by Christopher Robin Zimmerman
BLATANT PLUG: You like comix, so after you're done here, go visit pffft.net! They told me that if I plugged
them at the top of the column my chances of a four-way sexual encounter
with them would SKYROCKET (and yet - a *thousand* times zero is *still*
zero) Be sure to look out for my brother, slyly hidden amongst the
artist's renderings, too!
UPN - Thursday!
TV-PG-DLV - One World Leader Attitude - WWF!
Let Us Take You Back to RAW to enjoy the saga of Austin and Triple H - and
Benoit and Jericho - man, if you've been missing these shows, you have been
missing OUT. Fortunately for you, reports are still available - enjoy them
while you can
Opening Credits/close captioned logo
GOT PYRO? Coming to you from the Arrowhead Pond of Anaheim (CA), this is
WWF SMACKDOWN! Transmitido en espanol SAP and airing 24.5.1 (but taped
22.5) on the United Paramount Network (and the Score), let's get this party
BILLIONAIRE VINCE is our first man out - and I think he just *may* have
something to say to us. "Tonight, I promise you - no, wait a minute I'm
not gonna promise you - tonight I guarantee you an historic night of World
Wrestling Federation action here in Anaheim, California! And you might say
that history was made last Monday - more specifically - let's face it, it
was a MIRACLE that Benoit and Jericho became tag team champions. It was a
miracle that Benoit and Jericho defeated Stone Cold Steve Austin and Triple
H. And speaking of Triple H, due to the intensity of that tag team title
matchup, unfortunately, Triple H suffered a severe leg injury. Triple H's
quadracep was just about sliced in two. Triple H is gonna be out of action
for some four to six months! How bloodthirsty ARE you people?! So now,
I'm not a vindictive man; however, I would suggest to you that the tag team
championship reign of Benoit and Jericho is likely to be a little
abbreviated. Because tonight, right here In That Very Ring, there will be
a tag team championship matchup - but just not an ordinary tag team title
match, no. This tag team title match will involve tables, ladders and
chairs! For the first time ever on broadcast television, a TLC tag team
championship match! You'll see the Dudley Boyz - the Dudleyz versus the
Hardys versus Edge & Christian versus Benoit and Jericho. For the first
time in World Wrestling Federation history, there will be four teams in a
TLC matchup. My only hope is that all of you enjoy this TLC tag team title
match as much as I will, Stone Cold will, and Triple H will. And I leave
you with this parting thought. I would suggest to you that Benoit and
Jericho are fresh out of miracles. Thank you very much."
Your hosts are MICHAEL KING COLE & TAZZZZZZZZZZZ. No ad break yet! Let's
go straight to
X-PACTOR (by his damn self - with Let Us Take You Back to Monday) v. EDDIE
GUERRERO (with wwf.com logo) - Apparently, these two agreed to keep all
their chums backstage so as to go one on one. X-Pac points, Guerrero
shoves. This is a feeling out process! Lockup, no, knee by Guerrero,
right, right, right, into the ropes, reversed, back to back over the top,
ducks a kick, tilt-a-whirl backbreaker, 2! Wow, referee "Blind" Earl
Hebner not in the main event? Gutshot by Guerrero, right, European
uppercut, another, into the ropes, reversed, Guerrero with a forearm in the
back, DDT, 2. Off the ropes, X-Pac ducks the clothesline, "I'm not a
sidekick" side kick puts him down. Arm wringer by 'Pac, Guerrero with
three rights, puts 'Pac in the corner, 'Pac up and on the shoulders, wow a
headscissors takeover puts Guerrero outside! X-Pac to the top -
springboard into a plancha to the floor! Give it a Double Feature! Back
in we go - 'Pac puts the head to the buckle, chop, snapmare takeover into
the headlock. Guerrero fights his way back to his feet - elbows to the gut
breaks the hold, Guerrero off the ropes - but into the big "I'm a heel"
heel kick from X-Pac - 1, 2, no. Scoop...and a slam. 'Pac's going up
top...but nobody's home on the somersault senton! Guerrero with
"Iblockyourpunchyoudon'tblockmine," again, right, right, into the ropes,
'Pac up and over, but Guerrero hits a nice dropkick. Scoop slam, and
outside for the trademark slingshot senton. 'Pac put in the corner - steps
aside, though - and there's a big spinning back kick. Skipping into the
broncobuster - but Guerrero's gone! That'll hurt your groin. Both men
down - Guerrero trying to get to the top buckle as we take a Double Feature
of 'Pac's spin kick. X-Pac is up, walking over and lands a BIG Ghetto
Blaster - over the shoulder super X Factor will finish it up. 1, 2, 3.
(4:28) How did X-Pac get so awesome this week?
TONIGHT: for the tag team championship - four teams tussle in a TLC match!
So much humanity and so many names they barely fit in this graphic!
"Don't Try This At Home" PSA
"WWF: The Music (Volume 5)" ad
You're watching WWF SmackDown! on UPN!
When we come back, hey! It's Yoshihiro Tajiri! He's saying...something in
Japanese! And bowing a lot. "Young man, please...I don't understand a
bloody word that you're saying, but I think I get the gist of it. Now,
what's your name?" "Tajiri - Tajiri." "Tie-jiri?" "Tajiri." "Tajiri?"
"Yes. HI!" "Now, look - I get the gist of it, you want to be a WWF
superstar. But you can't just come to the WWF and expect it - to achieve
superstar status. I mean, I've seen you compete and you're
incredible...but let me give you some advice. What's your name again?"
"Tajiri." "What?" "My - name - Tajiri - Tajiri." "Pleasant - wonderful."
"(Japanese) - Tajiri." "Look - let me give you some advice. The best way
that you need to get on in the WWF, you - you have to pay some dues, and
so...you need to be friends with the commissioner." "Yes - (Japanese)"
"Yes. No need for that. We need to be friends, so...if you do things for
me, I can do things for you and your rise to superstardom will be a lot
quicker, won't it?" "(Japanese) HI! Yes!" "Look, please - first thing -
you don't need to keep bowing all the time - very stereotypical - you know,
we don't have that kind of thing, racial stereotypes here in the WWF, we
just won't allow it. So please - you can start doing things for me - go
and fetch my tea and crumpets." "Yes - HI!" "Yes, tea and crumpets, ye--
I told you no need for that - tea and crumpets, please, go and get it."
"(something else in Japanese)" Tajiri continues to bow on his way out.
Let Us Take You Back to RAW, where Kurt Angle's Olympic recreation was
interrupted...here comes da money - one Olympic Slam later, Shane was
singing a different tune. This led to an apology from Vince, an
intercontinental shot for Angle, which was (probably not but for the
purposes of this clip package) foiled by that same Shane.
Kurt Angle is WALKING! He asks Jonathan Coachman if he's seen Shane or if
he's scheduled to be here, reminding him that to lie to him is to
"essentially lie to America." Alas, even with that burden Coach *still*
hasn't seen Shane.
Meanwhile, Spike tries again to tell his half-brothers that Molly isn't to
blame for Monday - and again, D-Von tells him that she had the bell,
Hardcore got the bell, and therefore she's going through a table. Besides,
they've got more important things to worry about tonight - the TLC match.
Bubba Ray: "Spike, when are you gonna get it through your head that you
cannot trust that backstabbing little b--" "HEY! I really care about her.
Don't TALK about her like that." "D-Von, let's go find some tables."
"Fine - I'll go hang out with Molly!"
WWF Fanatic Series - "the Best of WrestleMania 1-17" ad
Mick Foley eats Big Beefaroni!
You're watching WWF SmackDown! - STILL! - on UPN - STILL!
And now the RC Cola Rewind! From RAW, Molly doesn't have much luck keeping
a table AND a bell from getting into play in the match between the Hollys
and the Dudleyz
Molly is accosted by Kurt Angle - she hasn't seen Shane either. "Just a
reminder. I broke your cousin's arm once, so there's no telling what I'll
do to you if you're lying to me." "Hey, are ya deaf? I said I haven't
seen him. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm waiting for someone." "Oh that's
right, you're waiting on Spike Dudley. THAT'S a hoot! Well listen here
Missy, this isn't the prom - it's the World Wrestling Federation. And as a
former WWF Champion, I say go make yourself useful and find Shane McMahon
instead of wasting your time waitin' on some ugly inbred wrestler wannabe
like Spike Dudley." "Hey, you can't talk about Spike like that!" "Oh
yeah, what are you gonna do about it?" Here comes Spike - "HEY! Leave my
girlfriend alone." Check Molly's face at the drop of the magic word.
"Hey, I wasn't even talking to you. You say out of this. Listen, if you
see Shane--" "HEY! I said leave my girlfriend alone!" "What is this,
Saved by the Bell? Listen, Spike - I'm in a bad enough mood as it is. So
if you wanna meet me in the ring, I'll be in the ring, I'll meet you later
on tonight." "Later?" "Yeah." "Why later? Why don't we do it right
now?" "Whoa. You're challenging me - YOU are challenging ME, Kurt Angle."
"Yeah, I'll challenge you - I'll even lead the way." Molly, stay here - I
got some business." Off he goes. "He's kiddin', right? This could be
GREAT." "C'mon, Kurt!" ...and we follow them out alongside the stage...
...out through the crowd...and into the ring. Spike makes the "chicken"
pantomime as the crowd works an "Angle Sux" chant. Angle expresses
surprise, then laughs...then slowly enters the ring. Mike Chioda is out...
SPIKE DAMN DUDLEY (already in the ring) v. KING KURT ANGLE (already in the
ring) - Spike ducks the swing, and SLAPS him. Outside the ring we go - the
chase is on - there's one lap - back in - Spike off the ropes with a
baseball slide dropkick that takes Angle out before he can completely roll
in. Spike back out - tries an apron dive, but he's caught - BIG
BELLY-TO-BELLY OVERHEAD RELEASE SUPLEX ON THE FLOOR. Back in - Angle with
a right. Another big right. Word on the street is Angle sucks - at least,
from this crowd that's what I'm getting. Stomp, stomp, stomp, stomp.
Death suplex. Stomp, stomp in the head, handful of hair - another big
death suplex. Wooo! Dudley rolls outside and attempts to catch his wind.
Angle is slowly out after him. Head to the barricade. Vertical suplex -
make that a front suplex, folding him in half over the barricade. Whip
across the floor into the barricade. Head to the STEEL steps - and again.
One more head to the steps. Angle helps him up the steps - and rams his
head into the post. OLYMPIC SLAM OFF THE STEPS TO THE FLOOR!! Chioda
should *really* go back in the ring and start counting them out. Oh well,
they're FINALLY back in. That's TWO Olympic Slams! But Angle isn't
finished - there's the anglelock! All Spike can do is tap. (3:35) Angle
refuses to break the hold - bringing out MOLLY HOLLY - surely *she's* not
gonna...well, no she isn't, as CRASH & KOOL MOE DEE pull her out of the
ring. Angle says "Hey Molly - watch this" - and then reapplies the
anklelock - snapping his leg. Hardcore & Crash hold Molly back - then
carry her up the ramp. Play Angle's music!
"Tough Enough" ad
Jakks Pacific WWF Hardcore Ring (and Finishing Moves Figures With Nineteen
Points of Articulation) ad
For the third time, you're watching WWF SmackDown! On UPN!
In the locker room, Angle seems pretty pleased with himself. LILIAN GARCIA
catches up to him and asks him about that. "Am I proud? Let me tell you
something, Lilian. I'm proud to be an American. I'm proud to be an
Olympic champion. And I'm DAMN proud of what I did to Spike Dudley. And
after what Shane McMahon dared to do to me last Monday night on RAW -
ruining my Olympic victory ceremony and costing me the intercontinental
title against Kane - well Vince McMahon gave me the green light. And I'm
gonna be damn proud to snap Shane's ankle in two. Now get outta here. Get
DEAN MALENKO IS NO JAMES BOND (with Perry & Terri) v. CAW CAW CAW (with
"WWF: the Music [Volume 5]" CD cover) - lockup, side headlock by Malenko,
chain wrestling, reversal by Raven, back elbow by Malenko, drop toehold by
Raven. Armdrag takeover, right hand, Malenko to the eyes. Kick, kick,
into the ropes, reversal, big hip toss by Raven. Into the ropes again, big
back body drop. Trying for the Evenflow already but Malenko shoves out of
the attempt. Malenko pulls Raven into the turnbuckle. Nice dropkick.
Malenko with a...hmm, trying to bend the calf in a direction it doesn't
normally go. Raven grabs the rope and referee "Blind" Jack Doan forces
Malenko to break it - Malenko finally breaks the hold, but not before
kicking the back of the leg. Another kick to the back of the knee. Off
the ropes - and clips the knee. I think we can say that Malenko has picked
a body part. Malenko back to work - kneedrop on the knee - pulling back on
the foot - Raven tries punches, but Malenko keeps that hold on. Whip into
the corner, but Raven manages to reverse it, then hobble off the ropes with
a clothesline! Kneelift - shot for Saturn, who put a chair in the ring
(which Doan actually STANDS ON instead of kicking it to the floor - oh my)
- Malenko right, right, right, into the opposit corner is reversed, Raven
hits the bulldog. Terri up on the apron, which means Saturn is going to
prevent the Evenflow AGAIN - BIG neckbreaker - Malenko up and over into the
bridge - 1, 2, 3. (2:32) Saturn in to stomp and knee Raven, chase Doan
away - back to Raven, who punches back - right, right, right, right, right
for Malenko, right, Saturn with an elbow in the back - Malenko has the
chair - Raven ducks Saturn's superkick which hits the chair - and Malenko's
head! Raven over with a gutshot - and the Evenflow (C'mon, call it "the
Raven Effect" already) on the chair!! Play his music (even though he still
lost)! Replay confirms it: Raven lost....though he did DDT Saturn. Looks
like Saturn's still out - the EMT's are checking on him in the ring...
In a dressing room, Steve Blackman is working out with his kendo stick.
Trish Stratus comes in - since they're partners tonight, she figured she'd
come hang out with them and they can get ready together. "Well THIS is the
guy's dressing room." "That's why I had the screen put up. Don't worry,
it'll be fine - you do your...stick thing and I'll go get ready." Did
Trish ALSO have that bright, bright light put behind that screen as well?
Blackman goes back to work...but then becomes more interested in the
silhouette - then he drops his stick. Ho ho!
Meanwhile, 2Xtreme are TALKING!
Meanwhile, Steve Austin is WALKING!
"WWF Magazine" ad - I wonder if THEY'RE looking for writers
KMAX actually *airs* Sacramento minor league baseball games? Hahahahaha -
the Las Vegas 51's - hahahahaha - and there's an alien - hahaha - sheesh,
minor league baseball is NOT for watching on TV - it's for watching IN
PERSON! (Support the Modesto A's - take a trip out to John Thurman Field!)
And now the Whack of the Night! From RAW, Taker promises problems for
Austin if he ever involves his family again - followed by Austin telling
Debra that he was THIS close to kickin' his ass, except she was right there
Meanwhile, Trish is STILL dressing - she asks Blackman to help her with a
button - behind the screen, Blackman pokes her with his (kendo) stick.
"Wow, that's gigantic!" In comes Sexay to look agog at the shadowplay
afor'im. "Yeah well, you should see when I beat people over the head with
it?" "Can I hold it?" "I don't see why not." "It's so hard!" and so on.
Sexay should feud with Regal in a "facial expressions" matchup
And now MY NAME IS STONE COLD STEVE AUSTIN DOT COM is out to show off his
championship belt to anybody, if only they'll look. "I came out here to
talk about a few problems I got goin' on in my life - if I could have your
attention for just one second, I could start....first off, I need you to
shut your (beep) up - I got a sore throat and I can't talk very loud.
Here's the thing, I gotta sore throat - I'm not ASKING you to shut your
(beep) up, I'm TELLING you to shut your (beep) up. Last Monday night, last
Monday night in a freak accident, a fluke - don't you dare get too close to
me - Stone Cold Steve Austin was layin' flat on his back, looking up the
lights, while the referee counted one, two, three. That meant the end of
an era - Stone Cold Steve Austin and Triple H ain't the world tag team
champions no more. One of the biggest problems I got with that is that
Stone Cold Steve Austin got beat by Chris Jericho. Hey - my name is Stone
Cold Steve Austin and I don't deserve to be beaten by Chris Jericho - that
man doesn't belong in the same arena with me, much less the same buildin'!
The reason that I'm no longer part of the World Wrestling Federation tag
team champions is because of one man... ["Ass hole!"] If you continue to
call me (beep), I will turn around and walk right out of here." "Ass
hole!" Austin ACTUALLY takes his belt - and LEAVES! No, wait - he's
stopping. "No no no, I think I changed my mind." HA HA AUSTIN RULES
"Like I was saying, the reason that I'm no longer the World Wrestling
Federation tag team champions is because of Triple H - the man that calls
himself the Game - the man that says he is That Damn Good - the man that
looked me right in my eyes and said 'Stone Cold, I do not make mistakes.'
The reason we lost is because Triple H is extremely selfish. I was right
there in the middle of the ring, Chris Jericho had me tangled up in a
Liontamer (!) - right - right when I was about to countermove the Liontamer
and...hit him with a Stunner, Triple H comes in and interferes. That was
one act of selfishness - then, right after Jericho hit me with a Lionsault,
I was about to kick out, and the man that makes no mistakes comes in here
and BAM! hits Stone Cold Steve Austin right in the belly with a
sledgehammer. Hey, I'll admit I am one tough son of a buck, but even St-
and I'm tougher than anybody in this damn buildin' - even Stone Cold Steve
Austin couldn't survive the sledgehammer - so Triple H, with your little
leg injury, I think you deserve exactly what you had comin'..."
At this point, and unbeknownst to me until later, my parents' VCR
completely crapped out and shut down. It MUST be a sign, Rick.
Fortunately, I picked off most of this during the show. Anyway, you get
below what I originally typed in real time, along with my best
paraphrase/memory in brackets...
"...I really don't give a rat's (beep) about you. I care about me because
my name is Stone Cold Steve Austin and I am the World Wrestling Federation
champion. Okay, okay, okay. The other problem I got - the other problem I
got is Security [...last Sunday at Judgment Day] I done did exactly what I
said I was gonna do - BAM - [I whooped his ass and beat him 1, 2, 3, but
the next night he barges in on me and my wife] and says 'it ain't over 'til
I SAY it's over...' Eh eh! It's over because Stone Cold Steve Austin SAYS
it's over! Oh yeah yeah yeah, that's right, you do not THREATEN Stone Cold
Steve Austin, you do not threaten Stone Cold Steve Austin, that's something
you just don't do. Now, now that I feel like I cleansed myself and I got
that out of my system, we can go on talking about Stone Cold Steve Austin,
the World Wrestling Federation champion! This belt is mine - this belt is
mine - I am a fighting champion - I am a man's man - I am a champion of
champions, and I will put this belt on the line! Listen to me - listen to
me because this is extremely important. I will put this belt on the line
[to anybody in the back...I will put this belt on the line] but I just
won't do it tonight in this piece of crap town...no no no, I won't do it in
this piece of crap town, because you don't deserve to see Stone Cold Steve
Austin in action, and that's all I got to say about that." "Jesus Christ
Superstar" plays....no, wait, that's "Step Up" again. Never mind.
Wow, you know I must be a faster typist than I give myself credit for. If
anybody HAS a copy of this show they could offer to me, I'd be happy to fix
it up later.
TONIGHT: Tables, Ladders, Chairs, oh why
"Foley is Good" ad
"Foley is Good," by the way, hits #1 on the New York Times bestseller
Tajiri delivers the tea and crumpets - and the TV-PG-DLV ratings box...
Regal is pleased with what he's been delivered. In comes Rhyno (causing
Tajiri to hide behind Regal's chair) - he wants a return bout for the
hardcore title. Regal says sorry, but there'll be no hardcore match
tonight. Rhyno says, okay, then he wants a WWF Championship match against
Austin. Regal says Austin just said although he would defend the title any
time, any place, he wouldn't defend it here, so no. Rhyno won't be denied
a shot at the gold - he asks for a match with Kane. Regal asks if he's
entirely sane, then happily agrees. Then I think may he said something
funny about Rhyno to Tajiri, but NEVER BUY A SONY VCR IF YOU ACTUALLY
WANTED TO KNOW
GRAND MASTER SEXAY & MR. PARTY TIME & TRISH STRATUS - THE FITNESS MODEL
(with "WWF: The Music" Volume 5 CD cover & Heat hype - Sexay & Blackman
host!) v. GOODFATHER & WALL BUCHANAN & IVORY (righttocensor.com) in hot and
steamy intergender action - Buchanan and Blackman lock up - Buchanan...
oops, at this point I decided I wanted to just *watch* this match instead
of calling play-by-play, and go back and use the tape later to fill in this
gap - see? I really DO like watching Blackman! Unfortunately, since I
*have* no tape of this match, all I can offer you are the notes I made
during the match, which consist solely of "Man, Goodfather looks extra
creepy without a mustache" and "CATFIGHT! CATFIGHT! CATFIGHT!" Tell you
what, pretend Scott was calling this match, so you won't even *notice* I
haven't called a single move. From memory, I *can* tell you that the
finish sees Blackman take the scissors kick while everyone (including ref
"Blind" Whoever It Was - Teddy Long, I think) was distracted with the fact
that Trish's hot pants were SERIOUSLY riding up - but fortunately, Sexay
comes to his senses first, hitting the Hip Hop Drop on a covering Buchanan,
then putting Blackman on top of the pile to take the pinfall. (3:55)
Yeah, they even play Blackman's music! Of course, Sexay can't dance to
that...and he *does* have a pair of glasses...for Trish. 'American Males"
clap - and NOW IS THE TIME ON SPROCKETS WHEN WE DANCE! (or point to the
guy who *is* dancing) Trish even hits a W O R M and I think we're ALL in
Backstage, KEVIN "NAILZ" KELLY asks Dean and Terri how Saturn is doing.
All these blows to the head - all they can do is wait. At this point,
Saturn emerges from the trainer's room. My God, how is he? "Bunnies eat
radishes so they can have babies. You're welcome!" Wait a minute. Let me
go back and make sure I got that down right. Hmmm, I have no tape. But
I'm pretty sure I did. At least I HOPE I did - otherwise I've already
gotten a hundred emails correcting me
Jakks Pacific Whatever I Typed Above ad #2 - golly, I sure hope I don't
have to come up with ANOTHER three ways of saying this later! What? You
do, too? You know, you won't be so CAVALIER with my feelings when you find
out I'm GONE
Wow, the Rivercats sure are big in Sacramento - or they're really, REALLY
starved for sports now that the Kings are done
And now, the Burn of the Week, brought to you by Stacker 2! From
WrestleMania, Jeff Hardy takes a spear from the ladder - will we see that
Here's a look at the exterior of the Pond
Yo! B-REAL in the house!
Lilian Garcia stands with Edge & Christian. Are they nervous? Of course
they're *not*! Everyone has something that they do well - in Lilian's
case, it's asking stupid questions, and in their case, it's winning the big
matches - they rattle off TLC, TLC2, and the WrestleMania ladder match.
There was a reason Mr. McMahon came to them - they're the best team to get
the titles off of Jericho & Benoit. Edge predicts victorocity (or
something I've already forgotten - sorry) and as they walk off, Garcia
gives us her "I'm freakin' bilingual and I *still* didn't understand you"
WWF INTERKANETINENTAL CHAMPIONSHIP: KANE (with SmackDown! is brought to you
by Stacker 2, RC cola, and Chef Boyardee Overstuffed Ravioli!) v. RHYNO THE
MAN BEAST - Rhyno ducks a swing and lands a right. Daring him to do it
again - duck, gutshot, right. Still telling him to bring it on - trying a
waistlock, but Kane pops him in the back. Right, right, kick, right, knee,
right. Hard whip into the opposite corner - sidewalk slam out. Kane
outside - looks like he's going up top for that flying clothesline. 1, 2,
Rhyno kicks out. Scoop...Rhyno down the back, shoving him in the corner,
and spearing him in the back. Another spear in the back. Going for a
third...but Kane FLATTENS him with a clothesline instead. 1, 2, NO!
Double Feature of Kane folding up Rhyno with the clothesline. Rhyno
somehow fights back... kick, kick, forearm. Off the ropes, big clothesline
pops Kane. Cover - 2! Right, Kane with a right, right, kick by Rhyno,
Kane put in the corner, another big shoulder to the gut by Rhyno. Forearm
in the back. Sitting on his back, and now Rhyno hits the chinlock. Kane
rises up with Rhyno on his shoulders - and falls back in the electric
chair! (Tazz even calls it the electric chair! Holy shit!) Rhyno up on
Kane's shoulder - big running powerslam. Cover - but *again* Rhyno kicks
out at 2! Rhyno has one more flurry left in him, but all for naught as
Kane catches him in a choke as he comes off the ropes. Kane's got him up -
and down - CHOKESLAM!! 1, 2, 3! (4:14)
In the locker room, Benoit and Jericho pump each other up again. Nobody
expected them to win, yet at the end of their match on RAW, they walked out
WWF Champions. Some people didn't think they were worthy - hell, some were
saying it was a damn miracle. Tonight, not only are they facing one of the
best teams in the WWF, we're facing *three* of the best teams in the WWF.
With the belts suspended up in the air, it's time to.... sorry. Really,
I'm very sorry. I don't have it. They end up touching fists, and Jericho
slaps him in the chest again.
"Tough Enough" ad #2 - coming to MTV 21 June! (Wait a minute...isn't that
a Thursday? HMMMM)
Jakks Pacific Staryu imitators ad #3 (HYAH!)
Oh man...Mario Party 3... I WANT IT (and also, three friends to play against)
WWF Shop Zone dot com ad
The belts are hanging high and the "cage lowering" music is playing - just
ignore that there's no cage, okay? Here's a look at the tables - here's a
look at the ladders - here's a look at the chairs
WWF TAG TEAM CHAMPIONSHIP: WWFHARDYS.COM (with wwf.com logo) v.
WWFDUDLEYBOYZ.COM v. WWFEDGECHRISTIAN.COM v.
BETTERGETTHISBENOITGUYAWEBSITESOON.COM & THISJERICHOGUYTOO.COM in a TLC
match - Is it just me or is there a half hour left in this show? I mean,
sure, five entrances will eat up three minutes, but...oh, I get it. It's
time for another super long... ad break!
WWF TAG TEAM CHAMPIONSHIPS: HARDY BOYZ v. THOSE DAMN DUDLEYZ v. EDGE &
CHRISTIAN v. CHRIS BENOIT & CHRIS THURSDAY JERICHO in a tables, ladders and
chairs match - HERE WE GO: Pier Eight Brawl (natch) starts us off - more
like six on two as the champs take a tripleteam in adjacent corners. Now
the Dudleyz and Hardys work the champs over as Edge & Christian try to
sneak in a ladder and grab the belts - the others figure out what's up and
pull them off. Looks like the Dudleyz and Hardys have already broken their
alliance down. Matt into the ropes, big jumpin' back elbow from D-Von.
Bubba Ray on Jeff - I was supposed to type something here, but without a
tape I can't remember what happened next. What I *do* have next is that
Bubba Ray is put in a corner - Matt folds up the ladder and just THROWS it
at Bubba Ray. D-Von put in an adjacent corner for Poetry in Motion - now
going for it on Bubba Ray, but they must have forgotten that ladder was
there - Bubba Ray didn't; he tosses the ladder RIGHT at Jeff while he's in
midair! It connects, and that'll stop him for a while. Jericho and Benoit
have recovered and toss both Dudleyz. Double Feature of Jeff meeting the
ladder. Jericho puts *another* ladder on the top turnbuckle, then he and
Benoit whip D-Von into it. Edge and Christian back in and putting the
boots to the champions. They have a ladder - there's a ladder clothesline
for Benoit. Crowd wants tables - can't they just be happy with ladders?
Jericho put into the ropes - double drop toehold into a ladder corner
straddling the bottom ropes! Edge and Christian set the ladder up again -
but Matt powerbombs Christian off the ladder, then climbs up to meet Edge -
they trade punches until Benoit upends the ladder, hot shotting both men
off as they tangle in the top rope! Bubba Ray back in, pulling Benoit out
- it's a big brawl on the outside - Jericho has Matt on a table, but Jeff
is over to pull him away - Benoit made it back up to the top - going for
the SPLASH but Matt isn't there! Benoit THROUGH the table!! Back in the
ring where Jeff and Jericho are each setting up a ladder underneath the
belts. Bubba Ray climbing the opposite side of Jericho's ladder - D-Von up
the opposite side of Hardy's...Hardy shoves D-Von off the ladder into the
ring - Jericho and Bubba Ray each fall off their ladder about the same
time. Double Feature of Benoit's splash - looks like he's STILL out cold.
Tazz leaves the commentary table to check on Benoit - and calls out for
some help. The EMT's are out - Tazz says it may be his ribs. TONY GAREA
helps get Benoit on a stretcher as we take a third look at Benoit's missed
table splash. Benoit is wheeled up the ramp...and we take an ad break. I
guess there's nothing much going on in the ring, yuk yuk.
Jakks Pacific ad #4 - but that's a BOXING ring - I know, I know
WWF SmackDown! returns in a moment on UPN!
When we come back (and this ad break was about four minutes), we look back
to the ring, where Edge is pulling himself up using the ladder - climbing
up very slowly...rung by damn rung (as the Rock would say) - Jericho up
from behind - Edge now placed atop BOTH ladders, stomach down - Jericho
just BEATING on him - and now - WALLS OF JERICHO (or Liontamer, as Stone
Cold Steve Austin would say) on the ladders!! Christian up to save his
partner - shoving Jericho off and making sure he hits Snake Eyes on the way
down. They reach - but the other four men are over - Christian was
supposed to crotch himself on the top rope but misses it completely,
SPALTTING on the floor. Edge *does* crotch himself as planned. Hardyz and
Dudleyz on either side of two ladders...now brawling atop the ladders -
whoa, D-Von has Matt - *hiptoss* from the ladder to the ring! Bubba Ray,
meanwhile, has removed Jeff's shirt SQUEAL to lay in some slaps - and
there's a big suplex off the ladder to the ring! Replay of Jericho's Snake
Eyes, Christian sailing to the floor, Edge crotching himself, and Bubba Ray
hitting the suplex. Nobody's moving...except....Benoit is gutting it out
and walking back to the ring!! Benoit sets up one ladder underneath the
belts...he's all alone...no, Edge pulls him off - Benoit chops Edge, chops
Christian, chops Edge, chops Christian, making a good show of it but he's
one and they're two. Benoit's down and a doubleteam stomp is in full
effect. While Edge goes for the hardware, Christian is *continuing* to
stomp on those damaged ribs, each stomp like a knife, stabbing at those
ribs. And now each man has a chair...and swinging...to each side of the
ribs! Back in the ring come the Dudleyz, who take over. Christian is
tossed, Edge gets the Bubba Ray scoop slam...well, why not take a break
from all this action and hit "What Are You Doing?" D-Von goes ahead and
hits the Testify Dance, and Bubba Ray goes ahead and asks D-Von if he'd
mind finding something in the neighborhood of a table. While he does so,
let's take a replay of Benoit's chairshots. Table in the ring - but
Jericho is in as well - with a chair to Bubba Ray's back! I missed another
move or three, next thing I have is Christian back up with a WHACK to
Jericho's head! Christian staggers about - what to do next? That's right
- take a replay of Christian's chairshot on Jericho. All these replays
work wonders for editing a match to time, you know. When we're back to
real-time, Christian has Bubba Ray on the table - and a ladder in the
corner. What's he gonna do? D-Von up and over to meet him in the corner -
right, right - NO - NO - YES!! IT'S A 3D (Dudley Death Drop) OFF THE
LADDER AND THROUGH THE TABLE!! Korderas and White come in to check on
Christian as we get a Double Feature. Unfortunatley for him, while Bubba
Ray watches, his back is to the Hardyz - they pull him outside and take him
down - now Jeff is working on Bubba Ray while Matt is redecorating the
commentary table, removing the top...and then the monitors. Now Jeff has
one of those Super (tall) Ladders, which is set up alongside the
commentators. Matt asks Bubba Ray if he'd like a chair - WHACK! Jeff sets
up a regular ladder perpendicular to the Super Ladder, climbs and stands
atop it - boosting himself OVER the Super Ladder and into a double legdrop
on Bubba Ray, completely taking out the commentary table! Double Feature
provides three angles. Back in the centre of the ring, D-Von up, Matt up
right beside him - D-Von punching, Matt punching, Matt getting the upper
hand with lefts - and a *Twist of Fate* from the ladder to the ring! D-Von
twitches OLD SCHOOL STYLE while Matt isn't feeling much better. Replay
from the ceilingcam of the Twist of Fate - wow. Matt is back up - Matt is
climbing - Jericho is back in the ring and HE'S got a chair - Matt kicks
Jericho away, but he bounces off the ropes and shouldertackles the ladder,
putting Matt down, into the ropes, and to the floor! Jericho uses
everything he's got to muscle the ladder upright - but it isn't underneath
the belts - it's nearer the edge - in the corner, another ladder and Edge
is climbing - it's a SPEAR to the ring! Double Feature provides two
angles. Jericho and Christian rolling around in the ring - *and Benoit is
back up!* Benoit moves a ladder underneath the titles - one rung - two
rungs - three rungs - the crowd getting louder with each step - he needs
one more rung - climbing up - grabbing the belt - touching it - grabbing it
- und oing it - and HE'S GOT 'EM!!! CHAMPS RETAIN! (6:08 + 12:54) Replay
of Benoit breaking his ribs (two angles) as well as the Rib Conchairto but
when we come back to real-time, he's not suffering any more blows -
instead, our shot is Jericho and Benoit on a ladder, each man with a belt
raised high. That's two shows... and two great final shots of the
victorious World Wrestling Federation tag team champions to close out the
show. All things considered, I think I have to say it's been a good week.
Two weeks from now, of course, that'll look like the most ironic thing I've
Christopher Robin Zimmerman