by Christopher Robin Zimmerman
WrestleLine/WrestleManiacs
QUICK OLYMPIC HITS: Sadly, it took me all of about ten minutes to get
annoyed with NBC's Olympic coverage. It would just KILL them to show
ANYTHING live, wouldn't it? After all, you can't put in ADS if you show
the thing live, right? And is it just me, or is it more fun to listen to
Andres Cantor call a match when you only understand about 15% of what he's
saying, 'cause he's speaking Spanish? Of course, I should at least wait
for the *Opening Ceremonies* to start complaining, right? NAAAAH
The Rock says UPN!
TV-PG-DLV - One World Leader Attitude - WWF!
Close captioned - Opening Credits
Hit the PYRO! For a second night this week, we're at the America West
Arena in Phoenix, AZ and tonight, en espanol donde sea disponible! Airing
14.9.2K (taped 12.9) on the UPN, THIS is WWF SmackDown! We're ALREADY five
minutes behind, so...
Just like on Monday, COMMISSIONER McFOLEY leads off tonight's festivities.
Tonight: Jericho and the Hardys take on X-Pac, Edge & Christian! Rock!
Kane! Undertaker! Benoit! Triple H! Kurt Angle! They're all here and
I'm sure they'll be put in matches in about fifteen minutes. "Now I know a
few months ago, when Vince McMahon left to become a genetic jackhammer, his
wife Linda made me the WWF Commissioner...thank you...now a lot of people
thought I had absolute power and answered to nobody, and while that's
largely true, it's not exactly true, because I do answer to somebody, and
that somebody are the fans of the World Wrestling Federation. Believe me,
I'm not just saying that to suck up, because if I wanted to suck up I'd say
that somebody includes the fans right here in Phoenix, Arizona! So, in
listening to the fans and in giving them what I thought they wanted to see,
on Monday night I set two matches for Unforgiven. One, Triple H versus
Kurt Angle...with your WWF Commissioner as Special Referee. And second, I
made a Fatal Four-way match involving Kane, the Undertaker, Chris Benoit
and the Rock. That sounds great - there's only one problem, you see I
don't think the participants in those two matches can keep their hands off
each other until Unforgiven; I think Triple H, Kurt Angle, Benoit, Kane,
the Undertaker and the Rock would tear each other apart! Thereby ruining
our pay-per-view, and putting me in a position where I would be forced to
have Al Snow in our main event. And no one, and the Mick means NO ONE,
wants to see that happen. So what I've done, is I have come up with a
special plan - a foolproof plan to ensure that all the participants make it
to Unforgiven. And I'd like to express that plan to everybody right now."
Just like Monday, IF YA SMELLLLLL is out to interrupt. "Seeing as the Rock
didn't say it on Monday night, he's sayin' it tonight...finally, the Rock
HAS COME BACK to Phoenix! (edit here?) Now, Mick Foley, the Rock'll make
this short and sweet. If you think that going into Unforgiven, the Rock is
a targeted man, well you're absolutely right. But if you think the Rock
isn't gonna make it to Unforgiven, you're wrong. Do you actually think
that the Rock is gonna get taken out before Unforgiven and unable to defend
his WWF title? Is that what you think? Well, Mick Foley, with all due
respect, the Rock wipes a lobster's left testicle with what you think. The
only thing that matters is that you get the Undertaker, get Kane, get Chris
Benoit and the Rock will do exactly what he does best, and that's layeth
the smacketh down on ALLLLLLLL their candy(beep)!" Foley asks for the mic
back. "Now something you just said has me a little bit concerned, and that
is...lobsters don't have testicles, Rock...and I know, because I have
looked. Speaking of looking, I want you to look up there at some footage
that I saw in the back on Monday night that concerns us all."
Let Us Take You Back to RAW where Rock and Undertaker had a chat prior to
the main event. (Go read the RAW report if you missed it, I got no TIME
for you here)
"Now you saw it too, Rock. There is a look about the Undertaker, and I
can't exactly explain what it is, but it scares the hell out of me, and I
know it's the same look he had in June 1998 when he threw me off the top of
the Hell in the Cell..." HEY HEY HEY HEY continues our cavalcade of
entrances and theme music as he walks out...and up to the ring. "you know,
Foley, I ain't the kinda guy that hides his feelings well. And just
because me and the Rock, we ain't friends, that doesn't mean I'm gonna take
him out. Just because me and Austin never seen eye to eye doesn't mean I'm
gonna mow him down with a car. But make no mistake about it, I am the
kinda guy that gets what he wants...and what I want right now...YOU have."
They go nose to nose and Foley tries to get between them. "Wait wait wait
wait wait...wait wait...Taker, Taker...and you'll get a chance to get what
he's got, but not until Unforgiven. At Unforgiven, you'll step in the ring
with the Rock, and you feel free to battle for the richest prize in our
sport." Here comes CHRIS BENOIT - because this *is* the World Entrance
Federation! "Hey Foley! Before you start rattling off your, uh, master
plan - I can tell you that whatever it is...it's gonna suck!" "Ass Hole!"
"Last Monday night, we had a tag team match - Rock and Undertaker against
me and Kane! And what was the end of that match? Well, since you
obviously have a very short memory, let me show you."
Let Us Take You Back to RAW. "Reverse jackknife - 1, 2, 3. That's right!
It was me pinning Undertaker! And what was the reward for that match? A
fatal four-way? Well, that's great Mick, that makes a lot of sense! But
of all the participants in that match, *I* was the better 'wrestler' - and
neither you, Undertaker, or Rock can prove me wrong! And finally, WELL
IT'S KANE is out to complete the quinella. "Benoit - I'm not interested in
proving you wrong - what I'm going to do is to all the people who call me
inhuman, who call me a freak, who call me a monster - I'm gonna prove them
right." Foley: "K, hold on hold on hold on. Now all I've been trying to
do here is explain my plan. Now if may proceed without any
interruptions...all right. What I'd like to do is this. I'd like to take
the members..." Aw shit, KING KURT ANGLE is out for yet *another*
entrance. "Mick, I'm sorry to interrupt, but all of this is nonsense! I
mean, WWF Championships can be won and lost at any time - it's not like,
say...Olympic Gold Medals, which can forever brand you as a winner. What
I'm trying to say is...although all this is important, it pales in
comparison to the bigger issue here, and that is the health of Stephanie
McMahon-Helmsley. Last Monday night, Stephanie was brutally attacked AGAIN
by her husband, Triple H. Let's take a look at what I mean."
Let Us Take You Back to RAW. "Now look at this - this is terrible! Hey,
Mick! Look at that! You talk about outrageous! Now I KNOW I can control
myself until Unforgiven, but I seriously have my doubts about Triple H. I
mean, he SAYS he loves his wife Stephanie, but look what he did to her
there - it's true! It's true!" And finally, THE NEW MAN is out - *unlike*
all these other folks, he doesn't bother with the yakking and makes a
beeline for Angle - only the timely intervention of a Foley waistlock
prevents his success. "Triple H, Triple H! Hold on, hold on - dammit,
hold on! Hold it! I do have a plan and it's a good one - and just let me
say it - just let me say it! I know you want to tear Kurt Angle apart, and
believe me, I don't blame ya. And if you two, and if all of you want to
destroy each other at Unforgiven, that's great! But to ensure that it
won't happen until then - to ensure that you won't destroy each
other...tonight, you will TEAM UP with each other. No, it's the only way.
So I propose, no I'm not proposing, I am saying there will be a series of
matches with the team of T&A facing the team of Triple H and Kurt Angle.
And the team of Kane and Benoit taking on the Acolytes. And that match
will be an Acolytes Rules match, which pretty much means there are no
rules. Undertaker, Rock, the two of you will also team up one more time,
right here in Phoenix, Arizona - and you will be taking on the tag team of
the Dudley Boyz. And because there seems to be an awful lot of aggression
in this ring, I'm gonna make that match a table match. If any of you
refuse to work together as a team (post-production here?) and if there's
anyone who decides to get physical with their partner during their match,
that person is out of their match at Unforgiven. (snip) That's the way
it's going to be, and that, Kurt Angle, is final." "You know something,
Mick, that's fine with me, but I'd like for you to add an amendment to
that. Not only should we not have any physical contact with each other,
but I don't think anyone and their spouses should have any contact with
each other as well, because let's face it, it can only lead to trouble, if
you know what I mean." Angle's music plays as Foley continues to stave off
Triple H's approach in his direction. Meanwhile, in the ring, Benoit and
Kane decide to start working as a team early as they both beat down the
Rock. Undertaker is content to walk up the aisle...but he stops...gives a
dramatic "God DAMN" and turns back to throw soupbones to Benoit. Tossing
him through the ropes, he's content to leave his brother alone with the
Rock. Kane got him in the choke - Undertaker walking away as Kane delivers
the four storey chokeslam. Kane's music plays as HE walks back up the
ramp. That's twenty minutes you'll never get back.
Chyna likes brains and brawn. And Stacker 2
Moments Ago, Undertaker saved his partner from Benoit - but not from Kane.
Dig that CRAZY chokeslam.
Earlier Today, Eddie Guerrero fixed his hair while sitting in a car.
ACOLYTES v. CHRIS BENOIT and WELL IT'S KANE in an Acolytes rules match- why
didn't they just STAY out there? Did we NEED to see their entrances AGAIN?
Benoit stands at the base of the ring and waits. The Acolytes decide to go
outside to meet him, so he slips in under the ropes while they do that.
They go back in and Benoit tries to get the jump on Faarooq - allowing
Bradshaw to kick away, then lace the arms and hold him for some open shots
from Faarooq. Repeated rights from Faarooq. Into the ropes, double
spinebuster. NOW Kane decides to make his entrance. Faarooq pounding away
on Benoit while Bradshaw awaits Kane - right hand, right from Kane, right
from Bradshaw, right from Kane, und so on. Kane with a knee, right, and
Bradshaw goes outside. Kane with a forearm to take down Faarooq. Bradshaw
pulls Kane outside, chop, right, chop, back inside the ring where Faarooq
is trying to set up the Dominator, but Benoit escapes the grip, turns
around for a waistlock, German suplex, holding on for two, and because we
all know the third one NEVER hits, we go outside to watch Bradshaw and Kane
- Bradshaw has the bell, but Kane clotheslines him before he gets a chance
to use it. Back to the ring, where Faarooq reverses a whip, but Benoit
takes him down with the armbar and clamps on the Crippler crossface!
Outisde, Kane meets the STEEL steps and Bradshaw is able to come back in
and break the hold with a stmp. Stomp, POWERBOMB. Bradshaw hooks the leg,
but Kane pulls him back outside at 2. Bradshaw, meet the post. Post,
Bradshaw. Faarooq stomping Benoit - into the ropes, spinebuster, leg is
hooked, Kane saves again. Kane with an uppercut for Faarooq, kick, right,
into the opposite corner, sidewalk slam. Benoit is walking back up the
aisle. Kane with a clothesline for Bradshaw - and then a look to Benoit.
Apparently, Kane wasn't watching the Ovaltron, or he'd have seen the
Acolytes coming up from behind and giving him the business. Benoit breaks
out a toothy grin. Into the ropes, Kane with a double clothesline. Benoit
stops smiling. Kane with a clothesline to take Bradshaw to the outside.
For Farooq, it's a big boot off the ropes. Kane looks to Benoit again -
and fails to see a top-rope Bradshaw shoulderblock heading his way.
Acolytes with a double neckbreaker. Kane still manages to get Bradshaw in
a choke, even while on his back. As he stands up, Faarooq comes off the
ropes and clips him. Kicking the back of the legs as Bradshaw gets up a
good head of steam - clothesline von Hades! Each man hooks a leg - 1, 2,
3. (3:45) Benoit's smile quickly fades as Kane quickly sits up and takes
off for Benoit.
Backstage, Triple H hits Foley's office and says he it's not fair that
everybody but him got to talk in the opening segment - and takes a few
minutes to expound on that theme. Foley stresses that he and Angle WILL
team up tonight, and they CAN'T fight each other, or it will ruin their
match at Unforgiven. Foley admits "Maybe I stepped in and messed with your
marriage - maybe I'm to blame! But it's gotta be that way because I'm the
commissioner and because I said so!"
Chris Jericho eats his Chef Boyardee Overstuff Ravioli...on ice??
Meanwhile, Too Cool and Rikishi eat their Crunch 'n Munch...on ice??
Here's another exterior of the America West Arena, where the palm trees
ALWAYS have Christmas lights.
Here's a Special Video Look at Eddie Guerrero and Chyna - mostly highlights
from RAW. "Nude pictures my BUTT!" "Eddie, don't ruin this for me...."
Earlier Today, at least three of the WWF cameras caught Eddie driving his
red ethnic car up the driveway to Hef's pad with the intentions of talking
to the man in charge. A large muscular guy (who we will hope isn't a
wrestler) answers the front door and fails to know what Guerrero's talking
about when he says "mamacita." "Look, Ese Lurch - just do your job, okay,
go get me a Pepsi, go call Mr. Hefner, okay? And there won't be a problem
between me and you, all right?" "Look sir, you're gonna have to leave."
"No, maybe - maybe you don't understand who I am, ese - you're talking to
the WWF intercontinental champion, okay?" Geez, that doesn't really carry
the credibility that it would if he'd actually walked up wearing the belt,
though. Anyway, Guerrero rants a bit until finally *mentioning* Chyna -
this, the guard DOES now. "You mean, Chyna - the 9th Wonder of the World?"
Guerrero is ready to offer the guard some latino heat - he's gonna stop
those pictures from coming out - he's got until the 25th (cha-ching!), and
he won't stop until he's ensured that nobody sees his mamacita nekkid. A
second, slightly less tall but equally buff guard appears at the door and
asks if there's a problem. Guerrero rants a bit more about people seeing
Chyna nekkid - he needs to take care of it now, before the 25th. "You
better calm down, or else we're gonna have to all the proper authorities."
Guerrero tries to rush the door, but they stave him off and shut it in his
face. Guerrero fights with the air in front of the door for a bit, then
stops and puts his glasses back on. "'kay, it's cool, it's cool..."
We look to a dressing room, where Chyna is making a scene, packing up and
taking off.
Outside the door, KEVIN "NAILZ" KELLY plays Jim Gray/Mike Tenay: "Chyna,
with Eddie's most recent actions, do you see your relationship coming to an
end?" "I can't believe you..." and off she walks. Kelly's expression
doesn't change, God bless 'im
UPN bumper is the only time you'll see Big Show tonight (well, maybe he's
still in the opening credits - I'm too lazy to go back and check)
Commentators shill "The Hughleys" - only on UPN!
All four members of RIGHT TO CENSOR are out. "I said, cut our music!
There hasn't been a lot of talk about who hit Stone Cold Steve Austin - a
man we can thank for the moral demise of the World Wrestling Federation
with his finger gestures, beer swilling, and vulgar mouth. And although we
were not sorry to see Stone Cold go, I can assure all of you that we had
absolutely nothing to do with it, as well as other things." Well, I'd HOPE
not, they've only been around a few months! As for the other things, it's
probably to Val Venis (RTC outfit, except with white shoes and pants) to
explain *that* comment: "You all think I was brainwashed, don't you? Well
I wasn't. You see, there was something missing from my life, and I didn't
know exactly what that something was until I met Steven. You see, I'm not
proud of the things I've done, or the examples I've set, and when I was
told by Steven to look back at the things I did in order to get ahead or to
be popular, or to put gold around my waist, I was asked two very simple
questions. Number one, did the choices I made in life help me to become a
better person? And number two, did my actions help to make the world a
better place? The answer to these two questions was simply NO!" "Save the
ho's!" "The Right to Censor helped to open my eyes wide for the very first
time, and I realised that selective censorship is not wrong, but turning
your back on the ills of this world IS wrong! You see, I was so caught up
in the happenings of my own life, I couldn't even see the evils in which
grew around me, so as long as there is breath in these lungs and blood
pumping through these veins, I will stand side by side with my brothers and
we will fight the good fight against violence, fight the good fight against
vulgarity, and of course fight the good fight against scantily-clad women!"
Goodfather applauds. Crowd boos. "The World Wrestling Federation is going
to change, whether it likes it or not! So, the reality of the situtation
is this - the Right to Censor has a new member, so Rikishi, Too Cool, why
don't you come out here and meet him."
BALD VENIS & GOODFATHER & WALL BUCHANAN (with Steven Richards) v. RIKISHI &
TOO COOL (with Mandy & Victoria...and SmackDown! is brought to you by
Stacker 2, RC Edge and SEGA!) - Cole tells us that Sexay needed fourteen
stitches after Guerrero's beltshot gashed up his ear...so that was REAL
blood Monday? Ewwwww! Buchanan jumps Hotty and we're on. Right left
right, right, into the ropes, duck, flying forearm by Hotty, cover for 1.
Right by Hotty, right, into the opposite corner is reversed, Hotty avoids
the followup, but Buchanan clotheslines him by surprise as he turns around.
Tag to Venis. Open kick, right, right, right, right, into the opposite
corner, follow clothesline, suplex, 2. Venis puts the head in the buckle,
into the opposite corner, Hotty gets the boots up, and hits a clothesline.
Both men down - crowd doing the American Males clap - tag to Rikishi!
Right, right, right for Buchanan, right for Goodfather, Samoan Drop for
Venis, double clothesline for the other two. Venis put in the ropes, head
down, Venis tries a sunset flip, but Rikishi drops the butt. Tag to Sexay
- goggles are on, and there's the Hip Hop Drop. 1, 2, Buchanan pulls him
off. Rikishi puts him in the corner, puts up a superkick to prevent
Goodfather from attacking from behind, Buchanan put in the opposite corner,
Sexay sent in for a butt splash, Rikishi with a clothesline, Hotty off the
ropes with a bulldog...time shall now stand still while we wait for
Scotty's W O R M. Cole: "Steven Richards finds it disgusting - *I* find it
funny as hell!" Me: "You're BOTH chumps." Buchanan rolls to the outside
post-karate chop, Goodfather gets a Sexay right to fall off the apron -
meanwhile, Rikishi has found *Richards* up on the apron, and pulls him in.
Sent into the opposite corner, fat ass splash, Richards flumps down - will
he get the stinkface tonight? Yes! (They must be ready to release him?)
While referee "Blind" Teddy Long gets pulled down by Richards, Buchanan and
Goodfather pull out Too Cool and it all breaks down on the outside. But
out from the crowd appears EDDIE GUERRERO, and he's got some mace for
Rikishi. On the outside, Rikishi holds his eyes while Guerrero stomps
away. Hotty tries to pull him in the ring from behind by the hair, but
Venis is up to HIM from behind, and hits the Blue Thunder powerbomb - 1, 2,
3. Well, Venis was legal, anyway. (3:47) We'll probably come up with a
cool name for that later - "censorbomb" seems like the odds-on favourite.
Outside the ring, Guerrero continues to pound on Rikishi, using the mace
canister to load up his fist...then puts him into the STEEL steps.
Backstage where Trish Stratus inspires Test. "Tonight, we have a chance to
kick the (beep) of four-time WWF Champion Triple H." "You know, the guy
that stole your wife?" "No, the guy that got my leftovers!" "Baby, we're
gonna go oot there, and we're gonna kick their (beep) - and not only a
champion, but an Olympic gold medalist." "You mean the Special Olympics.
We're gonna take his gold, and we're gonna take his pride. And we're gonna
show him what T&A is all about." "And if that Stephanie gets involved, I
will personally take her down." Didja notice how they had Cole talk over
the "Special Olympics" crack? Maybe somebody had second thoughts about
letting that one get through...
Meanwhile, Kurt Angle is WALKING!!
So...like the Slim Jim guy WANTS the kid to drown? Geez, I don't think I'd
want to buy food that wants ME to DIE...
Moments Ago, I'm surprised Rikishi didn't just EAT that pepper spray. He
*is* a large man
THE NEW MAN (with the TV-PG-DLV ratings box and Let Us Take You Back to
RAW) and KING KURT ANGLE v. T&A (with Trish Stratus - the fitness model) -
somebody else is calling these tag team matches "Zero Tolerance Matches"
after the fact, but that sounds kinda lame, so I'm not going along with it.
Angle and H having a discussion about starting - apparently H wants Angle
to be his guest. Angle promptly turns around and eats an Albertline.
Right hand. Scoop...but Angle breaks free and lands on his feet. Going
for a waistlock - Albert with a back elbow, another, off the ropes into
Angle's drop toehold. Angle floats over to the facelock...but Angle picks
him up and deposits him in the corner. Repeatedly driving the shoulder
here. H is getting a kick out of Angle taking this punishment - now
applauding Albert. Stomp, stomp, tag to Test. Into the ropes, double back
elbow. H is smiling broadly - but that stops when Angle manages to crawl
over and tag out (rather hard, at that). Angle: "Oh, what are you gonna
do? You gonna hit me?" But of course, he can't do that - turning around,
gutshot from Test, right hand, right, right, into the ropes, reversed, Test
ducks the clothesline, but not the high knee. H with a right, right, wow
what a suplex. H smacks Angle for the tag. Test breaks up the attempt,
right, right, into the ropes is reversed, belly-to-belly overhead suplex.
In the corner, right, right, right, right, right, right, stomp, stomp,
stomp, stomp, words for referee "Blind" Tim White, who wants it out of the
corner. Angle asks H to put up the boot - he grudgingly complies. Test
reverses the whip and ANGLE feels H's boot. H cracks up from this. Angle
shoves H off the apron to the floor - H pops up and back in the ring...but
holds back on the fist. Test comes in, leveling Triple H. Another right,
right, tag to Albert. Albert kicking away, right, head to the buckle, into
the opposite corner, clothesline is ducked, and Triple H hits a hangman's
neckbreaker. Right, right, into the ropes is reversed, head down,
facebuster. Off the ropes, Stratus grabs the ankle and trips up Trip. H
turns to face Stratus...just enough of a distraction that, when he turns
around, he runs right into the bicycle kick! But Albert can't capitalise.
As he tags Test, we see that STEPHANIE ONO is walking out to the ring. Now
it's *Angle* with the big grin. Test turned to watch this as well, though
- so Triple H is back on top with the punching. Into the ropes is
reversed, boot by Test, gutwrench powerbomb(!) ...for 2. In the corner,
stomp, stomp, stomp, stomp, and so on. H blocks a right and hits one of
this own. Repeat. Right by H, right, right, right puts Test down. Shot
for Albert on the apron as well. Right for test, right, Albert comes in
and waffles him from behind - Test with a sidewalk slam. Into the corner,
do si do scream whip. Albert goes to run H into Test's boot, but Stephanie
is holding Test's ankle down and he can't move. Stratus quickly moves over
To Stephanie and pulls her down by the hair. Angle is over too late. In
the ring, H ducks the big boot, clotheslines Test, ducks an Albert
clothesline and punches HIM out of the ring. Outside, we see Angle
checking on Stephanie...H is over to grab Angle by the chin and bring him
into the ring. He rares back...and stops. Angle DARES him to hit him,
sticking out his chin in the process. H wrestles with his emotions JUST
long enough for Test to grab him in a full nelson slam. Leg is hooked...1,
2, 3. (5:49) Angle walks out smiling, but Test apparently saves the match
at Unforgiven...say, if Angle REALLY doesn't want the match at Unforgiven,
why doesn't HE just pop Triple H one? That would seem to be a *major* plot
hole. Somebody alert the "CRZ is biased" crew for me.
While Foley works on a little welding (I guess) in his office, Tazz
approaches. "Tazz, how are ya? Has the mood changed yet?" "No, the mood
hasn't changed. Listen, I want out. I'm done with it. I want my contract
done, I want my unconditional release, I want outta this place." "Tell you
what - we'll get to that later, but first off I want to ask you what you
think about this - this is my children's book - see Kane? The elf's
looking at him and he's so scared he's actually making a little bit of
peepees right there--" "See, that's exactly what I'm talking about - this
is exactly what I mean. I'm sick of this. I'm sick of you not doing your
job when it comes to me, your stupid books, your stupid office, your stupid
hats. I'm sick of this. I'm gonna spell it out for you, I *quit*.
Q-U-I-T!" "First off, Tazz, I don't think my book is st - is - is stupid,
and second off, I kid around with you because I like you - I may be the
only one but I like you, and I'll tell you what I'm gonna do. I'm gonna
book a match with you and the King one on one at Unforgiven, how's that hit
you?" "It don't hit me, 'cause the same thing's gonna happen again -
someone's gonna interfere, I'M gonna get screwed, I'm sick of it - I want
out! I quit!" "No, wait, wait, I'm gonna do one better. I'm gonna
guarantee you and Lawler at Unforgiven, that you can't touch the King until
the match and the King can't touch you. In other words, no one's gonna
screw with you. Does *that* sound good?" "That sounds all right." "All
right, one more thing. (lowers helmet - and voice) Tazz. I am your
father." "AAAHAHAHAHAHA! That's great, I like that - no touching, right?"
"No touching." "Deal."
Our commentary team is a pair of kings - MICHAEL KING COLE & JERRY LAWLER.
Lawler readily accepts the match.
Moments Ago, Stephanie Trish Kurt Triple H Test 3
EDGE & CHRISTIAN hit the ring. "Greetings to all of our fans in Phoenix!
Now we realise, having endured the likes of the Suns, the Cardinals and the
Diamondbacks, it must be nice to actually have some winners within your
state boundaries!" "But on a serious note, we just wanted to come out here
and say that we TOTALLY had nothing to do with Stone Cold Steve Austin
being hit by a car last November. That was heinosity to the max. And if
we had a time machine, we would go back and stop it from taking place,
because that's the kinda guys we are." "Edge, I'm sorry to interrupt you,
but - ah - don't you remember? We DO have a time machine!" "Dude, I
completely forgot! Yeah, and seeing how at Unforgiven, after we beat the
Hardy Boyz - yet again - and retain our tag team titles, I figure we might
as well put that time machine to use...and bring back...the Hardy Boyz..of
the future!" "Why? So we can see if they've learned anything from a
lifetime of embarrassment and beatings by us?" "No...to see if they've
finally learned how to talk! So without further ado, straight from the
year 2050, I give to you THE HARDY BOYZ." Out come two old dudes in Hardy
shirts - hey, I didn't know Matt was a Navajo! "Holy future shock,
Christian! Hardyz of the future, it's a pleasure to see you. How do you
feel?" Jeff: "How do ah feel? 2XTREEEE--(cough cough)" "It's nice to see
things haven't changed, but Hardy Boyz, I have a question for you - are
they still spelling things with Z's instead of S's in the future?" "I'm
kinda cold and hungry." "I bet. Hungry for action, that is! What do you
say we practice the spear for old time's sake?" The Hardyz assume the
"guns" position as LITA's music fires up...but that must be the Lita of the
future, complete with thong, low-ridin' pants (yikes!) and a big charcoal
smudge all over her right shoulder where a tattoo might have once been.
"Whoa - Lita of the future, time sure beat you down and dragged you through
the mud. I didn't realise you were here!" "I love......PRUNES!" I lost
it at this point. "heh - well - Christian, you know what they say...Lita
will do a Hardy for anything. (a beat) I mean, Lita will do *anything*
for *a Hardy*. My bad." "Dude, dude, haha - time travel rules!" "Yeah.
Whaddayasay - let's spear them for real." But out comes COMMISSIONER
McFOLEY. "Edgester - Christian - that was definitely awesome, but I happy
to know for a fact that those are not the real Hardyz from the future,
because if they were, they would have been able to tell you that not only
did they take you on at Unforgiven, but they did so within the confines of
the unforgiving, bone-breaking, fifteen foot high steel cage! But let's
just say, let's just assume for a second that those were the real Hardyz of
the future, and even though I know this may be a major break in the
space-time continuum, what I'd like to do right now is introduce you to the
Hardyz and Lita of the present! And out run the HARDY BOYZ OF THE PRESENT,
who quickly take it to our champs. LITA is behind them. Beatdown
culminates in the triple suplex (listen for the "ready? 1 - 2- 3 - go!"
just prior) and posing for all.
WWF HARDCORE CHAMPIONSHIP: PERRY (with Terri) v. STEVE BLACKMAN (with Riggs
& Murtaugh) - Do you ever worry that Terri's breasts are going to break
away and declare their independence? We take another look at our
commentary team where, by a shocking coincidence, TAZZZZZZZ has appeared
and run off a front row spectator, claiming he is sitting in his seat.
Tazz is apparently mic'd, 'cause he's clear as a bell on the TV. Tazz
tosses handfuls of popcorn at the commentators. "What up, King? Hey, good
ol' MC, what's up buddy!" Tazz produces a sign with "TAZZ" and an arrow
pointing downwards underneath and holds it above himself. "Hey Ma, lookit
me, I'm on SmackDown! I made it, Mom!" The sign says "THUG LIFE DEAD" in
the reverse. Blackman has *signs*! He's made it, baby! Saturn goes
outside to meet him and it's on. Blackman punches in bunches. Saturn
rolled in, Blackman goes for the weaponry. Saturn tries a dive through the
ropes, but Blackman brains him with a trashcan lid on his way out.
Blackman's found his sticks - and his catchphrase! "Oh - IT'S PARTY TIME!"
Saturn gets a couple hundred stick shots in two seconds. "Not done yet!"
Blackman goes for his "stick in the crotch" slam, but Terri leaps on
Blackman's back and holds on. Blackman manages to grab Terri, but this is
SmackDown!, so we can't see if he showed off her ass to the crowd or not.
By their cheering, I'm thinking that just maybe, he did. Saturn saves his
manager by whacking Blackman with a STOP sign. Tazz is very loud. Saturn
with a right, into the barricade...and over! Saturn grabs a lid and
follows - lid to the head, another lid shot. We look at Tazz throw
popcorn. Blackman's turned it around - Saturn back over the barricade and
Blackman with a Lethal Kick from the top of the barricade to the floor!
Unfortunately, he rolled his ankle on the landing and can't quickly follow
up. Blackman puts Saturn back in the ring - lookit Tazz - Blackman sets up
a can in the corner - whip into the can is reversed, Blackman pulls up and
jumps and over...nothing. Saturn dropkicks him into the can. Northern
Lights suplex gets 2 - Tazz is quick to remind Cole what that move was,
tapping him on the shoulder - hey yeah, he CAN have physical contact with
*Cole*, right? Of course, that means Ross can have contact with HIM as
well...hmmm... Tazz is throwing popcorn like he was Rip Taylor with
confetti. Saturn tosses Blackman outside, and Terri holds him in place
with a waistlock for Saturn's Asai moonsault! "Slobberknocker, Lawler -
SLAW - BER - KNOCK - ER!" Saturn rolls Blackman back in as RC Edge
provides the Double Feature. Saturn's got another can, but as he comes off
the corner, Blackman kicks the can right into Saturn. Cover - 1, 2, 3.
(2:51) Tazz yuks it up and displays his sign again. Then he smacks Cole
with it. Cole holds Lawler back. That was FUNNY! (I guess you had to be
there.)
Kevin Kelly interviews the Undertaker. "It's no secret - Rock and I, we're
just not friends. Hell, we don't even like each other. That's not gonna
stop me tonight from being a professional and gettin' the job done with the
Rock as my partner. But you know what? For the Rock's sake, he just
better hope he doesn't (beep) me off."
Chyna shills Stacker 2 again
And now, get ready for some Maximum Power! Delivered by RC Edge Maximum
Power cola! From RAW, Lita manages to defend the title against Ivory.
EDGE & CHRISTIAN (with Earlier Tonight) and X-PAC (with Let Us Take You
Back To RAW) v. CHRIS THURSDAY JERICHO & HARDY BOYZ (with Lita) - As our
champions hit the ring, JIM DOTSON makes an appearance and throws Tazz out.
Tazz takes the opportunity to dump the rest of his popcorn onto Cole on the
way out, laugh hysterically, but fail to get the King to pop him one. As
X-Pac appears, we look at some more footage of X-Pac's backstage attack on
Jericho that we didn't see during Monday's show. Their opponents come out
together, through the crowd, surprising them from behind. It's a Pier Six
Brawl, yo. Jericho and X-Pac up and down the aisle, the other four in the
ring. Back in the ring. Field goal kick for X-Pac, Jericho all over him.
"Y2J" chant. Christian comes over to pop Jericho and turn it around.
Right, right, into the ropes, duck, Jericho with a flying jalapeno. Chop,
chop, Christian ducks, right, chop, into the opposite corner, reversed,
bulldog by Jericho. Tatg to Matt, scoop slam, Hardy with a second rope
legdrop. Right, right, right, right, right, Edge tries to sneak in, but
Matt throws a punch HIS way, putting him down. Scoop, Christian back down,
gutshot, shoulder into the post. Tag to X-Pac. Kick trifecta. Quick
crotch chop to the other corner, and broncobuster for Matt. Tag to Edge,
kick to the face, hung up on the top, Hardy punches him off, Edge back
over, and he DOES get off the beal, but Lita trips him up by HIS ankles,
then pulls him backwards, crotching him on the ringpost! Somehow, referee
"Blind" Mike Chioda missed all that. Tag to X-Pac, hot tag to Jericho!
Duck, catches the foot, clothesline, clothesline off the ropes, into the
ropes, reveresed, Jericho ducks the kick, double leg takedown, Walls of
Jericho! But Edge saves him...unfortunately for him, he ALSO shoves him
into a tag to Jeff - who leaps to the top and springs off with a corkscrew
somersault plancha - Cole says it's called the "whisper in the wind," which
I hope the chicks like, 'cause to me it sounds pretty gay. (Hell, maybe
the gay guys like it too, then.) Christian in as well, forearm, right,
into the ropes, double clothesline ducked, Jeff with a double dropkick.
Jericho back in and clotheslining Edge out. X-Pac whipped into the corner
as the Hardyz set up for Poetry in Motion (come to think of it, THAT sounds
kinda fruity too - did Cole just say "Hardy Boyz" or "Pretty Boyz?").
Lawler: "They got a stupid name for everything they do?" Poetry in Motion
in the opposite corner on Christian. Gutshot, Twist of Fate by Matt,
swantonbomb by Jeff...but he was caught napping as X-Pac comes in, gives
him a gutshot and X Factor, and calmly wraps up the 1, 2, 3. (3:53) Why
yes...both men were legal! Also, X-Pac ALWAYS gets the pin. Or something.
Replays of this and that as Cole explains the concept of the legal man.
I'm SHOCKED.
Here's another look at the "SmackDown! challenge" graphic. Notice again
that of the three pictures here (Gore, Ventura, Bush), only ONE takes up
more space than the other two. And only ONE name actually appears on the
screen. If you can't figure out *who,* you don't know the people involved
behind this. Random fans say "youth of America" - hey, *I* watch
"Nightline!" I think I'm offended! (Of course, I was gonna vote
anyway...) Current tally is 60,000 voters allegedly registered. Visit
wwfvote.com
STILL TO COME: The Dudley Boyz vs. The Rock & The Undertaker in a Table Match!
Here's a look at WWF New York - GOTTA have that at least once a week.
Interesting that the Unforgiven ad up on the wall shows Angle, Stephanie
and Triple H, isn't it? Well...they only announced the fatal four-way on
Monday...
LILIAN GARCIA stands in the awesome presence of the mighty Rock. It
doesn't matter if the Undertaker gets (beep) by the Rock, because
Undertaker has already (beep) the Rock, so he already knows he can't trust
him. In fact, he can't trust ANYBODY...but the Rock. Rock asks Lilian if
she likes pie. "Yeah - I do!" "Just like the Rock thought - IF YA
SMELLLLLLLLLLLLLLL..." Huh?
UPN bumper
Let Us Take You back to Survivor Series where a car ran down Stone Cold
Steve Austin. The interrogation begins at Unforgiven - assuming of course,
nobody comes forward in the next ten days (and don't hold your breath).
DUDLEY BOYZ v. HEY HEY HEY HEY and IF YA SMELLLLLLLLLL in a table match -
Holy cats - those steel steps have somehow stood on their sides and moved
over against the barricade JUST in time for Undertaker to drive His
Beautiful Titan Bike around the ring! RC Edge presents Unforgiven a week
from Sunday from Philly's First Union Center! It's not just cola - it's
POWER cola! Rock and Buh-Buh Ray start. Dudley: "Don't you worry 'bout me
- you gotta worry 'bout him!" Lockup, knee by Rock, right, right, into the
ropes is reversed, but Rock springs out with a clothesline. Knee by
Dudley, right, open-handed slap, slap, right, right, slap, Rock turns it
around - right, right, right, right, right, NOW KISS THAT RIGHT and Dudley
goes down. Tag to Undreatker, Rock holds him for an open kick, soupbone,
soupbone, into the opposite corner, followup clothesline. Arm wringer,
he's going to the top rope for the tightrope walk - and down across the
arm! Off the ropes with the clothesline. Knocks down D-Von as HE comes
in. Buh-Buh Ray tries for a gutshot and hits it, right, right, right,
blatant choke in the corner, right, right, into the opposite corner,
avalanche, gutshot, vertical suplex (!), tag out to D-Von. Dudley with a
right, right, into the ropes, jumping back elbow, stomp, right, into the
opposite corner, but he runs into a boot. Big clothesline from the 'taker.
Tag to Rock, open shot. "We want table!" Off the ropes, duck, big
clothesline by D-Von, tag to Buh-Buh Ray. Into the ropes, doubel back
elbow, double shot for the Undertaker. D-Von goes out after Undertaker
while Buh-Buh Ray stomps on Rock. Undertaker put into a set of STEEL
steps, and referee "Blind" Earl Hebner decides he'd better go outside and
put a stop to *those* shenanigans. In the ring, Dudley with a bodyslam -
and there's "whassup" - D-Von testifies and Buh-Buh Ray says the four words
- "D-Von, get the table." Table in the ring, but Undertaker uses a big
boot to the table to take down both Dudleyz. Rock back up - he AND
Undertaker both stomp on the table, which is lying on their opponents.
Undertaker puts the table in a corner. Each man grabs a Dudley and works
him over in a corner. Rock is ready to whip D-Von across the ring into the
table in the opposite corner, but Buh-Buh Ray ducks Undertaker's
clothesline in the *adjacent* corner and heads off his half-brother by
running into him. Don't know if it was intentional or not, but it worked.
Undertaker and Rock stomp. Rock goes outside for the Dudleyz' table while
Undertaker repositions the one already in there. Each man clotheslines a
Dudley. D-Von manages an uppernut on Undertaker - he may be a Dead Man,
but it still hurts like hell when you hit him in the balls. Rock's got
Buh-Buh Ray in position for Rock Bottom...but D-Von moves the table out of
the way *just* in the nick of time! Undertaker back up...death suplex for
D-Von, but unfortunately not into the table. Rock and Undertaker
reposition the corner table, standing it up in the ring - then they stand
up the second table, too, just in case. Dudleyz have had some time to
recover - was it enough? Undertaker throws a soupbone to Buh-Buh Ray.
D-Von in a choke - Undertaker ready to drop him but he holds on for JUST a
second longer, and unfortunately, Buh-Buh Ray whips Rock into Undertaker -
and he falls to the mat before dropping D-Von. Undertaker with a look for
Rock. Rock again tries for Rock Bottom, but D-Von pummels him from behind.
Buh-Buh Ray clotheslines him outside while Undertaker tosses D-Von down.
Got Buh-Buh Ray in a choke...big boot for D-Von as he tries to
save...Buh-Buh Ray breaks free, Undertaker with
"Iblockyourpunchyoudon'tblockmysoupbone," calling to Rock...but Rock isn't
moving on the outside...Undertaker turns around, and ends up in 3D (Dudley
Death Drop) right through the table. That's your match. (6:31)
Interesting how all six main eventers LOST tonight, isn't it? They Dudley
Boyz quickly take off - here's a replay of how it all went down. When we
come back to real time, Rock is just now shaking off the damage he suffered
being thrown out. He comes back in...and Undertaker promptly chokeslams
him through the other table. HEY HEY HEY HEY did Undertaker hurt his left
shoulder? He seems pretty pissed. Rock looking him out, as he drives back
up the aisle...stops...and raises his right arm. Credits are up and we're
OUT.
Christopher Robin Zimmerman
www.CRZ.net