I GET LETTERS: Raf Kaplan suggests a quote of the week: I suppose if I
could be bothered to read through other recaps from the Trish-Steph feud
earlier this year I'd probably find even better quotes, but "Your
big-breasted tactics may work with men, but they certainly don't work with
me. Your plastic smile and your fake laugh make me *sick.*" is a fairly
good one at this point in time, considering I was just trying to remember
what happened at the first Raw of the year.
Of course, I'm counting in on this whole "Steph's chest" thing being a
work (ie. no surgery) at least until Summerslam and probably until she
wears a drest which exposes enough cleavage to confirm one way or the
other. But either way, the 'plastic' shots at Trish are looking sort of
You know, I'll bet if there'd been a poll two months ago along the lines
of "what news topic will clog up wrestling message boards the most in the
month leading up to Summerslam, not a single person would have guessed
"Steph McMahon's measurements". If she really DID get the surgery... I
can only say that the mixture of insecurity to take notice of a derogatory
sign in the crowd (memo to Steph- heels get derogatory signs, y'know?),
coupled with apparently having no problem being written as mocked for
getting the surgery done... see, this is why I refuse to buy that
something's no fishy about this. Who said there was nothing educational
in wrestling? THIS is a lesson in psychology!
TV-PG-DLV - One World Leader Attitude - WWF!
Wait a minute - isn't this like, the RAW is WAR opening theme from three
years ago? In any event, it's a new set of Opening Credits...and a new
I GET LETTERS: And now, a VERY special contribution from the Cubs Fan:
Killing some time. So, like, here's the opening sequence for
If I just say someone's name, know that it's one of those black and white
(but not really) flashing shots. Somtimes they use shadows to make only part
of the body visible (in most shots, the left side of the body is completely
obscured), and there are variations where they zoom tight in on the head, or
on the area just around the right eye. Instead of driving myself nutty, the
person is listed once no matter how many different variations they show at
once. Also, the light flickers to create seizuers, I figure. If you've seen
the commericals for the show, you know what I'm talking about.
close up of the logo
close up of the logo
zooming in on the logo
behind and zoomed in on the logo
A sliver of someone's face on the left side of the screen - hard to make out
A similarlly hard to make out body shot of someone.
Jericho's entrance video
the Rock, the first totally visible (and probably not especially shot for
this open) clip
The Rock, watching him from close behind as he walks (to the ring?)
Crowd shot of Rock posing on the ropes (one of the few TV shots used)
Shane yelling to someone, zoomed in shot
Kane beating on DDP, while Mike Awesome waits to be tagged in (house show?
to dark to see the crowd)
Jeff Hardy doing the Swanton Bomb on someone, while Matt Hardy and (I think)
Mike Choita watch on.
Lights and maybe part of the logo
Undertaker chokeslamming Awesome. (Part of that last match?)
Undertaker chokeslamming DDP. (Part of that last match?)
Undertaker's arm, reaching of for a tag (see above)
Rhyno (w/ECW shirt) beating on someone in the near corner while a fight goes
in on the far corner.
Two torso and heads fighting, with the owners of those body parts not being
Matt Hardy's head doing the pre-legdrop yell
Albert's head yelling
Booker T, getting an Olympic Slam from Kurt Angle
Faarooq clotheslining Chuck Palumbo
Chris Jericho flying onto someone we can't see
Chris Jericho feeling pain in the corner.
Lita coming off the top rope and on to Bubba Ray Dudley for a 'rana
D-Von Dudley going somewhere.
Bradshaw, I think, in pain.
Triple H, back towards us, during his entrance.
Booker T hitting someone with a dropkick on RAW.
Jeff Hardy hitting D-Von Dudley with the corkscrew moonsault.
The Dudleyz giving someone the Wazzup headbutt.
Kane setting of his fireworks
A view of Kane's entrance from the top of the ramp on RAW.
Bradshaw, I think. Tough to tell - could be X-Pac, maybe.
Triple H, during his entrance.
Austin - zoom in to his eyeball to lead to
the Smackdown logo.
:25 seconds, 69 different images (not including all the zoom variations)
makes it really hard for any image to stick for that long. Quite a few were
just a couple of frames long. They must've done the video taping for the
black and white stuff before Rock got back, and needed to find a way to fit
him in there too. Kinda odd that Triple H got fit in here and not Chris
Benoit (or Rikishi), but Hunter's entrance does fit better into the darkness
that's present throughout here. Maybe they'll get the other guys in
Count on it...
Dig that PYRO and that GIANT FIST - we are LIVE from the E-Center in Salt
Lake City, UT and transmitido en espanol SAP - oh and did I mention we were
LIVE? It's 16.8.1 and with SummerSlam just 72 hours away, you KNOW it's
on...oh, and at WWF New York, too
TONIGHT: 1st Austin Invitational! Whatever THAT is...
First man out is SHANE
CAN'T DANCE - MAN that is a swank set - chyron gives you the TitanTron
video in the lower left corner in addition to the now requisite website
plug. Let's see if Shane's upgraded his interview skills to match the set
and graphics. Tonight: WWF tag team titles on the line. "I can't believe
I'm actually here in the state of Utah." Crowd: "He said Utah!" "I mean,
this state doesn't have a lot goin' for it - but you are famous for two
things. One is....polygamy. And the other is your beloved Utah Jazz. You
see, the Utah Jazz and Booker T have a lot in common, except one huge, and
I mean absolutely enormous difference.... (Are they chanting "Utah" or "You
suck?") "No, that would be the Jazz." ("You suck" I guess) You see,
Booker T knows how to win championships - and you see, this is something
that is totally unfathomable to all of you, because when you actually win a
championship, then you are able to defend that championship - and that's
exactly what's gonna happen this Sunday at SummerSlam, when Booker T
*successfully* defends the WCW championship....against the Rock. So let's
take a trip down memory lane, let's go back to just last Monday night and
show you what happened last time Booker T and the Rock hooked it up - yeah,
let's see the Rock, oh there it is - Shane O Mac, right there, he wants a
piece of the Rock, ready to take out, no but Booker T wants the whole
thing, and look right there THERE IT IS OH YEAH BOOK END - forget about it!
Oh and check it out, BOOK END, ohh Booker T the man, the WCW champion.
There's your beloved Rock, look at him! But you know what? Videotape does
not satisfy me enough, so guess what, I'm calling you out - I'm calling out
the most electrifying man in sports entertainment today.....BOOKER T!" T's
music now begins "Can U dig it? Sucka" and continues "Can U dig it -
suckaaaaaaaaaaaaa...." Well, I suppose it's better than "Don't hate the
player, hate the game..." but not much. The Book End on the chair has
already made it into the entrance video. T on the ropes and hitting a
Rock-esque pose with his belt - a fact not lost on Cole. T asks for the
mic...and receives it. "You suck!" "FINALLY... the Book has come BACK to
Utaaaaah! You know as I stand here, the only thing I can think of..."
"Rock E!" "...the only thing I can think of, is the millions...and the
millions of the Book's fans....and the Book-- you hear that? You hear
that? And the fans are chanting his name." "Rock E!" "You better say my
name right, sucka! And speaking of names, WHO? "Ass hole!" "WHO in the
blue hell are YOU?" "My name's--" "It doesn't matter who you are! But I
tell you what does matter, Shane. If there was no Booker T, there wouldn't
be no Rock. Everything the Rock has, he stole it from Booker T. The
People's Elbow...hell, what a joke! Everybody know that the REAL most
electrifying move in sports entertainment IS the spinaroonie..." and he
does it. "And the Rock Bottom? Everybody knows that's a cheap imitation
of the move that took him out on RAW - the Book End! And more importantly,
everybody knows that Booker T has the most BEAUTIFUL haird- hairstyle in
this business today. And as far as that little comment the Rock made last
Monday about Booker T and school, well let me tell you something, the
Booker Man was a straight-A honour roll student, Mega Cum Latte, can u dig
it, SUCKAAAA. And as far as Sunday night - SummerSlam, nothin' - and the
Book means NOTHING - is gonna stop the Real People's Champ from walking
down the People's Ramp and layin' the smacketh down on the Rock's
candy(beep)!" T positions the mic appropriately. "If ya
smelllllllllllllll what the Book.....is cookin'."
Now, see what happens when you arrive late? Rock - is WALKING! - has
missed ALL of that.
Commentators shill "Buffy the Vampire Slayer"
YA SMELL is out for a rebuttal. (We're LIVE! by the way.) Let's
see...two segments...no sign of any wrestling yet. Maybe we were fooled by
the liveness into thinking it *wouldn't* be just a pay-per-view
infomercial? "Finally, the Rock HAS COME BACK to Salt Lake City! Booker
T, congratulations. Last Monday night, you gave the Rock not one but two
Rock Bottoms - the very last one on a steel chair. And Booker T the Rock
has also heard that you have another name for the move - another name in
which you call...the Book End. But you see, Booker T, the Rock wants to
make sure that you perfectly understand...that the name of the move isn't
called the Book End, nonononono, the Rock...the Rock wants you to
understand what the name of the move is called, because it's the very same
move that you're gonna get this Sunday at SummerSlam, the very same move
you're gonna hate this Sunday at SummerSlam, and the very same move that's
gonna allow the Rock to walk out a winner this Sunday at SummerSlam! You
see, Booker T, the Rock knows you're here - he's heard about you running
your mouth, and the Rock also knows that you consider yourself and honour
roll student - well why don't you come out and allow the Rock the honour of
whoopin' your candy(beep) all over Salt Lake city!" NAPPY T and SHANE
CAN'T DANCE are out...but stop at the top of the ramp. "Shane...this sucka
just called me to the ring. He didn't say that. Tell me he did not just
say that." But before things escalate...a cheap ripoff of Mr. Perfect's
music plays, which can only mean SHAWN STASIAK is out. "Booker, Booker,
Booker, Shane, guys I'm sorry to interrupt, but I've been just told by
Stone Cold Steve Austin himself that I've got a ton of potential...and I
know if just given the opportunity, I would do something that these people
would never forget. So what do you say, Booker, let me go down there right
now and make an example of that Booker T wannabe! I know I can do it, just
give me that chance--" "Booker T! The Rock has no time to listen to this
crap--" Stasiak lets out a yell and rushes the ring...whut?
IF YA SMELL v. SHAWN STASIAK - Rock right, Stasiak right, Rock, Rock, Rock,
Rock, Rock, Rock, Rock, Rock, into the ropes, attempted reversal, Rock
adjusts his sunglasses, then swings Stasiak round and pulls him into Rock
Bottom - Jack Doan on the case - 1, 2, 3. (0:20) Rock asks for the mic
again...then pauses for the chant from the crowd. "Now before the Rock was
so rudely interrupted...Booker T, Rock just wants to say this. The Rock is
issuing you a three-day warning. THREE DAYS from this day forward, you're
gonna walk the face of the earth. Three nights from this night forward,
from this Sunday night, the Rock is gonna...walk in SummerSlam, the Rock is
gonna...walk out WCW Champion. But you see, Booker T, that's Sunday. The
Rock called you out here, 'cause he's got a great idea, the Rock has got a
fantastic idea....for tonight. And it's an idea that even you can
understand. Live, first time ever, on the Rock's show, live, on SmackDown!
the Rock is challenging you to a match - first time ever - Lights Out
match. Lights Out match, Booker T, the rules are very simple - there are
no rules. No Alliance, no WWF, no rules. Booker T and the Rock - Lights
Out." "No rules. No Alliance. No WWF." "All right, sucka - YOU'RE ON!"
Shane isn't too happy his man has gone along with this. "You and the Rock
- Booker T, no Alliance, no WWF, no WWF (oops) title on the line, just you
and the Rock, Booker T, turn out the lights...because the party is over IF
YA SMELLLLLALALALALALALOWWWW WHAT THE ROCK IS COOKIN'."
Edge & Christian shill Stacker 2
Subway presents the Slam of the Week! From RAW, Tajiri does that thing
with the mist...and defeats Albert.
TAJIRI & COMMISSIONER REGAL v. X-FACTOR - Regal and X-Pac start - feeling
out process - side headlock by X-Pac, Regal powers out, pulls him back and
htis a headlock of his own - X-Pac powers out, Regal shoulderblock...off
the ropes, X-Pac hooks his arm, gutshot, leg over the head, flippy flippy,
but Regal comes back with a European uppercut that puts him down. Arm
wringer by Regal, forearm smash by X-Pac to get out of it. Into the ropes,
reversed, big back elbow by Regal. European uppercut. Arm wringer,
kicking the back of the leg to get him on his knees, tag to Tajiri for an
open kick. Tajiri with a hammerlock - X-Pac reaches back and jumps,
rolling forward for a headlock takeover (Cole: "nice armdrag") - X-Pac
ducks a clothesline, Tajiri ducks a kick, X-Pac FAILS to duck the big kick
to the head. Gutshot by X-Pac, shot to the back, into the ropes, Tajiri
ducks, Tajiri off the ropes with a dropkick to stop X-Pac in midleap.
X-Pac tags out as we get our first look at the new (now unnamed) Double
Feature. Tajiri is feet of fire as Albert comes in...finally Albert gets
sick of taking kicks and barrels him into the corner, kick, right, right,
shoulder to the gut, shoulder, shoulder, into the opposite corner,
press...but Tajiri wriggles free and goes back to left kick left right kick
kick kick right left kick left right kick and so on. Off the ropes, ducks
a swing from Albert, and lands a thrust kick right on the jaw. European
elbow, three of 'em - into the ropes is reversed, Albert knocks him down.
Albert with an uppercut - into the corner, yaaaaaaaaavalanche. Scoop...and
a slam. Albert going for a ... VADERBOMB but misses - tag to Tajiri.
X-Pac comes in to head him off - Tajiri ducks and lands a superkick.
Huracanrana! Albert to the back - into the ropes, but Tajiri changes it
into a handspring elbow off the ropes! Albert ends up backing up, and
tripping over X-Pac in the schoolboy position. All four men in now and
it's all breaking down. Regal's forearms aren't having much effect on
Albert, though - he shoves him aside so he can break up Tajiri's would-be
tarantula on X-Pac. Regal back on Albert - Repeated forearms, then
knocking him outside. Regal follows - but Albert ducks and lands the
bicycle kick. Back inside the ring, Tajiri slides under X-Pac, kick to the
midsection, winding up for the KICK, but 'Pac ducks, shoves him into
Albert, who connects with the Baldobomb, and I don't think he's getting up.
1, 2, 3. (3:32) Replay of the finish.
We look at Austin...and his wife. "Steve, are you sure you wanna go
through with this?" "'Areyousureyouwannagothroughwiththis?' What? Yeah,
I'm sure I wanna go through with this, Debra! You know how big this is?
How huge this is? The eve before SummerSlam? The first ever Stone Cold
Steve Austin Invitational? This is huge." "Huge." "Come in."
It's...Earl Hebner? "You wanna see me?" "Yeah, I did wanna sing you.
What? WWF on your little chest, are you proud of that?" "Yes, I am." "It
makes me sick. Do you see this clipboard." "Yes." "What?" "Yes, sir."
"I want you to take this clipboard...I want you to take it into the WWF
locker room, and I want you to tell anybody that wants to...to sign it. To
see if any of those supposed *superstars* - what? - SUPERSTARS can graduate
from Stone Cold University. Do you understand me?" "Yes, sir." "What?"
"Yes, sir." "Take the clipboard, and tell 'em to sign it. I wanna see
somebody graduate tonight. Get outta here."
Drowning SummerSlam Pool spot
Hey now, it's the RC Cola Rewind! From RAW, Edge gets the duke...but he
AND his partner get hurt knees in the process
Earl Hebner presents the clipboard to the locker room (roll call: Crash,
Hardcore Holly, Scotty 2 Hotty, Kai en tai, Spike Dudley, K-Kwik and Essa
Rios - almost all wearing SummerSlam T-shirts: suckups) - Kurt Angle barges
in. "This is for the first Austin Invitational tonight. To graduate from
Stone Cold University. Well I want Stone Cold to know that I'm gonna be
the first name on this list."
Meanwhile, Christian admires his reflection in the King of the Ring cup.
Here's Edge. "Dude, did you hear?" "No, what?" "There's a signup sheet
going around for the Austin invitational...and I was thinking of puttin' my
name on it." "Your WHAT?" "Yeah." "Dude...we have a match against DDP and
Kanyon tonight for the WWF tag team titles. We have a chance at becoming
eight-time tag team champions - the octopusses of the WWF!" "Actually,
that's octopi." "Yeah, I know. Anyways, you're willing to defend the
honour of the WWF against Austin - the man that defected to the Alliance -
with the WWF title? I think someone's being a little selfish here. You
need to get your priorities straight!" Then he takes Edge's trophy and
Meanwhile (3), Stacy and Torrie feel each other's muscles (hmmm) - and here
comes Ivory. "Hey, ladies! Don't you know why I joined the Alliance? I
am a three-time WWF Women's Champion, and I have what it takes. And I know
I can teach both of you what it takes to survive and prosper in this
industry. The Alliance will have the most competitive, athletic, toughest
female superstars in all of sports entertainment, and our first task - our
first task will be Sunday night. Sunday Night Heat - the three of us will
take on Jackie and Lita. Hey! Don't you show your fear in front of me,
you two can do it! We can pull this off! We are the females of the
Alliance! Lemme hear ya, can you do it? Can you do this thing, come on
gimme five, let's go! Let's go get 'em!"
Here's your exterior - WOW WHAT A PARKING LOT!
Let Us Take You Back to RAW, where Steve Austin delivered a pep talk...and
Tazz suffered a beatdown
Back (4) to the Room of Fun...and the Austins: "As far as I'm concerned,
Tazz got exactly what he had comin'." "Oh, I thought you did the right
thing." "You're finally startin' to learn what the Alliance is about, I'm
so proud of you. Leadership by example, Debra. Come in!" Hebner's back.
"Mr. Austin, there's a whole list of WWF superstars that wanna participate
in the Stone Cold Invitational." "Oh there's a whole list of WWF
superstars - what? - well gimme the list! Everybody signed it? Is
everybody happy? What? I guess the easiest thing for me to do is pick the
first name on the list if everybody signed it." "What?" "GET OUTTA HERE!
Copying my damn lines." "I can't believe it!" "Well let's see what we
got..." Austin and Debra check the list....and react with facial expression
TONIGHT: 1st Austin Invitational! Actually, it's NEXT!
It's the WWF and it's LIVE! Tomorrow, it's Las Vegas! Saturday, Fresno!
SummerSlam is Sunday in San Jose, and RAW takes place at Arco in Sactown!
TAZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ has joined MICHAEL KING COLE & IT'S ALL ABOUT PAUL - he
has a personal issue with Stone Cold Steve Austin, a personal interest in
the First Ever Austin Invitational, and he's gonna bide his time and pick
his spot. Then he chews out Paul - "don't come out here and sell that crap
- NOBODY does that to me." Austin destroyed his manhood on RAW...
COLD STEVE AUSTIN hits the ring, clipboard and belt in hand. The
TV-PG-DLV and "transmitido en espanol SAP" logos appear, which probably
means we'll take this to the second hour (it's ten 'til). Heyman leaves
the commentary are to join Austin and WCW official "Blind" Brian Hebner in
the ring. "I'm with ya. If you don't mind, Stone Cold, I just wanted to
buzz you. You know how much I've been looking forward to the Stone Cold
Invitational....but that guy, Tazz, has been knocking you ever since he's
been sitting at that desk. He has been saying some very, very disparaging
words towards the WWF Champion Stone Cold Steve Austin. But - as a favour
to me, don't let him get underneath your skin, because I can assure you
Steve, that everybody here tonight, and everybody at home is dying, is
DYING to see you show leadership by example with the very first Stone Cold
Invitational." "Thank you. Thank you very much. Stone Cold University is
now in session! As a World Wrestling Federation champion, and leader of
the Alliance, tonight, right here In This Very Ring. Right here In This
Very Ring, I intend to teach someone how to become successful in this
business. To become successful, you have to understand the fundamentals.
You have to start with the basics. That's what I will display tonight in
this ring. If ya master the basics, maybe someday, you can become as
successful as Stone Cold Steve Austin, so allow me... The easiest way to
do this is to start with the first name on this list." Austin turns the
clipboard upside down. "SCOTTY 2 HOTTY - come on out, Scotty! You signed
the paper, come on down. You wanna learn the basics? You wanna learn how
to become famous like Stone Cold Steve Austin?" Hotty is wary, but comes
out. "This is the best the WWF had to offer? You're the best the WWF had
to offer? Look at me when I talk to you! No offense, Scotty, but you're
not even in my caliber! I didn't expect to see you out here - I didn't
expect you to even sign the damn paper! You know what I expected? What?
Do you know what I expected? I expected Kurt Angle's name to be on this
list. He didn't even sign it! So here you are. And you wanna become
successful like Stone Cold Steve Austin. Look atchya. Look atchya."
Crowd: "Scotty!" Austin lifts Scotty's lid. "You're pathetic. I'm gonna
teach you how to become successful? What? I don't think so. You're never
gonna be successful in this business, Scotty! You understand me? What? I
said you'll never be successful in this business! But you know what? Look
at me when I talk to you. You kinda remind me of Kurt Angle. You kinda
have that - that look in your eyes, that look of arrogance. You remind me
of Kurt. You know what this reminds me of? What? Do you know wht this
reminds me of? It reminds me of SummerSlam. It reminds me, this coming
Sunday. I see the fear in your eyes right now. And when Kurt Angle walks
down this aisle on Sunday, look at me, I will see the fear in his eyes,
just like I see the fear in your eyes. I smell fear. You're afraid of me,
aren't you? Look atchya. Your knees are shakin'. You're knees are
shakin' just like Kurt's. Kurt's knees'll be shakin' just like this. He's
a nervous wreck! Look at me. What? Look atcher chin. Your chin's
quivering because you're nervous - just like Kurt. You're afraid of me.
You know - you know in your head that you're facing the biggest superstar
What? the biggest superstar in the history of this business, Stone Cold
Steve Austin, and it scares you! What? I said it scares you! Do you know
what I'm gonna do to you, Kurt? Do you know what I'm gonna do to you when
that bell rings, Kurt? Do you know what I'm gonna to do you? Am I gonna
lock up with you? Huh? No I'm gonna start whippin' your (beep), that's
what I'm gonna do to you, Kurt. I'll be all over you like a cheap suit,
Kurt! What? I said I'm gonna whip your (beep) - and there's nothing you
can do about that, is there, Kurt?" Austin is so in Scotty's face that
he's basically pushing him aronud the ring now. "You can sit there, and
you can talk about your gold medals, and you can talk about how successful
you were in the Olympics, what? When I start poundin' you this Sunday,
Kurt, when I start poundin' you, you're gonna beg me to stop, and I
won't...do you know why? Because I'm Stone Cold Steve Austin. I am the
World Wrestling Federation champion. What? I said I'm the World Wrestling
Federation champion. I want you to look at this." Austin puts the belt
against his head. "What? Look at this. Do you see that? Huh? Spin
around so everybody can see it like you? Do you know what that is? That's
the World Wrestling Federation championship, that's what it is - that's
what it looks like - that's what it smells like. What? That's as close as
you'll ever get to being the World Wrestling Federation champion with Stone
Cold Steve Austin here in the World Wrestling Federation. Do I make myself
clear? You know what, Kurt? Before I beat you Sunday, before I beat you
Sunday, before I beat you Sunday, Kurt, before I pin your shoulders to this
mat, do you know what I'm going to do? Do you know what I'm going to do to
you, Kurt? Look at me, Kurt. You're gonna bleed. You're gonna bleed for
Stone Cold Steve Austin. You're gonna bleed for the Alliance. You are
gonna bleed for the World Wrestling Federation champion. I will POUND your
head until you bleed for Stone Cold Steve Austin, and while you're layin'
there, you're layin' there in a pool of blood - I will stand over you. And
you will know that my name is Stone Cold Steve Austin, and I pledge
allegiance to the flag of the United States of America - and to the
Republic, for which it..." Scotty's finally had enough, and comes off the
rope with his version of the bulldog. Hotty starts the dance - W - O -
Austin pops up, runs over and forearms him down. Stomp,l stomp, stomp,
stomp, stomp stomp stomp stomp stomp stomp stomp stomp. Austin mounts him
and punches away - right, right, right, right, right, right, right, KICK
WHAM STUNNER - stomp, stomp - KURT ANGLE runs out as Austin kicks Hotty out
of the ring - Austin and Angle exchange rights - Angle with a double leg
takedown and firing away - Austin rolls over - Angle rolls back - Tazz is
up from the commentary table and into the ring, where he will no doubt give
us the shocking swerve by attacking Angle - come on, NOBODY shouldn't see
this coming - Tazz pulls Angle off - TAZZMISSION! Oh, what a shock. Tazz
adds the body scissors, opening up Angle's chest for Austin to stomp away.
Here comes FOUR OR FIVE WWF GUYS - Austin and Tazz take off through the
crowd, leaving Angle clutching his neck.
MOMENTS AGO: See previous paragraph
JONATHAN COACHMAN catches up with Angle. "So that was the Austin
Invitational. THAT was the Austin Invitational. His name's Stone Cold
Steve Austin. Well MY name is Kurt Angle! And this Sunday, I'm gonna do
the same thing I did in the 1996 Olympics. I'm bringin' the gold back
home, where it belongs! And as far as tonight, that little stunt Tazz
pulled? Well I'm issuing a challenge to Tazz tonight. And I'm gonna take
him out tonight, and this Sunday, Stone Cold Steve Austin's goin' down, and
that - is - true!"
ROB VAN DAM (with Let Us Take You back to RAW - and SummerSlam graphic: van
Dam v. Jeff Hardy) and RHYNO (with Stephanie Can't Act - and Let Us Take
You Back to RAW) v. JEFF H
ARDY and CHRIS THU
RSDAY JERICHO - It's gonna be Jericho and van Dam to start. Lockup,
side headloc by Jericho, van Dam powers out, shoulderblock by Jericho - off
the ropes, leapfrog by van Dam, back to back and over, van Dam grabs the
waistlock but Jericho hits the ropes and shoves him back - ducks a
clothesline, ducks a kick, flying jalapeno lands. Free shot for Rhyno,
back to van Dam with a swinging neckbraeker. 1, 2, van Dam kicks out. Tag
to Hardy - open double sledge from the top rope. Arm wringer, van Dam
kicks and reverses. Hardy nips up, into the ropes, van Dam with a
superfluous backflip over Hardy, Hardy ducks the clothesline, waistlock,
standing switch by van Dam, Hardy with a back elbow to break it up, then
off the ropes with a (waits for van Dam to drop down) front flip
backsplash. van Dam's playing possum, though - pulling Hardy into the
turnbuckle and making the tag. Kick by Rhyno, right, right, right, right,
wow this is MUCH easier to describe - into the ropes, Hardy slides under -
Rhyno grabs a leg, but Hardy lands a mule kick with the other - tag to
Jericho! Right, right, chop, chop, kick, kick, kick, right, into the
opposite corner, but Jericho gets the boot up - Jericho to the second
rope...but Stephanie grabs his ankle, preventing him from doing anything -
Rhyno in with a shoulderblock! Stomp, stomp, stomp, stomp, stomp, off the
ropes with a running knee to the face. Tag to van Dam. Open kick. Kick.
Into the ropes, reversed, but van Dam holds on, making sure the dropkick
misses. van Dam off the ropes, forward roll into a somersault senton - 1,
2, nope. Boot to the head. Elbow, shoulderblock, again, superfluous
backflip, running shoudlerblock. Gutshot, into the opposite corner, elbow
to the back as he backs out, going for a suplex but Jericho goes up and
over, grabs the waistlock, and hits the German suplex! Both men are down -
Hardy and Rhyno each reaching for a tag. Tag to Hardy! Clothesline for
van Dam, right for Rhyno, double leg takedown for van dam, Hardyhomberhooey
legdrop, sitout jawbreaker for Rhyno...then using van Dam's all fours as a
springboard into a dropkick on Rhyno, taking him out of the ring! Back to
van Dam, forearm in the back, whip into the corner is reversed but Hardy
leaps to the top and hits the Gay in the Gay on him! Too bad Rhyno's back
in - Hardy turns back round as van Dam rolls outside - there's the GORE!
GORE! GORE! Jericho off the top rope with a missile dropkick on Rhyno!
Rhyno rolls out and Jericho follows - that's three men outside - meanwhile,
van Dam is under the ring and found a ladder. He sets it up atop the
bottom rope - looks like a seesaw is coming - van Dam leaps from the
turnbuckle - WHACK ladder (sorta) in the face. van Dam climbing back up -
Fivestar frog splash - 1, 2, 3. (5:15) That's TWICE they've tried that
ladder spot and twice it hasn't looked so great. Maybe they should give up
on that spot. van Dam points to himself...then sees Jericho standing in
the ring and hotfoots it outside. Stephanie, however, is still in the ring
- Jericho is giving her a look (as if to say "damn, girl, I think
absolutely EVERY wardrobe choice you made tonight is just so WRONG")
Stephanie backed into a corner... Wait, Rhyno up from behind - but he
misses Jericho, AND misses Stephanie. Stephanie manages to get out of the
ring. Play Jericho's music, 'cause he LOST! Replay of the frog splash (no
hope for the ladder shot, see).
Our commentators talk about Angle's challenge to Tazz.
We go to Tazz, who's wearing a black towel over his head - oh boy.
"Somebody better remind Kurt Angle that when he was undefeated at the Royal
Rumble, he got choked out. By who? Me. Somebody better remind Kurt Angle
that there's a guy around here that he never beat. And who's that guy?
Me. And somebody better tell Angle that Stone Cold Steve Austin is
talking, and who's he talking to? Me. Angle...I accept your challenge
tonight. And I will take you out on behalf of the Texas Rattlesnake. And
Angle, you will become Just Another Victim, because I'm Tazz - the guy
handpicked by Austin. Beat me if you can, Angle...survive if I let you."
Moments Ago, three paragraphs ago - commentators talk about the ladder, but
you can bet the replay is of the frog splash
Lita and Matt check on Jeff. He's okay "but I'll tell you what's not okay,
though - this Sunday at SummerSlam, it's just a hardcore title match. RVD
wants to pull out ladders? He wants to raise the stakes? I say we raise
the title. It's not just gonna be a hardcore title match - it's gonna be a
hardcore ladder match - Hardy Boyz style."
WWF TAG TEAM CHAMPIONSHIP: KING EDGE & CHRISTIAN (with SmackDown! is
brought to you by Corn nuts, Clearasil, and Stacker 2!) v. KANYON and
DIAMOND DALLAS PAGE (with Diamond Dallas Page on ByTe ThiS! tomorrow) -
Page and Edge tie up, hammerlock by Page, reversal, Page with the back
elbow, off the ropes with a shoulderblock, up and over, Edge with a Viscera
kick to put him down. Tag to Christian - into the corner, Edge on all
fours, Christian with a crossbody splash, Slop Drop gets 2. Page with a
knee, forearm in the back, and tag. Kanyon runs into a knee in the gut,
Christian with a clothesline, hot shot, shoulderblock off the ropes, 1, 2,
Kanyon kicks out. Into the ropes, reversed, Page from behind, Christian
turns round and punks HIM out, back to Kanyon, right, right, ready to go
off the ropes but Page lowers the bridge. Referee "Blind" Nick Patrick
misses all this as Kanyon is keeping him occupied. Christian's head meets
the mat...and he's rolled back in for Kanyon. Head to the buckle. Whip
into the opposite corner...Christian gets the boot up and Kanyon goes wacky
with the oversell - Kanyon in again - another boot to the mush - Christian
runs at him, but Kanyon manages a GREAT Northern Lights suplex and
bridge...but only for 2. Tag to Page. Page punks out Edge to keep him
from tagging in - Christian with a gutshot, again, another right to the gut
- off the ropes, ducking Page's clothesline, but not the sleeper slam
(ooh!) which gets Page 2. Into the ropes, Page wants the sleeper again but
Christian counters with an almost-Stunner jawbreaker! Both men down - both
men tag! Here comes Edge! Right hand! Right, clothesline for Page,
dropkick for Kanyon, ducks a swing from Page, Edge-o-matic - spear for
Kanyon! 1, 2, Page saves. Christian over on Page - Patrick works to get
Christian back in his corner, meanwhile Edge has the small package on
Kanyon - but Patrick doesn't notice. Page rolls the pile over - Patrick
over - 1, 2, Christian pulls him out! Running clothesline for Page out on
the floor as well. Christian grabs a couple of chairs on his way back in -
they set up on Kanyon...but LANCE STORM runs out with a superkick for Edge!
Christian gives chase, and they're both gone. Page, meanwhile, is putting
Patrick back in the ring as Kanyon drapes an arm over Edge - 1, 2, NO!
Kanyon again pulls Patrick's shirt to keep him looking his way - behind
Patrick's back, Page gives Edge a Diamond Cutter, then scoots so Kanyon can
cover. 1, 2, 3. (3:47)
Rock is warming up - you know what that means...
TONIGHT: 1st Ever Lights Out Match - The Rock vs. Booker T!
And now, the Hardcore Smack of the Night, presented by Corn Nuts! From
RAW, Taker and Kane use the cage and expose Palumbo and O'Haire for the
frauds that they are
Coachman stands backstage - the camera pulls back to reveal he's between
Kane, Taker and Sara. "What are my feelings, huh? Well up until this
point, I've been extremely (beep), hey but I'm dealing with that right now.
But how am I feeling? I feel like I need to make an example of some one.
No no no, not just someone: I need to make an example out of Diamond Dallas
'oh my God is the Undertaker gonna kick my ass on Sunday' Page. You see,
Page has got me puzzled. You see he come out here and he says 'I want you
to make me famous.' So what's he do? He stalks my wife. Then he assaults
my wife. And then he gets off by takin' pictures and puttin' it in a
shrine of my wife. Well, it sounds like to me - I don't know, correct me
if I'm wrong, that Diamond Dallas Page wants to get famous for gettin' his
ass kicked by my wife. And believe me, Coach, before it's all said and
done, it will happen. See I don't think that ah - that Page has studied
his WWF, because if he would have, he would have known what I do to people
in cage matches - it ain't pretty, and Sunday, it won't be any exception.
And that brings me to Kanyon. You know, I'm confused on why a young man
with so much promise would want to get locked in a cage with this. See, it
just ain't smart, Coach. In my opinion, it's a bad career move. Because
really, who badder than Kanyon? You see, so those boys, they better enjoy
that little victory they got tonight, because in three days at SummerSlam,
they are in for an old school beatdown. And Coach...(removes
glasses)...inside the cage, there's no place to run, and there's no place
to hide. It's gonna be ugly. Now we're outta here."
Lookit WWF New York!
Inside are the A.P.A., who drink beer. Faarooq dusts off "Guess what," just like the old days,
then they throw a little....poetry? "You see, this beer here is for this
Sunday. You see, we got a little surprise for those backstabbers like Test
and the Dudleyz." "Ha ha ha - to the Dudleyz and Test: Test, what a
horrible ass name. Did you come up with that, or is yo momma to blame?
But come Sunday, Spike and the APA, on the stage they call SummerSlam.
We're gonna kick your ass so bad the only thing the people will be able to
say is..." "Damn." They yuk it up. I guess they've had A LOT of beer
Tazz tapes up! In subdued lighting!
Meanwhile, Kurt Angle - is - WALKING!
SummerSlam spot #2
Tough Enough spot
Look! The Ecstasy Center marquee!
TAZZZZZZZZZ (with the Dudley Boyz & Chuck Palumbo & Sean O'Haire & Test) v.
T ANGLE (with Taker & Kane & Sara & Albert & Well It's The Big Show &
Tha 1 Billy Gunn) - No sooner has *Angle's* backup arrived than a quick
look up at the top of the ramp reveals STONE COLD STEVE AUSTIN. Angle
devotes all his attention to Austin...allowing Tazz to punk him out from
behind to begin the match. Angle fires back - right, right, right, into
the ropes, clothesline. Right, right, right, right, into the ropes,
reversed, Tazz throws Angle outside...and follows. Head to the STEEL steps
by Tazz. Right, right, overhand right. Angle rolled back in. Tazz still
in control - head to the buckle, kick, kick, right, Angle switches
positions - right, right, right, right, into the opposite corner, reversed,
boot up by Angle - but runs right into a head-and-arm Tazzplex. Boot to
the head by Tazz. T-bone Tazzplex. Tazz laying in the badmouth - forearm
across the face from behind - another one. Into the ropes, Tazz with a
clothesline. Pausing to stoke the crowd's booing. Tazz lifts Angle up -
but he breaks it up, right, right, right, intot he ropes, reversed, but
Angle comes off with a flying jalapeno. Whip into the corner, no reversal,
no that's countered - Angle pulls Tazz into a belly-to-belly! Angle ducks
a clothesline and grabs a waistlock - Tazz counters into the Tazzmission,
but Angle breaks THAT up (Cole: "Kurt Angle - with wrist control!") drops
down and hits the Olympic Slam - 1, 2, 3! (1:21) DOWN COME THE STRAPS!
Angle looks RIGHT at Austin and dares him to come on down and get him some.
Austin registers disbelief - almost as if to say, "What?" Here he comes,
down the ramp - Angle parting the ropes for him...but Austin stops
short....and walks back...only to stop again. Maybe he IS coming into the
ring after all - or maybe he's just getting Angle to keep his back to Tazz,
who's back up - right is blocked, Angle puts him down with one punch - but
it's just enough time for Austin to hit the ring - right, right, right,
right, KICK WHAM NO IS CAUGHT - Angle keeps the foot, wrenches Austin
around and cinches in the Anglelock!! D-Von Dudley and Chuck Palumbo get
on the apron - Angle shoves them off - Austin makes his escape as the ring
quickly fills with everybody else. The WWF has the numbers, and clears
the ring. Play Angle's music again!
You're watching WWF SmackDown! on UPN!
SummerSlam promo #3 - as in 3 DAYS AWAY
Moments Ago, three paragraphs ago
Commentators fill time by describing the rules of a Lights Out match
(namely, none). Why is Heyman still wearing an Anarchy Rulz backstage
pass? Talk about living in the past! Man, there's only eight minutes left
in the show - can they afford to keep jawing like that?
The lights are out!
NAPPY T v. IF YA SMELLLLLL in a First Ever Lights Out Match - the lights
are back up! Thank God, we'll be able to SEE! Rock sprints out and the
cameras almost miss him. T misses, Rock right, right, right, into the
ropes, but T reverses into a back elbow. Rock nips up - right, right,
right, right, NOW KISS THAT RIGHT! T outside - Rock after him. T into the
security rail. Right. Up the ramp we go - right by the Rock. Oh man,
they're gonna destroy THIS set ALREADY - T manages an elbow, then throws
Rock into a "mirror" piece of the set. Rock stumbling down the ramp...T in
close pursuit...Rock with a spinebuster on the ramp! Rock parts T's legs,
says a little prayer, and hits him where it hurts him! T does some rolling
down the ramp. Rock picks him up by the best hairstyle in the business as
we take the replay of the spinebuster. Back to ringside - Rock takes T to
the STEEL steps, back first. Methinks Earl Hebner protest too much given
that there are no rules. Rock is over to the commentary table - and doing
a little redecorating. Running clothesline back over to T. Head to the
timekeeper's table...and now they're on the commentary table. You will
remember the name of the Rock Bottom - NOOOOO SHANE O. MAC is out - and
there's an uppernut for the Rock. Shane hands Rock to T - ohhhhh you will
remember the name of the BOOK END...THROUGH THE TABLE! Crowd chants "Rock
E" as we take a replay - Shane was under the ring, we are told - must have
snuck out while the lights were off. Booker T's music plays as Shane calls
for the most electrifying move in sports entertainment - and T obliges!
Did T win? I mean, he didn't PIN him, but.... (? Around 4) Another
replay of Shane inserting himself in this match...and allowing T to make
the big move. Don't forget: Tough Enough is NEXT!