by Christopher Robin Zimmerman
WrestleLine/WrestleManiacs
I GET LETTERS: When I get lazy, I have to rely on loyal readers to act as
my eeeeeeagle eyes. Two gold stars to these two coming up:
From Eric Denton: CRZ,
Enjoy you recaps.
I don't know if you caught this but Kurt Angle was wearing his wedding ring
during his promo with HHH.
So not only is he trying to steal HHH's "wife" he's cheating on his own.
I'll give Angle the benefit of the doubt because you could tell he was
still loopy from last night. But one of the stage mangers or officials
should have caught that.
And from Draggon410: I am not one to write often but i just had to to
tell ya how disappointed i am in you. Even though i usually see both Nitro
and Raw every wek, i read your column for you sarcasm, and the fact that
you usually pick up on the little things. I am sad to say you missed a
pretty big little thing from the 8-28 edition of raw. If you have a tape
play back the HHH/Eddy match. When they are both out cold and Chyna comes
to check on them you need to keep a close eye on the right hand of
HHH......as it is unzipping the front of Chynas pants!!!!!! I was
lmao....can't believe ya missed it though!!
Hey, wanna have lots of fun at work? Just randomly bust out, as loud and
melodious as you can, "IF YA SMELLLLLLLLLLLL" - do it often, completely at
random, and at the most inopportune times. Listen to your coworkers LAUGH
and LAUGH....get fired, of course, and you never heard this idear from ME.
The reason I bring all this up is that once again, UPN is throwing that
SAME TIRED old promo they open up EVERY UPN Thursday with. But let's not
get worked up during the first ten seconds of a two hour block, shall we?
TV-PG-DLV - One World WWF SmackDown UPN Leader Attitude - WWF!
Highlights of RAW...along with clips and stills from SummerSlam - it's the
Angle and Helmsley story...or is that that Angle, Helmsley, Chyna and
Guerrero story?
Not only is this show close captioned, but it has opening credits
It's PYRO TIME at the ol' Time Tunnel - from the We Ain't Tellin' Arena in
Parts Unknown 31.8.2K (taped 29.8), it's WWF SmackDown!
"My Time" plays and out walks...ho ho, it's STEPHANIE ONO, hopefully come
out to tell us just where the heck she's been recently (and why she didn't
stay there, too). She's still got that one look of hers on her puss,
anyway. If we're REALLY lucky, she'll put her left hand on her hip - OH
MAN! SHE DID IT! "Slut!" "I'd like to start off by letting you know
that my husband Hunter is on his way. He will be here shortly, so there's
no need to wonder about his whereabouts. And I would like to take this
opportunity to thank all of you for your concern about my whereabouts
Monday night on RAW. I really appreciate the sentiment. But what I don't
appreciate are all the dirty, nasty rumours I heard some of you say with
regards to where I was Sunday night after SummerSlam and Monday. You
know, those things you say - they hurt! And not that any of you deserve
an explanation, but just for the record, for the sake of my
reputation...I'll - I'll have you know that I spent the entire night by
the bedside of my injured brother in the hospital! Oh, it's true!
(catching herself from saying it again) And, and by the way, Shane is
mending quite nicely. But! With regards to my marriage, I want you all to
know that Hunter and I once again are - are experiencing wedded bliss.
As a matter of fact--" KING KURT ANGLE makes his entrance at this
juncture. "You know, Steph. I just want you to know how much I admire
you, I mean, I really admire you. Kinda the way that people admire me for
my Olympic Gold Medals - in that way. ["Ass hole!"] I mean, let's face it
- you're a beautiful and delicate woman, and to put on that brave face
like you're don' tonight, after your husband has manhandled you - that
amazes me, it really does." "Kurt - what do you mean, manhandled?"
"Well, Steph, Steph - I know you're a little woozy after your husband
struck you at SummerSlam, so I'd like to show you and all the people here
what I'm talkin' about, would you please show the footage. [SUPER slow
motion] This is your husband - now watch this, he has a LOTTA time to pull
back on this punch, but he chose not to! Instead, he struck his wife -
you, Stephanie - he struck you. That is a man enraged! A man in anger!"
"Kurt, Hunter and I have talked about everything, and - what are you
trying to pull anyway? That footage is in slow motion. You know as well
as I do that Hunter striking me was an accident." "Steph, I wanna believe
that it's an accident - and maybe it was! But let me ask you something -
was this? That is your husband...and an old flame, an old flame mind you,
rekindling that old flame in the locker room, Steph!" The Hug is ALSO in
super slo-mo. "This is what I'm talking about. Okay? That is a disgrace
- that is a married man - YOUR man, YOUR husband." Reaction shot from
Stephanie shows she apparently didn't watch TV on Monday night. "I'm
sorry I'm the one to have to tell you that, Steph. I thought you knew, I
thought your husband talked it over with you, so I just thought I'd tell
you, and I'm sorry." "I - I don't believe it!" "Well, believe it, Steph,
'cause it's true...it's true." Behind door number three, THAT SLUT
CHYNA...*not* with her bazooka, but WITH a mic. "For God's sake,
Stephanie, you gonna listen to that crap from this idiot?" "Excuse me?"
"Absolutely nothing happened between Hunter and myself on RAW and this
idiot is obviously manipulating you." "Oh, spare me Chyna - if that's
your real name. Last Monday night, I took a stand - sure, I hit Hunter
with a chair and I hit Eddie with a chair. I hit Hunter to stand for you,
I was takin' a stand for you, Stephanie, okay? I hit Eddie with a chair -
well, we all know I had a concussion. So I was seein' double and I
thought that Hunter got back up, so I swung again, thinkin' it was Hunter,
and it was Eddie - my Latino friend, I would *never* do that to him.
But, wait a minute, Chyna - speaking of Eddie, sure, I don't think you
really know how he felt, since you were tending to someone else last
Monday night...show the footage! Now, that's Eddie next to Hunter - who
is Chyna tending to? Your husband - it's true." "She sure is!" "You are
not kidding. So, that's what I'm talking about; I don't know what's going
on there, but Chyna, I'm sure you're proud of yourself, aren'tcha?" "You
know what Kurt, the only thing that I'm gonna be really proud of is
shovin' your Olympic medals down your throat." "Wait a minute! Whoa!
I'm not like Hunter - I don't strike women! Well - well, unless it's in
self-defense, then I'll strike women, but that's the only reason. Chyna,
don't come in here. Don't make me have to kick your butt. Not in front
of everybody...do not come in here. I have a woman in here. We don't
have to do this." Chyna continues down the ramp....and into the ring.
Stephanie stands between them, though, and gives Chyna what for, complete
with exaggerated pantomime. Chyna yuks it up a bit, then turns sourpuss,
and finally *Angle* grabs her and flips her over in an Olympic Slam.
Stayed around a bit too long after to put on the badmouth, though - EDDIE
GUERRERO is out to take some revenge, eventually kicking Angle out of the
ring - so why are they still playing *his* music? Stephanie's still got a
pretty big grin from the words she gave Chyna, as well...she and Angle
walk up the ramp while Eddie and Chyna stand in the ring...and we go to
the first ad break.
Chyna sells some more Stacker 2
Moments Ago, shout, slam, rescue
Backstage, Triple H is WALKING!
Meanwhile, in their dressing room, Stephanie and Kurt do a post-mortem on
the opening segment. Helmsley arrives - and wants to know what the hell's
up with Angle and his wife in such close quarters. Stephanie prevents him
from beating up Angle by slapping Triple H - then she breaks into tears.
"Why didn't you TELL me about Chyna on Monday?" Triple H is adamant that
it meant nothing. "If it mean nothing, then why didn't you mention it?
Why'd you have to hide it?" H proclaims this "ridiculous" and then, after
punting around a random piece of furniture, says he's gonna go cool off -
"I'm gonna come back when you're thinking straight." Stephanie is left to
emote on her own...
ROAD DOGG v. WALL BUCHANAN (with Steven Richards) - "Oh you didn't know?
Your (beep) better call somebody!" Dogg is good enough to tell me that
we're in Fayetteville, NC...as well as America. Dogg goes on a bit of a
tirade about the RTC try to tell him what he can and can't watch - getting
bleeped on "ass" once again in the process. Buchanan wishes a moment:
"Tonight, I want all of you to come together with me, and I want you to
close your eyes. And I want you to think - think about your children.
Think about their little faces. Then I want you to open your eyes and take
a look at my opponent - HE promotes vulgarity, HE promotes violence, and he
promotes filth! And as sure as I stand here toniiiiiight...I will censor
his actions, because I don't know about all o' you...but I do not want my
babies watchin' this disgrace." Buchanan rushes the ring, and the brawl is
on - Buchanan taking command - in the ropes, clothesline. Off the ropes
with an elbowdrop, hooks the leg, 2. To the rear chinlock (yeah, it HAS
been twenty seconds) - Dogg to his feet, elbow, elbow, off the ropes but
into a big Buchanan boot. Buchanan no-hands it to the top rope and comes
off with the clothesline. Tonight, a #1 Contender's match - Benoit vs.
Undertaker! Pinfall or submissions only...hmmm... Buchanan covers -
referee "Blind" Jim Korderas counts - 2. Buchanan working the body - whip
into the opposite corner, Dogg lands hard. Buchanan with a big right.
Into the opposite corner, followup splash MISSES. Dogg's knees are
waggling, left, left, left, juke, jive, right, off the ropes with
the...nope, Richards gets in a shot to the back instead. Buchanan tries
the axe kick, but Dogg pulls his head back up and catches him in a sorta
pumphandle slam on the way down instead. That'll do ya - 1, 2, 3. (1:42)
Richards and GOODFATHER, who appeared outta *nowhere*, hit the ring but
Dogg's already slid out, ready to enjoy a bit of gloating at their expense
- they leave the ring and Dogg decides to go out through the crowd instead.
Chyna hits up the Commissioner for a match - Foley says he won't reward
Angle for his behaviour. Guerrero says fine, HE'LL take a match with
Angle. Foley says Triple H already asked for a match with Angle, and he
just can't go around booking Triple Threat matches...no, wait, he CAN, so
tonight it'll be a Triple Threat match - Guerrero vs. Angle vs. Triple H!
And now, the WWF Burn of the Week, brought to you by Stacker 2! From RAW,
Edge & Christian do a major burn on their TLC opponents....with midgets
EDGE & CHRISTIAN & JACQUELINE v. NON-MIDGET HARDY BOYZ & LITA - I have it
on good authority that Edge doesn't even know all the words to his theme
song! Ask him about it next time you see him. "Greetings to all of our
fans in Fayetteville! As we all witnessed at SummerSlam, and again Monday
night on RAW, when comparing us and the Hardy Boyz, they always seem to
come up...just a little short!" "That's because...we reek of
awesomeness...and the Hardyz just don't measure up." Matt's actually got
THE STICK - will the Hardyz speak? "Edge & Christian, you guys reek all
right - but what you reek of is something I can't say on national TV!"
"Oh, but I can - YOU GUYS REEK OF--" Matt pulls the mic away. "Easy, man,
easy. You wanna come into our home state (Crowd: "Yeah North Carolina!")
and humiliate us? Well,after tonight, I guarantee you you'll never wanna
step foot in North Carolina again!" Crowd: "He said North Carolina! I
wanna DO him!" Running to the ring and it's on - Christian and Matt start
in the ring - punching away from Christian, off the ropes, Matt ducks,
right, right, haymaker puts Christian down. Right, into the ropes,
reversed, knee in the back by Edge - Hardy turns around and puts HIM down
with a punch, then turns back...and eats a flying forearm smash from
Christian. Stomp, stomp, stomp, Jackie tags herself in (to Christian's
surprise) - top rope splash (!) gets 2 from referee "Blind" Tim White. Off
the ropes, elbow misses. Tag to Lita - elbow, elbow, into the ropes,
reversed, Jackie with a - geez! - sidewalk slam that almost turned into
paralysis as Lita swung her head back to far just before correcting on the
way down - that girl SCARES me. Jackie gets 2. Into the ropes, reversed,
Jackie ducks the clothesline, floats over, but Lita counters the DDT
attempt with a Northern Lights-esque suplex - and almost obscene cover for
2. Off the ropes, Jackie catches her in a flapjack...and tags in Edge?
Edge tries a spear, but only finds a ringpost with his shoulder. Lita tags
to Matt Hardy - running Edge's head into the turnbuckle, Hardy quicklky to
the top rope - moonsault sorta hits for 2. Edge slips out and goes behind
- hey, that was kinda Twist of Fate-ish, and following that neckbreaker,
Edge tags out to Christian. Into the ropes, powerslam, leg is hooked...2.
Right, right, head to the unfriendly turnbuckle, goading Jeff into the ring
to distract White while Jackie and Edge work on the neck - Christian adds
some stompin'. Matt tries to punch back, but Christian's got more punches
in him. Into the corner, Matt puts up an elbow, clothesline running out,
tag to Jeff. Right, right to Edge, right to Christian, Edge shoved over
the top to the floor - Jacqueline with a top-rope dropkick to the back of
Jeff's head, putting HIM down. Lita comes in and muscles Jackie down -
White decides that NOW he'll try separating participants (wink wink).
Meanwhile, Christian manages his inverted DDT on Jeff - 1, 2, Matt breaks
it up with a legdrop to the back of the head. Edge over, Matt blocks,
right, gutshot, setting him up for - Jackie over, Lita over with a gutshot
for HER - there's a TRIPLE DDT! Double clothesline for Christian. Lita
off the top with a wackyrana for Edge - Twist of Fate for Christian -
swantonbomb - 1, 2, 3! Guess which two men were legal, too - MAN I love
the WWF because they get the LITTLE things right - and I ain't talkin'
'bout midgets! (4:00) Hardyz still don't have the belts, but they DO have
a pin on the champs. Hey, how 'bout a replay? Coming back, we see MR.
HARDY in the front row - hey, that's nice. He ain't no Larry "the Axe,"
but still...
I don't know about you, but where *I* am, RAW is on at its regular time, so
I don't see the need for this graphic saying "SPECIAL TIME!" Cole
proclaims Monday's audience "a record breaking audience." I can only
imagine that he is saying "ratings this year for the 11pm show were better
than last year, and these are the only two times we've ever done it - oh
and the dog show, right" - big whoop
Backstage, Stephanie is WALKING! In a rare moment, we actually watch
someone walk from behind - this is so we DON'T see Kurt Angle sneak up on
her from behind - he tries to put an arm around her, but she shudders and
backs off. Angle says there's some kind of misunderstanding about the kiss
from last week. "It was a kiss that a good friend would give to another
good friend - nothing more than that." Stephanie says she needs some space
- "big-time space." Angle reminds her he'll be there for her...
Hey, I just noticed - in this Crunch 'n Munch ad, Grand Master Sexay has
that announcer dude in a *Sharpshooter* - that's GOTTA be some sorta
CONTINUATION OF THE GIANT CONSPIRACY AGAINST BRET HART BY VINCE McMAHON AND
THE WORLD WRESTLING FEDERATION NOT TO MENTION THE XFL AND OH MY OH MY OH MY
Commentators hype "the Hughleys" - coming soon to UPN
WWF EUROPEAN CHAMPIONSHIP: PERRY (with Terri) v. AL SNOW (with Head) -
Champ enters first because that's how they do it in Europe. Tonight,
SmackDown! is brought to you by RC Edge cola, Honda, and "Divas: Postcard
from the Caribbean." Is this a blowoff match? Cool! Saturn pounds on
Snow as he parts the ropes, and we're underway. Head to the buckle, right,
right, right, right, into the opposite corner, Saturn reverses it back to
the first corner, press and slam. Front fact - vertical suplex. Saturn
goes outside for a quick rendezvous with Terri - allowing the Snowman
enough time to come over the top with a pescado onto Saturn! Snow stomping
away on the outside - right, into the barricade (and almost into Jim
Dotson) - scoop...and a slam, out on the floor. Going for the moonsault
off the barricade, but Terri shoves off before he can do it. Snow walks
back with a look for Terri - back over the barricade and towrads
Terri....Saturn nails him with a kick from behind. Rammed shoulder first
into the STEEL steps. Undertaker/Benoit is NEXT! Back in the ring, Saturn
with a Northern Lights suplex onto the arm, wrenching that same arm, Snow
punches back, but Saturn is still holding the left arm and he works it some
more. Arm wringer, chicken wing takeover (well...maybe not), and holding
the armbar. Snow isn't sure how to get out of this. Saturn kicks the
elbow - then shoves the shoulder right into the corner. Snow with a kick,
Saturn kicks back, Snow kicks, Saturn mauls him with a forearm. Still in
the corner, but now Saturn takes him out - by golly, is that a chicken
wing? Saturn threatens to break his arm. Maybe that's more of a half
nelson...anyway, referee "Blind" Teddy Long asks Snow if he wants to give
up, but Snow won't do it. Here's a look at Terri's nipples. Snow tries to
elbow out with his "good" (right) elbow - there's three elbows, Saturn
pulls the hair, but Snow ducks the clothesline. Snow with a right, right,
right, right, into the ropes, back elbow, left-handed clothesline but Snow
clutches his hurt arm after the move. Snow with a scoop slam - STILL
trying to shake off the pain in his left arm, climbing to the top...but
Saturn slips in under him as he's on the second rope - powerbomb coming
up...NO! Snow drops and slowly rolls it into a slo-mo 'rana, Saturn
helpfully bopping his head on the way down - Snow hooking BOTH legs - 2!
Saturn rolls it forward for 2. Snow kicks out and drives the shoulders
down for 2, Saturn kicks out and puts the legs over the shoudlers for 2,
Snow rolls forward for 1, Saturn seesaws back for 1 - they finally both get
up and Saturn clotheslines Snow down HARD. Into the ropes, but Snow slides
to a stop, gets up...and runs into a superkick attempt. BUT he shoves it
aside and catches him in a uranage into a sitout powerbomb! Why cover?
Snow says that's it and goes up for the moonsault - WOW! It hits. But
Terri is up on the apron and holding onto Head. Snow gets up and walks
over. He takes Head from Terri and grabs the back of HER head - is he
gonna kiss her? No, he's gonna SHOVE HER OFF THE APRON TO THE FLOOR! Go,
Snow! Long-distance thong shot, by the way. Anyway, Snow has Head and
he's ready to use it. Cover, leg hooked - 1, 2...Long decides to stop
counting and see Head in the ring instead. Oh MAN Teddy Long is one LAME
ref. "What's this?" Umm, that's Head - you've never seen her before?
Long asks if he used it. While they have a meeting of the minds, Saturn
sneaks up from behind, hits a Tiger suplex and holds on for the bridge - 1,
2, NO!! Long tosses Head to the corner. Lawler: "A little Head never hurt
anybody!" Terri throws Head BACK in, to Saturn, who swings and misses,
Snow with a right, right, right, into the ropes, reversed, drop toehold by
Saturn, going for the Rings of Saturn but Snow throws back his left elbow
to Saturn's face in an attempt to keep him from locking it on - Saturn DOES
break the hold, and Snow moves into ...the Dragon sleeper! Tony Schiavone:
"That's his move!" Saturn TAPS!!! Holy shit! Titles don't change hands
on SmackDown! but nonetheless...ladies and gentlemen, we have a new
European champion. (5:25) Snow remembers to keep Long from raising his
hurt left arm. Snow just rocked our world, y'all.
Back in the dressing room, Triple H is back and he wants to explain.
Stephanie's right; he should have told her. The hug was nothing, so he
didn't think about it. Still, she was right. And he was wrong. Stephanie
says it was only because of the past history of their relationship, and it
hurt. "I'm sorry." Stephanie is ready to accept this, closes her eyes and
sticks out her lips, but before H kisses her - he stops. "But, you
know...I could say the same thing about you and Kurt." "?? Kurt and I are
totally different." Stephanie explains how there's no history between her
and Kurt, see? They're just friends. "Oh, so you and Kurt are
just...'friends.' So you and - and Kurt Angle - you're just friends, the
guy that - that kissed you. The guy that, every week, is constantly
involved in our marriage, somehow trying to screw our marriage up, the guy
that's constantly needling me, the guy that is constantly in my face, the
guy that is constantly doing something, hugging you, kissing you..." H
starts to break some furniture, almost wiping out the camera. Damn, he
should lay off the Metacuts!
Outside the door, we see Joe cocking his ear to get a better listen.
Somebody should tell that guy he could just watch a monitor instead!
Hearing yelling and screaming, he takes off...
Meanwhile, Undertaker is WALKING! Now sitting on his bike, so he won't
have to do any more of that walking. That's TIRING!
You're watching UPN!
KEVIN "NAILZ" KELLY stands by with Al Snow. What was he thinking as the
referee raised his hand? "I wasn't. Why do you ask?" "Well, I just
was..." "It doesn't matter, Kevin. This belt has been held down way too
long! I plan on bringing honour, prestige and respect back to all the
citizens of Europea! Thank you."
And now, the WWF Boot of the Week, brought to you by LUGZ! From RAW, Rock
hits Rock Bottom on Kane - but Kane is a demon from hell, so he kicked out.
Later, the Undertaker ran in to chokeslam him.
THE GHOST RIDER (on his Beautiful Titan Bike) v. CHRIS BENOIT in a #1
Contender's match - pinfall or submission only, please - HOW do those STEEL
steps *magically* transport to the barricade and stand on their sides so
'Taker can ride around the ring? It's just so....*eerie*. It bears
repeating - when you make the belt MEANINGFUL, sometimes the story can just
write itself. Both of these men want a shot at the belt, because holding
the belt is the prize they both seek. When you say shit like "the belt's
just a prop," give it to David Arquette and threaten to give it to the
writer after a War Games match named after said writer - well, it might be
"sophisticated," but it doesn't exactly fly with the wrestling fans. But
you KNOW how loathe I am to make comparisons between federations. If
there's a common theme amongst tonight's matches, it's that they sure start
quickly - these two men are right on each other as Benoit enters the ring -
ducking a clothesline, kick, kick, kick, kick, right, elbow, kick, elbow,
kick, elbow, into the ropes, Undertaker catches the clothesline, puts
Benoit across his back, presses him over his head and drops him to the mat.
Off the ropes with a clothesline. Off the ropes with an elbowdrop...for 2.
Head to the buckle. Uppercut. Headbutt. Into the opposite corner
reversed by Benoit, Benoit catches the clothesline as Undertaker comes out,
to a crucifix, when THAT doesn't work Benoit drops down to try a sunset
flip, THAT doesn't work either as Undertaker grabs him in a double choke -
up above his head - and tossed to the corner. Running knee. Soupbone.
Into the opposite corner, running knee misses, Benoit goes right to that
knee, kicking away - draping it across the bottom rope - stomping all over
it. Benoit with words for referee "Blind" Mike Chioda, who apparently
isn't much of a fan of all that work in the ropes. Benoit back over to
Undertaker, but he shoves him away with both boots. Undertaker back to his
feet - Benoit dropkicks him in the back of the knee. Rather palpable
"Benoit Sux" chant going here. Benoit covers - 1, 2, shoulder up.
European elbow by Benoit, single leg trip, holding onto the left leg and
driving the knee into the mat. Undertaker to his feet - Benoit kicks the
back of the left knee again. 'Taker to his feet - Benoit kicks the knee,
kick, got the left leg, back trip on the right leg - left leg across the
bottom rope, buttdrop on the knee. Repeat. With his GOOD leg, Undertaker
shoves Benoit over the top rope to the floor! Crazay! Both men are down -
one in, one out. Undertaker to his feet. Benoit back in the ring -
running into a big boot. Soupbone! Soupbone! Undertaker puts Benoit in
the ropes, head down, got Benoit on his shoulder - MASSIVE spinebuster.
'Taker gimps to the corner and signals to the crowd...chokeslam coming
up....but before he can hit it, WELL IT'S KANE. Interesting thing...that
DQ (DQ 4:13) means we don't yet *have* a #1 Contender. Kane throws punches
in bunches until Benoit spins him around and asks just what the heck he
thinks he's doing. Now *Benoit and Kane* are going at it! Crowd chants
(what?) "Rock E." All three men getting into it now - not it appears that
Kane and Benoit are doubleteaming the Undertaker. LA ROCA comes out for no
apparent reason, does his right, right, right, right, spit, right to Benoit
as Undertaker gets the better of Kane and clotheslines him out to the
floor. Rock and Undertaker are left in the ring as Undertaker is announced
winner via disqualification. Kane pops back up onto the apron to try to
get another shot at 'Taker, but Benoit pulls him down. THOSE two are
fighting again. Some more REFS are out to try to keep all these men apart.
Play Rock's music! IF YA SMELLLLLLLL Undertaker gives one more longing
look to Rock...
Moments Ago - Kane ruins the match. Rock runs in. Cole tells us that all
four men want the same thing - the WWF title. I gotcher "sophisticated
storyline" right HERE, pal.
TAZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ (with Let Us Take You Back to RAW) v. CHRIS MONDAY JERICHO
- Hey, maybe *Tazz* should hook up with Kevin Kelly after he snaps, eh?
God DAMN Steve Blackman is the man. A quick look at our commentators (a
pair of kings - MICHAEL KING COLE & JERRY LAWLER) before we go up to Tazz,
who just MIGHT have something to say to at least one of them.
"Hehehehe...you know, lately, Mr. Microphone 1 and Mr. Microphone 2 have
been costing me some matches. Well, you know, I SEE Mr. Microphone 1 - but
where's good ol' JR? Where's he hidin', King? Is he under the ring? Is
he under the desk? Is he gonna come out here, take my eye out, blind me,
and end my career? Or is he home - unfreezin' his frozen face? Ahahahaha!
(Cole: "Hey, I've had this seat for a YEAR!") Well, King, tonight, you are
gonna find out what thug life's about. Tonight, right now, you are gonna
be just another victim." But before he can part the ropes and leave, the
Y2J countdown starts...and out comes the old Washington Capital himself.
"Tazz, would you please SHUT THE HELL UP? Ever since you came to the ring
and started jabbering on, the mood HAS changed to one of complete and utter
boredom - and just to let you know, since you've already challenged and
pretty much been beaten senseless by both the King and JR, I just wanted to
tell ya that now the ring announcers, the ring crew, the camera guys, the
lighting guys, the bell ringer, the timekeeper, the merchandise salesman,
and the popcorn salesman in the 17th row wanna piece o' you, too! (Sounds
like all the guys Vampiro has jobbed to, wot?) And I know that you (Tazz
imitation) considah yo'self to be a street...thug. And I consider ya to be
nothin' moah than a schoolyard bully, and I'm gonna treat you like I
treated all the schoolyard bullies when I was growing up. I'm gonna put ya
in the Walls of Jericho, and I'm gonna keep ya in it, 'til you run home
screaming and crying to yo mutha." Jericho hits the ring and, just like
that, it's on. Jericho ducks a clothesline, right, right, into the ropes,
back elbow, off the ropes, Tazz ducks, double leg by Jericho, going for the
Walls - Tazz punches him a few times, then shoves him away with a foot.
Boot up as Tazz charges - but Jericho follows it up by running into a
head-and-arm Tazzplex. No cover - Tazz just rams Jericho's head repeatedly
into the mat. Kick, stomp, stomp, blatant choke, right, right, right,
right, right, right, head to the mat, stomp, Jericho tries to bust out the
martial arts, right, Tazz to the eyes, in the corner, whip out into the
opposite corner, Tazz catches the boot - AND the enzuigiri, only he catches
THAT in the head. Jericho with "Iblockyourpunchyoudon'tblockmine." Right.
Into the ropes, reversed, flying jalapeno by Jericho! Knife-edge chop,
chop, into the corner, off the ropes for the bulldog, but Tazz has that
scouted and catches him with a T-bone Tazzplex instead. Tazz goes outside
and quickly delivers a right hand special delivery to Lawler. Referee
"Blind" Jack Doan castigates Tazz as he has a good laugh. King's already
thrown his headset aside - and now he flies in with a right, right, Tazz
right, Jericho with a baseball slide dropkick to the back of Tazz' head. To
the commentary table, and Jericho slides him back in under the bottom rope.
Crowd: "Jerry!" Right by Jericho, into the ropes, Taz holds on, duck,
Jericho ducks, Tazz puts on the Tazzmission - but Jericho breaks that when
his trick knee acts up! Off the ropes with the bulldog! Lionsault! Leg
is hooked - 1, 2, 3! (2:38) Tazz thinks about getting some more of Lawler
but the REFS keep him at bay. Lawler asks them to let him go.
Backstage, Just Joe tells Kurt Angle not to shoot the messenger, but he
heard a lot of loud, violent noise coming from the McMahon-Helmsley locker
room. Angle asks if he hit her again. He doesn't know, but "it was that
kinda noise." Angle gets bleeped on his way out...
Chyna STILL wants you to buy some Stacker 2...even though big muscles
aren't all she cares about.
The UPN 44 Discovery Guide not only has a big picure of Too Cool, Rikishi
and the Rock on the cover, but inside is your chance to win tix to the 7
October San Jose house show! Pick one up at Blockbuster or from your next
Domino's Pizza order
Let Us Take You Back to Earlier Today as Kai En Tai give a little MST3K
action to the TLC match, specifically to Buh-Buh Ray Dudley trying to scale
the ladder - "Buh Buh-san - so srowry!" - but getting shoved down through
four tables - "oh oh oh ohhhhhhh!! Hahaha!" Funaki: "Threedeeeeeeeeee!"
Michinoku: "Wassuuuuup!" Funaki: "Wassuuuup!" They each make the "upside
down OK's make glasses" face and start hopping around. They each turn
back...to see that the Dudley Boyz have been watching them. They don't
seem in too peachy a mood, if you catch my drift. Michinoku: "Ah herr - no
tabre! No tabre!" They manage to run off...
THOSE DAMN DUDLEYZ v. KAI EN TAI - ...but STILL ended up booked in this
match. RC Edge presents Unforgiven next month in Philadelphia! Before
they hit the ring, the music changes - the ACOLYTES are out and they're
putting on their bidness gloves. As the Dudleyz look at the Acolytes, Kai
and Tai (that's what the PTC calls 'em) attack from behind. Double whip is
reversed, and they collide in the centre. D-Von tosses Tai while Buh-Buh
Ray death suplexes Kai. Buh-Buh Ray with a right hand to Kai, into the
ropes, Kai manages a head scissors, but runs into a clothesline. Tag to
D-Von. Right, into the ropes, jumping back elbow, tag to Buh-Buh Ray.
Elbow to the head. Kai manages to shoves aside the arms and punch, right,
right, right, into the ropes, Buh-Buh Ray holds on, whips Kai into the
ropes, head down, kick by Kai, on the shoulders...Buh-Buh Ray powerbombs
him down. Shot for Tai on the outside as well. While referee "Blind" Tim
White pays attention to Tai, Buh-Buh Ray has Kai in position for Wassup.
D-Von does the dance, Buh-Buh Ray asks him to get the table - but Tai comes
in and pounds on D-Von before he can leave the ring. Into the ropes,
reversed, 3D! (Dudley Death Drop!) But now Faarooq is up on the apron and
White is over to chat with him about Friendly Tap pinball machine damage,
while behind his back Bradshaw delivers the Clothesline from Keyes, and
places Tai on top. White's back around - 1, 2, 3! (Strictly for the 2:09,
Modesto) Looks like the APA were working for Kai and Tai, and Taka just
got a pin on D-Von. Buh-Buh Ray looks perplexed, as if to say "what the
heck is THEIR music playing for? Whaa? We JOBBED to these guys?" Oops,
they spent too long celebrating in the ring...right for Kai. Buh-Buh Ray
goes outside and finds the table - and puts it in the ring. Tai put on the
table, both men pound on him - Kai put in position - Buh-Buh Ray superbombs
Kai through Tai AND the table - and lands on his feet! Play their music!
Here's a replay! We are left with the implication that the Dudleyz and
Acolytez might tie it up soon as a result of what's happened...
WWF New York spot
Meet the teams of the XFL - I covered this last week, so it's all
fast-forward to me now
Stephanie is stirring herself some coffee when Kurt Angle finds her again.
"Stephanie, are you okay?" "I'm fine." Stephanie tells him that Hunter
might be a lot of things, but he LOVES her - he'd never lay a hand on her.
"Are you trying to protect him? Don't do it!" Stephanie tries to convince
him again. "If I need you, I'll let you know." "I'm always here for you,
Steph."
Yesterday at the National Press Club in Washington, DC, the WWF offered a
(ha) serious (ha) invitation "to presidential contenders to reach the
fastest growing segment of voters." Why don't they invite Harry Browne,
hmm? He's MUCH more likely to show up. Anyway, they invited Bush and Gore
to debate on SmackDown! with Jesse Ventura moderating. I doubt they'd
REALLY give up a quarter hour that could be better put to use with a
fifteen-minute interview...say, wait a minute....it's just a swap of
performers! But that's BRILLIANT! It almost writes itself! Hey, Lita
spoke at this thing? How 'bout that. Of COURSE we get Foley's line about
Gore's "displays of public affection" - AND they play the kiss on this
TV-PG rated show! Wau! This must be where Angle and Stephanie got
motivation for THEIR kiss, right?
Backstage, Trish Stratus tries to get Val Venis' attention, but he's
ignoring her. "Minor setback! I got you the gold..I can get it again."
Venis tells her she gives herself too much credit. "You never helped me
win the intercontinental championship - I did it on my own! But you sure
as hell made me lose it!" Now, I'm pretty sure I remember Tazz playing a
part in that, but... "Trish, I'm sick of your bleached blonde hair, your
pushup bra and your cowboy hats - I don't need ya, I don't want ya, and I
won't have ya - la-tah." Trish, after he leaves: "You'll be sorry..."
RIKISHI (with Mandy & Victoria and Let Us Take You Back to Fully Loaded) v.
BALD VENIS - Venis seems in kind of a rage...maybe he should throw a party!
Venis with the big finger point, Rikishi moves up, and here we go, Venis
kick, right, right, right, right, Riksihi blocks, right, right, right,
right, off the ropes, Venis ducks, hiptoss (ha) blocked, Rikishi
clotheslines him down. Scoop...and a slam. Off the ropes, big drumstick
drop. Right, right, right, Venis hold onto the whip attempt - gutshot,
necbreaker. Stomp by Venis, right, right, right, right, right, head to the
buckle, kick, kick, kick, kick, stomp, standing on the neck. Referee
"Blind" Chad Patton forces the break. Venis right, right, Rikishi ducks
the next one and clotheslines him out of the ring - and follows. But it's
Venis landing the blows - two rights - whip into the STEEL steps...is
reversed! Venis hits hard. Rikishi puts him back in and follows. Samoan
Drop. RC Edge provides a steps whip Double Feature. Rikishi warms it up -
there's the fat ass splash - and there's one more. How 'bout a third?
Damn, why won't that guy flump down already? STEVEN RICHARDS runs out at
this point - Rikishi throws a right to put him on the floor. GOODFATHER up
- Goodfather down. WALL BUCHANAN meets the same fate. And now TOO COOL is
out to take care of Buchanan and Goodfather - they brawl up the aisle.
Inside the ring, Venis HAS falled down and Rikishi's ready to give him the
stinkface...but Richards is over to meet Rikishi, hitting him in the back
of the head with the bell. Richards urges Venis to put an arm on Rikishi.
Yup, somehow Patton missed ALL this talking to the ho's, but manages to
turn around just in time to count the 1, 2, 3. (3:32) Richards gimps off
- guess he got injured off his one bump - sheesh - but he STILL manages to
strike a smile through his pain. Replay of the bell shot.
Let Us Take You Back to Last Monday where Chyna and Triple H had a chat. I
wonder if Stephanie's watching this on the monitor now?
In the dressing room, Chyna tells Eddie that he doesn't have to worry -
she'll be in his corner tonight. "Look, Mami, I know that you and Triple H
are friends. So I hope it doesn't bother you when I go and pound his head
in, okay?" "Eddie, what Hunter and I had - that was business. What you
and I have, it's...special. It's important to me, it's real. So you do
what you gotta do, I don't care. Just get that punk Kurt Angle and take
him out!"
Hey! Chris Jericho eats Chef Boyardee Overstuff Beef Ravioli on a desert
island!
Huh?
Here's a look at the exterior of the building. Why can't they muster up
ONE graphic that says "Fayetteville?" The world...may never know
Triple H, a bit calmer, apologises for losing his cool...but you have to
understand where he's coming from. "You mean the world to me - I love you
more than anything in the world...and when Kurt Angle sticks his nose in
our business, I just wanna choke that little son of...I wanna wring his
(beep) neck, and just......see, I have to control, that, okay? That's what
I have to control. I'm sorry. I can't lose my cool when I'm around you.
I have to be in control. You're right, okay. And I just want you to know
- everything behind us, I'm sorry about all this, I will try my hardest to
control that, to respect you...(swalloing) and if you're friends with Kurt
Angle....it's not okay, but I'll try to control it. Okay? But I'm sorry."
"I'm sorry to - I never mean to slap you. I get out of control too." They
embrace. Immediately, there's a knock at the door... "If that's Kurt, I
sw--" but it's two from the sheriff's office. "We've received a complaint
of spousal abuse, you'll have to come on downtown with us." "You sic'd the
cops on me?" "Hunter - of course I didn't!" There's two more waiting
outside as they WALK away! Stephanie protests, but the cops won't let her
talk them out of this - or come along. Foley meets them on the way and
quickly gets apprised of the situation. Maybe Foley's priorities are a
little messed up, though - he's more worried about what this does to the
main event! Foley says it'll have to be Guerrero vs. Angle - but that's
not fair...Guerrero has Chyna and Angle has nobody...but wait! If
*Stephanie* stands in Kurt's corner... Stephanie is more inclined to
follow that unmarked car to the local constabulary, but I bet when we come
back from this break, she'll have been coerced into the main event...
Three new WWF videos! Buy 'em!
Buy RC Edge and take part in this poster off!
Maybe I've been lucky, but I've managed to COMPLETELY avoid that UPN bumper
tonight....until now
One more reminder about RAW's special time on Monday. Cole says "record
breaking audience" again.
EDDIE GUERRERO (with That Slut Chyna...and Let Us Take You Back to RAW) v.
KING KURT ANGLE (with Stephanie Ono) - Stephanie is reluctant...but out
there nonetheless. Angle asks her to hold the medals. Angle hits the ring
and turns his back to Stephanie again; Guerrero elbows him in the back of
the head. Right, right, right, right, into the ropes, up and over, back
elbow by Guerrero. Clothesline out of the ring. Chyna with a forearm.
Angle gives Chyna a look - and takes a swing. She ducks, but Eddie is
there on the spin to pop him one. Right, right, back into the ring. RC
Edge Double Feature of Chyna's crappy forearm. Guerrero with a brainbuster
(!) for 2. Right, right, right left right left right, right, referee
"Blind" Earl Hebner tells Guerrero that here in the main event, we don't
throw closed fists unless we follow it up with a People's Elbow! Guerrero
puts Angle in the ropes, Angle goes behind, waistlock, German suplex
release. Stomp by Angle. Angle manhandles Guerrero through the ropes to
the floor. Angle goes outside as well. Got the chair - but Chyna is over
to grab it from him. As they struggle over the chair, Eddie elbows him
from behind. Chyna hands *Eddie* the chair...but Angle manages to shield
himself with Chyna. Eddie halts his swing...and Chyna's trick knee acts
up. The low-speed chase is on - Eddie swings - and misses, hitting the
post instead. Apparently, on the ricochet, he caught his own ribs as well.
Angle rolls in - Guerrero back in. Guerrero with European uppercuts in the
corner. Sat on top - huracanrana! Cover...2. Another European uppercut.
Running at Angle, who drops down and dumps him over the top rope onto the
apron. Block, right...and Guerrero drops down, colliding with Stephanie on
the floor! Stephanie takes offense and slaps him one. Angle with a
baseball slide dropkick to the distracted Guerrero. Chyna coming over to
meet Stephanie, but Hebner slides out to keep her from reaching her. Angle
puts Guerrero back in the ring, and follows. Right, right, right, and
Eddie goes down. Right by Guerrero, clubbing blow by Angle. Repeat this.
Angle pulls Eddie up - suplex. 1, 2, nope. Who filed that complaint?
Eddie with a right, right, whip is reversed, Angle pulls Guerrero into a
belly-to-belly...for 2. Angle with a right, right, right, Eddie goes down
again. Angle stomps. Angle with a right, Guerrero kicks back. Into the
ropes, sleeper by Guerrero! Angle turns into it and hits the death suplex.
Stephanie on the apron, *Chyna* on the apron - Hebner misses Angle hooking
the leg. Angle and Guerrero exchange punches, but now the camera is
watching Stephanie make her way around the ring, grab Chyna's ankle, fail
to pull her off HOWEVER Angle shoves Guerrero off the ropes in JUST the
right spot, and Chyna *does* fall off the apron. Angle with a right - got
the intercontinental title - waffle! 1, 2, 3! (5:45) Stephanie and Angle
have a bit of a chat...but Chyna is in - crappy elbow, crappy elbow, crappy
elbow...and a clothesline to take Angle to the outside. She turns to
Stephanie and points. Stephanie tries to beg off...but quickly turns into
"who do you think you are?" typical McMahon mode. Satisfied, Stephanie
starts to leave...but Chyna, after giving the "can you believe she just did
that?" look, makes her way over, grabs her by the hair...to the centre of
the ring, gutshot, DDT. Angle is back in - and drags her outside the ring,
puts an arm over his shoulder and walks off. Eddie's music plays as they
walk up the ramp - credits are up and Cole's gonna talk long after the
fade--
Christopher Robin Zimmerman
www.CRZ.net