by Christopher Robin Zimmerman
WrestleLine/WrestleManiacs
I GET LETTERS: Kathie Lanman writes: Chris--
I find it very hard to believe that you missed seeing Kurt Angle's black
thong in that three-way match. Are you just trying to protect your readers
who may have missed it from knowing what Kurt wears under that singlet? I
got such a kick out of it that I rewound it two or three times. For the
rest of the match, I was just waiting for another low-rider moment.
What can I say? I wasn't looking. By the way, if you write me email, and
you're a woman, don't tease me by putting "Thong" in the subject. Ha!
KINGS UPDATE: Normally, I wouldn't care much about preseason stuff, but we
DID beat the Lakers, so I'll note the fact for posterity. Season starts
SOON!
How strange - no UPN stuff, no One World Leader stuff - straight to Opening
Credits - closed captioned logo - and TV-PG-DLV ratings box
And PYRO! And a crowd! We're on tape from the Nassau Colesium in
Uniondale, NY 26.10.2K y transmitido en espanol, SAP (taped 24.10) WWF
title on the line, tag titles on the line, but first
STONE COLD STEVE AUSTIN starts us off. "I came out here tonight to clear
up a little misunderstanding with the authorities - basically the law - of
what my intentions were with Rikishi this past Sunday at No Mercy. You see
what happened, after a spirited contest - after a hell of a competition, I
offered Rikishi a ride to the parking lot in my truck. After I got Rikishi
out of thetruck, and...he seems to have fallen and couldn't get
up...realising I had done all I could do for the man, the cops stop, and
when I backed up...and that truck shot forward, they thought that maybe I
was trying to run over Rikishi like some big fat (beep) speedbump - NO!
That's not what happened. I wouldn't do that, I explained to the
authorities, because Stone Cold Steve Austin is not the kind of a man that
would bear a grudge like that against another human being. I explained to
the authorities that when I broadsided that police cruiser, I'd
accidentally stepped on the gas instead of the brakes, and it was 100% an
accident. And when that truck jumped out of gear, and went backwards, shot
back into gear and went forwards and I crashed into that police cruiser
again, through it all, Stone Cold Steve Austin refused to press charges on
the police officer driving that vehicle. Anyway, they decided today to
give me a ride to the police department and uh, brought in on the cases of
defamation of property and I said what's defamation of property, and they
said basically, Steve, we're getting you for littering. It seems that, you
know, when you go down the road and you throw like a hamburger sack out the
window, they give you like a $300 fine - when I dumped 425 pounds of crap
right there in the middle of Albany, New York, you can imagine the kind of
fine levied on Stone Cold Steve Austin. Anyway, we cleared that all up...I
made it to RAW, and I would like to thank Commissioner Mick Foley for his
understanding and his help, thank you Mick I sure appreciate it. And in
doing so, I promised Mick that I would not lay one single hand on Rikishi,
unless I was absolutely, positively provoked. I'm gonna live up to this,
as long as Commissioner Foley lives up to his word that I got Rikishi's fat
(beep) in a steel cage this Monday on RAW. And I'm gonna tell you right
here right now, if Rikishi provokes me, Stone Cold Steve Austin, here in
Long Island (Crowd: "He said Long Island!"), well let me put it this way -
if he provokes me tonight in Long Island, if you think I should just go
ahead and whip the hell out of him, open up a can of whoopass, give me a
hell yeah!" Crowd: "Rock E!" (Just kidding.) "Then that's exactly what's
gonna happen, and that's the bottom line...'cause Stone Cold said so."
Backstage, Rikishi watches Austin walk back up the ramp on a monitor...and
strokes his head. "So, you want to get provoked, huh? Hahahaha - right,
right."
Well, at least it was a SHORT opening segment...
It's a short two minutes later when Too Cool catch up to Rikishi and tell
him they need to let this thing with Austin die. "Are you trying to tell
me that you two fools are worried about my safety? Do I look like a man?
Look in my eyes - do I have fear in these eyes?" Rikishi says if it wasn't
for him, they'd have never made it in the business. He tells them to stay
out of his business - and shoves them aside on his way out of the locker
room.
WWF TAG TEAM CHAMPIONSHIP AND LETTER Z: HARDY BOYZ (with Lita and Let Us
Take You Back to No Mercy...and RAW) v. DUDLEY BOYZ (with Let Us Take You
Back One Week) - Since the Dudleyz were the rightful winners of last week's
battle royal, the Hardyz are giving them a shot tonight. Matt and D-Von
lockup, Hardy waistlock, counter, rollup, 1. Leg sweep by Hardy for 1.
Gutshot by Hardy, into the ropes, Dudley hiptoss blocked, turned to a
backslide by Hardy for 2. Crowd wants tables. Armdrag takeover by
Dudley...to the corner for the tag. Open shot by Buh Buh Ray, right,
scoop...and a slam, off the ropes with the elbowdrop, elbowdrop, cover, 2.
Hardy punches back, right, into the corner, Dudley elbows Jeff but Matt
hits a drop toehold, tag, missile dropkick by Jeff. Shot for D-Von, all
fours assist to the floor onto Buh Buh Ray with the leg. Warriors of Might
and Magic Double Feature! Back in the ring after another kick, Hardy with
a right, right, right, into the ropes is reversed, big back body drop by
Dudley. Clothesline. Tag to D-Von. Scoop...and a slam, off the ropes
with a legdrop - 1, 2, no. Tag to Buh Buh Ray, open shot, slap, slap,
attempt at a whip reversal into the corner, but Dudley ain't movin'. Hardy
with two rights, DOES get the whip, but Dudley puts the boot up. Body
slam. Dudley on the second rope - senton! 1, Matt saves. Dudley and Matt
get into a shoving match, but referee "Blind" Jim Korderas puts him back in
his corner. Tonight, Triple H and the Road Dogg team against Chris Benoit
and Dean Malenko! Dudley on the second rope...Matt across the apron, but
Korderas stops him - but behind his back, Jeff hits him squar'n the nuts.
Hardy with a Frankensteiner - and falls across the back for 1, 2, NO! Both
men looking for a tag - and both men get it. Duck, right, right, discus
right by Hardy, off the ropes, clothesline, 1, 2, no! Into the ropes, back
elbow ducked, flying clothesline by Dudley - cover for 2. Whip into the
corner, boot up by Matt Hardy, but D-Von stays on him with punches.
Climbing up...Hardy punches and shoves him away - legdrop off the second
rope. 1, 2, Buh Buh Ray flies in with a forearm smash. Korderas busies
himself trying to get him out of the ring. D-Von eats some punches, but
ducks the last one and hits the jumpin' Slop Drop...but Jeff comes in with
a swantonbomb since the ref's back is turned. Matt manages to roll over
and drape an arm across him...but only for 2. Lita starts the crowd
cheering - both men tag! Buh Buh Ray with two big clotheslines for Jeff,
full nelson atomic drop for Matt, sidewalk slam for Jeff and cover...but
Matt saves at 2. All four men in now - D-Von chops Matt out of the ring
while Buh Buh Ray slams Jeff and holds him for "wassup." Matt runs at Buh
Buh Ray and gets slammed...fortunately, Korderas decides to go check on
Jeff so we can have another "wassup." D-Von, get the table. Hey, you know
using a table probably won't get you the tag titles...oh, it's a moot point
as EDGE & CHRISTIAN come out with chairs and brain the Dudleyz. Aw shit.
(DQ 7:06) They hit the ring and brain the champs as well. Play Edge's
music!! Replay of the screwjobaroony.
LILIAN GARCIA stands with Kurt Angle and Stephanie McMahon-Helmsley. He
can't believe he has to defend his title yet again. "Where's the
fairness?" Stephanie says Foley needs to be impeached, and also, lookit
her strange cleavage! They walk off...and Benoit walks into the shot with
Malenko alongside. "Hello, Lilian." "Hi, Chris." "Oh, you know my name.
Well, let me ask you a real *challenging* question: what is my LAST name?"
"B--" Benoit holds up a hand for her to talk to. "Last Monday night after
I beat Road Dogg, I could have sworn I heard you announce the winner as
Chris....Jericho?" "Look, Chris, I'm really sorry. I just messed up. But
look, I promise, it is not gonna happen again, and if I could do anything
to make it right, believe me--" "Well, you can make it right by coming
down to the ring tonight, 'cause after Malenko and I get done with Road
Dogg & Triple H, you're gonna announce OUR names as the winners...and this
time, you're gonna get it right."
Only in the WWF can they make you think they MEANT to make a mistake.
The WWF Slam of the Week is brought to you by THQ's "Summoner!" From RAW
on Monday, Jericho throws some coffee at Kane...ensuring a bullshit DQ
later that night in his match.
All five members of RIGHT TO CENSOR hit the ring for some chattery. "In an
effort to desensitize the millions and millions of our fans, the WWF has
forcefed every one of you a diet of corruption, greed, vulgarity and
scantily clad women! Keeping every one of you hungry for your next plate
of immorality... so we all can understand your reactions to the Right to
Censor, because quite frankly the truth hurts." "What you are missing,
people, is that what you are embracing is leading you closer and closer
into the depths of depravity. With every bra and panties match, with every
no holds barred, every Hell in the Cell, we, as human beings... we lose a
little part of ourselves that we're never gonna get back. Now we, the
Right to Censor will continue to fight the good fight, but the World
Wrestling Federation will continue to make heroes out of egotism, icons out
of vulgarity, and especially it will continue to exploit its *female*
talent to garnish ratings. Now I, as a woman, I wanna speak up for all the
women in the world, and put a stop to this. There are people in the World
Wrestling Federation that continue and help to perpetuate this wheel - this
revolving wheel of disgrace. Men like the Rock...with his frequent
comments that disgrace and offend women. Now I find, personally, the most
reprehensible of the Rock's remarks concerning pie. I'm disgusted by these
remarks and I'm mostly disgusted that the WWF doesn't put a stop to it.
These remarks should be censored because they are unacceptable." IF YA
SMELLLLL comes out to offer rebuttal. Wow, you can FEEL him getting pushed
down the card, can't you? "Now the Rock says, what makes you think that
you jabrones have the right to tell somebody what to say and what not to
say? Have the right to tell somebody what to do and what not to do? Have
the right to tell somebody what to hear and not to hear? But before you
answer that, Ivory, since you came out here running your mouth about the
Rock, and the Rock is the People's Champion...and we're all surrounded by
the People...the Rock has but one question and one question only.
Ivory...do you like pie?" Ivory makes a shocked face. "We are not hear
for you to - we're not incredible edibles, we're not pieces of meat, Rock -
we are women, we're beautiful women! That's not what we're about."
Now...THAT SLUT CHYNA is out? "Now Ivory. We (meaning myself and probably
the rest of the women in attendance tonight) don't really appreciate a
self-righteous, uptight, librarian woman who really--" "Chyna, I
understand. I understand you're angry, and I feel your pain. I feel your
pain because you, of all women in the World Wrestling Federation, you have
been exploited the most. Posing nude doesn't make you beautiful...it just
makes you cheap!" Hey, how about another entrance? It's MR. ASS...and
he's apparently eating some pie. Hey, remember when Rock and Mr. Ass hated
each other? "You know, Rock...I like pie." I guess some non-TV-PG stuff
was edited here, because we cut back to Richards: "We have tried to advise
you, and we have tried to help you see the error of your ways, and if you
will not take our warnings under advisement verbally, then maybe you would
rather them be physical, because we would like you to come down here later
tonight and just see exactly what we think of your humour, your wit, and
just exactly how deep our conviction runs." "You see, what you jabrones
are failing to realise is the Rock's convictions runs deep as well - so
deep, that tonight, it's gonna be RTC against Billy Gunn...against
Chyna...and against the Rock. And one more thing, what you jabrones are
failing to realise is the Rock has a little saying and it's called Just
Bring It, and tonight's the night the Rock is gonna bring it all, IF YA
SMELLLLLLLLLLLLLLALALALALOOOW what the Rock is cookin'."
Backstage, Too Cool and Rikishi appear to have escalated their rhetoric,
and Teddy Long and Mick Foley are getting involved. Foley says Rikishi and
Too Cool will have a handicap match. Rikishi notes a lack of gratitude
from them two idiots, just like the lack of gratitude from the Rock.
Tonight he'll kick their beeps, and then he'll call out Austin and kick his
beep too!
The WWF Boot of the Week is brought to you by Lugz! From RAW, Benoit said
a few words - and later, in his match, Dean Malenko provided a crucial
distraction to secure him the tapout from Road Dogg.
CHRIS BENOIT & DEAN MALENKO (with SmackDown! is brought to you by Crunch 'n
Munch, Honda ATV's , and Subway!) v. THE NEW MAN & ROAD DOGG - LILIAN
GARCIA has taken on ring announcing at Benoit's earlier request. Dogg
spends the entire introduction pointing to Triple H. Malenko and Dogg
start - did they edit out the opening bell? Feeling out process...Malenko
avoids the contact and Dogg complains. Again they fail to lock up.
Malenko takes in Benoit. Dogg waggles his knees and tags in Triple H.
THEY don't have a problem immediately tying up, at least. I see the Paul
Miller fan club is in attendance tonight. To the corner, Benoit opens up
wtih kicks and repeated rights, then he turns to referee "Blind" Mike
Chioda, asking him to please let him continue to use the closed fist, but
that was just enough time to allow H to reverse it and open up with punches
of his own. Into the opposite corner, reversed, H ducks the clothesline
and hits the hangman's neckbreaker. Into the rope, Benoit ducks the
clothesline but H hits the high knee. 1, 2, no. Benoit reverses a whip
into the corner, pounds the back after he hits sternum first, then hits a
death suplex. Tag to Malenko. To the corner, kick, kick, kick, kick,
forearm, forearm, opposite corner, clothesline, opposite corner, boot up by
H. H with a gutshot, going for the Pedigree but Benoit is in - H lets go
to punch Benoit, and Malenko gets him from behind. Gutshot, into the
ropes, leg lariat, 1, 2, no. Into the ropes, head down, facebuster by
Triple H. Tag to Dogg - clothesline. Right. Breakin' right. Into the
ropes, big back body drop. Dogg says he better call somebody, but Malenko
holds onto the whip attempt and drives a knee in the gut - cheap shot for
Triple H as well. Benoit in - into the ropes, Dogg ducks the double
clothesline as H comes back in - H pops Benoit as Dogg punches Malenko.
Benoit and H end up outside at the commentary table - and H takes the table
shot. Inside the ring Dogg is into his left, left, left, but Malenko takes
him after the juke and jive and tries for the cloverleaf - Benoit puts H
into the STEEL steps - Dogg manages a rollup to counter the submission hold
attempt, but Benoit is in at 2. Stomp by Benoit - H pulls him out. H
takes Benoit to the table, and into the steps. Dogg with a death suplex in
the ring. Wiggly wobbly woodly kneedrop by Dogg. PERRY SATURN is out,
since Chioda is occupied with Benoit and H on the outside. Forearm for the
Dogg from Saturn, and now it's real easy for Malenko to put on the Tejas
cloverleaf...and get the tapout. (4:13) Garcia manages to pronounce the
correct winners. H hits thering and kicks Malenko out of the hold. Saturn
in - H takes him out. H punching away on Malenko and clotheslining *him*
out of the ring. Play HIS music! Hey, I think Herb just told me that H
just stole all the heat back!
Angle tells Stephanie there's just no justice in this world. Stephanie
gives him a great big pep talk and Angle provides us with amusing facial
expressions. "Tonight, let's go out there and kick some BUTT!"
"Mick Foley's Christmas Chaos" ad - available where books are sold, and
wwfshopzone.com!
Jakks Pacific "WWF Backstage Mayhem" playset ad
To the T&APA office where Test and Trish direct Albert and the TV-PG-DLV
ratings box in moving a file cabinet around. Crash comes in and tells them
he asked them to leave, now he's telling them - he wants them in a match!
He's greeted with laughter. Trish tells them to stop laughing - after all,
he's cute! Albert: "How about a hug?" Crash upends Albert's Diet Pepsi
and promises that someone's gettin' their butt kicked!
WWF CHAMPIONSHIP: KING KURT ANGLE (with Stephanie Ono) v. ? - "You know
something, people? Sometimes life is truly not fair. I mean I can
understand why you Long Islanders might be bitter, seeing as the two
greatest things to come out of here - the Islanders and Billy Joel -
haven't been any good since 1983! Oh, it's true...it's true. But I'm
different. You see, tonight I have been told that I have to defend my
title against a real tough customer. And I'm not happy about having to
face this guy, but I will say this. He is deserving...he is a legend...and
if I can get past this man tonight, I know that I will have accomplished
something great yet again. With that in mind, please welcome my next
opponent, the legendary...Brooklyn Brawler." Hmm, Brawler appears to have
COMMISSIONER McFOLEY's music. "Kurt - you know something, Kurt? In
addition to being a tremendous champion, you are also a very creative young
man, I mean, I saw where you were going with that whole Brooklyn Brawler,
New York motif; after all, Brooklyn is in New York and we're also in a part
of New York tonight. But I have to believe that you did not consult your
atlas - otherwise, you would have realised that we are not in Brooklyn
tonight, are we? No, indeed, we happen to be RIGHT HERE in Long Island,
New York! And I, better than anybody would understand that, having grown
up right here in Long Island, New York! So what I'm gonna do, I'm gonna
consider that whole Brooklyn Brawler thing null and void, and I'm gonna
present you with a historic first one-on-one title defense...right here in
Long Island, New York! A much more suitable opponent, Kurt, and I'm gonna
present him to you...right about....now."
WWF CHAMPIONSHIP: KING KURT ANGLE (with Stephanie Ono) v. CHRIS THURSDAY
JERICHO - didn't these guys wrestle before, though? Well, sure, not for
the WWF title, but... Now, because I've already been burned once by..well,
perhaps that's a poor choice of words. Because I've already wasted one
segment tonight detailing seven minutes of action only to be snookered by a
DQ, and because we got one in Jericho's match on Monday, I'm just gonna lay
out here and see if we get anything resembling a clean finish. Then, if we
DO, I'll come back and tell you about all this great action I'm blowing off
right now. Hey, remember when Trish Stratus was all into Kurt Angle?
Whatever happened with that? Well, sure enough here comes WELL IT'S KANE
*just* before Angle could tap out to the Walls of Jericho - flying
clothesline to Jericho's back (DQ 5:41) - chokeslam. "All this over a cup
of spilled coffee?" Kane sets the turnbuckles alight as Angle and
Stephanie sneak away.
Backstage, Steve Austin paces like a caged animal.
YAAAAAAAAAH ALBERT (with Trish Stratus - the fitness model - and 3DO's
Warriors of Might and Magic present Survivor Series!) v. CRASH in a
hardcore match - oh, it's a hardcore match. Albert meets him in the aisle
and pounds him. A lot. Into the ring, hard. Rolled in the ring, and
Albert goes for the weaponry. Garbage can lid to the head. Albert getting
in the ring and Crash manages to crotch him as he straddles the top rope.
People shouldn't go in that way! Crash with a strap - whip! Whip! On the
back, choking him with the strap...but Albert tosses him over. Can to the
head by Albert. Backstage, Steve Blackman watches in the magic window.
Albert whips Crash into the corner, into the opposite corner, yaaaaah
clothesline. Crash lying in the ropes - Albert catapults him into the
second rope. Albert outside - he's got the steps. Back in - Crash with a
elbow, elbow. elbow, kicks the knee, off the ropes, ducks a clothesline and
dropkicks the knee. Crash with a trashcan lid - to the knee! Kick to the
knee, lid to the knee, lid to the head. Lid to the head again. Kick.
Into the opposite corner is reversed, yaaaaah press...but Crash wriggles
free and kicks the knee again! Albert has a broomstick - and breaks it
over his back. Albert starts to give him a look...Crash looks at the stick
parts and decides to do a Blackman impersonation - but Albert catches his
atttempt before he can land any stick. Into the corner, Crash gets the
boots up, shot to the head, tornado DDT! 1, 2, Albert kicks out. Crash
with another shot to the head. Gutshot, lid to the head. Crash moves ths
steps between Albert's legs, grabs the STOP sign and...hits the steps. And
again. And five more times. Don't know how this hurts Albert, but
apparently it does. Crash outside for the fire extinguisher - Albert moves
the steps in front of him and blocks the shot. Albert with a garbage can
lid. Albert's limping noticably now. Albert with the yaaaaaaah double
underhook slam for the pin. (4:37) He's REALLY limping now...
Hey lookit Rikishi! He's pacing around like Austin!
Last Week in Phoenix, the Make-A-Wish Foundation gave the Rock an award for
Celebrity Wish Granter of the Year. I guess they cut all the UPN bumpers
so they could show this?
JONATHAN COACHMAN asks for Rikishi's reaction to Steve Austin's
"misunderstanding" description. Rikishi calls Austin a liar. Hey, he's
right! Tonight, he's beating Too Cool down like dogs...then he's calling
out Austin. Rikishi is the force here in the WWF! Rikishi promises two
things for Austin - he'll be bloodied...and he'll be buried. And it WON'T
be a misunderstanding.
Look! Mr. Ass and Chyna are WALKING!
Elsewhere, the Rock is WALKING!
Meanwhile, on Chris Jericho's party island, everyone eats ravioli.
RIGHT TO CENSOR (except Ivory...with Ivory) v. BAZOOKA JO(ANI)E and MR. ASS
and IF YA SMELLLLLLL - Chyna appears on MTV's Diary tonight at 10:30!
Oops, I missed it. I'm sure it will be replayed six or seven times...
Ivory isn't in this match because GOD forbid Chyna actually locks up with a
WOMAN. Venis and Rock start. Rock finds himself distracted by Goodfather,
and unfortunately ends up taking an elbow in the back from Venis while
striking him. Venis all over the Rock. Right, right. Into the ropes,
back elbow, elbowdrop, off the ropes with the kneedrop. 1, 2, Rock kicks
out. Right. Into the ropes, reversed, back elbow by the Rock. stomp,
stomp, stomp, Rock tries to reverse a whip into the Rock Bottom, but
Buchanan comes in - now they're all in - referee "Blind" Tim White puts
Chyna and Ass back while the four-way stompdown goes on behind his back.
Venis with the vertical suplex after all that for 2. Into the ropes,
reversed, head down, kick by Venis, Venis off the ropes, Samoan Drop by
Rock for 2. Tag to Chyna. Kick, crappy elbow, crappy elbow, Venis with a
drop toehold. Chyna with a clothesline. Swinging neckbreaker. 1, 2, no.
Venis to the eyes. Tag to Richards. Kick, kick, kick, kick, kick, choke.
"Look into my eyes!" White forces the break. Into the opposite corner is
reversed, Richards put back to the opposite corner, crappy
handspring...splash? Tag to Gunn (we call him Gunn on SmackDown!, you see)
- bulldog. Kick, kick, kick, big beal to his corner so he can tag
Goodfather. Duck, right, right, right, into the ropes is reversed, but
Gunn holds on - then runs into a superkick. Stomp, stomp, stomp, tag to
Buchanan. Into the ropes by Goodfather, kick, gutwrench - semi-Censorbomb
a la Venis - only gets 2. Tag to Venis. Open kick. Right, kick, kick,
into the ropes, reversed, duck, double...facejam? Whatever it was, both
men are down. Tag to Buchanan, hot tag to Rock! Block, right, right,
right, into the ropes, duck, spinebuster,Venis gets a right, right, right,
NOW KISS THAT RIGHT to take him outside - shots for Goodfather and Richards
on the outside - Rock Bottom for Buchanan - 1, 2, RTC swarms and breaks it
up. Well it's a Pier Seven brawl now as EVERYBODY hits the ring. Gunn
takes out Goodfather and Venis with a clothesline while Chyna takes
Richards outside. Where's Ivory during all this? Rock catches a kick,
dragon screw legwhip, sharpshooter... and Buchanan taps! (5:30)
Austin's still pacing, so don't stop watching!
XFL cheerleader display. Hey, I kinda doubt they'll be wearing outfits
like this when it's SNOWING outside.
WWF Backstage Mayhem ad #2
Yesterday, the WWF took over the New York Stock Exchange. Please enjoy
this Special Video Look.
RAVEN (with Tazzzzzzzzzzzzz) v. AL SNOW (with Head) - Tazz joins our pair
of kings - MICHAEL KING COLE & JERRY LAWLER - and tells Lawler it's time
for him to get "the rub. Hahahahahaaha!" Tazz offers King a new joke:
"What do you call a pig who loves karate? Pork chop! AHHHAHAHAHAHA!" I'm
gonna start calling him "Pete" until he goes back to dressing like a
caveman and calling himself the Tasmaniac and fighting Sabu in front of
twelve people in a high school auditorium. THAT'LL show 'em. Meantime,
I'll be amused by his commentary. Meanwhile, there's a match in this ring
between Raven (perhaps I should call him "Scott" until he becomes Johnny
Polo again, huh?) and Snow (perhaps I should...okay, maybe I'm overdoing
it). Lockup, to the corner, Raven right, kick, kick, into the opposite
corner, but Snow holds on, through the legs, pounding, pumphandle back
suplex. Superkick. Snow pounds Raven to the outside. Dropkick through
the ropes! Head to the barricade. Snow on the barricade - Raven crotches
him. Raven with a Russian legsweep into the barricade. Back in the ring,
1, 2, kickout. Raven gouging the eyes, shot to the back, off the ropes
with a discus right. Snapmare takeover, dropping down for the...wow,
stretching him out with a chinlock across his shoulder while grapevining
the leg. Into the corner, knee, bulldog, 2. Snow with a head to the gut,
again, kick, kick, big kick. Into the ropes, drop toehold from Snow, going
outside - springing in with a legdrop. Scoop...and a slam. "Did you hear
about the three peanuts walking down the street in Redhook? One got
a-salted. AHHHHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!" Lawler: "The first time I heard that joke
I laughed so hard I wet my diaper!" Tazz: "Diaper? You had Depends?
AHHHAHAHAH MC, Depends!" Cole has a classic roll of the eyes in here, too.
Lawler: "I hope I live to be as old as your jokes." Snow's top rope
guillotine legdrop misses - Raven tries the snapmare, but Snow counters
with a backslide for 2. Right to the back, right, Snow reverses - Dragon
sleeper!! Tazz leaves his headset...Snow breaks the hold and looks out,
where Tazz is staring down Lawler. Snow outside with a blindside
clothesline to Tazz. Ever hear Lawler cheer on Tazz? Back in the ring,
but Raven hits the big ol' DDT for the pin. (3:16 - hmmm) Post-match,
Tazz joins Raven in a beatdown of Snow. Lawler decides he better join the
party. With the numbers even, Lawler and Snow manage to take Raven and
Tazz out of the ring. Hey, Lawler and Snow are buddies now!
Too Cool is WALKING! They seem less happy than normal.
Meanwhile, Rikishi is WALKING!
Buchanan ad - am I in a Buchanan demographic or something? By the
way...Nader voters are nothing more than Green Party *kooks* - the sad part
is, probably three-quarters of those voters won't even realise it when they
cast their ballot because they care more about the name than the party.
Vote Libertarian, won't you? Harry Browne wants you to be free!
Chris Jericho will guest host Heat - and Fozzy will be performing!
RIKASHMONEY v. TOO COOL - Steve Austin watches a monitor backstage. Too
Cool ain't dancin' down that aisle - quickly they hit the ring and start
doubleteaming. Too Cool weigh 438 - only fourteen pounds more than one
Rikishi. (Or, if you're Cole, "seven.") Double dropkick takes Rikishi to
the outside. Too Cool out - Rikishi with uppercuts to each man, taking
them down. Hotty sent into the STEEL steps, Sexay put into the commentary
table. Rikishi with a chair - referee "Blind" Earl Hebner pulls it away.
Hotty put in the ring - right, right, into the ropes, duck, Hotty tries a
sunset flip - buttdrop MISSES. Sexay back in, right, right, right, into
the opposite corner is reversed, but Sexay puts up the superkick - Hotty
with a superkick - elbowdrop by Sexay, by Hotty, by Sexay, by Hotty, Sexay
up to the top, no goggles 'cause he's SERIOUS - Tennessee Jam hits...but
Rikishi kicks him out with authority at 2. Hotty with the bulldog.
Hotty's gonna go for the Worm anyway - well, guess he's not as serious
after all. Sure enough, all that stalling gave Rikishi time to get up and
throw a superkick in mid-worm. Austin's still watching. Rikishi drags
Hotty to the corner...BANZAI DROP. Hebner ignores Rikishi holding the
ropes and counts...1, 2, 3. (2:04) Sexay back in - right, right, right,
right, off the ropes, Rikishi catches him in a Samoan Drop. Crowd chanting
"Austin" but there's no Austin as Rikishi puts Sexay in an adjacent corner.
BAN..ZAI...DROP. Play his music again! Leaving Too Cool completely laid
out, Rikishi asks for the microphone...and gets it. "Austin! If you have
any guts, bring your ass out here right now."
That's enough for Austin. He starts to leave the room, but as he opens the
door, a gloved hand swings a wrench to Austin's cranium, knocking him
COMPLETELY cold. Stone Cold, even!
"Austin - get up boy! You're the big bad Stone Cold Steve Austin! Come
out here! Come on, Austin. Come out to plaaay. Austin - crawl, crawl and
come out here. Come here, Austin! Come on Austin! Crawl like a dog!"
Austin's forehead has been bloodied, and he's crawling...and now staggering
to his feet, makins his way to the ring.
"Come on Rattlesnake. Come let's play! Come on!" I hear glass - Rikishi
up the aisle to head him off. Still don't see him...Rikishi to the
curtain...but he comes back out with Austin throwing rights! Rikishi
punches back! Austin's down! Austin's rolling! Down the ramp we go -
Rikishi right, right, kneedrop, kneedrop, crowd chants "Let's go Austin" as
they hit the ring. Block, right, right, right, right, right, right, into
the ropes, KICK WHAM - oh, no, Rikishi shoves him off - RIKISHIKICK!
Rikishi drags him over to the corner - don't tell me he's gonna....OHHHH
YES - BAN...ZAI....DROP!!!!!!! Play HIS music! Austin has been bloodied -
and now, he was just buried. "RIKISHI'S A MONSTER!"
Christopher Robin Zimmerman
www.CRZ.net