by Christopher Robin Zimmerman
WrestleLine/WrestleManiacs
Thanks to the WWF and WrestleLine for getting me comped to the show!
Did you hear the one about the runaway XFL blimp? "The limp blimp,"
Channel 11 called it. Crashed on the side of the Jack London Square
restaurant - rather spectacular home video footage that probably *won't*
make it to WWF television. The REAL irony is that blimp was supposed to
fly over the Raiders/Ravens AFC Championship game. *Somebody* still likes
the NFL best!
Anyway, the blimp ended up landing a half mile away from I-880 -
fortunately for us, it didnt land ON the freeway, meaning Phil and I could
arrive at the Oakland Arena just in time (7:35) to catch TONY CHIMEL & MARK
YEATON walking out to a "hey, I know who they are!" pop. Since SmackDown!
was only 90 minutes this week, they took the opportunity to tape some extra
matches - TWO weeks of Heat? An opportunity to test out new characters?
Well, read on...we'll guess together!
Referee Mike Sparks gets an indifferent reaction, and the dark match is on:
PROTOTYPE defeated AARON AGUILERA in 4:04. If I remember my Learning
Channel specials correctly, I think both these guys are UPW talent, and
this isn't Prototype's first Oakland dark match. Aguilera wore a "Hijo de
Jefe" T-shirt - Jefe's a UPW manager, isn't he? Anyway, you've heard it
all before - Prototype is one *built* dude, and both men had a good chance
to strut their stuff in the typical four minute special. I missed the
finish when people walked in front of me to get to their seats, but it
sounded like a definite power move for the pin.
Teddy Long comes out to a MONSTER pop off his performance Monday.
In a nontitle, non-hardcore match, RAVEN defeated RODNEY of the Mean Street
Posse in 3:38 with ye olde DDTe and pin.
The Heat logo fills the oval in the entryway - will these matches air on
Heat? Who knows?
Dennis Knight was annouced as TEX SLAZENGER, making his way out to the ring
to Dusty Rhodes' theme "American Dream," dressed in Texas tights and a
black, sleeveless T-shirt reading "don't annoy the crazy person" - *and*
sporting a fresh Corino-esque dyejob on the hair. "Wassup Oakland! I
didn't hear ya - what's up? Ya know, I been a lotta things in my time, but
now I'm going to stop trying to be somebody else...and tonight I'm just
gonna kick Big Boss Man's ass just like the Raiders will on Sunday!"
Instant #1 face status for Slazenger. Indeed, BIG BOSS MAN made his return
to competition, and HE got some mic time as well. "I would like for you,
and all these people to take this opportunity to kiss my ass. You think
you're a Common Man just like all these pieces of trash..." after some more
"in-bred freaks" comparisons with the crowd, Slazenger stopped him with an
"oof" and a slugfest erupted...albeit, a comedy one. Comedy spots included
Slazenger shining his ass with a bandana and then giving Raven's snot rag
technique to the Boss Man. He also kissed referee Jack Doan at one point
in the match. Boss Man took the match in 5:23 with a Boss Man slam for the
pin. Post-match, they had a battle for the nightstick which was so
significant I apparently took no notes on it. Oops. Anyway, it looks like
they're onto something with this Dusty-esque character - I don't think he's
going to debut on TV yet, but they're pretty close with it. Nice to see
Boss Man's back, as well.
Doan sticks around to tackle the next match - ESSA RIOS pins JOEY ABS in
5:28 after a moonsault.
JONATHAN COACHMAN & MICHAEL HAYES are introduced. Huh? Heat doesn't have
commentators at ringside....unless maybe these will be shown the night of
the Royal Rumble? Or are they the UK Heat commentators? Anybody know?
LO DOWN (with Tiger Ali Singh) came out - Singh again shared with us his
quest for the respect he deserves. "You people have shown us nothing but
disrespect and prejudice! We're not driving taxicabs, serving Slurpees at
the 7-Eleven...we are ATHLETES! I demand all of your SILENCE (BIG BOO!)
while we pay our respect!" Some ceremony involving their turbans and a
silver tray of rose petals follows. Their opponents tonight are the
ACOLYTES. Faarooq says they've got a tight schedule - do they have time to
fight? Bradshaw suggests they can get them a taxi after the match.
Everybody yuks it up. "We don't care why you make Slurpees, we just wanna
know why you don't drink beer!" Bradshaw goes into a lengthy speech about
how they're not prejudiced, don't care about heritage and so on and so on -
"we're just equal opportunity asskickers!" This goes over rather well,
leading to an "APA" chant during the match. Match goes in and out, Teddy
Long loses track of things legal and illegal - not to mention behind his
back, but the end comes in 4:54 when Bradshaw hits the Hades lariat on D'Lo
Brown for the fall.
IVORY comes out to say a few words. "Let's take a look at what aired this
past Monday night on RAW." Highlights of the Cole/Chyna sitdown. "Let me
ask all of you...does anybody here really care whether Chyna steps back
into the ring? Well, the World Wrestling Federation should not allow it -
the World Wrestling Federation should not allow Chyna to talk all of you
into believing nudity is okay...and violence is acceptible...and maybe the
almighty dollar is more important than making a difference in this world."
The WWF, by making Chyna a role model, has everyone confused, but the Right
to Censor knows that Chyna is more interested in cashing in on immorality
than making a difference in this world. "Now, Chyna, if you're so anxious
to get back into the ring, then I want to be the one you get in the ring
for!" She calls Chyna a cheap tramp, cashing in on who knows what people
do to that dirty magazine! It's disgusting, it's humiliating, and it's
totally unacceptible. Chyna is a CANCER to the image of what the Right to
Censor stand for. She goes on to intimate that Chyna looked..."rather
healthy," in fact *she* believes she's bluffing - and afraid to step into
the ring with her! "I'm so sure...that I'll put my title on the line to
prove it! And that is where I will prove that *I* am the TRUE champion of
women's rights...and it will be for poor little Chyna's own good."
Best match of Heat saw KAI EN TAI take on TOO COOL. "Yo, homeboys! You
might be funky...but can you fight?" "In-DEED." Too Cool worked the
crowd, and everybody was happy to do the American Males clap. Back and
forth match had the one spot *I* wanted to see (camel clutch/bow/dropkick
to the face) so I was able to ignore the Worm and be happy. After about
4:30, both men from Japan rolled out and took the mic...er...took the mic
one more time. "Your teachers taught you well, but there's a time to
fight...and there's a time to dance. So LET'S GET JIGGY WITH IT!"
In-DEED." Too Cool are taken aback, but produce two pair of Magic Funky
Glasses and the next thing you know, all four men are DANCING! Taka
settles for the "I'm gonna do the Michioku Driver" dance....or is that the
"choppy choppy your pee pee" dance? The turnbuckles go sparkly and the
crowd goes nuts. Anyway, they hit that final "crossed arms" pose...and
then Kaientai brings about the SHOCKING SWERVE by totally punking out Sexay
and Hotty! MICHINOKU DRIVER! "You fools! We are not to be trusted! We
are EVIL! HAhahahahahaha!" "In-DEED." Referee Jack Doan apparently threw
the match out - depending on how charitable you want to be, you can call it
(no contest 4:30) right up to (no contest under 7)
Mike Sparks takes the ring as ALBERT (by his damn self) takes out CRASH
(with Molly Holly) with an Albertbomb in 3:27. Crowd was more interested
in chanting "We want Trish!" After the match, Albert continues the
punishment - I keep waiting for Molly to take him on, but instead HARDCORE
HOLLY runs out and turns it around, giving Albert the patented crotch kick,
then the Best Dropkick in the Business. Hardcore and Crash had a bonding
moment, and all three Hollys left together.
Why's the crowd going wild? THE BLUE ROPES ARE HERE! THE BLUE ROPES ARE HERE!
MICHAEL COLE is introduced.
LILIAN GARCIA hits the national anthem. For Jeff Amdur, I timed it at 1:36.
Chimel starts to shill the framed photos...but he's cut off by JERRY
LAWLER's music. Cole has a good laugh at his expense for *that*.
Chimel manages to get the entire shill out - Undertaker, Lita, Rock, and
Trish Stratus are available!
At 8:58 the lights go out...and we're off!
One World Leader Attitude - WWF!
Clips from RAW
Opening Credits
Hit the PYRO and everybody's got a sign!
VINCE McMAHON starts us off with the heap big interview segment. He wants
us to know he had *nothing* to do with Austin being screwed out of the
title by Triple H - he was just as shocked as all of us were! Triple H was
verbally reprimanded as late as "this morning." Where's all the acrimony
between Austin and Triple H from? Consider the past - Triple H hired
Rikishi to run Austin down a year ago. Austin raised Triple H thirty feet
in a car...and dropped him to the ground. It was miraculous that Triple H
even survived. Monday, Triple H used a lead pipe to give Austin a
concussion. Where will it end? "Right here, right now - tonight." Vince
ordered a special 24 hour cooling off period, strongly suggesting that
neither man appear tonight - in the interests of safety. Austin's bubble
has burst - he's possessed with becoming WWF Champion, but his chance came
and went. In the interests of fairness, however, he'll consider putting
Austin in the Royal Rumble. Speaking of fairness, the current champion
Kurt Angle must defend the WWF Championship at the Royal Rumble against the
#1 Contender...who just happens to be Triple H. Vince, remember, is tough
but fair...he didn't pick Triple H just because he happens to be his his
son-in-law - he picked Triple H Because He's Just That Damn Good. Since
neither man will be here tonight, he's gone to great expense to set up a
special satellite link so that we could hear from both men tonight.
Unfortunately, only one man took him up on it...good evening, Triple H and
Stephanie.
H plays contrite while the crowd chants Austin. "I cost Austin the one
thing he holds dearest in his heart, the WWF Championship...I wish I could
change it...you know, truth be told, I wouldn't change a damn thing.
Austin, just when you thought I was gone, your problems had
disappeared...I'M BACK." A year of rehab, blood, sweat and tears, and just
when he thought it would all pay off, and he'd once again have the WWF
Championship... "quicker than a referee can get his hand down for the third
time, I took it all away....I took it all away." This will end when he
says it'll end. This will be over when he SAYS it's over. It will be
finished when he's happy - and he'll be happy when Stone Cold Steve Austin
sits on his bed in San Antonio - not drinking a beer, because his head will
be held in place and he won't be able to - he will be watching the World
Wrestling Federation champion...he will be watching.... "me." This will be
finished when Stone Cold Steve Austin is finished.
Stephanie tells her father: "Triple H was justified in what he did on
Monday! Did you see what Austin did to me? Austin dumped beer all over
me, then Austin ripped my shirt off in front of millions of people.
Austin, as far as I'm concerned, is gettin exactly what's coming to him."
Citing her father's fairness, she thanks him for bestowing upon her husband
what he richly deserves...
Back to Vince: "I'm not doing this on behalf of my family - it's just the
fair thing to do. HHH: "Kurt Angle, you have been and you still are the
World Wrestling Federation champion because *I* have allowed it. My
attention has been diverted elsewhere, but at Royal Rumble you will receive
my undivided attention, and *I* will receive the WWF Championship. Vince,
I've said it before and I'll say it again: you are a genius, as well as a
great father-in-law, father of the most beautiful woman on the planet."
It's a good idea that he didn't want he and Stone Cold in the
building..."if we were, I wouldn't be able to help myself - I'd kick his
ass one more time." Play his music!
The Rock is WALKING!
TONIGHT: A fatal 4 Way pits Rock, Undertaker, Rikishi and Kane - winner
gets #30 in the Royal Rumble matchup!
Tim White hits the ring during the "ad break" - also, "Go Raiders" buys me
a beer. God bless that man - and God bless the Raiders!
When we come back, Edge & Christian are backstage, wondering why "Sir
Nose-a-lot" gets a title shot? Well, they'll visit Kurt and cheer him up -
say - where *is* Kurt Angle?
HARDY BOYZ (with Lita and Let Us Take You Back to Monday) and THE ONE BILLY
GUNN fall to GOODFATHER & BULL BUCHANAN & VAL VENIS (with Stevie Richards &
Ivory) in 4:12 when it all breaks down, Richards sneaks in a Stevenkick on
Matt and Venis covers for the fall.
Lilian Garcia talks to Undertaker backstage - he has designs on winning the
#30 spot in the rumble, and using that as a stepping stone to the WWF
Championship. Garcia bows to Undertaker's flawless logic.
WWFShopZone.com ad
Jim Korderas hits the ring during the break.
Here's a look at the Oakland Arena...and the SOLD OUT marquee. They *did*
look to be a legit sellout - must have been a good set of walkups today
Kane paces about
TEST beats K-KWIK with a big boot and pin in 3:34. Kwik got the super
extended rap intro and made up for it by blowing his backflip three times -
never DID land on his feet. At least one whip reversal series was blown so
badly that they just decided to do it again - and I'm sure it'll be edited
out by Thursday. There's a Hand of Friendship post match - awwwwwww,
they're both faces! After some replays, we look back at Test up on the
stage, posing to the crowd one more time - and who should appear but
WILLIAM REGAL, waffling him with the European title belt! Is Regal still
acting on Trish's behalf....at Vince's behest? And how many people will
overlook this shocking continuity in favour of bitching that Regal has
moved from Austin....to Test? (Hint: not me, but definitely everybody else)
Rock is in his dressing room! Wow!
Fanatic Series: WWF Divas in the Caribbean ad
ad break
Chimel shills tag team replica belts and WWF Championship belt "with
scratch logo!" as well as the stuffed worm of Scotty 2 Hotty - they're
TWENTY BUCKS! Can you BELIEVE that?
WWF New York look
Rikishi squats
The Demon cheerleaders (woo woo!) encounter Kaientai, who dazzle them with
dubbed pickup lines. "How do you do that?" "Ancient Chinese
secret...although we're not Chinese. Show us your pom poms!"
Coach has found Kurt Angle. He resents that people think Austin had him
beat on Monday. "I HAD Austin...but I guess we'll never know, will we."
He was all set to beat Austin and get the respect he deserved! In the
Olympic Game of life, Austin doesn't even qualify. Turning to Triple H,
Angle reminds him that HE too was involved in the Hell in a Cell match that
he won - and by extension, Triple H lost. He knows better than anyone that
the McMahons have a habit of always getting what they want, and since he
can't get a McMahon to stand in his corner, he'll get the next best
thing...a person whose lifelong dream it has been to manage a
champion...and he brings out...Trish Stratus!
Chris Jericho is WALKING!
Chris Benoit is WALKING!
The Dudley Boyz are WALKING!
Dick Butkus is PIMPING!
ad break
The WWF Slam of the Week is brought to you by 1-800-COLLECT...and it's Edge
& Christian's faux Dudleyz...and the real Dudleyz' reaction to them, from
RAW
EDGE & CHRISTIAN hit the ring. "Greetings to all of our fans in Oakland!
As you all know, it's playoff time...and just like Edge & Christian (the
five-time champions) are the bad boys of the World Wrestling Federation,
the Raiders are so TOTALLY the bad boys of the NFL." "And this Sunday,
over at the Colesium..." and he removes his jacket to reveal a Ravens
shirt. ...well, the crowd turns on a DIME, just as you'd expect. For the
benefit of those with flash photography, tonight's pose is called On Any
Given Sunday. Christian, clad in a Raiders jersey, attempts to spear Edge,
only to fall to the mat when the Raven doesn't budge. Their partner is
CHRIS BENOIT (with Let Us Take You Back to Monday) - it's six-man action
and the first opponent is CHRIS JERICHO. He's always wanted to be the
intercontinental champion just like Benoit - he's already done it twice,
but when he sees the title around his waist, he wants to go for number
three. He beat his gap-toothed ass [huh?] Monday, so at the Royal Rumble
he wants a title shot. Benoit says that they've battled all around the
world, and he's beaten him, and beaten him, and beaten him, and beaten him.
And beaten him every single time, so "I accept - in fact, I'll give you any
kind of match you want." 'cause he can't Prove Him Wrong. After asking
him to Shut The Hell Up, Jericho says he'd like ...... a ladder match. At
the Rumble it's time for lucky number three - and tonight, it's time for
3D! Jericho's partners are the DUDLEY BOYZ. Unfortunately, this six man
action doesn't last even a minute before the sound of breaking glass and
STONE COLD STEVE AUSTIN (with a chair) interrupts everything - the ring
clears quickly, but not quickly enough for Buh Buh Ray Dudley and Edge who
each get WHACKED on their way out. Austin tells Vince he's got three
seconds to get his ass to the ring. "1, 2, 3, 4, Jesus Christ son, you're
already late!" "No Chance in Hell" plays and Vince walks out...but Austin
stops him. "Stop right there - you take another step and I'l split your
skull wide open! You ever turn your back on me again, I'll split your
skull wide open! Now you sit there, look like a jackass and listen to
Stone Cold Steve Austin. I'm not here to cry about Monday," but he takes
offense to Vince's suggestion that he cool off, Stone Cold, stay away,
Stone Cold - "nobody tells Stone Cold Steve Austin what to do." He's got
one question. Is Stone Cold Steve Austin in the Royal Rumble? Crowd goes
nuts. Austin repeats his question (for editing purposes?) Vince: "You're
in." "Yer damn right - that's all I needed to from ya. Now turn around
and go tell 29 others that Steve Austin is highly pissed off." As far as
Triple H, it's easy to talk trash two thousand miles away. It ain't over
until he says it's over? Eh eh! Austin plans on settling the score after
winning the Rumble - and that's the bottom line, because Stone Cold said
so! So...Austin doesn't think Angle has a chance either, does he. Austin
FINALLY gets some beer this week, with a two beer salute from the stage.
Tony Chimel reminds the live crowd of the main event to come.
Phil starts mullet hunting...remind me to see if I can provide scans later.
Your hosts are a pair of kings, lest you've forgotten - there's a "Tough
Enough" ad in here - I was thinking about signing up, but after reading up
on how they want to totally take over your life for months while you don't
see a dime from it, I've decided that it may be the 21st century, but it's
still slavery....even if you COULD get famous from it.
Moments Ago, two WHACKS and several quotes
Earl Hebner comes out. Looks like no more matches before the main event...
Vince McMahon is WALKING! Behind his door lies Trish Stratus. "What are
you doing, volunteering your services to Kurt Angle?" Trish gets creepy
with "I wouldn't EVER do anything to displease you..." and Vince starts
growling and I start figuring I'll just catch it on Thursday. But then
Trish says something about "deserving a spanking," and I start paying
attention again. "Come to think of it, you HAVE been....a very bad girl."
Oops, just lost me again. Just as well, as the door closes in front of the
camera and we stare at the MR. McMAHON nameplate instead." Guess Triple H
and Stephanie really *aren't* here, or we'd have seen them by NOW, right?
Just as the door closes, Kane's BOOM goes off, scaring all of us shitless.
KANE v. RIKISHI v. AD BREAK? MAYBE
I *totally* blew it. I had a real chance to figure out how the STEEL steps
made it from ringside to on end and against the barricade, but I NEVER SAW
IT HAPPEN. Apparently, I was staring at the Ovaltron. Had the chance -
blew it. SO sad. I may NEVER know how it happens.
Anyway, UNDERTAKER rides out on his beautiful Titan bike - Rikishi, having
avoided Kane all this time, rolls into the ring to avoid getting run over
and they start brawling. Undertaker hits the fray, and *then* THE ROCK
makes it out to the ring. The bell doesn't ring to start the match until
Rock's in. EVERYBODY decides to stand up during this match, so I can't
tell you too much of what happens - basically they pair off, usually with
one pair in and one pair out. Surprisingly, it's usually Kane and Rikishi
as one pair, and Undertaker and Rock as the other (are they developing an
issue here?). Watch for the KING of all chairshots on Rikishi by Kane.
Finishers are hit, and saves are made in quick succession. If I saw
correctly through the throng, at least two men come up bloody from this
match. Anyway, the finish comes at 8:39 when Rikishi manages to squash
Kane with the Fat Ass Splash for the fall while Rock and Undertaker are
occupied outside the ring. So Rikishi will get #30 - has #30 EVER won?
Post-match, Undertaker demolishes Rikishi with a triple-spin clothesline,
Undertaker and Rock have a visible disagreement, Undertaker readies Rock
for a chokeslam (!), but Rock kicks him in the nuts. Kane's up -
ahhhhhTHECHOKESLAAAAAM for the Rock. ahhhhhTHECHOKESLAAAAAM for
Undertaker! ahhhhhTHECHOKESLAAAAAM for Rikishi as well! Kane's the last
man standing - he sets the turnbuckles alight as his music hits...and off
he goes.
I think that's where the show will end.
Rikishi staggers off next...
Undertaker drives off on his Beautiful Titan Bike - stopping at the top to
give the Power to the People fist.
Rock's already got a mic in the ring...will he use it? I wonder. "Rock
E!" "Now the Rock says...whether it's Kane or Rikishi, the Rock says he
doesn't feel like leaving Oakland!" Here comes RIKISHI back out to the
stage... and here's Rock with the "Just bring it" hand motion. Hebner
tries to stop him, but now he's in... They trade punches...Rikishi getting
on top of the exchange, into the ropes, reversal, spinebuster!
Annnnnnnnnnnnnd...the People's Elbow! Rikishi rolls out of the ring as "If
ya smelll.........." plays. And Rikishi walks off.
Rock poses on all four corners...teasing leaving the ring before hitting
the last corner. DJ Ran would probably say that *that's* the rowdiest
section in the building. And now Rock DOES go between the ropes...and
walks back up the aisle. One more raised fist to the crowd...and a
People's Eyebrow into the OvalTron. And he's gone without any more words
to the crowd.
And the music stops.
Chimel reminds us the souvenir stands are still open, and thanks us on
behalf of WOW the entire company for attending tonight. "Don't forget to
watch yourselves on UPN 44! GOOD NIGHT!"
RAW was better - oops, sorry - still, lots of interesting things buried in
there. Did you find them all, too?
I'll be back Thursday with a studio version of this live track. Come back
then!
Christopher Robin Zimmerman
www.CRZ.net