by Christopher Robin Zimmerman
Happy birthday, Mom!
TONIGHT'S EXCUSE: Pac Bell SWEARS I'll be back online Friday. Of course,
it's been 29 days, so I am pessimistic. If I EVER get back online, we'll
be back to you getting these things in the morning instead of the
afternoon (or on the other coast, last afternoon). In the meantime, enjoy
some stuff I pre-pared yesterday afternoon!
CORRECTIONS: Scott Keith's Double Tables "Rant" contained numerous and
myriad omissions, which I will note here. First and most importantly, this
card was the crown jewel of the sole rec.sport.pro-wrestling convention
weekend (which also included the previous night's spot show in Jim Thorpe,
and a Q&A earlier that day). So, if you're REALLY bored, you can scan the bleachers for Dave Scherer, Rick Scaia, and myself, amongst other folks. Of
course, you have to know what they look like ahead of time, don't you? I'm
actually rather easy to spot - I took the liberty of wearing a FIND ME yellow
turtleneck and a Sacramento Kings baseball cap. I stand out.
"How do you like my new suit?" is, in fact, quite a catchy catchphrase at
that. Jason might have been annoying, but he was STILL better than Matty in
the House. (My opinion only, he qualified)
The Young Dragon who lost his mask was, I believe, Joel Hartgood.
Steve Richards and Tommy Dreamer actually battle over an r.s.p-w Con T-shirt
during their match, which is pretty funny. Had Keith taken time to mention
this, however, he might have lost the opportunity to make "Tommy Dreamer is
fat now" jokes as well as say "Canadian Violence" (despite the absence of
Canadians in the match) and THAT could have been a TREMENDOUS tragedy.
Where Scott says "Mikey bleeds from the mouth, albeit not very well," what
happened was that Lauria screwed up a chairshot, legitimately busting up
Whipwreck's mouth with the crossbar of the chair - quite nasty. Whipwreck
needed a lotta stitches, but still managed to return in time to watch the
end of the card from the audience.
The Rottens went up into the bleachers during their match, and I have a
BITCHIN' closeup photo of it. It's right here, in fact.
I actually got no beef with the next two match descriptions. Call me short
Props to Keith for noting Sandman's concussion. Sandman apparently couldn't
remember to stay down for ten, and that's why the match dragged on - and on
- and on...funniest moment is when Sandman actually KICKS OUT AT 2, but this
only gets a passing mention in the report.
Paul E. actually told 911 to do another chokeslam "for the Internet guys,"
and I can only figure that at this point, Scott is flexing his "I hate r.s.p-w
so I'll just pretend they don't exist" muscles, which works about as well in
a report as when his R lifemate flexes his "I hate Justin Credible/Steve
Corino/Tammy Sytch/CRZ/and many more but I can't let a week
go by without mentioning him/her/them" muscle. (Just my opinion.)
And finally, there was a reason that Chris Benoit's post-match shenanigans
ended up being referred to as "THE spot" for a couple years thereafter. Although I
*suppose* in the land of Keith the damning faint praise of "Now THAT was a nice
spot" is more than we can hope for in an ECW recap. (Kinda like me and WCW,
right? Har har.)
Anyway, I have this show AND the previous night's spot show (DINO SENDOFF!!)
on a tape somewhere thanks to one of the coolest men on earth, Michael
Morris (or did Scaia send me that tape? I can never remember) and I encourage
all of you to make arrangements to get a copy from me if you don't have it.
I STILL have my ticket stub dipped in blood and I STILL have a piece of table
that Sabu broke. Because I am INSANE.
Rumour has it I might turn in a post-Unforgiven reaction on some other site
whose URL sounds like ShootAngle.com. Or I might opt for deep sleep, instead.
Who can say? It's so much EASIER to tear down someone ELSE'S than create
The .... UPN
Very unusual... we forego the opening logo and formalities to go straight
to the ring, where COMMISSIONER McFOLEY and the TV-PG-DLV ratings box are
holding court. APPROXIMATELY THE ENTIRE LOCKER ROOM surrounds the ring.
Tonight, Foley's going to conduct his own investigation. Did any of these
folks run down Stone Cold Steve Austin last year? Will we find
NOW we light the pyro and take our shots of the crowd - we're on tape from
the Bradley Center in Milwaukee, WI 21.9.2K (taped 19.9) and we're nearing
our last chance to put some finishing touches on Unforgiven. One man is
missing from the assemblage at ringside...
IF YA SMELLLLLLLL gets an entrance as he comes down to ringside to join the
crowd. But now, Foley speaks. "Now, we are gathered here today to find
out just who the hell ran over Stone Cold Steve Austin. And because nobody
feels like stepping up to the plate and saying 'okay, I did it,' the
commissioner of the World Wrestling Federation has decided to make a couple
of predictions. You see, I thought about just who had the most to gain by
running down Stone Cold last November, and hey, I know that my first
candidate - this may not be the most popular thing to come out of my mouth,
but at the time of Stone Cold's accident, there were two really, really big
stars in the WWF running neck and neck for popularity. Since Stone Cold
went down, one of these superstars saw his T-shirt sales go through the
roof, saw his popularity go through the roof, saw his ability to electrify
crowds go through the roof...and I hate to say it, but one of those
suspects is a former tag team partner of mine, and that, unfortunately,
would be you, Rock." Rock walks up and into the ring. "Out of respect for
everything you've done, out of respect for our friendship, I'm going to
give you a chance, in front of all these people, to explain your actions or
your inactions last November." Rock takes the stick. "Mick Foley, it
seems to the Rock that he's feeling a little...how do you say...deja vu?
Because see the Rock has already answered this time and time again. The
Rock has already told you that he didn't do it. The Rock has already told
the cops that he didn't do it. The Rock has told Stone Cold Steve Austin
himself that he didn't do it. Now, Mick Foley, as a best-selling author,
it seems you have a little problem understanding the English language. So
for your own benefit, let the Rock tell you one more time in plain, simple
English: the Rock did not run over Stone Cold. Now for further
clarification, let the Rock tell you in another language - let him tell you
in Swedish." Rock breaks into a Swedish Chef impersonation. This is
allegedly funny, according to the crowd. "Rock E!" "Now, Mick, if you
need even further clarification, let the Rock tell you in Chinese." Rock
gets extremely racist. Boy, how about that Guerrera/Mysterio match on
Thunder, huh? "Y'see, Mick Foley, it doesn't matter what language the Rock
tells you in. Because whether it happened then, or it didn't happen,
regardless of what happened to Stone Cold Steve Austin, the Rock would
still be standing before you WWF...Champion. If ya sssmell...what the
Rock...is cookin'." "To tell you the truth, Rock, I never thought you did
it anyway, but let's face up - there is a suspect out there who had an
awful lot to gain...a guy who's seen his career SKYROCKET since Stone Cold
went down...who's won WWF Championships, who's put me into retirement,
who's fought you tooth and nail - I'm talking about The Game - YOU, Triple
H! Come on up here and address the fans of Mick Rocky!" Is that like a
new way to say Milwaukee? Oh, did I mention Stephanie hit her one pose
when we took the reaction shot? Well, I did now. "Foley, we've been over
this a million times. This is ridiculous, all right? How many times does
everybody have to tell you - how many times do I have to tell you this
answer before you'll understand. You wanna know, did I set up Stone Cold
Steve Austin? You're damn right I did. I set him up for a beating. I set
him up to get his (beep) kicked. That's what I do, Mick, I beat people up.
I kick their (beep). And I am DAMN good at it. But I did NOT run Stone
Cold Steve Austin over in a car. I do not eliminate my enemies by running
them over with a car. If I wanted to eliminate Stone Cold Steve Austin, I
would look him dead in his two beady little eyes, face to face like a man
and I would beat his (beep), and YOU, more than anybody should know that I
can do it. But, Mick, you know I been thinking, trying to help you out,
and I've been thinking, maybe you're goin' about this the wrong way - I
mean, maybe you're lookin' at this all wrong. Maybe the person that ran
over Steve Austin didn't have some cold-blooded, maniacal plan. Maybe that
person was just a really bad driver. And we all know that, you know,
supposedly women are not very good drivers." Sexism! "And of everybody
here, I'm looking around this ring, of everybody here there's really nobody
closer to a woman than say...Kurt Angle. Kurt, you can try to hide it -
you can try to hide it, but ...it's true, it's true." Geez, what does that
say when H ignores all the "real" women of the WWF at ringside to allude to
Angle? I'm not sure that says more about the women...or Triple H. "Now
Kurt Angle, that is indeed a pretty heavy accusation Triple H just leveled
on you. Taking into account what you did for our country four years ago,
I'm going to give you the opportunity to address the fans right here in
Milwaukee, Wisconsin." "You just hold on a second, mister...you too...and
you too. In order to find out who ran down Stone Cold Steve Austin, what
we oughta be looking for it motive! What could be my motive? I beat guys
in the Olympic Games a LOT tougher than Stone Cold Steve Austin - it's
true, it's true. And why would I take out a guy just because he's a
foul-mouthed, beer-drinkin', trash talkin', poor role model for children
everywhere?" Lawler: "He doesn't drink THAT much beer..." "Wait a minute,
why is everybody looking at me? Why are you looking at me? Hold on a
second! Why aren't you looking at Essa Rios? Why can't it be him? Huh?
Why not Essa? I mean, everybody knows it's ALWAYS the quiet ones, and who
knows - maybe Stone Cold Steve Austin stole his green card, I don't know."
Rios steps in the ring and goes SuperAstros on us for a minute (en espanole
donde sea disponible). "See what I'm talking about? I think that was
Spanish for 'I'm a bad man...and I should be punished!' It's true, it's
true. And that's what I think, Mick. And if it wasn't him, if it wasn't
Essa, then obviously it had to be Triple H and DX, and THAT is true."
"Wait, wait - DX..." X-Pac joins the in-ring party. "No, no, no - hey,
hey that's a buncha crap. You know what? I'm sick and tired of everybody
pointing the finger at Triple H, pointing a finger at me, or my friends,
well you wanna know what, we didn't do it but I know who did - 'cause think
back, Survivor Series, somebody just coming into the WWF around that time,
kinda got off to a mediocre start, well if you go back and look at the
tape, you'll find that it was that rock and roll star wannabe Y2J that ran
over Austin!" "Y2J, what do you say - did you run over the Texas
rattlesnake?" "Hold on one second - hold on a second, junior - okay? As
much as I'd like to believe it was your scrawny (beep) who ran Austin down,
I think if you watch that videotape, you'll see that it was impossible for
you to be driving that car, yeah, that's true because you were to busy
involved in the valiant and brave task of setting Austin up and locking him
in the parking garage in the first place. I think - I think that Mr. Kirk
Angel had the best point of all when he brought up motives. Who had the
biggest motive to take Austin out of the picture? Who hated Austin more
than anybody else? Who's problem with Austin transcended business and
became 100% personal? Mick, I think if you look at it that way, it's quite
obvious, *especially* after what Austin did to her nerdy brother...what
Austin did to her genetic jackhammer of a father...and especially what
Austin was going to do to her soon-to-be husband at the time - well, I'm
not one to name names, Mick, but I think it's obvious that your culprit is
a FILTHY, DIRTY, DISGUSTING, BRUTAL, BOTTOM-FEEDING TRASHBAG TRAMP NAMED
STEPHANIE McMAHON-HELMSLEY." While X-Pac holds back Triple H, Stephanie
makes her way into the ring. "Wait, wait, just a second. Now certainly
Stephanie has done a lot of bad things here in the WWF, but Stephanie, are
you indeed capable of attempting vehicular homicide?" "Mick, this is
completely UNFAIR! You've seen the footage? You know that me, my brother,
my father, and the man that I defeated in the centre of the ring Monday
night, my ex-fiancee Test - we were all there on the scene when Austin was
being loaded into the ambulance. Th- There's no way we could have done it,
we weren't even there! But I'll tell you who I DO think did it, and that's
someone that you would never suspect, someone who wasn't even here the
night Austin was mowed down. And there's only one person with a heart
that's dark and twisted enough, who - who's remorseless, and - there's only
one person who fits that description, and that's the man who once abducted
me...the Undertaker!" Stephanie hits her one pose again. Undertaker
slowly makes HIS way up and through the ropes. "Undertaker, she brings up
a couple valid points, and what I wanna know is...is this true?" "It's
true. She *is* a sleazy tramp." While most of the folks in the ring
concern themselves with holding back Triple H, they fail to consider
holding back Angle, who delivers a forearm in the back. Triple H picks up
on a chance to beat down Angle, and starts to do so as Jericho and X-Pac
pair off, Benoit tries to hit the ring but Rock pops him one before he can
get off the apron, Rios just kinda stands there happy to be in the ring,
and the refs try to separate everybody. Play Mick's music! Your twenty
minutes is up and this segment is over!
TONIGHT: A big six-man main event pits Rock, Triple H & Undertaker (huh?)
against Chris Benoit, Kurt Angle and Kane! Remember, teaming with faces =
SCOTTY 2 HOTTY (with SmackDown! is brought to you by RC Edge, Crunch 'n
Munch, and Right Guard Xtreme Sport) v. BALD VENIS (with Steven Richards) -
Six man tonight! Lawler and Jericho team against Tazz and X-Pac tonight!
We'll have some more promos tonight! For now, it's another Too Cool/Right
to Censor clash. Venis strikes first - kick, right, right, right, right,
Hotty ducks the next one and they trade places in the corner - Hotty right,
right, right, right, right, right, right, stomp, stomp, stomp, stomp,
stomp, stomp, stomp, NOW THE LID COMES OFF, Venis tries to run at him but
Hotty ducks the clothesline - scoop...and a slam. Clothesline takes Venis
out. Hotty tries a baseball slide but Venis averts it and climbs back in
the ring. Hotty back up - kick through the ropes, over the ropes and over
Venis' back, superkick, cover...2. WALL BUCHANAN & GOODFATHER lumber down
the aisle at this point, and Hotty is only too happy to turn his back to
his in-ring opponent to watch them. Venis with a forearm to the back.
Stomp. Into the corner, followup clothesline. High vertical suplex. 1,
2, kickout. GRAND MASTER SEXAY is out as well, now. Scoop...and a slam by
Venis. Second rope elbowdrop misses. We just might hear from Austin
tonight! (Notice how we never hear from Austin on RAW? It's to make the
upcoming Monday a BIG BIG deal - subtle, but it'll work) Hotty with
"Iblockyourpunchyoudon'tblockmine," again, he's breaking, right hand, into
the ropes, reversed, TNN announcement, Richards grabs the ankle. Hotty
STILL manages to dump Venis over the top rope and to the floor despite
being rendered immobile. Now he's pulling *Richards* into the ring. Into
the corner, off the ropes, bulldog, hernia face, W O R M, hoo hoo hoo
hiiiiYA - no, Venis is back in and pounding him down just prior to the
karate chop (maybe he shouldn't have wasted all that time pre-chop...or
maybe he shouldn't have brought Richards into the ring AT ALL) - Venis with
the fishermanplex, and he just caught a fall. (2:37) Sexay throws shots
to the two men outside, then comes in to prevent Venis stomping any more on
his partnah. Sexay punching away...Goodfather and Buchanan have recovered,
and the numbers take over. Play their music! Cue booing! At Unforgiven,
all four Right to Censor members take on the Dudleyz and the Acolytes.
Pencil it in, baby!
In the dressing room, Triple H tells his wife how proud he is of his wife
defeating Test in the middle of the ring Monday. Talk again turns to Angle
as H says have Angle on his team was "kinda like having two women on the
team." "And what's that supposed to mean." "Well...nothing really, but
you just know how...those...types of guys are. They're, I mean, they're
not as good of athletes as *regular* guys." "WHAT types of guys?" "You
know...(hand motion)...Kurt, I mean - well I guess I really shouldn't say
that because, you know, there's been other Olympic athletes...Greg Louganis
was like that, and I mean...wasn't Carl Lewis like that too? Maybe those
guys ARE decent athletes, I don't know." Ohhhh, he's talking about GOLD
MEDALISTS (or gay guys). "I have no idea...Kurt's not like that. Wow,
flowers!" The knock at the door is a delivery of a lovely bouquet. And
there's a card! "Congratulations on beating Test Monday night on RAW.
Just wanted to let you know I'm thinking about you and I'm proud of you.
Seeing you succeed brings me great joy. Love, your friend, Kurt." "Kurt
is so sweet!" "He's very sensitive." "He's thoughtful!" "Those are
really nice flowers." "They are." "They must have been out of PANSIES..."
THE HARDY BOYZ & LITA (with the WWF.com logo) hit the ring. Matt: "Edge,
Christian, this Sunday at Unforgiven, you will face the Hardy Boyz in a
fifteen foot, unforgiving, steel cage! And the embarrassment ends for us
and begins for you! We will become--" but on the OvalTron appear Edge &
Christian, in funny wigs and crazy blazers. They've embarrassed them many,
many times in the past, and Sunday is the last time. But tonight, they're
going to "showcase their talents...by way of film." They air a vintage
1990-ish video of Matt Hardy (as High Voltage) and Jeff Hardy (as
Wolverine) cutting promos. Matt looks a lot like the ham'n'egger I used to
make fun of for wearing "HV" tights in his squash matches six years ago on
RAW. "You know what, Matt, I didn't think it was possible, but your
interview skills have actually deteriorated since then!" Jeff's got a
Ultimate Warrior-esque facepaint job and rather hideous looking flat top.
On the plus side, that appears to be his natural hair colour. "YOW is
right!" They now air "an action sequence - High Voltage enters the ring."
It's a shot of Matt doing some dancing. "A relishing round of
indifference!" Edge & Christian approach the wall where the video is
airing and start dancing with him. I can't put into words how funny, yet
bizarre this is. Five years from now somebody will probably do this with
my 1995 public access appearances. Anyway, the Hardyz and Lita have
FINALLY had enough of this and leave the ring to find Edge and Christian...
Your hosts are a pair of kings, MICHAEL KING COLE & JERRY LAWLER.
Backstage we look, where our intrepid heroes are conducting a hard target
search. After two or three hallways, they come across the projected image,
but nobody's there. Jeff turns on a light...and Christian storms in,
pushing Matt into Lita into the wall, while Edge brains Jeff with a chair.
Christian also grabs a chair - UNPRETTYER ON MATTHEW! "When are you gonna
learn you can't beat us, huh?"
RAW is WAR ad - it's moving to TNN! Wow, that new TNN logo is kinda lame,
ain't it? I think they stole it from KTEH. Maybe KTEH can sue Viacom and
make enough money to cancel a few years' worth of pledge breaks. Hey,
that's a pretty damn good idea - somebody take a letter for me
Crunch 'n Munch ad - would they please break up Too Cool and Rikishi so I
don't have to see this ad anymore?
Chyna shills Stacker 2 - it makes you want to pose nude for Playboy
Moments Ago, Lita meets the wall while the Hardyz meet chairs
WWF HARDCORE CHAMPIONSHIP: AL SNOW (en espanol donde sea disponible - y
Cabeza) v. STEVE BLACKMAN (with Riggs & Murtaugh) - Snow comes to the ring
with a flamenco theme ("Cabeza!") wearing Tito Santana's old poodle,
carrying a cape, pinata, picture of Ricardo Montalban and with Head, of
course, wearing a sombrero. Blackman shouldn't turn his back on
Snow...WHEN HEAD CHEESE COLLIDES! Snow wields the mighty pinata and that's
how it starts. Referee "Blind" Jim Korderas fails to pocket any of the
sweets, instead kicking them out of the ring while Snow gets to stomping
and punching. Into the ropes, clotehsline, elbowdrop, stomp, stomp, stomp,
Snow going outside to find some TNN - I mean, weaponry. Will we see the
infamous bowling ball shot? Snow back in and the garbage can lid gets the
first use. WHACK. Down goes Blackman! Snow outside for some more props.
Snow works on dismantling the STEEL steps while Blackman goes outside and
waits on him. Chair to the steps - and Snow drops, the steps falling on
him. Back in the ring - Blackman finds his sticks - and his catchphrase!
"Ohh...it's PARTY TIME!" But before he can do it, PERRY SATURN runs out
with an ALTO sign (okay, it's a STOP sign) and with referee "Blind" Chad
Patton right behind him. I guess this is STILL a 24/7 belt after all.
WHACK! WHACK for Snow! Northern Lights suplex on Blackman - Cole, with
disdain for Tazz AND this reporter, calls it a "fisherman's suplex" - it
gets 2. NIPPLES is out as well. And now TEST is out as well, with a
garbage can and referee "Blind" Jack Doan. Saturn takes the can in the
face. Test right, right, right, Blackman right, Test right, into the
buckle, reversed, ALBERT is out and *he's* got referee "Blind" Mike Chioda
with HIM. Albert saves his tag team partner and now they're doubleteaming
him. Into the corner, do si do whip, into the big boot. Snow cans Test
while Saturn turns to Albert. Blackman works on recovering and letting
these guys beat on each other. Blackman finds his sticks and works on
hitting everyone about a hundred times. Fortunately for him, Snow, Saturn,
Test and Albert only insist on attacking him one at a time, black ninja
style. Blackman sets up Albert for the stick-in-the-crotch slam, but Snow
is back up and he's got a lid - WHACK on the back. Saturn clotheslines
Blackman out of the ring, and Snow whacks Albert. Now, from out of the
crowd appear CRASH and referee "Blind" Teddy Long - Crash has a handicapped
parking sign - WHACK - cover - 1, 2, KICKOUT!! in the ring, T&A double
press and drop Saturn. Now KAI EN TAI are out with referee "Blind" Mike
Sparks - they seem unclear on the concept, as they completely overlook
Blackman and just start randomly whacking people with their flags. It's
TOTALLY broken down now. Saturn with an Asai moonsault on the pile!!
Blackman grabs a lid and works on the only folks left in the ring - Kai and
Tai. "Oh, we're gonna have some fun now!" Discus lid shot to Tai.
Throwing a garbage can to Kai - of course, he catches is so Blackman can
superkick the can into his face. Lawler: "Why do they always catch the
can?" Blackman covers Taka - 1, 2, 3. (3:38) Blackman takes off while
Snow wonders just where his life went wrong.
NEXT: Stone Cold Steve Austin SPEAKS!
SmackDown! challenge graphic. Gosh, don't Gore and Bush look TINY compared
to Jesse Ventura? That's how they MEANT it to appear.
Earlier Today, several fans said what the WWF cameras wanted to hear. Is
that guy related to Bob Holly? He looks JUST like him...but with hair
Thanks to WWFvote.com, 90,000 new voters have been registered - some of
them might even vote!
WWF SmackDown! will continue - but first, some more ads
Here's an exterior shot of the Bradley Center - looks windy out there
Via videotape from his home in Victoria, Texas, it's STONE COLD STEVE
AUSTIN. "You know, I'm not really surprised that the little yella (beep)
that run me over at Survivor Series hadn't come forward and confessed - and
to tell you the truth, it would almost taken all the fun out of it for old
Stone Cold Steve Austin. So what I'm gonna do is roll into Unforgiven this
Sunday and open up my own personal investigation - and that's not the only
thing I'm gonna open up, and I think you know what I mean! Stone Cold
Steve Austin is gonna open up the biggest can of whoop(beep) the World
Wrestling Federation has ever seen, and in my book, every WWF Superstar is
a suspect - and in Austin's court of law, your (beep) is guilty until
Our commentators remark on what we just heard. Lawler isn't allowed to say
"No Chance in Hell" is playing? Hey, look, it's SKIPPY (with TV-PG-DLV
ratings box & RAW is WAR TNN ad). Sign in crowd: "BRING BACK DOINK" -
well, this is close, right? "I came out here tonight for two reasons. The
first is, I would like to thank all of you - the vast majority of you that
sent card, flowers and get well wishes to me as I have been recuperating
from my match at SummerSlam. The second reason that I came out here this
evening is to talk about the much-anticipated return of one Stone Cold
Steve Austin. I'll get to Mr. Austin in a second. See, during my match at
SummerSlam with the Lethal Weapon Steve Blackman, we ended up over on the
Titantron - climbing high, high, high as Blackman chased me up to the very
top of the Titantron, where it seemed to me to be in the stratosphere. As
Blackman then hit me for the third time with a kendo stick, I plummeted
down, down, down, crashing through the tech area. The next thing I know, I
wake up in a local hospital in Raleigh-Durham, North Carolina, all alone,
in the dark, and scared out of my mind. I did not know how bad my injuries
really were. But I'm thankful that the doctors' assessment, that my
injuries were not as bad as the doctors first thought...so I was quickly
released, and sent back home to begin intense physical rehibilitation for
my body. And then I had been enduring pain, and there a profound influence
has come over my life, an inspiration, and that inspiration is none other
than Stone Cold Steve Austin himself. Because while I'm sitting at home, I
said man, Stone Cold Steve Austin, when I heard that Austin was returning
here to the World Wrestling Federation this Sunday at Unforgiven, it
inspired me. Because, I mean, my God, Stone Cold Steve Austin was hit by a
two thousand pound, speeding automobile, launched up into the air, and
Stone Cold Steve Austin truly is the toughest SOB the world has EVER seen.
Now, if Austin can overcome those monumental obstacles, I knew that I can
overcome my little ones, and that's what's got me up, and that's what's
gotten me healthy, and that's what's gotten me back here in this ring. So
Stone Cold Steve Austin, I know you're watching, I know you can hear me -
Austin, this Sunday at Unforgiven, I am going to help you. I am
volunteering my services to help you find out exactly who tried to take you
out. I'm sensing some doubters in here, that you think I'm trying to cover
my own backside. Well, let me take you back to last November - let's go
back to the Survivor Series, and let me attract your attention over here to
the Ovaltron, and let's take a look. There's Austin -right there. Look at
this - WHAM! That car just took Stone Cold Steve Austin out - that cold
hearted, callous driver, we're gonna find out exactly who that driver was,
and that driver will pay in the Stone Cold Court of Law. But just to make
sure, to set the record straight, the first person out there was none other
than my pops, Vinnie Mac, my sister Stephanie, and myself. Yes, we were
out there, so just to make everyone know, to set the record clear,
obviously no one in my family had anything to do with Stone Cold being hit
by the car. However, what that tape does not show is the one person whose
history leads me to believe *beyond the shadow of a doubt* that they took
out Stone Cold Steve Austin deliberately. And this Sunday at Unforgiven,
Shane-o Mac is gonna show exactly who took Stone Cold Steve Austin out...to
Stone Cold and to each and every one of you watching!" Well, I think I
know who Shane thinks it is...did you hear what I heard?
We cut to the dressing room, where Triple H sits next to his beaming wife.
"Did you, uh, did you see that? Did you hear what your brother said?"
"You know, I bet he DOES know who hit Austin." "No, not that. Shane just
said, uh, he was in the hospital all night after the pay-per-view...that he
was by himself. I thought you said you were with him." Stephanie says
Shane had a pretty bad concussion - he probably wouldn't have remember his
mother in the room. Doesn't he believe her? "oh no! Oh no, of course I
believe you! I believe you!" Stephanie leaves the room and we don't get
much of a chance to read H's face...
It's a big double main event at Unforgiven - the Fatal Four-Way for the
title, and Triple H vs. Kurt Angle! And it's SUNDAY!!
Chris Jericho eats ravioli
Here's a look at WWF New York - yeeha
JERRY LAWLER (already in the ring) and CHRIS THURSDAY JERICHO v.
TAZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ and X-PAC - I thought Lawler and Tazz weren't supposed
to touch each other until Sunday? Oh well. X-Pac makes some unkind moves
Jericho's way, so Jericho goes after him. X-Pac exits through the ropes -
and Tazz waylays Jericho from behind. We're off! Right, right, into the
ropes, duck, flying jalapeno by Jericho! Cole actually mentions (thanks be
to post-production) that the Zero Tolerance Policy between Tazz and Lawler
has been waived. Jericho off the ropes, bulldog, 1, 2, no. Tag to Lawlere
- Tazz backs off and tags X-Pac. X-Pac with a brief martial arts display.
Lawler regards this - then unleashes his RIGHT HAND. Just added to the
Unforgiven card is a "Hardcore Open Invitational Match" - all former
Hardcore Champions are invited to take on Steve Blackman. Is that ho gonna
be there? What about Jerry Brisco? Nope, Cole lists Blackman, Snow,
Saturn, Funaki, Crash and Test. Ten minute time limit and the man scoring
the last pinfall within the time limit will be named champion.
Interesting. X-Pac, angered, nips up and dares Lawler to come at him again
with that shit. Lockup, to the corner, X-pac elbow, right, right, right,
Lawler turns it around, RIGHT HAND, RIGHT HAND, RIGHT HAND. Into the
ropes, reversed, head down, Lawler going for the piledriver but Tazz throws
a forearm to the back of the head to break it up. In the corner, X-Pac
hits his kick trifecta. Going for the broncobuster - but Lawler puts up a
foot and meets X-Pac in a delicate area! Lawler with a hot tag - Jericho
in, clothesline, off the ropes with a clothesline, off the ropes near Tazz,
who waffles him - Jericho turns around and decks HIM off the apron, then
turns back...right into a spinning heel kick from X-Pac. Tag to Tazz.
Right, kick, kick, into the opposite corner, Jericho tries to put up a boot
but Tazz catches it - whoops, didn't see the enzuigiri coming, though. Tag
to Lawler! RIGHT HAND! Tazz rolls under the rope as X-Pac comes in -
kick, RIGHT HAND, RIGHT HAND, into the ropes, head down, X-Pac tries to
duck but then notices Lawler's head is down (oops), so he goes for a kick
but THAT is ducked, RIGHT HAND, going for the piledriver again but Tazz is
back in and he's got the strap - whip! Referee "Blind" Mike Chioda calls
for the bell. Of COURSE X-Pac didn't job! You're not SURPRISED, are you?
(DQ 2:52) Tazz puts the Tazzmission on Lawler, but Jericho comes in,
breaks it up and tosses him out. Then HE grabs the strap and uses it on
X-Pac! Whip! Whip! Jericho and X-Pac run up the aisle as Lawler watches
- but Tazz is back in and ready to strike, choking Lawler with the strap!
King works on turning his face several different shades while some more
REFS come in to break it up. Tazz goes outside and laughs heartily as his
Backstage we go for the next chapter in the Chyna and Eddie saga. "I don't
understand, Eddie...and lately, I just don't know." "Don't know what,
baby?" "Don't CALL me that, Eddie! Do you think I'm an idiot? You think
I don't know that you weren't as sick as you were making out to be? Look,
I went out there to face Rikishi because you wanted me to - because you
ASKED me to, because I thought that you would have done the same for me!"
"I would have done anything for you - I mean, I went out there, I was sick,
I was coughing, I had cramps, I had fever!" "Don't gimme that CRAP, Eddie!
You left me alone out there - you left me alone, I got the Banzai Drop from
Rikishi. All you had to do was walk down when he asked you to, to protect
me. But you couldn't do it, could ya? Why, Eddie, you tell me why."
"Hey, look, okay? As far as I'm concerned, I know you guys are friends, I
didn't think he was gonna try and hurt you! And I knew he wanted me, okay?
I mean, if I would have gone into that ring, things could have gotten a lot
worse, okay?" "Don't give me that CRAP, Eddie!" She throws a bottle
against the door, breaking it (the bottle - not the door). "I am sick of
your lies. I am sick of your temper, and I am sick of it all, because you
are not the same person that I fell in love with, Eddie." And she walks
out the door. "Don't leave me, come on, where are you going? AHHHH!" And
Eddie kicks the door around a bit.
Probably not the best time to cut to a chipper Chyna shilling Stacker
Moments Ago, Eddie beat up a defenseless potted plant.
Your *new* pair of kings are ringside are Michael King Cole and LARRY KING.
Lawler is being attended to by EMT's.
EDDIE GUERRERO is out, alone, carrying a bouquet of roses and baby's
breath. "Y'know, there's one person in this world that means more to me
than life itself. And I've done a lot of wrong to this person, so I wanna
take the opportunity right now to clear the air in front of all the world,
in front of all the people. Chyna, Mamacita, please, before you walk out
of my life... please, if you have ANY love for me, and if you've HAD any
love for me, please come down, just hear me out. Just hear what I have to
say to you, please. Please, Chyna, come on, Mamacita. t'llamo, I love you
baby, come on." Well, hit the lights and play the music 'cause here's
BAZOOKA JO(ANI)E (without bazooka). Ross says he's seen an advance copy of
Playboy and Chyna is "unreal," which seems a typical *careful* choice of
words for Good Ol', naah mean? Eddie parts the ropes for Chyna. "Don't
treat me like a woman!" goes the song. Well, Eddie's giving her what she
WANTS. RIGHT?!? I bet he proposes. "These are for you, baby." Chyna
takes the flowers - and smacks him with them. "Okay - okay - I can
understand you're a little mad, okay? But, ya gotta see it from my point
of view, I mean I thought I was losing you, okay? You - I thought I - you
were sliding away...I didn't wanna lose you, Chyna." "Eddie, I think I've
heard this all before, and I'm a little tired of hearing it." She turns to
walk away, he grabs her arm to spin her back, but she's ready to backhand
him. "Hey eyeyeyey - everything I have said and everything I have done,
I've done out of LOVE, okay? Chyna, I mean come on, you're a superstar -
everybody knows that. You're the 9th wonder of the world, baby. I mean,
what am I? I'm NOTHING. You have it all. What could *I* ever possibly
offer you, Chyna, what could I ever offer you that you don't already have?"
"The only thing I ever wanted from you, Eddie, was love. That's it."
"Well you have that love, baby! You have it all! Okay, no - no, look I
know I was jealous, okay? I'm not gonna be jealous anymore. I'm not gonna
be overprotective anymore. Okay? I mean, yeah okay I freaked out when I
saw the pictorial of Playboy, but you got to see it from my point of view,
okay? The only thing that I have in life - the only one thing that belongs
to me is you...and I have to share that now with the rest of the world.
Okay...okay, I was wrong. Okay? I know I'm wrong. I mean, you got a
gorgeous, magnificent body, I mean you're awesome. And I just wanna prove
to you that from now on, baby, I'm gonna be so supportive of you, I'm gonna
be the best supporter, the best partner you've ever had in life, and I'm
gonna prove it to you - look, turn around, turn around, I got a surprise
for you. Lookit the OvalTron, okay?" Chyna's music fires up and we take a
look at the Playboy cover. "I mean, how could *I* EVER, ever keep this
from all the world? I mean, you are awesome, baby, and everybody knows it!
You should be proud of yourself, because I know that I - *I* am extremely
proud of you - you have no idea." They embrace. "I'm so proud of you -
serious. I mean, what you did was fantastic, okay? I mean it. I know
I've been wrong all this time." But this happy moment is interrupted as
RIKASHMONEY comes out with a smile on his face. "Chyna, you look GOOD
tonight! You know, and I know that Rikishi and Milwaukee has got nothin'
but luv for you! But not that snake standing by you, filling your head up
with nothing but lies. You see, hear me out girlfriend - girlfriend,
lookit me. Hear me out now. You know Monday I could have really hurt you,
but I chose not to, because me and you are buddies like that, you know.
But not that snake right there. You see, I gave him a chance to come in
there to help you and he chose not to. What I'm really trying to say
is...what the whole world sees, Chyna, that Eddie is not good for you."
"HEY ese! Why don't you mind your own business and get the hell outta
here? This is between me and Mamacita!" "'Hey ese? Why don't you mind
your own business and get the hell outta here' - shut your mouth, bitcho
burrito. And Chyna, before I go, I need to let you know something else - I
got a very personal friend of mine who works at the Playboy headquarters in
Chicago - of Security. And he gave me something that I need to show you.
You know, Eddie, you always talkin' about how you support yo woman, well
you got a funny way of showing it, homeboy. I'm gon' see you at Unforgiven
- roll the tape - right." A security tape dated Monday shows two guys
throwing Eddie out and failing to get him a meeting with Christy Hefner.
Eddie throws a tantrum 'pon learning that the magazine is out Monday. We
look back at Chyna, who is making some sort of dramatic face. Eddie makes
a hangdog expression. Chyna starts to leave... "Where you goin'? Don't -
Chyna, Chyna, I wasn't thinking straight baby-" "How could you, Eddie?"
"No, don't - don't, I wasn't thinking straight. I mean, come on, gimme a
break! Don't listen to them! Baby, I love you! Don't, don't leave!"
"Eddie, my heart can't take this anymore...I'm sorry." To his knees.
"Chyna - no, baby, no.... baby, you're the world. You mean everything to
me. If you leave, if you leave, I die. I mean, Chyna...I can't picture a
world without you, I can't picture not seeing you smile, I can't picture
not seeing you laugh - I mean - a p - I can't picture a world without
Chyna. There was a world without you, there's no reason to live! I mean,
baby, I love you, you're my soulmate, and I can't live withoutcha - if you
leave, I die. What I'm trying to get at..." Oh oh, he's reaching into his
pocket... "What are you doing, Eddie?" "Chyna, wait - just hear me out,
okay? Please. I can't live without you. I want you forever. Will you
marry me?" Yup, there's a ring. Check out that rock! Chyna cries - is
she smiling? Crowd: "Just say no! Just say no!" An eternity passes.
"Yes - yes, Eddie, I'll marry you." Crowd boos with gusto. Big hug in the
ring. "Latino Heat!" Eddie puts the ring on Chyna's finger.
Here's another look at that Playboy cover. On Monday (on TNN), they'll air
some exclusive behind-the-scenes footage! No nudity, though.
We take one more look at the couple as they embrace - pausing to check
Eddie's face for hidden motives...hmmm....
Meanwhile, Kane is pacing about - he's part of that six-man
...the same six man with this graphic. It's TONIGHT!
"RAW is WAR" TNN ad - again
WALL BUCHANAN & GOODFATHER (already in the ring, with Steven Richards &
Bald Venis) v. ACOLYTES (already in the ring) - we're running super late,
folks, no time for entrances. Venis interferes, TOO COOL show up, suddenly
this segment looks like every "ECW on TNN" segment during the middle half
hour as Bradshaw hits the Hades clothesline on Buchanan for the pin (we saw
0:48) Goodfather on Bradshaw, clotheslining him outside. Venis with the
Censorbomb on Sexay, Goodfather with the Censor Drop on Hotty. THOSE DAMN
DUDLEYZ run out and clear the ring of anybody wearing a white shirt. Play
their music! Too Cool wants the Dudleyz to dance...AND they'd like the
Acolytes to dance! They're ready to leave - but the Dudleyz pull them
back. The Dudleyz put Dudley frames on Too Cool. They cut the wrestling
to show this, folks. NOW IS THE TIME ON SPROCKETS WHEN WE DANCE! Go
figure - Faarooq has rhythm and Bradshaw does not. Commentators talk about
TNN as Bradshaw dances and the turnbuckle pyro goes off.
KING KURT ANGLE (with wwf.com logo - and Earlier Tonight) and CHRIS BENOIT
(with Let Us Take You Back to Fully Loaded) and WELL IT'S KANE (with Let Us
Take You Back Two Weeks) v. HEY HEY HEY HEY (on A Beautiful Titan Bike,
with RAW is WAR ad & the Lugz Boot of the Week) & AD BREAK - Hmm, twenty
minutes left in the show - I guess we'll need six, maybe seven entrances or
so. Why do they keep calling it a "six person match" when all six are men?
C'mon, call it a six MAN already. As Angle enters the ring, we take a look
at Undertaker calling Stephanie a tramp - and Angle taking umbrage, and
taking it out on 'Taker. As Benoit comes out, they replay the Fully Loaded
false finish with Howard Finkel announcing Benoit the new WWF Champion,
just to let you know it COULD happen on Sunday. Hey, why isn't Shane out
with Benoit, then? As Kane comes out, we take a look at Kane's chokeslam
of Rock on the commentary table. By gum, those STEEL steps have levitated
over to the barricade and stood on end! HOW does he get them to DO that?
The Lugz Boot of the Week is Undertaker's chokeslam of Rock through a table
(from last week's SmackDown!) and Undertaker's powerbomb and pin of Rock
(from RAW). Whew, I'm getting dizzy. Let's break for four minutes or so.
Buy RC Edge and get WWF posters!
In the local slot, Vince McMahon tells me that the XFL is real football.
Does their theme music sound like the "Brawl for All" theme or am I
"The Season Premiere is almost here!" Pretty nice promo for next week's
SmackDown! - Austin returns, Chyna talks about her Playboy shoot, and "a
barrage of shocking surprises that will BLOW YOU AWAY!" The only problem
with this ad is Road Dogg and X-Pac are chums in it, but better together
than taking up twice the time, right? Yuk yuk...
KING KURT ANGLE & CHRIS BENOIT & WELL IT'S KANE v. THE GHOST RIDER and THE
NEW MAN (with Stephanie Ono - and RC Edge presents Unforgiven - SUNDAY!)
and IF YA SMELLLLLLLLLL - wow, HOW'D they manage to squeeze in a fifth
match tonight? Ross finally gets with the program and says that the Rock
*doesn't* have to be involved in the finish. Benoit starts...and after a
discussion on the other side, Triple H stays in to face him. Hey, who told
Ross we wanted to hear him start yakking about Stone Cold Steve Austin
again? Lockup, jostling for position, H takes him to the corner, referee
"Blind" Earl Hebner wants a clean break and he won't get it, Benoit
switches positions, H ducks and switches back, right, right, right, kick,
kick, kick, turning to Hebner to get him off his case, turning back into a
kick from Benoit, another kick, kick, kick, into the ropes, duck, H with a
high knee. Off the ropes, Benoit with a hot shot. Benoit over to his
corner and a rather brusque tag for Kane - so he puts him in a choke.
Angle comes in to try to get THEM separated, and succeeds...but at the cost
of absorbing an uppercut from Kane. Meanwhile, Helmsley is over to sneak
in a clothesline that takes Kane to the outside - but he lands on his feet.
H over to grab Angle, right, head to the buckle, right, into the opposite
corner, Angle tries to reverse but H just pulls him back to the original
corner, gutshot, going for the Pedigree but Angle counters with a double
leg takedown, H kicks Angle backwards with both feet and AGAIN he hits the
turnbuckle hard. Angle drops down for the ol' "headbutt in the graun" spot
and H is starting to believe his own rumours, for he catches Angle's head
approaching his short hairs and quickly backs off, frightened. Crowd takes
delight as shivers run through Helmsley's body. H quickly tags Undertaker.
Angle tags Benoit. Benoit doesn't mind the height disadvantage, quickly
tying up with the Reaper. 'Taker shoves him down. Into the corner,
soupbone, left, soupbone, soupbone, soupbone, soupbone, soupbone, "WHAT?"
for Hebner, "sorry, sir" from Hebner, back elbow for Benoit. Into the
opposite corner, swooped up onto his shoulder and powerslammed down. Cover
- 2. Into the ropes, big boot. Elbowdrop. TNN plug. 2 count. Arm
wringer. "Old school!" ropewalk and forearm to the back of the neck.
Right for Angle drops him to the floor. Kane manages to pull his brother
down in a hot shot, though, and 'Taker staggers backwards into a death
suplex from Benoit. Gutshot, kick, forearm, forearm, 'Taker ties himself
in the ropes. Kick, kick, Hebner trying to pull him away but no dice. Tag
to Kane. Right, right, right, 'Taker FINALLY unties himself. Another
right from Kane. 'Taker puts up a boot, but runs into a clothesline. Into
the ropes, head down, Undertaker hits a DDT. Tag to Rock! Right, right,
ight, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, into
the ropes is reversed, big boot by Kane. Wow, how'd he absorb all them
rights? Maybe Rock needs to learn some more devastating moves.
(whistling) Kane puts Rock in the corner, and HE unleashes a right.
Right, right, right, turning to Hebner - what a busybody he is - then
turning back just when Rock magically recovers and HE'S back to right,
right, right, right, Kane uppercut, right, into the ropes, reversed,
spinebuster. Benoit in with a clothesline, as if to say "THAT'S what you
get for performing a *wrestling move!*" Kane scoops up Rock - powerslam
off the shoulder. Hard tag to Angle. "Ow, that hurts!" Right hand.
Stomp, stomp, stomp, stomp, Rock blocks the punch, right, right, right,
into the ropes is reversed, but holds on following the reversal, and drops
Rock with a waistlock, belly-to-back suplex. Cover, leg is hooked - 2.
Stephanie applauding Angle, we notice. Right hand by Angle, right, right,
right, right, right, right, right, right, right, hmmm, Angle must have
learned this from Rock. ANOTHER right. Into the ropes, Rock reverses and
hits an overhead belly-to-belly suplex. See where Angle went wrong? He
strayed from the punches and attempted an Irish whip into the ropes. Don't
make me pull out a chalkboard here, folks. Both men are down and
everybody's reaching for a tag. Rock looks to be thinking about which man
to tag - and settles on Triple H. Big right. Into the corner, kick, kick,
kick, kick, stomp, stomp, stomp, stomp, stomp, into the opposite corner is
reversed (d'oh!) - H ducks the clothesline to hit the neckbreaker. Right,
into the ropes is reversed (aie!), head down, facebuster. I think H WANTS
them to reverse the whip - if he actually succeeded in it, I don't think
he'd know what to do! 1, 2, Benoit drops an elbow to break it up - then
throws Rock a shot while he's over there. Rock comes in - right, right,
right, right, hock ptui right sends Benoit outside. Rock goes out after
him and runs his head into the side of the STEEL steps (which are standing
on end at the Undertaker's request, you will recall). Rock taking Benoit
over to the commentary table - Cole and Ross think about scattering.
Meanwhile, back in the ring, H has Angle - gutshot, Pedigree! But Kane is
in - CHOKESLAM! Undertaker is over - soupbone, soupbone, soupbone,
clotheslined to the outside. Undertaker goes back to his corner and
demands that H snap out of unconsciousness and tag in his dead ass already.
At the same time, Kane and Benoit (or, if you're Ross, "Angle") are
doubleteaming Rock up the ramp. Undertaker decides he'd better go save
Rock again - we don't get to see if he says "God DAMN" before he does it
this time or not. 'Taker throws about ten soupbones all told to keep the
upper hand on both Kane and Benoit before THE OTHER SIX REFS come out to
try to get all these men separated. Benoit and Kane decide to take off.
Rock holds his ribs. Undertaker goes back to his bike - is he gonna run
him over? Well, he sure tried - Rock rolled out of the way at the last
moment. Undertaker disappears behind the curtain. Rock staggers backstage
as well. Well, back to the ring, where Angle and H have apparently been
out cold this whole time...but Hebner never got to ten. Stephanie decides
to climb up on the apron as both men make it to their feet - Angle with a
right, H with a right, Angle with a right, H with a right, lather, rinse,
repeat, H with "Iblockyourpunchyoundon'tblockmine" to break it up, right,
right, Angle rakes the face, into the ropes, reversed, Angle collides with
Stephanie, sending her ot the floor. Angle, of course, is overcome with
guilt and stares at Stephanie until H can get up behind him with a
schoolboy for the fall. (9:13) H falls to his knees and pretends to cry,
a la Angle. H over to check on his wife - and Angle picks him up and drops
him with the Olympic Slam! Stephanie lets out a "How could you?" but he
just did. And NOW Angle is outside and hunting under the ring - he's found
a sledgehammer. Stephanie begs him not to swing - but he does. Stomp,
stomp, Stephanie swings him around and readies her slappin' hand - but
Angle catches it - then PLANTS one on her. He's kissing Stephanie all the
way down to the mat! Angle with another big grin...and the stick: "Hey
Hunter, when you catch your wind - ask your *wife* if I kiss like a pansy.
And one last thing, Hunter - who's crying now?" Play his music! Roll the
credits! See you Sunday!
Christopher Robin Zimmerman