by Christopher Robin Zimmerman
WrestleLine/WrestleManiacs
KINGS UPDATE: 43-31, 20 GB the Lakers, fourth place and 1 game ahead of
the Sonics - currently seventh in the West, and unless Minnesota has some
major problems with the rest of their relatively milquetoast schedule,
they won't get any higher, which will leave them with....arrrgh, the Jazz.
Again. If my friends find that extra ticket, I just MIGHT be at Arco
Sunday against the Suns, so look for me on NBC! (Hint: you won't really
see me) Six of the Kings' last eight games are national (NBC/TBS/TNT), so
this is the time to check 'em out!
You are watching UPN!
Rated TV-PG-DLV - One World Leader Attituded - WWF!
LAST MONDAY: Rock won his match with Shane McMahon by pinning...Triple H.
After the match, he posed with the title belt.
Outside, Shane is on his cel phone, telling the person on the other end
that "we've gotta clear up this controversy with the Rock..."
Opening credits - close captioned
PYRO! NOISE! SIGNS! WILD 94.9 in the house! WE ARE ON TAPE from the
Shark Tank - the SPECTACULAR San Jose Arena in San Jose, CA 6.4.2K (taped
4.4) and en espanol donde sea disponible! As MC Hammer would say, let's
get it started! RIKISHI PHATU v. CHRIS BENOIT for the Intercontinental
Championship - commentators sell a controvery: just who is the WWF
Champion? Was that REALLY in doubt? Apparently so! Tonight: all four
(ugh) R4dicalz have matches - must be a good night! We have a staredown
in the middle of the ring - Phatu steps back and there's
"Iblockyourpunchyoudon'tblockmine" to start. Right, into the ropes, head
down, kick by Benoit, clothesline by Phatu. Into the ropes, Sunset flip
attempt by Benoit, missed buttdrop by Phatu. Dropkick to the back of the
head by Benoit, kick, kick, kick, kick, kick, kick, kick, stomp. Cole
says KNBC announced the Rock as the new champ Monday night - aww, THAT'S
the rumour, I guess. Stomp, stomp, stomp, stomp. Elbow, elbow,
knife-edge chop, Phatu thinks about no-selling, another chop, Phatu gives
the stare, another chop, no effect! Off the ropes, Phatu hits his Goofy
Bulldog/Neckbreaker/Whatever. Right by Phatu, right, into the corner
sternum first, superkick as Benoit backs out. Double feature of the goofy
move. Phatu warming up his derriere, but Benoit sidesteps the fatass
splash and hits a NORTHERN LIGHTS MIT BRIDGE and gets the 1, 2, 3!
(1:55) Amazing move. Benoit tries to rush him post-match, but falls into
a Samoan drop. Here's your FIRST good look at George Anderson's "CRZ"
sign - which makes him the COOLEST DUDE EVER, at least tonight. Thanks,
George! Your girl Christine G. is pretty cool, too, for putting up with
you flashing CRZ signs to the camera! Back to Phatu and Benoit -
"Stinkface!" And here's a belly-to-belly suplex. Benoit really should
stop trying to rush him, I think. Dragged into position - Banzai Drop!
Phatu picks up the title and poses, but he's not the champ...
Outside, a limo pulls up - Shane meets it and opens the door for Vince.
"We're the only ones here - me and you..." "That's all we need..." Hey,
they're WALKING away!
Hey, look, there are some OAKLAND RAIDERS in the crowd! Why the heck
haven't they moved back to LA already?
Commentators hype "the Beat," which will probably do about as well as "the
Strip"
BILLIONAIRE VINCE & SKIPPY come out. I hear there's a guy trying to tell
you that me calling him "Skippy" (which I've done for - what, a YEAR or
so?) is somehow WRONG - but as he ALSO apparently thinks that Scott Keith
is Dean Rasmussen, who is not only the Dean of tilde-bang Internet
commentary, but the most *imitated* man in wrestling review AND the man who
gets the least amount of credit by the people guilty of the most blatant
thievery. My point is, if I were you I'd just avoid EVER believing
ANYTHING he says, least of all critiques of why ONE choice of nicknames
would be superior or inferior to another. I like to think that the
previous two sentences would fall under "stating an opinion and attempting
to back it up with fact" as opposed to "furthering an [alleged] Internet
feud," but I can't stop you from thinking otherwise if you're so inclined.
Now let's hear from Vince! "Now before you people here in Sacramento get
all upset - [big boos] - Sacramento, San Jose, San Clemente, San Quentin,
it really doesn't matter because sooner or later, this entire state is
gonna fall right on off into the bottom of the Pacific Ocean! Now, let me
put an end to the nasty rumour that was circulating here earlier tonight -
that nasty rumour that DX will not be here tonight. I assure you that as
soon as DX has finished with their autograph session, to prevent a run on
the box office by all of you demanding a refund, indeed DX WILL be here
tonight. Let's clear up the controversy of last Monday night, shall we?
The inmates were definitely running the asylum, and if you don't believe
me, let's take you back - aww yeah ["Rock E"] ... let's take you back to
the last few closing moments of RAW is WAR."
Let Us Take You Back to the last few closing moments of RAW is WAR. Looks
a lot like that highlight reel to open the show, actually.
"Now, what you saw was a very frustrated Rock, and why? You see, Rock was
so frustrated because he couldn't beat my son Shane, one on one - and he
took those frustrations on someone else he couldn't beat one on one at
WrestleMania - my son, Triple H! And what you saw was referee Earl Hebner
counting one, two, three...you heard our ring announcer, Lilian Garcia
proclaim Rock the victor. And at the very last..." ["Shane's a pussy"
chant - Lawler: "They can't say that on television, can they?"] "You
people here in Sacramento are downright RRRRRRUDE! What you saw in those
few closing moments was the Rock - SORLING [soiling, I think he meant] the
World Wrestling Federation title as he held it above his head. Well here to
clear up the controversy now, let's get to the bottom of it - referee Earl
Hebner, come out now. Come on, we don't have all night, let's go! We're
gonna clear up this contorversy once and for all. Can you walk any faster
than that, please?" It's "BLIND" EARL HEBNER out to the ring. "Now can
you offer this public any plausible explanation as to why, in a
non-sanctioned match, you would count 1, 2, 3?" "Because the Rock TOLD me
to count 1, 2, 3." "Until this moment, the integrity of WWF officials has
never been questioned, but what you've done is you've *impuned* the
integrity of WWF officials with your bias, and let me tell you this - read
my lips - if you EVER, EVER do it again, little man...I will know you on
your ass. Now get outta here." Say, did Ted DiBiase bring in Earl...oh,
never mind. "And what about the ring announcer, Lilian Garcia, who
proclaimed the Rock the victor? Lilian, COME ON DOWN! (aside) How long
does it take these people to walk down the ramp? Now, Lilian, before we
ask you to offer some sort of explanation, I understand that in addition to
being a misinformed ring announcer, you're not a bad singer. So, if that's
the case, why don't you just assume that right here it's just you - and me.
Nobody else is around - all right? So why don't you...sing me...sing me a
little song, Lilian. [Vince plays with her hair here - oooooooh, tell
Linda!] Uhh, like 'Do You Know the Way to San Jose,' something like that -
go ahead - just to me." "Do you know the way to San Jose / I've been away
so long, I've been wrong and lose my way--" "That's enough, thank you.
See, the point I'm making is that pretty women with a little bit of talent
are a dime a dozen, and you can be replaced in an instant. So therefore,
the next time you make a mistake like you did on Monday night - the only
thing you're gonna be singing is the blues. Take your leave! Now...you
have to understand - it's not easy being the boss. You've got incompetence
surrounding you. You see, the point is - the Rock is NOT the World
Wrestling Federation champion...nor is he likely to EVER BE AGAIN! There
was one other mistake that was made last Monday, and that one other mistake
involved Good Ol' JR. When Good Ol' JR questioned the intestinal
fortitute, well he didn't question, he sort of insinuated, he wouldn't go
so far as to question, he insinuated that maybe Shane McMahon and Vince
Mcmahon would not have the intestinal fortitude to stand up to the Rock.
Well, it's been said before (figuratively speaking, of course) that my
testicles are the size of grapefruits - and my son Shane's are the size of
pomegranates. And that's why, right here tonight in Sacramento [boos]
that's why, that's why that right here tonight, In This Very Ring, Shane
McMahon and Vince McMahon will TEAM UP and in a Handicap match, the
McMahons will square off against THE ROCK!" Shane gives the "we're
screwed" look until Vince looks at him and he's all "yeah! Great idea,
Dad!" which is kinda funny.
T&A and Trish - are - WALKING!
Man, that Sammy Sosa ad is just bizarre. "Ess so *reeeeeeeeel*..."
"Ready to Rumble" ad - huh? Spare me from this WCW nonsense! This is
SMACKDOWN!
And now, the WWF Slam of the Week, brought to you by Castrol GTX - it
DRIVES hard! Once again, from WrestleMania, Jeff Hardy hits the swanton
bomb from that REALLY TALL ladder onto Buh-Buh Ray Dudley and through a
table.
SmackDown! is brought to you by Arizona Jeans, RC Edge Maximum Power cola,
and phonefree.com!
I GET LETTERS: George Anderson reporting: ...it was hard to miss that
guys sign security also took his sign that said the assholes took my sign
haha. Also the bit of banter between the fat ref guys behind me and Jim
Corderas was funny as hell. At first Jim was just hanging out but when
they started calling him the worlds biggest fag and offered a number to
call for Rogain , Jim quickly told them he had a buisness card for Jenny
Craig (they were fat as hell) Jim nailed them a few more times then they
shut up since our whole side was laughing like hell at the wanna be
refs.
T&A (with Trish Stratus - the fitness model) v. THOSE DAMN DUDLEYZ - the
lads lift Stratus up over the ropes so we don't get a "walking through the
ropes shot" - oh well. D-Von starts out with Test. Lockup, shot from
D-Von, right, right, into the ropes, Test holds on, gutshot, gutwrench
into a powerbomb for 2. Right by Test, right, into the ropes, duck,
gutshot by Dudley, into the ropes, jumpin' back elbow, tag to Buh-Buh Ray.
Right, open-handed slap, slap, into the corner is reversed but he puts up
the boot - second rope flying clothesline! 1, 2, no! Into the ropes,
reversed, Test with a back body drop and a tag. Sent into the corner,
do-si-do whip and splash, big boot by Test, cover for 2. That's becoming
a trademark for them. Right, right, into the ropes, Albert puts his head
down, kick, clothesline. Shot for Test to distract referee "Blind" Jim
Korderas - Dudleyz hit the "headbutt to the graun" spot. D-Von stomps,
Doubel Feature of the headbutt. Off the ropes with an elbowdrop. "Who's
the man?" Vader's the man! Albert reverses a whip into the ropes, knee
in the back by Test, bicycle kick by Albert, 2 count. Remember when that
was his finisher? Stomp, stomp, throating him on the second rope. Albert
stomps away, but Dudley fires back. Into the corner, Albert puts up a
boot, stomp, stomp, stomp, stomp. Lawler tells us of Angus McMahon, the
fighting Irishman. Into the ropes, D-Von avoids the followup splashing and
hits a forearm. Both men tag - Buh-Buh Ray's ON FIRE with clotheslines -
into the ropes is reversed - Buh-Buh Cutter! But Albert breaks up the
attempt at 2 and now all four men are brawling. D-Von gets dumped, and
Buh-Buh Ray's whip is reversed into a double throat powerbomb from Albert.
Savage elbow by Test and D-Von just BARELY breaks it up. Back to brawling
- this time ALBERT is dumped with a back body drop (like Albert could have
powerbombed him while he was so close to the ropes...) and back in the
ring, Test is sent into 3D (Dudley Death Drop) - there was an edit in
here, because live at the show it took them a few whips to get Test in the
right position for it. Anyway, 1, 2, 3. (5:08) Stratus comes in to
check on Test, and Buh-Buh Ray makes a slow turn to check HER out. Crowd
starts to cheer as they know what's coming next. Got her by the hair.
Cole runs down the list of victims and doesn't say BB - just saying.
Before D-Von can find a table, Albert is over to punk him out. Buh-Buh
Ray gets distracted just enough for them to take Stratus and make an
escape. At the same time, the HARDY BOYZ are out and *another* brawl is
on. The ring fills with referees and Slaughter, but it takes a while to
separate everybody. Play the Hardyz' music!
Backstage, Scotty Too Hotty sprays his hair. Kurt Angle approaches him,
saying he's got a shot at the tag team titles tonight, but he needs a
partner, and he'd like it to be him. "You expect me to dis the Grand
Master? I'm not gonna dog mah main homey for you!" "What's your dog got
to do with it?"
Wow! It's the back of the Rock! He's almost WALKING!
TAZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ v. PERRY SATURN - Before Tazz even gets to finish his
entrance, Saturn runs down the ramp and gets him from behind. Right,
right, fireman's carry, dropped on the barricade, whip into the STEEL steps
is reversed, and Saturn feels the unforgiving...whatever. Rights all
around - now they're fighting out into the tech area and outta sight... (no
contest)
KEVIN "NAILZ" KELLY stands with the Rock who doesn't say a word until the
crowd chants his name. "You ask the Rock how he feels about this
situation, well the Rock says this. The Rock says Shane, you can go suck
on a monkey's nipple. And Vince, you can lick a llama's anus. And the
Rock says this, Vince and Shane, you come out tonight and you run your
mouth, like you're big shots, like you're the Rock. You make all your
little challenges. Handicap match against the Rock - you think that the
Rock is actually scared of you two candyasses? You think that you actually
strike fear in the Rock's heart? Well, let the Rock set the record
straight. Vince, you are the owner of a very successful company. And even
without your approval, even without your jackass son's approval, even
without your (beep) daughter's approval - without any of your approval, the
Rock still stands on top of this company and reigns...supreme. ["Rock E"]
So to answer your little challenge - the Rock accepts the challenge,
because tonight it's gonna be you two candyasses going two on one against
the Great One, tonight, on the Rock's show - on ... SsssssssssssmackDown!
And the Rock says tonight, Vince and Shane, it's gonna be a beautiful
thing, because the Rock (the Great One, the People's Champion) plans on
raising the People's Hand - and Shane, you get the front...Vince, you get
the back. And when it's all said and done, all the smoke has cleared, ALL
the dust is settle, you two candyass jabrones, father and son reunited,
will smell as one what the Rock is cookin'."
I'm thinking that Incubus album isn't SO great that it needs TWO spots in
this set of ads
In case you've forgotten in the past 47 minutes, YOU'RE WATCHING UPN!
And now, get ready for some Maximum Power, delivered by RC Edge Maximum
Power cola - from RAW, the Acolytes help Crash Holly win the Hardcore title
to become the first - oh wait, you all wrote me about the Boss Man, didn't
you - SECOND four-time Hardcore Champion!
The DX Express drives up! WOW Stephanie's dress is UNattractive - DX - is
- WALKING!
HEAD CHEESE (with Head and No Cheese) v. BIG BOSS MAN & BULL BUCHANAN - Let
Us Take You Back to RAW where Bossman and Buchanan smashed up Kane's hand
(for purposes of the storyline). Blackman and Boss Man start. Hey, you
know, California's pretty famous for cheese, too - but we don't get the
Wisconsin treatment...oh well. Crowd chants and Blackman acts annoyed.
Boss Man avoids a kick and punch, then as referee "Blind" Teddy Long talks
to Blackman, Boss Man sneaks in with a punch. Right, right, choke,
Blackman ducks a clothesline, kick, kick, kick and Boss Man goes outside.
Snow with an ASAI MOONSAULT as Long keeps Blackman at bay. Rolled back in
- Blackman working him over. Tag - top-rope splash by Snow, shot for
Buchanan, but when Snow comes back, Boss Man goes to the face. Scoop - and
a slam. Tag to Buchanan. Clothesline ducked, kick, standing enzuigiri, 2.
Right, right, into the ropes, reversed, sliding under, Buchanan with a
gutshot, axe kick, 1, no. "Boss Man Sux" chant. Into the ropes is
reversed, Blackman from behind, gutshot by Snow, driving him to the mat,
tag, open shots, head ot the buckle, into the opposite corner, Buchanan
leaps to the top rope and hits a semi-Tomahawk chop to Blackman. Right,
right, tag, into the ropes, double clothesline. Standing on the neck.
Head to the buckle. Into the opposite corner, big splash. Knee to the
face. Tag to Buchanan, open right, into the ropes, Blackman slides under,
roundhouse misses, gutshot doesn't, off the ropes, Blackman runs into a big
boot, then is run into Boss Man's boot. Tag, backhand, scoop slam, second
rope...Boss Man ends up eating a "pissin' dog" kick from Blackman. Tag to
Snow - right, right to Buchanan, right to Boss Man, right to Buchanan,
right to Boss Man, right, right, right, right, right, right, Blackman takes
Buchanan outside but gets reversed into the STEEL steps. Dropkick by Snow
but there was a blind tag. Boss Man Slam! Top rope guillotine by
Buchanan! 1, 2, 3! (4:43) Blackman comes in and works both men over with
a variety of kicks - nice leg sweep on Boss Man. Blackman curses
everything and everybody for the loss.
Outside, Chyna and Eddie Guerrero arrive in a car, complete with hydraulics
and War cassette. Lotsa Espanol all around - hey, on the SAP, do they
speak English? "Hey, I thought *I* had heat!" "Mamacita" is said a couple
MILLION times.
And now, Lugz presents the Boot of the Week! From RAW on Monday, Chyna
gave Jericho a gutshot and DDT, and the next thing we knew, Eddie Guerrero
became the third R4dical to get a belt.
EDDIE GUERRERO & THAT SLUT CHYNA come out to "Mama Cita," Eddie's new
music. Guerrero has a rose behind his ear, one in his mouth, and three in
his hand, and yes he IS wearing the European title belt around his waist.
All the way down, Guerrero hands roses to Chyna, who smells them, then
tosses them. Lawler thinks he's Speedy Gonzalez, apparently, with his
goofy Spanish voice. "You know, mamacita, not anything against you, but
uh, I mean I've been - I've been really wanting to know why you did what
you did, mami." Shut UP, Lawler. "Well, this might embarrass you a little
bit, Ed, but the truth is ... I really couldn't resist your Latino heat,
brrrrrrrreeba!" Guerrero lies on the mat and kisses her foot, her shin,
her thigh - err, stop there. He clings to her leg, making it difficult for
her to walk. "And then - and then there's that poor, little insecure
intimidated Chris Jericho - and I DO mean 'little.' Poor little Chris,
always intimiated that a woman would show him up, steal his glory...which,
of course, I did. I think about all those times, Chris, that you tried to
get in my pants and just remember this - there's one reason why you
couldn't, and that's because *I* wear the pants around here." "You know
what? You truly ARE the 9th wonder of the world, baby! No WONDER I'm the
European champion! And you know what? I know all you non-European people
can't understand, but my ancestors are proud of me - such as Cortez,
Columbus, Don Quixote, Pancho Villa...and now, there's EDDIE!" He busts
into Spanish, but before he can go on about his fanaticos, the Y2J
countdown interrupts things and out runs CHRIS THURSDAY JERICHO in his new
"Ayatollah" T shirt - he cleans house until Guerrero manages to hit him
from behind while he's trying to work over Chyna. Jericho gets the upper
hand again, culminating in a powerbomb. Two refs manage to pull apart
these guys, and Chyna pulls Guerrero out of the ring and they walk off.
Backstage, Angle tries to fight the language barrier, but Essa Rios doesn't
understand it. Lita comes into the picture. "Could you tell him I realise
you're from a poor country, and once we win the championship, you can take
the gold and sell it and feed your family!" Lita tries to tell this to
him, but he gets angered and walks off. "Is that si? Si? No?"
DX storms in on Shane and Vince - Triple H wants to know how they get
booked into an autograph signing that runs past the beginning of the show,
giving them the chance to book themselves with the Rock when HE wants the
Rock. He says he wants the Rock tonight; he doesn't care if he has to put
the title on the line. Vince says Rock doesn't deserve a title shot - the
answer is no. Dogg & X-Pac say THEY want a shot at the Rock tonight.
Vince says "this thing is Shane and Vince, tonight. ... Just let us have
OUR night tonight, okay? Thank you very much." As the office empties,
Stephanie takes a seat next to Vince on the coach. "Triple H is such a
hothead, you know - he doesn't mean any disrespect..."
"WWF Aggression" is available at National Record Mart and other fine
musical type locales!
No! Noooooo, not YOU too, Seal! Will NO ONE remain un-co-opted by the
evils of Sonicnet.com ad appearances? Well, haven't seen the Kraftwerk
robots there yet...I guess...
When we come back, Stephanie is still shmoozing her father. Triple H
*shouldn't* defend the WWF Championship tonight, but X-Pac and Road Dogg
ARE ready to go - she thinks they deserve a chance to "kick the Rock's
butt! I mean, Daddy, you own the company. You can annihilate the Rock any
time you want - you can have him Monday night! But tonight, if you just
let X-Pac and Road Dogg just - kick the Rock's butt, it'd be so great!
Please? For me, Dad, please?" Head on the shoulder for emphasis. "Just
this once." There's another mouth kiss...ewwwww. "Thanks Daddy." Hey
Stephanie, work on the arms if you're not gonna wear sleeves.
DEAN MALENKO v. TAKA MICHINOKU for the light heavyweight championship -
Cole brings up the fact that three of the four R4dicalz carry gold for the
first time. Taka tries to rush the ring but Malenko takes charge as the
match begins, pounding on the back. Into the ropes, but Michinoku drops
down with a rollup for 2. Malenko blocks, and kicks the gut. Gutshot with
the knee - into the ropes, across his back - Taka holds on and rolls into
an armdrag. Dropkick takes Malenko outside. ASAI MOONSAULT! Cole
actually mentions Taka's former championship status. Back in the ring we
go...kick, snapmare takeover, dropkick to the back of the head, Taka
leading clapping, bow, dropkick to the face! Taka jump around with
infectious smile. Malenko counters a hiptoss attempt and comes back with a
body scissors and wheelbarrow suplex. Stomp, stomp, stomp. In the corner,
right cross, right, kick, kick, kick, stomp, stand on the neck. Referee
"Blind" Jack Doan gets between them to stop it. After a brief discussion,
Malenko is back on him - to the centre of the ring - belly-to-back suplex.
Turning him over - rear chinlock....now a camel clutch! Taka won't give
up. Tonight: Big Show takes on the Godfather! Stomp from Malenko. Into
the ropes, Sunset flip from Taka for 2, clothesline by Malenko.
Backbreaker by Malenko - then he pushes down on the chin to stretch him a
bit more. Still won't give up, Malenko shoves him off and stomps away.
Into the corner, Malenko follows with a clothesline. Vertical suplex - and
2. Hard into the corner, but Michinoku puts up a boot. Malenko runs at
him, ducked, belly-to-belly OVERHEAD suplex by Michinoku...for 2. Head to
the buckle - he's on top, slap to the face - tornado DDT! 1, 2, kickout!!
Taka back to the top - missile dropkick! He's signalling for it - but
Malenko scoots out of the Michinoku Driver attempt - belly-to-back suplex
flips Taka all the way over, landing on his feet. But Malenko folds him up
with a powerbomb - 1, 2, NO! Are the commentators ACTUALLY putting over
the action here? The WWF: unbelievable! Malenko whips him into the
corner, reversed, Malenko dumps him over the top to the apron, Michinoku
right, to the top - Malenko with a gutshot - HE'S on the second rope -
Michinoku on his back - SUPER GUTBUSTER! The Tejas cloverleaf is academic
- Michinoku taps out. (5:05) Replay of the gutbuster.
In the locker room, Shane narrates a package he's put together from RAW -
Show dancing, Show putting Grand Master Sexay through a table, then
liberating his hat and glasses. "You ain't seen nothin' yet..." Show, off
camera, calls Shane over to dig his NEW style.
Exterior of the SPECTACULAR San Jose Arena - and the "SOLD OUT" marquee
Mae Young tells Kurt Angle that they should team up to become the champions
- Angle is just about ready to resign himself to it when he sees Hardcore
Holly walk by. Angle begs for him to help him out. Holly: "Edge &
Christian - you know, I don't like those two little girls - I think it'd be
FUN to kick their ass!" Hey, do these guys ALWAYS just walk around dressed
to wrestle? I mean, it's COLD outside - you can't just WALK AROUND in
tights and no shirt, Bob!
THA GODFATHA (with ten - no, five ho's) v. WELL IT'S THE BIG SHOW - I'm not
sure if it's gotten across yet, but Godfather is JUST a fun lovin' guy who
loves to have fun - AND SMOKE WEED. Sign in crowd: San HOse. Show comes
out to his "WWF Aggression" theme dress as "the Big Pimp," complete with
gold-glitter covered Mercedes symbol, boa and hat. "Big Pimp in the
house!" He's living large and in charge, 'cause he's the big pimp, ho,
raise the roof, ho, raise the roof, ho. "I tell you what, you ladies here
in the building - everything goes right tonight, you might get a chance to
get with a Big Show - wrapped in leathahhhh..." we get a mostly waist-up
view, missing his pelvic thrusts - hey this IS a TV-PG show! Godfather
from behind, and all over him. No effect, whip is reversed, duck by
Godfather, but WELL IT'S A BIG DROPKICK! "Big Pimp's in the house!" Well
it's a big elbow. Show punctuating most of his moves with eiher "Woooo" or
"Big Show's in the house!" or both. Double Feature of the dropkick from a
very kind camera angle. Grand Master Sexay, we are told, is out with a
knee injury - didn't he have one of those LAST year? Tide is turned when a
second rope elbowdrop misses. Godfather with rights, big kick under the
chin, bulldog, and Show remembers to flop his way into the corner because
it's time once again for everybody to come aboard the HO TRAIN! Referee
"Blind" Tim White has turned his attention to one of the ladies up on the
apron, missing Show getting his walking stick and breaking it over
Godfather. 1, 2, 3. (2:26) Show points to the ho after the match - is he
wearing glitter? He's got quite a gut, there. Anyway, he invites the ho
into the ring and then dramatically plants one on her - being sure to check
out her ass while he's at it. She's got some giant breasts, yup. Show
puts her over his shoulder and walks off with her...does his fiancee know
about this?
Edge & Christian...are...WALKING!
wwf.com - say no to crack
OLYMPIC GOLD MEDALIST, CELEBRATED REAL ATHLETE, AMERICAN HERO, CONSPIRACY
VICTIM, MASTER OF THE LOOPHOLE, AYATOLLAH OF ROCK AND ROLLA...NO, WAIT -
KURT ANGLE and HARDCORE HOLLY v. EDGE (you thank you for Kim) & CHRISTIAN
for the tag team championship - quite a few "It's True, It's True" signs
out there. Does this guy have a face turn in his future? I notice none of
the "Angle sucks" signs get camera time...nice "Big Teef" sign for Edge out
there as well. Castrol GTX brings you Backlash on 30 April - a
pay-per-view that DRIVES HARD! Holly directs Angle to the outside - HE'LL
start. He and Christian meet, lockup, side headlock by Holly, into the
ropes, shoulderblock by Hardy, off the ropes, leapfrog, kick by Holly,
duck, gutshot, into the ropes, up and over, Christian takes him into the
ropes and hits a big back body drop, arm drag, arm wringer, tag to Edge,
into the ropes, double hiplock. Cover - 2. Arm wringer, Holly reverses,
pounding on the arm, reversed back, to the eyes, Holly tags in Angle, who
wails away with rights. Into the ropes, boot up, Christian with a
clothesline from the apron, Edge pounding away. Whip is reversed, but Edge
manages a superkick after ducking the clothesline. Edge to the second
rope...Angle catches the axehandle and hits a belly-to-belly suplex. Tag
to Holly - stomp, stomp, stomp, stomp. Clubbing blow to the back - words
for referee "Blind" Chad Patton. Into the ropes, and Holly hits a back
elbow for 2. The beach ball was confiscated here, but they turned down the
crowd. HALF HOUR SUPLEX! Holly covers - again, it's 2. Tag to Angle.
Right. In the corner, right, right, kick, right, vertical suplex, 1, 2,
nope. Lawler accuses Cole's father of not showing him enough love. Huh?
Right by Edge, Angle beats him down. Cover - 2. Right, into the ropes,
sunset flip by Edge for 2! Angle knocks him down again - cover - 2.
Lawler, having tried three times to explain how Holly can weigh over 400
pounds only to be interrupted by Cole's pesky play-by-play, blurts out an
exasperated "Will you SHUT UP for a sec and let me explain to you about
something you know nothing about, and that's muscles - they're dense! They
weigh a lot more than that - that FLAB that's hangin' off your little
body--" Cole: "FLAB?!? Look who's talking!" Cole can barely keep a
straight face here. Holly with a kick off the tag. Now they're trading
blows in the corner - now Holly is unleashing a series of kicks. Whip into
the opposite corner - big powerslam - 1, 2, no! Sidewalk slam coming up -
right hand by Edge, but it doesn't carry much sting when he's lying on his
back. Tag to Angle, punching away, into the corner, Edge manages a drop
toehold into the turnbuckle! Big lariat but that's all he had - both men
are down. Both men reaching - tag to Holly, HOT TAG TO CHRISTIAN! Duck,
right, right, atomic drop for Angle (Lawler: "*Inverted.*" Cole:
"(inverted)") Angle to the mat. Into the ropes - dobule flapjack for
Holly! 1, 2, Angle makes the save. SPEAR! Angle rolls out. Holly puts a
boot into the face and Edge goes outside. Christian put in the corner,
clothesline, backbreaker across the knee. Outside, Angle hits the
barricade off the whip - Edge over to crotch Holly as he climbs to the top.
Christian up - Edge under his shoulders - Holly is two stories up - and
SUPERSUPERPLEXED! And that's it. 1, 2, 3. (6:36) Edge and Christian
collect their belts and walk off while Angle gives us some disbelief - then
brings a mic into the ring. "You know, I can't believe this. They call
you the Big Shot? What you need to do is take the O out of Big Shot and
add one of my three I's - I mean, GEEZ! For the record, this is YOUR loss,
not MY loss. I am STLL a contender for championship gold!
You know what - I hate to say it, but I should have picked Mae Young
instead of you." Holly gives Angle a slap, gutshot, into the ropes, Best
Dropkick in the Business, Hollycaust! I *think* he's pissed. Holly's
music plays and he leaves Angle laying.
The Rock is pacing! He's NEXT!
"The following is a Handicap match, scheduled for one fall!" Ring
announcer TONY CHIMEL is interrupted by "No Chance in Hell" and SKIPPY
walking out to the ring. After some words, Chimel says "Ladies and
gentlemen, introducing the Special Guest Ring Announcer - Shane McMahon!"
"Thank you, and I would like to announce first that Mr. Hebner, your
services will no longer be needed here this evening in this very matchup so
you can get yourself to the back!" The "Shane's a pussy" chant fires up
again. "And I would like to announce, tonight, a very Special Guest
Referee. A referee that is more competent - a referee that does not make
mistakes - and a referee that knows this game better than anybody - ladies
and gentlemen, accompanied by his beautiful wife STEPHANIE, give it up for
TRIPLE H!" Well, we made it almost 110 minutes without this entrance, so
*that's* something. Hey Steph, hit the gym. "Ladies and gentlemen, it is
my honour and my privlege to announce
the most dynamic tag team ever assembled here in the World Wrestling
Federation. Being led down the aisle by that hot-legged TORI, he is the X
to the P to the A to the C - and he is that D O double G - give it up for
D-GENERATION X!" Of course, "The Kings" (who?) leads this team to the ring
(what?). For some reason, Shane doesn't HAVE an intro for the Rock - they
just play his music and let the fans pop.
D-GENERATION X v. LA ROCA in a Handicap match - oh boy! Stephanie on third
headset! She *does* get off a good zinger for Cole, though: "You know,
DON'T preface anything by saying 'no disrespect meant' - obvi - whenever
you say something like that it MEANS you're gonna disrespect me." X-Pac
starts. Well, actually Dogg tries to make first contact from behind, but
Rock turns around and levels him, block, right for X-Pac, into the ropes,
reversed, duck, right by Rock, Dogg sent over to the outside, Samoan Drop
on X-Pac, cover, leg hooked - Triple H over SLOWLY, checking one shoulder,
then the other, 1, checking the first shoulder again, Rock breaks it,
seeing Dogg coming in - but Dogg takes him out anyway - doubleteam
stompfest. Double choke. H thinking about telling them to cool it with
the illegal stuff but they stop before he arrives at a final decision about
that. Dogg with a right. Right. Kick, kick, kick, right, right, right,
Dogg with a faux eyebrow to incense the crowd - Rock pops out of the corner
and unleashes a clothesline, but Dogg ducks - left, left, left, juke, jive,
block, Rock with a right, right, right, into the ropes, reversed, knee in
the back by X-Pac, right cross puts him on the mat. Wiggly wobbly
wooclykneedrop, cover, fast count but Rock still manages to kick out at 2.
X-Pac in without a tag and both men stomp on him for a bit - Dogg goes out
while X-Pac puts on a rear chinlock. H in to check for the submission by
slapping him in the cheek a couple times - Rock tries to take a swing at
him. X-Pac really wrenching it in. Stephanie talks about the neck damage
Rock gave her on Sunday. "X-Pac sux" chant from the crowd. H raises the
arm...and it drops. Going again - but Rock is up, right, right, breaking
the hold, right, right, right, off the ropes, but into a spinning heel kick
from X-Pac. Set up in the corner, standing on the neck - Triple H pulling
him off, then putting HIS foot on his neck. X-Pac hits his broncobuster.
X-Pac with a celebration, giving Rock JUST enough time to completely shake
off ALL of this, pop up and put X-Pac in the corner. Right! Right!
Right! Right! NOW KISS THAT RIGHT! Dogg in, gutshot, DDT! X-Pac tries
to put Rock in the ropes, but it's reversed - tilt-a-whirl powerslam! Dogg
breaks up the "count." Into the ropes - spinebuster! X-Pac takes a shot
off the apron and falls into Shane - they BOTH fall on top of the
commentary table! While Triple H checks THIS out, he unfortunately ends up
with his back to the action - Rock runs Dogg into H who flies out of the
ring, then hits ROCK BOTTOM on Dogg! Cover, leg hooked - but there's no
ref! Out runs "BLIND" EARL HEBNER but BILLIONAIRE VINCE is right behind
him. 1, 2, Vince pullls him out and *unleashes* his HAND OF STONE! Rock
mouths "son of a bitch" and some other words and then goes outside to chase
Vince up the ramp - catching him at the top - right hand! Rock backs away
as Stephanie walks up the ramp to check on her father - but Rock is out
with a STEEL chair - so they stop. Shane and Hunter are over...frantically
motioning to Vince (who's coming to) to walk over and join THEM - Vince
turns around and EATS the chairshot! DX is held at bay by the chair - Rock
puts a foot on Vince's chest - play his music! Bring up the credits! It's
time to go! Let's call it (no contest - around 5)
Hey, if you're so inclined, you might want to come back to Tuesday's version and see how the final product differed...as
well as how much I missed (or not)!
Christopher Robin Zimmerman
www.CRZ.net