by Christopher Robin Zimmerman
WrestleLine/WrestleManiacs
KINGS UPDATE: For a brief period this week, the Kings had the best record
in the league! Unfortunately, reality caught up to them and they
remembered that they lived to CHOKE in road games - that Hawks game on TBS
sure had a *dreadful* last quarter...at least the part I was awake for -
and after losing to the Hornets they now find themselves at 14-6 and half a
game behind the Suns.
PERSONAL: To Robbie Patterson - thanks very much! Unfortunately, the post
office slashed open your envelope before it got to me. If you could email
me, please let me know just what was in there and if I should sue the USPS,
har har.
U! P!! N!!!!!!!!! (Thursday)
TV-PG-DLV - One World Leader Attitude - W! W! F!
No, I STILL don't know the identity of that damn song. Stop asking me! If
I find out, I'll tell you! But that's just the START of our opening
clipfest. We move from highlights of Sunday's main event (which, you have
to admit, looks better and better the more days that pass between me
watching it and me writing about it) to highlights of the War Zone's
closing interview between McMahon and Foley....and Regal and Austin.
Earlier Today, Stephanie McMahon-Helmsley paid the commissioner and his
lieutenant a visit. She's here to talk about her mother...she's not doing
too well. Ever since Vince asked for a divorce, she's been very sick. She
asks him to stop egging on Vince - he can be downright maniacal, after all,
and he takes it out on the people closest to him...a little bit to her, a
little bit to Shane, but mostly to Linda. Adding this to all the lawyers
constantly calling and badgering, it's having a hard effect on her. Could
he please take it easy on Vince - just a little bit? Foley says, out of
respect for her mother, he'll try. He's not promising, but he'll try.
"Thank you." "You're welcome."
Opening credits
PYRO PYRO PYRO crowd crowd crowd transmitido en espanol SAP - we are on
tape from the Alltel Arena in Little Rock, AR 14.12.2K (taped 12.12) on UPN
- it's the WWF and it's time to one again lay the SmackDown!
EDGE & CHRISTIAN (with Let Us Take You Back to Monday) v. THOSE DAMN
DUDLEYZ in a nontitle match - Our new tag team champions got wood in the
big table match earlier this week, and this match - nontitle, of course -
is the result. The Dudleyz hit the ring and it's on - standard tag opening
ensues as Edge gets tossed outside, allowing referee "Blind" Mike Chioda to
put D-Von on the outside so we can have it one-on-one. Buh Buh Ray with a
big right, head to the buckle, once again, right, left, right. Big
vertical suplex. 1, 2, Christian kicks out. Into the ropes, big
press...and drop. Tag to D-Von. Overhand right. Into the ropes,
reversal, D-Von ducks the clothesline and hits a neckbreaker for 2.
Christian's done NOTHING - well, there's a knee. Never mind. Into the
corner, but D-Von gets the boot up - free back elbow for Edge, right for
Christian...but Edge pulls on the ankles, then crotches him on the
ringpost. Wassup, D-Von? Christian drops an elbow. Tag to Edge. Stomp,
stomp, six fists in the small of the back. Backbreaker across the knee
gets 2. Commentators are talking about Foley - Lawler feels he should
resign, while Cole cites the "public mandate" - Lawler reminds Cole that
the WWF New York interviews ran about 50/50, and Cole goes back to the
Memphis crowd. Stomp, headbutt to the small of the back, tag. Open shot
to the back by Christian - I think they've picked a body part, Tom. D-Von
tries to fire back, right, left, Christian to the face. Tag to Edge, open
gutshot. Right hand by Edge, into the ropes, clothesline ducked, backhand
ducked, crossbody by Dudley...for 2. Big double clothesline and they're
both down. Rikishi's ruptured spleen has been downgraded to a bruised
spleen and a lacerated kidney - well, that's MUCH better. HOT TAG! Back
elbow to Christian, another, into the ropes, powerslam - 1, 2, Edge in to
make the save but he ends up elbowing his own partner when Dudley slips out
of the way - salto for Edge, full nelson bomb for Christian. Daring Edge
to turn around...muscling him up with a bodyslam. "Wazzup." Testify
dance. D-Von...steal the cable. But Christian stops D-Von from leaving
the ring...in retrospect, a bad idea, as he falls into 3D - the Dudley
Death Drop. Buh Buh Ray covers and counts his own three - unfortunately,
Chioda is occupied with getting D-Von back to his corner. He ALSO misses a
big belt shot by Edge onto Buh Buh Ray. Christian's arm draped over him -
1, 2, 3. (4:29)
Backstage, a limousine arrives. Patterson and Brisco are there to meet it,
which can only mean...Vince McMahon has arrived. "What are ya gonna do to
Mick Foley, tonight?" Before he can answer, Commissioner Foley shows up.
"Hey, Vince! Listen--" "'HEY VINCE?'" "I just wanted to make sure
there's no repeat of what happened on Monday night - neither one of us
wants that. I mean, you're the owner of the WWF, but I'm still the
commissioner and I'm not going to resign - I'm here for the long haul and
there's gotta be a way the two of us to can exist somewhat - somewhat
peacefully." "Coexist. You expect me to coexist with you - a man who took
a nasty, filthy, rotten sock from your crotch and you stuffed it down my
throat. You want me to coexist with you." "I would like that, yes."
"I'll tell you what - I'll give it....consideration." And they walk off...
KING KURT ANGLE has a lot of pyro...and, quite possibly, a few words for us
as well. "I would like to think that after winning the Hell in the Cell
match on Sunday, and surviving a tag team tables match on Monday, and then
being able to walk out here tonight with my head held high, that finally I
will have earned some respect, a little bit of respect from you people.
Oh, that's right - I forgot. I'm in ARKANSAS. I guess the only way to
generate any respect around here is to gain fifty pounds, or have my way
with some interns. What is wrong with you people? I'm sorry, folks, but
that's not going to happen. And speaking of leadership, the reason I am
out here tonight is to address the leadership situation in the WWF. See,
I'm a man of integrity. When I give my word...it's good. Regardless of
whether it's 'I did not have sexual relationships with that woman,' or 'if
someone gets permanently injured, I will resign,' when a person, especially
a person of authority gives their word, the honourable thing to do is keep
it. But that's not Mick Foley's style, is it? I guess what I'm tryin' to
say here is...that Vince McMahon was absolutely correct and justified in
wanting to see Mick Foley go." "Ang Gull Sux!" "So Mick, when is it going
to end? Mick, how many others are going to have to go down until you do
what you say you'd do? I guess what I'm trying to say Mick is, while I'm
all about the three I's, you're all about the three H's - a hungry,
horrible hypocrite, and that is true. And one other thing, I would like
to--" Screeeech CRASH and here comes COMMISSIONER McFOLEY. Cole says
"public mandate" again - is that a euphemism for "broken storyline?" "You
know something, Kurt..." "Foh Lee!" "Kurt, ya know, in the past I'll
admit that I always found you kind of amusing, but tonight I'd like you to
just shut your damn mouth. Because, you see, Kurt - no, no, you see, you
got it all wrong, because once upon a time people *did* respect Kurt Angle
- they loved Kurt Angle! I mean, I know you don't want this publicised,
but ladies and gentlemen, this man won Olympic Gold at the 1996 Atlanta
Games! It's true! It's true! But then, Kurt, an unfortunate thing
happened - people got to know you! And they found it awful hard to respect
a snivelling, whining, backstabbing crybaby. Now you're out here talking
about my integrity - Kurt, I know I said I'd resign if someone became
seriously injured at the Hell in the Cell, and the fact is, people did get
hurt. But let's examine those injuries. Triple H was not so much hurt by
the Hell in the Cell as he was an accumulation of injuries from an
unbelievably brutal career with some of the damnedest matches we've ever
seen. Not my fault, Kurt, no no -- shut your mouth! As far as Rikishi's
injuries, the way I see it, Rikishi would not have been injured if it
wasn't for Vince McMahon coming down to ringside with a truck and pulling
the damn door off the Hell in the Cell. So you know, even though I've
tried to work things out with Vince, I just personally feel that if I were
to have resigned after Hell in the Cell, I would be more or less rewarding
Vince McMahon for bad behaviour, and I can't reward people for bad
behaviour, Kurt. But above honour and above the vow I made to Linda
McMahon, I am staying on as WWF Commissioner...because I love this
business. I love the WWF, Kurt, and just think - as wild as things have
gotten with me in charge, with all due respect to Vince, if Vince McMahon
were in charge, things would be a whole lot worse, and that, Kurt
is true - it's damn true!" WILLIAM REGAL is out one more time, still
resplendent in three piece suit - he takes Angle's mic. "Firstly, Kurt
Angle, let me say that I respect you. I respect you more than that filthy
philanderer from this state who runs this country, and I respect you a LOT
more than this man here. Now, as for you, Michael Foley, you, my friend,
are in need for a serious dose of a reality. You claim to love this
business, but it's quite obvious you only love certain people in this
business. When I was quoting Hamlet - Shakespeare - to the masses, and
Stone Cold Steve Austin gave me a Stunner....where were you? You were sat
on your big fat bloody bum doing nothing. When I was giving my
Thanksgiving Day address and I was besmirched by the Rock...where were you
then? Sat on your big fat bloody bum again, stuffing your pudgy face with
turkey. And last Monday night, when I was just giving my opinion on how
the state of this company is eroding, and I was Stunned again by Stone Cold
Steve Austin....where were you? I ask you, Kurt - did Commissioner Foley
do anything to that toerag?" "No, William, I don't think he did."
"Precisely, my Olympic friend. When the good people like yourself and me
need help, we get treated like dogs, but Commissioner Foley lets the
hooligans run rampant in the WWF!" "Wait wait wait wait WAIT a second.
Okay, William, you are right - up to now I've done nothing to stop the
roustabouts and the hooligans in the WWF who have attacked you - who have
besmirched you, but you're wrong about one thing, you see - I do love this
business. I love the WWF, and I'm assuming that everybody out here tonight
loves the WWF as well. And that is why I have come up with an idea that's
going to make me happy, it's going to make them happy, and especially you
two gentlemen, because you are going to get an opportunity to take out your
frustrations on those two people that have besmirched you the most! DAMN
their besmirching ways, because you see - right here tonight in Little
Rock, Arkansas...you will be in tag team competition against two gentlemen
that I will call the Besmirchers...they are the Rock...and Stone Cold Steve
Austin! Oh, and William...have a jolly good day. Uh huh!" Hey, you know
what? That's actually a pretty good point about Rikishi. The Triple H one
is still a little weak, but maybe I was a little Smarky on that "broken
storyline" comment.
Stephanie is WALKING! She catches up to Patterson and asks if he's seen
her father. True to form, he stooges him out.
At least, seeing Edge & Chrsitian with the belts in this UPN bumper makes
sense again...
Check out the lovely Alltel Arena from the outside
In Vince's office, he's on the phone. "But you don't understand. No no, I
know you've got to deliver legal papers to her attorneys. You - but I want
you to deliver papers to the mansion. I want you to deliver those damn
legal papers to her, you got me? Every hour on the hour, seven days a
week. Just do what I tell you to do! Now, one other thing...about the
offshore accounts, she - she can't touch 'em, that's protected right? Come
in. Good. I'm glad - Steph - hang on a second. What are you doing,
Steph?" She says he's here on family business. "I am not gonna discuss
your mother with you - not tonight, not any night." "There's pieces of the
puzzle you don't know, there's information you don't know..." but he
hustles her out - they're not gonna ruin his evening. "You're not gonna
believe this - I'm not having a very good night. One other thing I wanna
ask you...about the stocks and the bonds..."
WWF WOMEN'S CHAMPIONSHIP: WWFDIVAS.COM (with Let Us Take You Back to
Armageddon...and RAW) v. IVORY - Lita has new music...again. I NEVER get
tired of seeing one competitor pull another one up. Monday, Dean took
advantage of an unconscious Lita with a kiss that threw out her back! At
least, I *think* that's why she's still holding it. The champ has a mic.
"Lita...just like Chyna, ya just won't listen. Now look what happened to
poor Chyna. Look at the way you dress! The message you send, let me ask
you - how do you expect Dean Malenko to treat you. Like a lady? No. Just
like Chyna...you brought it upon yourself. Yes, you did. Now after I beat
you tonight, Lita, I'm hoping that you'll change your ways. And if you
don't...I'll have to change them for you." Even Lawler has to grudgingly
agree with Ivory's logic. Ivory still pointing a finger at her...so she's
surprised by the kick in the gut, arm wringer, to the hammerlock, leg
sweep. Off the ropes (s-l-o-w-l-y), up and over, head down by Ivory, kick
by Lita, clotheslines her down - 1, 2, no. Lita ducks a clothesline,
gutshot, DDT. They're both down. Crowd is booing, so I smell run-in. 1,
2, no. Ahh, it's SMILIN' DEAN MALENKO. Lita, still holding her back,
slowly climbs to the top...crossbody lands - but only gets 2! I think
Dean's rooting for Lita here, judging by his response...too bad all he's
done was distract her, because there's a tope through the ropes onto
Malenko, and now, as Dean might say, "she's all over me!" Malenko
defensively puts her back in the ring - Ivory, still distracted, easily
falls into a death suplex - 1, 2, 3. (1:38) Malenko is visibly upset at
Lita's loss.
To the commissoner's office we go, where an impromptu hockey game has
erupted - that or a free shot of Debra's gams. Raven enters. "You
summoned me, Foley?" Foley says he doesn't want to seem vindictive, but
Monday he put his best friend out of commission. Foley says he feels like
Raven needs to see action in a hardcore match tonight. Even better, his
opponent has never been in a hardcore match! "Thanks, Mick!" "So it
should be a walk in the park when you take on...the Undertaker." Raven's
visage drastically changes. They wish him luck...
Jakks Pacific "WWF Backstage Mayhem" playset ad
You're watching WWF SmackDown! on UPN!
When we come back, we're in Vince's office again...and again, Stephanie
tries to have a word with her father. "This better be good." "It is good,
and it definitely does affect business, because I think that our family
affects business. Dad, there's something you don't know about Mom - she's
very sick. I went to go see her, you know, a couple days ago and she had
lost so much weight, I couldn't believe it in one week!" "Well, you know
what - it's about time - she could stand to lose a little weight." "Dad!
Mom could hardly even talk to me!" "You know what? That could be a
blessing in disguise, too, because all I ever heard was yap, yap, yap all
those years." "Dad, I don't know if you understand the severity of this -
Mom was lying there in bed motionless..." "Well, you know what? That sort
of rings a bell as well. Let me see - my wife...in
bed...motionless...yeah. You know what, that rings a bell." "You
know...sometimes, you're just...disgusting." And off she walks. "What,
was it somethin' I said?"
BALD VENIS (with Ivory and the WWF Slam of the Week, presented by
1-800-COL-LECT) v. THA 1 BILLY GUNN - Punchfest erupts to start - Venis
takes control, into the ropes, clothesline ducked, right by Gunn, right,
right, into the ropes, back elbow. Kick to the gut, right, right, right,
into the opposite corner and Venis hits hard. Gunn goes out to follow -
right cross, into the STEEL steps, hard. Gunn says...something. It was
really loud and angry, whatever it was. 1-800-COL-LECT Double Feature of
the steps whip. Gunn puts him in the steps *again*. Scoop...and drop on
the barricade. Referee "Blind" Jim Korderas decides that he's not gonna
count to ten while he can still go outside and ask very nicely for them to
take it back in the ring. Back in the ring...and only 2. Head to the
buckle. Blatant choke. Korderas actually gets to five, but stops counting
at four...gently asking him to stop cheating yet again. Gunn thanks him by
threatening to punch him out. Into the ropes is reversed, and Venis
manages a spinebuster. Ivory on the apron...and with Gunn nearing the
ropes, she decides to try a free shot with the Women's title.
Unfortunately for her, Gunn blocks it, shoves her to the floor, and keeps
the belt. Ducks the charge, WHACK, well, Korderas has had enough. (DQ
2:19) Gunn leaves the ring and the chase is on...but Ivory runs through
the ring, allowing Korderas to step between them. Play Gunn's music as
Venis and Ivory take off!
Stephanie again walks by Mr. McMahon's office...will she knock? Won't she?
She decides to go ahead and knock. No answer. Knock. Vince answers.
"Dad...listen, you have to discuss this with me! You have to discuss Mom
with me - the future of the business is at stake, the future of our family
is at stake, there - there are lives at stake, Mom's health is at stake.
Dad, I'm demanding you discuss this with me because you need to go home and
talk to Mom. You need to get back together with Mom, Dad." "Well, let me
just tell you this, okay. I'm not coming home tonight - I'm never coming
home, uh huh!" And he slams the door on her. "If you won't discuss it
with me in private, maybe you'll discuss it with me in public..." Man, you
know what I was just thinking - maybe we could get a FOURTH segment out of
this...and maybe it could take place out in the ring!
The Lugz Peace & Joy is Rikishi's tumble off the cage...from Armageddon
Sure enough, STEPHANIE ONO (with the TV-PG-DLV ratings box) is out to
Triple H's "new" music...and in the ring. "Have I got your attention now,
Dad? I'm sorry to have to do this, but I'm not leaving this ring until you
come out here. You know, I think it's kind of sad that the McMahon family
has to air all of our personal business in public, but if that's the only
way that I can talk to you, Dad, then so be it."
We look at Vince, who's still on the phone in his office. "There's not
enough margin - you've gotta have a bigger margin than that." Brisco
barges in and clues him into the proceedings. "I can't believe this - I
can't believe this..."
Back to the ring - I guess that was on the OvalTron. "I'm sure you can't
believe it, Dad, but...I was trying to talk to you the entire time back
there, and I'm not here to talk about me, I'm here to talk about MOM. Dad,
I'm here tonight to try to save...your...marriage." "No Chance in Hell"
(hmmm) plays, and here come the THREE MUSKETEERS. Remember how worried we
are about two years ago when Vince said "when are we gonna get rid of that
ring and have some REAL fun?" Kind of ironic that we all expressed
concern....and yet, NOW, we end up with in-ring segments like THIS. Vince
*always* gets his way, whether we realise it or not. Wow, I should have
just turned those three sentences into a column. Oh well - I guess that's
why I recap shows instead of writing columns. "Dad, I'm really sorry to
call you out to this ring - I mean, you're one of the most influential
people in America, one of the most powerful businessmen in America, and -
and I really apologise for having to do this but it seems to be the only
way I can talk to you. I tried to talk to you in the back, but...I guess
you just really like to attend to personal, family business in public.
Yes, I did call you out here. It was a week ago, Dad, that you stood in
this ring and you asked Mom for a divorce! Why? Just because she sided
with Commissioner Foley? I mean, I can certainly understand you being
angry with her, but...a divorce? I - I mean, Mom was talking about
business, and and you just went - went right - right right to family. Dad,
Mom LOVES you, don't you know that? Mom is a good woman. She makes you
breakfast every morning - she packs your bags every time you go on the
road. Dad, she'd do anything for you - she loves you, you know that.
You've almost had a fairytale marriage! I mean, you guys - you still date!
You still go to the movies! Dad, I - I just want you to think about all of
that before you go through with this divorce and make things final.
Please, Dad...please think about your marriage to Mom - think about having
children with Mom. Please...please reconsider. Mom loves you." Vince
takes the mic. "Well now, you have referred to...my marriage as 'a fairy
tale marriage.' Wow, I wonder where you got that from. Obviously, from
your mother. So let me give you a little history lesson about your mother,
okay? First of all, your mother lived...well, shall we say 'on the other
side of the tracks,' okay? Your mother lived in the poor section of town,
and let me tell you, your mother's family never lived up to the station of
the McMahon family - never, not even close! Nonetheless, I admit I was
attracted to her - I admit that. But there may have been a reason for that
too, you see - your mother had a certain *reputation.* You might - you
might say she had a, uh - a 'goodtime girl' reputation if you get my drift.
Okay? So, let me set the stage for ya, just to show the kind of human
being your mother is, all right? On the very first date, Stephanie...on
the very first date, we had a REALLY good time. Oh yeah, we had a really
good time in the back seat of her family's 1969 Chevrolet Impala - ha ha
yeah, we had a damn good time. You say Linda loves me? Stephanie, you
don't know your mother - she doesn't love me. Your mother loves MY MONEY,
that's what she loves. Your mother loves the mansions that she lives in
that I afforded her. Your mother loves all the sports cars - the
Maseratis, the Aston-Martins. Your mother loves the luxury yacht. She
loves the airplanes. Your mother loves all the jewelry. Your mother loves
one damn thing - your mother loves the good life, that's what she loves.
She didn't love me. But you know, Stephanie...as you stand here before me
tonight, and I see you in a different light than I ever have. You know
what? You've got the same blue eyes as your mother. You've got the same
brownish, auburn hair, just like your Mom's before she had it dyed. You've
got the same potty mouth as your mother, that's obvious - you open in and
you say things before engaging your brain. And you know what? You've even
got the same - (sniff sniff) - you've got the same sour scent as your
mother. Yeah. You know what? I used to think of you as 'Daddy's little
girl,' but now I look at you - you know what I see? I see your mother - I
see two spoiled, ungrateful, little rich (beepes), that's what I see. So
I'm gonna tell you that same thing that I told her, and that's GET THE HELL
OUTTA MY LIFE, AND STAY OUT!" A crying Stephanie leaves the ringn and runs
up the ramp. "And, by the way...wait a minute, I want you to give your
mother another message for me. I want you to give your mother a message
and that is that soon, after this divorce is final, there's gonna be a new
Mrs. McMahon. Oh yeah...there is. A voluptuous Mrs. McMahon, I'll
guarantee it - a voluptuous Mrs. McMahon that can keep up with my sexual
prowess, uh huh. Yeah. And by the way, tell your mother that chances
are...the new Mrs. McMahon is gonna be about YOUR AGE." Play his music!
Patterson and Brisco, in shock, take off, leaving an enraged McMahon alone
in the ring.
"WWF Backstage Mayhem" ad #2
Moments Ago, two pargraphs ago
Patterson and Brisco walk a crying Stephanie to the exit. "Hey - hey -
wait a minute. Where do you think you two are going? Huh? Where do you -
I asked you a question, dammit!" But they all left together, leaving
McMahon to a dramatic fit of WALKING! (Well, gimping, anyway)
RAVEN (with SmackDown! is brought to you by THQ's "SmackDown! 2" for the
PlayStation, Chef Boyardee Overstuffed Ravioli, and WWFShopZone.Com!) v.
ROLLIN' ROLLIN' ROLLIN' ROLLIN' DOT COM (on His Beautiful Titan Bike...with
a Limp Bizkit CD cover) with hardcore rules - "Hey Foley - sorry about your
fried, but did you see the way that cinder block crumped his head like a
sand castle in the rain? And as far as you getting revenge on me...well,
Undertaker, I'm like a trapped animal...I'm most deadly when I'm cornered."
Well, shut my mouth, those STEEL steps have somehow made their way on end
and away from the ring so Undertaker can complete a lap. Raven is ready
with a garbage can lid, but Undertaker gives him a boot before he can swing
it. 'Taker with the lid - WHACK! Head to the buckle. Into the corner,
clothesline. Garbage can to the head. Foley and Debra watch a monitor
from their office - and seem pleased. Raven outside the ring...he's found
a tool box, and comes up with a pipe wrench. Wrench to the gut!
Undertaker ducks...but gets it in the back. Into the ringpost - wrench
shot misses, and 'Taker takes him to the steps. Soupbone. Head to the
mat. Into the opposite set of STEEL steps. Big bearhug...back rammed into
the ringpost. Head to the timekeeper's table. He's got the steps...rammed
into the back of the head (and the barricade)! Commentator's tabletop is
removed...and the monitors are pulled away. Chairshot for Raven. Raven's
busted wide open. Not a Last Ride through the table? OHHHHH YEAH. Leg is
hooked - like that's needed. 1, 2, 3. (3:01) Raven twitches OLD SCHOOL
STYLE. He should have brought some cinder blocks to *this* match, don't
you think? 'Taker drives back up the ramp...pausing at the top to deliver
his "powe to the people" salute.
The Hardy Boyz are WALKING! Matt's *already* selling his shoulder.
WWF Home Video presents "Chris Jericho: Break the Walls Down" and "Kurt
Angle: It's True It's True" are available everywhere! They WERE on sale at
Suncoast, but that was a few weeks ago and I haven't been back to check.
WWF SmackDown! returns in a moment on UPN!
Your hosts are a pair of kings - MICHAEL KING COLE & JERRY LAWLER. They
have no table - well, they HAVE a table, but it looks like that. Speaking
of tables, the Dudley Boyz host Heat this Sunday!
HARDY BOYZ (with 1-800-COL-LECT presents the Royal Rumble) v. CHRIS BENOIT
& PERRY SATURN (with Nipples) - Jeff and Benoit start. Kick by Benoit,
elbow, elbow, kick, chop, into the opposite corner, Hardy up and over,
dropkick to the back, kick, kick, into the oppostie corner, double leg
takedown by Hardy, legdrop between the legs. Free shot for Saturn, and now
the shirt's off. SCREEEEEEEEM Benoit put into the ropes, but he manages
to avoid Hardy, instead shoving him into a slide out of the ring into the
announce table wreckage! Saturn is quickly on Jeff on the outside, while
referee "Blind" Tim White keeps Matt in his corner. Jeff's back meets the
STEEL steps, and he's thrown back in. Benoit measures a stomp. Hardy
grabs an arm, then a leg, and rolls it through - 1, 2, 3! Holy cow!
(1:37) Benoit is shocked as the Hardys run up the ramp - even THEY express
some surprise...
Who's Vince talking to on the other end of that phone, anyway? "I feel
better that I've gotten it off my chest, and as far as the Stooges are
concerned, I don't care if they ever come back. Come in! No, there's no -
there's really no love lost there with that." The camera pulls back to
reveal a tennis shoe, a sweat pant leg, and part of a lumberjack shirt...
"Umm, hang on a second." Camera pans up - Foley's decidedly less happy
than when he was watching Raven get his a few minutes ago. "Well now...Mr.
Foley, are are you here to uh - call you back - are you here to coexist,
Mr. Foley?" "No, Vince, I'm not here to coexist. I'm here to tell you
that you can be the owner of the WWF but I'm still the commissioner, and
you will have to contend with that for a long, long time. I'm here to tell
you, Vince, that any father who treats their daughter like that IS GARBAGE!
You understand me, Vince? And I'm here to tell you, that I may be a bad
businessman and you may be very good, that as a human being, you suck,
Vince, you're garbage, you're filth, you make me sick." Hd goes to leave.
"GARBAGE, VINCE!" Vince ponders what just happened...and breaks into a
satisfied smile.
Earlier Tonight, Lita allowed herself to be distracted by Dean Malenko, and
ultimately paid the price in her match with Ivory. Lawler: "She couldn't
wait to get her hands on him!"
DEAN MALENKO is already in the ring. "Lita...do you know how fortunate you
were this past Monday when these lips were pressed against yours but for a
moment - which I'm sure, to you, must have felt like a lifetime. You know
that if I were to offer these lips to every woman in the arena tonight,
there would be a line backed up right outta town. Cole: "He's worse than
you." Lawler: "What are you talking about?" "But don't worry, Lita - you
know and I know these lips are for one person, and one person only. So
sorry, ladies, these lips--" Strangely, the Y2J countdown hits. Lawler:
"Does he wanna kiss Dean?" CHRIS THURSDAY JERICHO has some words. "Hey if
you're lookin' for something to kiss, here's an idea - why don't you pucker
up those lips and kiss my ass? I mean, I don't know if it was more painful
beating Kane in the Last Man Standing match last Sunday, or watching Lita
get hit on by a past-his-prime nerd with the sex appeal of Urkel. So Dean
Malurkel, it's go time!"
DEAN MALENKO v. CHRIS THURSDAY JERICHO in a (presumably) nontitle match -
Malenko strikes first, right, right, into the ropes, duck, flying jalapeno
by Jericho. Gutshot, right, chop, chop, into the ropes, back body drop.
"Y2J!" Kick by Jericho. Right hand. EDDIE GUERRERO is out. Into the
ropes, dropkick misses when Malenko holds onto the ropes. Leg lariat from
Malenko. Right, right, kick, "Eddie Sux!" Into the ropes, Jericho slides
under, Malenko catches the kick, and ALSO catches an enzuigiri in the
chops. Right by Jericho, whip into the opposite corner is reversed, boot
up by Jericho, tornado DDT, cover...but Guerrero is on the apron and
referee "Blind" Jack Doan is spending all his attention on him. Jericho
forearms Guerrero to the ground...and turns back to find himself in a small
package. However, Jericho rolls it into a cover of his own...for 2! Into
the ropes, head down, sunset flip by Malenko, but Jericho flips it - and
counters with a big powerbomb! Going for the Lionsault...but Guerrero
decks him as he comes off the ropes. Malenko covers - 1, 2, 3. (1:54)
Post-match, Jericho lays into Malenko with rights, taking him over the top
rope to the outside. So Guerrero comes in and punks him out from behind,
but Jericho turns it around - double leg...Walls of Jericho! Guerrero
taps...and Lawler makes fun of him tapping when it isn't a match. The rest
of the REFS come out to try to get the hold broken...but Jericho refuses.
Six refs can't pull him off! Oh, wait, they can.
Vince watches the doin's. "It's all on the Commissioner's watch...yep."
Jericho's music is cut short when he clamps it on him AGAIN. Where's
Malenko? Guess he's still out. Play Jericho's music again!
"Backstage Mayhem" ad #3
Moments Ago...that Jericho's a fireplug.
The trainer attends to a wounded - and unhappy - Guerrero
Meanwhile, Angle catches up to Regal. "William! Hey, I just want to say
how honoured I am to have you as my partner. And, no hard feelings about
that whole Revolutionary War thing. I mean, the fact that my ancestors
slaughtered so many of your ancestors...I mean, if we were in charge, there
wouldn't have never been a war! Because we're civil, we can get along -
unlike our opponents tonight, the Rock and Stone Cold Steve Austin. You
know what I'm saying?" "Listen to me, Kurt - I know that we can get along,
but I doubt very much if those two swines of opponents of ours can. Let's
go, come on." "Oh I know, it's true." Regal had four or five funny
expressions in this short bit.
Meanwhile, KEVIN "NAILZ" KELLY stands in the awesome presence of the Rock -
who quickly invites him to stop talking with a wave of his hand. "Finally,
the Rock HAS COME BACK to Little....ROCK! You know, the Brahma Bull and
the Rattlesnake have never got along, never been friends, probably never
will be, but tonight it's different. Because we have common enemies in
William Regal and Kurt Angle. And you see, the Rock knows his opponents a
lot better than they think - so see as we're in Little...Rock...the Rock
has got a little story. Once upon a time, many many many many years ago,
there was a little Angle...and a little Regal. And little Regal used to
fly to the USA and pay his little friend a visit. And little Regal used to
knock on little Angle's door. (knocking noise - 11) Little Angle would
answer the door and little Regal would say this: 'I say, little Angle, in
an act of goodwill, would you please come outside so I could play with your
ball?' And little Angle would reply, and he'd say this: 'No, it's my ball!
Only I can touch my litle ball. Nobody else! It's mine mine mine mine
mine!' Back and forth, back and forth, little Regal: 'Oh please, little
Angle, but just one time I'd like to touch your ball, feel your little
ball, is that okay?' 'No no no, it's my ball!' Arguing back and forth,
keepin' the neighbourhood up all night long, until they were paid a visit
by little....Rock. And little Rock would walk up to little Angle and
little Regal, and he'd say this: 'Little Angle - little Regal - ' (yes,
puberty came early for little Rock) - 'the Rock has got a solution for both
your problems. So the Rock says this: he's gonna take little Angle's ball
and place it in little Regal's hand. And then the Rock is gonna take the
ball and the hand, turn 'em sideways and stick 'em straight up little
Angle's candyass! That way, everybody's happy. Little Angle gets to keep
the ball, and little Regal gets to touch the ball.' A happy ending to this
little story. Now all entertaining aside, the R--" "Rock E!" "All
entertaining aside, tonight, on SmackDown!, the Rock and Austin, against
Angle and Regal, and the Rock says this: you two jabrones get ready for the
international ass kicking of a lifetime, IF YA SMELLLLLLLLALALALALOOOOOW
what the Rock is cookin'!"
Stone Cold Steve Austin is WALKING!
SmackDown! 2 ad - is this really the first one of the night, or did I just
go to the bathroom at the wrong time?
WWF SmackDown! returns in a moment, right after this UPN bumper!
KING KURT ANGLE & WILLIAM REGAL (with Well It's Kane - huh?) v. IF YA
SMELLLLLLLL DOT COM and STEP OFF DOT COM - Rather than see Angle's pyro
again, Kane's wall of fire shoots up, interrupting Angle's music. Kane is
announced as accompanying the first team...well, this is a development.
Lawler mentions Angle's Christmas invitation to Kane a few weeks back - oh
yeah, I forgot about that. Regal and Austin start - Lockup, right forearm
by Regal, left forearm, forearm, forearm, forearm, Austin fires back with a
right, right, right, right, right, right, right, referee "Blind" Earl
Hebner tries to get between them and while he does, Regal sneaks in a thumb
to the eye. Forearm to the back. Into the ropes, reversed, KICK WHAM--
no, Regal shoves him off and heads to...oops, wrong corner, as Rock throws
a right, pinballing Regal into an Austin right, Rock, Austin, into the
ropes, Regal ducks the clothesline, but Austin buries the knee in the gut -
1, 2, no. Into the ropes, Regal with a sunset flip, but Austin just sits
on him and punches away. Regal gets the legs under the shoulders and rolls
it forward, but Austin somersaults backwards...got the legs - stomp to the
lowermidsection. Regal catches a right, then manages a forearm and tag
out. Angle runs...right into an armdrag. Arm wringer...Rock wants the tag
and the crowd wants Austin to tag. Austin lingers just a bit on the
decision...but does make the tag. Open right. Right, right, into the
ropes, running forearm. Angle rakes the face, though. Angle with a right,
right, into the ropes, head down, swinging neckbreaker by the Rock...for 2.
Head to Austin's boot, tag. Austin puts Angle's head under his arm...but
Angle shoves him backwards to his own corner, tag by Regal, left, left,
left, left. Into the ropes is reversed...Austin with a sleeper. Angle
comes in to help but all he does is allow Austin to hit a double noggin
knocker. Austin with a snap suplex (Austin has a SNAP SUPLEX?) for Regal -
1, and Regal kicks out. Only 1? No wonder he doesn't use it. Arm
wringer, tag to Rock, open shot to the midsection, right by Austin, right
by Rock, Regal to the eyes, back to his corner and holding him open for
kicks from Angle...as we look back to Vince McMahon's office, where a
monitor is given regard from the Chairman. Right by Angle. Right. Right.
Right is blocked, Rock with a right, right, into the ropes is reversed,
Regal manages a slap, but it has no effect - Rock turns around and slugs
him. Back to Angle...block, right, right, off the ropes but Kane (oh yeah!
forgot about him) lowers the bridge and pulls Rock to the outside. Scoops
him up...and drops him on the barricade. Regal over to stomp on him...then
throws him back to Angle. Stomp, stomp, stomp, stomp, right hand. Right.
Right. Right. Into the ropes, Rock ducks, right, right, right, into the
corner is reversed, Rock tries to catch him in Rock Bottom when he pops
out, but Angle elbows out of it. Rock catches the kick - dragon screw
legwhip into the Sharpshooter! Regal gives him a left forearm to the back
to break it up. Back to Vince: "I've got a feeling things are gonna turn
out real well for me here tonight - this is lookin' pretty good - yeah."
Both men are down - who will tag? Angle decides to try to run at him...but
ends up in a spinebuster. Is he gonna do the most elec--no, Kane pulls him
out again - right. Austin is over, right, right, right, right, into the
STEEL steps. Austin runs back to his corner - meanwhile, Angle AND Regal
are both stomping all over the Rock after he manages to get back in the
ring. Into the ropes, but it's a double clothesline by the Rock! Austin
urges the crowd - and their voice swells. Rock crawls ever so slowly to
the corner...Angle has the ankle, but it's not enough - HOT TAG! Right for
you, right for you, right for you, right for you, right for you, Regal into
the ropes, big clothesline, one for Angle, one for Regal, Angle into the
ropes, spinebuster, Regal into the ropes, Thesz press, twelve quick rights.
Meanwhile, Kane pulls Hebner out of the ring - might as well, since the
rules are CLEARLY going unenforced anyway - block, right for Rock, right
for Austin, right for Rock, right for Austin, Austin and Rock combine for a
double punch that finds the mark and puts Kane down. Get to stompin'! But
Angle and Regal are up - it's ALLLLLLLLL breakin' down here. Rock manages
his spit punch on Angle, and Austin KICK WHAM STUNNER for Regal...but Kane
has Austin in a choke. Austin kicks him in the nuts, then clotheslines him
outside. Elsewhere on the outside, Rock is working over Regal, and tosses
him in to Austin - KICK WHAM STUNNER - 1, 2, 3. (7:43) Austin's music
plays. Angle grabs his belt and heads for higher ground...with Kane...and
stares at Austni Regal is left lying like a dog. I wonder what he'll
think about Angle when he wakes up?
Back to Vince's office for a coda. "Hang on a second here...let me get a
drink of water. All right, I'm back with you. Who the hell-" It's a
floor director with a cel phone. "Mr. McMahon, Mr. McMahon, there's an
emergency phone call - emergency phone call - it's your son, Shane." "An
emergency call from my son Shane....(into his phone) hang on a second...
this better be good. Shano!" A surprised McMahon gets to his feet.
"When? Well....what do you know? All right. Naw, I'll - I'll take the
private plane home tonight. Mmm hmmm....keep me posted, I'll be leaving
here soon, I'll be on my cel. All right, thanks." He hands the phone back
to the producer. "My wife, Linda...they just rushed her to the
hospital..." Is McMahon breaking down? Well, he *looks* like he's
crying....but as his head raises and we check the mirror's
reflection...he's got that sinister smile once again. And now...a rather
evil look...and a visceral, almost glottal chuckle. "Heh heh heh heh
heh..."
Credits are up and we're out.
Gotta get ready for the WrestleManiacs holiday office party - it stands to
be quite a soiree, even though Ben declined to attend - apparently, our
party was scheduled the same night as Vince Russo's, Roddy Piper's, Shane
Douglas', Sonny Onoo's, and quite a few lawyers' - damn his popularity AND
his Rolodex! E.C. couldn't make it, either - he said his wife told him
that he was *already* spending too much time with us; besides, he'd
probably just kill off the party anyway. We were pretty lucky to get the
rest of the originals, though. Al is going to spend the entire party under
the table, for some reason. Scott's all ready to say "the hors d'oeuvres
were there - one a half stars" AND provide gift-wrapped copies of his
upcoming book...provided we pay him for them in advance. Mike plans on
attending...but he'll only be actually *talking* once an hour. Rick's
gonna go into great detail telling us how totally shitfaced he's gonna
get...then he'll actually GET totally shitfaced - and THEN, amuse us all by
alternating between repeatedly saying "I love you guys" and continually
apologising profusely for ever signing us to that damn WrestleLine
contract. As for me, I'll be hanging the decorations, doing the catering,
tending bar AND serving as DJ...because, dammit, I just don't trust any of
these other yahoos around here to get the job done.
See you next week!
Christopher Robin Zimmerman
www.CRZ.net