by Christopher Robin Zimmerman WrestleLine/WrestleManiacs I don't know about you, but I hope that after Bush is inaugurated, he BURNS ALL THE FORESTS TO THE GROUND. *That'll* show those Greens. I saw "Dancer in the Dark" yesterday. MAN that was some depressing stuff. Surprisingly, Bjork CAN act. Still, I think it's safe to say that if I were alone in California, I wouldn't go within ten MILES of this film. Fortunately for ME, I'm in New York and very much UNalone. UNfortunately for me, I also have a 100% report rate for *this* show and my pride won't let me drop that percentage any lower, so let's move on. The saga...continues.... The city may change, but it's still UPN - Thursday! TV-PG-DLV - One World Leader Attitude - WWOR - SECAUCUS Monday highlights Opening credits, close captioned PYRO! The hottest crowd in the country has once again turned out in full force at the Reunion Arena in Dallas, TX 9.11.2K (taped Election Day) - transmitido en espanol SAP and sweeeeeeeeeeeps month worthy, it's WWF SMACKDOWN! THE NEW MAN has new music but the same loooooong-ass entrance. Tonight, the #1 Contender will be decided with a four corners match pitting Undertaker, Benoit, Jericho and Kane! The crowd starts right in with the "asshole" chant after the (yikes - three minute?) entrance. "Where - where are your applause? Where are the cheers, now - now you're gonna hate me? Now you're gonna boo me? Let me ask you people a question. I stand in this ring - do I make you sick?" "Yeah!" "Well, good. Because the feeling is mutual. You see, over the past few weeks, every time you people have cheered me, I've wanted to puke. Every time you chanted my name, it made me sicker and sicker and sicker." Sign in crowd: "BLAH BLAH BLAH" Crowd chants "Austin" instead. "Yeah, Stone Cold. Stone Cold Steve Austin. Who ran down Stone Cold Steve Austin? Who could do such a thing? Who could be that sick? Who could mastermind such a plan? Who could get into a car and run the Rattlesnake over like a dog in the street? Let me tell you who could do that. Let me introduce you to the man...that could get into a car and mow over another human being. Let me introduce you to the man that danced his way straight to the bank...RIKISHI." I went to WWF New York earlier tonight, hoping to find some Rikishi shirts in clearance - but Rikishi shirts were still $25, so I passed. I'll probably regret it later. Hey, Tazz has a new orange shirt - it's even got "Survive if I let you" on it! Notice how I have all this time? These people walk SLOWLY to the ring. Of course, Rikishi's a hefty dude so we can let that one go. "You damn right I did it. And I LIKED it. And this is how I did it - turn the key, put the car in drive, press the gas, and run the man DOWN. And that's how I got my big break. It's not the same kinda break Austin got by running over the hood of the Rock's rented car. You see, the Rock was just an excuse - hell, I don't even give a damn about the Rock! And the Rock can never be a part of Rikishi's family! Because - because - THIS is my family." He points to Triple H as the crowd starts chanting "Rock E!" "And the Rock is just another joke." "You see, you people are upset because you didn't see it coming - you never saw it coming. Who could have mastermind this? Rikishi, who could have come up with such an elaborate plan? Let me spell it out for you - H - H - H! Who gained the most in Austin's absence? *I did.* I held the World Wrestling Federation championship longer than anybody in Austin's absence! I married the boss' daughter in Austin's absence! I RAN the World Wrestling Federation in Austin's absence! Hell, I WAS the damn World Wrestling Federation in Austin's absence. And you ask - who could do such a thing - hell, a child could have seen it - a child could have seen that it was me - but the World Wrestling Federation fans...you were all too stupid to see anything. Stone Cold Steve Austin's fans were too stupid to see anything! Stone Cold Steve Austin himself was too stupid to see anything, so tonight I'm taking it upon myself to show you. Roll the footage. You see, Austin, every time you thought you'd figured out what was goin' on, a new swerve - that's me in tha car, Austin, luring you away so that your little buddy JR could get what he had coming. You never saw it coming, Austin. From there, the big hero to make the save...and the wrench to the head. Austin, that's me on the other side of that door - and you never saw it coming. Now who could be on the phone with Stone Cold when a 300 pound crate drops from the ceiling? Yeah, I missed - but not by much. And who is it, Steve - who's there? Let me tell ya - it was me...and Austin, ya never saw it coming. And here comes the big hero, the Rock, your partner...and there goes the Rock, no longer your partner. And on the other side of that cart - me. And the Rock never saw it coming. And Austin, words of wisdom. I'm lookin' you dead in the eye, Austin, and I'm tellin' you - DTA - don't trust anybody. And STILL...you never saw it coming. And then...the hero. The white knight coming in to make the big save. And sure, I get rid o' one piece of crap. And then it's time to get rid of another. There's your save, Austin - there's your big save - a sledgehammer to the head. You know you CAN get blood from a Stone, and Austin...you never saw it coming. And Austin, believe me, whenever you step in the ring with me....you never, EVER, will see it coming. Austin: game over." COMMISSIONER McFOLEY is out at this point. "Triple H...last week, you and I shared a high five together, didn't we? Then three days ago on RAW, we laughed together, didn't we? Despite the fact that you ended my career, Triple H, I was starting to like you - hell, the WWF fans were starting to like you! So on RAW, when you caved in Steve Austin's skull with a sledgehammer, you were also slapping me in the face! You were slapping all the WWF fans in the face as well, because you were right - we never saw it coming! Now, if you can fool Mick Foley, if you can fool Stone Cold, if you can fool the Rock, and if you can fool the WWF fans, then I guess congratulations are in order, because we never saw it coming. But you see, I oughta be congratulating the two of you on the matches I just made for Survivor Series. Because you see, Rikishi, at Survivor Series, you will be taking on...the Rock. So I guess you better start giving a damn about the Rock because there will be hell to pay. And Triple H, you win the grand prize, because at Survivor Series you will take on Stone Cold Steve Austin. And now, incidentally, the only reason that Stone Cold and the Rock are not here right now attempting to annihilate the two of you is because I had a little speech with the two of them this morning, and I told them about, not only the matches that would take place at Survivor Series, but about a little tag team match that will take place In That Very Ring tonight...right here in Dallas, Texas! Because Rikishi, you and Triple H WILL take on Stone Cold Steve Austin and the Rock. Have a nice day!" "Foley! Foley! We *will* have a nice day. And when Austin and Rock get here and they get in this ring, Rikishi and I will make sure that Rock and Austin have a hell of a day." Guess that "Island boy" angle just got silently dropped, eh? "Put that footage of Snuka away, we don't need him no more!" The "Z" in Hardyz stands for "Zelda" Jakks Pacific Backstage Mayhem playset Dudley Boyz "No Mercy" for the N64 ad Check out the Dallas skyline - and the outside of the BEAUTIFUL Reunion Arena WWF INTERCONTINENTAL CHAMPIONSHIP: THE 1 BILLY GUNN (with That Slut Chyna...and SmackDown! is brought to you by THQ's "No Mercy," Crunch 'n Munch, and SEGA!) v. EDDIE GUERRERO (with Perry & Terri) - The One has a new song, entrance video, and nickname apparently decided some time between taping (when ring announcer Tony Chimel introduced him as "Billy Gee") and airtime (when the chyron said "The One BILLY GUNN with Chyna"), and of course it's only MY opinion (but it may be yours) that this is about a MILLION times better than that OTHER name they tried hard to run by us last week...and Monday. At any rate, here's that match we WOULD have had at No Mercy but for Guerrero's injury....but even then, there's a wildcard in the presence of Perry Saturn and Terri at ringside - a result of the newly regrouped Radicals sticking together. Let's go - Gunn kicking away as Guerrero gets in - right, into the ropes, back body drop. Dudleyz get a tag title shot tonight! Into the corner, big press - one-handed, even! And drop. Kick, kick, right, stomp, stomp, stomp, stomp, referee "Blind" Jack Doan pulls him off. Guerrero rolls outside, but Chyna is waiting with two crappy elbows...and tossing him back in. Gunn right, into the corner, into the opposite corner. Big splash. Fame'Asser, but the foot's on the ropes - 1, 2, 3 - ahh, Doan *finally* sees it and doesn't raise his hand. Gunn back on him - right, right, jackhammer. Well, Saturn decides to come in and save the belt (DQ 1:33) - Chyna is in - DEAN MALENKO & CHRIS BENOIT are out - Chyna gets a crossface (YEAH!) while Malenko chokes out Gunn, letting him watch. Guerrero giving Chyna a big case of the badmouth...and sealing it with a kiss. The Radicals' music plays, and everybody's all smiles in the aisle. We look backstage, where Austin and the Rock are set to show up...sometime later. XFL promo Battledome is on Sunday night at 12:30am - think I'll skip it Edge & Christian take issue with the bucket of heinosity that is the Dudleyz getting the first tag team title shot, since they had a deal with the Right to Censor to get the first shot after helping them win. Foley says the deal is that HE makes the deals, not the RtC. They will get a match with they Hardy Boyz instead - TONIGHT! Let's Take a Special Video Look at the burning issue between Kane and Chris Jericho - come to think of it, that's a rather unfortunate choice of words CHRIS THURSDAY JERICHO has a few words, right after this entrance. Tonight, Jericho AND Kane are two of the four participants in the #1 Contender's match - which would seem to preclude either of them winning, hmmmm. "Kane, I must admit I was relieved when I found out that your problem with me did not revolve around a cup of coffee. But, when I heard your real reason, it really perplexed me. Let me get this straight - you're jealous because you think Y2J is one of the 'pretty people.' Well first of all, it's a little bit unsettling to find out that a seven foot tall, 350 pound grown man finds me to be...pretty. And second of all, Kane, have you seen these sideburns? There's nothing pretty about THESE monstrosities! But don't get me wrong, I guess - I guess I can be considered a...halfway decent looking guy. But quite honestly, Kane, I think you're selling yourself short! I mean, I think your look - the Kane look - could blaze a fashion trend across this entire nation - I mean, I think it could be huge! So what I have done, is I have taken the liberty to show you just how pretty you can be, so if you're watching, check this out! Okay, look at this male model - I guess you consider him to be one of the beautiful people. BUT, how much more beautiful would he become if he adopted...THE KANE. That's pretty. OR, take our two presidential candidates...I mean, both of them colourless, both of them dull, but if you give them THE KANE...then we've got a political party that every Jerichoholic would like to attend! Well, you see, this doesn't just apply to guys, I mean it applies to girls too. Take Britney Spears for example. I mean, she's gorgeous, she's one of the beautiful people, but how much more beautiful would she be if she adopted THE LOOK. I mean, think about it, she could call her next hit 'Oops! I did it a-KANE.' And this also applies to images from the past. I mean, how much more revered and priceless would a classic art masterpiece like the Mona Lisa become if it became the KANE-a Lisa? You see, junior, what I'm trying to tell you is if you had a little self-confidence in yourself, you too could be pretty. I mean, you could become The Sexiest Man in America! ("Peeples" magazine cover shows Kane with hot chicks) And believe me, that would make EVERYBODY happy! (Smile on mask) 'cause I know, Kane, that we all have our pretty side. But we all also have our ugly side as well. And I know that you are more than just an ugly, disfigured face. I mean, deep down inside, you are an ugly, disfigured, unforgiving, unrelenting monster BUT I have to warn you - Y2J also has an ugly side. Y2J also has a disfigured side. 'cause believe me, jerky, there's nothing pretty about trying to decaptitate you with a set of steel steps! And there is nothing pretty about enjoying it so much that I want to do it again and over and over and over and OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER...so tonight, after I beat you and the Undertaker and Chris Benoit and I become the #1 Contender for the World Wrestling Federation championship, we can go in the back, we can relax and we can exchange beauty tips, 'cause believe me, when this is done, you will never ("ever!") I said you will never ("ever!") ever be the same again." LILIAN GARCIA stands ready to meet a limousine pulling up. Well, maybe after the ad break. WrestleMania 17 takes on the Astrodome on Sunday, 1 April 2001! Tickets go on sale this Saturday! If you aren't in Houston, call 713 581 1WWF - or visit wwf.com! Log onto wwfzelda.com now - NOW! This is #2 for this one, yup. "No Mercy" ad #2 UPN bumper - hey look, Rikishi is hanging with Too Cool I am GRAVELY disappointed that the UPN 9 News doesn't have a WWF story to try to hook me with this week. I thought they did that EVERY week. But no, tonight's hype story is on...VIDEO GAMES? Blaaaaah During the Break, Kurt Angle exited the limousine. Lilian Garcia said she didn't have questions for him - she was waiting for Austin or the Rock. Angle accused her of being very unprofessional. "Wait for Stone Cold Steve Austin - wait for the Rock - maybe there's a little 'hanky panky' going on there? How do you keep your job?" And off he WALKED EDGE & CHRISTIAN v. HARDY BOYZ (with Lita) - Those cool yellow T-shirts aren't available at WWF New York yet. What's this, the second match? Sheesh. Everybody hooks up in the aisle - Edge with Jeff, Matt putting Christian into the STEEL steps. Jeff turning it around in the ring, into the opposite corner is reversed, Jeff climbs the ropes with no hands, springing off with a corkscrew moonsault that only finds canvas. Edge runs Jeff shoulder first into the post, then taunts Matt. As referee "Blind" Mike Chioda keeps Matt out of the action, Christian wraps Jeff's arm around the bottom rope. Tonight, Buchanan & Goodfather take on the Dudleyz! Edge outside and putting his forearm around Jeff's kidneys. Stomp. Back in the ring. Tag to Christian. Stomp, stomp, stomp, stomp. Fireman's carry into a gutbuster - nice. Christian puts Jeff's arm between his shins, then drops back. Christian to the armbar - is he working a body party here? Tag to Edge. Christian pounds on the arm. Edge with a scoop slam on the left arm. Now Edge goes to the arm bar. Jeff slowly rising...to his feet - right, Edge cranks on the arm - right, blind tag by Christian, Jeff with a hiptoss, back elbow for Christian, dropkick for Edge - Christian off the top but Jeff ducks and the crossbody hits Edge! Jeff sails across the ring and makes the HOT TAG to Matt! Right for Christian, right for Edge, right for Christian, clothesline for Edge, sleeper neckbreaker for Christian, 2. Catching Edge's boot - spinning him around, gutshot, going for the Twist of Fate but Christian pulls him backwards to the mat - 1, 2, Jeff breaks it up. Edge runs at Jeff, but he lowers the bridge. Lita with a scary rana on Edge. Inside the ring, Matt hits the Twist of Fate, Jeff with the swantonbomb, Matt with the cover - and the 3 count. The Hardyz CHEAT. (3:44) Replay of the apron-to-floor rana on Edge. Hey! Chris Benoit is WALKING! Meanwhile, Kane's found a staircase - and down it he is WALKING! Wow! There's Chris Jericho! He's WALKING! Holy crap! The Undertaker is WALKING! What happened to his motorcycle? Sunday Night Heat on MTV ad "No Mercy" ad #3 You're watching UPN! WWF fans - get ready for the ultimate fan ticket contest! Win tickets to the Royal Rumble in New Orleans! All you have to do is...watch UPN 9 news, NEXT! YEAH! THAT'S that news hype I was WAITING for! "Mick Foley's Christmas Chaos" ad Lilian Garcia continues to lay in wait - isn't it COLD out there in that miniskirt? Well, it IS Tejas.... HEY HEY HEY HEY (on his Beautiful Titan Bike) v. CHRIS THURSDAY JERICHO v. CHRIS BENOIT v. WELL IT'S KANE in a four corners match to determine the #1 Contender - Damned if those STEEL steps didn't somehow rise up and levitate their way next to the barricade! 'taker makes threatening moves towards Chimel and referee "Blind" Tim White, and they clear the ring. Strangely, no ring introductions until Benoit comes out. Jericho decides to meet Kane on the ramp and they start out - back and forth we go. Bell rings as Kane puts Jericho in, and Benoit goes to work on him - into the ropes, back elbow. Death suplex. Backbreaker across the knee gets 2 for Benoit. Right hand. Into the ropes, duck, spinning heel kick by Jericho. Kurt Angle watches a monitor. Clothesline by Jericho..for 2. European forearm, chop, chop, into the ropes, Benoit ducks, mid-air collision and both men are down. Benoit tags Kane. Jericho ducks, right, right, right, right, kick, kick, kick, into the opposite corner is reversed by Kane, going for...something, but Jericho breaks free, forearm to the back of the head, to the buckle, going for the bulldog but Kane clotheslines him. Head to the buckle by Kane. Right, right, right, right. Hey, how 'bout a right. Kane with the choke - and tossing him by the throat. Angle's still watching from the locker room. Short clothesline by Kane. Drops the elbow. Jericho put in the corner, but he gets the boots up - and again - and there's a dropkick from the second turnbuckle - going for the Lionsault! 1, 2, Benoit saves it with a swandive headbutt. Kane puts Jericho in the ropes, duck, Jericho flies off and tags Benoit - who runs right into a right from Kane. Right, right, forearm. Benoit fires back, right, neckbreaker. Gutshot, into the ropes, reversed, giant press...and drop. 1, 2, Benoit gets the shoulder up. Into the ropes, big boot. Elbowdrop by Kane...misses. Benoit puts Kane into the corner, then catches him backing out with a death suplex. But Kane hits the zombie situp! Benoit off the ropes, ducks a Kane clothesline, but falls into a powerslam. 1, 2, Jericho breaks it up! Kane's too close to Undertaker - he tags himself in! Soupbone, soupbone, soupbone, into the opposite corner, Benoit's boot up, kick, kick, kick, kick, into the corner is reversed, 'Taker scoops him up, powerslam, Jericho makes the save. So 'taker gives HIM a soupbone. Benoit tags Kane...what'll happen here? Kane drags Jericho back in the ring. White calls that as a tag. Soupbone. Into the ropes, Jericho with a kick, right, right, off the ropes...but caught in a choke. Benoit in, Benoit gets a big boot. 'Taker tosses Benoit as Kane hits a five storey chokeslam. Kane turns around - and HE takes the chokeslam from the Undertaker! This'd be a good time for that tombstone - oh yeah, they don't let him do that move anymore. Wedgiebomb, instead. 1, 2, 3. LET THE MAN DO HIS DAMN MOVE! Regardless, Undertaker is YOUR #1 Contender. (6:36) Replay of the...sigh. Another limousine pulls up - and the Rock exits. Lilian tries to get a soundbite, but Rock blows by her without a word. Terri Runnels guests on Freedom - Friday! Your'e watching UPN! And now, the WWF Smash Hit - brought to you by "Strait Up." From RAW, shenanigans abound and the Right to Censor score the tag team championship. Golly, when *I* die, I hope people will record a tribute album for ME! WWF TAG TEAM CHAMPIONSHIP: WALL BUCHANAN & GOODFATHER (with Steven Richards & Ivory) v. THOSE DAMN DUDLEYZ - Ivory takes a swipe at D-Von, distracting him long enough for Buchanan to take command - rforearm, right, right, right, left, right, right, right, left, into the corner, back elbow by D-Von. Off the ropes, ducking a clothesline, flying jalapeno. Right. Right, Buchanan rakes the face. Put into the bad corner, then distracting referee "Blind" Teddy Long. D-Von manages a back elbow for the Goodfather, but Richards and Ivory trip him up, then make a wish with the ringpost. Tag to Goodfather - into the ropes, gutshot by Buchanan, kick to the face by Goodfather. Into the ropes, shoulderblock by Goodfather. Death suplex. 1, 2, no. Crowd chanting "table." Tag to Buchanan - double into the ropes, double gutshot, double head to the mat. Stomp by Buchanan, right, into the ropes, double head to the mat and both men are down. Both mean reaching - tag to Goodfather, HOT TAG to Buh Buh Ray! Clothesline, clothesline, sidewalk slam, Goodfather backs into a piggyback - Dudley Device! 1, 2, Buchanan saves. D-Von in - Buchanan puts him in the ropes, but he slides under - hot shot - Buh Buh Ray with a bodyslam. "Wassup." D-Von does the dance, and Buh Buh Ray asks him to please acquire a piece of furniture. D-Von outside the find the table, but Richards runs at him with a tag belt - duck, right. Goodfather back in to distract him - right for Buh Buh Ray, right, D-Von back in - into the ropes, 3D! Dudley Death Drop! Buh Buh Ray covers but Long is busy with Ivory. BALD VENIS is in at this point, picking up the title on his way in - belt shot for Buh Buh Ray - Goodfather put on top - 1, 2, 3. (4:13) Evil grins all around. Hey, look! It's Stone Cold Steve Austin! And.....and.......and......AND HE'S WALKING! You're watching WWF SmackDown! On UPN! Watch the UPN 9 news and win a free trip to Nawlins and the Royal Rumble! Just answer the "simple" WWF trivia question! Commentators hype Terri Runnels guesting on "Freedom!" Friday on UPN! KING KURT ANGLE is out to ... well, let's find out together, shall we? "It seems to me you people - and by you people, I mean all of America - owe Your Olympic Hero an apology. For months, I've been trying to tell you what a crummy guy Triple H is, but did you people listen? No. And I hate to say that I told you so, but guess what - I was right all along. And after watching how you people reacted all summer long - and I don't agree with Triple H on a lot, but he was right about one thing - how gullible ARE you people? But there is good news. With Triple H out of the people, you people need someone you can cheer for. From the tiniest toddler, to the oldest senile senior citizen - and I hate to say it's not Triple H, and it's definitely not a prima donna like the Rock - and sorry, Steve Austin, but beer guzzling rednecks don't cut it either. There is only one person that you can trust, that you can look up to, and that will never turn his back on you, and that is none other than Your Olympic Hero. And let's face it, you people - and especially you people here in Dallas - need a new hero. I mean, come on, the Dallas Cowboys? A team that calls itself America's Team? Well maybe if America was comprised of criminals, miscreants and mediocre football players, sure! But until then, an I know this is physically impossible, but just consider me the human equivalent to America's Team." Here to offer a polite retort is HEY HEY HEY HEY, *not* on his bike for some strange reason. "Undertaker, what are you doing out here? This is MY interview time! Well, I'm not being interviewed right now, but this is my time - I'm addressing the People! You don't come out here and disrespect the WWF Champion, not to mention...Olympic Gold Medalist - that's true!" "Well, golden boy, I just came out here to ask you one question." "What?" "Do you know where you're standing?" "Uhh...YEAH. In the middle of the ring. Heh!" "No, you see that's where you're wrong. You're in my yard." "What are you talkin' about?" "And I'm the big dog that runs that yard. So basically, what it is I'm saying, golden boy - come Survivor Series, you will become the first casualty of Dead Man, Incorporated." OHHHHHHH THEY CALL ME COWBOY Jakks Pacific "WWF Backstage Mayhem" ad #2 And now, Lugz presents the WWF Boot of the Week! From RAW, the Albertbomb gives T&A the victory...but Crash and Mona spoil the party. MR. PARTY TIME STEVE BLACKMAN (with Riggs & Murtaugh) and MAYBE LATER v. T&A (with Trish Stratus - the fitness model) in a hardcore tag match - After Blackman enters, we go backstage to find his partner, CRASH MAY GET HIS LAST NAME BACK, who stands with KEVIN "NAILZ" KELLY. Crash introduces the former Mona as MOLLY HOLLY, another cousin. We're *this* close to bringing back ALL the hillbillies at this rate. Anyway, Crash called on his cousin because, while he has no problem fighting Test and Albert, he can't get involved with any fisticuffs with Trish - "she's a girl!" So he called on Molly. T&A sport APA T-shirts with "T&" masking taped on by hand. Doubleteam on Blackman until Crash's music hits and out they run. Crash finds a garbage can lid and lays in wait for Test - WHACK1 In the ring - WHACK for Albert - WHACK - handing it off to Blackman as Crash gets another one. Discus lid shot. Blackman holds him for a Crash discus lid shot. Test pulls Crash out and drops him on the barricade. Into the corner, do si do yaaah whip. Test with a gutwrench powerbomb. Crash in - but T&A are as wall. Double yaaaaaaaaaah press and drop. Stomping away. Molly in - lid shot on Albert has no effect. They back her up into a fire extinguisher shot from Trish. Dumped to the outside. Back to the doubleteam in the corner - meanwhile, Blackman has produced the black bag. Hey Blackman, they're KILLING Crash, you may want to hold off on hitting your catchphrase until you save him. Hundred stick sof Albert - hundred sticks for Test. Test gets the stick in the crotch slam. 1, 2, Albert saves. Albert tosses Blackman as Crash pours it on on Test - big DDT - but Test puts up the big boot. Test signals for the elbow and goes up top...but Molly comes in and crotches him. Ducking a lid shot from Trish - gutshot, lid shot, Molly over to Test - Frankensteiner! Kendo stick given to Crash - kendo stick swing from the second rope - covering Test - 1, 2, 3!! (3:43) Kevin Kelly - WOW! - stands in front of an exciting door! WWF Fanatic Series ad - "Hell Yeah: Stone Cold's Saga Continues" "WWF Super Vixen" Terri Runnels stars on "Freedom!" AGAIN! WWF Backstage Mayhem ad #3 - I think. I'm losing count Footage from the WrestleMania press conference - Vince McMahon promises 66,000 tickets on sale. Mick Foley said "Hoston, Texas." Thirty-eight states and ten countries already have reservations. Undertaker provides local flavour. Debra...I don't know, says something or other. Kurt Angle. Jim Ross. And so on. Tickets on sale Saturday! Information....was typed up earlier. Kurt Angle is ready to leave...but Debra catches up to him. She and Foley have been watching and they know how unappreciated he is. She says Foley has booked him in a title match against "special, deserving opponent" on Heat. Your commentators are a pair of kings - MICHAEL KING COLE & JERRY LAWLER. This Sunday on Heat, your guest host is...the Road Dogg! WOW! Kevin Kelly stands in the mighty presence of the Rock. He says "testicles," and offers up the horns of the Brahma Bull as the object of rectal insertion du jour. I'm on vacation, so you'll just have to imagine the rest of it this week. Meanwhile, Steve Austin is WALKING! WWF Shop Zone ad - .com or 203 601 5020 "No Mercy" ad #4? Yeah You're watching SmackDown! on UPN! Rikishi IS standing between Too Cool, just ignore it! And now, the WWF Rewind, presented by WWF "No Mercy" - a game you MAY have heard of this week. Triple H does some bad shit with the sledgehammer, yo THE NEW MAN and RIKASHMONEY v. IF YA SMELLLL and STONE COLD STEVE AUSTIN - Five minutes left as we start - and you KNOW Triple H is gonna get like two minutes for his entrance, so.... what *I* want to know is...are they FINALLY gonna make a decision and have one of these two guys enter first - and one of these guys enter second? And WHO? WHO will it be? The Rock...or Stone Cold Steve Austin? Warriors of Might and Magic present WWF Survivor Series - in ten days! Looks like we've got about three minutes...man, either my clock is off or this'll be a big ol' NUTHIN. Well, shut my mouth - they put Rock first. Rock sprints to the ring, clothesline for Triple H, and onto Rikishi - rightright, right, right, stomp, stomp, stomp, stomp, stomp, stomp, stomp, and so on as I hear glass. Thesz press for H - stomp, stomp, stomp, and so on. It's a Pier Four Brawl - oh, wait, here' CHRIS BENOIT & PERRY SATURN - he's EDDIE GUERRERO & DEAN MALENKO - here's a short night's work for referee "Blind" Earl Hebner. (No contest) Rikishi and Triple H take off, letting the Radicals feel the awesome power of the Rock & Bock Connection. Ring is cleared - the Radicals stand at the bottom of the aisle. Rock wants to go get some, but Austin suggests discretion. Then he flips them a double bird (just out of the shot, since that would be more than TV-PG). And...we're out. Well, there you go. NUTHIN'. See you next week! The UPN 9 News put on a puff piece about the New York/New Jersey Hitmen, including the cheerleaders and the new uniforms. And yes, they SWEAR the games won't be scripted. Whew! The "simple trivia question," if you were curious, was "Who is married to Triple H? A) Mary B) Stephanie C) Ivory." Who the HELL is "Mary?" So, if you want to win two tix to the Royal Rumble, send a postcard to 9 Broadcast Plaza, Secaucus, NJ 07096 - tell 'em CRZ sent ya. Christopher Robin Zimmerman
www.CRZ.net