by Christopher Robin Zimmerman
WrestleLine/WrestleManiacs
Hey, I forgot lots of stuff Tuesday night - I blame extreme sleep
deprivation (I STILL haven't *really* caught up). Fortunately, I get a
second chance to fill in the blanks as the show *proper* airs - RIGHT NOW
But first...
I GET LETTERS: Several local yokels wrote in to provide assistance with my
rough outline of events Tuesday.
Ajdloc was first: wassup chris. just a little 411 to fill you in on the dark matches last
night. the first was between a guy named Steele ( with a bad Luna look alike)
and some other "steroid infested" up and commer. Steele lost to a finisher
that resembled a tilt a whirl slam and a power slam, the look was effective.
the second dark match was the MSP and the Dupps. the Dupps took the fall and
werent impressive at all. I really expected a lot more. overall, you didn't
miss much. stay up homie. peace.
AJ Martinez corrects and expands: 1. It was "Thug life born... yadda blah" in Taz(z)'s promo. Good one I
may say.
2. The blow up dolls got more crowd heat than snow and dean combined...
damn shame.
3. The Rock is too over.
4. My friend was shot and he had tickets... go to hell. (j/k)
5. Edge can't talk about "My Golden State Warriors" like that! My
friend and I were betting that either Edge and Christian or Angle would
incorporate "My Golden State Warriors" or the Raiders pick up of
Janikowski (sp?) into one of their spots. I lost, those bastards Edge
and Christian!
6. Steph, from where I was sitting (which was across from the smackdown-
tron lower seats), looked hot in that outfit. Another bet we got going
is whether or not steph got new knockas. Oh yeah, BTW, it was us two
(ugh) who got (ugh two) the "Stephanie swallows" chant going. Sorry
Vince.
7. Don't call me pookie... k?
8. I guessed you missed the fifth time they played the Rocky punking,
huh?
I'll wrap this up. What you did miss was a match between some guy named
"Prototype" against the APW champ Damien Steele. Steele lost and my
buddy couldn't figure out why. I guessed it was because of the bumps.
Steele bumps great. You also missed the Dupps who lost to the Mean
Street Posse. Pete Gas sat this one out which promptly resulted in fans
rushing the box office asking for refunds.
Thanks, AJM
ps - 9. I've received Oakland Arena/Coliseum Security's brand of
justice, and trust me, it ain't worth the comp.
Hey, those guys DESERVED it.
As for Tazz, "thug life" makes a hell of a lot more sense than whatever I reported, so you get the snaps.
Finally, Scooned brings it one more time: one was a try out and the other was the developmentals "The Dupps"
Damian Steele w/ The Sadist Vs. Prototype
Must be a try out match, as none of us have heard of these guys at all!
Damian seemed to work the crowd well, they boo'd him pretty good. The girls
behind us started a "G.I. Joe" chant for the Prototype, typical "try-out"
stuff, with all types of wrestling holds and moves. A "grecko roman thumb to
the eye" from Damian for the upper hand. More wrestling then a spot. With
"The Sadist" (who looked to be trying really hard to be dressed like Luna)
took of her boot and tried to hit prototype in the head but missed and then
prototype kissed her as the crowed erupted in laughter. Damian charged
Prototype who moved out the way for the "Manager bump" and prototype scooped
up Damian for something like a "spinning side slam" is the best way to
describe it. For the win. Damian picks up "The Sadist" and carried her out
in his arms...aawww, how touching.
Mean Street Posse, Joey Abs and Rodney Vs. The Dupps
I had been wanting to see the Dupps because there always talked about in the
dark match highlights that people send in. And as everyone has said, thes
guys have a future, i wonder when they will get to be on Heat? Anyways, Pier
six to start. The Dupps do look good. Powerbomb on Rodney by one of the
Dupps. More havoc ensues. as Joey gets a bear hug and Rodney climbs to the
top and they do a Double Team Blockbuster. Good move, great match.
Tony Chimel is out to announce that there startung the Heat tapings and
announces Michael Cole and Dubba "K"
Thats pretty much it, include of you'd like or not! WHATEVER!
Talk to you later
You know I do - thanks for the info!
So Scott Vick wasn't there? Hey, he couldn't have been this "Prototype" guy, could he? Nah, probably not.
By the way, I haven't seen anybody else mention that the "Just Joe" guy on Heat was Joe E. Legend. Did I just imagine that or am I on top of things for once?
If ya smelllllllll the same UPN Thursday teaser they play EVERY week
One World Leader TV-PG-DLV Attitude WWF
Close caption logo - Opening Credits
I GET LETTERS: Tom from Mass. sent this note:
with nothing better to do I sat and listened to the intro smackdown song for
an hour. after careful analysis I figure the wording goes something like:
"ahhhhhhh
take the ball and pass it round
take your balls and move 'em round
take it all just move around....
umph!"
and the music continues in much the same manner. some credit can also be
giving the the playstation game as I insetently listen to the track for no
apparent reason. it took my roomate three days to remind me I could just
hit the start key. oh well, much can be said for having too much time on
your hands.
PYRO AWAY! They must have adjusted the OvalCam three or four times early
in the night, in case you cared. You did not. En espanol donde sea
disponible! There are over 17K in the legit-sellout filled Oakland Arena
in Oakland, CA - home of the Golden State Warriors (Slogan: "We don't
suck...much") and a stone's throw away from the Colesium. It's 13.7.2K
(taped 11.7) and even though Commissioner Foley is off in southeast Asia on
a promotional tour, he's still booked several matches for tonight...why,
look! Here's one now!
TOO COOL & RIKASHMONEY v. V & T & A (with Trish Stratus - the fitness
model) - Pier Sixer breaks out until the faces clear the ring. Referee
"Blind" Teddy Long is quick to bring some semblance of order to the
proceedings, clearing out all but Grand Master Sexay - Venis, from the
outside, trips him up to gain the advantage. Head to the buckle, five or
six rights, tag to Test - open shot, right, the lid's down! Right, right,
right, right, into the opposite corner, foot up by Sexay, Test runs at him
again and nobody's home on the buckle - wiggle, wiggle, dropkick by Sexay.
Tag to Hotty - they put him down and make a wish. Right by Hotty, into the
opposite corner is reversed, Hotty up and on his shoulder, squirming free,
right, right, into the ropes is reversed, Hotty slides under, punch,
dropkick, off the ropes, ducked, crossbody hits - Hotty gets 2. Right,
into the ropes, Test holds on - full nelson into a slam. Test mounts him
and punches away. Time to bring in Albert. Both men put Hotty into the
corner, do si do avalanche by Albert, big boot by Test, Albert hooks a leg
but Sexay breaks it up. Uppercut, kick, right, kick, right, Long tells him
to get out of the corner. Albert tries again, but Hotty slips it and they
trade places. Peppering him with rights, but he STILL can't pull him out
of the corner. Albert reverses the next whip attempt - press - and drop.
Shot for Rikishi will bring him in, allowing Long to be distracted while
the bad dudes work a doubleteam behind his back. Venis stays in without a
tag and stomps away. Crowd chants for Rikishi on the apron as Hotty tries
to come back - but eats a back elbow, elbowdrop, kneedrop off the ropes,
and 2. Tag to Albert - into the ropes, double back elbow. Albert
manhandling him with punches and now field goal kicks. Nice standing
Rocker dropper by Albert. Tag to Test. Right hand as Albert holds him.
The "American Males" clap starts up as Albert's tagged in again. Hotty put
in the corner - but he sidesteps the charge! But Albert quickly comes back
with a clothesline. Second rope legdrop - MISSES! Will we get that hot
tag? Tag to Venis - hot tag to Rikishi! Right! Right! Double
clothesline for T&A - superkick for Venis - Albert tries a Sunset flip -
Rikishi sits on him. Samoan drop for Test. Venis hits a clothesline to
stop this nonsense - but Hotty comes in and hits the bulldog. Looks like
the face - and there's the worm. Venis rolls to a corner - oops, that's
not a good idear with Rikishi in there. Here's a fat ass splash. Stratus
up on the ropes - and the Funky 3 are looking her way...but from behind,
LITA appears and takes her down. Two fistfuls of hair as the HARDY BOYZ
bark some orders nearby. T & A make a save and they all walk off - leaving
Venis to take a Banzai drop and suffer the pinfall. (6:57) Psst - Rikishi
and Venis were the legal men. Who needs Johnny Ace? Replay of Lita's
interference foiling, and the Banzai Drop. Fortunately for the viewing
audience, Too Cool have brought three extra pairs of shades with them,
because NOW IS THE TIME ON SPROCKETS WHEN WE DANCE! Lita dances on her
knees like Hall & Oates told her to. The Hardyz remind us that they
actually ARE white after all.
Holy cats! Triple H and Stephanie are WALKING!
www.auctions.wwf.com promo
Commentators hype "7 Days" - only on UPN
THE NEW MAN & STEPHANIE ONO are out to celebrate Mick Foley's absence with
a long-ass promo. H carries the sledgehammer he used on Monday, while
Stephanie carries a title belt of some sort. Stephanie is dressed as her
favourite porn star. H gives the STEEL steps a few whacks, as if to let us
know that the sledgehammer is really, really hard. I hate having to guess,
don't you? Let's listen in: "You know, Steph, it's no secret that Mick
Foley and I have never really gotten along, I mean, we've never seen eye to
eye on things. So it's no surprise that even ten thousand miles away, Mick
Foley is still trying to screw me. His latest screwjob: tonight, Mick
Foley has taken it upon himself to book me in a no disqualification match
against none other than the American Bad(mute) the Undertaker. But ya
know, I've always been one step ahead of Mick Foley - his whole career! It
didn't really matter if he was Mankind, it didn't matter if he was Dude
Love, it didn't matter if he was Cactus Jack - I always came out on top.
And even after I'd beaten him up and retired him, he's still trying to
screw me over. And the funny thing is... ["slut!"] ...like their opinion
matters. But the funny thing about Foley is now that he's the
commissioner, I'm still smarter than he is, I'm still one step ahead, and
last Monday night on RAW was just more proof of that. I knew Foley would
want to protect that little runt, Chris Jericho, because of all people,
Mick Foley knows what I can do when I'm mad - and for Chris Jericho callin'
you what he's called you, Mick Foley knows how damn mad I am. So he did
the sensible thing and he tried to keep me away from Chris Jericho, but
Jericho was getting what was coming to him - I made sure of that. That's
why I got so upset at Mick Foley's little stipulations. That's why I
pretended to be so mad at Road Dogg. That's why we came up with the grand
scheme to send you, my darling, to the ring to call out that little runt
Jericho, and when that failed - as planned - that's why we threw down that
last great big piece of cheese to draw us one rat. I'd like to show the
world a little piece of footage of some supreme acting done by myself and
my best buddy X-Pac." (Let Us Take You Back) "Now that...I've gotta admit
it, Steph, that looks like we were really hot at each other, right?
Everybody was fooled - I know they were all fooled - but that was what sold
it, right there, the match made between me and X-Pac - and I knew Jericho
couldn't resist. So we have our match, and what a match it is, and I'll
tell you what, X-Pac can whip out a hell of an (mute)kicking, but it was
worth it - why don't you roll that next little piece of footage, and let's
see what happens. Here comes the rat to get his cheese...but just when he
thinks he's in the clear, oh no, what's that? It's the cat...come back to
claim the rat. More like the Dogg. And here comes Chris Jericho getting
what Chris Jericho deserves. Now...Jericho, you wanna talk trash? You
wanna talk about my wife? Here's a ten pound sledgehammer for your
problems. Chris Jericho, that was just the beginning. At Fully Loaded, if
you can make it - if somehow, Jericho, you can find the guts to drag
yourself up from wherever you're holed up lickin' your wounds, and make it
to Fully Loaded, I am gonna finish what I started Monday night on RAW.
Chris Jericho, you wanna talk about my beautiful wife? Well you had better
be ready to pay the ultimate price. Now as far as tonight goes, and the
Undertaker...Undertaker, you wanna play this game? Well, pal, I got one
more piece of footage that I want you to take a look at, and I want you to
look at it real good. This is what happens when you screw with me - you
get loaded into an ambulance, and you get carried away. Undertaker, this
is no game - and as of now, I'm no longer playin'."
Backstage, Road Dogg is saying something to Lita...whatever it was, she
responded with "How dare you!" and slaps him. The Hardyz come out - X-Pac
is over - what a coincidence! These two teams will battle - NEXT!
Here's the debut of Too Cool & Rikishi's Crunch'n'Munch ad. I'll be tired
of this in about a week
I hate UPN and their crappy bumpers, too
Anybody else want some? Come on, I'll take ya ALL on! Yeah!
The WWF Burn of the Week is brought to you by Stacker 2! And, for some
reason, it's Lita slapping Dogg from Moments Ago. Just in case you missed
it nodding off to Triple H's monologue, I guess....
D & X (with "the Kings") v. HARDY BOYZ (with Lita) - hey, you know if Russo
were writing, Tori would return at Fully Loaded, only to turn on X-Pac for
no apparent reason. I don't know why I brought that up. I never gave mad
props to the "Modesto 3:16" sign so I'll do that while Dogg delivers a
warning to the Hardy Boyz: "Keep your dog on a leash." Stick around,
Rock's in the building. Matt and Dogg start. Dogg over to have a word
with his partner. Matt decides HE'LL go have a word with HIS partner -
only, HE turns his back - oops. Dogg punks him out. Kicking away now.
Tonight, the tag team matchup FINALLY happens. Quick 1 count for Dogg.
Hardy punches back, kick, Twist of Fate attempt is too early - Dogg shoves
him into the corner and punches away. Whip into the opposite corner -
boots up by Hardy - to the top - nice moonsault for 2. Tag to Jeff - into
the ropes, double back elbow, senton/fistdrop combo, 2 count. Hardy puts
him in the corner, whip into the opposite corner is reversed, Hardy up and
over, dropkick to the back - climbing to the top but missing a twisting
moonsault. Tonight: Benoit against Eddie AND Chyna! Tag to X-Pac, who's
all about the stomping. Arm wringer is fought off - into the corner, Jeff
climbs the ladder (no hands, ma!) but misses yet again. X-Pac feels
sympathy for Hardy, and sells a head scissors that had no right to work.
Dogg comes in, right hand by Jeff, tag to Matt, double leg takdown for
X-Pac - tandem legdrops. Right, right, into the ropes is reversed, knee in
the back by Dogg, heel kick by X-Pac. Tag to Dogg - open kick. Tonight,
Kurt Angle takes on Kane! Choking Matt on the second rope. Threatening
Jeff, bringing him in long enough to distract referee "Blind" Mike Chioda.
Dogg with a front face following the doubleteam - Hardy working the body to
break the hold - off the ropes, Dogg ducks the clothesline, left, left,
left, juke, jive, right, off the ropes, wiggle wobbly woofly kneedrop gets
2. Head to the buckle, tag, X-Pac with six or seven stomps - into the
gallop - broncobuster hits. Wow, the funky knee AND the broncobuster in
the same night. Maybe they'll do the job after having all these
concessions given them - yeah right. Into the corner - X-Pac whipped in
but Hardy steps out and X-Pac crotches himself. Hardy runs at Dogg and
takes him down with a clothesline. Three men down, Jeff leading some claps
and begging for a tag - here IS that tag - double clothesline ducked, split
dropkick takes out both men, punch for Dogg, all fours boost for the side
kick on X-Pac - one for Road Dogg as well. Matt with the Twist of Fate on
X-Pac! Swantonbomb by Jeff! 1, 2, ...Dogg pulls him off and to the
outside. I hate these guys. Hardyz working over Road Dogg on the outside,
while from the entryway, V & T & A & T & SOME OTHER LETTERS are out to
surprise Lita. Matt Hardy gets handled by her trio as Stratus demonstrates
the front facelock. Looking back IN the ring - Jeff is shoved off the top
rope by Dogg into an X Factor by X-Pac - cover - 1, 2, 3. (6:03) Here's a
replay of the attack on Lita - and Dogg shoving Hardy into the X Factor.
More ads - after this! UPN!
Say, who's that in the front row mugging for the camera? Why, it's CHARLES
WOODSON & TYRONE WHEATLEY, two Oakland Raiders! I hear that they're still
in the NFL!
Here's A Special Video Look at Chris Benoit - narrated by snippets of Shane
McMahon and Chris Benoit's recent speeches. And here's the Rock. And
here's highlights of their match Monday.
SMILIN' DEAN MALENKO (with four - err, two ladies) v. AL SNOW (with two
inflatable ladies) - Snow has placed the ladies' hands directly on his ass
- I didn't notice that watching it live. Snow fights off the first
waistlock attempt, but not the second one - back and forth we go with the
mat stuff - off the ropes, leapfrog by Snow, cartwheel by Malenko, back to
the ground. Waistlock, into a takedown, Malenko floating over, back up,
kick to the gut, whip is countered as Snow slides, but Malenko hits a nice
side kick to take him down. Snow comes back with punches. Side headlock -
shoved into the ropes, shoulderblock by Snow, off the ropes, up and over,
leapfrog by Malenko, they each try a punch and end up hooking each other's
arms for no dice, gutshot, off the ropes, dueling hiptosses go nowhere,
Snow laces the arm and hits a side Russian legsweep. Stomp, kick, Snow
puts him in the ropes again, clothesline, 1, 2, no. All this wrestling is
boring the crowd. Scoop - and a slam. Off the ropes with an elbowdrop.
Snow still on him - clubbing blow. Now in the corner, kick, kick, kick,
right, right, right, into the opposite corner HARD - Snow outside to kiss a
blowup doll on the lips. Back in - Malenko backdrops out of a powerbomb
attempt - trying for the cloverleaf, but Snow makes it to the bottom rope.
Malenko kicks, kick, Snow turns it around, knee to the head - powerbombing
him down. *Snow* going for the cloverleaf - but Malenko grabs the hair and
punches him in the head until it's broken. Kicking at the knees - into the
ropes is reversed, head down, Malenko kicks him, clotheslines him, and the
sirens go off and herald the arrival of STEVEN RICHARDS, who confiscates
the blowup dolls - *and* the real women at ringside! In the ring, Snow
gets 2. Snow notices what's going on - Malenko up from behind, Northern
Lights - 2. Snow puts him to the mat, Malenko sweeps the leg. Both men up
- both men punching. Into the corner, Malenko up and over, dropkicking the
back of the head, whip is reversed, reversed, both men butt heads and are
down. Referee "Blind" Jack Down gets to three before Malenko is up and on
the top turnbuckle - but Snow is up as well - right, right, top rope
SUPERPLEX! But Malenko manages to hook the legs after the landing and
shift his body weight into a pinning predicament - 1, 2, 3! (4:59)
Richards is back out. "Cut the music! Indecent women...inflatable or
not...are still indecent women! And that, ladies and gentlemen is totally
unacceptable! Whether you like it or not, I will continue to censor
material that is inappropriate, because ladies and gentlemen, it is for
your own good!"
Hey look! Chyna and Eddie are WALKING!
Meanwhile, Chris Benoit is WALKING!
Meanwhile, watching Chris Benoit walk on a monitor is the Rock!
UPN - UPN - UPN
CHRIS BENOIT (with the TV-PG-DLV ratings box) v. EDDIE GUERRERO & THAT SLUT
CHYNA in a handicap match - Tonight, SmackDown! is brought to you by
Lorillard's Whacko Tobacco, Western Union Money Transfer, and Nike! Let Us
Take You Back One Week where Benoit put Chyan in the Crippler crossface.
Well, I didn't just imagine it - there WAS no opening bell. Let's go past
this staredown and start it from when referee "Blind" Earl Hebner makes the
"ring the bell" motion...after Benoit's already gotten the advantage on
Guerrero with an attack from behind. Into the ropes, forearm takes him
down. Belly-to-back suplex. Big elbow, elbow, into the ropes, Guerrero
with a flying headscissors to come back. Boot to the face, European
forearm, stomp, stomp, backdrop suplex, outside to come back in with the
trademark headbutt, and throwing Benoit out to Chyna - then distracting
Hebner. Chyna hits a drop toehold into the STEEL steps - forearm - then
dropping him face-first on the steps! Kick to the kidney - and rolling him
back in - Guerrero covers - but only gets 2. Crowd chants "Mamacita."
European uppercut by the European champ. Into the ropes - Benoit puts him
up and lets him drop. BIG powerbomb. Benoit with a snap suplex - he looks
AWESOME live, by the way. 2 count. Elbow, into the ropes, backdrop, glare
for Chyna, Guerrero with a gutshot, Benoit with a right, kick, hard Irish
whip into the corner, chop, chop, head to the buckle, another chop. Into
the opposite corner, but Eddie gets up an elbow. Tornado DDT! Right,
right, chop by Guerrero, backhand chop, chop, into the ropes is reversed -
tilt-a-whirl backbreaker by Benoit. That's it! No it isn't - Guerrero
meets him up top and hits the superplex! Both men are down - and here
comes BIG SKIPPY. Just as Eddie reaches his corner, Shane tries to get
into the ring - bringing over Hebner, who completely misses the tag.
Chyna, who gets in one blow, manages to land flush on Benoit's right eye
with her elbow - geez. Benoit immediately starts bleeding as Hebner puts
Chyna back into her corner. Well, I suppose it's POSSIBLE he bladed off
the elbow - but why would he do THAT? Anyway, as the crowd chants "Shane's
a pussy," Shane makes his way over to Chyna and sweeps her leg, causing her
to fall to the apron - then the floor. Guerrero manages a dropkick through
the ropes onto Shane, who hits the commentary table. Guerrero back in -
block, right, right, clothesline ducked, Benoit takes him down and locks it
on - Crippler crossface. Guerreo grabs the bottom rope - Benoit won't let
go. 1, 2, 3, 4, 5. Holy cats, that's a disqualification. (DQ 5:32)
Benoit CONTINUES to keep it clamped on - Chyna over to do something about
it - but getting the European title right in the back by Shane. As the
winners are announced, Benoit lets go of the hold and faces Hebner. As he
starts to give him what for, Benoit decides to put *him* in the crossface!
WOW! This goes on for a while until LA ROCA comes out and spits into his
hand before striking Shane. Turning to Benoit - there's a right, stomp,
stomp, Benoit escapes. EDGE & CHRISTIAN are out for no apparent reason -
spinebuster for Edge, Rock Bottom for Christian. Rock Bottom for Edge, as
well. Play his music!
Crunch 'n Munch ad again
Get ready for some Maximum Power - thanks to RC Edge Maximum Power cola -
hey, *another* Moments Ago! What a waste of these sponsor shots!
Here's an exterior of the hideously ugly Oakland Arena.
KEVIN "NAILZ" KELLY stands with the Rock, who quickly shoves him away and
tells Chris Benoit that he's not a great technical wrestler, he's not a
rabid Wolverine, he's "the biggest chicken(beep) the Rock has ever seen!
That's why, Chris Benoit, in ten days at Fully Loaded, despite the fact you
didn't get the job done Monday night, the Rock is still putting his WWF
title on the line, not because you've earned it, not because you deserve
it, but quite frankly, Chris Benoit, because you've made it....personal.
That's why at Fully Loaded, Chris Benoit, the Rock is *personally* gonna
give you the beating of a lifetime. And as a special added bonus, the Rock
is gonna take his boot - no, take both his boots - turn them sum(beep)s
sideways and stick 'em straight up your candy(beep)! If ya smelllll--"
Benoit punks him out from behind! Shane takes the mic and tells Rock he
can't hear him, nor smell what he's cooking...but he does think he knows
what he's thinking. "Rock, I know you can smellllllllllllalalalalowww -
that Chris Benoit (adjusts face with hand) will be the next ... World
Wrestling Federation ... champion." The refs and officials finally appear
to get the hold broken.
WWF SmackDown! will continue on U-P-N!
Moments Ago, Chris Benoit became the coolest wrestler ever. Geez, play
Shane's ENTIRE interview again, why don'cha. Also moments ago, Shane and
Benoit slapped five and took off.
ACOLYTES (with the Whack of the Night) v. EDGE & CHRISTIAN for the tag team
championship - the ring introductions you hear for are actually ring
announcer TONY CHIMEL's overdubbed take two's. Notice the careful camera
angles that don't show you his lips aren't moving along with the
soundtrack. His first take, and the live show, had him introducing Faarooq
only, spoiling the upcoming "surprise." And now, the Whack of the Night,
brought to you by Lorillard's Youth Smoking Prevention Company! From
Monday, Bradshaw took a bell between the eyes to lose to Edge. Christian:
"Now, being the fightinghest tag team champions in World Wrestling
Federation history, we were SO ready to defend our titles here tonight
against the Acolytes." Edge: "Unfortunately, due to the disprofessionality
of the Rock, I have *totally* suffered a back injury...as a result of a
devastating spinebuster and a Rock Bottom. I am in bad shape - I mean, I'm
in Golden State Warriors bad shape!" "So there will be no tag team title
match tonight - there will be no five second pose - but I will defend our
honour in a good, clean, 100% nontitle, singles match!" So instead, we've
got...
CHRISTIAN (with Edge - and Edge's music) v. ACOLYTE FAAROOQ (with Acolyte
Bradshaw) - Christian rushes the ring, ducks a clothesline, escapes a
backdrop attempt, and tries a schoolboy for 1. Into the ropes, Christian
with a crucifix for 2. Dropkick puts Faarooq in the corner - whip into the
opposite corner is reversed - Christian gets a foot up, climbs to the
second rope - Faarooq clotheslines him on the way down, HARD. Christian
thrown outside and Faarooq follows - whip over the STEEL steps - then he
grabs the top half and rams his knee with them - then to the back. Back in
the ring everyone goes. Kick by Faarooq - press - 2. Christian put in the
corner - backbreaker across the knee - 2. Christian to the eyes, right,
right, into the opposite corner is reversed, powerslam-alike by Faarooq for
2. Crowd chants "APA" while Faarooq tries a bearhug. Christian Tomahawk
chops out of it (how ironic!) - off the ropes, gutshot, Edge on the apron -
but then his back hurts and he thinks better of it. But it was long enough
to distract him just a bit - back to the Dominator attempt - Christian
breaks free, gutshot, DDT. Christian grabs referee "Blind" Chad Patton and
motions to Edge, who comes in carrying the ring bell. Bradshaw pulls his
ankles, tripping him up and causing him to drop the bell. The bell makes
two overdubbed "dings," which are not only totally unnecessary, but rather
illogical as well, since we only ever hear the bell when there's a mic next
to it. Anyway, Bradshaw unleashes a right to Edge - Patton is over to
break THESE two up, and behind his back Christian grabs the bell - but
Faarooq ducks the swing and hits a choke spinebuster for the pin. (2:35)
Post-match, Edge's back magically recovers, and he and Christian combine to
give Faarooq a bell shot (with annoying overdub "ding"). Off they go - oh
no, Edge's back hurts again!
Kane is WALKING!
Meanwhile Kurt Angle is as deer in headlights - if it was WALKING!
XFL hype piece - Los Angeles - Las Vegas - Basil DeVito - Vince McMahon - oy
KANE v. KING KURT ANGLE - Backstage, Angle frets and fumes - Stephanie
happens by, wanting to wish him luck. They exchange opinions on Foley's
unfairness. Angle asks for a hug - then take one. Stephanie seems to
enjoy it...until Triple H appears from behind. "I gotta go - I have a
match." Triple H asks what the hell that was about. Stephanie: "He - Kurt
FORCED himself on me! I was just walking by, and he grabbed me.. he FORCED
himself on me!" Angle's entrance video now starts with a "KING KURT" -
Angle walks out trying to keep an eye over his shoulder for Triple H - then
gets scared by his own fireworks! Angle hits the ring, ducks a
clothesline, but not the next right, right, head to the buckle, knee, knee,
knee, back elbow, into the opposite corner, Angle puts up an elbow, a boot,
but falls to a clothesline. Angle with a right, Kane with a right, half
hour suplex (anybody seen the Bulldog lately?), elbowdrop, elbowdrop, off
the ropes with a big elbowdrop - cover - 2. Angle tries to beg off. Angle
trying to ...negotiate with Kane? Kane cocks his head...then delivers an
uppercut. Right, right, right, right, into the ropes, Angle ducks and
grabs a waistlock - but Kane won't leave his feet. Angle delivers several
shots to the back of the neck - but again, he won't leave his feet. Kane
with two back elbows, big military press - five reps! - and he drops him to
the mat. Kane to the outside - flying clothesline off the top coming up.
Kane motioning for the chokeslam - Kane stumbling into it - but kicking
free. Off the ropes, ducks the big boot, chop block. Kane still on his
feet. Kane back to the left leg - Kane pounds him down. Angle holds on -
Kane with another clubbing blow - and a big clothesline. Uppercut. Choke.
Referee "Blind" Tim White pulls him off. Scoop - up on the shoulder -
Angle frees himself and shoves Kane into the ropes - tries to beg off again
but manages a drop toehold as Kane advances. Dropkick to the knee by
Angle. Angle continues to kick at the knee. Now stomping on the back of
the knee. Angle to the outside - wrapping the knee around the ringpost.
Kane shoves Angle to the barricade on his second try. THE NEW MAN is out
and he's got Angle - hard into the STEEL steps. Put back in the ring -
don't ask *me* how White missed all that, I dunno. There's a chokeslam -
g'night. 1, 2, 3. (4:47)
wwf.com - now the SLOWEST website on the 'Net
I forgot what network I was watching - oh, wait, it's UPN!
Moments Ago, Triple H introduced Kurt Angle to the STEEL steps, leading to
this Kane chokeslam
WWF HARDCORE CHAMPIONSHIP: CRASH v. STEVE BLACKMAN (with Riggs & Murtaugh)
- Fully Loaded is in ten days, Sunday 23 July from the sold-out Reunion
Arena in Dallas, Tejas! Did Twix pull out and I missed it? No bag of
weapons for Blackman tonight - guess he won't need 'em against Crash.
Crash goes outside and emerges with a strap. Crash ducks a kick and straps
Blackman - strap. Blackman with an armdrag, next time he tries, and a
heart punch. Putting the strap around Crash's neck, Blackman whips him
corner-to-corner, then pulls him down by the neck. Blackman outside the
ring, and emerging with a garbage can lid. Into the ropes, lid shot, lid
shot. 1, 2, no. At this point, I yelled "that's a slow count!" but you
don't hear it. Blackman daring him to get up - stomp. Crash manages to
drop Blackman's neck across the top rope. Crash outside - can't remove the
strap from his neck, but does find a broomstick. Blackman goes outside and
finds a kendostick. Now he wants him to try him - Blackman actually
SMILING here! Crash manages to remove the strap. Blackman parries a stick
shot and canes him in the back of the shine. Check out referee "Blind" Jim
Korderas recoiling in horror. Wanna try again? Blackman parries ANOTHER
shot and goes to the back of the leg. Blackman swiging impressively -
series of four shots front and back. Crash goes outside - too much
punishment. He's *hiding* under the ring now. Blackman out to get him -
probably not a good idea. Sure enough, he's met with the fire extinguisher
spray. Crash finds the strap and now *Blackman's* wearing the krawatte.
Crash whips him from one barricade to the next. Trashcan lid! Trashcan
lid! Crash puts Blackman's head to the STEEL steps. Crash climbs the
steps - but ends up on the wrong end of a powerslam ON THE FLOOR. Blackman
removes the strap, picks up Crash by the waist, and swings his head into
the steps - yowch! Steve Blackman is the *Hardcore Innovator*. Crash put
back in the ring. DDT on a chair. Blackman's bag of weapons was under the
ring this whole time? Ahhh. Crash grabs the chair as Blackman enters the
ring with some nunchuks. Ducking the chair swing, and getting him right in
the back. And RIGHT TO THE HEAD. Blackman brings a garbage can into the
ring. Atomic drop for Crash - have a seat, Crash! LETHAL KICK to a seated
Crash, who falls backwards onto a garbage can. That's all. 1, 2, 3.
BLACKMAN HAS A BELT! (4:44)
Earlier Tonight, Rock had a short night's work
Kevin Kelly tells us that Benoit and Shane crossed a line tonight. The
Rock has a fire in his eyes that he's never seen before! I guess this
means we should watch RAW or something. I dunno.
Triple H and Stephanie are WALKING!
Meanwhile, Undertaker is...um...er...SITTING ON HIS RIDE!
UPN! UPN!
And here's a random shot of WWF New York
THE NEW MAN (with Stephanie Ono) v. UNDERTAKER in a No Disqualification
match - watching Triple H's entrance video, it hits me: he NEVER wears
those fruity berets anymore! Don't you miss them, too? Monday, Mick Foley
will be back and he'll have more to say about Fully Loaded. Don't let the
fact that the show is unopposed keep you from thinking they won't be in
full-on shill mode for the pay-per-view, baby! There's nothing so scary as
seeing Undertaker ride his motorcycle around the ring! Triple H fails to
put a stick in his spokes to get the upper hand. He DOES try to rush him,
but fails. Clothesline by Undertaker, right, head to the buckle, right,
pause, tape break, head to the buckle, H falls. Big clothseline when he's
back up, elbowdrop, 1, 2, no. Back elbow, right hand, into the opposite
corner, H puts up an elbow - but runs into a sidewalk slam for 2. Right
hand. Into the ropes, H ducks a clothesline and hits a neckbreaker.
Golly, for a no DQ match, they're sure not doing anything interesting, are
they? Right, right, head to the buckle, kick, kick, kick, right, into the
ropes is reversed, big boot by the Undertaker. Gutshot, powerbomb attempt?
But Triple H escapes and goes outside. Undertaker follows - there's a
clothesline. Right hand - Triple H rolls down the ramp. Back to the
ringside area - head to the (set up on end) STEEL steps. Right hand. Head
to the commentary table. Right hand, choke, Stephanie is over to break it
up with a hairpull - Undertaker turns around and gets HER in a choke.
Triple H spins him around - and eats a punch. Undertaker continues to
stalk Stephanie...but H has a chair - chair to the gut, chair across the
back. H puts 'Taker in the STEEL steps (sitting on end over HERE, too),
then takes his head to the (overdub "ding!") bell. Right, right, referee
"Blind" Tim White pushes him back. H puts Undertaker in the ring and
follows. Right hand, kick, right, right, off the ropes, clothesline.
Undertaker comes back - right, left, right, left, right, uppercut - all
from his knees. Back up - into the ropes is reversed, clothesline ducked,
but not the high knee. Undertaker kicks out with authority after 2. H
back to the right hand, right, kick, right, right, right, right, right,
words for White, right, right. Lawler tells him to hit the ref, since it's
no DQ. Too bad he didn't hear him, I guess. Right hand. Right.
Undertaker fires back with a right. H with a right. Right by Undertaker.
Boy, punches are fun. H, Undertaker, H, Undertaker, H, Undertaker, left,
right, left, right, left, right, Yang-like body work, off the ropes,
powerslam, 1, 2, no. Wow, did I just compare Undertaker to Yun Yang? Give
me an award! H put into the ropes, head down, facebuster by Triple H.
Gutshot - trying to set him up for the Pedigree as we see KING KURT ANGLE
come down to the ring. Undertaker backdrops him. H in a choke...Angle has
the sledgehammer, swinging for Triple H...and hitting Undertaker by
mistake. Angle's just got some bad luck, yo. H covers for the pin (7:29)
and I guess NOW we know why it was "no DQ" - that outside interference is
fine 'n' dandy. Angle expresses shock and surprise in this replay. The
Helmsleys walk back up the ramp, victorious AND triumphant, while
Undertaker is just coming to as the credits are up - and we're out.
Christopher Robin Zimmerman
www.CRZ.net