by Christopher Robin Zimmerman
I GET LETTERS: What the hell are you talking about calling Donovan
Morgan, Boyce LeGrande and Robert Thompson "already in the ring"???
Those are three of the top indy wrestlers in the Nation. Don't you know
anything about Indy Wrestling? Where the hell in California are you from
if you don't even know those three by their faces? From now on, i am
going to stay away from your mark-reports as you have lost all credibility
as a wrestling reporter in my eyes.
This letter was from a guy who's staying away from my reports and
obviously doesn't need his name at the top of the column, so instead I'll
thank Jobbrkilr for saying the same thing above, only a hell of a lot
nicer and without robbing me of my "credibility."
You know what - I think I'm swearing off APW *forever*. Yup, I think I'll
NEVER go to an APW show. Their fans make *ECW* fans look balanced and
mentally stable. No sir, no thanks. Tell you what - if these "best indy
wrestlers in the nation" are REALLY talented, then they'll make it to a
REAL promotion and a REAL television show and I'll see them THERE. FINE?
FINE. Credibility THIS, bozo. APW fans can SUCK IT. (Except Jobbrkilr.
Oh, and BostonIdol.)
KINGS UPDATE: 23-9, three points behind Portland. No sooner did I predict
a 3-0 week than the Kings dropped ANOTHER home game, this time to the
Pacers. I didn't see it, so I can't be blamed. Interestingly, all three
home losses have needed overtime - which just goes to show that this team
just doesn't have the clutch, and they NEED to find it. ("Geez, can't you
just be happy that them and the Sixers are the only teams in the league
with single digits in the loss column?") Well....I guess I'm just a
basketball smark. ("Never mind.")
I GET LETTERS: A couple dozen UK readers wrote it to let me know that,
indeed, Coachman & Hayes tackle the hosting duties for Heat across the
pond, so that's that mystery. SO, I'll revise my speculation back to ONE
week of Heat taped, with a few extras to make up for the missing half hour
of *tonight's* show. The Heat report (do we still have a Heat report?)
will fill in the final gaps, and we'll know for sure.
Hey, perhaps *you're* one of those people who like to see how the finished
product holds up against the way it was originally taped, and if you are, I
encourage you to step back to the live report when you're done here and see if you can catch some
>glimpses into how the WWF works - or, if not that, how well I can (or
>can't) take notes.
"Tonight on UPN: WWF SmackDown!, followed by a sneak preview of Gary &
Mike, beginning RIGHT NOW!"
TV-PG-DLV - One World Leader Attitude - WWF!
LAST MONDAY: Quite a few of you wrote to tell me that that was the best RAW
report I'd done in a long while. Was it attending the show live that
rekindled the fire inside? Was it the fact that I was working with good
material? Was it simply that YOU too enjoyed the show? These questions
and many more....will not be answered anytime soon. At least, by me. In
the meantime, let's watch these clips.
Cover your ears 'cause PYRO IS LOUD - coming to you from the Oakland Arena,
in the shadow of the Network Associates Colesium in Oakland, CA 11.1.1
(taped 9.1) and transmitido en espanol SAP on the United Paramount
Network...THIS is WWF SMACKDOWN!
BILLIONAIRE VINCE wastes no time coming out to make some noise...hopefully
in only 3/4 the time. Whoa, was that a BARRY HOROWITZ sign in the crowd?
"Just for the record, I had absolutely nothing to do with Stone Cold being
screwed out of the WWF title by Triple H last Monday on RAW - I had nothing
to do with it. To be honest with you, I was just as shocked as *you* were
at Triple H's intervention...and quite frankly, Triple H was verbally
reprimanded by me as last as...just...well, just this morning. You know,
you have to think: where is this acrimony between Triple H and Austin going
to end?" "Ass hole!" "Where does this acrimony between Austin and Triple
H end? Consider what's happened in the past. Consider the fact that
Triple H hired Rikishi to run over Austin in an automobile a little more
than a year ago. Consider the fact that Austin, using a crane, hoisted
Triple H up in his car some forty feet, and allowed him to drop down to the
concrete...*miraculously*, Triple H sustained a minor injury. And then,
last Monday night on RAW, Triple H battered Stone Cold in the head with a
lead pipe - Austin sustained a concussion. Where's all this gonna end?
I'll tell you...it's gonna end right here, right now - tonight. Because I
have ordered a special 24 hour cooling off period between these two. And I
have STRONGLY suggested that neither one of the two individuals - in the
interest of safety - appear here tonight. I know...I know Austin's bubble
was burst, so to speak, when he didn't win the title Monday night, because
let's face it - Stone Cold is absolutely possessed with being World
Wrestling Federation champion. So as a result of that, and in the
interests of fairness, I will consider - again, I will consider allowing
Austin to be placed in the thirty-man Royal Rumble matchup. Now (in the
interest of fairness), Kurt Angle, the WWF Champion. In the interest of
fairness, Mr. Angle must defend his WWF Championship at the Royal Rumble
event against the #1 Contender. And that #1 Contender is now......is
now................Triple H. Now my new year's resolution was to be tough
but fair; I know that's tough news but it's fair. Because I selected
Triple H to be the #1 Contender not because he's my son-in-law, but simply
I know and you know, he's the #1 Contender because He's Just That Damn
Good. And as far as this - this vein of fairness is concerned, since
neither Austin nor Triple H will be here tonight, then...odda no, I've gone
to great expense for you, and I've allowed both individuals to join us here
tonight via special electronic, via special satellite television hookup,
they can actually speak to us. However, I'm disappointed because I've been
told only one of the two individuals took me up on my offer. Joining us
now...good evening, TRIPLE H & STEPHANIE." "Good evening, Vince." "Hi
Daddy!" "Triple H, before you begin, and - in front of all these witnesses
again, I want you to know I did not in any way condone your activity of
last Monday night." "You know Vince, I know you didn't. I mean, and how
could ya? You know, what I did was wrong, Vince, it was a bad
thing....I....I ruined a match, a great match, with two great athletes - I
ruined that match for all the fans of the World Wrestling Federation, and
at the same time I cost Stone Cold Steve Austin the one thing he holds
dearest in his heart, the World Wrestling Federation championship. And you
know...I wish I could, I wish I could change it, I, I wish I could go back
- naw, you know what? Truth be told, I wouldn't change a damn thing.
Austin...just when you thought I was gone...just when you thought your
problems have disappeared...I'M BACK. And I'm back, and I'm badder than
ever. Austin, just when you thought all that hard work...that one year you
spent rehabbing, training - all that blood, sweat and tears - all that
emotion - all that pain - just when you thought it was all gonna come
together - just when you thought it was all gonna pay off, and you were
gonna once again become the World Wrestling Federation champion...quicker
than a referee's hand can slap that mat, Austin, I took it all away....I
took it all away. Now Vince, you wanna know when this is gonna end? This
will end when *I* say it will end. This will be over when *I* say it's
over. This will be finished when *I* am happy. You see, and I will be
happy when Stone Cold Steve Austin is sitting on his bed in San Antonio,
Texas - and no, he won't be drinking a beer. No, because the halo he's got
holding his neck in place won't allow his head to bend to take a sip!
Stone Cold Steve Austin will be sitting on his bed and he will be watching
- he will be watching the World Wrestling Federation champion. He will be
watching.....ME. This will be FINISHED when Stone Cold Steve Austin is
*finished*." "Dad...Triple H was completely justified in his actions
against Austin. I mean, did you see what Austin did to me? Austin dumped
beer all over me! And then...Austin ripped my shirt off! In front of
millions of people...Dad, Austin, as far as I'm concerned, got EXACTLY what
he deserved. And Daddy, I know that you're only acting out of the
interests of fairness, but I wanna thank you for giving my husband the
title shot he so richly deserves." "You're right about that, Steph, I - I
certainly am not acting on behalf of my family - it is, it's simply that
this is the fair thing to do." "You're right, Vince....it IS the fair
thing to do. You know, Kurt Angle talks about how he's been the World
Wrestling Federation champion since October. Well, Kurt, let me set one
thing straight for you. You have been, and you still are the World
Wrestling Federation champion because *I* have allowed it. Kurt Angle, you
are still the champion...because, up until now, my attention has been
diverted elsewhere. But Kurt Angle, at the Royal Rumble, you will receive
my un...divided attention, and I will receive the World Wrestling
Federation championship. ANd you know, Vince, I have to hand it to ya -
I've said it before, and I'm gonna say it again...you truly are...a genius.
And I don't say that just because you're my father-in-law - I don't say
that because you're the father of the most beautiful woman on this
planet...I say that, Vince, because of what you did tonight, and that is
not allow myself and Stone Cold to be in that building, because if we were
- if Austin were there and I were there, then I would have finished
him...once and for all."
The Rock is WALKING! *He* knows he doesn't have to arrive until after
seventeen minutes of talking by other folks!
TONIGHT: The #30 position in the Royal Rumble is on the line in a Fatal
4-Way! The Rock, Undertaker, Rikishi and Kane! WHO WILL SURVIVE?
"Save the Last Dance" - UHHHHH make that sound with me UHHHHH - thank GOD
this movie opens tomorrow and we're DONE with these ADS for it
What's this? The Hardy Boyz eat Chef Boyardee overstuffed ravioli? Wait -
the Hardy Boyz SPEAK?!? So who are the jabrones? Slash and Seven maybe?
When we come back, Edge & Christian are WALKING! "Dude, I can't believe
Vince is gonna make Kurt defend his title against Triple H at the Royal
Rumble!" "Yeah, why does Sir Nose-a-lot get a title shot?" "Search me, I
dunno." "You know what, though? Let's go in and cheer the Kurtmeister up.
Whaddaya say?" "I think he needs it." "Yeah - Kurtski!" "Kurt!" "Kurt -
wooo-oo!" "Porkchop!" Well, there are two American flags in the dressing
room....but Angle is noticably absent.
HARDY BOYZ (with Lita & Let Us Take You Back to RAW) and THA 1 BILLY GUNN
(with Tough Enough hype) v. BALD VENIS & WALL BUCHANAN & GOODFATHER (with
Steven Richards & Ivory) - Trish Stratus hosts Heat on Sunday! Jeff starts
with Buchanan - Buchanan gets to pounding, into the ropes but Hardy slides
out - Buchanan out, Hardy in - dropkick between the ropes, and hits a
pescado! Buchanan rolled in, Jeff tags Matt, forearm, into the ropes,
double back elbow, senton/fistdrop combo gets 2 for Matt. Right, right,
1-800-COL-LECT Double Feature of the pescado (slingshot crossbody) as
Buchanan turns it around with a short clothesline of the whip reversal -
tag to Goodfather, into the ropes, double head to the mat, off the rope
with the elbowdrop for 2. Shoved into the corner, whipped to the opposite
corner, elbow up by Matt, second rope clothesline gets 2 for Hardy. Tag to
Jeff - into the opposite corner - Poetry in Motion! Matt with a
clothesline as Gunn heads off Venis with kicks to the gut...unfortunately
ALSO distracting referee "Blind" Tim White enough to completely miss
Buchanan shoving Jeff off the top to the floor! Venis rolls Jeff back in
and Goodfather covers - White out of position....2 count. Tag to Venis,
open kick to the midsection, into the ropes, back elbow, elbowdrop, off the
ropes with the kneedrop. Fluid combo by Venis but only gets 2. Tag to
Buchanan - open kick, right, left, scoop....BIG running powerslam. Poised
and ready for him to get up...but Hardy drops down, avoiding the splash,
and Buchanan only hits turnbuckle! Hardy with a jawbreaker - can he make
the tag? Buchanan tags Venis - HOT TAG to Billy Gunn! Ducks a
clothesline, right for Venis, right, into the ropes, cobra clutch slam!
Oh, they're calling that "the One and Only" now - how like Billy Gunn that
name is, if you catch my drift. Tag to Matt - top rope legdrop (didn't
THAT used to have a Gunn-like name?) finds the mark...but Ivory is on the
apron and White is talking blimp accidents with her. Matt waiting for
Venis to get up so he can hit the Twist of Fate neckbreaker...but Richards
is in - STEVENKICK! Lita has pulled Ivory off the apron by the ankles, but
it's a different picture when White turns around as Venis is covering Matt
- 1, 2, 3! (3:38) RIGHT TO CENSOR (USUALLY) ALWAYS WIN! They drag Venis
out as we check the replay - yep, Hardy with the legdrop, gutshot, turning
for the Twist of Fate but taking the Stevenkick right in the mush.
LILIAN GARCIA stands with Undertaker. "Undertaker, if you win this Fatal
4-Way tonight, you will be #30 in the Rumble, which obviously increases
your chances of winning it!" "(ptui) You come up with that all by
yourself? By winning the Fatal 4-Way tonight, you're right - that makes me
#30 in the Royal. Hey, that greatly increases my chances, because I can
see what everybody else is doin', I can see who's week and I can see who's
strong. Are you a gambler?" "Yeah." "I tell you what - that's my yard
out there, and I'm the big dog that runs that yard. So whether I'm first
or whether I'm thirtieth, I'm gonna run the yard. And at six-foot-ten and
320 pounds, I'd say at the Royal Rumble the safe bet...is on the Deadman."
Lilian makes a face as he takes off.
Gary & Mike is NEXT!
Edge & Christian are totally down with Stacker 2! DUDE!
WHOA - I MUST have the "Malcolm in the Middle" soundtrack! It has Baha
Men! On second thought.....N'WAY
WHOA - I MUST go to Subway, eat a sandwich and instantly drop fifteen
pounds! Wait a minute...
WHOA - I MUST go Greyhound because the creepy dog is IN MY HEAD - on second
thought, perhaps I should stop being so susceptible to these advertisements
Come to think of it, this Arrid ad isn't doing much for me
Neither this Pep Boys ad - hey, I'm cured!
WHOA but this Sportsmart Raiders ad is pretty cool
Maybe I should comment on ALL these ads - hmm, Star Trek airs twice a night
on UPN 44 - I got no beef with that
Central Chevrolet - local car dealership ads suck
Exterior of the Oakland Arena marquee - too bad the Golden State Warriors'
slogan is "THUNDER by the bay" since this isn't Thunder - hey, wait! The
ADS are over! Whew!
Hey guess what! There's some NON-XFL FOOTBALL PLAYERS in the front row!
Lawler says them Raiders made bail....somehow
Kane is pacing back and forth - he's in the main event!
TEST TEST THIS IS A TEST (with Heat Hype) v. K-KWIK - Tazz appears on "The
Late, Late Show" TONIGHT! That means we've all missed it already. Oh
well. Doesn't explain why we didn't see him on either show this week...or
does it? By the way, that's a *CBS* show - hmmm. During Kwik's rap, I
could have SWORN I saw the guys in the truck devolve to the old MOM
camera-and-video-switchwork...but they quickly snapped out of it. Kwik
gets (1:03) to rap, and the close captioning guys give up pretty soon after
he starts. "Mr. K-Kwik and I'm about to get rowdy! Let me hear you say
who's the man! Get rowdy! It's the K-Kwik and I'm about to get rowdy.
[ROP -- RAPAPING] K-Kwik top dog Getting Rowdy About to move the thing
Check yourself and realise we all that No doubt about it One of the best
Putting all the knuckle heads to the rest Getting Rowdy!" Ummm....well,
they got maybe a third of it. Also, *I* thought he wanted us to say "move
some things," but that's why I type here and not there. WHO'S THE MAN?
VADER'S THE MAN! Lockup, Test shoves him in the corner, right, right, into
the ropes, clothesline. It's all Test - guess he hates rap. Right hand.
Into the ropes, Kwik flies off with the flying jalapeno. Second rope,
almost trips up trying to do a 180, Gary & Mike is next, dropkick! 1, 2,
Test kicks out with authority. Right, right, signalling to the crowd...but
Test counters the rana attempt with a powerbomb. Head to the buckle. Whip
into the opposite corner, but Kwik gets the elbow up - right, right, jiggy
jiggy, Test ducks the right, hooks the arm and moves to a full nelson slam
- cover...2. Pumphandle...Meltdown doesn't happen as Kwik backs off the
shoulder and shoves him into the corner- spinning heel kick as he comes
out. BOTH men are down. Kwik ducks a clothesline, right, right, right,
snaps off a flying headscissors...for 2. Test reverses a whip into the
corner, Kwik up and over as Test comes in, Kwik backflips but fails to land
on his feet...and ends up running into a big boot. 1, 2, 3. (2:24) Cole
proclaims it "a rookie mistake, a little too much dancing." Kwik back to
his feet...and offering the Hand of Friendship. No, Test wants a high
five. He IS Diesel! Kwik plays Shawn Michaels and slaps the hand. Replay
of the end. Test poses at the top of the ramp....only to fall to WILLIAM
REGAL's run out with a European title WHACK. Regal smiles and waves to our
great amusement after standing over Test's fallen form.
Rock is doing a little pacing of his own - HE'S in the Fatal Four-Way!
"WWF Divas: Postcard from the Caribbean" is the WWF Fanatic Series
presentation for January!
"MTV's Celebrity Deathmatch" debuts on UPN tomorrow! Stone Cold Clay Steve
Austin will be there!
Triple H shills Weider Dynamic Muscle Builder
That's it - I mention NO more ads this break - not even this "Antitrust" ad
Nor this Samsung Uproar MP3 Player/Cellular Phone ad
And DEFINITELY not this 989 Sports NCAA Final Four 2001 for the PlayStation ad!
And I can't think of a way to continue to beat this dead horse for Pep Boys
and Arrid, but it's okay, 'cause I covered them in the LAST ad break
By the way, "Gary & Mike" is NEXT!
In case you've forgotten in the last five seconds, here's ANOTHER "Gary &
And local spots for Ebay & DeVry, and Red Bull - please, let's ALL try to
get over it already
"Courtesy: NBC" HEY! They *did* show footage of the XFL blimp crashing
into that Oakland restaurant! "In the XFL there are no fair catches!"
Speaking of the XFL, six of the SAN FRANCISCO DEMONS CHEERLEADERS are
practicing a routine (because they had nothing better to do at a WWF TV
taping?) - we hear a voice off-camera: "We must be in wrong locker room -
but this is not a bad thing!" Pan left to KAI EN TAI. "Lucky for us,
American women LOVE Japanese men! We are incredibly sexy and smart!"
"InDEED." "They're cute!" "How the heck do they do that?" "Ancient
Chinese secret...although we are not Chinese!" "InDEED." They start
fondling. "Beautiful XFL cheerleaders! Where are your pom poms? You must
show us your pom poms! Show us now! Now!" "Indeed!"
Meanwhile, Rikishi is doing squats - WHY? He's in the huge Fatal 4-Way match!
Meanwhile, JONATHAN COACHMAN stands with KING KURT ANGLE. At the Royal
Rumble, he must face the man that some say *saved* his title...Triple H.
"Who might say that, Coach - you? You know, I resent the fact that people
think Stone Cold Steve Austin had me beat last Monday night. How could you
say that? How DARE you say that? What do you think, I couldn'ta kicked
out of Stone Cold's Stunner? PLEASE. I *had* Austin. But I guess we'll
never know how that match would've ended, now, will we? But I do know one
thing. Triple H...if you need to get to Stone Cold Steve Austin, do it on
your own time, pal. I don't need you coming in and ruining what could have
been the greatest match, one of the greatest matches of my WWF career. I
was set to beat Austin. I was finally going to get the respect that I
deserve from these ungrateful, ignorant fans. But I will say this: Triple
H, you are a great athlete, but when it comes to the Olympic Games of
life...you don't even qualify! You say that I'm the champion because you
allowed me to be? Well, if my memory serves me correctly, were you not in
the Hell in the Cell match at Armageddon? You know, the match that I won,
therefore you lost? Yeah. I thought so. And as far as the Royal Rumble
is concerned, I have no problem facing Hunter at the Rumble...but I do have
a problem with taking on the McMahon family. No offense to Mr. McMahon,
because he's a fair man...but facing his son-in-law, accompanied by his
daughter. Well, those are the chances - those are the odds that I don't
particularly care for. The McMahon family has a habit of getting what they
want - believe me, I know first hand. So with that in mind, since a
McMahon will not be in my corner, I decided to get the next best thing -
the one person whose goal - biggest goal in her life is to manage a
champion. Trish? Coach...I'm gonna do just fine at the Royal
Rumble...it's true....it's true."
Chris Jericho is WALKING!
Meanwhile, Chris Benoit is WALKING!
Meanwhile, Edge & Christian are WALKING!
Meanwhile, the Dudley Boyz are WALKING!
Meanwhile, Scott Putski is WALKING!
Dick Butkus shills the XFL - I heard some CFL-lovers have a problem with
the XFL. BOO HOO HOO
Gary & Mike is still NEXT!
Kurt Angle hits the SmackDown! hotel and plays THQ's "SmackDown! 2: Know
Your Role" for the PlayStation
Edge & Christian & Stacker 2 ad #2
You're watching UPN! Where we cram two hours' worth of ads into 90 minutes!
The WWF Slam of the Week, brought to you by 1-800-COL-LECT, is Edge
introducing the Dudley Parents, some wacky photos, and the Dudley Boyz
doing some damage
EDGE & CHRISTIAN and CHRIS BENOIT (with Let Us Take You Back to RAW &
SmackDown! is sponsored by) v. CHRIS THURSDAY JERICHO and DUDLEY BOYZ - Our
tag team champions are waering Raiders jerseys - Edge is Woodson, and
Christian is whoever #96 is - sorry, I'm only a bandwagon Raiders fan.
"Greetings to all of our fans in Oakland! As you all know, it's playoff
time...and just like Edge & Christian (the five-time tag team champions)
are the bad boys of the World Wrestling Federation, the Raiders are SO
TOTALLY the bad boys of the NFL." "And this Sunday, over at the
Colesium..." he removes his jersey to reveal a Ravens T-shirt... "they're
gonna get totally curbstopped by tghe Baltimore Ravens! So, for the
benefit of those with flash photograpy, we call this pose 'On Any Given
Sunday.' Edge makes like wall - Christian gets the three-point stance and
runs at him...but headbutts the belt and collapses to the mat. Edge points
at him. This is your pose. As Benoit hits the ring, let's take a RAW
replay of Jericho pinning Benoit in Monday's six-man. WWF SmackDown! is
brought to you by Stacker 2, THQ's "WWF SmackDown! 2: Know Your Role," and
Greyhound! Jericho's got a mic as well. "You know, Benoit, ever since I
was a little tiny Y2J, I wanted to be the intercontinental champion, and
you know what? I've done that twice, but when I see you wearin' that title
around your waist, I wanna go for number three. And since I already beat
your gap-toothed (beep) ... last Monday on RAW, at the Royal Rumble I want
a title shot!" Benoit gets a mic to respond. "You know Jericho, we've
wrestled each other around the world, and I have beaten, and beaten, and
beaten, and beaten you every single time. So I'll accept your challenge.
Hell, I'll give you any kinda match you want. If you think that you're
gonna climb the ladder to the top of the WWF at my expense, ho ho ho, well,
you've got more ignorance in you than the rest of these Jerichoholics put
together. You don't believe me? PROVE ME WRONG." "Well, when you put it
that way all I can say is...WOULD YOU PLEASE SHUT THE HELL UP. You know,
you did give me a good idea though, junior, when you said I could have any
type of match I wanted, and you know, I think I *will* use you to climb my
way to the top. Because at Royal Rumble, you and I are gonna face each
other for that intercontinental championship in...A LADDER MATCH. So at
the Rumble, it's time for lucky number three, and tonight, it's time for
three....D." Storm the ring! The Pier Six Brawl is on - the Chrisses
pair, Buh Buh Ray gets Christian and D-Von gets Edge. Referee "Blind" Tim
White has great difficulty restoring order even AFTER the Dudleyz manage to
move Edge & Christian to the outside. Inside, Benoit is all over Jericho
with kicks and punches. Chop, chop, kick, kick, whip into the opposite
corner sternum first, forearm to the back. Going for a death suplex, but
Jericho flips out, spins round and hits a double leg - before he can lock
in the Walls, Edge & Christian makes the save - it's a Pier Six one more
time, but before we can get things back to par, the glass breaks and STEP
OFF runs out with a chair - Benoit ducks a WHACK, but Buh Buh Ray doesn't -
neither does Edge - shot for D-Von - no favourites for the Rattlesnake as
the ring empties. Austin grabs the chair....and a mic. Hmmm. Guess it's
(No contest 0:49) All that wrestling takes up PRECIOUS TALKING time, you
know. Quick swig of beer and now it's chattin' time. "Vince McMahon, you
got about three seconds to bring your little carcass out here right now!
1...2...3..." "No Chance in Hell" is up and BILLIONAIRE VINCE is out.
(Spot the edit) "That's far enough - stop right there. Stop right there.
You take another step forward, I'll split your skull wide open." Vince
decides to walk back. "Nuuuhhhuhuhuht! You ever turn your back on me
again, I'll split your skull wide open. All you gotta do is stand there,
look like a jackass and listen to Stone Cold Steve Austin. I didn't come
out here to whine and cry about gettin' screwed by Triple H in my title
shot. But you wanna come out here and you say 'cool off, Stone Cold. Stay
away, Stone Cold,' hell Vince, you know better than anybody in the WWF,
nobody tells Stone Cold Steve Austin what to do. Basically, I gotcha out
here, all ya gotta do is answer one question for me, and that is - is Stone
Cold Steve Austin in the Royal Rumble?" "Aww Stin!" "In case ya didn't
hear me, I said answer my question. Is Stone Cold Steve Austin in the
Royal Rumble?" "Yer in." "Yer damn right - that's all I needed from ya.
So what you need to do, turn your little mealy-mouth around, go to the back
and you tell the 29 other WWF superstars that Stone Cold Steve Austin is
highly (beep) off. I am gonna raise more hell in that Royal Rumble than
anybody's ever seen in their life. As far as Triple H is concerned, it's
real easy - it's real easy to sit there on a TV set two thousand miles away
and talk a buncha trash. So as far as you sayin' it ain't over 'til you
say it's over, it ain't over 'til Stone Cold Steve Austin is sittin' at the
house - EH EH - I will deal with your sick ass, and I will settle the score
after I win the Royal Rumble, and that's the bottom line...'cause Stone
Cold said so." Beer him! Is it just me or did Austin just predict that
Triple H would come out of Rumble Royale with the title? ("Maybe he's just
saying he's gonna pick off Triple H in the PPV *between* the Rumble and
WrestleMania. Kill some time by killing Triple H.") Oh yeah...I didn't
think about that. Hey, did you mellow out this week? ("Yeah, seeing it
live worked wonders on my jaded cynicism.") Too bad you couldn't get some
of your friends to do that.
Hardy Boyz eat another can of ravioli - aren't they full yet?
Triple H shills Weider one more time - isn't he juiced yet?
Dudley Boyz shill THQ's "No Mercy" - JESUS
Gary & Mike is next, too - What's that thing Cole always says? "Stop the
Speaking of him, your hosts are a pair of kings - MICHAEL KING COLE & JERRY
LAWLER. Visit WWF.com or MTV.com to apply for "Tough Enough!" Oh, you
gotta pay your own way, be filmed 24 hours a day, pretend you're on "the
Real World" and I *believe* you won't make enough to eat out of the deal,
but hey - for some people, just being on TV is enough.
Moments Ago - hey, it's only a 90 minute show - that's why we don't get one
of these until 70 minutes in
Meanwhile, Vince is WALKING! He goes into his dressing room....where Trish
Stratus is sitting on the sofa (!) "Can you believe this night. Can you
believe this night? I mean, first of all, Austin shows up here - he defies
me! He shows up here - I had no choice but to put the man in the Royal
Rumble! And Trish....you. Wh-wh-what are you doing? Volunteering your
services to be in Kurt Angle's corner, what are you doing, Trish?" Trish
uncrosses her legs on the way to a slow-motion standing up. "You know,
you're right. I wasn't thinking. I'm sorry - I - I wouldn't do *anything*
to make you unhappy or displease you." "Well, it's just that...." Vince
goes into Barry White growl. "...you have to understand, I mean...it's my
job to protect everyone here, and I..." Trish puts his hands in hers. "I
know that, and I appreciate that! Listen, I'm so sorry. You know what?
I've been bad - I've been horrible." "Well, I don't know if I'd say---"
"Oh, I'd said I've been bad - I've been very bad. I have been so, so bad -
in fact, I think that I've been so bad...that I deserve a spanking." Trish
bends over - it's almost like she's aware that the cameraman's right in
front of her cleavage! "Oh, uh...come to think of it....you HAVE been a -
a very bad girl." Trish closes the door in front of the cameraman and we
linger on the MR. McMAHON faceplate while Lawler orgasms with "SPANKER!
SPANKER! SPANKER!" I have a feeling HE'S spankin'er. Damn, King, this is
a TV-PG show!
KANE (with 1-800-COL-LECT presents the Royal Rumble...live in ten days!) v.
RIKASHMONEY (with Gary & Mike ad #11714289) v. AD BREAK - I'm not sure, but
I *think* the lyrics to Rikishi's theme go "I'm a bad man / With a big ass"
Kane kicks at Rikishi every time he tries to enter the ring, so Rikishi
decides to chill out on the outside, since referee "Blind" Earl Hebner
ain't doin' anything to help.
I GET LETTERS: Ben Arp was on site: Chimel and a "road crew guy in
black WWF t-shirt" moved the one set of UNFORGIVING STEEL steps furthest
from the stage during the "ad break" before the McMahon/Stratus segment
and two other "road crew guys in black WWF t-shirts" moved the other set
of UNFORGIVING STEEL steps a few minutes after the first set was shifted.
I almost didn't catch it because I think it was right around the time a
bunch of Raiders fans started throwing popcorn and beer at some Niners
fans a section over from me. But, alas, it is now no longer a mystery.
I don't know, Ben. In some ways...it may ALWAYS be a mystery.
"Gary & Mike" is next! May this be the LAST time I hear him ask "Whatcha
doin' - poopin'?"
Edge & Christian & Stacker 2 ad #3
You're watching a lot of ads between segments of SmackDown! And, believe
it or not, Gary & Mike are NEXT! ONLY ON UPN
KANE v. RIKASHMONEY v. ROLLIN' ROLLIN' ROLLIN' ROLLIN' v. IF YA SMELLLLLLLL
(with Closing Credits) in a Fatal 4-Way for #30 in the Royal Rumble - As
Taker drives around the ring, Rikishi *finally* gets in and he and Kane get
to trading right hands. Taker hits the ring and goes to work on Kane -
into the ropes, big boot. Soupbone for Rikishi, Rock's music hits and here
he is. Back elbow for Rikishi by Taker, back elbow, Rock hits the ring but
he's ready for him - block, soupbone, right by Rock, soupbone, soupbone,
knee, soupbone, choke...Kane from behind to break it up. Right puts
Undertaker on the outside. Right for Rock, right, right. Undertaker and
Rikishi tango on the outside. Kick by Kane, right, back elbow, right,
right, Undertaker throwing soupbones as they make their way close to the
commentary table. Rock blocks, right, right, right, right, off the
ropes...Kane puts him up on his shoulder...but Rock slides behind, ducks a
clothesline, gutshot, DDT! Quickly on top - 1, 2, Kane kicks out. Rock
off the ropes...into a big boot. Uppercut puts Rock on the outside - and
that would eliminate him in the Royal Rumble! Rikishi in with a surprise
RIKISHIKICK! Undertaker behind - soupbone, into the ropes is reversed,
Undertaker ducks and flies with a clothesline. Kane outside to meet Rock.
Arm wringer, "old school!" ropewalk and top-rope elbow to the elbow.
Piefaced in the corner, back elbow, soupbone, meanwhile outside Rock blocks
a STEEL steps shot (HEY! How did those steps get back in the corner?) and
puts Kane's head there instead. Rikishi sneaks a right hand underneath a
soupbone and gains the advantage. BELLY-to-belly suplex! 1, 2, Rock drops
a forearm to break it up. Zombie situp! Rock with a right to Rikshi,
right, kick, kick, out of the corner but Rikishi reverses an Irish whip and
Rock falls to a waiting Kane clothesline. All four men in the ring but
only two on their feet - and Rikishi and Kane are having a bit of a
staredown. But instead of going at it, they each turn their back - Kane
stomps on Undertaker while Rikishi hits the drumstick drop on the Rock. 1,
2, Kane pulls off Rikishi. Well, that was a short alliance. Undertaker's
got a gash above his eye. Meanwhile, Kane and Rikishi are trading rights
to no effect, so Undertaker gets between them and throws the soupbone in
both directions. Back elbow for Rikishi, clothelsine puts Kane outside.
That would eliminate him in the Rumble, by the way. Rock over to Rikishi
as Kane ankles Undertaker outside to join him. Rikishi into the ropes, no
reversal, back elbow puts Rock down. Into the corner, follow lariat, Rock
flumps and Rikishi's gonna try that stinkface again...and once again, Rock
lands an uppernut to prevent it. Rikishi needs to start scouting or
something. Runs right into a spinebuster! 1, 2, Undertaker pulls Rock
off. Rock takes umbrage - then grabs his hair to pull him up to the apron
- but Undertaker drops *him* with a hot shot. Undertaker in the ring as
Rikishi goes out - uppercut by Kane. Rock into the ropes, ducks the
clothesline, right, right, right, right, right, NOW KISS THAT RIGHT -
Rikishi with a death suplex on the ramp! Back to the ring - Undertaker
into the ropes - what the hell was that? Apparently Undertaker caught the
Rock Bottom attempt and turned it into a DDT - gotcha. All four men are
down. Guess which ONE gets the chant from the crowd. Undertaker manages
to slowly roll over to the Rock.....1, 2, shoulder up! Undertaker
stirs...he's up and he's bleedin'! We see that Rikishi and Kane are up and
making their way back from the ramp to the ringside floor. Undertaker
stomps on Rock - stomp, stomp, stomp, stomp, standing on the neck - Kane
uppercuts Rikishi - Rikishi uppercuts back - got the bell - DING! Rikishi
back in to pound on Undertaker, into the opposite corner, FAT ASS SPLASH.
Warming it up....but instead of giving the Undertaker the stinkface, he
runs to the opposite corner and gives *Rock* a fat ass splash! But Kane's
back in with a chair - WHACK! And down he goes. I thought Samoans had
hard heads! Kane covers - 1, 2, Undertaker pulls him off - Kane blocks the
soupbone, right, right, into the ropes, Taker ducks...choke...CHOKESLAM!!
1, 2, ROCK pulls him off! Rock with a right for Taker, right, right,
clothesline out of the ring (that would eliminate you in the Rumble) -
waiting for Kane to get up...ROCK BOTTOM! Hooks the leg - 1, 2, Undertaker
pulls HIM out! Soupbone, head to the commentary table. Meanwhile, Rikishi
is over to Kane - standing above - and SQUASH. 1, 2, 3. (8:14)
Undertaker cuts the celebration short by coming back in and meeting him in
the corner - soupbone, left, soupbone, left, soupbone, left, soupbone,
left, soupbone, soupbone, and a CLOTHESLINE that sends Rikishi for his
patented proverbail loop! And now Rock's back in and wanting a few words
with the Deadman. Taker shoves him off. Rock expresses surprise...and
then shoves back. Soupbone, right, soupbone, right, soupbone, right, Taker
ducks a clothesline, choke...Rock kicks him in the nuts! Rock waits for
him to turn around to give him Rock Bottom - NO Kane is up -
ahhhhhhhTHECHOKESLAAAAM! Hey Undertaker, you're my brotha -
ahhhhhTHECHOKESLAAAAAM! Rikishi manages to get up - to take
ahhhhhTHECHOKESLAAAAAM! Kane sets the turnbuckles alight - he may not have
#30, but at the Royal Rumble, Kane's definitely a force to be reckoned with.
Straight into "Gary & Mike." It's a lot like "Shasta McNasty," but in
claymation. So guess what - I skipped it. I mean, at least "The PJ's" had
*Eddie Freakin' Murphy* - what's this one got? AHMET ZAPPA? Passaroonie
there, big man.
Four matches, and one of them a non-starter? I guess it's been too long
and tiring a week for me to complain 'cause I'm not really all that
unhappy. They had to set up the Rumble undercard SOONER or later.
Besides, we're all interested in *WCW* now, right?
AFTER THE FACT: Ajdloc writes: hey chris, just a few interesting notes
and sidenotes from smackdown last night. the power move that prototype
used was the same as last time, i beleive i described it as a tilt a whirl
power slam. not too much else to talk about except that oakland security
is really garbage. as my party and i were exciting, we got crossed up and
actually ended up walking to the football field through the back stage
area, with no security in site. needless to say my buddy and i took a pic
because no one would have ever beleived us without it. anyway, stay up and
peace out. Go Raiders!
Christopher Robin Zimmerman