by Christopher Robin Zimmerman WrestleLine/WrestleManiacs KINGS UPDATE: 56-24 - WE BEAT THE SPURS! WE BEAT THE SPURS! WE WENT INTO THEIR HOUSE AND NEEDED OVERTIME BUT WE - ahh, I shouldn't say "we" - at any rate, the hopes for "best in the west" are still pretty dim but considerably brighter than if the Spurs had won (since it would have been clinched, ha ha) SHARKS UPDATE: they lost to the Blues tonight (3-1) in the first game of the Western Quarters. By this time next week we probably won't have to worry about the Sharks in the playoffs - too bad, 'cause I usually don't start watching hockey until AT LEAST the second round of the playoffs... UPN Thursday - it certainly is TV-PG-DLV - One World Leader Attitude - WWF! LAST MONDAY: Or do they mean Last Monday's Last Thursday/Last Three Months? Meanwhile, Lita is a suckup...and you know what happens to suckups! (They become writers?) Interestingly, we only get *stills* of Austin whacking Lita with a chair - which makes UPN *slightly* better than TNT (not showing Ms. Jones getting a Kanyon cutter EVER)...but not much Close captioned is the show for these Opening Credits MEL PYRO-JAS and we're off and running - coming to you on tape from the SOLD OUT First Union Center in Philadelphia, PA 12.4.1 (taped 10.4) and transmitido en espanol SAP, THIS is WWF SmackDown! on UPN! Your hosts are MICHAEL KING COLE & TAZZZZZZZZZZZZ. Matt Hardy and Lita are resting comfortably after a short hospital stay, we are told... THE NEW MAN & STEPHANIE ONO (with WWF: The Music [Volume 5] CD cover) head to the ring, possibly to talk a bit about the events of Monday last. H needs to walk to the ring slower if he doesn't want to wait for EONS for that one part of the song to arrive so he can hit that apron spit pose. As if this entrance wasn't long ENOUGH, we now get one for STONE COLD STEVE AUSTIN tacked onto the end of it. Well, it's either show this or show some wrestling, I suppose. Austin *still* hits all four corners, although he doesn't raise his arms or show off the title anymore. Check that, we only see three corners scaled by Austin - maybe they edited the last one out or something. "Ass hole" chant is either overdubbed or just your typical Philly crowd. H: "You know, and about a month ago, the World Wrestling Federation was a pretty rosy place, wasn't it? Y' had the Rock as your champion...Jericho your intercontinental champion...Foley was your commissioner (no, that was December - oh well)...and yet here we stand, a few short weeks after WrestleMania. Boy, how things change, huh? Ya see, I listened to the Rock and Stone Cold over here getting ready for WrestleMania, and I heard the Rock talk week after week about how the two most dominant men in the World Wrestling Federation were gonna get it on... ["Rock E!"] But your precious Rock was making a very big mistake, because what you see standing in this ring before you right now is the two most dominant men in the World Wrestling Federation today, in the past, in the future! We will do what we want, and believe me, no one can stop us. We wanted the World Wrestling Federation championship - we TOOK it. We wanted to destory the Rock - we DID it. We wanted the intercontinental championship - we - TOOK it. And when somebody tried to stop us, when somebody dared stand in front of us, you ask the Hardy Boyz what happens when you try to stop us. And if you don't believe the Hardy Boyz...then you ask Lita. Oh, but ya know, that's right. I forgot...everywhere I go, I hear the same thing - airport, on the street, the Internet, the dirt sheets, all the same thing - we went too far. You and I, we crossed the line. It was too much. Too much - we crossed the line. To hell with that! WE will tell YOU when it is too much. WE will tell YOU when we cross the line. It will not be over, it will not be done, it will not be too much until WE say so - until The Game says so - until Stone Cold Steve Austin says so. You are that damn cold, and I am That Damn Good, and together...we sure as hell are that damn unstoppable." Austin beats up the cameraman on his way to another corner pose. "Go ahead and get off your (beep) and give the new WWF champ a Hell Yeah! Let me go ahead and make a long story short just like Triple H said - last two weeks, complete mayhem, the same old mealy-mouthed questions, why, why, why - why'd you do this, why'd you do that? Stone Cold Steve Austin rolled into WrestleMania, and I took that steel chair and I laid into the Rock with everything I had....I said I layed into the Rock with everything I had, I did what I did to the Rock - why, because I wanted to. Why, because there wasn't one single soul back there that could stop Stone Cold Steve Austin. So then we rolled into Oklahoma City - good ol' Jim Ross' home town, and he wants to bring me out In This Very Ring, and say 'why, Stone Cold, why' and I'm SICK o' that. And he's made a living - he's made a damn good livin' riding my coattails, sittin' his fat (beep) at that desk sayin' STONE COLD - STONE COLD - STONE COLD - STONE COLD - WHAM! I layed that fat (beep) out In This Very Ring, and I started beatin' his head in, and that blood started runnin' out of his head, just like that Red River in Oklahoma, and it looked so good to Stone Cold Steve Austin, and why did I do that? I did that because I COULD. Let me say that one time slowly: I did that because I could, and there wasn't nobody around that could stop me! You got the little Hardy Boyz tragedy - that deal, wrong place at the wrong time. Them Hardy Boyz rolled out here, and they couldn't help it. Vince McMahon knows better - you don't put no dumb (beep) broad against the ring and Stone Cold Steve Austin - eh eh! That's something you just don't do. So when I laid into that little Matt Hardy with that chair - beat his little carcass limp because I wanted to - and then I took a little stroll, walked around the ring, and what did I see? His stupid (beep) girlfriend, dumb enough to crawl her little carcass on top of Matt Hardy and say, 'hey, if I lay here, maybe Stone Cold won't beat the livin' hell outta Matt Hardy.' EH EH! Honey, that's where you done figured wrong. And I'll tell you what, Lita - when you laid your little carcass on top of Matt Hardy's little carcass and I looked at you, and I looked at Triple H, and I looked back down at you, and you thought I was gonna have some mercy, and I laid into your little carcass with everything I had and you know what - you know what, Lita? That's the single best feeling I've had running through my system in a long, long time, and if you didn't it again, Stone Cold Steve Austin would do the same damn thing! Why, why, why, because there ain't a single (beep) back there that can stop Stone Cold Steve Austin - there ain't a single man back there that can stop Triple H. Bottom line, if you don't understand what I'm saying, there ain't one (beep) back there that can stop Stone Cold Steve Austin and Triple H and I sit here and look at these jackasses in the crowd - you, it could have been you, it could have been this fat broad right here, it could have been you, it could have been you, it could have been this little buck-toothed son of a (beep) right there, it could have been you, and there ain't nothing you can do about it! It could have been you, it could have been you, it could have been..." Meanwhile, JEFF HARDY is up from behind with a steel chair and takes out Triple H! WHACK for Austin! Stephanie gives him her *devastating* slap...Hardy responds with a Twist of Fate! And just like that, he sprints backstage. Play his music! A stupid way to burn fat is to mess with Kane - not just ONCE, but OVER AND OVER AND OVER, EVERY show - sometimes four times in a show And here he is again - man, if only that dude would buy some Stacker 2 and leave poor Kane be! "Mick Foley: Hard Knocks and Cheap Pops" ad Moments Ago, we get another angle of Jeff Hardy getting some payback - I'll give Stephanie credit; at least she can properly lay out for a neckbreaker - she did the same thing Monday as well. There, I'm not ALWAYS on Stephanie's case. (What, you want to WORK for her or something?) Commissioner Regal reacts with outrage to the view on his monitor - Triple H barges in and demands a match with Jeff Hardy - he doesn't care if the title has to be put on the line, just get it done. Regal says not to worry...he'll take care of it. SPIKE DAMN DUDLEY (with Those Damn Dudleys with Lorillard's Whack of the Night...from RAW, Albert treats Spike like a rag doll and Buh Buh Ray gets a table Baldobomb) v. YAAAAAAAAAAALBERT (with Justin Credible & Justin Otherguy & Heat hype - Albert hosts - wait - ALBERT?!?) - this is supposed to be a singles match but all three Dudleyz await all three members of X Factor in the ring, much to the dismay of referee "Blind" Jimmy Korderas. Finally, we're underway. Elbow tried by Spike, elbow, elbow, Albert mauls him. Back up, elbow, elbow, elbow, uppercut by Albert puts him down again. "You're a runt!" Yaah uppercut. Yaaaaaah beal across the ring. Albert steps on him and walks over. Yaaaaah pulled up by the back of his belt...and dropped. Commentators talking about the Hardyz instead. Yaaah headbutt. truth Double Feature of the belt pull. Into the corner, yaaaaah runs into a headbutt in the gut by Spike. Sunset flip - nope - but he evades the buttdrop. Spike dropkicks the back of the head and climbs up....but Albert hits the ropes to crotch him. Albert on the second rope...but Spike fires back with about six forearms. Albert tries the double choke again, but Spike goes to the eyes and shoves him off the buckle. Yow! Double stomp from the top! PERRO AGUAYO! PERRO AGUAYO! PERRO AGAUYO! ˇˇˇVIVA MEXICO!!! Got carried away - sorry. Looks like Spike's going for the Acid Drop-- (You know, they call it the "Dudley Dawg" now.) Well that's a STUPID name. ("Acid Drop" is better?) Well, hell, it's more of a "Drop" than a "Dawg," wouldn't you say? (Touche.) Credible and X-Pac are on the apron - each man gets a free right! 1, 2, NO!! Right, right, right, off the ropes...but right into the bicycle kick. 1, 2, 3. (2:36) Post-match, the Dudley Boyz hit the ring and double death suplex Albert. "What Are You Doing?" spot. Testify dance. D-Von, let's ignore our injured brother to hit this catchphrase-ble. Buh Buh Ray hammers on Albert while D-Von sets the table up on the floor - but oh no, D-Von gets an X Factor on the floor, THEN X-Pac joins Credible in to hit the double superkick ("X Marks the Spot") YOU are INTERRUPTING my FLOW - the double superkick on Buh Buh Ray. Here's a big pose by our trios heroes. Spike, not knowing better, tries to gets up and try something with Albert...hmmm, the table is precariously close - yep, it's a Baldobomb from the apron to the floor through the table! Hit the Uncle! Replay of Albert screaming. Debra is WALKING! Dave Hebner directs her to JR's dressing room...why does she need to talk to JR? Maybe we'll find out NEXT! "Don't Try This at Home" PSA "WWF: The Music (Volume 5)" ad - get it at Walgreens That girl that steals her father's car to drive to that party and then turns down the smokes - what's in her CUP? It's not ALCOHOL, is it? Ivory will sign at Six Flags Marine World NEXT Friday! Will she be wearing that outfit, though? Commentators shill "Chains of Love" - I can't wait until it premieres because I'll stop seeing all these ads for it! Regal tells Jeffrey that Triple Haitch has demanded a match with him. "Congratulations, sunshine, you've got yourself an intercontinental title match with Triple H - but let me tell you something, young man, and listen VERY very carefully - if you EVER besmirch Stephanie McMahon-Helmsley again, you will NEVER ever get anothe title shot." "What about what Triple H and Austin did to Lita? It's the same thing!" "You will never - You will NEVER get another itle shot again - do you understand me?" "Okay, fine. I might not NEED any more title matches. Tonight, I might just be your new intercontinental champion. Sounds good to me." As Hardy leaves, Big Show hits the office and yells out "Yeah well Jeff Hardy, Triple H is gonna bust you in half like the little puke you are!" Show says that Undertaker and Kane made a fool out of him on Monday - tonight, he wants them on a silver platter. Regal says he'll book a match - Show says no, not a handicap match - he needs some help. "Let me take them out for good!" Regal tells Show he can have any tag team he wants in a 3-on-2. Show likes this idea and leaves. "The door's over there - mind your head - (waits for door to slam) - bugger off!" Backstage, LILIAN GARCIA interviews Crash. "Lilian, ever since I came to the WWF, they've tried to knock me down again and again and again - but I just keep gettin' back up. And now that cousin Hardcore's back, I think the Hollys are up for winning the tag team titles. And Rhyno - he's not even an issue. I don't sweat Rhyno!" and as if on cue, Crash gets gored right into the garage door. Meanwhile, Debra catches up to Jim Ross and tells him she feels really bad for what Austin did - but she wants him to know that she wasn't involved in it. "Oh, Debbie...I know you weren't involved, I know what kind of person you are....and you don't need to come in here and apologise to me, I - I just - I thought I knew the man, and I guess I didn't. I guess after what Steve did to Lita Monday night on RAW, maybe you feel the same way." Debra says she's confused, watching what her husband does-- but Austin enters in mid-sentence and she stops talking. Ross looks in the opposite direction as Austin stares him down. "What are you doin', Jim? HUH? Are you in here flirtin' with my wife now? Get out of my face - get away from me now - GIT!" Austin turns to Debra. "You get your bags, pack 'em, we're leavin' now. Now." Debra makes a face...but takes off. XFL on UPN hype - whew, THIS'LL be over soon, too During the Break, Austin led Debra by the arm as they walked (WALKING!) out of the arena Coming back "live," a trainer is working on Stephanie and her ultra-perm. Her neck hurts AND Jeff Hardy broke her really expensive diamond earring! H promises to dedicate this match with Jeff Hardy to his wife. He'll RUE THE DAY he ever laid a hand on her! "Get him, Hunter. I luv you!" WWF WOMEN'S CHAMPIONSHIP BAZOOKA JO(ANI)E DOT COM (with WWF: The Music [Volume 5] CD cover & Chyna's C9 clothing line hype) v. IVORY (with Steven Richards) - We are told that with Crash out, the tag team title match has been scratched - instead, Edge & Christian will team with Kurt Angle AND Regal against Chris & Chris later tonight. Ivory seems uneasy about this rematch - elbow by Chyna to start, elbow, elbow, elbow, elbow, elbow, elbow, elbow, scoop...and a slam. Shoved into the corner, sat on top, snapmare over the shoulder back into the centre. Shoved into the opposite corner - oh boy, the crappy handspring elbow - but Ivory sidesteps it! Ivory with a bulldog! Drops the elbow! Off the ropes with a legdrop! Leg is hooked - 1, 2, of course not. Off comes the tie! Stomp in the back, snaps the neck, forearm to the back of the head, rear chinlock - I think she's working the neck, Griff. Chyna slowly makes her way back to her feet with Ivory on her shoulders - and tosses her over her shoulders to the mat. Off the ropes - but Richards ankles her, pulls her out and throws a clothesline. Rolled back in for an elbowdrop from Ivory. Ivory posing to the crowd - this may be a bad idea to waste this much time. Cover - 1, 2, kicked out with authority. Ivory to a headlock - Chyna punches out - got her up for the suplex - that's the half hour variety. Scoop...carried across the ring - powerslam - hmm, Chyna *is* the British Bulldog! Short clothesline, clothesline, into the corner, into the opposite corner (Ivory lands hard), scoop....and press...... (Cole reminds us Chyan is "beautiful") ...... ....and drop. Maybe she's the Ultimate Warrior, too! Don't treat her like a woman! Chyna covers - 1, 2, 3. (longest 3:53 in history) Post-match, Chyna catches the Stevenkick attempt, spinaround, gutshot, DDT. Play her music again! Hooray! Backstage, Big Show knocks on the APA door. He needs them to get his back against Undertaker and Kane. Faarooq: "How tall are you?" Bradshaw: "About seven feet." "And how much do you weigh?" "Uh...a little over three tons." "And you want our help? (Laughter) You've got to be kidding!" Show: "You know what, I think the deal is, guys, I think you guys are just plain chicken. Are you guys afraid of Undertaker and Kane, or do you just don't wanna be my partner?" "Well, take your pick." "Whatever." "We're busy." "You're too busy." (together) "See ya." "I tell ya what, next time you guys need a Giant, don't come asking me for any damn favours either." "Thanks for coming, man." "You think he's down to three tons?" "Well, I'd say two and a half." "He's lost weight - he *does* look slimmer..." "WWF: The Music (Volume 5)" ad Bro, Chef Boyardee ravioli is too extreme And now, the WWF Burn of the Week, brought to you by Stacker 2! From RAW, Regal proves an inept referee...which leads to him suffering the Walls of Jericho AND the Crippler crossface at the same time. Chris Jericho addresses Chris Benoit and the TV-PG-DLV ratings box. "You know, there's no doot you're a great wrestler Benoit. You might even BE the best technical wrestler in the WWF, but you're not a rocket scientist - hey, I'm not a rocket scientist either, but it doesn't take one to realise that we've really humiliated the commissioner last Monday night. (Benoit nods) But tonight he's gonna get his revenge, tonight the odds are against us. (Benoit nods) Tonight, we're being set up to be screwed." Benoit ponders. "You wanna know what I think about it?" "Yeah." He smiles. "Let's go with it." Huh? EDGE & CHRISTIAN and KING KURT ANGLE (with WWF: The Music [Volume 5] CD cover & SmackDown! is brought to you by Stacker 2, Lugz, and Chef Boyardee Overstuffed Beef Ravioli!) and COMMISSIONER REGAL (with wwf.com logo) v. CHRIS BENOIT and CHRIS THURSDAY JERICHO - You know, only the really GOOD matches have FIVE entrances. They storm the ring and it's a Pier Six Brawl of a different stripe - amazingly, the two turn the tide on the four - Regal tossed by Benoit, Jericho clotheslines Christian out after his trick knee acts up against Angle - Benoit with a death suplex on Edge - he's going up top for the headbutt...but Jericho wants to hit a Lionsault first! Angle in - Jericho with a right hand...and they go out. After his tussle on the outside with Regal, Benoit goes up for the headbutt again - hits it - 1, 2, Christian saves it. Stomp by Christian, Slop Drop - no, dropped him on his knee between the shoulderblades instead. Stomp, stomp, stomp, stomp, truth Double Feature of the headbutt. Tag to Regal - open kick. Kick by Regal, kick, stomp, stomp, Euro uppercut, kick, tag to Angle. Stomp, stomp, stomp, stomp, stomp, hmm I smell a pattern. Up high for a death suplex. Woooo! Tag to Edge. I wonder if he'll stomp. Kick, kick, kick - oh well. Blatant choke - right, right, right. Turns out Vince isn't here tonight - shock from the divorce request, apparently. Scoop...and a slam. Kick, kick, kick. Tag to Christian - Benoit says "I've sold for all four guys, now I can come back" - chop, kick, right by Christian, Benoit put into the corner, boot up on the charge, chop by Benoit, chop, Christian ducks and tries to put on the Slop Drop - Benoit turns around and suplexes Christian instead. Both men are down - tag to Angle, HOT TAG to Jericho! Clothesline, right for Edge, free shot for Regal, chop for Angle (woooo), chop (woooo), into the ropes is reversed but Jericho comes off with a flying jalapeno - Angle ducks a clothesline, gutshot, going for the Olympic slam but Jericho drops to his knees to block - backslide attempted but Angle counters THAT - double leg takedown by Jericho, Walls of Jericho! Benoit in to block Regal - crossface! Christian in - Jericho drops the Walls and puts CHRISTIAN in it - Benoit breaks his crossface to duck Edge's spear and EDGE gets a crossface! Finally Angle gets a shot in on Jericho - Olympic Slam! 1, 2, 3! (3:28) Wow, BOTH Cole and Tazz referred to it as the Olympic Slam instead of the Angle Slam - maybe there's hope for us after all. Post-match, Benoit gets a taste of beatdown as well. Regal goes for Jericho, but he ducks and gets *Regal* in the Walls of Jericho - Benoit ducks a swing from Angle and puts HIM in the crossface! Angle should just reach for the ropes - oh wait, the match was over a minute ago. Never mind. Christian and Edge on the apron - holds broken and rights put them down. The ring clears of men not named "Chris" or "Jack" and Jericho's music plays as Regal makes a face. Tazz calls the team of Benoit and Jericho "a well-oiled machine" - perhaps that's an unfortunate choice of words. WWF Fanatic Series ad "The Mummy Returns" ad Maybe I should start calling Kane "Scooter" "Kane Items Or Less" is so amusing to me that I'm going to say it EVERY time even though I KNOW you're all tired of reading it Time now for the WWF Boot of the Week, brought to you by Lugz! From RAW, Rhyno gores Crash (again) but Molly is saved from further insult when Hardcore Holly returns In the locker room, Test wishes Jeff Hardy luck, and proclaims his Twist of Fate on Stephanie "sweet - I can't TELL you how many times I've wanted to do that myself!" Are all Canadians misogynists or what? TONIGHT: Triple H takes on Jeff Hardy and the intercontinental championship is on the line! Let Us Take You Back to RAW where Linda said some things, Vince said some things, and I wondered where my FUHFUHWID button went - golly, what's with all the ultrasonic swoopy noises in this music? KOOL MOE DEE (with Let Us Take You Back to Earlier Tonight) v. RHYNO - Right by Holly, right by Rhyno, Rhyno gets to mauling, round and round we go, Holly absorbing, in a corner, right, right, right, right, into the opposite corner is reversed, boot up by Holly, mount, right, right, right, right, reversed, Rhyno right, right, right, right, right, right, right. Both men back up - chop by Rhyno, slap by Holly, Rhyno, Holly, Rhyno, Holly, crowd can't stop woooo'ing. Holly ducks the next one and clotheslines Holly down (not the bionic one), mounts, right, right, right, right. Back up - right by Holly, right, got him draped on top - best crotch kick in the business. Tomahawk in the back, another chop, right, right by Rhyno, right, right, right, kick, right, stomp, kick, off the ropes with a running boot to the head. This ain't pretty, folks - in fact, it may be bowling show ugly. Overhand forearm by Rhyno. And one more. One more forearm - Holly barrels him down, right, right, right, right, standing on the neck - referee "Blind" Jimmy Korderas isn't too happy with all this rulebreaking. Holly back to the corner - right, right, right, right, right, Korderas hooks Holly's arm and pulls him back to centre. Holly runs at Rhyno with a kick, right, right, once again Korderas pulls Holly out - and Rhyno pops out and gores 'em both. Cue the run-in - it's MOLLY HOLLY with a trashcan. WHACK! Once to the head, once to the back. Rhyno gets up - Crash konks him again and Rhyno goes outside. Rhyno up on the aisle and we go straight to replay and post-production overdubs. I wonder how the match ended for the people in the arena. (? we saw 3:17) 11.48-14.35? Show catches up to Grand Master Sexay, shows off his tattoo and asks if he and Blackman will team up with him. "Listen up way high, you need to keep this on the down low, you see I'm the man of the myth, the man to be with, but I got somewhere else to play...today, so...what you need to do is...hit the bricks, trick. Aight?" "So what does that mean...yes?" "That means uh...get to steppin'!" "I'll get to steppin'... I'm gonna step on you in a minute--" Blackman arrives, swinging the 'chuks. "Hi Blackman." "What the hell's going on in here?" "Nothing. What, do you sleep with those damn things?" "(a beat) Sometimes." XFL on NBC hype Here's your nightly look at WWF New York WOW! Triple H is taping up! KEVIN "NAILZ" KELLY stands with Jeff Hardy and asks what his chances are of winning tonight. "Well, being the intercontinental champion would be great...but tonight is about payback. It's about revenge...for my brother Matt, and Lita." Meanwhile, Test checks out the WWF Divas magazine as Buchanan, Goodfather and Venis approach. Buchanan: "Test! Glad we caught up with you. Can we have a couple of words with you?" Goodfather: "Test, we're trying to make a difference - not just in the WWF, but in the world, and that difference starts with us - all of us." Venis: "Test, the world in which we live in is currently being strangled by the weeds of abomination. You, Test, can make a change tonight - a change for the better, for yourself, for the world...by joining us." "REALLY? I can join you guys? Oh man! So I can give up women, I can give up my beliefs, and I can dress...JUST LIKE YOU GUYS! MAN that would be sweet - what are you, out of your minds? Get outta here before someone sees me *talking* to you losers!" "OR, you can face me tonight and show me how deep your convictions really lie." "Yeahahaha, whatever - see you tonight!" Meanwhile, Show is WALKING! He catches up to Kaientai and their interpretor. "Hi guys, what's going on?" Conference. "They say hello." "They say hello? What, you guys don't even speak English yet? Oh my God - okay. I need - these two - to 'tag team' with 'me' in a 'match' 'tonight.' Partners - one two three. Explain." Conference. "Against who?" "Against who, what does it matter against who, it's three - 1, 2, 3 - on twoooo - twoooooo - understando?" Hey, they don't speak SPANISH. Conference. "They - they would be very happy to team with you." "They would be very happy to - that's great - that's good news - great! Good job, guys! Good!" "They say your features remind them of Godzilla." "Godzilla? Oh...Godzilla - okay, in that case, why don't you have these two - I want two egg rolls and a bowl of won ton soup - come on, let's go" He grabs a man in each paw and they all head out together... "Heat" ad "WWF: The Music (Volume 5)" ad Last Saturday, King of the Ring sold out in about four hours - and yet they haven't put Judgement Day tickets on sale yet....eh. Yikes, COMBOS is sponsoring King of the Ring? That's as bad as RC sponsoring Judgment Day! WELL IT'S THE BIG SHOW & KAI EN TAI (with Let Us Take You Back to RAW) v. SCOOTER and TAKER (on His Beautiful Titan Bike) - of course, once the men from Japan find out the identities of their opponents, they get rather.....well, let's say "flighty." Taker refuses to tie it up with Funaki, telling him he's got no beef with him, he wants Show - but Show doesn't tag in. Taker with the big boot, then drags him over to Show. Show decides to drop off the apron and walk around on the floor. "Yeah, I might be big but I'm not stupid!" Taka tries to climb the back from behind and apply a sleeper...Taker walks over to his own corner so Kane can punch Taka in the face and off Taker's back. Kane with a press - TEN reps (count 'em!) - and a drop. Off the ropes..Show with an elbow in the back. Kane turns around and chokes him - Funaki to Kane's back, Kane shoves him off Taka with a dropkick to the knees, Show with a clothesline to take him down - zombie situp - Show brings Sho in the hard way, then takes off. Kane has Funaki in a choke - also catches Taka coming off the top - double chokeslam! Meanwhile, Show, up the aisle, says "Dammit!" Taker encourages Kane to try out the Last Ride - he's got Funaki up..and tosses him over his back. Taker says "no, look, HERE'S how you do it" - gutshot and Last Ride for Michinoku. Show throws an amusing tantrum up on the ramp. Kane *does* give the powerbomb to Funaki, and that's all she wrote. Well, at least we saw Kaientai on SmackDown!, right? (2:54) Jeff Hardy is limbering up - he fights tonight! XFL hype Commentators shill the XFL - hey Michael Cole...STOP THE PAIN TEST TEST THIS IS A TEST (with wwf.com logo) v. BALD VENIS (with Wall Buchanan & Goodfather & Steven Richards) - Gutshot by Test, right, right, right, right, into the ropes, reversal, head down, kick by Test. Test ducks a clothesline, Venis hooks the ropes to avoid the boot, Test off the ropes but Goodfather ankles him up - Test pulls him up but Venis puts a forearm in the back. Overhand forearm, right, stomp, stomp, stomp, then he backs up so referee "Blind" Teddy Long can remind him of the rules - while Goodfather & Buchanan get in their licks. Venis back to Test - head to the buckle, chop, chop, right, right, kick, kick, kick, standing on the neck until Long says that's enough. Nice vertical suplex by Venis. With Test seated, Venis stands behind him, laces the right arm with HIS right arm, then uses his left leg to step over his left arm - then he stretches the pecs AND puts his free elbow into his neck. Remind me to ask Reverend Ray what the heck this thing is called tomorrow. Tazz helpfully offers "beautiful submission hold." Venis pulls back on his head and drives a forearm into the chest before breaking up the hold. Scoop...and a slam. Off the ropes with the kneedrop. Cover, leg is hooked, 1, nope. Into the ropes, reversed, head down by Test, kick by Venis, off the ropes again but Test catches him in a tilt-a-whirl slam for 2. Test with a right, right, into the ropes, baaaaack body drop - Venis begs off...then pulls him through the ropes to the outside. Again distracting the ref - Buchanan with a scissors kick on the floor. Rolled back in to Venis - 1, 2, no!! Venis argues the cadence - then runs into a gutshot...and a Meltdown. Leg is hooked, but Goodfather is up on the apron chatting with Long! Buchanan from behind on Venis - Richards is in - oh no, Test ducks and Buchanan eats the Stevenkick! CAW CAW CAW sneaks in - Evenflow on Richards! Venis kicks Raven out of the ring...scoops up Test, no, Test goes behind, shove into the ropes - Long JUST misses a collision but Goodfather is there to take the shot - Venis bounces back into the Really Big Boot - 1, 2, 3! (Sunnyvale 4:08) Buchanan and Goodfather having a difference of opinion...and now coming to shoves! Richards tries to break it up by asking them to PLEASE look in his eyes - they each throw a right to him! Venis with a double clothesline on Goodfather & Buchanan - but now Richards is on Venis - everybody coming to blows with everybody else...no friends in the Royal Rumble, only enemies - the rest of the REFS are out (how long *is* Earl Hebner's vacation, anyway?) but having little luck getting these four to stop fighting... Hey! Triple H! And he's WALKING! Meanwhile, Jeff Hardy is WALKING! Meanwhile, Joe E. Legend is....oh, wait - he's not - he's been cut "WWF Divas in Hedonism" video ad Here's a look at the Philly skyline - and the exterior of the First Union Center Let Us Take You Back to a Video Package We Saw At The Beginning of the Show WWF INTERCONTINENTAL CHAMPIONSHIP: JEFF HARDY (with Let Us Take You Back to Earlier Tonight) v. THE NEW MAN - H foregoes his usual entrance (since he had it in the first segment) and quickly takes it right to Hardy. Overhand right, right, right, right, in the corner, right, kick, kick, kick, right, right. Bringing him back to the centre - right. Hardy goes to the ropes and H pulls him back AGAIN - and there's a (wait for it) right. Now H tosses Hardy through the ropes to the floor, and goes out afterwards. Stephanie watching in the dressing room. Off the ropes, Hardy ducks the punch, then hits a flying head scissors! Hardy with a dropkick - and another! Gutshot, off the ropes, but H stops HIM with a gutshot - going for the Pedigree but Hardy hits a double leg. Legdrop between the legs (ow), and a seated dropkick to the head - 1, 2, nope. H slumps in the corner - right by Hardy, right, climbing up top for a Ten Punch Count Along...but H shoves him off at 9. H advances on him...Hardy put in the corner, but he stairsteps up and moonsaults off (you should have said "Whispers in the Wind") step off, fruity - 1, 2, NO! Both men up slowly - Hardy off the ropes, but H steps aside and shoves him out. H out after him now - got him by the hair - Hardy blocks the steps shot, gutshot, gutshot, and *H* tastes the steps! Stephanie shows concern - sorta. Hardy tries the barricade run, but H catches him and tries a powerslam. It doesn't work, but they play pretend. Whip into the barricade - is reversed by Hardy! Jeff coming off the apron...AGAIN H catches him - this time the powerslam on the floor actually works. Here's the truth Double Feature, because this move looked much better. H finally gets Hardy into the STEEL steps. Rolled back in under the bottom rope, H slides in after him and tells referee "Blind" Tim White to please, just stop trying to enforce the rules already - Jeff with a gutshot, another, right, left, right, left, right, off the ropes is reversed, Hardy ducks, but H lands the high knee. Cover - no, not a cover - H pops him with 12 or 13 rights from the mount. truth brings you the high knee one more time as H chokes Hardy on the second rope for 4. Right hand in the corner by H - pulling him up for another big right. Standing on the neck for 4. H laying on the trash talk - "you wanna be in the big leagues now?" Hard whip in the corner - H put so much into the whip that even HE fell down. H gives the crowd a "please boo me" look...and they comply. Crowd tries a "Hardy" chant but it doesn't catch fire. Into the ropes - H with a sleeper. NOW the crowd comes alive for Jeff - Jeff manages a sitout jawbreaker to break the sleeper. Hardy up slowly - but H over first - Jeff manages a side Russian legsweep (but Cole says H hit it - oops) and goes out - slowly to the top - but H pulls *White* by his belt into the ropes to crotch him! White takes umbrage, even going so far as to *shove* Triple H...so Triple H shoves HIM into oblivion. H climbs up to the second rope, since Jeff is STILL laid out on the top buckle - but before he can do anything, MATT HARDY runs out to the ring and chairs Triple H! Jeff up - SWANTONBOMB - White wakes up as Hardy hooks the leg - 1, 2, 3!! Ladies and gentlemen, we have a NEW intercontinental champion! (8:06) Hey, I bet NOW I get columns from Sharon AND Rebecca... Stephanie mocks up "shock" for us as the Hardyz quickly make a break for it - H suddenly realises what's happened and starts kicking ropes in outrage. While Cole proclaims this "the upset of the decade," Tazz may have foreshadowed it best as we quickly get to credits and out: "he may be the intercontinental champion tonight, Cole, but Jeff Hardy's career...is...OVER." Christopher Robin Zimmerman
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