by Christopher Robin Zimmerman
WrestleLine/WrestleManiacs
You know the one thing I HAVEN'T heard advanced to explain Monday's low
ratings for RAW was "absence of a twenty minute interview segment to open
the show" - I wonder if anybody actually tried that one over at the WWFE
towers. Probably some writer did.
UPN - Thursday!
One World Leader TV-PG-DLV Attitude - WWF!
Clips from Monday - Rikishi and Austin
Opening Credits
PYRO! Transmitido en espanol SAP! From the Gund Arena in Cleveland, OH
19.10.2K (taped 17.10) and broadcast on the UPN, this is WWF SmackDown!
TONIGHT: Jim Ross sits down with Stone Cold Steve Austin! Women's title on
the line as Lita takes on Trish Stratus! Toinght's main event is a four
corners match - Rock, Triple H, Kurt Angle, and Chris Benoit! But let's
start with a lot of folks in the ring, and one more on his way...
COMMISSIONER McFOLEY walks down and joins the six tag teams already in the
ring. "Thank you very much. I guess probably everyone here is wondering
why we have all these great tag teams assembled inside this ring, and I'm
gonna get to that in just a minute. You also probably all know the last
couple weeks have been difficult on me as the commissioner - a lot of guys
in the back kind of lost faith. There is one wrestler I'd like to point
out who has been a true friend throughout all of this, and he is Jerry 'the
King' Lawler, so, King, thank you very much. (Lawler seems taken aback.)
But, now that it is all behind me, I am more than ready to put on one heck
of a show...right here in Cleveland, Ohio! We are going to start out
tonight's edition of SmackDown! with none other than a tag team battle
royal. The winner of the tag team battle royal will go on to face the
Hardy Boyz at No Mercy. This is how the game is played...when one member
of a tag team is thrown over the top rope so that both feet touch the
floor, both members of that tag team hit the road. The last tag team left
will take on the Hardyz at No Mercy; now, boys, those are the rules, have a
nice, and let's ring the bell and get it on!
TAG TEAM BATTLE ROYAL - There's *seven* teams - sorry. The most over man
in this match is....the table. We are told that Edge & Christian weren't
allowed in this match due to Foley's previous ruling barring them from tag
team title shots. First elimination is Test, at the hands of Bradshaw
(1:24) T&A pull Faarooq out under the bottom rope and get to doubleteaming
him for some revenge. Bradshaw spots THIS and goes over the top rope to
save his partner...and apparently eliminating his team in the process.
Doofus. (1:46) All four men continue to brawl on the outside until the
refs get them separated. D'Lo Brown tosses Scotty 2 Hotty, but the
Acolytes catch him and put him back in the ring. Goodfather and Bull
Buchanan get dumped by Too Cool (2:23). Holy cats, TIGER ALI SINGH is in
the front row! I know *one* guy that'll be happy to see him...the rest of
us will ust be confused. Grand Master Sexay hits a crossbody on Chaz, but
unfortunately eliminates himself as well. (3:07) Scotty 2 Hotty goes
ahead and hits the bulldog and W O R M on D'Lo Brown despite the fat that
they've both been eliminated. Whoops, Conquistador 1 tosses Hotty before
the karate chop can land. It's the men in gold and the Dudley Boyz left in
the ring as Too Cool and Lo Down fight on the outside. Crowd chants for
the table again. Buh-Buh Ray tosses Conquistador 1...but the refs are
still occupied on the other side of the ring and don't see it. "Wassup"
spot on 2. D-Von, get the table. Unfortunately, Buh-Buh Ray gets dumped
from behind while watching D-Von get the table (getting his arm caught in
the ropes in the process - ouch) and the Merengueros get the shot. (5:03)
We look backstage to see if Austin's arrived...nope. But here's a black
limousine pulling up. Coming out are...Triple H...AND Stephanie
McMahon-Helmsley! H gallantly offers to carry Stephanie's luggage. We are
told they are not yet aware of the four corners match...let's come back
after these short words and see how they react!
When we come back, the Helmsleys are berating Earl Hebner for the main
event. Earl tells them not to shoot Just Joe, and then points them in
Foley's direction.
Let Us Take You Back to Moments Ago, where the Dudleyz were "screwed."
KEVIN "NAILZ" KELLY stands with the Conquistadors, but before they say a
word, Edge & Christian enter the picture and offer their heartiest
congratulations...as well as a request for the first title shot after they
win on Sunday... hmm....
WWF HARDCORE CHAMPIONSHIP: TAZZZZZZZZZ v. STEVE BLACKMAN (with Riggs &
Murtaugh) - We need Stevie Ray as colour commentator on this show so he can
say "HIS house!" a few hundred times...forget Skipper, *Blackman's* where
it's at! Tazz dares him to come at him, so Blackman tries a Lethal Kick on
the ramp - it's ducked, and here we go. Tazz with a clothesline. Stomp,
right, right, garbage can lid. Into the barricade is reversed. Blackman
crotches him on the barricade - discus garbage can lid to the back of the
head. Into the crowd we go...I wonder if they'll get near Singh? Out to
the tech area - head to a crate. Now back behind the curtain...and
backstage we go, where FUNAKI appears and tries a cover - Tazz throws him
off, right, right, into a metal door. JUST JOE walks by, laughs at Funaki,
and Tazz throws *him* at Blackman after a right. Kick by Blackman, right,
Tazz back on Blackman. Trading punches...and back in front of the curtain.
Walking back towards the stage - Tazz' head hits another heavy box. Right
by Blackman. Aside the ramp - and now back on the ramp. Tazz with a
right. Blackman mauled to the floor. Rolled into the ring. Tazz finds a
chair and gets back in. Right, into the ropes, reversed and Blackman hits
a drop toehold onto the chair. Blackman outside for the sticks. "IT'S
PARTY TIME!" Blackman with the Hundred Sticks. Stick-in-the-crotch-plex
gets...2. Into the ropes, no, Tazz holds on for a Northern Lights
suplex...for 2. Or, if you're Cole, a "fisherman's suplex." Yikes, he
CAN'T be doing that on purpose...can he? Tazz should leave the ring right
now and scream "NORTHERN LIGHTS SUPLEX" in Cole's face. Instead, following
a clothesline, he goes out to the weapons cache under the ring. Coming
back in with a kendo stick, suh-WING and a miss, Blackman's roundhouse kick
is ducked - Tazzmission with the kendo stick!! Blackman finds the garbage
can lid and two shots to the head breaks the hold. Tazz with a waistlock -
Blackman's trick knee acts up. Kendo stick from the top rope - 1, 2, 3!
(4:17)
Backstage, Triple H and Stephanie - and then Kurt Angle - hit the
commissioner's office to complain about having a four corners match so
close to No Mercy. Foley says Rock and Benoit aren't happy about it
either...but he doesn't care about THEIR happiness, so long as the FANS are
happy...
Meanwhile, outside...nope, Austin hasn't arrived yet
Have you heard that TNN is the new home of the WWF's Weekend programming
that nobody watches? LiveWire Saturdays at 10, Superstars Sundays at 10!
Yikes! ANOTHER Buchanan ad! Go Pat Go! Keep them furnerz outta my
country! REFORM! REFORM!
You're watching WWF Smackdown on UPN! Actually, you're watching an ad
break - don't be fooled
EDDIE GUERRERO is out on one crutch - did he REALLY injure his hamstring,
or is he faking? Since his limp is making his entrance take much longer
than normal, let's shill "Freedom" - from the producers of the Matrix! -
while we're waiting. Crowd is quite happy to boo Guerrero, even tho' he's
hurt. "Now Chyna, mami, heh, I know you're back there tonight. And I know
that you're probably whimpering to all your friends 'oh, how I miss Eddie.'
And I know that you're probably crying 'oh, how I miss my Latino Heat.'
And I know that you're wishing how much you want me back, but you know
what, that's not gonna happen tonight. All those tears you can save for
your newfound lover Mr. Goldilocks Billy Gunn. He's gonna need all your
pity - see, I don't get it. How many times do I have to go and kick his
(beep) before you realise that blondes have no fun, baby? They're just
STOOPID! So Billy Gunn, Blondie, Goldilocks, whatever you wanna call
yourself, ese, I mean, come on down, man, you got the advantage - I got one
leg, man! Let's get it on, vato, 'cause frankly I can't wait until No
Mercy to kick your (beep)!" But it isn't Mr. (Beep) out - rather, it's
THAT SLUT CHYNA. Don't treat her like a cueball, don't treat her like a
van. Eddie seems kinda deflated as she walks to the ring and stares him
down. "Are you surprised to see me, Eddie? Well, I'm here tonight,
although contrary to what you may think, I have NOT been crying my eyes out
in the back. Instead, I've been thinking about all the things I would love
to say to you. About how you made me feel, how you treated me, but then
again Eddie, I think I'd rather show you." Slap! Chyna dares him to bring
it on...but before Eddie responds, the klaxons klax and out comes the full
membership RIGHT TO CENSOR. "Cut our music...Chyna, we feel that you never
fully understood the severity of your actions when you exposed yourself to
the entire world in Playboy magazine. Allow us to offer you a lesson,
Chyna. Every action has a reaction. Action, reaction. And since you
didn't take to heart our warnings or our efforts to censor your magazine in
reaction to your complete and total disregard for morality and decency,
then you have forced us to TAKE action, not only against your publication,
but YOU. And it is for your own good." Chyna manages a crappy forearm to
Venis, but falls to the Stevenkick. Here comes MR. ASS, who gets some
shots in but ultimatley goes down to the numbers...and a Censorbomb from
Venis. Guerrero chokes Chyna down with his crutch in the meantime. Play
the RTC music! Gunn covers Chyna and shows us his roots. Guerrero walks
off separately...he still looks really hurt.
Hey! It's the Stone Cold truck! And there's Stone Cold Steve Austin! AND
HE'S WALKING!!!
You're watching WWF SmackDown! on UPN!
Clips from the Los Angeles XFL cheerleader tryouts - and a dirty old man
Las Vegas tryouts are Saturday - so look for another set of clips next week
WWF EUROPEAN CHAMPIONSHIP - WILLIAM REGAL v. PERRY (with Terri) v. AL SNOW
(with Head) - Let Us Take You Back to RAW when Regal defeated Snow for the
title. Snow is back to "normal." Snow pulls Regal outside and brawls with
him until Saturn springs off with an Asai moonsault onto Snow, trying VERY
hard to land directly on his head in the process. Regal with forearms when
Saturn comes back in - off the ropes, duck, head down, kick by Regal, Snow
grabs the ankle as he tries to come off the ropes again, distracting him
JUST enough to fall into a Northern Lights suplex (AGAIN miscalled by Cole)
for 2, Snow breaks it up. Austin is NEXT! Presto Double Feature of
Saturn's moonsault. Snow punches Saturn out of the ring - then eats some
European forearms and repeated knees to the head from Regal. Snow counters
a waistlock - Regal's superkick starts a Snow German suplex and
bridge...for 2 - Saturn sweeps the legs to break it up. Right, right, Snow
ducks the next one, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, into
the corner is reversed, Snow slides to a stop, Saturn ducks Snow's
clothesline and Regal manages to clothesline BOTH men running the opposite
direction. European forearm takes Snow outside. Saturn with a knockdown
on Regal. Right, right, Regal reverses, European forearm, wrapping Saturn
up with his own arm and dropping him to the mat in a neckbreaker - Snow
breaks it at 2. Snow takes Regal's head to the buckle, again, Regal
catches the kick...then eats an enzuigiri. Snow with a short powerbomb -
Saturn breaks it up. Springboard legdrop miss Snow but hits Regal - so
Saturn covers Regal - 1, 2, Snow breaks it up (thanks to clever editing).
Snow with a moonsault on Regal - Saturn pulls him off at 2 - cover - Snow
pulls HIM off - cover - Saturn pulls him off. Saturn punches Snow, Snow
shoves back. Regal tries to clock them BOTH but they duck - double back
body drop. Quick alliance formed, double clothesline on Regal. Snow
stomps away - but Saturn is up from behind with a tiger suplex...Snow kicks
out at 2! Big kick for Regal, superkick for Snow - into the ropes, Snow
ducks the clothesline - and they collide. Snow crawls to Head - and clocks
Saturn. 1, 2, Regal pulls him off - REGAL STRETCH! Without Saturn
available to save him, Snow has no choice but to tap out. Good stuff.
(3:23) Regal makes a great face...followed by another great face after he
gets his belt back.
Backstage, Austin paces while Ross frets. They're NEXT!
Here's a look at the Cleveland skyline - and the BEAUTIFUL Gund Arena
Missed the opening montage? Don't worry, they've aired it again!
In the locker room, LARRY KING sucks up to Austin. Austin says there's no
legitimate excuse for running him down like a dog.
This tender moment is interrupted with a backstage look at Rikishi, who
takes a sledgehammer to the headlights and drivers' side window of the
Stone Cold Pickup Truck. Removing the cooler from the truck, Rikishi pops
open a cold one...and pours it to the ground
The interview continues
Meanwhile, Rikishi is pounding on the roof and windshield of the truck -
and now the hood and fender
The interview continues - Ross tries to convey his concern, his loving CARE
of Austin. Before Austin can answer THAT, JONATHAN COACHMAN breaks in to
tell Ross and Austin that Rikishi is doing a little body work.
Rikishi finds another window to break, and some more panels to dent. He
takes a few extra shots at the skull on the side. Hey, if he hits the gas
tank, will it blow?
Austin and Ross are WALKING! Ross does a lot of muttering for ambiance.
We look back - Rikishi is gone. Austin says "son of a (beep)" a lot. The
car behind the truck speeds away. Ross: "Wait'll Sunday, Rikishi! Steve,
he's torn up your damn truck! He's ruined your - hey, what are ya doing?
Don't DO this! It could be a trap! Steve - Steve, it could be a trap!
Damn, he's hard headed. Is it a trap?" The camera pulls back as Ross
turns around...and sees Rikishi. Whoa! "Good God. Now wait a
minute...you gotta think about this." "Open your mouth now. Where's your
buddy Stone Cold at now? Huh JR?" Rikishi shoves him into a nearby car.
"That's right. Stone Cold, huh? Stone Cold - that's your buddy huh? Huh?
That's your buddy, huh? I'll show you what I think of you and your
buddy..." Rikishi stands over Ross' prone form and slowly raises his
sledgehammer... Ah, hell, Foley shows up just in time to tell him not to
do it. "If you want some of Stone Cold Sunday, then you need to put the
sledgehammer down now, just do it. Don't make a mistake and live to regret
- PLEASE, put the sledgehammer down." "Remember. No holds barred. No
holds barred. This Sunday." He puts down the sledgehammer and walks away.
"Rikishi, I'm gonna have to ask you to leave. ... Are you okay?"
Damn, Rikishi just became the COOLEST WRESTLER EVER
You're watching UPN!
Moments Ago, a lotta bad stuff went down - you know what the REAL question
is? Who - I say, WHO drove away that decoy? Hmmmmm? Ponder THAT one, mah
frenz
EL PERRO DEL CAMINO v. RAVEN - Dogg's spiel is excised to protect our
delicate TV-PG ears. Tied up, side headlock by Dogg, powered out,
shoulderblock by the Dogg. He's dancin' already. Into the ropes, head
down, kick by Raven, kick by Dogg. Off the ropes, reversed butt to the
back. Off the ropes, wiggly wobbly woobly kneedrop. Raven puts Dogg
through the ropes and follows. Side Russian legsweep into the barricade!
Put back in the ring and Raven follows. Into the opposite corner, follow
clothesline, bulldog. Into the ropes, gutshot, off the ropes, discus
right. Raven with a pretzel on the legs, then bridging back for the
chinlock. "What about me? What about Raven?" Referee "Blind" Mike Chioda
calls it a choke and forces a break. Into the corner, head to the gut.
Into the opposite corner, Raven off the ropes with a clothesline. Into the
ropes, head down, Road Dogg trying the sunset flip, but Raven keeping his
balance - from his back, Dogg throws a right, another right, holding the
arm and getting up, holding it into the pumphandle - and a slam. 1, 2, 3!
(2:56) It is Raven's job to job.
In the dressing room, Angle tells Stephanie that as much as he wants her at
ringside, he's concerned about her welfare tonight. Rock and Benoit have
no integrity - besides that, he's worried that she'd have to make a
decision between himself and her husband tonight. Stephanie says not to
worry - she's made a professional decision to be in his corner, "and if it
comes down to some kind of choice between you and Triple H...don't worry,
I'll do the right thing." "I knew you'd say that...why was I even
worrying?" Then he thinks about it...and the smile quickly fades into
confusion...
Rikishi - Stone Cold Steve Austin - No Mercy - 3 days away!
Moments Ago, Rikishi scored a one-fall victory against Austin's truck.
Commentators make a big deal of the fact that Rikishi outsmarted Austin.
Cole wonders aloud, for the first time, who the accomplice was. Rikishi
beat up Jim Ross for an encore. Lawler reminds us that at No Mercy,
sledgehammers are legal.
LILIAN GARCIA stands with Edge, Christian and X-Pac. Edge yuks it up at
the expense of the Stone Cold Pickup Truck and Jim Ross. "Dudes - if ever
there was a time for flash photography." "Oh, totally! I mean, JR should
stand for Jolly Rancher because he so totally sucked. Rikishi gets a
golden seal of awesomeness - Bra - vo." X-Pac: "Hey, what about Austin?
You know, I haven't seen a redneck drive that fast since they took 'Dukes
of Hazzard' off the air!" Edge says tonight's match is dedicated to JR -
and they'll donate the money they earn "towards the cleaning of JR's
drawers! Too classic!"
HARDY BOYZ (with SmackDown! is brought to you by Honda, Slim Jim, and
Subway) and CHRIS THURSDAY JERICHO v. EDGE & CHRISTIAN & X-PAC - What are
they gonna do with the whole "Y2J" concept in another 72 days or so,
anyway? In a rare show of solidatiry, the heel team enters together.
Before the match begins, we look to the parking lot, where Austin has
return. He's apparently *so* perturbed that he doesn't even notice he just
ran over the rest of his beer! X-Pac gets a cheap shot on Jericho, causing
him to go after HIM and let *Edge* beat on him a bit. "X Pac Sux" chant.
Jericho comes back with a flying jalapeno. Chop, chop, into the opposite
corner, off the ropes, Edge ducks the bulldog, Jericho catches the kick,
ducks the enzuigiri, and DOES hit the bulldog...for 2. Tag to Matt Hardy -
scoop slam, second rope legdrop. Cover - 2. Knee by Edge, clubbing
forearm. Tag to Christian. Right, right, gutshot, right, into the ropes,
Hardy ducks the clothesline, right, right, discus right, into the corner,
elbow up by Hardy, clothesline, tag to Jeff. Into the corner, Poetry in
Motion - Jericho with a boosted clothesline as well! X-Pac comes in and
uppernuts Jeff while referee "Blind" Tim White tries to clear the ring.
Don't forget, Andrew Golota vs. Mike Tyson on Friday! Christian tags Edge
- open shot. Head to the buckle, elbow, elbow, elbow, elbow, standing
dropkick, tag to X-Pac. X-Pac with a few forearms, but Hardy fires back
with elbows, right, left, off the ropes, RIGHT into a spinning heel
kick...for 2. Putting Jef in the bad neighbourhood...kick trifecta...and
broncobuster. Tag to Edge. Scoop...and a slam. Edge going to the second
rope - mocking "guns" pose...but Hardy gets the boots up and connects,
right in the mush. Jeff can't tag, but Edge does. Christian mocks the
corner, right, stomp, stomp, stomp, choke. Daring Matt and Jericho to come
in, and when they try, Christian puts Jeff in the corner for the illegal
tripleteam. Tag to X-Pac. Right, kick, right, kick, right, tag to Edge.
Hardy fires back with two rights, but Edge goes to the eyes. Into the
corner, but Hardy pops up and off the top rope with a twisting somersault
clothesline (or, if you're Cole, "a knockdown")! Both men are down. Tag
to X-Pac - quickly on Jeff with a forearm. Taunting the corner...but Jeff
elbows X-Pac and falls forward into a tag for Jericho! Clothesline!
Clothesline! Double noggin knocker for Edge & Christian! Into the ropes
is reversed, ducked, spinning heel kick by Jericho! Christian in - and he
eats a right. X-Pac tries to take advantage of the distraction - into the
ropes, Jericho catches him and powerbombs him down - DOUBLE POWERBOMB!
Lionsault - but he hits the knees! Edge has a chair - Hardyz in - now it's
all broken, down - ah, hell I hear glass. STONE COLD STEVE AUSTIN comes in
and chairs all six men. (No contest? 5:42 or so) Right hand for White -
KICK WHAM STUNNER #18 for Sergeant Slaughter. Austin chases Mike Chioda
away, then returns to the ring to survey his carnage. Two more stomps for
Slaughter. Dammit, I was kinda digging that match. I'm rooting for
*Rikishi* now! THAT'LL show 'im!
Moments Ago, Austin returned
About six minutes later, Austin ruined a perfectly good six-man with six
chairshots
Kevin Kelly stands in the awesome presence of the Rock. "Finally, the Rock
HAS COME BACK to Cleveland! You see, over the past two weeks, the Rock has
had a lot on his mind. The Rock recently found out that it was Rikishi who
ran over Stone Cold Steve Austin. The Rock's been angry, the Rock's been
confused, but there's been one man to help the Rock (snap) snap out of it.
And that man is Kurt Angle. So Kurt Angle, thank you for helping the Rock.
After all your trash talking for the past two weeks, after attacking the
Rock from behind, the Rock is now not thinking about Rikishi, he's thinking
about you - the Rock is thinking about you, Kurt Angle - thinking about
beating the Olympic mucus from out of your smug, smiling face! And you
see, Kurt Angle, over the past two months, the Rock has gone through a lot
of opponents, one of which is Kane - all seven feet, 350 pounds, who comes
out and says 'I am the big - red - MONster!' Another man, by the name of
Chris Benoit who comes down and says 'Just prove me wrong!' And now the
Rock faces a man who comes out and says... (brightly) 'Drinking milk has
calcium and it's good for your bones! And drinking milk is also very good
for your healthy body - oh it's true, it's true.'" His smile fades into a
scowl. "You see, Kurt Angle, this Sunday night at No Mercy, let the Rock
explain to you exactly what he's gonna do and only in language that you can
understand. (brightly) You see, Kurt Angle, you and the Rock, we're gonna
have a WWF title match, in which many moves are gonna be executed - an arm
bar, a wrist lock, and many other moves. But, you see, the Rock has a very
special move he's gonna execute just for you, Kurt. You see, the Rock is
gonna take his boot! And then the Rock is gonna turn it horizontal, or
sideways, just the way you like it, or so the Rock has heard. And then,
Kurt, in one swift motion, the Rock (back to normal voice) is gonna take
his boot, and stick it straight up your candyass! You see, Kurt Angle, you
think you're special just because you've got your three I's, do you you
think you're really special because you cashed in on the services of one
Stephanie McMahon-Helmsley - a two dollar - no - fifty cent - no - buy two
get one free, does anybody have change for a nickel, rented (excised)? You
see, Kurt Angle, this is not the Olympics. You're not facing the
Romanians, you're not facing the Bulgarians, you're facing the Rock - the
Brahma Bull - a man who has no quit, a man who has no fear. So Kurt Angle,
bring your gold medals - Stephanie, bring your dirty panties - but above
all else...but above all else, just like tonight, at No Mercy this Sunday,
just..bring it. If ya smelllllllllllllllllllllll what the Rock is
cookin'!" Whoa - Rock knows a *wristlock*?
Hey, look! Trish Stratus knows how to read? And she's WALKING!
Meanwhile, Lits has caught the fever - the latest craze - it is WALKING!
Clips from Heat - this Sunday's special guests are Kurt Angle and Stephanie
McMahon-Helmsley! Then, somehow, they'll get from Manhattan to Albany!
There ain't but ONE face on the WWF New York marquee ad for No Mercy -
guess whose - hint: Rikishi outsmarted him. Cole tells us Disturbed will
be performing at WWF New York right after the show. Whoa, is it too late
to get over there? It is? Oh.
WWF WOMEN'S CHAMPIONSHIP: TRISH STRATUS - THE FITNESS MODEL (with
dictionary - and WWF.com logo) v. LITA - challenger enters first - about
time. Lawler uses the "she can read?" joke and now I feel...well, older.
Oh, man...you and I are in for a TREAT - Trish Stratus is gonna SPEAK!
Maybe she'll tell us where her tits and ass are if we're lucky. "Champion.
One who shows marked superiority. One who fights for dignity and honour.
Winner of first price or first place! And finally, champion. A militant
advocate or defender. All qualities that *I* possess - me, Trish Stratus.
And now, Lita. (flips pages) Lita. One who shows disgusting tattoos on
her body. One who wears her pants - heh - way too low. And most
importantly, Lita: a low class, cheap bimbo. In other words, no one's beat
you like I have before, and now I'm gonna do it for the title, baby." Lita
in with a double leg takedown and lots of illegal punches. Referee "Blind"
Jack Doan tells her to keep it clean already. Big clothesline. Into the
ropes, sick sidewalk slam. Moonsault coming up. And why not? It's almost
been thirty whole seconds! Sure enough, T&A run out and, while Test talks
to Doan, Albert shoves Lita off the ropes - Stratus covers - 1, 2, no!
Even Doan's trademark fast count can't beat the kickout. Stratus whips her
into the ropes, but Lita manages a huracanrana. Albert in the ring -
yaaaaaah splash misses. Test grabs Lita's arms and pulls them back...but
Lita's trick knee acts up, putting Test down.
"Iblockyourpunchyoudon'tblockmine" for Stratus, up to the top rope to...I
dunno, rana Test? But he catches her in a powerbomb instead. NOW Doan
calls for the bell - baffling. (DQ 1:30) T&A hold up Lita for some slaps
and elbows. The rescue is made by the ACOLYTES who still have some bad
blood for T&A. Play their music! Trish skips up the aisle...umm, but you
still don't have that title, do you?
In the dressing room, Triple H tells his wife he doesn't want her at
ringside. Stephanie reiterates that she's made a business decision and she
WILL be in Kurt Angle's corner tonight. "Just remember one thing -
remember who you're going home with tonight?" "Hunter, listen, don't
worry, okay? If it comes to making some kind of choice between you and
Kurt, just like I told Kurt, I'll do the right thing." H smiles...but
looks back, confused. Geez, are all men idiots or something?
Rikishi - Austin - 3 days away - Presto! Hey, now that Heat is on MTV,
couldn't they arrange to have it air at 4pm on the west coast feed so I
could actually *watch* it on a pay-per-view night? WORK WITH ME HERE
Chyna shills Stacker 2
And now, the Boot of the Week, brought to you by LUGZ! From RAW, Angle
hits Rock Bottom, Stephanie grabs Rock, preventing the pin, Stephanie takes
a tire iron to Jeff Hardy, and Angle gets the pin following the Olympic
Slam.
KING KURT ANGLE (with Stephanie Ono and Heat ad graphic) v. CHRIS BENOIT
(with Let Us Take You Back to RAW) v. THE NEW MAN (with Presto presents No
Mercy - Sunday!) v. IF YA SMELLLLLLLLLLLLL in a nontitle four corners match
- In case you're interested, these four entrances and their associated
advertising moments eat up JUST short of five minutes. Amazingly, referee
"Blind" Earl Hebner manages to keep Benoit and Angle away from Triple H
during his posing routine. I'm surprised we didn't get an ad break between
entrances, there's a LOT of time left... Cole says there was a coin toss
to determine first two men in the ring and it was Rock and Benoit winning.
Rock blocks, right, right, right, into the ropes, reversed, forearm by
Benoit. Death suplex. Kick, kick, kick, kick, kick, kick, chop, chop,
kick, kick, kick, kick, kick, kick, Benoit tells Hebner he'll kick him as
much as he wants. Right hand. Angle calls out for a tag - Benoit gives
him a look and goes back to the kick. Kick. Into the opposite corner is
reversed, gutshot and DDT by the Rock. Rock drags Benoit over to Angle and
dares Angle to tag him now. Angle decides to express discretion instead.
H asks for a tag - so Rock tags him instead. Right for Benoit. Right,
right, head to the buckle, kick, kick, kick, kick, stomp, stomp, stomp,
stomp, stomp, stomp, stomp, standing on the neck. Into the ropes, duck,
high knee. Right, pretend I typed "right" eight more times just now.
Suplex. H off the ropes with a kneedrop. Cover, leg is hooked - 2. Right
hand. Benoit manages to dump H's neck on the top rope. Angle climbs onto
the bottom rope, reaches WAY over, and tags Benoit in the back -
clothesline for H, stomp, stomp, stomp, stomp, stomp, stomp, stomp, stomp,
stomp. Right, right, "Angle sux" chant. H reverses it in the corner,
right, right, right, right, right, whip into the opposite corner is
reversed, H ducks the clothesline and hits the hangman's neckbreaker. Rock
asks for a return of favour, and H obliges, tagging him in. Rock on Angle
- right, right, right, right, right, NOW KISS THAT RIGHT! He's in Benoit's
corner but Benoit wants nothing to do with *this*. Samoan Drop - 1, 2,
shoulder up. Right, right, into the ropes, Angle holds on and reverses
into a belly-to-belly suplex. Angle over to slap Triple H - apparently
that's a tag. H comes in, reluctantly. See, him and Rock are real good
freinds now, or something. Angle with another right to the Rock - who
stumbles into a Pedigree attempt - but Angle clotheslines Triple H before
he can do it. Rock going for Rock Bottom! - but Angle breaks THAT up as
well. Angle finally steps through the ropes and cheers on a healthy
exchange between the Rock and Triple H. They look at each other - then
both of them bring Angle in the hard way. It's pinball time! Right by the
Rock, right by H, spit right by Rock - Benoit in, and both H and Rock throw
HIM a right. And now it's spilled outside - H and Benoit and Rock with
Angle. Each man takes turns putting his opponent's face into the STEEL
steps - can you top this? Well, look at this. Finally, Rock puts Angle in
the ring while Benoit and H stay outside. Rock Bottom on Angle! 1,
2...Triple H makes the save! Of course, Rock and H are legal, but Hebner
proved Monday he couldn't be bothered to remember silly details like that.
H and Benoit in the ring - Pedigree! Leg is hooked - 1, 2, *Rock* breaks
it up! And now there's a staredown in the ring - looks like they WILL hook
it up. Shove by Triple H - shove by Rock. H with a shove, Rock with a
right, and now they're trading rights - and now it's H - and now it's Rock.
Into the ropes, Rock's head down, facebuster by Triple H. Clothesline
takes Rock out. Benoit with an uppernut on Triple H while his back was
turned. Benoit stomping away on Triple H now. Chop, chop, chop, chop,
right, right, into an Olympic Slam from Angle! Benoit throws Angle over
the top rope in mid-celebration, then climbs the corner for the SWANDIVE
HEADBUTT!! Slowly crawling over - 1, 2, Rock pulls Benoit outside and puts
him into the ringpost! Rock inside - looks at Triple H laying in the
middle of the ring - "hey, I could do a People's Elbow here" - and so he
does. Leg is hooked...1, 2, *Stephanie* pulls Rock out! Rock goes out
after her...and gets clocked with a blind clothesline by Benoit on the
outside. Meanwhle, Angle sneaks in and hooks the leg. Stephanie on the
apron...but she's not gonna save him THIS time. 1, 2, 3. (9:04)
Post-match, Benoit is in to put the Crippler crossface on Triple H - H
quickly taps out but, surprisingly, that doesn't help. I think Stephanie
was set to ask Angle to help out her husband, but Rock is over to chase HER
before she can make the request! Angle behind the Rock, spinning him
around, Rock right, right, into the ring, Angle tries a kick, but Rock
catches it - dragon screw legwhip into the Sharpshooter! Angle does some
tapping as well. With Angle AND Triple H both tapping the mat, Stephanie
comes in...but who does she save? She just shrugs instead. The REFS &
OFFICIALS are out - Benoit lets go of the Crossface, then clocks Rock and
puts HIM in the crossface! Stephanie checks on her husband. The refs
*finally* get the hold broken. Benoit chases the refs out of the ring.
Play his music! Benoit backs up the ramp, all smiles - he's the last man
standing tonight. Credits are up and we're out.
AFTER THE FACT: Jason Hoagland provides an on-site view: Chris...
I was at Smackdown! and here's a couple of interesting notes... First,
Road Dogg's an idiot. They cut his idiocy out however in editting. He
welcomed Detroit Rock City to the Dogg House in his intro. They also cut
out the first couple minutes of the match when the crowd was chanting
"You're in Cleveland"... I assume that's why Lawler and Cole kept
referring to their present location (cleveland) during the course of the
match, and also why we booed him at the end other than the usual reason,
being that he sucks.
Triple H certainly seems to enjoy being a face. After the end Rocky
enlightened him on how to give the people's elbow. Those two seemd to
work well together as faces.
I don't think Edge and Christian were the Conquistadors tonight. No idea
who they might have been though, maybe the two guys who did dark matches
beforehand.
Finally, the crowd reaction to both the Stone Cold segment and the Rocky
promo were incredible. I'm sick of Rocky like you but I thoroughly
enjoyed his promo. He's put a ton more effort into it since Stone Colds
back. It may want to be noted that Rocky's pops were bigger than Stone
Cold's.
See ya on the report...
See YOU at the pay-per-view!
Christopher Robin Zimmerman
www.CRZ.net