by Christopher Robin Zimmerman
WrestleLine/WrestleManiacs
KINGS UPDATE: 8-3, tied for first with the Suns!
POSTERITY: Tonight I successfully converted a 7-9 split in the tenth
frame. And, oh man, you should have SEEN it...it was a BEAUTIFUL, CLASSIC,
TEXTBOOK completion - perfect spin knocking the nine pin directly to the
side and into the seven. NOBODY believed it - hell, *I* didn't even
believe it.
Unfortunately, I had another entire game after that...so where was the fun
in THAT.
It *is* a holiday over here, so I'm back at my parents house in my adopted
hometown of Modesto, California...which means you and I are watching UPN
31, KMAX - Sacramento!
Not just UPN Thursday - UPN Thanksgiving! Happy Turkey Day from UPN...get
ready for a wild Turkey Night! WWF SmackDown! Thanksgiving starts...NOW!
TV-PG-DLV - One World Leader Attitude - WWF!
Opening Credits
I don't know what's more scary, the PYRO or the giant turkey with a UPN
logo on it! We're on tape and transmitido en espanol SAP Thanksgiving Day,
23.11.2K from the National Car Rental Center in Ft. Lauderdale, FL (taped
21.11 - have it back by 8pm) and let's waste no time announcing the main
event: Benoit and Kane vs. Jericho and Austin! Speaking of wasting no
time....
WWF INTERCONTINENTAL CHAMPIONSHIP: EDDIE GUERRERO v. THA 1 BILLY GUNN - As
the champion makes his way out first (because tradition bites), KMAX places
a rather intrusive crawl across Eddie's face, telling me that if only I'd
watch "Good Day Sacramento," I'd get my chance to win tickets for the
January WWF Live Event at Arco Arena...before they go on sale! Let's try
to ignore that and listen to the man with all the Latino Heat: "Hey!
Yeah, that's right. You, Billy Gunn. I'm talking about you Esse
Goldilocks! You know, you CAAAAAAAAME and you may have stooged on me to
Cheapacita...you may have done a lot of things to me...maybe you think now
that you want what's around my waist, Goldilocks...but I doubt that you're
gonna get that tonight, because you see, I AM Latino Heat and only
*I*...have the Heat that each and every one of you Mamacitas out there
wants tonight! Come on baby! Don't deny it! So Goldilocks, get
your...BUTT...out down here, and let me knock the bleach off it right now!"
Guerrero slides out to try to take oit to him, but he ends up on the wrong
end of the fisticuffs. Head to the barriade. Slammed into the barricade
again - and then, dropped on the barricade. Rolled in, and the opening
bell sounds. Guerrero turns it back around with a right, right, right,
right, right, right, into the ropes, reversal, back elbow by Gunn, pulling
him back up, into the ropes, big back body drop. "Eddie sux" chant. Edit
here? Into the ropes, duck, collision in the middle of the ring. Guerrero
outside and bringing the belt back in with him...but Gunn kicks him in the
gut before he can use it. Guerrero falls into referee "Blind" Tim White on
his way down. Into the ropes, no, Guerrero holds on, gutshot, then DDT's
Gunn on the belt. White, after removing the belt from the ring, gets back
over and counts only to 2 before Gunn kicks out. Guerrero stomps.
Guerrero up top - FROG SPLASH! 1, 2, KICKOUT?!? Guerrero can't belive
it...and neither can I. Gunn pulling himself up, but Guerrero over -
stomp, stomp, standing on the neck. White breaks it up. Sent into the
opposite corner, reversed, Guerrero puts an elbow up. Guerrero runs into a
bodyslam...and Gunn gets 2. Right, Gunn right, Guerrero, Gunn, back and
forth and so on we go. Gunn puts him in the ropes, big ol' clothesline.
Into the ropes, tilt-a-whirl slam gets...2. Into the corner goes Guerrero
- Gunn with an avalanche. Gutshot...jackhammer (weak)...Gunn bleeding from
the forehead the hard way. Setting up for the Fame'Asser - hit it! Well,
that's all - 1, 2, NO!!!!! Each man has kicked out of the other's finisher
- I can't believe THAT either. Gunn doesn't know what to do with him now.
Off the ropes...going for another Fame'Asser but Guerrero boosts him to put
the move on the top rope, instead. Both men down and barely moving. White
puts on the count...3...4...Guerrero back up top and going for a fistdrop,
but Gunn catches him, sleeper, into a uranage from the back....leg is
hooked - 1, 2, 3! Ladies and gentlemen, we have a new intercontinental
champion. (5:36)
In the commissary, the commissioner and lieutenant commish are dressed in
holiday attire - he as Pilgrim, she as Injun. After the requisite local
heat is scored, Foley says tonight they'll "enact a traditional
Thanksgiving feast," which can only mean one thing - a traditional food
fight later in the show! Jim Ross shows up with a plate of chicken,
prompting Debra to say something about "succulent breasts." That's two
segments and two rolls of my eyes...must be one o' THEM nights. Anyway, we
are told that later tonight we'll be seeing a lot more WWF superstars
demonstrating their recipes, and if you're smelling a cookbook plug here
and there, you've got some sharp eyes and ears. ("Because you smell with
your eyes and ears?") ("Hey, I got no TIME for you - this is a HOLIDAY!")
Moments Ago, Billy Gunn wins the IC title for the...hmmm, I can't say I
recall if he HAS won it or not. I'm full of turkey and zinfandel!
Backstage, Eddie Guerrero throws a bit of a tantrum about his sudden state
change to beltless...hey, was that Test accidentally straying into the
shot, then ducking back into another room?
WILLIAM REGAL comes to the ring with the wwf.com logo. "Hullo, greetings
and well wishes to all my friends here it Fort Lauderdale! Now as you
know, my friends, we are coming upon a festive holiday that you call
Thanksgiving. And being an ambassador of goodwill, I am here to tell
you... ["USA!"] I am here to tell you that Thanksgiving represents
*everything* that is wrong with your country. Firstly, Thanksgiving
started when several Pilgrims (who were kicked out of England, by the way)
came to this country, broke bread with the Native American fellows,
slaughtered some turkeys and they all had a merry old time. And today,
this is why you give thanks to your fellow man and think that everything in
the world is peaceful and harmonious. Well that, my friends, is a load of
bloody rubbish. What does Thanksgiving mean today? I will tell you. It
means a bunch of overweight, disgusting, dysfunctional families sitting on
their bums watching cartoon balloons parade on their television screens.
What exactly is a Rugrat? I don't know, but one thing I do know, it
shouldn't have any part of a holiday. ["Ass hole!"] (great facial
expression here) And then, we come to the Thanksgiving meal. Don't even
get me started about that, because there's so many things wrong with it,
it's shocking...but, I will let you know exactly what you need to do to
correct this. We won't miss any out, don't worry. Firstly, after you
finish the meal, you do not unbutton your trousers and sit at the table -
it is ghastly, not to mention very ill-mannered. Secondly, after your
meal, if you must emit a belch, please put your hands to your mouth - this
should go without bloody saying! Thirdly... listen, I'm only trying to
help..." IF YA SMELLLLLLLL interrupts at this point, cueing more hilarious
facial expressions from Regal while we wait for the crowd to adjust to the
situation. "Finally, the Rock HAS COME BACK... ... ... ... ... ...home.
(pause for chant) You see, William Regal, do you think that the Rock has
come out here to disagree with your little Thanksgiving message? You're
wrong. Quite frankly, the Rock agrees with everything you've said. You
see, first and foremost, Thanksgiving IS a damn fine holiday. Secondly,
after you eat the meal, there's nothing wrong with unbuttoning your pants.
And thirdly, you are nothing more than a suit wearing, bug eyes, cockamamie
punk ass (beep!)" "Now, you listen to me, sunshine. I don't like you
coming out here and besmirching my words..."
"Whoawhoawhoawhoawhoawhoawhoawhoa...let the Rock understand this.
'Besmirched.' ... ... ("Rock E") ..." I guess we have all night. "You
are - use this word besmirched. William, are you feeling besmirched?"
"Well, quite honestly, yes, I am--" "It doesn't matter if you're feeling
besmirched! Let the Rock set you straight on just a coupla things. You
see, the Pilgrims weren't kicked out of England...they LEFT England. They
left England, they came over to America and they landed on a place called
Plymouth....Rock." I should note that Michael Cole is in full-blown "laugh
like Vince McMahon" mode, saying "HA HA HA" at every pause. "And you see,
Thanksgiving - it's not about eating and drinking - no no no, it's about
giving thanks. And all the Rock's fans would give much thanks if the Rock
were just to walk down this ramp...get inside the ring, look you right in
the eyes and then proceedeth to (accent) roll up your candy bum all over
Ft. Lauderdale!" Another great Regal look. "Was that some kind of a
challenge? Are you challenging me to a match here tonight?" "You bet your
British (beep) the Rock is challenging you to a match tonight. It's gonna
be you and the Rock - you going one on one with the great one, and the Rock
says this: after the match, we're going to have ourselves a very nice
Thanksgiving meal. The Rock is gonna take a turkey...the Rock is gonna eat
the breast, eat the wing, eat the thigh...but the Rock is gonna save you
the drumstick. And the Rock is gonna take that drumstick, he's gonna wash
it off so it's nice and clean, he's gonna take some of that English
Worcestershire sauce that you like to eat...and then, in an act of American
goodwill, the Rock is gonna bend you over, turn it sideways and stick it
straight up your candy(beep)!" One more great reaction from Regal. "IF YA
SMELLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL what the Rock is cookin'!"
Foley and Debra discuss family atmosphere. "I don't know, I don't really
like the family thing...there's always one family member that really gets
on your nerves...hi, Al!" Al Snow, cleanshaven, presents the Al snowpeas.
Foley: "He just said "Al Snow pees!" "That was bad. That really sucked.
That joke was bad." Foley tells him to sit down with JR. Snow thanks
Debra for inviting him...then glowers at Foley. "I enjoy a white
Christmas...but I really hate Snow at Thanksgiving! Come on, THAT one was
good..."
XFL spot - the latest copy of the KNBR Sports Reader included season ticket
signups for the Demons. Somehow, I managed to pass on it
Zelda spot - visit wwfzelda.com for another ad
Happy Thanksgiving from UPN!
Commentators exhort us to watch "Freedom" tomorrow to see if our name is
announced as a winner of a PlayStation 2!
Back to the meal we go where Foley and Debra compliment each other's
outfits. Kat arrives with some homemade beef jerky. "What an attractive
dish!" Oh, she's blonde again, so so much for Chynette. She wouldn't have
gotten along with Terri, anyway...
HARDCORE HOLLY & CRASH NOLASTNAME v. T&A (by their damn selves) in a
hardcore tag - inside we brawl, outside we brawl - Trish isn't around
because later tonight, she'll take on Molly Holly! It may be a hardcore
matchup, but that doesn't mean that Hardcore stlil won't bust out the Best
Dropkick in the Business. Somehow, referee "Blind" Jim Korderas manages to
keep on top of the action, even as they split up. Hardcore finds a leather
strap, and uses it liberally. Albert has a yaaaaaah run-in with the
ringpost. Hardcore with a broomstick, broken across Test's back.
Hardcore's about ready to patent that crotch shot. Crash working with a
garbage can lid on Test. Test manages to dump Crash onto the apron, but HE
manages to turn the tide, then come back in with the leprechaunrana after
flipping over the top rope to come back in! Unforunately, he only gets 2.
Missile dropkick to a garbage can lid to the head also only gets 2. Albert
with a fire extinguisher onto Hardcore, knocking him out long enough to get
back in the ring. Yaaaaaaaah garbage can in the corner. Whip into Test's
big boot - cover, 3. (3:41) Hardcore whacks Test after the match, so they
play Crash's music. How confusing!
Too Cool bring some sweet potato casserole and orange salad. Does this
make you want to buy a cookbook?
The Dudley Boyz show No Mercy in this ad
It's never to early to think Christmas, and this lovely rendering of a hip
Santa wearin' a pair of Lugz while swinging from the various renderings of
WWF sets just MIGHT be the latest version of the Boot of the Week! Sorry,
this is the Lugz Peace and Joy! From RAW, Right to Censor saved their
titles....but Steven Richards went through a table.
BALD VENIS (with Steven Richards) v. K-QWIQ (with Road Dogg) - Richards,
God love him, STILL sells the neck from his two table trips earlier in the
week. "I would like to come out here and wish each and every single one of
you a happy Thanksgiving, HOWEVER I CANNOT DO THAT! You see, each and
every single one of you SHOULD be at home right now, spending quality time
with your family. But you're not, are ya? You're doing what the Right to
Censor has always said you have done - you are proving that you are nothing
more than a buncha immoral scum(mute) - why? Because instead of spending
quality time with your family, you're watching this sick, perverse
programming! Now, tonight, the Right to Censor DEMANDS that you say NO
MORE to the song 'Getting Rowdy,' and say hello to getting morality." Does
this mean no Gravy Bowl match this year? Boot by Venis, right, right,
right, right, right, kick, kick, stomp, stomp, stomp, standing on the neck
until referee "Blind" Chad Patton gets him to break it. Into the opposite
corner, Kwik up and over, backflip, ducks a clothesline, right, right,
right, right, into the ropes is reversed, ducks the back elbow from Venis,
flying headscissors takeover, clothesline to take him over the top rope and
outside. K-Kwik's gonna fly - no-hands tope! Out on the floor - right,
Venis counters with a press...and drop on the barricade. Stomp, stomp, back
in the ring and he follows. Head to the buckle by Venis, right hand, into
the opposite corner, but he gets the boot up. Elbow put up on the next
charge from Venis. Venis ducks a clothesline, Kwik with
"Iblockyourpunchyoudon'tblockmine," right, right, into the ropes,
clothesline puts Venis down. Into the ropes, big back body drop, head to
the buckle, into the opposite corner and Venis hits hard. Kwik with a
dropkick to the head. Running at him in the corner, but Venis puts an
elbow up. Cover, feet on the top rope - 1, 2, Patton notices and stops the
count. Venis and Patton start with a discussion, K-Kwik tries a schoolboy
and gets 2. Right, right, right, off the ropes...and into a Venis
spinebuster. Venis going up top...going to try the Censor Shot but Kwik is
over to meet him before he can leave the buckle. Right, right, HE'S
climbing up, right, Frankensteiner! Now BULL BUCHANAN & GOODFATHER are out
to beat up Road Dogg...and doing rather well at it, I should add. Patton
turns his attention to this, while behind his back Venis clocks Kwik with a
surprise shot. But Kwik manages a gobehind and rollup...hey, STILL no ref.
This bring Richards into the ring for a DDT to K-Kwik. Venis hooks a leg -
1, 2, 3. This MUST be Florida, 'cause RtC just stole this match. (3:58)
More folks have joined the Thanksgiving feast. The Dudleyz say "wassup."
Funaki presents some kungpao chicken. Foley says "candy cane" and Funaki
hears "Kane," and runs off. Foley and the Dudleyz take turns saying
"wassup" again after Scotty 2 Hotty fills Foley's mouth with Redi-Whip. I
feel an opinion forming....oh, wait, I just lost it in a haze of triptoph-
whatever they are.
Zelda ad #2 - Did Matt Hardy say "he's only got 72 hours to finish this
SmackDown! report?"
You're STILL watching UPN, it's STILL Thanksgiving, and you're STILL
expected to be HAPPY
This is still Florida, so here's a shot of a palm tree. And here's the
exterior of the imposing NCR Arena
Let Us Take a Special Video Look at Kurt Angle, Eric Angle and the
Undertaker...from RAW
It should come as no surprise that KING KURT ANGLE is out at this point
with a few words to say. WWF SmackDown! is brought to you by THQ's "WWF No
Mercy," Crunch 'n Munch, and Nintendo's "The Legend of Zelda: Majora's
Mask!" Angle wears a horsecollar - probably resulting from his little trip
last Monday. "You know, believe it or not, Your Olympic Hero is a little
naive, because when I successfully defending my title against the
Undertaker at Survivor Series, I thought that would be the end of it. I
mean, I faced the Undertaker, I pinned his shoulders to the mat, and I had
my hand raised in victory. And in the past, when I would face my
opponents, whether it be in high school, college or the Olympics, my
opponents, after I beat them of course, would say 'Nice job, Mr. Angle - it
was an honour just to be in the ring with you!' But oh no, not the
Undertaker...oh no. Undertaker, if that is your real name, you just can't
stand the fact that you lost to the better man, and what you did was the
most unsportsmanlike thing I have ever seen. And you know, to have a
problem with me is one thing...but to take it out on my brother, who just
happened to be under the ring, merely hiding under the ring so he could
come out and surprise his baby brother, and celebrate my big win with me
after I beat you...and you had to give the Last Ride to my brother in the
middle of this ring...well, congratulations, Undertaker, because that
little piece of business just earned you Sore Loser of the Year. It's
true! But that wasn't it, was it, Undertaker? Last Monday night on RAW,
when I was trying to make it up to my brother by giving him his moment in
the sun, you had to go and ruin that too. Get better, Eric...I love ya.
Well, let's face it, Undertaker - unlike you, I *love* MY brother! I
didn't set MY brother's face on fire...and force him to wear a scary red
mask the rest of his life! But you just couldn't take it, now, could you?
You had to take my brother, my poor innocent brother...who charged you
because he was so mad at you, and you had to chokeslam him right here,
again, in the middle of the ring. But that wasn't it, was it, Dead Man?
You had to attack me for no reason at all, and you had to cowardly
chokeslam me from the stage to the floor! You sick, twisted...(beep)! You
see how mad you made me? But I finally Get It. You're jealous!
Undertaker, let me ask you a question. Where are YOUR Gold Medals? Oh,
sure, you have a spiffy little bike, and some real scary tattoos...but I
don't think you have any Gold Medals, now, do you? And you're not going to
get the ultimate Gold Medal either...which is...the WWF title. You know,
American Bad(beep), you're nothing compared to the American Hero. And if I
ever see you even look at my funny again, by golly, I will do--" BONG ARE
YOU SCARED HE'S HERE OHHHHHHH THEY CALL ME COWBOY AND SO ON HEY HEY HEY HEY
walking out....all the way to the ring, entering, removing his
glasses...and losing his patience. Got him - soupbone! Soupbone to the
back of the neck after the brace falls - anothe shot - EDGE & CHRISTIAN
(and an "ad for Good Day Sacramento" crawl at eye level) hit the ring and
quickly go down to a series of soupbones - Angle with a clip to turn it
around, and the tripleteam is on. Why, some might say that Angle was maybe
faking that neck injury all along! Undertaker decides a big fat no-sell is
over, so Angle, Edge and Christian decide to hightail it up the ramp while
Kid Rock's in the house once again and that's where I am.
William Regal is WALKING! And shaking the hand of everyone he sees. He's
Bob Backlund!
Meanwhile, the Rock is WAKING!
WWF Shop Zone dot com ad
"WWF SmackDown! 2" for PlayStation ad - featuring Kurt Angle as the Rock
Moments Ago, Angle said some stuff, Undertaker spoke with his hands
(Undertaker is Terminator X), and Edge and Christian joined Angle to
provide some licks
During the Break, Edge, Christian and Angle congratulated each other on the
way to a quick getaway in their rentacar
WILLIAM REGAL (almost already in the ring) v. IF YA SMELLLLLLL in a
nontitle match - Gutshot, right, right, into the ropes, back elbow, right,
right, right, into the opposite corner is reversed, but he pops out with a
clothesline. Whoops, this is a wrinkle - RIKASHMONEY at the top of the
ramp to watch the doin's. This allows Regal to turn it around with a
forearm in the back (didn't Rock see him on the OvalTron?), European
forearm, again, into the ropes, reversed, duck, Rock helps Regal over the
top rope to the floor. Rock with another look to Rikishi, then he goes
outside as well. Regal tastes the barricade, but manages to reverse a whip
into the ringpost, then clothesline him over the barricade and into the
crowd. Regal breaking out the fisticuffs! Left, left forearm in the back,
left, left, left, back over the barricade. Rock with a right, right,
right, Regal pokes the eyes. Left. Stealing Lawler's chair...but only
hitting the post. Rock with a right. Going for the commentary, but Regal
blocks it - elbow in the gut, face to the commentary table! Back into the
ring and Regal still on him...kick, grinding in the cover...for 2. Another
cover gets another 2. Rock with a right, right, right, Regal with a
European elbow. Another big forearm. Into the ropes, but Rock flies off
with a clothesline! Regal ducks a clothesline and hits a death suplex - 1,
2, Rock puts the shoulder up. Regal covers again - but only gets 1. Into
the ropes is reversed, but Regal comes off with a kick. Rock blocks,
right, right, right NOW KISS THAT...but Regal ducks the punch and lands a
European elbow to the back of the head! 1, Rock's shoulder is up. Into
the ropes, reversed, gutshot and DDT by the Rock. Another look Rikishi's
way...he's got the gloves on. Into the ropes, belly-to-belly throw, cover,
2. Rock still on him - right hand, whip is countered with an arm wringer
takedown - Regal's foot is on the second rope - 1, 2, no!! Regal stomp,
stomp, stomp. Into the ropes, Rock holds on, Regal tries a kick, Rock
catches it, dragon screw legwhip, sharpshooter! Regal quickly taps -
better to fight another day. (4:27) Rock looks to Rikishi and makes the
"just bring it" pantomime. Rikishi smiles and makes the "not today" hand
motion...and walks off. Rock is ready to leave the ring...but Regal
catches his eye. We take a look at Regal pointing to his title and letting
us know he's still champion. Royal wave! Rock lies in wait - ROCK BOTTOM!
Play his music again!
"Dungeons & Dragons?" WHY?!?
When we come back, Foley uses his broken Japanese to tell Funaki that
there's a difference between Kane and candy canes. He sits opposite the
Dudley Boyz, who say "Wassup." Mideon brings some minestrone. Does this
make you want to buy a cookbook?
TAZZZZZZZZZ (with Let Us Take You Back One Week) v. RAVEN - Last week,
Raven and Tazz had a spat...or perhaps it was more of a tiff. At any rate,
here we go. Tazz punks out Raven before he can part the ropes and he falls
to the floor. Tazz outside after him and here we go - right, into the
barricade, right, into the ring and Tazz folows. Still to come: Triple H's
condition updated! Tazz choken Raven with a T-shirt. Kick, kick, into the
opposite corner is reversed, and Raven clotheslines him as he backs out.
Kneelift. Four rights from the mount. Tazz grabs Raven's face, rakes,
head to the mat hard, badmouth, right. "Get up! Fight me!" Shoved to the
mat again. Right is blocked, Raven with a right, right, clothesline
ducked, T-bone Tazzplex. Head to the buckle, kick, kick, right, right,
referee "Blind" Jack Doan asks him to watch them closed fists. Shove in
the face. "You punk ass!" Raven promptly reverses positions and now HE'S
hailing down the right hands - six , to be precise. Into the opposite
corner, follow clothesline, bulldog out. Right hand, right off the ropes,
into the ropes is reversed but Raven holds on - but Tazz holds on to THAT,
countering into a Northern Lights suplex for 2! Raven surprises Tazz with
an inside cradle for 2. Knee by Tazz, into the ropes, Raven holds on, knee
to the gut, DDT, 1, 2, 3. (2:26) Crowd goes WILD. Well, I may be
exaggerating.
Back to the feast. Debra has a pie in the oven and needs to take off.
Foley walks over to ask the Dudleyz what they've brought. They show off
some Dudleyville Dumplings. "D-Von, get the dumplings!" Nobody laughs.
Foley says it's nice to see them sitting at a table instead of putting
somebody through it...this causes them to grab Funaki and Jonathan
Coachman..but Foley stops them, saying that Debra would be peeved. He
tries the "D-Von, get the dumplings" line again, but Too Cool make "you're
not cool/ixnay" motions.
"Mick Foley's Christmas Chaos" ad
Jakks Pacific's "WWF Backstage Mayhem" playset ad
When we come back, Eddie Guerrero tells Chris Benoit he doesn't want to
talk about it, while Benoit promises "we'll get it back." LILIAN GARCIA
breaks in and tries to get a word from Eddie, but Benoit stops her. "You
don't have a clue, do you? You do not have a clue, do you? What the hell
were you gonna ask him? I said what the hell were you gonna ask him? Were
you gonna ask him what it felt like to lose his title tonight? Is that
what you were gonna do? Was that what you were planning on doing? Ha!
While you're at it, why don't you ask me what it felt like to lose to Stone
Cold Steve Austin Monday night, huh? Why don't you bring up - why don't
you remind me just how that felt, huh? You trying to say he's a better
wrestler than I am?! (knocks over a lamp) ANSWER ME!!" "No!" "Let me
tell you aboot Stone Cold Steve Austin - the ONLY reason he got his hand
raised in victory Monday was he capitalised on one of my mistakes - yes I
make mistakes. But Monday was his night, tonight is another night, and
Stone Cold Steve Austin is gonna find oot what Benoit's Wrestle Ed 101 is
all aboot and there is no way he is gonna Prove Me Wrong. Now get the hell
OUT OF HERE!" Not only was he so angry that he actually pronounced "out"
correctly, but he appears to have even scared Eddie Guerrero, judging by
his look...
The WWF Rewind is presented by THQ's "WWF SmackDown! 2: Know Your Role" for
the PlayStation! From Monday, Trish Stratus interferes in Molly Holly's
match, ultimately costing her the decision.
TRISH STRATUS - THE FITNESS MODEL (with WWF.com logo) v. MOLLY HOLLY - they
run at each other, but miss...looks lke Holly ducked a clothesline.
Dueling armbars, to a hammerlock by Stratus. Holly with a fireman's carry
takeover into an armbar. Stratus rolls backwards to undo it. Holly with a
snap wringer, another, short clothesline, and repeatedly ramming Stratus'
head to the mat. Into the turnbuckle. Into the ropes, hiplock takeover,
running at Stratus, but she lowers the bridge and Holly goes over the top
to the outside. Stratus quickly out to pile it on - stomp, stomp, into the
barricade (sorta), head to the apron, and rolled back in. Stratus shoves
her again. Going for a vertical suplex - and hits it! Leg is hooked - 1,
2, no! Head to the buckle - again - Stratus sitting on the top turnbuckle,
and picking her up in a noose choke. Both of Holly's legs off the ground
and swinging freely! Another choke for 4 from "Blind" Teddy Long. There's
the bulldog - 1, 2, KICKOUT!! Stratus with a bodyslam...going up top?
But Holly makes it over in time and beals her over to the mat. Chop, chop,
into the ropes, knee to the gut, Northern Lights suplex...but only 2! Into
the corner, Stratus dumps her to the apron but she lands on her feet - over
to try a punch but it's blocked, forearm by Holly...climbing up top, but
Stratus crotches her. Stratus going for a superplex? Holy workrate,
Batman! Holly won't go, though - kidney punch, another, Stratus falls
backwards. Holly with a ... WOW! HOLLY WITH A SOMERSAULT THESZ PRESS FROM
THE TOP!! 1, 2, 3!! (3:04)
Debra: "You guys! Who would like a piece of my pie?" Snow: "Is that a
trick question?" Funaki: "Excuse me...much....like....pie." Everyone:
(hilarious laughter) Me: "Uh....did you guys not see my eyes rolling over
here?"
Oooh, bad timing - KMAX ran the crawl during the ad break. That can't be
cricket!
"WWF Backstage Mayhem" ad #2
Let Us Take You Back to Survivor Series...and its shocking conclusion.
Let Us Take You Back to Last Monday Where Stephanie Had Some Words. I
missed the "THE GAME IS OVER WITH NO CONTINUE" sign so I'll note it now
(thanks, clip editing wizards!) That Austin's One Mean Sumbitch, Ain't He?
Our commentators are a pair of kings - MICHAEL KING COLE & JERRY LAWLER.
Cole tells us Triple H was released from the hospital to his home in
Greenwich, Connecticut and Thanksgiving with his wife. Let me see if I got
this right: Dick Cheney *flutters* and has to spend his ENTIRE
Thanksgiving away from home, while Triple H gets dropped forty feet in a
car and is out in three days. And NOW it's rumoured that Triple H will be
back at RAW on Monday night? Hoo boy. Meanwhile, Chyna will guest host
Heat this Sunday...she might have some words to say as well.
Back at the feast, Foley is ready to address the assembled masses, but
Tiger Ali Singh and Lo Down barge in and demand to be allowed to be part of
the celebration. Foley tries a spit take while Debra tells them to calm
down and have a little bit of the pie. Even though this APPEARS to be what
Singh asked for, he still isn't happy. "You can't ignore us forever!" He
throws the pie out of camera range...but as we pan over, everyone makes
assorted "ooooh" sounds. Turns out that that pie...hit Steve Blackman.
IT'S PARTY TIME! Blackmna throws a Lethal Kick to Singh, and he falls on
the Dudleyz' table. Blackman takes a garbage can lid and works over both
heads of Lo Down. We look back at the Dudleyz where Singh is being set up
for 3D through the table. And NOW, Buh Buh Ray has the words for which
we've waited all night. FOOD FIGHT!" Debra: "I think we should have seen
this coming." Foley: "Things could be worse..." Debra gives him a pie in
the face. HAPPY THANKSGIVING! Was there CHEESE in that pie?
Meanwhile, Chris Jericho is WALKING!
Meanwhile, Chris Benoit is WALKING!
Meanwhile, Kane is WALKING!
Meanwhile, Stone Cold Steve Austin is WALKING!
Meanwhile, Tracy Smothers is WALKING!
Meanwhile, Tom Brandi is WALKING!
Meanwhile, Kevin Quinn is WALKING!
Meanwhile, Eric Shelley is WALKING!
"WWF SmackDown! 2" ad #2
Chris Jericho eats ravioli! (Damn Canadians ignoring our holidays!)
WELL IT'S KANE (with Castrol Motor Oily presents WWF Armageddon 10
December!) and CHRIS BENOIT v. CHRIS THURSDAY JERICHO and STONE COLD STEVE
AUSTIN - I had a 4-6-7-10 split and my brother said "that's a Benoit
split," which seemed to look a little too balanced to me, given that
Benoit's tooth is missing off to one side. Of course, I hit the field goal
on THAT one. Jericho, at least, is consistently smart enough to wait for
his tag team partner to show up before hitting the ring. Got about ten
minutes left in the show, yo. Austin's decided to go ahead and pose in two
corners anyway - referee "Blind" Mike Chioda is good enough to keep the bad
guys at bay. Austin over with a few words for Jericho, who nods. The
Chrisses start. Lockup, angling for position, break. Jericho gives Kane a
look but keeps an eye on Benoit. Gutshot by Benoit, forearm. Into the
ropes, reversed, leapfrog by Jericho, big back elbow. Jericho points to
Kane, but goes back to Benoit - stomp, stomp, knife-edge chop, arm wringer,
stomping it in like it's WOW, tag to Austin. Benoit backs up. Will they
stay technical tonight? Benoit with a kick, European elbow, elbow, into
the ropes, Ausitn with a kick, right, right, into the ropes is reversed,
Benoit's clothesline is ducked, drop toehold when Austin comes back,
floating over into a headlock, but Austin turns over, has the arm and works
an armbar. Benoit flips over to escape. Austin tries an arm wringer -
Benoit ducks the short clothesline and gives Austin a "no no" finger
waggle. "Austin" chant. Lockup, side headlock by Benoit. Chain wrestling
sequence to the hammerlock. Grabbing the head again...Austin powers out,
but Benoit hits the shoulderblock. Up and over, ducking a clothesline, but
Austin lands a spinebuster and hooks the leg...for 2! Arm wringer by
Austin, Benoit hooks the arm and muscles Austin back to his corner, where
Kane makes a tag. Austin is a sitting duck for the right hand. Another
right, right and Austin goes down. Stomp, stomp, stomp, into the ropes,
big boot...is CAUGHT, single leg trip by Austin, elbowdrop on the knee,
another, and another. Austin wants an anklelock, but Kane can easily grab
his head. After freeing himself of Austin's grip, Kane repeatedly stomps
his leg across Austin's face. Uppercut after they each get up. Into the
ropes is reversed - Thesz press! Austin peppers Kane with six rights, then
elbows Benoit as he tries to come in to break it up. Austin with the
dropped forearm. Calling to Jericho to put up his boot, Austin rams Kane
into it - then tags in Jericho. Jericho's been waiting for the chance with
Kane - right, right, right, but Kane fires back. They trade punches, and
now it's only Kane - big back elbow. Into the opposite corner, sternum
first - going for a death suplex but Jericho backflips out and dropkicks
back of the left knee - the same knee Austin was working over earlier.
Kicking the back of the knee repeatedly, Jericho going for a figure four
(!) but Kane kicks him out of the ring before he can even complete the
spin. Benoit over but Jericho hits "Iblockyourpunchyoudon'tblockmine" -
unfortunately, when he's back in, Kane is ready with a big boot. Overhand
forearm to the back. Head to the buckle, back elbow, tag, uppercut, Benoit
with a kick, chop, chop, into the ropes, big knockdown. Death suplex finds
the mark. Tag to Kane - stomp, stomp, into the ropes, duck, Jericho
flies...but Kane catches him...Jericho tries to make the tag, but he's too
far off - Jericho punching Kane, but no dice - Kane casually tosses him to
the mat. Elbowdrop MISSES, but Kane manages to recover in time to stop the
tag. Shot for Austin as well, which is sure to draw him in as well as
distract Chioda...uppercut by Kane, and Jericho staggers over to Benoit,
who takes advantage of the opportunity to come in and deliver some kicks.
Benoit with a slam as Kane goes up to the third floor - flying clothesline
- 1, 2, Austin breaks it up! Tag to Benoit, right by Kane, kick by Benoit,
into the ropes, Jericho ducks and hits a flying jalapeno. Kane comes in,
drawing over Chioda and make him sure to miss that tag to Austin. Sure
enough, Austin is forced back to his corner while Kane and Benoit freely
work the doubleteam on Jericho. Austin's all "nuts to that," and goes over
to beat up Kane. Chioda actually pulls Austin back with a waistlock -
Austin calmly decides that KICK WHAM STUNNER #30 for Chioda - duck, right,
right, clothesline out of the ring for Kane, breaking up the Crippler
crossface on Jericho, KICK WHAM STUNNER for Benoit, but Kane is back in and
he's got Austin in the choke.....but *Jericho* is off the top rope with a
missile dropkick to Kane to break THAT up! KICK WHAM STUNNER for Kane.
Play his music! Austin wants beer! Jericho Lionsaults Kane but we almost
miss it because AUSTIN HAS BEER. Oops, time is up. Hmm, let's call the
music the end of the match and rule it.... (no contest 7:25)
I don't really expect too much on a Thanksgiving show, so, holy cow, my
expectations were met. The feast stuff was SUPER cheesy but, hey, it gave
loads of people TV time. The nonfinish was annoying but that's coasting
for you - the action BEFORE the nonfinish was more good stuff from "I'm
wrestling again" Austin and I'm glad to see he's going to show up again
instead of just last Monday. So what I'm SAYING is the WWF rules so I can
easily make excuses to forgive them AND having lots of good good wrestling
will overcome a lot of interstitial CRAP. On Monday, if I remember, I'll
tell you how the previous sentence can be applied to Nitro - you won't want
to miss *that!*
Enjoy the BIGGEST shopping day OF THE YEAR - to REALLY be a rebel, do it by
*staying home and shopping online.*
See you over the weekend for WOW!
Christopher Robin Zimmerman
www.CRZ.net