by Christopher Robin Zimmerman
WrestleLine/WrestleManiacs
Okay, well when I should have been writing this, I was watching the Stanley
Cup finals. I REGRET NOTHING!
If you're watching a Rock pastiche, it MUST be UPN Thursday!
One World Leader Attitude - WWF!
Opening Credits - TV-PG-DLV - WHOA they sneak the Undertaker in there
quickly, don't they?
BOOM BOOM BOOM LET'S GO BACK TO MY ROOM PYRO En Espanol Donde Sea
Disponible - did that sign REALLY say "No Goal?" C'mon, that's like saying
that the 49ers fumbled the ball in the NFC Championship game - *I've*
gotten over it. Anyway, we're in Buffalo, NY (oh) at the Four Letters I
Didn't Hear Correctly Arena 8.6.2K (taped 6.6) and oh it's SmackDown!
KOR QUALIFYING MATCH: CHRIS THURSDAY JERICHO v. TEST (with Trish Stratus -
the fitness model) - "Tonight, I face Test in the opening round of the King
of the Ring tournament, and even though you may not become the King of the
Ring, in Y2J's book, you're already the Jerkle of the Squared Circle!"
Hey, that was kinda week, Jerky. Cole says earlier today Jericho called
Stratus "Trash" which might have been funny - if we'd heard it. Test
rushes the ring and it's on - lockup, Test shoves him down, Test with a big
right. Off the ropes, duck, Jericho chop, chop, chop, chop, off the ropes
with a spinning heel kick. Test over to the apron, springboard dropkick by
Jericho. Test manages a surprise right coming back in - but Jericho is
back on him as he gets in the ring. Off the ropes is reversed - Jericho
holds on but Test puts a big boot in his face. Head to the buckle, Test
with about a hundred rights. Jericho battles back, but Test holds onto the
whip attempt and hits Uncle Slam for 2. Into the ropes, back elbow by
Test. Test straddles Jericho and chokes him on the second rope. Slugfest
erupts, and Test takes control. Hard whip into the opposite corner -
Jericho gets a shoulder up. "Y2J" chant starts as Jericho starts punching.
To the opposite corner - can you believe Test gets lost on the way and
kinda has to slowly back over to the correct spot? Crazy. Kick from
Jericho, right, chop, into the ropes, head down so Test puts him in a
waistlock and brings him over for a powerbomb - but only gets 2! Right
hand by Test, sent into the opposite corner, foot up by Jericho, missile
dropkick. Right, right, Test ducks, right, right, into the ropes, Jericho
comes off with the flying jalapeno. I'm starting to think Test should
avoid the whip into the ropes. 2 for Jericho. *Jericho* tries a whip into
the ropes following a chop - reversed by Test (go figure), Jericho ducks
and hits a back elbow. Jericho ready to try the Lionsault, but he makes
the mistake of going off the ropes on Stratus' side, and gets a platform
boot in the mush. Test covers....only 2! Test right, right, into the
ropes, Jericho manages a rollup off the ropes, but referee "Blind" Jim
Korderas is suddenly distracted by Stratus on the apron. Must be asking
him if he's seen her other shoe. Gutshot by Test, setting him up for the
pumphandle, but Jericho manages to follow through and land on his feet -
shoving Test to the ropes, and somehow Korderas develops eyes in the back
of his head, just moving aside so that Stratus takes the brunt! Jericho
off the ropes, Test out of position to take the bulldog, so Jericho does a
ninety degree thing and hits it anyway. Lionsault DOES hit this time - 1,
2, 3. (4:15) Kind of a woofer.
Wow! The Rock is WALKING! Mosh tries to greet him, but Rock gives him a
"What the hell are you doing on this show?" look and keeps going.
Hey, Stone Cold Steve Austin on Dilbert this Tuesday! I'll probably still
watch "Family Guy." Did you know Dilbert often finishes dead last in the
ratings? Well, except for all those Pax shows nobody watches. What was my
point? This is a long ad break? Show you right.
WWF Entertainment promo - hmm, is it the Super Bowl again?
APPROXIMATELY 89% OF THE MCMAHON-HELMSLEY FACTION hits the ring to
fireworks, balloons and confetti - they must have gotten wind of the
simultaneous goings on in Knoxville and they too are celebrating Ric
Flair's retirement. And how appropriate - Triple H *is* Ric Flair and all.
Kane watches this on a monitor in the back - and we watch him. "Does DX
know how to celebrate or what? Now this is a party, right Kid? I'll tell
you what...when something good happens to Triple H, I just want to share it
with all of my famliyh, with all of my friends, with all of my associates,
I just want to hold a big party, and tonight I wanna have that party right
here in front of all of you! Now, don't worry, it's not what you're
thinking - I still despise each and every one of you - I don't want to have
to party WITH you so that you can share in the celebration; I want to have
it in front of you so I can ram it down your stinkin' throats! You see,
this celebration stems from last Monday night. You see, because at the
beginning of that night, we had an unprecedented THREE #1 Contenders for MY
World Wrestling Federation championship - and by the end of that night...we
had NO #1 Contenders for my World Wrestling Federation championship. You
see, because as the night went on, we got rid of Kane - we got rid of the
Undertaker - and then, in the grand finale, right in the centre of this
very ring, I defeated the Rock - 1, 2, 3! Proving once again to the world
that I am That Damn Good, that I am The Game, and that I am THE UNdisputed
World Wrestling Federation champion! But you know, this party is a
celebration, and it's also a way for me to say 'thank you' to my family and
to my friends. ["Rock E!"] If you'd shut up, I'm trying to celebrate!
Pat, Gerry - champ, I'd like to thank the two of you, because as Stooges
go, you two are the best. Let me tell you that - there are none better.
'Pac, Dogg, you guys are the best, man, and I just want to thank you. A
guy couldn't ask for two better friends to travel up and down that road
with, kickin' butts and takin' names than the two of you - ya always got my
back, and for that I'm forever thankful, man. All right? Shane - my
brother-in-law - Shane, straight from the heart, man...when it comes to
brothers, you are without a doubt, the King of brothers, man. And you
always got my back - you are indeed the Giant Killer. Tori...when you got
two friends like these, somebody's gotta keep 'em in line, and you do one
hell of a job of keepin' these guys straight and makin' them watch my back
- thank you. And then...to my beautiful wife ["slut!"] You know they say
that behind every great man, there's an even greater woman standing next to
him. And as great as I am, you can only imagine what that makes her. You
are the best! I tell you what...I just wanna hug all of you. Thank you!
Pat, come on, get in here, gimme some lovin' Pat!" This is as good a cue
as any for LA ROCA, so out he comes. You know he's serious because he's
not wearing shades! I guess. Another respectful pause as the crowd chants
his name. "Now the Rock hates to break up your little party, but the Rock
figured he'd throw a party of his own, right here in Buffalo. (Crowd: "He
said the name of our city!") But this party's gonna be a little different.
The Rock isn't gonna serve up balloons and streamers and cake, and give
hugs and all that crap. The Rock says he's gonna serve one thing and one
thing only - payback. You see, Triple H, you can keep your WWF title
tonight, because it's not about the Rock taking the WWF title from you,
it's about the Rock giving you the asskicking of a lifetime! ["Rock E!"]
And it just doesn't matter what type of match it is - it can be the Rock
and Triple H in a no-DQ match - it can be the Rock and DX in a handicap
match - it can be the Rock and Stephanie in a stick fifty balloons right up
your (beep) match! Because the fact of the matter is this - is that the
Rock is gonna get payback, and he's gonna get it...tonight." "Rock E!"
"Listen up, Mr. Party Pooper. You wanna talk about payback? You gotta
lotta anger inside you - the problem is, it's a little big misguided,
because your problem is not with us - if you're lookin' for payback, you're
starin' in the wrong direction. Now, you can come down here and you can
take a beating...or, you can take a look at this footage I had prepared -
yeah, I knew you were gonna come out here, Rock, you can't resist - why
don't you take a look at this, and let's see who deserves your anger - who
deserves your wrath. Judgment Day...the Undertaker chokeslams. You can
see Shawn Michaels telling him not to do it. Blatant disregard, Rock -
purposely costing you the World Wrestling Federation championship. Now
Rock, lightning strikes twice in the same place, but it's the Undertaker
chokeslamming you, Rock, costing you AGAIN the World Wrestling Federation
championship. Now, Rock, you have to ask yourself - what are the odds of
lightning striking twice in the exact same place?" Before Rock can ponder
Undertaker costing him the title AGAIN on Monday, Kid Rock fires up and out
drives THE GHOST RIDER on his Beautiful Titan Bike. He drives by Rock,
down the ramp, and around the ring, scattering lots of confetti and
balloons. Kane is still watching on a monitor. Undertaker stops at the
bottom of the ramp and removes his coat, continuing to look at Rock. Now
he's walking back up the ramp...no, he turns back and hits the ring! The
Faction attacks Black Ninja style, and goes down, one by one. FINALLY
Triple H gets in a shot and the numbers take command...Undertaker with
another comeback. Rock decides he WILL hit the ring to help, and HE cleans
house one at a time until Triple H and X-Pac get the better of him.
Undertaker comes to, tossing Shane over the top rope and putting Road Dogg
in a choke. Rock coming back with punches to Triple H and X-Pac. X-Pac
grabs the chair left in the ring and rushes Undertaker, who puts up a boot
and takes him out. Undertaker picks up the chair as X-Pac and Rock end up
backing into each other in the centre of the ring - you know what happens
next. Undertaker unleashes a mighty swing - and ends up hitting the Rock
when X-Pac ducks. Undertaker DOES get a shot to Triple H's back before
everybody scatters. Undertaker gets back on his back and chases everybody
up the ramp - but Rock is left laying in the middle of the ring. I'd have
less of a problem with this if they hadn't already chewed up a half an hour
of show time...
Big Show eats some ravioli
SHAFT!
Mid ad-break standard UPN bumper
Just in case you nodded off during the past twenty minutes, here's the Rock
hitting the ring, and Undertaker hitting the Rock (by mistake - heh heh
heh) from Moments Ago
Rock is back up - and he's WALKING! Happening by the door with an
"Undertaker" sign on it, he opens it up - we follow him into the room...but
Kane is there. "Where is he?!" Kane puts his hands upon his hips - when
he dips, he dips, you dip. "You gonna answer the Rock?" "If you're so
anxious to get your brains scrambled again, you don't have to find the
Undertaker - I'll do it for ya." Rock puts a hand in his face and now
they're trading punches. They fight out towards the hall, where the timely
intervention of referees and officials quashes this encounter. Good thing
they were standing by - that could have gotten ugly!
WWF TAG TEAM CHAMPIONSHIP: TOO COOL v. THA GODFATHA & SMILIN' DEAN MALENKO
(with fourteen - no....seven ho's) - champs enter first because they're the
heels - no, wait, that's not right...anyway, the 21st Century B-Boys find
themselves strangely distracted, so the challengers get a sneak attack to
take control....until Scotty Too Hotty holds on from a whip, then ducks a
followup attempt as Godfather takes himself over the top rope to the floor.
Doubleteam on Malenko - dobule flapjack. Malenko goes outside as the
champs take turns busting moves. Unfortunately, their backs are to
Godfather, who is warming up his train - Hotty takes the Ho Train - but
Grand Master Sexay hits a superkick. Doubel clothesline, double pose,
double elbows MISS - Godfather with a double clothesline of his own - Sexay
rolls out, big back body drop for Hotty. Tag to Malenko, off the ropes,
Hotty ducks, hiptoss attempt blocked, gutshot, knee across the neck
backflip, Malenko drops him with a clothesline. Oh well. Right, right,
suplex, 1, 2, no. Into the ropes, followup knee. Tag to Godfather, into
the ropes, double back elbow, shot for Sexay, Godfather drops an elbow, but
Sexay is in and we get no count from referee "Blind" Dick Kroll (just
kidding - it's Tim White). Godfather stomps on Hotty a bit, instead.
Picking him up for a backdrop suplex - 1, 2, no. Tag to Malenko - open
kick. Tonight, Guerrero vs. Matt Hardy in a KOR Qualifier, Benoit vs. Jeff
Hardy for the title. Into the ropes, Sunset flip by Hotty after the head
is put down - Malenko kicks out at 2 and puts him down again. Repeated
knees to the face. Big kick. Another kick...in the corner, and whipped
out to the opposite corner. Followup clothesline. Up for a suplex, but
Hotty lands on his feet, then takes Malenko up and over from a Slop Drop
into a gourdbuster (yow!) Will he make the hot tag? I'm thinking he just
might. There we go. Sexay decides to dance a bit - clothesline,
clothesline, right, off the ropes, big back body drop, out of the corner,
but Malenko puts a boot up - then runs into a powerslam. 1, 2, Godfather
saves it. All four men in now - Malenko whipped into the corner, Hotty off
the ropes with a bulldog, funny face, W O R M, karate chop, Godfather
FINALLY breaks up Sexay's choke and knocks Hotty outside the ring and into
the women. Hotty seems kinda happy about that, but Godfather ain't
standin' for the free sample business - outside, right, thrown back in.
Meanwhile, Sexay reverses an Irish whip by Malenko, but Malenko dumps him
over the top rope onto the apron off the charge. Hotty ducks a clothesline
and suplexes Malenko as Sexay goes to the top and dons the goggles - Hip
Hop Drop! 1, 2, 3. (4:58) Godfather asks his women if they've ever read
"I, Tina." Wouldn't wanna be in THAT hotel tonight!
Back in the Faction' dressing room, Shane tells his friends (and the camera
- and us) how happy he is that Undertaker, Kane and Rock are at each
other's throats. H says it'd be a great night to pick those guys apart.
Dogg says he and X-Pac could take out all three of them...X-Pac says maybe
with Hunter, they could do it. Shane gets all "yeah yeah yeah" and books a
six-man tag. Does Triple H seem less than enthralled with the current
developement? Seems like it was HIS idear....
SmackDown! continues - after some more ads
WWF.com - it's like pushing a blind guy in the path of a bus
WWF SmackDown! is brought to you by Stacker 2, Midas, and Bally Total Fitness!
CHRIS BENOIT v. JEFF HARDY for the Intercontinental championship - Champion
enters first because....hell, maybe he likes it. I dunno. Saturday's
Phoenix onsale features a live appearance by Shawn Michaels! Get excited!
Lockup, to the corner - semi-clean break as referee "Blind" Mike Sparks
tries to set the tone, but Benoit is quickly back in and laying in the
knife-edge chops. Kick, kick, kick, headbutt, kick, some unkind words and
stare for the ref - hey, they're almost the same height! Right hand by
Benoit, kick, into the opposite corner, but Hardy scales the corner - look
ma, no hands - twisting moonsault! Hardy runs at Benoit, who dumps him
over the top - Hardy pulls Benoit down by the hair, then bounces back in
with a split-legged moonsault for 2. Axehandle, scoop slam, going to the
top...firebird splash (!) misses - Hardy tries to land on his feet - or did
he mean to try? Commentators play up Benoit's frequent title defenses and
fightingestibility. Off the ropes, Benoit buries a knee into Hardy, who
flips. Benoit stomping away. Into the ropes, another flip off the buried
knee. Benoit stomps. Into the corner hard - Hardy flips up and falls
down, catching himself in the Tree of Woe. Benoit unmerciless with the
stomping. 4, 5, 6, Sparks finally steps in and tells him to stop stomping
until Hardy can free himself - Hardy slumps down to the mat. Benoit dumps
him onto the top rope - big right hand - kick takes him out to the floor.
Benoit outside - and putting him back in. Hardy tries a gutshot, Benoit
stomps on him in return. Whip int the corner, Hardy lands sternum first
and falls back into a near fall. Benoit whips him into the ropes, Hardy
surprises him coming out with a flying headscissors. Hardy advances,
Benoit puts him in the corner hard, kick to the gut - powerbomb attempt
coming up, but Hardy rolls through, over and turns it into an UGLY rollup -
1, 2, kickout. Women's battle royal tonight! Benoit with a chop. Into
the ropes, Hardy slides under, then climbs back up on the apron. Benoit
decides HE'LL run the ropes, but rolls down as Hardy tries to fly back in
over the top. Benoit frees himself from the tangle in the ropes, but not
quick enough as Hardy connects with an enzuigiri - now off the ropes and
diving onto Benoit on the floor! Hardy is up first, stomp, back in the
ring, Subway provides the tope con hilo Double Feature. Benoit in position
- Hardy off the top with the swanton bomb! It's all over - 1, 2, foot on
the rope!! Hardy argues with Sparks when he should be trying to capitalise
on this...stomp for Benoit - whip is reversed as Benoit holds on, Hardy
ducks the clothesline, waistlock, Benoit wraps his ankle around Hardy's to
block, spinning around, armbar takedown IMMEDIATELY into the Crippler
crossface! Hardy has no choice but to tap. (5:32) Wow, this must be like
my REWARD for sitting through that twenty minute claptrap earlier in the
show. Hey, Benoit offering the Hand of Friendship! Hardy takes it and you
gotta enjoy the rare display of sportsmanship--oh, wait, Benoit WAFFLES him
with the title belt. HA! Benoit with a sneering grin. Wow, that rules
even harder now. I guess he isn't a face anymore....?
This report returns in a moment.
And now, Stacker 2 presents the WWF Burn of the Week! From RAW, the Dudley
Boyz give Kurt Angle 3D through a table
KURT ANGLE & EDGE & CHRISTIAN v. THOSE DAMN DUDLEYZ in a Handicap match -
"What I would like to talk to you tonight about is sportsmanship. When you
lose, the right thing to do - the right thing to do is offer a
congratulatory handshake to the victor, or vow to do better next time.
What you DON'T do is put Olympic Heroes through tables - you don't - you
don't. I mean, there are thousands of children distraught and will
probably fail their finals this week after watching what the Dudley Boyz
did to their Olympic Hero last Monday night on RAW. Not to mention...our
former champions, mind you, lost their tag team titles after my good friend
Christian was hit in the genitals with a hockey stick by a midget - I mean,
enough's enough! What I'm trying to say here is it all boils down to this:
this world is FULL of sore losers. It's true, it's true." "Now, speaking
of sore losers, how fitting is it that we're in the capital city of sore
losers...Buffalo, New York? Now I'm talkin' Super Bowls, Stanley Cup
Finals....OJ...it SO doesn't get any more depressing than right here!"
"Now, even though you are sore losers, tonight we will unveil a very
special new pose. So, for the benefit of those with flash photography, we
call this one
'Ifyouhaddahitthatfieldgoalyouwouldn'tbenationaljokesmayhaveactuallywonaSuperBow
linsteadoflosingfourinarowbutyoudidn'tsotoobad' for five seconds only!"
Angle puts on a blue jersey with "NORWOOD" on the back as Edge and
Christian form uprights - Angle lines up and kicks...and everyone's head
turns wide right. Angle makes a grief pose for five seconds. We check out
some BUFFALO BILLS in the front row just before the opponents appear. You
know, speaking of OJ, did you catch that FOX News Channel "surprise?" That
dude's NUTS. Angle start in on D-Von with rights - into the ropes, big
clothesline, tag to Edge, open shot, right, right, D-Von punches back, into
the corner, boot up by Edge, D-Von catches him as he comes off with a
clothesline. Both men tag - Buh-Buh Ray all over Christian, back body drop
for Angle, Samoan Drop for Edge, got Angle for the "head butt to the graun"
spot but Christian crotches D-Von before he can get into position. Edge
dumps Buh-Buh Ray and he and Christian go to work on D-Von. Christian with
a superplex off Edge's shoulders (!) and covers - but referee "Blind" Mike
Chioda is busy trying to deal with Buh-Buh Ray and Angle on the outside.
Edge over to try to help - Buh-Buh Ray brings HIM out - bad idea. Edge and
Angle take turns pinballing Dudley between them. Dudley sidesteps Edge's
spear, however, and Angle goes down. D-Von reverses a whip in the ring,
and you can hear EVERYBODY in the building shout of "3D" as Buh-Buh Ray
gets into position. 3D (Dudley Death Drop) on Christian - 1, 2, 3. (1:49)
Here's a replay.
JONATHON COACHMAN interviews Stephanie - tonight there's a women's battle
royale, and she'll defend her title against the winner later that night.
Stephanie takes the Coach into the women's locker room in the hopes that
we'll learn who's in this match - just seems like an excuse to chance upon
Kat, clad only in a towel - but at least it keeps us from continuing to
listen to Stephanie speak...Coach gives us "embarrassment" and takes the
camera back outside - what a killjoy.
Commentators shill "7 Days" as we take a look at the outside of the
BEAUTIFUL HSBC Arena
Undertaker catches up with his brother. "I hear you've been sittin' back
here watchin' TV all night - even while DX is out there stompin' a mudhole
in me!" "Yeah - I watched you out there with DX - and I enjoyed it...but
don't worry...I'll cover you in the six-man tag."
STEPHANIE ONO (with Tori & the TV-PG-DLV ratings box) are out - Tori
wearing a zebra half shirt. Cole wonders aloud about the thirty-day rule
for title defenses as Stephanie tells ring announcer TONY CHIMEL that Tori
is the Special Guest Referee for the next match...
ERNEST MILLER v. NIPPLES v. IVORY (with her damn scarf) v. JACQUELINE v.
LITA - Gotta like how Terri and Jackie still have the same PMS music.
Well, I do, anyway. Kat and Terri tussle while Ivory and Jackie form an
alliance on Lita. Double hiptoss - Ivory covers, Jackie pulls her off,
Jackie covers, Ivory pulls HER off - now they're arguing and it'll come to
blows, I'm sure. WOW! Terri with a bodyslam of the Kat! Terri tosses Kat
through the ropes for the first elimination (:46) Lita tosses Terri in
mid-celebration. (:52) Jackie puts Ivory down and forearms Lita. Into
the ropes, duck, Lita takes down Ivory on the followthrough, but Jacqueline
knocks Lita down when she turns around. No, Stephanie HASN'T said anything
interesting on third headset. Picking up Lita, Jackie unleashes an elbow,
another, tries to put her over the top to the floor, but she holds on and
slides back in under the bottom rope. Big sledge to Jackie's back, in the
corner, knee, knee, into the opposite corner is reversed, Lita comes out
with a flying headscissors to counter the bodyslam attempt and Jackie
slides out. (1:53) Ivory FINALLY comes to and puts a boot in the gut -
pounding on the back - bodyslam - on the second rope - splash misses. Lita
pounding on her back - snap suplex - put in position for Lita to try her
moonsault - got it! 1, 2, 3! (2:44) Ivory flops out of the ring as Lita
points to Stephanie and makes the "I want da belt" hand motion. Tori from
behind with a double sledge to surprise her, though. Tori puts her in the
powerbomb position, then flips her up and over her head into a gourdbuster!
Hey, she stole that from Scotty Too Hotty! Anyway, Stephanie walks up into
the ring, calls for the bell, covers Lita - 1, 2, 3. (:11) Well, at least
she's smart.
WWF SmackDown! returns in a moment on (U! P! N!) UPN
Let Us Take You Back to Moments Ago - Lita's stomach looks kinda funky,
don't it? Or is it just her pants bein' too low makes it look that way?
Thong thong thong thong thong. Hey, Stephanie even hooked the leg, how
'bout that? Slow count! Slow count!
KEVIN "NAILZ" KELLY stands by with Lita. How's she feel? "How do I feel?
Kevin, that's a pretty stupid question. Did you watch out there? I've
worked my whole life for this. I defeated everybody there to get my
legitimate title shot...to get it taken away from behind? That's
ridiculous! This is some big game to her, I know that, this little
McMahon-Helmsley Regime, and this is far from over...This is not a game to
me."
KOR QUALIFIER: EDDIE GUERRERO (with That Slut Chyna) v. MATT HARDY - Subway
(the way a sandwich should be) brings you the King of the Ring two weeks
from Sunday! Earlier Tonight, Benoit whacked Jeff with the
intercontinental title - and smiled. Here we go. Feeling out process.
Guerrero with a hammerlock, into a headlock, Hardy arm wringer, Guerrero
flips up over and out, arm wringer takes Hardy to the mat, Hardy gets the
boots up to put Guerrero down, legsweep by Guerrero, cover, 1, Hardy goes
for a legsweep of his own but Guerrero jumps over it, gutshot, snapmare
takeover by Hardy, hammerlock, and I take a breath. Guerrero reaches
behind for the neck - jumping up and rolling into a headlock takeover, but
Hardy holds onto the wrist! Guerrero manages to turn into it - but Hardy
gets right back to the hold with a reversal. Guerrero reaching for
anything - back elbow connects, another, off the ropes, knockdown, up and
over, Mexican armdrag by Hardy (!), tilt-a-whirl slam. Waiting for him to
get up - right, right, into the ropes, and a gutbuster on the way down.
Hardy calls to the crowd, who wakes up. Twist of Fate attempt is countered
with a lightning-quick backslide for 2. Guerrero puts him in the ropes
after a gutshot, European uppercut, into the ropes is reversed, Eddie up on
the shoulder, huracanrana! 1, 2, Guerrero gets the legs on the shoulders
and turns it - 1, 2, Eddie slips through and sits back on Hardy - 1, Hardy
pushes out and turns it again - 1, 2, Eddie rolls it over - 1, 2, Hardy
rotates with a body scissors, 1, 2, kickout! Both men up - Eddie slips the
clothesline and hits a neckbreaker. Day-yum! Guerrero outside and he's
going to the top. Matt over with a right, right, right, HE is climbing up
- both men on the top rope - SUPERPLEX by Hardy! Both men down - referee
"Blind" Jack Doan puts on the count - up to 4...Hardy puts an arm on him -
1, 2, NO! Just at the last moment. Guerrero pulled up - waistlock, into a
Northern Lights suplex. "That's it!" Guerrero climbs to the top - but ends
up diving right over him! He tries to tumble through and turn around - but
Hardy flips him up and he lands facefirst on the buckle. Hardy chages but
meets a back elbow. Guerrero with a huracanrana and a DEEP cover with the
leg hooked - 1, 2, 3! Awesome awesome awesome awesome awesome AWESOME
match. (4:10) Compare this to, say, Jericho vs. Test, for instance. You
really see the difference when you have two guys that can go in there.
Trish Stratus bitches about the stinkface she got on Monday - geez, she
didn't seem too annoyed when she was out with Test earlier...anyway, she
dumps some water on Val Venis, who stops his pushups and tells her that
he'll take care of Rikishi, as long as she takes care of HER end of the
bargain - and if you're not paying attention, that end being that she helps
Venis get some gold around his waist.
And now, the WWF Rewind! Brought to you by tobacco - it's whacko! From
RAW, Trish Stratus slaps Rikishi - then gets all up in there
BALD VENIS (with Trish Stratus - the fitness model) v. RIKISHI - Why
exactly did Venis need new music? Did anybody notice that Venis' name
graphic doesn't come up even though we hear the sound effect? Just me?
Yeah, thought so. Anyway, Venis gets the early jump on the big man and
even knocks him off his feet with a clothesline - twice! 2 count only,
though. Into the opposite corner is reveresed, big Samoan Drop, right hand
knocks him down, again, into the corner, running clothesline from Rikishi -
into the opposite corner, get that OUT of my line of sight - fat ass
splash. Venis drops down - Rikishi AND the entire crowd perk right up at
that sound, because it means it muts be time for...well, Stratus is in the
ring and ready to try...well, what IS she trying? Ahh, the old *salt in
the eyes* - a CLASSIC. Somehow, referee "Blind" Teddy Long catches this
and calls for the bell (DQ 1:24) Venis charges and knocks him down AGAIN.
Big right hand, right, right, Rikishi falls through the ropes to the floor
- Venis follows and continues to lay on the rights - head to the STEEL
steps. Venis moving the steps - RAMMING him with the top half! A couple
more rights - Rikishi's busted wide open - WOW! Venis dumps *Long* into
the front row! Right, back into the ring, right, right, opening up the
forehead even more, right, duck, right, right, a few more referees are out
but Venis is still on him - now he's outside to grab the ring bell - side
of the bell to the head (complete with *ding* sound effect) - ANOTHER one!
Venis puts a foot on his chest and raises his arms. I think we can FINALLY
seal the deal on the heel turn. You feel? How about a meal? Before Zod
you will kneel! I stole this bit from some schlemiel. Following the
replay of the stairs shot, we see that Rikishi is still on his feet and
asking Val to bring it on - Venis with a weird glaze in his eyes - and
they're back at it! Rikishi knocking down VENIS this time - Venis crawling
up the ramp as Rikishi slowly staggers after him. Venis knocked down again
- now repeatedly bashed into the floor of the stage. Turning to Stratus,
Rikishi puts her in a choke - Venis saves her, but Rikishi puts him down
again. LEGDROP! Stratus apparently crawled uder the OvalTron to escape.
Venis teeters - totters - looks like he needs a superkick - and he falls
off the stage! Rikishi checks what he's done...oh no - he's not - yes he
is! SUPERFLY SPLASH!!!!!!! Play his music!!
Don't be a bonehead, don't be a clown, don't try this at home. Unless you
want to tape it.
Don't forget - Stone Cold Steve Austin on Dilbert - Tuesday at 8:30/7:30!
Trash Talking Stage ad - hmm, I must have missed one earlier, right? They
NEVER play these only once...
During the Break, Venis got the stretcher treatment - and if you're
wondering why, you didn't see this replay the first time it happened.
Your commentators are a pair of kings - MICHAEL KING COLE & JERRY LAWLER.
Did Venis deserve what he got? Discuss. Turning to the KOR qualifying, we
take a look at Monday's matches - Chris Benoit took down Road Dogg, while
Hardcore Holly advanced over Faarooq. Earlier tonight, Chris Jericho
overcame a platform heel to the face to best Test, and Eddie Guerrero got
the duke over Matt Hardy. Bet on a Guerrero/Chyna matchup sometime in the
brackets. The qualifying continues Sunday on Heat! Perry Saturn meets
D-Von Dudley, and Buh-Buh Ray Dudley will take on Big Boss Man!
Kevin Kelly catches up with Chris Benoit as he is WALKING! Benoit offers
his hand - but Kelly's a chicken and won't shake it. "Why did I do what I
did? Since when do I need to explain myself? I did what I did...because I
wanted to."
Meanwhile, Undertaker is WALKING!
Meanwhile, Kane is WALKING!
Meanwhile, Rock is WALKING!
You know, I'm sensing a DEARTH of creativity here.
"The Rock: The People's Champ" video/DVD ad. Hey, does he speak Spanish on
the DVD? That'd be funny
One more notice about more ads
And now, the WWF Slam of the Week - brought to you by the New Midas! (Now
with ALL NEW ways to rip you off!) From RAW, Triple H takes a chair to the
Undertaker - to Kane - and (after he gets the pin on Kane off a Rock
Bottom) to Rock
D-GENERATION X (with Tori, Stephanie Ono, Big Skippy, Patterson & Brisco)
v. KANE and THE GHOST RIDER (presented by Kid Rock's CD cover) and LA ROCA
- As Lawler makes special note of the separate entrances, we start after
the first, as DX attacks Kane one at a time so Kane can knock them all
down. As a tripleteam begins to develop, Undertaker's entrance starts and
he walks out, giving lip the whole way down. I don't know, he doesn't look
any MORE fat than he was LAST year...here comes the Rock, who promptly
knocks down Triple H, unleashes a series of rights, kisses a right, then
goes outside to put H into the STEEL steps. Undertaker is content to watch
this from the ring, while the rest of the Faction stays out of the way.
Kane puts Dogg in the ring while Undertaker gives a back elbow to X-Pac.
Undertaker with a soupbone for Dogg to chew on. Head to the buckle. Back
elbow. Undertaker says "shut up!" just as I start to think it - eerie.
Into the opposite corner, boot up from Dogg - Undertaker retaliates with a
boot of his own. Undertaker puts him in the corner hard, right, left,
right, left, right, elbow, rather rough tag to Kane. Uppercut for Dogg.
Right hand. I would categorize these blows as "deliberate." Into the
ropes, Dogg ducks, but gets in a choke - here comes X-Pac, choke for HIM.
H figures "no more hands, I might as well come in" but eats a boot. X-Pac
manages to kick the abs and break it up - D & X work a double suplex - nope
- KANE with a double suplex to counter! Big press of X-Pac - and big ol'
slam. Rock tags himself in and spinebusters Dogg, spinebuster for X-pac,
right for H on the apron, gutshot for Dogg, DDT, 1, 2, no. Right, into the
ropes is reversed, and Rock goes outside when Triple H lowers the bridge.
Triple H and X-Pac doubleteaming on the outside as Road Dogg distracts
referee "Blind" Earl Hebner in the ring. Rock meets the STEEL steps. Chop
from X-Pac, thrown back in - Dogg covers for BARELY 2. "Rock E!" Dogg
goes to the rear chinlock - that doesn't last. Right, right, off the ropes
but Triple H puts a bit fist in the back of the head. Tag to Triple H.
Right, right, stomp, stomp, stomp, stomp, stomp, stomp, threatening move
towards Hebner. Back to the Rock, but the right hand is blocked, Rock with
a right, H fires back, Rock, H, Rock, H, Rock, Rock, Rock, Rock, into the
ropes, H manages a facebuster - and a clothesline - for 2. Tag to X-Pac.
Open kick. Kick, right, right, kick, arm wringer, Rock punches back, right,
right, right, into the ropes is reversed, spinning heel kick by X-Pac - 1,
2, no. Tag to Road Dogg - breakdancin' open kick. Right hand, right,
right, into the ropes, Rock ducks, but Dogg is ready to jab - left, left,
left, juke, jive, block, Rock right, right, right, into the ropes, Dogg
holds on, Rock pulls him back, belly-to-belly suplex! Now both men are
down - crowd chants "Rock E!" and both men crawl to their corner - tag to
Triple H - tag to Undertaker! Down you go, down you go agin, into the
ropes, big boot, D & X both in, and both down. It's all breaking down now.
Kane takes Dogg outside and follows. Undertaker with a fifteen storey back
body drop for X-Pac. Scoops him up - ready to deliver the tombstone but
Triple H is over with a gutshot. Pedigree setup, but Undertaker backdrops
out of that.. X-Pac in a choke - chokeslam! Rock taking Triple H out in
the meantime - Undertaker covers X-Pac - 1, 2, 3! (8:44) Kane gives Dogg
one more shot into the STEEL steps on the outside. Undertaker giving a
look to Rock - Rock and Kane on the ramp while, in the ring, Triple H comes
to and attacks Undertaker from behind. Rock and Kane come BACK to get them
some more - Katie, bar the door, would you? Shane decides it's time to get
involved, and brings in a chair - Rock takes Shane out with one punch -
naturally, he drops the chair so Rock can pick it up. And, as you might
start to expect - Shane ducks Rock's chairshot and it ends up hitting an
unintended target - *Kane*. Triple H puts Rock down with a forearm to the
back, Undertaker knocks H out of the ring...Rock turns around to see who
knocked him down and only sees the Undertaker in the ring - so he waffles
HIM with the chair. The Rock's music plays as the Faction scatters up the
ramp. Stephanie smiles when she shouldn't. Rock chases after them with
the chair - but turns back at the top...to see Kane and Undertaker staring
him down.
Christopher Robin Zimmerman
www.CRZ.net