teaser: If it's SmackDown!, titles must be changing hands...right?
by Christopher Robin Zimmerman
WrestleLine/WrestleManiacs
SHARKS UPDATE: Amazingly they HAVEN'T been eliminated yet - but they're
close. (Blues lead 3-2)
KINGS UPDATE: Of COURSE the Lakers finished first. You know why? I HATE
THE LAKERS. They finish 55-27, one game behind and the third seed in the
west - they face the Suns Sunday and Wednesday before I subject you to
more hype...
UPN - Thursday!
TV-PG-DLV - One World Leader Attitude - WWF!
REMATCH is the title for this set of clips - "Go Read the RAW Report" is
what I like to call it
As the opening credits (close captioned) roll by, a crawl appears at the
top of the KMAX broadcast - "Meet WWF Superstar, 'IVORY' at Marine World,
tomorrow from 1 to 3pm..." - remind me to lecture them on the proper use
of commas
Look! Up in the sky! Coming to you from the Gaylord Entertainment Center
in Nashville, TN 19.4.1 (taped 17.4) Transmitido en espanol SAP and
broadcast on the United Paramount Network, THIS is WWF SmackDown!
COMMISSIONER REGAL gets first ups tonight - he's already booked a table
match between Jericho & Benoit and the Dudley Boyz, what's next? "Hello
to all my good friends in Nashville! Hello! Now, as my first decree this
evening, I would like to have right now In This Very Ring the presence of
the Undertaker and Kane. ... Come on!" "Ass hole!" Looks like we had
to wait for them to set up Kane's wall of flames and cue up Limp Bizkit's
"Rollin'" but here come the FUN BROTHERS in a slow walk down the aisle to
the ring. "Now, I don't know who you two think you are, but I will not
have you coming out as you did on Monday night, in RAW, while Stone Cold
Steve Austin and Triple H were celebrating in the ring. It will not be
tolerated - you should not interfere in people's business! So what I
suggest you do is stay away from Stone Cold Steve Austin and Triple H, as
I'm sure they will stay away from you. Now Kane, seeing as you look ready
for action, I think it is only fair for the people of Nashville to see you
defend, RIGHT NOW, your hardcore title against a man - against a man who
will be accompanied by his good friends, Edge & Christian, at 280
pounds...Rhyno."
WWF HARDCORE CHAMPIONSHIP: RHYNO (with Edge & Christian & referee
"Blind" Jimmy Korderas) v. SCOOTER (with Taker) - Edge and Christian take
turns eating soupbones while Kane throws Rhyno out of the ring. Everybody
outside - Taker tosses Edge and Christian over the barricade and
follows. Back in the ring, Rhyno tries some rights, into the ropes,
reversed, big boot by Kane. Looks like the other three are outta here -
flying clothesline off the top by Kane! Kane motioning for the big choke
- got it - chokeslam! But up from behind are STONE COLD STEVE AUSTIN and
THE NEW MAN - and they've got chairs. He may be a Big Red Machine, but
even HE can't take a solid minute and a half of chairshots. Finally, they
roll him onto his back - BIG chair edge to the sternum by H - twice by
Austin - Austin directs Rhyno to cover him - 1, 2, 3 - ladies and
gentleman, we have a new Hardcore champion. (2:31) Taker is back, too
late. Austin and H back up the ramp, making sure to make gloating
faces. Wow, Rhyno's music sounds a lot like Triple H's music...oh, wait,
that *is* Triple H's music.
Moments Ago - last paragraph - I counted a dozen WHACKS, and a dozen
edges.
During the Break, Kane sold his left arm - commentators speculate that it
may be broken.
RIGHT TO CENSOR DOT COM (with Ivory) v. APA & KAI & TAI (with wwf.com
logo) - Bradshaw will start with Venis as soon as referee "Blind" Teddy
Long can bring about some order - check that, it's Funaki and
Richards. Funaki does the sumo warmup dance, but Richards attacks him in
mid-crane (admittedly, not a traditional sumo move) - right, right, into
the ropes, Funaki ducks the clothesline and hits a flying
headscissors. Tag to Michinoku - did they just mock the RtC
salute? Richards runs at them but they both duck - drop toehold by
Funaki, bow and dropkick to the face by Taka. Richards manages to drive
Michinoku into his corner, though, and a four-way poundin' turns the
corner. Venis in - right, right, right, opposite corner, Michinoku out of
the way, but eats a back elbow coming in. Venis up top quickly -
crossbody ALSO misses - Michinoku comes in...and goes down to a Venis
clothesline. Into the ropes, BIG spinebuster. Venis quickly goes to that
pretzel hold I don't know the name of - Bradshaw boots Venis to break THAT
up. Tag to Goodfather - open kick. Taka put in the corner - kick, right,
right, right, stomp, stomp, Long pulls him off. Back up - BIG hiptoss
out. Death suplex. 1, 2, Faarooq breaks it up. Venis in behind Long's
back - stomp, stomp, stomp. Tag to Buchanan when Long *is* looking - into
the ropes, double back elbow. Short clothesline. Picked back up for
ANOTHER short clothesline. Running stomp. Michinoku sat up top -
Buchanan going to the second rope - but Bardshaw pulls him off before he
can deliver! Buchanan shoves Bradshaw off the apron - Faarooq in from
behind with a forearm - Goodfather up behind HIM - well it's all breaking
down now - Goodfather and Funaki going outside and (go figure) Goodfather
is taking charge - Funaki over the barricade. Bradshaw gets a powerbomb
on Richards, which takes HIM out. Buchanan put into the ropes - doube
spinebuster on him. Taka, STILL sat on top after all this, comes off with
a kneedrop - 1, 2, 3! (4:21) Sake for all! Venis has quite a reaction
to this loss...
Here's a Special Video Look at Tommy Maddox - I've been told he wasn't
good enough to make it in the NFL, but you just tell that to the Los
Angeles Xtreme!
The Fun Brothers are WALKING! Taker says he'll get some revenge for his
brother tonight. He asks the nearby extras which way to the
commissioner's office? Of course, they quickly point in the right
direction out of fear. "Do me a favour - call 911, wouldja?"
Taunting Kane on a Scooter is more stupid than taking Stacker 2 (which is
also pretty stupid)
So's dissin' the man while he's in the "ten items or less" line
Hey! Jakks Pacific "Backstage Mayhem" action figure ads are BACK! And
the Big Boss Man's figure is ALL over them!
When we come back, it's to the locker room we go, where Grand Master Sexay
is admiring his reflection in the European title...which
"Hey homie, why don't you get your paws off my hardware?" "Latino
Heeeeeeat! Wassup? You ain't gotta get all wiggity wack - I wasn't
sweatin' your gold, dawg!" "Dog? What do you mean by dog, ese? Are you
calling me a pooch? Huh? A dog? What, what, are you gonna put a leash
around me, walk me all over the dressing rooms or what, man?" "No, no,
chill out man - you got it all wrong. You ain't gotta get so
hot...tamale." "Hot - tamale? Ohhh - so now I'm a DOG you feed tamales
to. I mean, what are you trying to imply here?" "No, man, no no no, you
got it all the wrong way. What I need to do is I need to take you to the
club and show you some of those hip hop moves - you know, show you some of
that right there, woo hoo, you know, gimme some, gimme some.....gimme
some." "Yeah, all I'm gonna give you is a hip hop all over the
ring." "Oh...in the ring? Okay...in the ring...bling bling." This was
pretty wiggity weak, yo.
Does Shane affix that "WCW 1" license plate himself to every limo he
rents?
Taker demands an explanation from Regal - then decides he'd rather have
Austin and H given to them - and after that, Edge, Christian and
Rhyno. Regal says he's not inclined to grant their request. "Kane, would
you show Mr. Regal what happens when you get upset?" Kane points off
camera and a trashcan starts burning. Regal decides maybe they CAN have a
match with Edge and Christian. Kane also sets a potted plant on fire, and
Regal decides that if they win, they can have Austin and Triple H. Oh, by
the way, that tag team title match will be "no DQ." Taker and Kane
leave...after Kane sets Regal's desk on fire. Wow, I'd almost forgotten
he could do that!
"Please don't burn things at home" PSA
Moments Ago - and the kicker is, *Kane managed to do all this with a
clipped wing*
Your hosts are MICHAEL KING COLE & TAZZZZZZZZZZZZ.
WWF EUROPEAN CHAMPIONSHIP: GRAND MASTER SEXAY (with WWFTooCool.com &
SmackDown! is brought to you by Foot Locker, WWF: The Music [Volume 5] -
get it at Record Town & Camelot, and Chef Boyardee Overstuffed
Ravioli) v. EDDIE GUERRERO (with "WWF: The Music [Volume 5]" CD cover) -
Sexay leads the crowd in a little "American Males," then starts dancing -
probably he *should* be paying attention to his opponent - kick, right,
stomp, right, into the ropes, back elbow, stomp, into the ropes, duck,
Sexay slides under, gutshot, neckbreaker. He's raisin' the roof,
yo! Right, right, into the ropes is reversed, boot up by Sexay, on the
second rope, wiggity wiggity, but Guerrero ducks under. Sexay lands on
his feet - gutshot, DDT, 1, 2, kickout. Guerrero rolls outside to think
about things - but not far enough away - Sexay lands a dropkick through
the ropes. Up the aisle we go - right by Guerrero, right, right, Sexay
comes back with a right and another right - wow, bulldog on the
ramp! Sexay rolls him back in - going up top...but the splash
misses! Guerrero with the double stomp (PERRO AGUAYO!) head to the
buckle, four shoulders in the gut, right hand, out into the other corner -
Sexay stops himself and waits for him to come in...backdrop into snake
eyes! Guerrero catches the kick - and ALSO catches an enzuigiri in the
mush. Sexay puts him in the ropes - big back body drop. Right, right,
poppin' and lockin' right, head to the buckle, into the opposite corner is
reversed, Sexay up and over, waistlock, standing switch, Sexay with a
reverse elbow, going for a figure four but Guerrero kicks him into the
post and rolls him up for 2. Kick by Guerrero - death suplex - Guerrero
going up top...this could be it...nope, Sexay over before he's up - right,
right, right - Guerrero is teetering...Sexay grabs him - SUPERPLEX! Sexay
too slow to make the cover - instead, he spies his goggles - he's going up
again! Guerrero grabs referee "Blind" Tim White's ankle. White struggles
to free himself - and ends up hitting the ropes, crotching Sexay in the
process! Guerrero rolls him up (AND uses the ropes - why not?) to get the
1, 2, 3. (4:38)
Vince McMahon tells Regal he's got some explaining to do to Triple H and
Steve Austin. Regal tells them that they can use the "no DQ" stip to
their advantage. Before he gets into that, Vince tells them some levity
is needed - and asks them to watch what he does with Shane. Boy, talk
about forcing it in there.
"WWF Divas in Hedonism" video ad
"WWF: The Music (Volume 5)" ad
And now, the WWF Boot of the Week, brought to you by Lugz! From
RAW...hmm, this looks more like from WrestleMania, since it's Linda rising
from her chair - and Shane hitting a Van Terminator
LILIAN GARCIA stands with Rhyno, Edge and Christian. "First of all,
Lilian, controvery rules! And Rhyno winning the hardcore championship is
just a sample of things to come, because tonight there is a totally huge
problem, but that problem isn't Edge and Christian's, it's the
Undertaker's and Kane's, because WE are the big game hunters...and if
you're a bettin' man (or woman), bet on Edge and Christian, because it
WILL pay dividends." "And not only are the big game hunters, Lilian, we
are the big game players. You see, we've been up against big obstacles in
the past - maybe not as big as Taker and Kane, but E&C have always walked
out the World Wrestling Federation tag team champions, and besides all
that...we not only have a plan, we not only have THE plan, we have a plan
that REEKS...of awesomeness."
BILLIONAIRE VINCE walks to the ring as we learn that Trish Stratus will
host Heat. "So, this is Southern hospitality? Y'know...you know, it's
not enough - it's not enough that ["ass hole!"] ... you know, it's not
enough that - that my son (Shane) came back to the World Wrestling
Federation and assaulted me, here In This Very Ring. It's not enough that
my son (Shane) flew down to Atlanta, Georgia and literally, right out from
underneath my nose, STOLE WCW from me! It's not even enough that my son
(Shane) at WrestleMania, *flew* from one side of the ring, all the way
over to the other, driving a trashcan to the side of my head! Naw, naw,
hell no, that's not enough! No, it's not enough because you see,
apparently Shane-o Mac is uh, is he stalking me or what's the
story? Apparently showed up on RAW the other night. Well, not enough
that Shane is here tonight, yeah! I saw you, Shane-o, pull up in your big
"WCW #1" limo - yeah, and by the way, just for the record Shane-o, I never
really wanted to buy WCW in the first place. Okay? But apparently,
apparently, Shane-o, you've got something important to say to me, so if
that's the case, I wonder whether or not you've got the guts to come right
out here, In This Very Ring, and confront your father - confront me (Vince
McMahon) face to face - what about it, Shane-o, huh? What about it,
Shane-o? No guts? Huh?" "No Chance in Hell" plays once again and out
comes SHANE-O, with "WCW OWNER SHANE McMAHON WCW.COM" chyron. "Well,
well, well, uh huh. Well let's hear it - what's the big news,
Shane-o?" "Actually, Dad, I came out here to tell you that I'm sorry. I
came out here to apologise to you." "Aha! My son (Shane) apologising,
it's about damn time." "Yeah, apologise - because had I known that
WrestleMania would have been that much fun, I'd'a kicked your (beep) a
long time ago. And you know that little company - you know the one, WCW -
the one you, uh, really never wanted in the first place? (Whatever) Just
to let you know Dad, things are heating up and things are gonna get real
interesting around here - just as things are getting very interesting in
your personal life. You know, you just continue to bury yourself - I
mean, last Monday night, with your little divorce speech, you know who
found that speech very interesting? Mom found that speech VERY
interesting, Dad - and hear me out, so did her attorneys. So basically I
just wanted to come down here and look you eye to eye and tell you that,
as a quote, something from my friend Mick Foley, Dad...Have a Nice
Day." "Whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa...before you go here, Shane-o Mac, I'm
glad you and your mom and her attorney found what I had to say on RAW
interesting and by the way, just for the record, I wasn't talking about
divorce, I was talking about the sacred institution of marriage. Just for
the record. However, I found something very interesting that YOU had to
say last Monday on RAW when apparently you were having a conversation with
one of your pals - let's take a look here, okay?" Let Us Take You Back to
RAW where Big Show and Shane had a conversation. "Yeah, real cool - a
little private conversation with you and the Big Show, and I remind you,
the Big Show is under contract to ME, the World Wrestling Federation. But
nonetheless, rather than have some private conversation, why not bring it
all out in public - yeah - I mean, let's have a public conversation,
Shane-o. You wanna talk to the Big Show, I buzzed him earliery - yeah -
let's hear what you're gonna have to say to the Big Show publicly - come
on down, Show. Come on down, big boy, don't make me have to come back
there, come on down! Show!" WELL IT'S THE BIG SHOW is out and Dieseling
over the top rope to the ring. Handshake and hug for Shane - somewhat
surprise for Vince. "Ah, okay. Just a - an elementary question,
Show. What were you attempting to do by asking Shane to watch your match
last Monday night - you trying to impress Shane? I mean, clearly, Shane
would see you as I do and everybody else does - unbelievable
potential! But clearly, even Shane would have to admit, you are the
single biggest disappointment in the history of this business!" "Hey hey
- just relax a second - just calm down, what do you think you're
saying?" "All right, okay, I get it, I get it - you guys are tight -
that's it. You're right. So, in essence, what we're looking for here is
the Big Show is going to WCW, is that it? Yeah, I think that's what it
is, Shane-o. It's the recruiting going on here behind the scenes, all
right, and you know what? Congratulations. You just got your first WWF
superstar in WCW - congratulations. Oh, and by the way, Big Show,
congratulations to you as well. Because you know, down in WCW with
Shane-o Mac, you know what? You know what's gonna happen? You get down
there, Show - you know, Shane's gonna give you one of those good ol' pep
talks. What? You don't remember? You don't remember Shane-O Mac's pep
talks? Well, maybe - maybe this footage will refresh your memory,
Show! Huh? Remember this?" Let Us Take You Back to Last Year, when
Shane called Show a "pathetic, pea-brained waste of perfectly good oxygen
- an unmotivated slob..." "Oh yeah, uh huh - that was a great pep talk,
your'e gonna get lots of those down in WCW, and then after he gives you
the pep talk, then from there he's gonna play a little game - you remember
the game Shane played with you? Oh, you don't? How 'bout this one - how
'bout this game: 'break the #12 cement block over the Big Show's head?'
(Still from Judgment Day 2K) I'm sure you remember that one. Oh, and if
you don't remember that, let's take a look here at some poetry. Shane's a
poet - you remember this?" Last Year on RAW: "Eeny, meeny, miney mo /
Who's afraid of the Big Bad Show? / Obviously it's not me, so I don't know
/ I guess the only question left to answer would be 'which way did he go?'
... So that was the end of our little dance / As the Big Show took a ride
in the waaaaaambulance." "Yeah! Great catchphrases! Uh huh - I mean,
that's all well and good, but the catchphrases uses from time to time? I
think you'll remember this, too, Show. Take a look." "Which way did he
go, ho ho, ho ho" montage. "So now, that brings us to this moment in time
- which way WILL you go, Show? Will you go with Shane-o Mac to WCW....or
will you remain here, and even though, even though here in the World
Wrestling Federation to this point you've pretty much squandered your
opportunities, all right? It still remains the fact that you have the
potential to be the biggest, meanest, nastiest WWF Champion of ALL
time! That's within you, and you can do that HERE in the World Wrestling
Federation , so....all right Big Show, the moment of decision? Which way
WILL you go?" "What are you trying to pull?" "SHUT UP!" "I'm not trying
to recruit the Big Show--" "SHUT UP I said! So? Make your choice, Big
Show - which way did he go?" Show grabs Vince by the goozle...but it's
all a swerve - SHANE gets ahhhhhhTHECHOKESLAAAAAM. "Yeah WE know which
way he's going, and by the way, at Backlash, Shane McMahon, it's gonna be
you, one on one, the Last Man Standing, you and the Big Show." Play
Show's music! Replay of the chokeslam. Golly, they finally booked a
match for Backlash!
"Kurt Angle: It's True, It's True" WWF Fanatic presentation ad
Jakks Pacific "Backstage Mayhem" ad #2
You're watching WWF SmackDown! on UPN!
Moments Ago, the TV-PG-DLV ratings box and Vince asked Show a question -
and Show used an exclamation point, despite using no words in his answer
DUDLEY BOYZ DOT COM v. CHRIS THURSDAY JERICHO (with the Smack of the Night
- brought to you by Foot Locker - from RAW, Jericho gets a Regal Stretch
and an anklelock - Jericho saves, and does that cool German release suplex
of Angle onto Regal thing) and CHRIS BENOIT in a table match - just before
the opening bell, the music of COMMISSIONER REGAL hits - he is accompanied
by KING KURT ANGLE. "Once again, I grace you wonderful people with my
presence! It is only ten days until Backlash, live on pay-per-view, but
don't think for one moment, Chris Jericho, that you are getting away
lightly - oh no, because you will face me (your commissioner [William
Regal]) in a Duchess of Queensbury rules match - I will explain the rules
in due course. And in addition, Chris Benoit, you will face my good
friend Kurt Angle in a thirty-minute, ultimate submission match. The man
who gets the most submissions within half an hour will be declared the
winner. Now that I have spread such wonderful news to you both, let the
tables match begin! Thank you, thank you." The Dudleyz have no problems
attacking Benoit and Jericho, too busy watching Regal to realise their
backs are turned to their opponents. Angle sticks around to watch. Buh
Buh Ray and Benoit brawl on the outside while we watch D-Von and Jericho -
boot up in the corner by Jericho, but he runs into a powerslam. Into the
ropes, jumpin' back elbow by D-Von. Into the ropes, Jericho hits a flying
jalapeno. Dropkick! Springboard dropkick takes D-Von outside - Buh Buh
Ray in with a Samoan Drop. Benoit in, gutshot, chop, kick, whip into the
corner is reversed, Benoit gets the boot up, Buh Buh Ray ducks the swing
and hits the Buh Buh Bomb. Benoit with a chop, chop, Dudley puts him in
the corner, slams him down - D-Von up top for "What Are You
Doing?" Testify dance. D-Von, let's get this match done. I hope they're
not dumb enough to ONCE AGAIN - well, holy cow, they raise the table and
Jericho's baseball slide sails under them - then they ram Jericho with the
table, taking him down! Golly, they're getting smarter. Crowd chanting
for 3D but it's a double flapjack...but Jericho removes the table just in
time. Jericho with a spinning heel kick for D-Von, but Buh Buh Ray lands
a right. Buh Buh Ray putting Jericho on the table - D-Von going up -
Benoit over to crotch him. Buh Buh Ray on Benoit, Jericho up and shoving
him out. Benoit punching on D-Von as Jericho moves the table closer -
could a double superplex be in the works? Yep, but Buh Buh Ray moves the
table before he comes down. Jericho shoved to the outside. Benoit ducks
a swing and goes for a waistlock - Buh Buh Ray with the standing switch,
Benoit out of the full nelson, forearms in the back - BIG German
suplex...holding on for two...holding on again...going to put him through
the table with the third but D-Von moves the table! Jericho with a
missile dropkick to D-Von! Again the table is set up in the middle of the
ring. D-Von placed on the table - Benoit laying into him as Jericho gets
ready to try a Lionsault from the second rope - but Buh Buh Ray grabs his
ankles and knocks him down. Benoit looking to hit the swandive headbutt
(!) but Angle is down to ringside - D-Von out of the way - Angle shoving
Benoit off the top rope through the table! (4:31) Dudleyz get the
duke. Here's a replay.
Hey look! New Mick Foley Chef Boyardee ad!
You're watching WWF SmackDown! on UPN!
"The Fight Song" Kane & Taker video - okay, it's "Holy Wood" the title of
the CD and not Hollywood Records. Hollywood Records went under, come to
think of it. Either that, or I'm going to try to say something wrong
every time they play this video
TONIGHT: No Disqualification! Edge & Christian take on Undertaker & Kane!
Vince wishes Edge & Christian luck...but something tells him he doesn't
think they'll need it. Returning to his dressing room, Vince joins Triple
H & Steve Austin in a little extemporaneous commentary of Monday's main
event. By the way, they'll be talking about that no-DQ tag team title
match later tonight...
Meanwhile, Molly Holly limbers up. JONATHAN COACHMAN catches up and asks
her what she thinks her chances are against Chyna, coming up next. "Well,
I think my chances are pretty fair. I mean, I may not be as big as Chyna,
but I'm gonna go out there and do my best. You never know, Coach -
(wink) you might be looking at the next women's champion." "Well good
luck! Go get her!" I think he's sweet on her, I do.
Meanwhile, Chyna does some...*creepy* posing before taking off for her
match
Meanwhile, Kevin Kelly's vacant gaze appears to ask "how come Coach gets
to flirt with Molly while I'm waiting for Taker and Kane to fuck me up?"
Let this be the last XFL ad we see tonight (tho' we know it won't be)
"The Mummy Returns" ad
"Backstage Mayhem" ad #3
You're STILL watching WWF SmackDown! on UPN! You can tell when UPN has
nothing to hype, 'cause all these bumpers revert!
Here's a look at the exterior of the GEC - and a lovely marquee.
Hey! JEVON KEARSE is in the front row! And KMAX is reminding us to meet
Ivory at Marine World!
KEVIN "NAILZ" KELLY stands with the Fun Brothers, who aren't much in the
mood for fun. Kane's left elbow is taped. Are they ready for tonight's
match? "Why don't you shut up? I swear, you ask the most stupid-ass
questions I've ever heard. But what I wanna know - who was it that told
Triple H and Austin that beatin' up commentators and women made them
badasses. Do you know? Well I'll tell you what - when we finish with
Edge & Christian, we're gonna take Triple H and Austin, and we're gonna
show 'em what it's like to be a badass. Now Edge & Christian, I know that
you are seven times WWF tag team champions - hell, seven must be their
number, 'cause tonight, for the seventh time...they're gonna lose the WWF
tag team titles. Hell, them boys gonna make a name for themselves, 'cause
tonight...we're gonna make them famous."
WWF WOMEN'S CHAMPIONSHIP: MOLLY HOLLY (with wwf.com logo) v. BAZOOKA
JO(ANI)E DOT COM - Holly ducks a clothesline and hits a waistlock, Chyna
reverses to a hammerlock. Holly switches to a hammerlock, to a side
headlock. Chyna shoves her off, shoulderblock. Holly ready to try
again. Lockup, arm bar, arm wringer, Chyna reverses back, Holly
cartwheels out, to an armwringer, to an armbar, Chyna pushes her to the
ropes - armdrag out. Chyna dares her to bring it - Chyna ducks the
clothesline, gutshot, press...and drop. Holly up in the corner and
wondering what to do next. Here comes Chyna...Holly steps aside, then
bulldogs her out! Cover - Chyna kicks out at 2. Holly quickly up to the
top turnbuckle - plancha lands for 2. Holly off the ropes...but into a
big clothesline from Chyna. Powerbomb coming up. I don't think she's
getting up, Gene. 1, 2, 3. (2:15)
"And remember, don't come out 'til I tell ya - it's gonna be great. We're
gonna teach Chris Benoit all about the three I's." Kurt Angle is
WALKING! But to whom was he TALKING!?
"Mick Foley: Hard Knocks & Cheap Pops" video ad
Let Us Take You Back to the first meeting between the Demons and the
Xtreme. Will the XFL Championship be as exciting as this game? Only if
Brian Bosworth is doing the commentary, JACK
Commentators try very hard to get me interested in the Million Dollar
Game....with any luck, it'll be raining, and raining hard.
TONY CHIMEL announces: "The following is a five minute submission
exhibition!" Here comes KING KURT ANGLE. Let Us Take You Back to Earlier
Tonight, when Angle shoved Benoit through a table while Chioda's back was
turned. As my friends from the DVDVR would say, Angle's got THE
STICK: "People, I've been beating opponents my whole entire life - it's
what I do. As the kids say, it's my 'thang.' And I've defeated many
opponents by pinfall, and it's great, but sometimes it leaves me a little
empty inside, because all I'm basically doing is pinning someone's
shoulders to the mat for the count of three. But when I make someone
submit, when I make him quit, and humiliate him to the point that he says
'please Kurt, please, the pain is insurmountable - I surrender to your
Olympic wrath!' ...there's no better feeling in the world. And that is
why I went to Commissioner Regal and demanded for Backlash, the ultimate
submission match. Thirty minutes of pure torture for Chris Benoit. Oh,
it's true - it's DAMN true. Thirty minutes of teaching Chris Benoit a
little lesson about intensity, integrity, and intelligence. Thirty
minutes that, if one man can make the other man submit, tap out the
most...he wins. And that's why I'm gonna make Chris Benoit squeal OVER
and OVER and OVER again...and I can tell by the cocked heads and the blank
expressions out there that some of you aren't getting this (what a
shocker). So I'll make it simple enough that even you can
understand. Guys, come on out here! Now, these are three young locals,
and they have agreed to face me in a little submission exhibition. And
the rules are simple. I will place myself in the middle of the ring - and
each of these young men will have the opportunity to make me submit. Good
luck, guys! And Chris Benoit, I hope you're watching, because I want you
to multiply this by fifty, and that's what you can look forward to at
Backlash." The OvalTron already has a running clock, but maybe that's a
mistake, since the bell rings now. Here's the first guy - Angle takes him
down and puts on a headlock/armbar combo. The guy quickly
taps. (0:13) Number two runs into a droptoehold - Angle with the front
headlock - and a takedown while in the headlock - HE taps. (0:13) Extra
kick in the gut for the guy. Guy number three goes for a waistlock -
Angle with a fireman's carry takeover and immediately into an armbar
(0:16) He tries again from behind - Angle throws him over his shoulder
and goes to a jujigatame - and gets another one. (0:12) Second guy runs
at him - Angle with a belly-to-belly throw - to a Dragon sleeper AND body
scissors, wow. (0:15) Angle checks on him...helps him up...then kicks in
the back of his leg and applies the anglelock, trying to break his
ankle. (0:23) Referee "Blind" Tim White manages to get him to release,
and he falls out of the ring. Neither of the two men remaining in the
ring wants to try again - Angle actually drops down into the mount and
dares them to come on. Clock on the OvalTron is down to 2:20. #3 takes a
tentative stab at it - but Angle is quickly up, reversing the waistlock
and rolling forward into a toehold takeover, and ANOTHER
anglelock. (0:29) He's a little slowe to let THIS one go. Angle down on
all fours again for the last man - oops, his back is to the ramp, you know
what THAT means. CHRIS BENOIT is out, tossing the last man and crossing
his throat with his thumb. Benoit stands behind Angle, who looks
back...and finds himself in the Crippler crossface! Angle taps (0:25) but
I think Benoit is going to keep this thing on for the reaminder of the
five minutes. FINALLY Benoit releases. Play his music! If I may channel
Jim Ross for a moment...I don't know about you, but I'm looking forward to
this match.
Edge, Christian and Rhyno are WALKING!
Meanwhile, the Fun Brothers are WALKING!
Meanwhile, Austin and H are WATCHING! Wait, they're up...and they're
leaving their belts behind...
WWF Backstage Mayhem ad #4
You're watching WWF SmackDown! on UPN!
And now, the Blast of the Night, sponsored by the JVC GigaTube! Earlier
Tonight, Kane chokeslammed Rhyno - but ended up losing the hardcore
championship, thanks to Austin and Triple H.
WWF TAG TEAM CHAMPIONSHIP: EDGE & CHRISTIAN (with Rhyno) v. SCOOTER and
TAKER (on His Beautiful Titan Bike) with no disqualification - Kane only
summons his flames with the right hand, 'cause he's SELLING, yo. The
champs are at least wise enough to tripleteam Kane while Taker drives
around the ring - Taker quickly parks and hits the ring and before you
know it, the ring is cleared of men except for Kane and
Christian. Sidewalk slam by Kane. Clotheslien (with the good arm) -
Christian ducks a clothesline and tries to grab the left arm but Kane
swipes him away. In the corner, right, right, right, right. Maybe they
shoulda gone for the RIGHT arm. Standing on the throat. Pikcing him up
with one hand - Christian ducks, switches, right, right, right, right,
climbing to the second rope - Kane shoves him off, free shove for Edge -
picking up Christian on his shoulder - one-armed powerslam! One arm
brings Edge in from the apron - big boot - off the ropes - Rhyno gets a
forearm in the back, distracting him - but he regains his senses fast
enough to dump an oncoming Christian to the outside. Taker is waiting,
popping Christian with a soupbone. Kane ready to chokeslam Christian, but
Rhyno is in with the gore to Kane! Meanwhile, Taker drops Christian onto
the commentary table. Edge stomps on Kane's left shoulder and
elbow. Hammerlock, and punching and kneeing the elbow. Kane kicks Edge
away and reaches for the tag...but Edge heads him off. If it's no DQ, why
doesn't he just come in? Right by Edge to the shoulder, right, arm
wringer - Kane to the hair and battling back - Taker riles up the crowd -
right by Kane, right, kick by Edge, armbar takedown - leg is hooked, Taker
breaks it at 1. Referee "Blind" Earl Hebner attempts to remind Taker that
there are rules here, but Taker lunges at him, almost completely knocking
him over in the process. Meanwhile, Christian is in without a tag -
punching the injured elbow, knee on the elbow and yanking on the arm. Now
to a short-arm scissors. Kane rolls backwards to relieve the pressure -
getting to his feet - actually picking up Christian by his injured
arm...and taking him ALL the way over and onto his back with a slam! Kane
makes the slow crawl to the corner as the crowd goes wild - HOT TAG! But
are you kidding me? Hebner didn't see it. Behind his back, Edge and
Christian pull him back to their corner - now Edge gets to stompin' - 1,
2, nope. Got Kane by the hair - but Kane fires back. Right, right, right
by Edge, by Kane, by Edge, by Kane, Edge muscles him into the corner -
whip out - no, Kane holds on and reverses him back to the corner! One
armed death suplex! Christian in - Kane clotheslines *him* down! Taker
pounds on the corner - Edge over to try to stop Kane, but he uppercuts him
- and makes the tag! Soupbone for Edge! Soupbone for
Christian! Soupbone for Edge! Christian put into the ropes, BIG back
body drop, soupbone for Edge, Christian put in the corner, soupbone left
soupbone left soupbone left soupbone left soupbone left soupbone left
SOUPBONE, Edge comes in - Taker puts HIM in the corner (stinkfacing
Christian in the process) - soupbone left soupbone left, soupbone,
soupbone, soupbone, into the opposite corner, follow lariat, lariat in the
opposite corner for Christian, clothesline puts Edge out of the ring -
choke for Christian...but Rhyno is back in with a chairshot to Taker's
back! Christian covers - 1, 2, NO! Rhyno in - right, right, right,
right, right, right, right, Kane up from behind, right, right, right,
choke...but Rhyno hits the injured arm and he releases. Clothesline puts
him on the floor but he lands on his feet! Rhyno out after him...Kane
gets up the big boot on the ramp! Meanwhile, Edge and Christian are
stomping away on Taker in the ring. Kane with a chokeslam on the
ramp! And now STONE COLD STEVE AUSTIN and THE NEW MAN are out to
doubleteam Kane. Edge and Christian, meanwhile, have grabbed two chairs -
but he ducks the shot - soupbone for Edge, gutshot and Last Ride for
Christian - 1, 2, 3!!! Ladies and gentlemen, we have NEW tag team
champions! (8:14) Austin and H are quickly in on Taker - Austin removes
his belt...but doesn't get a chance to use it as Kane is using his
remaining good arm to swing a chair. H and Austin head up the ramp as
Austin's music plays...and for the second time this week, another uneasy
staredown closes our show.
Christopher Robin Zimmerman
www.CRZ.net