by Christopher Robin Zimmerman
WrestleLine/WrestleManiacs
SCARY COMMENT OF THE WEEK: Ah, politics. - Herb Kunze I don't know
about you, but I'm a little disappointed to see what he's becoming. No,
I'm not talking about Herb...
MAD PROPS: Thanks to the extra special *KIM* for not minding that I forgot
to mention her name during both recaps I wrote while in New York. Oh, and
for lots of other stuff too, ha ha, ha ha.
KINGS UPDATE: I hate the Lakers. What, you expected I was gonna say
something else? (0-2)
What network what day?
One TV-PG-DLV World Leader Attitude - WWF!
LAST MONDAY: Wow, trim a twenty minute waste of time down to a couple of
minutes and it almost becomes palatable! And I'm sure "palatable" was
the word furthest from Stephanie's mind whilst receiving yon
stinkface... Go read the RAW report
Opening Credits/Close Captioned logo
YO YO YO PYRO it's 10.5.1 and it's time for action! Coming to you from
the Civic Center in Hartford, CT and Transmitido en espanol SAP on UPN and
the Score, THIS is WWF SMACKDOWN!
CHRIS THURSDAY JERICHO (with Let Us Take You Back to RAW) v. CHRISTIAN
(with Edge - and Edge's music, for some odd reason) - Monday, Edge and
Christian tried to (ugh) retrieve Angle's medals from Benoit, only to run
him into the trainer's room where Chris Jericho was happy to help out.
Your hosts are MICHAEL KING COLE & PAUL HEYMAN - Tazz has a family crisis,
apparently - whoa, is that a new font? Or just sloppy post-production?
Before the match begins, CHRIS BENOIT decides he'd better get an entrance,
too. Here we go! Crowd chants "Y2J" before first contact. Lockup, side
headlock by JEricho, chain wrestling to the hammerlock, to the opposite
side headlock - powerout by Christian, off the ropes but Jericho hits a
shoulderblock. Off the ropes, up and over, leapfrog by Christian, runs
into a chop. Armdrag by Jericho, holding the armbar. Christian up,
Jericho yanks the arm to take him back down. Still working the armbar -
Christian up, using the hair to get to the corner - now holding his hair
and firing away - right, right, right, right, right. Referee "Blind"
Jimmy Korderas complains about the closed fist. Into the opposite corner
and Jericho pops out with a clothesline. Big chop, into the ropes,
strange hiptoss by Jericho. Jericho onto the apron, which leaves him open
for a springboard dropkick. Christian slowly gets up to find himself face
to face with Benoit...distracting him from Jericho, who lands a perfect
baseball slide dropkick. Christian meets the barricade, rolled back in,
Jericho climbing the ladder...plancha hits - 1, 2, Christian kicks out.
RC provides the Double Feature of the dropkick. Christian into the ropes,
slides under, double leg takedown by Jericho...can he get the Liontamer?
Not if he lets go to go meet Edge on the apron! Right cross puts Edge
down, but Jericho falls into the perpendicular backbreaker. Stomp, stomp.
Stomp. Christian rakes every orifice he can find. Forearm across the
chest, and one more. Christian pulls up Jericho - Jericho with a gutshot,
right hand puts him down. Right, into the corner, off the ropes to try
the bulldog but Christian has him scouted - big lariat gets 2. Edge
argues the cadence, while Benoit tries to get Jericho to fire up.
Christian stomps, stomp, right, choke on the second rope. Jericho sneaks
in a gutshot, right, Christian right, right, into the ropes is reversed,
but Christian pulls up with a kick - running at Jericho, but he drops down
and hot shots him! Both men are down and the count is on. Both men up at
4 - Christian runs into a right hand, into a forearm, finally ducks a
clothesline but Jericho lands two chops - into the ropes, Jericho with the
flying jalapeno. Jericho on the second rope - missile dropkick finds the
mark - 1, 2, no! European forearm by Jericho - whip is reversed into a
kick in the gut from Christian. Christian scoops - Jericho behind the
back, off the ropes, hits the bulldog - going for the Lionsault RIGHT in
front of Edge, so he *deserves* to get popped. Somehow, Korderas chose
that moment to turn his back to the action and go for a stroll...ooookay.
Benoit is over to take it to Edge but Christian is covering - 1, 2, NO!!
Edge and Benoit still trading blows. Jericho with a chop, right, into the
ropes, reversal, Jericho collides with Edge and runs into a schoolboy (and
probably a pull of the tights - if only they had a camera that could catch
it) for the 1, 2, 3. (5:40) Replay again misses any possible tights
pull.
Backstage, Undertaker arrives...and Vince is there to meet him. He wants
to make sure he and Austin can coexist tonight, now that they've had a
cooling off period. McMahon warns him that if there's any physicality
tonight, his title shot might be in jeopardy. Now, are you cool? "Yeah,
boss. I'm Kool and the Gang."
"Don't Try This at Home" PSA
Undertaker is still WALKING! when we come back. He asks a passerby where
Austin is...'cause he's got something for him. Then he removes a chain
and places it round his neck. Undertaker is JYD?
YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAALBERT (with Justin Credible & Justin Otherguy & Let
Us Take You Back One Week...and to RAW) v. CAW CAW CAW (with "WWF: The
Music [Volume 5] CD cover) - X-Pac & Credible take headsets and join our
commentary team. Aren't you excited? X-Pac asks why Raven can't respect
the sport and buy some decent ring gear - like Credible, presumably.
Here we go! Raven ducks a right and delivers one of his own. Repeat,
only Albert tries a left. The THIRD time Raven ducks Albert's swing,
Albert is ready with a blindside clothesline to take him down. Yah kick
by Albert, right, yah kick, yaah beal across the ring. Yah headbutt.
Yah kick. Into the opposite corner - Raven averts the
yaavalanche...Albert counters the bulldog attempt with a forearm in the
chest that takes him down again. Into the ropes, head down, Raven kicks,
right, off the ropes with a forearm, ducks a clothesline, off the ropes
with the dropkick - Albert stays on his feet. Raven with a clothesline
that takes them BOTH out of the ring! Forearm by Raven - Albert turns it
back around, scooped up on his back...but Raven runs him into the
ringpost! Raven back in the ring and waiting...elbowdrop as he comes back
in, elbowdrop...off the ropes....but right into the scissors kick.
"Raven, fight back, yer BORING me!" Slingshot between the first and
second ropes. Outside we go - hard into the barricade. "Albert's Gay"
chant. Back in the ring as RC replays the throating on the second rope.
BIG face rake by Albert. Into the corner...double choke as he comes
out...Raven twice to the face to escape the Baldobomb...but runs into a
back elbow. Albert stomps. On the second rope - yaaaaah legdrop MISSES.
I still can't get over referee "Blind" Chad Patton's hair colour. Raven
ducks a swing, right, right, right, into the opposite corner is reversed,
but Albert runs into a big boot. Kick by Raven, kneelift off the ropes,
clothesline, tries a splash in the corner...but ends up running right into
a double choke by Albert. One Baldobomb later, we have a decisive victory
by Albert. (4:00)
Undertaker finds the door with the smoking skull on it - I wonder who's in
there. Well, I'm wrong - there's NOBODY in there. "Hey boy, where you
at? Austin? You here? We gotta few things to discuss,
son! Austin! Well that's all right, 'cause I ain't goin' anywhere
tonight. I think I'll set right here. And when you get here, you're
gonna get a few things settled...Austin." Sounds like he keeps hitting
his hidden mic with the chain...anyway, he sits next to Austin's title
belts...he probably won't leave without coming back for them, right?
Jakks Pacific's Hardcore Ring and Finishing Moves Action figures ad #1
Commentators shill "Star Trek: Voyager"
Austin is with Vince, pacing about - Debra has a sofa as well. "That man
has got no reason bein' in my locker room, Vince! The name by the door
says Stone Cold Steve Austin, it don't say Undertaker - he got no business
bein' with my stuff!" Vince sympathizes but he can't just walk up to him;
he's got a chain! Austin said if he didn't have the chain, he'd go in
there and knock his lights out. Man, Austin's pretty WHINY. Debra...nods
approvingly?
Meanwhile, Molly Holly tells Spike Dudley how impressive it was to put
Albert through a table - Crash catches up to them and gets all aggressive
and provoking and somehow a match is booked for later tonight. Eh. Does
Molly have a thing for Spike?
Meanwhile, Undertaker rifles through Austin's T-shirts (available now at
the Shop Zone) - then STEALS his Red Man! There's a knock at the
door. "It's open!" It's the beer man! Undertaker says this isn't
Austin's dressing room anymore - it's his yard, but leave the beer behind
and he'll see that he gets it. Then he spits in a cup for dramatic
effect.
Vince and the Austins react to what we've just seen. "He's got my beer,
he's got my chew, what's next?" Vince tells him he's trying to bait him
so he can use the chain. Let's all calm down while he thinks of
something.
Meanwhile, Triple H warms up for his match with Rikishi. JONATHAN
COACHMAN catches up for a few questions. "I do not need to be reminded of
what happened Monday night on RAW. You're right; Rikishi and I *were*
allies. We had a relationship - a business relationship. But Monday
night, Rikishi screwed up. You see, he made this personal. Now tonight,
I am personally gonna take Rikishi apart. You do not screw with the Game
- and nobody puts their hands on my wife." Coach: "Well, he didn't
exactly put his HANDS on your wife though..." and then he starts to yuk it
up, until H makes him flinch - well, actually, run away. Coach is a big
ol' CHICKEN
"WWF: The Music (Volume 5)" ad - get it at Circuit City
Hey, look, new Stacker 2 ad - no Kane, though, so at least you don't have
to see me comment about it three or four times a report
...unlike this WWF Hardcore Ring ad (#2)
You're watching WWF SmackDown! on UPN!
And now, Lugz presents the WWF Boot of the Week! From RAW, Eddie Guerrero
shows the Hardy Boyz - and Lita - how much they can trust him.
HARDY BOYZ & LITA (with SmackDown! is brought to you by Stacker 2, the JVC
Giga-Tube, and WWF: The Music [Volume 5] - available at Circuit City) v.
IVORY & GOODFATHER & BULL BUCHANAN (righttocensor.com) in civil,
appropriate intergender action - still to come, Triple H takes on
Rikishi! Word on the street is the RtC are shopping for a new leader -
hmmm. Matt starts with Goodfather - armbar by Goodfather, pounding on it,
to a hammerlock - reversed by Hardy - Goodfather can't get out so he backs
him into a corner and lets referee "Blind" Tim White make the break for
him. But of course it isn't a clean break - Goodfather iwth a back elbow,
kick, kick, into the opposite corner - Censor Train splash is blocked iwth
a big boot. Hardy tries a crossbody but Goodfather ducks it and Hardy
sails over him. Into the ropes, Hardy ducks and slides under - daring
Goodfather to come out - the chase is on - Hardy back in, tagging Jeff on
the way - Goodfather didn't see it - blindsided by a kick by Jeff - into
the ropes, Poetry in Motion - NOW JEFF'S SHIRT IS OFF SQUEEEEAL - Buchanan
in; HE gets a double punch. Now, Ivory wants the tag. Everybody looks -
and Goodfather tags her. Ivory points to Lita...Jeff seems amenable to
making the tag. Roof blows off the joint...until Lita falls into a drop
toehold. Stomp, stomp, stomp, stomp. Scoop....and a backbreaker across
the knee. 1, 2, no. Backstage, Chyna watches on the Magic Window. Right
by Ivory, right, into the ropes, trying a hiptoss but Lita snaps off
OWWWWW a headscissors gone ouch. Armdrag by Lita - ducks a clothesline -
sidewalk slam gets 2. Forearm. Into the ropes but Ivory tagged Buchanan
- Lita got a tag from Jeff as well - how confusing! Somehow, White saw
all this. Lita through the legs and outside - BOTH Hardys on Buchanan -
White works on putting Matt outside while Goodfather takes advantage of
the distraction by coming in and hitting a side suplex on
Jeff. Goodfather slips out and Buchanan takes over - head to the buckle,
right, left, right, right. Hmm, EDDIE GUERRERO is out - thoughtfully
massaging his ribs so we can be reminded he took the gore on Monday
(commentators miss it - too subtle, perhaps?) Whip into the opposite
corner, but he ducks out of the way of the splash, hanging him on the
buckle long enough to tag in Matt - duck, right, right, right, off the
ropes with the sitout clothesline - right for Goodfather, gutshot for
Buchanan, neckbreaker - Twist of Fate coming up...Goodfather comes in to
prevent THAT with a hock to the back. Right hand, off the ropes...Matt
lowers the bridge to take him outside. Ivory in to grab Matt's hair...but
Lita comes in with a SPEAR that takes them both outside! Jeff on top -
plancha to Goodfather out on the floor! Guerrero nearing the ring as
Buchanan hits a huge bodyslam on Matt...then dares him to get up. Going
to the corner for the "will he won't he" legdrop but Guerrero trips him up
- I guess he won't! Hardy is ready - gutshot, Twist of Fate - 1, 2,
3! (4:42) Again, Matt makes the "what's that guy doing?" face while
Eddie makes the "oh yes" face.
Here's a look at the stinkface from Monday - ugh
NEXT: Rikishi takes on Triple H!
Vince says he thinks he's got it...and offers his plan. Who can safely
get his belongings and come out? Debra. After all, she slapped him and
Taker didn't do anything about it - he'd NEVER hit a lady! Austin reacts
to this plan with...acceptance. "That's the best idea I heard all day!
Debra, c'mere - c'mere. I want you go to into MY dressing room and get my
stuff. I want you to go get my stuff. Thank you. Thank you very much."
This month's WWF Fanatic Series presentation is "The Best of WrestleMania
1-17" - by the way, I'm PRETTY sure that two hours and ten minutes
isn't REALLY "3 hours," there, WWF
LOOK! It's Hartford!
Debra catches up to Taker. "Undertaker, I'm gonna ask you once, and I'm
gonna ask you politely. You need to leave my husband's dressing room
right now." "What, I don't get no slap this time?" "No, you're not gonna
get a slap, because I'm asking you politely to leave my husband's dressing
room right now, because I am not gonna be held responsible if he happens
to put a mark on you on Judgment Day." "You're asking me politely. Well
Debra, I told you once...this ain't got nothing to do with the wives, but
I would like you to take a message back to Steve for me." "Okay, now what
is that?" So he spits on her. "Seems like you got a mark on you now."
Off she goes. "Heh heh heh heh heh - WOMEN." Then he takes the WWF title
and puts it over his thigh - then caresses it - eww, let's leave them
alone for a few minutes.
And now, RC brings you the WWF Rewind! From RAW, Rikishi turns face - and
stinkface
THE NEW MAN (with Stephanie Can't Act & "WWF: The Music [Volume 5] CD
cover) v. RIKASHMONEY (with wwf.com logo) - Triple H has a new OvalTron
video - AHHH, POLITICS. And now, a few words from the woman who probably
shouldn't be wearing the hot pants - not that I'm a proper judge of
fashion by ANY means. "Rikishi - last Monday night, you stuck your
cottage cheese, OILY (beep) right in my face!" Good God, this is so
melodramatic even Snidely Whiplash himself would say "Man, that's SO over
the top - try to tone it down a HAIR, wouldja?" "You know, up close...I
could actually see the discolouration of the skin between your legs. I
tried to close my eyes as the sheer horror of your...pussing, pimpled,
puffed...against my skin! And the stench of your lingering excretion is
still in my NOSE. I can still smell it!" Pause for (ha) dramatic effect
"Rikishi, Monday night..." Crowd: "Slut!" "Monday night, you made me
look ridiculous...and a woman in my position cannot afford to look
ridiculous. That's why tonight, MY husband (Triple H) is going to make
YOU look ridiculous. Because Hunter is going to BRING YOU DOWN and RIP
YOU APART. And tonight, Triple H is gonna rub YOUR face - in - it."
Paul Heyman falls over himself to praise Stephanie's performance - aw,
man, grow some BALLS. H strikes before the bell with a right hand - AH,
POLITICS. Right, right, right, right, Rikishi fires back, H, Rikishi, H,
Rikishi, Rikishi, Rikishi, H. Into the ropes is reversed, biiig back
bodydrop by Rikishi - running at him and clotheslining him out of the
ring! Rikishi finally gets the chance to remove his robe...and out HE
goes - meeting H with a right hand. Head to the commentary
table. Right. Head to the table again. H better stop selling for this
guy QUICK so I can say AH, POLITICS again. Back in the ring we go - but H
meets him with a forearm. AH, POLITICS. Right hand by H, right, right,
right, Rikishi sneaks in a thrust. Right by Rikishi, right, into the
ropes, H ducks (AH, POLITICS) but falls into a Samoan Drop for 2
(oops). H put into the ropes, head down, H with the facebuster. AH,
POLITICS. Off the ropes - that clothesline gave Rikishi the triple
spin! AH, POLITICS. H mounts RIkishi and throws nine quick rights -
referee "Blind" Earl Hebner (is this the main event? AH,
POLITICS.) manages to convince him back to his feet. Choke on the second
rope. Rikishi fires back with a right, right, right, H ducks the next one
and hits his neckbreaker (AH, POLITICS) for 2. H to the apron - climbing
up top - trying the double sledge but THAT MOVE NEVER WORKS! and Rikishi
drops down to avoid it, hitting a gutshot after H lands - H actually front
flips off the move, which is pretty impressive (to me). Running
clothesline in the corner by Rikishi - BELLY-to-belly suplex - 1, 2,
no! H gets up a boot to stop the onslaught - AH, POLITICS. Gutshot,
going for the Pedigree - but Rikishi backdrops him, then SQUASH! H tries
to crawl out of the ring but 'kishi grabs him on the apron...but H manages
a hot shot - AH, POLITICS. Stephanie is in the ring, distracting Hebner
long enough to allow H to insert a STEEL chair into the mix - but Rikishi
catches him with the RIKISHIKICK! before he can swing it - off
the ropes with the DRUMSTICK DROP!! Rikishi hooks the leg - 1, 2, 3, 4,
5...too bad Hebner is still dealing with Stephanie and didn't make ANY of
those counts. Rikishi up - Stephanie quickly gets out of harm's
way...then smiles and waves. That was SO much cooler than all her bad
acting. Rikishi warms it up...but nobody's home for the fat ass
splash. OHHHH Triple H got the chair - WHACK! Hebner's not gonna let
that go - it's a W for Rikishi, but it wasn't a clean one. AH,
POLITICS. (4:17) To make it more AH, POLITICAL, H takes advantage of the
staggered 'kishi to give him a quick gutshot and Pedigree. H invites
Stephanie in for "the hardest slap in the business" - yikes, who wears
short shorts? Stephanie wears short shorts. Those aren't ALL
shadows. Here comes TEST TEST THIS IS A TEST - trading blows with Triple
H - now it's ONLY Test - KO blow! But here, WELL, IT'S THE BIG SHOW -
Test in the corner - well it's a big paw, well it's a big kick to the
taped ribs...meanwhile, Rikishi is up and clocking Triple H to take him
outside...leaving Stephanie easy pickin's for the...wait, here comes Big
Show - RIKISHIKICK! Just enough of a distraction to allow Triple H to
pull his wife outside and save her. Rikishi hits the fat ass splash on
Show, Test hits the Really, Really Big Boot and Show is out - but so are
the Helmsleys, making their way back up the ramp and to safe
haven. Rikishi is set to go after them, but Test suggests giving Big Show
the stinkface first. And so....he does. Play his music! Replay of the
self-induced wedgie...and slomo of the stinkface.
Debra shows off her tuhbakeh stain. Austin tells Vince that was the
stupidest idea he'd ever heard in his life. Vince says he's got just the
guy to get his belongings, and takes off.
Judgment Day ad
Mick Foley eats Big Beefaroni - or IS Big Beefaroni, I forget
Moments Ago, the TV-PG-DLV ratings box held court as Stephanie
(almost) got another stinkface - Big Show, as they say, took the bullet
for her
The Helmsleys decide to take off, 'cause Stephanie is scared of the stinky
face. Triple H is starting to just walk around EVERYWHERE dressed like
that, isn't he? OH HEY guess who ELSE used to have his matches in the
middle of the card and go home early - THAT'S RIGHT. AH, POLITICS.
LITTLE SPIKE DAMN DUDLEY (with Those Damn Dudleyz & Let Us Take You Back
to RAW) v. CRASH (with Hardcore & Molly Holly & No Last Name) - lockup,
quick scoop slam by Crash. Waiting for him to get back up - gutshot,
Dudley with an inside cradle for 2. Forearm by Crash, into the ropes is
reversed, hiptoss by Dudley, dropkick, 'rana, gutshot, going to the corner
to try the 'Dog but Crash shoves him off, into the corner, and follows
with a clothesline. Kick, kick, kick, stomp, stomp, complaining to
referee "Blind" Jack Doan about his insistence to enforce the
rules. Pulling him out and spiking him down. Crowd wants...something or
other. Backbreaker across the knee by Crash. Stomp, stomp, stomp, off
the ropes with a dropkick that takes him outside. Crash out, rolling him
back in, into the corner, but Spike manages a head to the gut as Crash
comes in. Crash with a powerbomb - 1, 2, no! Crash stomps on the back,
stomp, elbow, vertical suplex. Crash celebrates but Hardcore tells him to
stay on him. Into the ropes is reversed - Spike holds on, laces the leg,
drops down, rolls forward and pins him! (2:22) Crash can't believe it -
Hardcore seemed to expect it from his idiot cousin.
Vince returns...with Commissioner Regal. After Vince explains the problem
to Regal, then butters him up by saying Undertaker will listen to reason -
and he IS a reasonable man. Also, Taker's got a chain. Regal balks...but
decides to give it a go. Austin: "Go git my STUFF!"
Jakks Pacific nineteen points of articulation ad #3
Earlier this week, the WWF worked on registering voters in Connecticut -
Kurt Angle, Ivory (not in RtC gear) and Bradshaw delivered words of
inspiration at an area high school. That's right, with the XFL gone we're
back to SMACKDOWN YOUR VOTE hype - get used to it
Regal starts to knock on Austin's door...but stops just a bit short
EDGE (with Christian, and Edge's music & Let Us Take You Back to Earlier
Tonight) v. CHRIS BENOIT (with Chris Thursday Jericho) - Didn't I see this
match to start the....oh, okay. Gotcha. Feeling out process. Benoit
keeps looking back at Christian - that might be important - nope, Edge
tries to take advantage but only falls into a drop toehold into the bottom
buckle instead. Kick, kick, kick, kick, kick, chop, chop, chop. Euro
elbow, elbow, into the ropes is reversed, Benoit slides under, double leg
takedown, WOW catapult into the buckle, gutshot, snap suplex...holding on
for a second...still holding on - a THIRD snap suplex. Christian up,
Christian down with a shot. Benoit back over - but didn't keep his eyes
on Edge, who manages to pull him into the top turnbuckle. Kick, kick kick
kick kick. Right hand, another right. Benoit tries to push him away -
Edge with two more rights. Into the ropes is reversed, and Benoit buries
a knee in the abdomen. Benoit bounces him off the ropes to add momentum
to his armbar takedown. Back into the ropes for ANOTHER armbar
takedown. Softening him up, looks like. Into the ropes, Edge ducks it
THIS time, but Benoit ducks HIS swing and puts on the crossface! But Edge
has the bottom rope hooked. Benoit puts Edge's head to the top turnbuckle
- into the opposite corner is reversed - Benoit hits sternum first, then
backs up into a clip. Edge goes outside and wraps Benoit's leg around the
ringpost - Christian makes sure referee "Blind" Mike Chioda is otherwise
occupied. Edge back in - stomp, stomp, stomp. Edge wrenches the
leg. Into the corner again - kicking the knee, kick, Chioda pulls him off
but Edge is ready to go back for more - Benoit puts the boots up. Edge
back at him - catching the boot this time...but he forgot about the other
one - enzuigiri! Both men are down... Both men up - Benoit ducks a
clotehsline and lands one of his own. Clothesline. Chop. Into the
corner, German suplex as Edge backs out - holding on for two -
three! Benoit looks to the crowd, then says "that's it" - HE'S going up
top - SWANDIVE HEADBUTT!! Slowly over to make the cover - 1, 2, Christian
Edge out! Jericho is over to beat up BOTH of them - Benoit out to help -
EVERYBODY going at it now...oh no! Edge shoves Benoit into Chioda and
colliding into the ring! Chioda promptly goes out like a sack of
potatoes. Edge tries to suplex Benoit back into the ring but he goes
behind - forearms in the back - Edge laces the leg to block the suplex
attempt, so Benoit drops down with the crossface! Edge taps but there's
no ref! Meanwhile, Jericho puts Christian into the Walls of Jericho on
the ramp - well, why the hell not - HE taps (as if it'll help) but
again...nobody's around. What's next? Well, how about KING KURT ANGLE
come through the crowd to stomp on Benoit. Yup, that'll do
nicely. Olympic Slam for Benoit! And, just like that, Angle is out
through the crowd, leaving Edge to hook a leg and wait for Chioda to
s-l-o-w-l-y make his way over for a 1........2............3. (5:38)
Undertaker is enjoying himself a Budweiser when there's a knock at the
door. "I've come to inform you that you are trespassing - you are
trespassing in Stone Cold's--" "Nonononononono - you walked through that
door, right? Not Stone Cold Steve Austin, it says 'Undertaker's Yard,'
clear - clear as day, right on the door!" "You listen to me, you are
trespassing. You need to take yourself out of here right now. It is
absolutely disgraceful what you have done - the way that you expectorated
your filthy, foul, dirty, disgusting tobacco juice all over Miss Debra's
blouse - it is absolutely atrocious. Being your WWF commissioner, I am
telling you that you need to apologise to that young lady right now...in
fact, you need to get yourself out of here and leave these premises,
because I'm telling you, if you don't, I will be forced, and I mean forced
to tell you--" Taker dumps his spit glass on Regal's head. Yikes!
"Commissioner, don't worry about it - it's good for your hair! Heh heh
heh heh heh...(it is a nasty habit, tho')..."
Jakks Pacific #4
"Foley is Good" ad
Here's a look at Times Square
Regal continues to walk and make faces as Edge & Christian catch up to
him. "Yo, yo, your commissionership." "Besmirchinator! We wanna talk to
you." "Yeah, we wanted to let you know...whoa, dude, what reeks?" "I had
a little mishap...with some, uh, with some coffee." "Coffee? What, did
you lose your coffee after someone poured crap all over you?" "No, no,
nobody poured anything over me, no, I was drinking some special...English
coffee and someone came up from behind and startled me and I - is there
anything I can help you two gentlemen with?" Edge relates that they
expect that the men they were so decisively victorious over will probably
come complaining and demanding a rematch. Christian says that they'd be
happy to take on the crying Chrisses again. Regal says he'll pass that
along if the opportunity arises - now, he needs to freshen up. "Dude, I
guess it's true what they say - tobacco IS whacko...if you're a
teen." "Yeah...or a British guy."
LILIAN GARCIA stands with Rhyno, who will take a challenge from Bradshaw
for the hardcore title. "Lilian, do you know how intense I get when I
have to defend my hardcore title? I'm a hardcore man, living in a
hardcore world, and tonight, I'm gonna show Bradshaw just how hardcore I
can be." He starts off...but gives Lilian a leer before doing so.
Taker sips another beer - ooh, he's an ANGRY drunk! After throwing the
beer at the wall, he spies Austin's vest. "Well, Austin - you won't come
to me - I'll be damned if I'm gon' MAKE you come to me!" He puts on
Austin's vest...and wraps his fist in the chain. "It's on." Then he eyes
the title belts. "It's on."
The Whack of the Night is presented by the Lorillard Youth Smoking
Prevention Program! From Insurrextion, Bradshaw answered the open
challenge, and accepted a little help from Test on his way to pinning the
Big Show.
WWF HARDCORE CHAMPIONSHIP: ACOLYTE BRADSHAW (wwfapa.com - with wwf.com
logo) v. RHYNO THE MAN BEAST (with Heat hype - Big Show hosts!) - lockup,
"ECW" chant, Bradshaw shoves him to the ropes - knee, forearm in the back,
whip is reversed, shoulderblock by Bradshaw. Knee, right, right, right,
into the opposite corner is reversed, head to the gut by Rhyno. Right,
right, into the ropes, head down, forearm in the back by Bradshaw, chop,
right, chop, right, Bradshaw ducks under and puts him on the outside..and
follows. Bradshaw with a knee - head to the steps - head to the steps
again. Bradshaw grabs the steps and tosses them into the ring - Rhyno
rolled back in - Bradshaw back in - steps to the head! Rhyno rolls
outside. Bradshaw tosses the steps out but Rhyno's away from
there. Bradshaw out - Rhyno with a trashcan lid from under the ring -
WHACK!! WHACK! WHACK in the back. Whip is reversed and Rhyno almost
takes out a tech guy. Bradshaw with a boot, putting Rhyno out into the
crowd. And here we go - Bradshaw rams Rhyno into a wall, then pulls a
metal bar off the bleachers - swing and a miss. Gutshot by Rhyno, right,
right, right, Bradshaw with a knee - and through the doors we go. Walking
some more - Rhyno comes back with two shots to the gut - head to a heavy
case. Right, whip into the cases. Rhyno tries the gore, but Bradshaw
steps aside and Rhyno takes out some cases instead. Bradshaw with a
forearm to the back, right hand, climbing up the cases as RC presents the
Double Feature - Heyman decides this might be his last chance to call it
tonight and busts out "GORE! GORE! GORE!" They're on top of a big
equipment case - is Bradshaw gonna powerbomb him up there? Nope - Big
Show emerges with a block of wood - which he breaks over Bradshaw's
back. Show runs Bradshaw shoulder-first into a case. Well it's a big
headbutt. Here comes a chokeslam through a pallet. "Let me ask you a
question: who needs protection now?" Rhyno is quickly over to make as
Average White Band and pick up the pieces - Teddy Long on the scene - 1,
2, 3. (4:26)
Meanwhile, Undertaker is WALKING! Also, he's wearing Austin's vest,
carrying Austin's belt, and dragging Austin's chain - wait, that's his own
chain
Jakks Pacific ad #5
TAKER is rollin' rollin' rollin' rollin' out on his Beautiful Rude
American Bike, clad in Austin's vest and WWF Championship. By the by, RC
Cola presents Judgment Day LIVE from the Arco Arena in Sacramento,
California in ten days! RC: it's cola for people who are cheap! Taker
has the stick...but first, let's bask in the glow of this happy crowd.
"This whole night hasn't been about Judgment Day - it hasn't been about
the WWF title (although I must say, it looks DAMN good on me) - tonight I
wanted to find out whether Stone Cold Steve Austin was a man and had a
set. Now I waited for him all night in his own damn dressing room, and he
wouldn't show his face. So what I'd like to know now: is Stone Cold ready
to come down here and get his ass kicked?" We pause for the reply...which
is the expected playing of "No Chance in Hell" and appearance of
BILLIONAIRE VINCE. "You know something, Undertaker - I asked you when you
showed up here tonight whether or not you had cooled off. I asked you
whether or not you thought you and Stone Cold could coexist in the same
arena on the same night, and you said 'oh yeah, you're cool - you're Kool
and the Gang.' Well first of all, I don't think you're very cool, and I
damn sure don't think any of your gang is very cool either. As far as
wondering what sort of a man Stone Cold Stever Austin is, he's at least
TWICE the man you'll ever be. [ha - somebody showered Vince with confetti
- Vince either doesn't skip a beat, or didn't even notice] Because, you
see, Austin wouldn't be coming out here with a chain around his neck! No
no no - Austin doesn't need a weapon, you see? If Austin was gonna call
you out, he'd call you out like a *real* man, so if you are a REAL man,
why don't you just take that chain from around your neck...just drop it
off in the corner over there somewhere out of the ring." "Is that what
it's gonna take? Is that what it's gonna take to bring him down here?
Well I'll tell you what - I don't need this damn chain...I don't need this
sorry-ass vest..." "Well wait just one moment because I've seen you do
this before. All right? You're still wearing Stone Cold Steve Austin's
WWF Championship belt around your waist - I've seen you - I've seen you
use that as a weapon - so, if you're in such an obliging mood, you'll take
that from around your waist (it doesn't belong there anyhow) and drop THAT
right over in the corner, too." "I have grown sort of accustomed to it,
but if that's what it takes...I'll take this...drop it on the floor...now,
it's just me and these two soupbones waitin' on your boy Austin." "Well
not quite. You see, because I know the kinda man you are. I've seen you
at work. And, uh, get off that chair. I want every damn one of these
folding metal chairs over here out of the Undertaker's way. Give me that
chair, I said. Yeah, because you're not gonna get your mitts on these
things - GET OFFA that chair! So now - NOW then, you know what's gonna
happen? You know what all you people are just about ready to see?
You're about ready to see the Undertaker's ASS kicked." The music hits
and MY NAME IS STONE COLD STEVE AUSTIN walks out to the ring - then runs
to the ring - soupbone, right, soupbone, right, soupbone, soupbone,
soupbone! Taker waits for him to get up - soupbone! Up again - soupbone
down! Taker puts Austin in the corner - left, soupbone, left, soupbone,
soupbone, soupbone, soupbone - oops, Vince is up from behind with a chair
- whack - that was rather ineffectual there. Taker turns round and gives
Vince the "oh I can't BELIEVE you just tried that with ME" look - Vince
rares back but Taker has him in a choke before he can swing. CHOKESLAM!
Austin quickly up from behind with a forearm to Taker's back...kick, kick,
kick, kick, kick, kick, stomp, stomp stomp stomp stomp stomp stomp stomp.
Austin grabs the chair - rares back - but the flames and music hit and
KANE is back. Austin - is he showing FEAR in his eyes? Austin rolls out
and tries to meet Kane with a chairshot but Kane has the boot up and gets
him right in the face! Taker is out - soupbone! Austin stands against
the post as Taker readies the chair - Austin ducks to make the missed
chairshot sound more impressive. Taker chairs the steps, missing again
(but again making cool KLANG noises) Kane is around the other side -
Austin has nowhere to go...so he climbs over the commentary table and goes
out through the crowd! McMahon also takes this opportunity to head
backstage. Keep rollin' rollin' rollin' rollin'....as the music hits,
Taker and Kane hit the ring and hit some poses - and it's time for us to
watch the replays and then hit that send key, 'cause the show - and this
report - are OVER!
Christopher Robin Zimmerman
www.CRZ.net