess your word means
NOTHING - I guess you have no HONOUR - I guess--" "All right, all right -
but I cannot believe I am about to do this." "You're gonna be happy,
your'e gonna - you're gonna think this is SO cool - this is SO cool -
see?" Blackman emerges wearing a giant cheesehead. "That is terrific! Al
Snow - and Steve Blackman...the Lethal Cheddar!" Blackman works on
counting to ten, 'cause you can just SENSE the FURY...well, I mean, I'm
ASSUMING - hell, why ELSE would he be counting?
SmackDown! is brought to you by MILK - Got milk? THQ's WrestleMania 2000
for the N64, and phonefree.com!
HOLLY COUSINS (with Scale Holly) v. HEAD CHEESE (with Head - and Cheese) -
if nothing else, it's worth it just to see Blackman wearing that huge
cheese on his head. SOMEBODY vidcap that for my page, PLEASE. Hey,
Snow's wearing his "Snow Man Cometh" tights! How old are THOSE? Crash
attacks Snow before the bell, Snow quickly takes command of the situation.
Hung out to dry on the top rope, shot for Hardcore while Blackman works
his extremely cool "drop him from the apron to the STEEL steps" spot on
Crash. 1, 2, Hardcore breaks it up. Big-time "head cheese" chant. Off
the ropes, collision, tag to Blackman. Open shot. And again, and a kick.
Backbreaker across the knee. Stomp, elbowdrop, karate thrust,
"Head-Cheese" chant with a Goldberg cadence. Tag to Snow - they make a
wish. Crash's head taken to the buckle - into the opposite corner, Holly
up and landing in a headscissors - he drops down and takes Snow's head to
the bottom turnbuckle. Hot tag to Hardcore! Cleaning house on both men -
Best Dropkick in the Business to Blackman - powerbomb to Snow - Blackman
breaks it up. Hardcore going up top - Snow crotches him, right, second
rope - top rope - SUPERPLEX! Snow rolls over - Crash breaks the count.
Blackman in and making short work of Crash, throwing him outside. Snow
takes Hardcore off the ropes, reveresed, up and over, gutshot, up for the
Snowplow, but Crash comes off the top with a splash to the back of his
cousin - but Snow rolls it over in the follow-through and there's a pin!
(3:08) Post-match, Hardcore packs quite a wallop on his cousin by way of
assigning blame. Big roundhouse kick to the face - into the STEEL steps -
we cut to
Yowza! It's Rikishi Phatu's ass! And it's doing squats!
The Slam of the Week is Buh-Buh Ray powerbombing one Hardy through another
- and three tables - from Monday night - a highlight which made it to "The
Last Word" tonight on FOX Sports Net
"Bad Attitude" Week promo - boy I'll be glad when it's over - yeah yeah,
Triple H & Urkel - Rock & Seven, got it - Hardcore Holly in a movie, fine
Here's a look at the outside of the World-Famous Joe Louis Arena - it's
one massive wall there, yup. At this point I usually make a Derrick May
reference to look hip, so consider it made. I'll ALSO mention that I need
to drop about a hundred bucks at the AUX/88 website some day
Oh boy! Mark Henry presents Mae Young with ... a breast pump! It just
gets FUNNIER and FUNNIER! (Those of you who find THIS funny while finding
Steve Blackman wearing cheese NOT funny should be off reading someone
else's SmackDown! report, by the way)
RIKISHI PHATU (with Too Cool) v. WELL IT'S A BIG SHOW - Phatu sends Too
Cool back, as he is wont to do. Let Us Take You Back to Earlier Tonight
when the Big Show had a boy howdy for the Rock out on the floor - camera
angle indicates Rock landed in a non-convincing manner. Sign in crowd:
"NICE HAIR (queer)" - now that's uncalled for. You wouldn't say that
about BUFF, would you? Ha! Phatu strikes first, but the headbutt turns
the tide, well it's a big right, off the ropes, reversed, Samoan Drop from
the Samoan! Armdrag! Right, right, into the opposite corner, fat ass
splash. Belly-to-belly (sorta)! Off the ropes, and there's a big
legdrop. 1, 2, Show puts up a shoulder. Superkick is swatted away - got
him in the choke - ahhhhhTHECHOKESLAAAAAM - but his back hurts. Cover is
a little slow - 1, 2, KICKOUT! Show is incredulous that somebody would
kick out of it, so he goes outside and grabs a chair. Back in the ring,
Phatu superkicks the chair - Show shakes it off and WHACKS him. Referee
"Blind" Teddy Long calls for the bell (DQ 1:58) TOO COOL is out, almost
immediately Too Cool tastes ahhhhhhTHECHOKESLAAAAAAM - and now LA ROCA is
out and punching away - kiss that right, Rock! WHACK! Rock puts the
chair down - and hits Rock Bottom! Play his music! The usual suspects
are out to bring things up and as Rock exits the ring, it's commercial
Aw, shucks, no People's Elbow tonight. Oops, shouldn't jinx myself -
we've got about a half left, don't we...
How many invasions by Mankind can Manhattan take? All that overstuffed
ravioli is gonna KILL somebody!
Let Us Take You Back to Moments Ago as Big Show wielded the chair - then
Rock wielded the chair - then Rock hit that uranage he's famous for.
DX talks up Triple H
Your hosts are a pair of kings, MICHAEL KING COLE & JERRY LAWLER. Eddie
Guerrero is in the hospital with a dislocated elbow. Speaking of
hospitals, those Damn Dudleys have been putting a lot of people in them
Let's Take a Special Video Look at the Damn Dudley Boyz' reign of terror -
Meanwhile, Mae Young is feeling something kick - no, wait, it's gas.
Here's a wacky facial expression from Lawler - isn't it wacky? Surely the
wackiness of it all is WACKY! I'm about ready to get a little wacky
myself - and WHACK somebody - 'cause it's WACK - okay - I'm better now -
Triple H & Stephanie - are - WALKING! Benoit has "nothing to lose!"
Umm, WWF Super Bowl Pregame ad - 'cause we can't have enough fart noises
I've heard next week is Bad Attitude week - if ONLY I knew what that
meant! It's all part of "No Ordinary February" - the Rock DARES you not
to watch! Call it what you want - *I* prefer the old name - "Sweeps month
MILK! presents the Smack of the Night - X-Pac taking down Dean Malenko
with a low blow and X Factor
TREBLE H (with Stephanie Ono) v. CHRIS BENOIT in a nontitle contest to
unofficially unify the WCW & WWF titles - I can only PRAY we're lucky
enough to get Stephanie to take third headset for this matchup. Triple H
is apparently The Game (what game? Chutes and Ladders?) for taking on
Benoit despite the fact that this match is essentially meaningless. Sounds
like Benoit's got the same music we've heard twice earlier. Benoit
wearing his "CRIPPLER" tights. H giving the bad mouth, and Benoit looking
up to him. Lockup, finally, to the corner, switch, reversed back, clean
break, referee "Blind" Earl Hebner shouting a lot. Lockup again, into the
corner, semi-clean break - shove, shove back. Benoit blocks a punch and
puts him down with one punch. H charges - Benoit quickly puts him in the
Crossface - or attempts to, anyway - H goes outside. Benoit parting the
ropes for H but he's taking a powder. Back in, boot to the gut, right
hand, right, kick, right, right, Benoit chops back, H punches, Benoit
chops, chop, kick, off the ropes, big elbow, snap suplex. H rolls out,
Benoit hits a baseball slide dropkick. Outside the ring, there's a kick,
chop, right hand, but H manages a drop toehold on the charging Benoit
right into the STEEL steps. Let's give it a Double Feature! Now H
whipping Benoit into the steps, shoulder first. Rolled back in the ring,
head to the corner, kicking away, 5, 6, 7, 8, blatant choke, Hebner forces
the break, H gives Hebner a shove. Benoit with an elbow, chopping back,
punches, off the ropes is reversed, duck, duck, high knee from H, cover
for 2. Lawler mentions Benoit never lost the Championship down in
Atlanta. Head into the buckle, Benoit puts H's head in the buckle right
back. Chop, punch, H takes control, Benoit coming back, punches, chop,
off the ropes, lariat, belly-to-back suplex (or, if you're Cole, a
"takedown") - cover - 2. Into the corner sternum first, German suplex -
Benoit holding on - there's 2 - going for 3 - and got it! Benoit puts his
thumb across his throat but we cut to a shot of Stephanie. Benoit
climbing to the top! But H throws Hebner into the ropes and Benoit gets
crotched. Right hand from the Champ, climbing to the second rope -
SUPERPLEX! 1, 2, no! Right hand by H - into the corner, gutshot as he
comes out - Pedigree time! No, Benoit counters into a double leg -
catapult - right into Hebner! Crippler Crossface is locked in - and
Triple H is tapping! Unfortunately, Hebner didn't see it - he's out -
also unfortunately, Benoit didn't know Hebner was out. H lunging at him -
he's got the Crippler Crossface on again! But this time H can grab the
bottom rope. Off the ropes, Triple H hits a facebuster. But Benoit hits
a clothesline as he runs at him - TOP ROPE HEADBUTT! Benoit covers -
Hebner with his trademark slow count - 1.......2........NO! Crowd booing
bigtime. There's a low blow, and there's a Pedigree. 1.....2.....3.
(9:03) It's a clean sweep for DX - and it only took HOW many Golotas?
Still, even with three losses...they didn't look THAT bad, even as they
all jobbed. We'll have to see how it continues Monday - 'cause the
credits are up and we are out!
Christopher Robin Zimmerman