THIS version of this show's report wouldn't have been possible without
Aaron Humphreys! Thanks so much for letting me have a tape, Aaron!
Barely Legal '97 will soon hit your mailbox! (Also, when it seems strange
why I switch from KMAX jokes to WAOE jokes...well, there you go.)
If you get REALLY bored, the original version of this report will now be
linked at http://slashwrestling.com/smackdown/0105240.html instead.
BLATANT PLUG: You like comix, so after you're done here, go visit pffft.net! They told me that if I plugged
them at the top of the column my chances of a four-way sexual encounter
with them would SKYROCKET (and yet - a *thousand* times zero is *still*
zero) Be sure to look out for my brother, slyly hidden amongst the
artist's renderings, too!
UPN - Thursday!
TV-PG-DLV - One World Leader Attitude - WWF!
Let Us Take You Back to RAW to enjoy the saga of Austin and Triple H - and
Benoit and Jericho - man, if you've been missing these shows, you have been
missing OUT. Fortunately for you, reports are still available - enjoy them
while you can
Opening Credits/close captioned logo
GOT PYRO? Coming to you from the Arrowhead Pond of Anaheim (CA), this is
WWF SMACKDOWN! Transmitido en espanol SAP and airing 24.5.1 (but taped
22.5) on the United Paramount Network (and the Score), let's get this party
BILLIONAIRE VINCE is our first man out - and I think he just *may* have
something to say to us. "Tonight, I promise you - no, wait a minute I'm
not gonna promise you - tonight I guarantee you an historic night of World
Wrestling Federation action here in Anaheim, California! And you might say
that history was made last Monday - more specifically - let's face it, it
was a MIRACLE that Benoit and Jericho became tag team champions. It was a
miracle that Benoit and Jericho defeated Stone Cold Steve Austin and Triple
H. And speaking of Triple H, due to the intensity of that tag team title
matchup, unfortunately, Triple H suffered a severe leg injury. Triple H's
quadracep was just about sliced in two. Triple H is gonna be out of action
for some four to six months! How bloodthirsty ARE you people?! So now,
I'm not a vindictive man; however, I would suggest to you that the tag team
championship reign of Benoit and Jericho is likely to be a little
abbreviated. Because tonight, right here In That Very Ring, there will be
a tag team championship matchup - but just not an ordinary tag team title
match, no. This tag team title match will involve tables, ladders and
chairs! For the first time ever on broadcast television, a TLC tag team
championship match! You'll see the Dudley Boyz - the Dudleyz versus the
Hardys versus Edge & Christian versus Benoit and Jericho. For the first
time in World Wrestling Federation history, there will be four teams in a
TLC matchup. My only hope is that all of you enjoy this TLC tag team title
match as much as I will, Stone Cold will, and Triple H will. And I leave
you with this parting thought. I would suggest to you that Benoit and
Jericho are fresh out of miracles. Thank you very much."
Your hosts are MICHAEL KING COLE & TAZZZZZZZZZZZ. No ad break yet! Let's
go straight to
X-PACTOR (by his damn self - with Let Us Take You Back to Monday) v. EDDIE
GUERRERO (with wwf.com logo) - Apparently, these two agreed to keep all
their chums backstage so as to go one on one. X-Pac points, Guerrero
shoves. This is a feeling out process! Lockup, no, knee by Guerrero,
right, right, right, into the ropes, reversed, back to back over the top,
ducks a kick, tilt-a-whirl backbreaker, 2! Wow, referee "Blind" Earl
Hebner not in the main event? Gutshot by Guerrero, right, European
uppercut, another, into the ropes, reversed, Guerrero with a forearm in the
back, DDT, 2. Off the ropes, X-Pac ducks the clothesline, "I'm not a
sidekick" side kick puts him down. Arm wringer by 'Pac, Guerrero with
three rights, puts 'Pac in the corner, 'Pac up and on the shoulders, wow a
headscissors takeover puts Guerrero outside! X-Pac to the top -
springboard into a plancha to the floor! Give it a Double Feature! Back
in we go - 'Pac puts the head to the buckle, chop, snapmare takeover into
the headlock. Guerrero fights his way back to his feet - elbows to the gut
breaks the hold, Guerrero off the ropes - but into the big "I'm a heel"
heel kick from X-Pac - 1, 2, no. Scoop...and a slam. 'Pac's going up
top...but nobody's home on the somersault senton! Guerrero with
"Iblockyourpunchyoudon'tblockmine," again, right, right, into the ropes,
'Pac up and over, but Guerrero hits a nice dropkick. Scoop slam, and
outside for the trademark slingshot senton. 'Pac put in the corner - steps
aside, though - and there's a big spinning back kick. Skipping into the
broncobuster - but Guerrero's gone! That'll hurt your groin. Both men
down - Guerrero trying to get to the top buckle as we take a Double Feature
of 'Pac's spin kick. X-Pac is up, walking over and lands a BIG Ghetto
Blaster - over the shoulder super X Factor will finish it up. 1, 2, 3.
(4:28) How did X-Pac get so awesome this week?
TONIGHT: for the tag team championship - four teams tussle in a TLC match!
So much humanity and so many names they barely fit in this graphic!
"Don't Try This At Home" PSA
"WWF: The Music (Volume 5)" ad
You're watching WWF SmackDown! on UPN!
When we come back, hey! It's Yoshihiro Tajiri! He's saying...something in
Japanese! And bowing a lot. "Young man, please...I don't understand a
bloody word that you're saying, but I think I get the gist of it. Now,
what's your name?" "Tajiri - Tajiri." "Tie-jiri?" "Tajiri." "Tajiri?"
"Yes. HI!" "Now, look - I get the gist of it, you want to be a WWF
superstar. But you can't just come to the WWF and expect it - to achieve
superstar status. I mean, I've seen you compete and you're
incredible...but let me give you some advice. What's your name again?"
"Tajiri." "What?" "My - name - Tajiri - Tajiri." "Pleasant - wonderful."
"(Japanese) - Tajiri." "Look - let me give you some advice. The best way
that you need to get on in the WWF, you - you have to pay some dues, and
so...you need to be friends with the commissioner." "Yes - (Japanese)"
"Yes. No need for that. We need to be friends, so...if you do things for
me, I can do things for you and your rise to superstardom will be a lot
quicker, won't it?" "(Japanese) HI! Yes!" "Look, please - first thing -
you don't need to keep bowing all the time - very stereotypical - you know,
we don't have that kind of thing, racial stereotypes here in the WWF, we
just won't allow it. So please - you can start doing things for me - go
and fetch my tea and crumpets." "Yes - HI!" "Yes, tea and crumpets, ye--
I told you no need for that - tea and crumpets, please, go and get it."
"(something else in Japanese)" Tajiri continues to bow on his way out.
Let Us Take You Back to RAW, where Kurt Angle's Olympic recreation was
interrupted...here comes da money - one Olympic Slam later, Shane was
singing a different tune. This led to an apology from Vince, an
intercontinental shot for Angle, which was (probably not but for the
purposes of this clip package) foiled by that same Shane.
Kurt Angle is WALKING! He asks Jonathan Coachman if he's seen Shane or if
he's scheduled to be here, reminding him that to lie to him is to
"essentially lie to America." Alas, even with that burden Coach *still*
hasn't seen Shane.
Meanwhile, Spike tries again to tell his half-brothers that Molly isn't to
blame for Monday - and again, D-Von tells him that she had the bell,
Hardcore got the bell, and therefore she's going through a table. Besides,
they've got more important things to worry about tonight - the TLC match.
Bubba Ray: "Spike, when are you gonna get it through your head that you
cannot trust that backstabbing little b--" "HEY! I really care about her.
Don't TALK about her like that." "D-Von, let's go find some tables."
"Fine - I'll go hang out with Molly!"
WWF Fanatic Series - "the Best of WrestleMania 1-17" ad
Mick Foley eats Big Beefaroni!
You're watching WWF SmackDown! - STILL! - on UPN - STILL!
And now the RC Cola Rewind! From RAW, Molly doesn't have much luck keeping
a table AND a bell from getting into play in the match between the Hollys
and the Dudleyz
Molly is accosted by Kurt Angle - she hasn't seen Shane either. "Just a
reminder. I broke your cousin's arm once, so there's no telling what I'll
do to you if you're lying to me." "Hey, are ya deaf? I said I haven't
seen him. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm waiting for someone." "Oh that's
right, you're waiting on Spike Dudley. THAT'S a hoot! Well listen here
Missy, this isn't the prom - it's the World Wrestling Federation. And as a
former WWF Champion, I say go make yourself useful and find Shane McMahon
instead of wasting your time waitin' on some ugly inbred wrestler wannabe
like Spike Dudley." "Hey, you can't talk about Spike like that!" "Oh
yeah, what are you gonna do about it?" Here comes Spike - "HEY! Leave my
girlfriend alone." Check Molly's face at the drop of the magic word.
"Hey, I wasn't even talking to you. You say out of this. Listen, if you
see Shane--" "HEY! I said leave my girlfriend alone!" "What is this,
Saved by the Bell? Listen, Spike - I'm in a bad enough mood as it is. So
if you wanna meet me in the ring, I'll be in the ring, I'll meet you later
on tonight." "Later?" "Yeah." "Why later? Why don't we do it right
now?" "Whoa. You're challenging me - YOU are challenging ME, Kurt Angle."
"Yeah, I'll challenge you - I'll even lead the way." Molly, stay here - I
got some business." Off he goes. "He's kiddin', right? This could be
GREAT." "C'mon, Kurt!" ...and we follow them out alongside the stage...
...out through the crowd...and into the ring. Spike makes the "chicken"
pantomime as the crowd works an "Angle Sux" chant. Angle expresses
surprise, then laughs...then slowly enters the ring. Mike Chioda is out...
SPIKE DAMN DUDLEY (already in the ring) v. KING KURT ANGLE (already in the
ring) - Spike ducks the swing, and SLAPS him. Outside the ring we go - the
chase is on - there's one lap - back in - Spike off the ropes with a
baseball slide dropkick that takes Angle out before he can completely roll
in. Spike back out - tries an apron dive, but he's caught - BIG
BELLY-TO-BELLY OVERHEAD RELEASE SUPLEX ON THE FLOOR. Back in - Angle with
a right. Another big right. Word on the street is Angle sucks - at least,
from this crowd that's what I'm getting. Stomp, stomp, stomp, stomp.
Death suplex. Stomp, stomp in the head, handful of hair - another big
death suplex. Wooo! Dudley rolls outside and attempts to catch his wind.
Angle is slowly out after him. Head to the barricade. Vertical suplex -
make that a front suplex, folding him in half over the barricade. Whip
across the floor into the barricade. Head to the STEEL steps - and again.
One more head to the steps. Angle helps him up the steps - and rams his
head into the post. OLYMPIC SLAM OFF THE STEPS TO THE FLOOR!! Chioda
should *really* go back in the ring and start counting them out. Oh well,
they're FINALLY back in. That's TWO Olympic Slams! But Angle isn't
finished - there's the anglelock! All Spike can do is tap. (3:35) Angle
refuses to break the hold - bringing out MOLLY HOLLY - surely *she's* not
gonna...well, no she isn't, as CRASH & KOOL MOE DEE pull her out of the
ring. Angle says "Hey Molly - watch this" - and then reapplies the
anklelock - snapping his leg. Hardcore & Crash hold Molly back - then
carry her up the ramp. Play Angle's music!
"Tough Enough" ad
Jakks Pacific WWF Hardcore Ring (and Finishing Moves Figures With Nineteen
Points of Articulation) ad
For the third time, you're watching WWF SmackDown! On UPN!
In the locker room, Angle seems pretty pleased with himself. LILIAN GARCIA
catches up to him and asks him about that. "Am I proud? Let me tell you
something, Lilian. I'm proud to be an American. I'm proud to be an
Olympic champion. And I'm DAMN proud of what I did to Spike Dudley. And
after what Shane McMahon dared to do to me last Monday night on RAW -
ruining my Olympic victory ceremony and costing me the intercontinental
title against Kane - well Vince McMahon gave me the green light. And I'm
gonna be damn proud to snap Shane's ankle in two. Now get outta here. Get
DEAN MALENKO IS NO JAMES BOND (with Perry & Terri) v. CAW CAW CAW (with
"WWF: the Music [Volume 5]" CD cover) - lockup, side headlock by Malenko,
chain wrestling, reversal by Raven, back elbow by Malenko, drop toehold by
Raven. Armdrag takeover, right hand, Malenko to the eyes. Kick, kick,
into the ropes, reversal, big hip toss by Raven. Into the ropes again, big
back body drop. Trying for the Evenflow already but Malenko shoves out of
the attempt. Malenko pulls Raven into the turnbuckle. Nice dropkick.
Malenko with a...hmm, trying to bend the calf in a direction it doesn't
normally go. Raven grabs the rope and referee "Blind" Jack Doan forces
Malenko to break it - Malenko finally breaks the hold, but not before
kicking the back of the leg. Another kick to the back of the knee. Off
the ropes - and clips the knee. I think we can say that Malenko has picked
a body part. Malenko back to work - kneedrop on the knee - pulling back on
the foot - Raven tries punches, but Malenko keeps that hold on. Whip into
the corner, but Raven manages to reverse it, then hobble off the ropes with
a clothesline! Kneelift - shot for Saturn, who put a chair in the ring
(which Doan actually STANDS ON instead of kicking it to the floor - oh my)
- Malenko right, right, right, into the opposit corner is reversed, Raven
hits the bulldog. Terri up on the apron, which means Saturn is going to
prevent the Evenflow AGAIN - BIG neckbreaker - Malenko up and over into the
bridge - 1, 2, 3. (2:32) Saturn in to stomp and knee Raven, chase Doan
away - back to Raven, who punches back - right, right, right, right, right
for Malenko, right, Saturn with an elbow in the back - Malenko has the
chair - Raven ducks Saturn's superkick which hits the chair - and Malenko's
head! Raven over with a gutshot - and the Evenflow (C'mon, call it "the
Raven Effect" already) on the chair!! Play his music (even though he still
lost)! Replay confirms it: Raven lost....though he did DDT Saturn. Looks
like Saturn's still out - the EMT's are checking on him in the ring...
In a dressing room, Steve Blackman is working out with his kendo stick.
Trish Stratus comes in - since they're partners tonight, she figured she'd
come hang out with them and they can get ready together. "Well THIS is the
guy's dressing room." "That's why I had the screen put up. Don't worry,
it'll be fine - you do your...stick thing and I'll go get ready." Did
Trish ALSO have that bright, bright light put behind that screen as well?
Blackman goes back to work...but then becomes more interested in the
silhouette - then he drops his stick. Ho ho!
Meanwhile, 2Xtreme are TALKING!
Meanwhile, Steve Austin is WALKING!
"WWF Magazine" ad - I wonder if THEY'RE looking for writers
KMAX actually *airs* Sacramento minor league baseball games? Hahahahaha -
the Las Vegas 51's - hahahahaha - and there's an alien - hahaha - sheesh,
minor league baseball is NOT for watching on TV - it's for watching IN
PERSON! (Support the Modesto A's - take a trip out to John Thurman Field!)
And now the Whack of the Night! From RAW, Taker promises problems for
Austin if he ever involves his family again - followed by Austin telling
Debra that he was THIS close to kickin' his ass, except she was right there
Meanwhile, Trish is STILL dressing - she asks Blackman to help her with a
button - behind the screen, Blackman pokes her with his (kendo) stick.
"Wow, that's gigantic!" In comes Sexay to look agog at the shadowplay
afor'im. "Yeah well, you should see when I beat people over the head with
it?" "Can I hold it?" "I don't see why not." "It's so hard!" and so on.
Sexay should feud with Regal in a "facial expressions" matchup
And now MY NAME IS STONE COLD STEVE AUSTIN DOT COM is out to show off his
championship belt to anybody, if only they'll look. "I came out here to
talk about a few problems I got goin' on in my life - if I could have your
attention for just one second, I could start....first off, I need you to
shut your (beep) up - I got a sore throat and I can't talk very loud.
Here's the thing, I gotta sore throat - I'm not ASKING you to shut your
(beep) up, I'm TELLING you to shut your (beep) up. Last Monday night,
last Monday night in a freak accident, a fluke - don't you dare get too
close to me - Stone Cold Steve Austin was layin' flat on his back, looking
up the lights, while the referee counted one, two, three. That meant the
end of an era - Stone Cold Steve Austin and Triple H ain't the world tag
team champions no more. One of the biggest problems I got with that is
that Stone Cold Steve Austin got beat by Chris Jericho. Hey - my name is
Stone Cold Steve Austin and I don't deserve to be beaten by Chris Jericho
- that man doesn't belong in the same arena with me, much less the same
buildin'! The reason that I'm no longer part of the World Wrestling
Federation tag team champions is because of one man... ["Ass hole!"] If
you continue to call me (beep), I will turn around and walk right out of
here." "Ass hole!" Austin ACTUALLY takes his belt - and LEAVES! No,
wait - he's stopping. "No no no, I think I changed my mind." HA HA
AUSTIN RULES "Like I was saying, the reason that I'm no longer the World
Wrestling Federation tag team champions is because of Triple H - the man
that calls himself the Game - the man that says he is That Damn Good - the
man that looked me right in my eyes and said 'Stone Cold, I do not make
mistakes.' The reason we lost is because Triple H is extremely selfish.
I was right there in the middle of the ring, Chris Jericho had me tangled
up in a Liontamer (!) - right - right when I was about to countermove the
Liontamer and...hit him with a Stunner, Triple H comes in and interferes.
That was one act of selfishness - then, right after Jericho hit me with a
Lionsault, I was about to kick out, and the man that makes no mistakes
comes in here and BAM! hits Stone Cold Steve Austin right in the belly
with a sledgehammer. Hey, I'll admit I am one tough son of a buck, but
even St- and I'm tougher than anybody in this damn buildin' - even Stone
Cold Steve Austin couldn't survive the sledgehammer - so Triple H, with
your little leg injury, I think you deserve exactly what you had comin',
if your little tendon's sheared off, your little ligament popped off your
leg, I really don't give a rat's (beep) about you. I care about me
because my name is Stone Cold Steve Austin and I am the World Wrestling
Federation champion. Okay, okay, okay. The other problem I got - the
other problem I got is with Security - the Undertaker comes in my dressing
room, and I'd already whipped his (beep) at Judgment Day, I done did
exactly what I said I was gonna do - BAM - defeated him 1, 2, 3, and he
barges in my dressing room and he looks me in the eye and says (deep
voice) 'it ain't over 'til I SAY it's over...' Eh eh! It's over because
Stone Cold Steve Austin SAYS it's over! Oh yeah yeah yeah, that's right,
you do not THREATEN Stone Cold Steve Austin, you do not threaten Stone
Cold Steve Austin, that's something ya just don't do. Now, now that I
feel like I've cleansed myself and I got that out of my system.... we can
go on talking about Stone Cold Steve Austin, your World Wrestling
Federation champion! This belt is mine - this belt is mine. I am a
fighting champion - I am a man's man - I am a champion of champions, and I
will put this belt on the line! Listen to me - listen to me because this
is extremely important. I will put this belt on the line to anybody -
anybody back there in the dressing room but I just won't do it tonight in
this piece of crap town...no no no, I won't do it in this piece of crap
town, because you don't deserve to see Stone Cold Steve Austin in action,
and that's all I got to say about that." "Jesus Christ Superstar"
plays....no, wait, that's "Step Up" again. Never mind.
TONIGHT: Tables, Ladders, Chairs, oh why
"Foley is Good" ad
"Foley is Good," by the way, hits #1 on the New York Times bestseller list
Tajiri delivers the tea and crumpets - and the TV-PG-DLV ratings box...
Regal is pleased with what he's been delivered. In comes Rhyno (causing
Tajiri to hide behind Regal's chair) - he wants a return bout for the
hardcore title. Regal says sorry, but there'll be no hardcore match
tonight. Rhyno says, okay, then he wants a WWF Championship match against
Austin. Regal says that Austin just said although he would defend the
title any time, any place, he wouldn't defend it here, so no. Rhyno won't
be denied a shot at the gold - he asks for a match with Kane. Regal asks
if he's entirely sane, then happily agrees. After Rhyno leaves, Regal
tells Tajiri Rhyno's head is so enormous, it looks like "an orange on a
GRAND MASTER SEXAY & MR. PARTY TIME & TRISH STRATUS - THE FITNESS MODEL
(with "WWF: The Music" Volume 5 CD cover & Heat hype - Sexay & Blackman
host!) v. GOODFATHER & WALL BUCHANAN & IVORY (righttocensor.com) in hot
and steamy intergender action - Buchanan and Blackman lock up - Buchanan
with a knee in the gut, forearm in the back, right, right, into the ropes,
Blackman rolls under - Buchanan head fakes away from Blackman's kick, so
he drops down to trip him with a legsweep instead. Blackman right, right,
into the ropes, going for a...Thesz press? Shrug. Buchanan turns it into
an atomic drop, instead. Big clothesline by Bull - scooped up on the
shoulder...Blackman drops down and shoves him into the corner - dropkick
in the back! Ivory decides to tag herself in - Blackman decides to tag
Trish. Ducks Ivory's swing, shoulder into the gut, into the corner -
three times - hiptoss out. Ivory hits the floor and the chase is on as
Stratus follows. Back in the ring, Ivory doesn't let Trish get up,
stomping her in the back as she slides under the bottom rope. Stomp,
stomp, hairmare, forearm in the back. Into the ropes, reversed,
Goodfather gets a blind tag, Stratus ducks Ivory's running
clothesline...but sees Goodfather come in, and stops short. Ivory from
behind with a surprise forearm in the back, and it looks like Goodfather
isn't going to be quite the good sport that Blackman was earlier as he
adjusts his tie. Man, Goodfather looks extra creepy without the mustache!
Fortunately (or unfortunately), Stratus manages to crawl between his legs
to her corner to tag out to Sexay. Ducks the swing, right, right, into
the opposite corner is reversed...but he gets the boot up. On the second
rope, oh yeah dance, leaps over Goodfather's charge and lands on his feet
- Goodfather catches the boot, but Sexay hits the enzuigiri for 2.
Little Running Man there, off the ropes but Goodfather meets him in the
middle and clobbers him down. Rhyno/Kane coming up! Kick, in the corner,
right, right, right, tag to Buchanan, kick, Buchanan with a right, left,
right, left, into the ropes, Sexay ducks the lariat, slides under off the
ropes, gutshot, DDT! Both men are down - HOT TAG TO BLACKMAN! Here he
comes - ducks a swing from Buchanan, thrust kick under the chin, off the
ropes with a jumpin' back elbow, Goodfather in and HE gets a clothesline -
right for Buchanan, Buchanan comes back with a right, right, double into
the ropes, double clothesline DUCKED, Blackman with a split-legged double
dropkick! And now it's all breaking down - Sexay handles Goodfather while
Blackman stays on Buchanan - ducks a right, big spinebuster, rolling over
into a bridge - Ivory breaks THAT up. Here comes Trish. CATFIGHT!
CATFIGHT! CATFIGHT! Of course, referee "Blind" Chad Patton is at the
ready with a quick...well, *attempt* to pull them apart anyway - behind
his back, Buchanan manages a gutshot, and off the ropes with the scissors
kick. That's his move! Buchanan covering but Patton is
still...er...."busy." And here comes Sexay - got the goggles on - top
rope up - HIP HOP DROP! Sexay rolls Blackman on top - 1, 2, 3! (3:55)
Yeah, they even play Blackman's music! Of course, Sexay can't dance to
that...and he *does* have a pair of glasses...for Trish. "American Males"
clap - and NOW IS THE TIME ON SPROCKETS WHEN WE DANCE! (or point to the
guy who *is* dancing) Light up the turnbuckles! Trish even hits a W O R
M and I think we're ALL in big trouble
Backstage, KEVIN "NAILZ" KELLY asks Dean and Terri how Saturn is doing.
All these blows to the head - it doesn't look good...all they can do is
wait and hope for the best. At this point, Saturn emerges from the
trainer's room. My God, how is he? "Bunnies eat radishes so they can
have babies. You're welcome!" Wait a minute. Let me go back and make
sure I got that down right....yep. Your guess is as good as mine...
Jakks Pacific Whatever I Typed Above ad #2 - golly, I sure hope I don't
have to come up with ANOTHER three ways of saying this later! What? You
do, too? You know, you won't be so CAVALIER with my feelings when you find
out I'm GONE
Wow, the Rivercats sure are big in Sacramento - or they're really, REALLY
starved for sports now that the Kings are done
And now, the Burn of the Week, brought to you by Stacker 2! From
WrestleMania, Jeff Hardy takes a spear from the ladder - will we see that
Here's a look at the exterior of the Pond
Yo! B-REAL in the house! Cypress Hill is redoing Tazz' theme?
Lilian Garcia stands with Edge & Christian. Are they nervous? Of course
they're *not*! Everyone has a habit - in Lilian's case, it's asking
stupid questions, SoCal citizens have a habit of being complete
imbeciles...and in their case, it's winning the big matches - they rattle
off TLC, TLC2, and the triple threat ladder match which happened to take
place in this very arena. There was a reason Mr. McMahon came to them -
they're the best team to get the titles off of Jericho & Benoit. Edge
predicts "total victorification" and as they walk off, Garcia gives us her
"I'm freakin' bilingual and I *still* didn't understand you" face
WWF INTERKANETINENTAL CHAMPIONSHIP: KANE (with SmackDown! is brought to
you by Stacker 2, RC cola, and Chef Boyardee Overstuffed Ravioli!) v.
RHYNO THE MAN BEAST - Rhyno ducks a swing and lands a right. Daring him
to do it again - duck, gutshot, right. STILL telling him to bring it on -
trying a waistlock, but Kane pops him in the back. Right, right, kick,
right, elbow, right. Hard whip into the opposite corner - one-armed
sidewalk slam out. Kane outside - looks like he's going up top for that
flying clothesline. 1, 2, Rhyno kicks out. Scoop...Rhyno down the back,
shoving him in the corner, then spearing him in the back. Another big
spear in the back. Going for a third...but Kane FLATTENS him with a
clothesline instead. 1, 2, NO! Kane gives Teddy Long a "you're counting
too slow look" as we check the Double Feature of Kane folding up Rhyno
with the clothesline. Rhyno yanks on the taped arm to regain the
advantage... EIGHT big forearms - kick, kick, forearm. Off the ropes, big
clothesline puts Kane down. Cover - 2! Right, Kane with a right, right,
kick by Rhyno, Kane put in the corner, and *another* big shoulder to the
gut by Rhyno. Forearm in the back. Sitting on Kane's back, and now Rhyno
hits the chinlock. Kane rises up with Rhyno on his shoulders - and falls
back in the electric chair! (Tazz even *calls* it the electric chair!
Holy shit!) Kane with a back elbow as Rhyno STILL gets up. Into the
ropes - big boot from the champion. Picking him up - Rhyno up on Kane's
shoulder - big powerslam. Cover - but *again* Rhyno kicks out at 2!
Rhyno has one more flurry left in him - muscling him over with a death
suplex, running boot to the head, setting up for the gore...but all for
naught as Kane steps aside and lets him hit the post. Waiting for Rhyno
to stagger out...Kane's got him up - and down - CHOKESLAM!! 1, 2, 3!
(4:14) Tazz says he'd like to see this match again. Eh.
In the locker room, Benoit and Jericho pump each other up again. "You
know, Chris - they thought we wouldn't have a chance in hell of winning on
Monday - thought we'd walk out with our heads down, but we walked out WWF
Champions. Some are saying it's a fluke, others we're one-hits wonders -
SOME are saying it was a damn miracle. You know, they stacked the odds
against us Monday, and we overcame them. Well tonight, not only are they
facing one of the best teams in the WWF, we're facing *three* of the best
teams in the WWF. With the belts suspended above the ring, it's their
match, and they're coming after us." "Well, it seems that the odds are
against us, huh? I know you feel the same way - that's the way we like
it. So let's go out there tonight and show them it WASN'T a miracle -
let's show them who the Champions REALLY are. Let's do this, Chris."
They touch fists, and Jericho slaps him in the chest again.
"Tough Enough" ad #2 - coming to MTV 21 June! (Wait a minute...isn't that
a Thursday? HMMMM)
Jakks Pacific Staryu imitators ad #3 (HYAH!)
Oh man...Mario Party 3... I WANT IT (and also, three friends to play against)
WWF Shop Zone dot com ad
The belts are hanging high and the "cage lowering" music is playing - just
ignore that there's no cage, okay? Here's a look at the tables - here's a
look at the ladders - here's a look at the chairs
WWF TAG TEAM CHAMPIONSHIP: WWFHARDYS.COM (with wwf.com logo) v.
WWFDUDLEYBOYZ.COM v. WWFEDGECHRISTIAN.COM v.
BETTERGETTHISBENOITGUYAWEBSITESOON.COM & THISJERICHOGUYTOO.COM in a TLC
match - Is it just me or is there a half hour left in this show? I mean,
sure, five entrances will eat up three minutes, but...oh, I get it. It's
time for another super long... ad break!
WWF TAG TEAM CHAMPIONSHIPS: HARDY BOYZ v. THOSE DAMN DUDLEYZ v. EDGE &
CHRISTIAN v. CHRIS BENOIT & CHRIS THURSDAY JERICHO in a tables, ladders
and chairs match - HERE WE GO: Pier Eight Brawl (natch) starts us off -
more like six on two as the champs take a tripleteam in adjacent corners.
Now the Dudleyz and Hardys work the champs over as Edge & Christian try to
sneak in a ladder and grab the belts - the others figure out what's up and
pull them off. Looks like the Dudleyz and Hardys have already broken
*their* alliance down. Matt into the ropes, big jumpin' back elbow from
D-Von. Bubba Ray on Jeff - second rope senton MISSES! Bubba Ray put into
the corner - Jeff punching away - Matt folds up the ladder and just THROWS
it at Bubba Ray. D-Von put in an adjacent corner for Poetry in Motion -
now going for it on Bubba Ray, but they must have forgotten that ladder
was there - Bubba Ray didn't; he tosses the ladder RIGHT at Jeff while
he's in midair! It connects, and that'll stop him for a while. Jericho
and Benoit have recovered and are back in - while Jericho uses a ladder to
joust Matt and D-Von out of the ring, Benoit suplexes Bubba Ray onto
another ladder! Double Feature of Jeff meeting the ladder. Jericho puts a
ladder on the top turnbuckle, then he and Benoit whip D-Von headfirst into
it. Edge and Christian back in and putting the boots to the champions.
*They* have a ladder - there's a ladder clothesline for Benoit. Crowd
wants tables - can't they just be happy with ladders? Jericho put into the
ropes - double drop toehold into a ladder corner straddling the bottom
ropes! (The Wrestling Zone is coming to the Peoria Civic Center on 2
June! WOW!) Edge and Christian set the ladder up again - but Matt
powerbombs Christian off the ladder, then climbs up to meet Edge - they
trade punches until Benoit upends the ladder, hot shotting both men off as
they tangle in the top rope! Bubba Ray back in, slapping, mauling, and
then pulling Benoit out of the ring - it's a big brawl on the outside -
Jericho has Matt on a table, but Jeff is over to pull him away - Jericho
into the post - meanwhile, Benoit's made it back up to the top - going for
the SPLASH but Matt isn't there! And Benoit goes THROUGH the table!! We
look back in the ring, where Jeff and Jericho are each setting up a ladder
underneath the belts. Bubba Ray climbing the opposite side of Jericho's
ladder - reaching for the belts, but Jericho meets him - D-Von up the
opposite side of Hardy's...Hardy punches D-Von off the ladder into the
ring - Jericho and Bubba Ray take turns punching Hardy off HIS ladder -
then Jericho bulldogs Bubba Ray from the top of the ladder back to the
ring! That took a lot out of both men. Back outside - Double Feature of
Benoit's splash - looks like he's STILL out cold. Tazz leaves the
commentary table to check on Benoit - and calls out for some help. The
EMT's are out - Tazz says it may be his ribs. TONY GAREA helps get Benoit
on a stretcher as we take a third look at Benoit's missed table splash.
Benoit is wheeled up the ramp...and we take an ad break. I guess there's
nothing much going on in the ring, yuk yuk.
Jakks Pacific ad #4 - but that's a BOXING ring - I know, I know
WWF SmackDown! returns in a moment on UPN!
When we come back (and this ad break was just about four minutes), we look
back to the ring, where Edge is pulling himself up using the ladder -
climbing up very slowly...rung by damn rung (as the Rock would say) -
Jericho up from behind with the shots in the back- Edge now placed atop
BOTH ladders, stomach down - Jericho just BEATING on him - and now - WALLS
OF JERICHO (or Liontamer, as Stone Cold Steve Austin would say) on the
ladders!! Christian up to save his partner - shoving Jericho off and
making sure he hits Snake Eyes on the way down. Edge and Christian reach
- but the other four men are over - Christian was supposed to crotch
himself on the top rope but misses it *completely,* SPLATTING on the
floor. Edge *does* crotch himself as planned. Hardyz and Dudleyz on
either side of two ladders...now brawling atop the ladders - whoa, D-Von
has Matt - *hiptoss* from the ladder to the ring! Bubba Ray, meanwhile,
has removed Jeff's shirt SQUEAL to lay in some slaps - and there's a big
suplex OVER the ladder, OFF the ladder and back to the ring! Replay of
Jericho's Snake Eyes, Christian sailing to the floor, Edge crotching
himself, and Bubba Ray hitting that sweet suplex. Nobody's
moving...except....wait! It's *Benoit* gutting it out, walking back to
the ring!! Benoit sets up a single ladder underneath the belts...he's all
alone...no! Edge pulls him off - Benoit chops Edge, chops Christian,
chops Edge, chops Christian, making a good show of it but he's one and
they're two. Benoit and Edge trade punches until Christian attacks from
behind. Benoit's down and a doubleteam stomp is in full effect. While
Edge goes for the hardware, Christian is *continuing* to stomp on those
damaged ribs, each stomp like a knife, stabbing at those ribs. And now
each man has a chair...and swinging...to each side of the ribs! Benoit is
SCREAMING. Back in the ring come the Dudleyz, who take over. Christian
is tossed, Edge gets the Bubba Ray scoop slam...well, why NOT take a break
from all this action to hit "What Are You Doing?" D-Von goes ahead and
hits the Testify Dance, and Bubba Ray goes ahead and asks D-Von if he'd
mind finding something in the neighborhood of a table. While he does so,
let's take a replay of Benoit's chairshots - maybe THIS time Benoit
shouldn't have covered his head. Coming back, table is in the ring - but
Jericho is in as well - with a chair to Bubba Ray's back! Point of the
chair in D-Von's gut, WHACK the back, but Christian is back in with a big
WHACK - chair straight to Jericho's head! Christian staggers about - what
to do next? That's right - take a replay of Christian's chairshot on
Jericho. All these full-screen replays work wonders for editing a match
to time, you know. (Shhh - trade secret) When we're back to real-time,
Christian has Bubba Ray on the table - and a ladder in the corner.
What's he gonna do? D-Von up and over to meet him in the corner - right,
right - NO - NO - YES!! IT'S A 3D (Dudley Death Drop) OFF THE LADDER AND
THROUGH THE TABLE!! Korderas and White come in to check on Christian as
we get a Double Feature. Unfortunatley for him, while Bubba Ray watches,
his back is to the Hardyz - they pull him outside and try to pound him
down - now Jeff is working on Bubba Ray (and losing) while Matt
redecorates with the commentary table, removing the top...and then the
monitors. One monitor for Bubba Ray's head, hello. And now Jeff has one
of those Super (tall) Ladders set up alongside the commentators. Matt
asks Bubba Ray if he'd like a chair - WHACK! Jeff sets up a regular
ladder perpendicular to the Super Ladder, climbs and stands atop it -
boosting himself OVER the Super Ladder and into a double legdrop on Bubba
Ray, completely taking out the commentary table! Matt and Jericho WERE
brawling alongside all this but we've lost sight of 'em. Double Feature
provides three angles of that crazy, crazy move. Back in the centre of
the ring, D-Von up, Matt up right beside him - D-Von punching, Matt
punching, Matt getting the upper hand with a left - and a *Twist of Fate*
from the ladder to the ring! D-Von twitches OLD SCHOOL STYLE... while
Matt isn't feeling much better. Replay from the ceilingcam of the Twist
of Fate - wow. How D-Von didn't end up with a snapped spine is beyond me.
Matt is back up - Matt is climbing - Jericho is back in the ring and HE'S
got a chair - Matt kicks the chair into Jericho - Jericho away, but he
bounces off the ropes and shouldertackles the ladder, putting Matt down,
into the ropes, to the floor! Jericho uses everything he's got to muscle
up that ladder - it's upright - but it isn't underneath the belts - it's
nearer the edge - in the corner remains another ladder and Edge is
climbing it - yes - it's a SPEAR all the way down to the ring! Double
Feature provides two angles. Jericho and Edge STILL rolling around in the
ring - *and Benoit is back up!* Benoit moves a ladder underneath the
titles - one rung - two rungs - three rungs - the crowd getting louder
with each step - he needs one more rung - climbing up - grabbing his ribs
- grabbing *the belts* - touching it - grabbing it - undoing it - and HE'S
GOT 'EM!!! CHAMPS RETAIN! (6:08 + 12:54) Replay of Benoit breaking his
ribs (two angles) as well as the Rib Conchairto but when we come back to
real-time, none of those blows are hurting right now - instead, our shot
is of Jericho and Benoit on either side of a ladder...each man with a belt
raised high. That's two shows... and two great final shots of the
victorious World Wrestling Federation tag team champions to close out the
show. All things considered, I think I have to say it's been a good week.
Two weeks from now, of course, that'll look like the most ironic thing I've
Christopher Robin Zimmerman