by Christopher Robin Zimmerman WrestleLine/WrestleManiacs I GET LETTERS: From YANKJ1: I really do not like your raw reviews at all. I started reading them just a week ago, because of the tragedy that happened at IGN Wrestling. I don't think any of your jokes are funny, and I really don't care that you saw a Jack In The Box commercial. You also stated that you have not seen the WWF hyping upcoming shows in Years? Well, that's funny because every weekend on Superstars and LiveWire they show that same exact thing. If you could take a lesson from how IGN Wrestling used to review WWF shows. I urge you - please find another RAW recap *immediately*. You will NEVER be happy with me. By the way, "If you could take a lesson from how IGN Wrestling used to review WWF shows" is a sentence fragment. Say, were you related to Blake Norton somehow? Ah ha ha. QUOTE OF THE WEEK: Every time there's no news out there, the internet turns and eats its own like sharks fighting over chum. - Lewis Smith KINGS UPDATE: Well, they beat the Suns by 26 yesterday. I wonder which Kings team will show up on Sunday? (Also, I wonder if they can put it out of reach before Backlash starts - probably not) UPN - Thursday! TV-PG-DLV - One World Leader Attitude - WWF! Opening Credits CRANK IT UP - coming to you for the second time this week from the Pepsi Place in Denver, CO 26.4.1 (taped 24.4) and transmitido en espanol SAP - time to find out who had the right spoilers, for THIS is WWF SMACKDOWN! COMMISSIONER REGAL and KING KURT ANGLE v. CHRIS BENOIT (with Let Us Take You Back to RAW) and CHRIS THURSDAY JERICHO (with Let Us Take You Back to the photo of Duchess Regal) - Well now, this is an interesting way to kick it off. Regal: "Hullo to all my friends in Denver - hullo! Now, the following tag team match will be fought under the very prestigious Duchess of Queensbury tag team rules match. Thank you." Angle *also* carries a mic. "Your Olympic Hero would like to apologise for my comments last Monday night on RAW. I've said that Chris Benoit would go down faster than Terrell Davis on opening day - I...I know. I apologise! What I meant to say is this Sunday at Backlash, in our thirty minute ultimate submission match, Chris Benoit is gonna go down faster than the Colorado Avalance in the NHL Playoffs. It's true, it's damn true!" Pier four brawl to start - Regal is tossed, and Benoit and Jericho doubleteam Angle - Regal back in, they doubleteam *Regal* - Angle tries to come in from behind, but he misses everybody but his partner. Benoit tries a waistlock on Angle, but he drops down and rolls over with a drop toehold - going quickly to the anklelock, but Jericho dropkicks Angle to break it. Forearm by Regal on Jericho, going for the Stretch - Benoit breaks THAT up. Benoit with a kick on Regal - single leg by Regal, knucklelock - Benoit kips up, holding the knucklelock - Regal drops down with a monkey flip and somersaults back over him - Benoit floats up as well - Regal breaks the knucklelock with a kick - arm wringer - trying a whip but Benoit holds on and switches the armbar, quickly to a full nelson - and dragon suplex! This was how he won on Monday as Benoit goes to the crossface...but this time, Angle makes the save with a stomp. Benoit forearms Angle in the back to put him outside. Head to the buckle, tag to Jericho. Chop, chop, into the ropes, back elbow - Angle made the blind tag - Jericho hiptosses him ONTO Regal (ouch). Chop, into the ropes is reversed, Jericho ducks, ducks again, crossbody gets 2 for Jericho. Euro elbow by Jericho, whip is reversed, Angle takes Jericho over the top rope but he lands on the apron - Jericho quickly scales the turnbuckles and unloads a Bionic elbow off the top! Angle is looking for the tag, but Benoit isn't his partner - he backs into a big chop from Jericho. Into the ropes, Angle ducks under and hits the waistlock...but Jericho drops down with a victory roll and stands up to try the Walls of Jericho! Regal won't let that happen - he eats a forearm, and Angle gets a clothesline. Tag to Benoit. BIG chop on Angle, chop, Angle to the eyes. Whip is reversed, Benoit with a knee in the gut that flips Angle. Chop. Into the corner sternum first - German suplex. Regal runs the apron, drawing Jericho out - of course, referee "Blind" Jack Down immediately works on putting *Jericho* back - and Regal comes in to prevent a second German suplex. Word on the street is "Angle sucks." Forearm to the back of Benoit's head - tag to Regal. Two forearms in the back, left knee, right knee, both knee. Regal waves to the crowd. Benoit put into the ropes, big back elbow. Tag to Angle, and Regal draws Jericho in illegally for good measure as well. Angle gets to stomping. Nice snap suplex. Cover - 2. Benoit muscles him to the corner - but that's the wrong corner. Regal gets the tag. Big forearm in the back. Euro uppercut. Whip into the corner is reversed - Regal stops himself in the corner but they collide when Regal comes out. Both men want the tag - and both men get it. Big forearm by Jericho - another - free shot for Regal and a bulldog for Angle! Chop! Into the ropes is reversed, but Jericho gets the boot up - second rope - dropkick! 1, 2, Regal coming in so Jericho lifts up - Regal's elbow hits Angle! Jericho dropkicks Regal outside - Angle put into the ropes, reversed, head down, kick by Jericho - running at Angle, but he drops down and hot shots Jericho - with a double whiplash as Regal was helping to lower the top rope before snapping it back on Jericho's neck. That gets a truth Double Feature. Tag to Regal, open kick. "Y2J" chant. Into the ropes, Jericho ducks, drops down to roll up Regal - 1, 2, no! Regal back up with a SWEET dropkick. Tag to Angle - stomp. Stomp, stomp, stomp - Angle badmouthing Benoit while taking it to Jericho - choke on the second rope. "Angle sucks" chant once again. Death suplex coming up. Leg is hooked - 1, 2, Jericho kicks out. Angle goes to the headlock. Dueling "Angle sux" and "Y2J" chants. Jericho manages a jawbreaker counter and starts the slow crawl to Benoit - Regal gets the first tag, though, and gives Benoit a forearm to keep him away from his partner. Regal with a single leg takedown on Jericho - going for the Stretch - check that - it's a surfboard! Regal isn't leaning back on his own back, but that STILL looks pretty painful. Benoit says "heck with this," comes in and kicks Regal to break it up. Angle gets the tag. Straight right hand. Hey, that's not - or is it? We *still* don't really know what these rules entail, do we. Angle with a stomp - another stomp. Right hand. Right, right, right, kick, kick, kick, stomp stomp stomp stomp stomp. Doan tells him to get off the ropes already. Whip - Jericho ducks the clothesline, and comes back with the flying jalapeno! Will he make the tag? Angle has the leg - but Jericho uncorks an enzuigiri and makes the HOT TAG! Clothesline for Angle, clothesline for Regal, kick for Angle, into the ropes, overhead belly-to-belly suplex! Ducks a clothesline, gutshot, DDT! Elbow for Regal - Benoit climbs the corner - swandive headbutt - 1, 2, Regal is in to break it up!! UNION JACK!! 1, 2, Jericho BARELY saves! Cole actually questions whether Regal was the legal man or not - yikes. Fireman's carry takedown by Jericho - LIONSAULT - Angle breaks *that* at 2. Knee by Angle - OLYMPIC SLAM! 1, 2, Benoit pulls HIM off - Angle is tossed - and Benoit is out after him. BIG chop. Whip into the STEEL steps is reversed and Benoit's back takes the hit. Inside the ring, Jericho ducks a clothesline, double leg takedown, going once again for the Walls of Jericho...and he'll actually get it this time! But Angle is back in with a forearm to the back. Angle mauls him down - right, right, right, right, Regal with a few stomps. Angle with a death suplex. Jericho's not legal either, right? Here's the Regal Stretch...Angle adds an anklelock as well. Jericho has no chance but to tap (10:53), but Doan appears to have called for a DQ. Regal is out to interrupt TONY CHIMEL's announcement in mid "disqualif--" "No no no, in section 2, paragraph 4 of the Duchess of Queensbury rules, it plainly states that both opponents can apply their submission to their opponent, and there is NO disqualification allowed, so therefore, the winners of this match - William Regal and Your Olympic Hero, Kurt Angle - play my music!" Outside, a black limousine arrives...and the Helmsleys get out. Vince is there for a meet'n'greet - he's got a little business to discuss with Triple H, if Stephanie doesn't mind - Austin is waiting in the office so let's get to WALKING! Woo hoo! "The Fifth Element" on UPN! I can't WAIT to hear how they dub over the naughty words! Here's another look at Denver - and the Pepsi Center Your hosts are MICHAEL KING COLE & TAZZZZZZZZZZ. The graphic don't lie - at Backlash, Triple H & Stone Cold take on Undertaker & Kane with all three titles on the line! Here's a Special Video Look at how Austin won the WWF Championship - with Vince's help - and subsequently joined forces with Triple H the very next night. Various hijinks ensue, culminating in the Undertaker and Kane joining the party. Every chair shot is punctuated with a gunshot. This is a nice package and all, but it sure is looooooooooooooooong - about six and a half, looks like. You know what this package needs? That's right - LIMP BIZKIT Vince, Austin and Triple H react to what they've just watched on the monitor - Vince promises them that tonight will be a night to remember. After speaking with the commissioner, he reveals that some handicap matches have been booked - Kane will take on Edge & Christian, while Undertaker meets three members of Right to Censor, AND if either man interferes in the other's match, then the WWF & IC belts *won't* be on the line on Sunday. Turning to their match tonight... Austin and Triple H balk at having a match tonight, but Vince says they need to be pushed to the limit tonight...to be razor sharp for Sunday. Vince also says he won't tell them who they're facing because he wants them to be ready for anybody. He also asks H to please look after Stephanie (Daddy's Little Girl). Oh, and to Austin - "about your wife (Debra) - my jaw hasn't been the same since she slapped me, so I - could you please control, contain your wife (Debra)?" Austin says no problem, and Vince is off to take care of other business...leaving them to wonder just what's up with their tag team match tonight. When we come back, Vince steps into the Helmsley limousine to leave...and gets a quick handshake and thank you from Steven Richards before riding off. WWF EUROPEAN CHAMPIONSHIP: MATT HARDY (with Jeff Hardy & Lita & wwf.com logo) v. EDDIE GUERRERO (with Superstar Perry Saturn & Nipples & WWF: The Music [Volume 5] CD cover) - Matt's kiss planted on Lita must have had too much tongue - we look at the crowd while it happens. Guerrero drops down to avoid the lockup and hits a waistlock - Hardy fights it and manages a reversal - Guerrero with an armdrag takedown to a headscissors - Hardy kicks out. Everybody back up. Lockup, arm wringer by Guerrero, wrenching it in - Hardy reverses back, Guerrero rolls out - Hardy pulls the hair and flips him over. To the armbar - Guerrero knees out - whip into the corner is reversed. Hardy dares Guerrero to come out of the corner - he does - armdrag by Hardy, armdrag, arm wringer..working the armbar. Wow, this is like old school or somethin' - cool. Guerrero makes it to the corner and referee "Blind" Teddy Long wants the break. Hardy releases the hold, and Guerrero releases his right hand - right, right is blocked by Hardy - right by Hardy, reversing positions in the corner, right, right, right, right, into the opposite corner is reversed - Guerrero pulls him back into a drop toehold - and Hardy hits the bottom turnbuckle facefirst. Guerrero gets to stomping - and then blatantly chokes him. Long pulls him off. truth Double Feature of the drop toehold. Nice suplex by Guerrero. Guerrero out on the apron for the trademark rolling senton - and gets 2. Hardy tries some body shots as Guerrero pulls him up - but Guerrero is in control - elbow - fistdrop to the head - another right. "Eddie sux!" Head to the buckle, right, right, right, shoulder, shoulder, shoulder to the gut, into the opposite corner - Hardy jumps over the oncoming Guerrero and hits the victory roll - for 2! Guerrero clotheslines him down. Standing on the neck and using the ropes as well. Guerrero hits a death suplex. 1, 2, shoulder up. Guerrero to the keylock - Jeff and Lita stoke the crowd and Matt starts to come back - body shots to break the hold - off the ropes - but Guerrero hits a sleeper. Hardy runs Guerrero to the ropes and puts on a sleeper of his own - Guerrero shoves HIM out and tries to put it on again...Hardy turns in and hits a death suplex! Both men are down. Both men up - Hardy with "Iblockyourpunchyoudon'tblockmine," right, discus right, WOW catapult, and Ten Heads to the Buckle. Guerrero is out on his feet, looking for a tag that won't come. Scoop...and a slam by Hardy. NOW THE SHIRT'S OFF SQUEEEEEEEEEAL - second rope - ahhhhhh legdrop. Hardy covers - 1, 2, NO!! That was so close. Tazz says he should have hooked the leg. Right, right, off the ropes...but Hardy sidesteps and shoves him through the ropes to the outside. Guerrero follows. Stomp - head to the buckle is blocked - elbow by Hardy - Guerrero's head hits the steps twice - clothesline - rolled back in. Hardy going up top one more time to finish him - Terri on the apron, drawing over Long while Saturn walks over to Hardy, crotching him on top! Jeff Hardy hits the barricade run clothesline on Saturn!! HE CLOTHELSINED HIM OUT OF HIS NIFTY HAT!!! Guerrero climbing up - textbook Frankensteiner - 1, 2, NO!! Outside the ring, Saturn rams Jeff back first into the STEEL steps - coming at him again but Jeff drops down with a drop toehold to the steps! Terri over to kick Jeff...but Lita ain't havin' none o' that. The chase is on - Terri in the ring - Guerrero and Long working to get her out as Lita decides to climb up a corner. Matt up from behind...and shoving Guerrero into the waiting corner for a scaryrana! Gutshot by Hardy, Twist of Fate! 1, 2, 3!! Ladies and gentlemen, we have a new European champion! (6:20) I dunno - he looks happy to me. Big sloppy kissin' in the ring. Hey what's this, the fourth SmackDown! in a row with a title change? That's a little WEIRD, isn't it? (Isn't it?) BY THE WAY, I have it on good authority that this match was originally booked a little different but they changed it the night of the show. I know this because *the music guy* told me the cue was changed - see, instead of playing *Jeff's* music at the end of the match, as was originally scheduled...he was directed to play *Matt's* instead. Heeeeey - you can't argue with my super top secret source! He's gonna join the booking committee as long as the WWF doesn't find out what a big-time leak he can be! Okay, I'm kidding - my super, top secret source was only Hobbes. But HEY, I hear he's in line for that "make coffee and run the Xerox" position they've been offering on HotJobs! Backlash ad - it's in 3 Days! Do you think Kane even USES Stacker 2? For that matter, does he do a lot of grocery shopping? When UPN says "You can't imagine how it will end," is it wrong of me to think "why are they comparing the Voyager series finale to a WCW pay-per-view?" Also, how many consecutive questions can I ask? Moments Ago, Lita hit that move, Matt hit that move, and so on Edge & Christian visit the commissioner and congratulate him on his victory. Regal wishes them the best of luck in their match with Kane. About that - what's in it for them to participate in this match tonight? What did they have in mind? Christian says he wants gold - more specifically, European gold. "Matt Hardy as European champion - please, that chumpstain? My grandmother's...(spins globe) Luxembourgian - I should be European champion!" Regal says if he gives him a Euro shot, Eddie Guerrero would be in here complaining that HE doesn't have a shot. Christian suggests a Triple Threat match. "Yes, but...what about Raven?" Regal says Raven already has a Euro shot and he can't just take it away. Edge suggests giving Raven a hardcore shot instead - "Raven loves that kinda thing - it's so...Ravenesque!" "Yeah, feed the Rhyno some fresh meat!" Regal says okay, the winner of tonight's Rhyno/Test can take on Raven for the hardcore title, and it'll be a three-way at Backlash for the European title. Now, go get Kane! Meanwhile, Richards addresses his troops. "I have shown you the way, and now I have doubts about each and every one of you?" "You doubt us?" "Enough! I'm tired of the lies and excuses!" "Hey, you don't need to talk to us like that--" "I can talk to him any way I please! You're all either with me, or you're against me! I love you like my own children, and how do you repay me? By constantly letting me down!" "We're getting tired of your attitude lately--" Richards slaps Goodfather! "Mr. Goodfather, Mr. Goodfather - desperate times call for desperate measures! I've spoken to Mr. McMahon, and it seems to me that you cannot get the job done by yourselves...so I have been added to the match tonight with the Undertaker. I will lead by example...and after our victory tonight, we will show everybody we are for real - and it is for our own good!" Meanwhile, Kane is WALKING! Meanwhile, Steve Austin and Triple H and their wives are WATCHING! Austin tells Debra to hotfoot it over and get him a coffee - Triple H asks her to get him one, since she's going out. Stephanie adds an elaborate coffee order of her own. "Are you sure I can't get you anything else?" "No, that's good. Thanks!" Austin: "Hurry back!" WWF: The Music (Volume 5) ad Jakks Pacific Hardcore Ring & Finishing Moves Action Figures ad "The Mummy Returns" ad - it's tough to be the Rock You're watching UPN! Taker and Kane get the Marilyn Manson treatment WWFEDGECHRISTIAN.COM (with SmackDown! is brought to you by "WWF: The Music [Volume 5 - get it at Wherehouse]", Chef Boyardee Overstuffed Ravioli and WWFAuctions.com) v. KANE (with "WWF: The Music [Volume 5]" CD cover) in a handicap match - They try to get the jump on him, but Kane strikes first - right for Christian, right for Edge, right for Christian, right for Edge, clothesline takes Christian out of the ring, clothesline for Edge, death suplex, into the ropes, back body drop, back elbow for Christian as he comes in - Christian grabs the ankle, distracting Kane until Edge can dropkick him in the injured elbow. Kick, kick, kick, kick, every blow to the injured elbow. Tag to Christian, kick, stomp, right, right, right, Kane with a kick, kick, right. Austin, H and Stephanie watch on and provide kibitzing. Right by Christian to the elbow - elbow first into the buckle. Tag to Edge. Edge wraps the arm around the ringpost. Stomp. Arm around the top rope - and Edge wrenches it. Referee "Blind" Mike Chioda isn't having much luck getting this back in the ring. Edge to the short armscissors - Kane trying to keep his knuckles locked to prevent the pressure - but Edge is holding onto that cross armbreaker. Kane to his feet - breaking the hold and applying a leglock of his own (!) - Edge calls for Christian's help - Christian in but Kane gets HIM in a choke! Tazz: "GOOZLE! HE'S GOT A GOOZLE!" Haha, that's awesome. Edge manages to kick the injured elbow to break it up. Christian gets to stomping as well. "Stay on the arm," says Austin. Right hands by Edge, tag. Christian with the pump handle arm wringer on the injured elbow - to an armbar - Kane again uses his free arm to lace the knuckles and diffuse the hold - but Christian moves to a hammerlock. Man, is it "wrestling night" tonight? Kane back to his feet as the crowd comes alive - SAMOAN DROP!! Kane with a right to head off Christian from making the tag. Christian ducks a clothesline, right, right, climbing the second rope and using the top rope to wrap up the injured arm one more time - but Kane shoves him off with his free hand. ONE HANDED sidewalk slam! Right hand for Edge. Kane out on the apron - climbing up top - flying clothesline! Cover - 1, 2, Edge just in to break it up! Into the ropes, double clothesline by Kane! Kane clutches his arm...but manages to raise the big boot for Christian - choke for Edge...but Christian punches the elbow, and Kane drops him instead of hitting the chokeslam. Edge from behind with an elbow - now they're both working on the arm - wrapping it between the top and second ropes. Christian has gone for chairs. CONCHAIRTO on the injured elbow! Chioda calls for the bell (DQ 5:34) but the job is done. Kane slides a chair at Edge, causing him to slip and trip on his way out of the ring. Kane swings the other chair but they're already gone. Christian's music plays - just kidding, they play Edge's music like they always do - and they're up the ramp and out. Replay of the Conchairto. The Helmsleys and Austin react to what they've just seen. "The arm's GOT to be broken now!" GOOD GOD Stephanie can't act. Debra arrives with the coffee. There wasn't any skim milk, so she had to put cream in Stephanie's. She reacts with (I guess it's) horror. Triple H's is perfect - hey, why's HE all Mr. Polite all of a sudden? As for Austin, Debra throws it at him instead. Austin gets bleeped. "You son of a ....what are you DOING? You have me scalded...look at me! Get your ass and go get in the damn TRUCK! Get in the TRUCK! Do not leave until I come gitcha! Son of a..." Chef Boyardee Big Beefaroni ad And now, the WWF Boot of the Week, brought to you by Lugz! From RAW, Shane McMahon interferes in Big Show's match with Test - Big Show may have won, but he had to take a chairshot before and a big boot after to earn it. WWF HARDCORE CHAMPIONSHIP: TEST TEST THIS IS A TEST (with Austin & Triple H with Howard Stern hype - tomorrow, from WWF New York!) v. RHYNO - Kick by Rhyno, right, right, right, off the ropes but Test dumps him to the floor. Test pulls him up - right by Rhyno, right, right, hot shot. Rhyno looking for da plundah. Can in, lid, back in with a...right hand. Well that was pointless to get all the props if all you're gonna do is PUNCH, isn't it? Ahh, setting up a can in the corner. Right, right, right, right, right, stomp, stomp, stomp, "Who's the man?" Crowd: "Blackman!" Into the corner is reversed and Rhyno hits the can with his back. Rhyno manages to duck the Really, Really Big Boot, and Test sidesteps the gore - allowing Rhyno to gore the trashcan in the corner. WHACK with the garbage can lid - but Test only gets 2. Rhyno rolls out - Test after him but Rhyno has the CO2 - fire extinguisher into the gut. Whip into the STEEL steps by Rhyno. Kick in the head. Rhyno has another trashcan lid - WHACK! Test is over the barricade and Rhyno is following. Right by Rhyno, and we're walking. Test with a right, right, Rhyno with a right, and back to the stage we go. Test bounced off a safety rail. Rhyno with a choke. We're behind the Ovaltron now - Test's head to a heavy case. Right hand. Another right. This match has slowed to a crawl, as Meltzer might say. Test with "Iblockyourpunchyoudon'tblockmine," right, right, right, and Rhyno falls into a pyro shopping cart (you tell me). Test takes him for a ride...into the wall of the bleachers! Test rams the cart into Rhyno. Behind the curtain we go - head to a chair. Right by Test. Rhyno fires back - right, rammed into a door - and through we go. Referee "Blind" Jimmy Korderas still following. Test manages the Really, Really Big Boot to a trashcan lid to Rhyno's head - also managing to SPECTACULARLY wipe himself out as his planted foot slips on the concrete floor. He wouldn't have gotten the pin, anyway, as WELL IT'S THE BIG SHOW has entered the picture - forearm to the back, scooped up - head into the garage door. Here's a second one for good measure. The REFS have congregated - I guess Show isn't going for the title as Rhyno covers - 1, 2, 3. (4:56) I'm a LITTLE surprised Show didn't go for the pin, but I guess his mind is on a different track, as he continues to take it to Test - into the cases - and into the dreaded cardboard pallets. We leave this scene for "Don't Try This at Home" PSA - pffft - remember, kids, if you DIE then the WWF won't ever get any more of your MONEY Jakks Pacific ad #2 Commentators shill "Chains of Love" Speaking of which, we cut to the locker room, where Steve Blackman is addressing Grand Master Sexay. "When I agreed to do this Chains of Love show, I was told it'd be with four hot, sexy women - not Humpty Dumpty, Bertha and Isabelle!" We pan back to see Blackman chained to four... zaftig women. Check out the femullet! "Actually, my name is Terry--" "WHO CARES! I can't get a meal in, I can't get in the shower, and THAT one eats in her sleep! Just what the hell did you tell these people?" "Hey, man - I told them to send the flyest, the hippest, the phattest girls--" "The WHAT?" "The phattest, you know, pretty hot and tempting? But as you can see, these girls are definitely FAT, Steve! Hey man, watch this, watch - hey girls, look, chocolate!" He throws a handful of candy into the air and they scatter. "Hey! Control yourselves! Take it easy!" "Okay - I'm sorry Steve, but better yet let's show Steve those dance moves I taught ya - let's git down with the Grandmaster!" Then a guy who looks like the Goon (the WOW Goon) arrives and frees Blackman from the chains. As he leaves, one of the women stops him. "So...why do they call you the Lethal Weapon?" "Well YOU'LL never know." "Ooh, playing hard to get? I like that." "I think she likes you, Steve - gimme some!" Blackman scowls and walks off. "You the man, Steve, you the man - I knew you liked 'em big - YEAH." X FACTOR are out to show off their cool entrance. Let's take a quick break for I GET LETTERS: From John B at Mizzou: I'm sorry but I had to get this off my chest. Is there a special braintrust located deep within the Titan towers whose sole job is to make X-Pac as gay as possible? Every time I say to myself "man, X-Pac could not get any more...GAY" (for lack of a better word), those WWF writers seem to outdo themselves. It started out with X-Pac just being gay. Everyone already knew he had that gay beard, his gay little ninja poses and the gayest move in wrestling history, the Bronco Buster. We all said to ourselves "man, X-Pac is GAY, they really should fix his character to make him less so." So what happens to X-Pac, he adds a little skipping routine to the Bronco Buster and turns the already dumbest move in wrestling into the ultimate showcase of GAY! But it doesn't end there. Right when I'm thinking to myself "what's worse than one gay X-Pac," the WWF takes his gay clone Justin Credible and stick the two side by side thus creating a team that makes the original Too Cool duo (back when they were just Too Hot and Too Sexy) look like Vincent Vega and Jules Wingfield. Finally, the whole clusterf**k of gay culminated last week on Raw when X-Pac's new theme music was introduced. I can't describe it, but I know you heard it. The sad thing is, WWF is trying to make X-Pac and Credible into a tough guy tag team, but the whole thing is just so GAY, it has pretty much become a parody at this point. All I want is for you to answer me this...CAN ANYONE REALLY BE THIS GAY!?!?!?!?!?!?!? What *I* want to know is if any of my *gay* readers think it's really that gay...because, presumably, they'd be the best judge of that. Anybody want to take one for the team and drop me a line? "Denver, Colorado - let me put this in a language that all of you can easily understand. [What, English?] The Dudley Boyz. And that's exactly what they are - they're boys living in a man's world. It's kinda funny, you see, I've been punkin' out the Dudley Boyz since day one. I singlehandedly ran the Dudley Boyz OUT of ECW, and while the Dudley Boyz have been so worried about making a reputation here in the World Wrestling Federation, we have been making an Impact." (edit?) 'Pac: "I keep thinking about the Dudleyz...and I think about wazzuuuuuuuuup. Well let me tell ya about 'wazzup' - 'wazzup' ain't nothin'! Wazzup is an expression that went out with nickel beer, and you're never gonna get it on any one of us again! And the 3D - 3D whoop-de-doo - you couldn't beat me with it, you can't beat Justin with it...and no way in hell you ever gonna beat this big man with it. Matter of fact, all three Dudley Boyz couldn't beat this big man. So, Dudley BOYEEEEEEZ, I guess since you don't have the...guts to come out here right now, we're gonna have to finish this thing in Chicago at Backlash!" Well, the pyro hits and out come ALL THREE DAMN DUDLEYZ. "You know something - if I was you, I'd lose that bass in my voice before I let my little brother Spike come down there and knock it out for ya. And as for this Sunday at Backlash, you will know why thou shalt not mess with the Dudleyz! Oh my brother - testifyyyyy!" "If there's one thing that Big Daddy Dudley taught us, it was to keep your friends close, but keep your enemies closer. So X Factor, why don't we show you just how up close and in your stinkin' face we can be!" Well it's on - bar the door, Katie, we've got a Pier Six Brawl out here on the floor and I don't see a quick end to this one. Credible puts Spike in the ring - into the ropes, lifting him up but Spike hits a flying headscissors. Albert is in - Spike ducks the clothesline but not the one to the back of his head (whoa). Into the corner - Yaaaavalanche misses - gutshot on Credible, climbing up Albert to hit the Dudley (bull)Dog on Credible! Albert back over - double choke - Baldobomb coming up - no, the other two sweep the legs, allowing Spike to mount and punch away. Now here's "What Are You Doing?" on Albert. Testify dance. D-Von, get the WHOOPS X-Pac is back in and on D-Von from behind. Spike from behind - whip is reversed but Spike hangs on and slips out. 'Pac turns back around - 3D! (Dudley Death Drop) Play their music! The Right to Censor are WALKING! Meanwhile, Taker is WALKING! Meanwhile, Austin and the Helmsleys are WATCHING! I GET LETTERS: From DgynR8X123: in ECW the "Dudley Dog" Spike uses was called the ACID DROP. I am not sure if the WWF changed the name ,but if not Acid Drop is what it's called NO WAY, DUDE! What web site do you write for? Surely with all this INSIDE INFORMATION and a COOL SCREEN NAME LIKE "DgynR8X123" you MUST be a FEATURED WRITER on SOME FAMOUS WEBSITE - I *gotta* start reading your work. In short, OH, COME ON. Chef Boyardee Big Beefaroni ad #2 "WWF: The Music (Volume 5)" ad And now, the Slam of the Week, presented by Clearasil StayClear - from last week's SmackDown, Taker and Kane win the tag team titles despite another sneak attack from Austin and Triple H Tickets are still available for the WWF New York simulcast of Backlash! It'll take place right here - at WWF New York! RIGHT TO CENSOR DOT COM (with wwf.com logo) v. TAKER (on His Beautiful Rude American Bike) in a handicap match - if you and I see referee "Blind" Earl Hebner in for *this* match, can that only mean a special guest referee for the main event? "Iblockyourpunchyoudon'tblockmysoupbone" for Venis, soupbone for Goodfather, soupbone for Buchanan, soupbone for Venis, soupbone for Goodfather, soupbone for Buchanan, Richards decides to slide between the ropes to the floor instead. To the corner - gutshot for Buchanan, back elbow, whip into the opposite corner, but he gets the elbow up. Right by Buchanan, right, into the ropes, clothesline ducked, Taker hits a flying clothesline. Back elbow for Goodfather on the apron - soupbone for Venis on the apron. "Old School" for Buchanan. Buchanan wants to tag Richards, but he barks something to him - when he talks back, Richards slaps him one. Buchanan thinks about firing back, but Taker grabs him before he can do anything - into the ropes, head down, kick by Buchanan. Ducks a clothesline from the Taker, but when he runs at him, Taker dumps him over the top to the outside. Goodfather brought in the hard way - soupbone left soupbone left soupbone - Venis in - Taker puts HIM on top of Goodfather, soupbone, soupbone, Venis whipped into the opposite corner, follow lariat, opposite corner lariat for Goodfather, big boot for Venis, choke for Buchanan, choke for Venis, no hands left for Goodfather, who bowls him over with a clothesline of his own. Stomp, forearm, kick, right, we look at Austin, Triple H and Stephanie WHY, the tripleteam continues when we look back...but Taker is fighting back with soupbones all around. Venis whipped into the ropes, he ducks, but Taker catches the crossbody attempt - and slams him down. Buchanan from behind - death suplex. Goodfather stomps, stomp - three-way stomp - Richards barking orders once again. Hebner not having much luck keeping it one on one. NOW Richards is in - calling off his men and saying he'll take care of it. Rather hard shot for Venis in the process. So, off they walk. Richards runs at...the big boot in the mush. I don't think that was his plan. Taker signals for the Last Ride - and hits it. Venis, Goodfather and Buchanan look on - and don't feel like helping. 1, 2, 3. (3:50) They also walk off without him. Replay of the powerbomb. Backlash ad "The Mummy Returns" ad - buy "The Mummy" ultimate DVD and get some behind-the-scenes action with the Rock! (and other stars of "The Mummy Returns" but you don't care about THEM) Jakks Pacific ad #3 Moments Ago, Steven Richards made a tactical error Austin & Triple H ask Regal who their opponents are - he says it wouldn't be right. Finally, he whispers it to them. Austin and H react with...shock? "You better stay back here - this is gonna be dangerous." What did Regal say? Examine this graphic! It's a Last Man Standing Match Sunday - Shane McMahon takes on the Big Show! >From the Prime Time Studios in Stamford, CT, we join Shane, who is sitting in a comfortable chair with a copy of Jack and the Beanstalk, only "Jack" is crossed out and "Shane" written in instead. "Hello, Big Show. I saw what you did to Test, so I thought I'd try to calm you down by reading from this fable, to turn that frown...upside down. This story stars a giant, a beanstalk and a boy named Jack
But for the purposes of this story, the boy will be named Shane-O Mac.
Now Shane had a dad that was angry and crass
Because at WrestleMania, Shane kicked his dad's ass
Shane's dad was sore; he could barely walk,
So he called Shane out for a father/son talk
They stood in the ring, face to face and toe to toe
When Vince called out for the giant Big Show
"Fee, Fi, Fo, Fum
I'm seven foot tall, but me plenty dumb"
Show grabbed Shane by the neck, picked him up off the mat
Then chokeslammed Shane down with a ferocious splat
Vince grinned from ear to ear upon seeing the crash
Said you two will compete this Sunday at Backlash
Once the match started, the giant looked high and low
But he couldn't find Shane - which way did he go?
Up to the top of the mighty beanstalk
The people were stunned - they could barely talk
The fairy tale ends with a might crash landing
And when it was all said and done...Shane-O Mac was the Last...Man...Standing. Steve Austin and Triple H - are - WALKING! Meanwhile, their mystery opponents - are - oh come ON - they're a MYSTERY! We don't get a SHOT of them! YOU BIG DUMMY! Jakks Pacific ad #4 - okay, I'm *really* tired of it now You're watching WWF SmackDown! on UPN! And now, the WWF Burn of the Week, brought to you by Stacker 2! From RAW, Austin and Triple H again attack Taker and Kane from behind...and don't spare the chairs, either. STONE COLD STEVE AUSTIN (with Earlier Tonight) and THE NEW MAN (wwfhhh.com - with Backlash match graphic...and Stern hype) v. ? - Is it just me, or is this show REALLY close to over? Having these long-ass entrances isn't saving us any show time - by the way, notice AGAIN who comes out first and second between Austin and Triple H...unlike Monday. *Somebody* is noticing besides me. Hmmm, Tim White in the ring - guess I was wrong about the guest ref. The music plays and...it's KAIENTAI? They're wearing Avalanche jerseys and waving their flags. "Stone Cold! Triple H! We fear you not. For you might be That Damn Good, HA! But we are That Damn EEEEEEEEEEEEEEVIL." "InDEEEED." Well, I guess we have just enough time for a sub-minute squash. Or... Michinoku has the mic again. This time, his "voice" seems....different. "Ya know, as I stand here, all I see in the ring...are Dead Men Walking." "InDEEEED." They hit the ring - H and Austin quickly take it to Kaientai...but from behind, THE FUN BROTHERS strike! They get in some good licks before Austin and H once again quickly clear the ring. Play Limp Bizkit! Austin and H make appropriately cowardly and shocked faces as the two men in the ring collect the four belts. Hmm, Taker has the WWF title while Kane collects the intercontinental title...don't read into that, though - wink wink. Credits are up and we're gone - SEE YA AT BACKLASH!! Christopher Robin Zimmerman
www.CRZ.net