I GET LETTERS: From Marty over at martymix.com: check out www.mickfoley.com not only is he in the WWF, but hes the *new* commissioner. Go figure. Keep it up. At least *you're* entertaining. KINGS UPDATE: Game 1 vs. the Lakers is Saturday, 15:30 Pacific! Also, the LA Times website is as bad as the Dallas Morning News website when it comes to letting me view their content without having to jump through a whole lotta damn HOOPS! God Bless the Bee! TV-PG-DLV - Attitude - Entertainment - WW! Wow, that UPN logo sure got smaller, didn't it? Also, UPN's "Smackdown" title graphic has been replaced with "WWE Smackdown" - ALSO, the "UPN Thursday" still hasn't been updated...replaced instead with a spot for the UPN Friday movie, "Rumble in the Bronx" - you care LAST THURSDAY - 8:17 PM (except in many timezones) - beatdown, Hell in the Cell match made 8:58 PM - Jericho interferes, D-Von wins 9:59 PM - Triple H interferes, Jericho chairs him - ah, go read last week's report Closed captioned logo - Opening Credits (which are beautiful, people) EYRO! Coming to you 16.5.2 from the Centre Molson in Montreal, PQ ("QC" is for SUCKAS) and SAP transmitido en espanol (but not francais) on the United Paramount Network - this is WWE SMACKDOWN! (taped 14.5) TONIGHT: A swimsuit competition! Torrie vs. Stacy - winner gets her last name back! But first....TRIPLE H is here to burn off about three minutes with his prolonged entrance featuring that terrific hit song "Lemmy Been a Friend of Mine." H's new website domain, when pronounced, sounds like a lot of people reacting to my purple text - WWEHHH.... If your neighbour didn't call you last week to share the news, this man Triple H and that man Chris Jericho will take part in Hell in a Cell this Sunday at Judgment Day. "Ask Shawn Michaels, ask Mick Foley" how Hell in a Cell shortens careers, they say - well hell, I WOULD ask them but they never seem to be on my TV all that much anymore for some reason, you know? What you are experiencing now is Triple H attempting to get the Hogan-type reaction from the fans by moving his head to and fro. "You know, Vince McMahon just doesn't get it, does he? Vince, you just don't get it. You think that you can knock me down, and I'm just gonna...go away? You think you can send six guys to this ring to kick my ass? You think you can send Chris Jericho with a steel chair to split my skull- you think you can book me in the most brutal match ever devised...and you think that I'm just gonna go away? You think that I'm just gonna curl my tail up between my legs...and scurry off? Reality is, Vince, HERE - I - AM. And that's the way it is today, the way it will be tomorrow, and the way it will be forever. Vince, you knock me down, I am gonna get right back up and get back in your face. And every single time I get up, I'm gonna get that much closer to you, Vince - and sooner or later, I'm gonna get close enough, and when I do, I am gonna chew you up and spit you out. Now..." Pause for "Triple H" chant. Chumbawumba's attorneys are on the phone, by the way. "This Sunday...this Sunday, I am gonna take Chris Jericho straight - ta hell. And Jericho, since you've never been there before, I'd like to give you a little taste...so if you've got the guts, why don't you come down to this ring, Jericho - I will give you a firsthand feeling of what it's gonna be like Sunday at Hell in the Cell - the pain that you can expect. Chris Jericho, come on down to this ring - we'll consider this purgatory - and tonight, you can start to burn." The man failing to do a remarkable Jericho impersonation is KING EDGE, however. "You know, Triple H, that was a very stirring speech. But you failed to mention one very important point...that you came down there and you hit all of us with a sledgehammer. Now being one of those guys that you hit with a sledgehammer, lemme just say that I didn't exactly enjoy it. You know, you're supposed to be a 'good guy,' and I'm supposed to be a 'good guy.' Good guys usually don't have problems with each other - but to be blunt about it...I don't give a crap. Now, on Sunday, you may take Jericho down to hell. And I will definitely shave Kurt Angle bald...but uh, I've been having this feeling in my stomach - it's kinda been boiling, it's been bubbling in the pit of my stomach. I've been feeling pretty competitive since last week - I've been feeling like I wanta PLAY THE GAME." They stand nose to nose - is this a gum-chewing contest? Also, every time the crowd says "What?" you can't help but remember that Austin ain't on this show. "Let me explain somethin' to you. I AM a lot of things...I am everything that I say I am. But the one thing that I definitely am not is a good guy. So if you feel like playin' The Game....then, Jack, I'm standin' right here." Edge ponderes this - then throws a right, right, right, right, but H is right back there with a knee. Right by H, right, right, right by Edge, H barrels him down - KURT ANGLE & CHRIS THURSDAY JERICHO each pounce on these two while they're distracted. H has no problem coming back against Jericho, but Angle manages an Olympic Slam on Edge. Here's H on *Angle* now...working him over in the corner before Jericho drops down with an uppernut from behind. H put outside - Angle leaves him to Jericho as he comes in to give Edge a SPEAR! Angle back outside - double whip into the STEEL steps for H. Now both men back in the ring - Jericho holds him back and Angle has some scissors - and cuts off a shock of hair! H has a chair...but Angle and Jericho leave in time. Play Angle's music! Angle shows off the hair he's cut. Hey ad break! Lita shills Stacker 2 - wow, seeing her drive in this ad is IRONIC now Judgment Day spot - Hogan/Taker MOMENTS AGO! Three paragraphs ago Vince asks Stacy for a "sneak peak" - then gulps. "You're gonna wear that little thing - out there? Well, what if I were to give those pups a little nuzzle for good luck? Ahhh yeah..." but before he can feel her up with his tongue, a triumphant Jericho and Angle barge in and display their trophy. Vince, of course, wasn't watching any of what went down. Vince promises tonight will be "a night for fun," booking a tag team match with them against Triple H & Edge. This gets them out of the room - but not before Angle pops back in to say "'bye, Stacy!" LANCE STORM (Calgary, Alberta - 230 pounds) and HARDCORE HOLLY (Mobile, Alabama - 234 pounds - with Let Us Take You Back To Last Week) v. BIG VALBOWSKI (Las Vegas, Nevada - 244 pounds - with Tough Enough III application hype) and RANDY ORTON (St. Louis, Missouri - 240 pounds)
referee: JIM KORDERAS
Storm pounds away on Orton to start - into the ropes, dropkick is NICE - super high, but misses when Orton hooks the rope - fortunately, Holly runs the apron to knock him down. Holly get the tag - kick, kick, chop, chop, chop, Orton switches - open-handed slap, slap (WOW it's embarrassing watching Valbowski try to stoke up the crowd from his corner - and have absolutely no effect), Euro uppercut, again, Storm tries to interfere and Orton shoves HIM off the apron to the floor - but that gave Holly enough time to forearm him from behind. Forearm in the back. Into the ropes, Best Dropkick in the Business (but not in this match) - into the ropes, head down, leapfrog by Orton and HE has a nice dropkick. Valbowski wants the tag so he can show off HIS dropkick - looks like he'll get it. Storm tagged as well - Valbowski right, right, left-handed clothesline off the ropes, into the ropes, big back body drop - Holly with a kick but Valbowski reverses against *him* and hits the Blue Thunder powerbomb (welcome back) - then back to Storm with a spinebuster. Tag to Orton - Valbowski shoves out Holly as Orton climbs to the tippy top - plancha HITS, but Storm kicks out at 2. Orton ducks a swing, gutshot, "what the hell was that?" (swinging neckbreaker from a Rocker Dropper, using the leg instead of a facelock - PRETTY, but kinda harmless looking) gets 2...Holly breaks it up. All four men in the ring - again Valbowski takes Holly outside - Holly eats the commentary table while Orton eats a superkick - 1, 2, Orton shoots the half and reverses - 1, 2, 3! (2:07) Wow, a two minute special? Commentators say Storm was egotistical and the lax cover was what led to the reversal (and as the replay shows, Orton pulling the tights certainly helped, too) LAST MONDAY: Taker sent Hogan on a bad, bad trip - and took the viewers right along with him EARLIER TONIGHT! Hogan arrived! Cole said it was a wonder he was even WALKING! Live events listed in THIS paragraph! Tomorrow, Louisville; Saturday, Raleigh; Sunday, Judgment Day in Nashville; and Monday is RAW in Memphis! The WWE Slam of the Week is presented by JARED! From last week, Torrie took off her clothes Maven wishes Torrie good luck in the swimsuit contest - and by the way, would they like to go get a bite to eat and maybe have a couple drinks? She says yes RIGHT AWAY, which proves that wrestling IS fake. After she walks off, D-Von and the Deacon take him to task for his impure, sinful, lustful thinking. D-Von calls Torrie a "bleached blonde Jezebel," which makes Maven take offense - well, at least he didn't say "white woman" while he was at it - before physicality erupts, Al Snow interjects, saying "Chuckles." D-Von says no, he's only wishing Maven good luck in their match tonight. "And Maven, you WILL get salvation from Brother D-Von. Oh you will." Snow: "Thanks for the kind words!" Meanwhile, Gregory Helms (ace reporter) catches up to Funaki and asks if he's behind all the evil that's befallen the Hurricane lately. "Are you a practioner of things that are evil? "What's wrong with you? I'm busy." Helms says he's a good friend of the Hurricane who's just trying to look out for him. Funaki turns his back - and reveals a note taped to it. "Great Caeser's ghost! Another note! 'Hurricane, congrats on your title shot tonight / But take heed if you win / Because then your pain / Will surely begin.' Excuse me!" He starts to fly away, then remembers his outfit...and runs away instead. Meanwhile (3), MARC LLLLLOYD stands with Chris Jericho. "My actions tonight? My actions tonight were designed to send a message to Triple H - a message he needs to understand and listen to. You see, on Sunday, for the Hell in the Call, everybody's thinking it's gonna be the big, bad Game - the man who retired Mick Foley in a match just like this one - against the loudmouth, long-haired, arrogant, gum-chewin' rock star who's finally gonna get his mouth shut and get his comeuppance for good. (spits gum) That's not what's gonna happen. Because on Sunday, the man behind the image is gonna peel off the mask, pull back the curtain and expose the ruthless, vicious, merciless ocmpetitor that Chris Jericho really is. You know, when Triple H tore his quad...was it the marketing of Y2J who put Triple H in the Walls of Jericho on the announce table and put him out of the business for eight long months? (clips of last week in slow motion) When Triple H was beaten down and bloodied last week on SmackDown!, not once, not twice, but three times, was it the image of the Ayatollah or Rock and Rollah who executed the deed? No. On Sunday at Judgment Day, Triple H is going to face the real me when he's locked inside of a steel cage with Chris Jericho. Hell...in a Cell." Rob van Dam shills Slurpees It's still raining in Canada as we stand outside the Molson Centre! REVEREND D-VON (Dudleyville - 242 pounds - with Deacon Batista) v. MAVEN (Charlottesville, Virginia - 223 pounds - with Al Snow)
referee: MIKE SPARKS
They have helpfully added "Oh, Testify!" to the beginning of D-Von's music just in case we get confused as to which WWE Superstar comes to the ring to organ music. "Oh my brothers, behold! Oh, I said, behold! Oh I said - behold! Oh I seek you out as a sheep amongst the wolves! Before I commence with tonight's sermon, Brother Botista will come out there into the mass - and you will add to that collection plate. For your sinful ways!" Whoops - Maven's music cuts him off. Hmm, I thought Maven was from Oregon, but they've finally added a "Hailing From" to his intro. D-Von with the surprise right, right,r ight, right, right, right, knee, knee, knee, knee. Right. Chop to the back of the neck. Snapmares him over, off the ropes, high elbowdrop. Stomp, stomp, choke on the second rope. Scoop...and a slam. Second rope - DON'T DO IT IT WON'T WORK - sure enough, the elbowdrop misses. Live event crawl takes over the bottom of the screen at this point. Snow fires up the crowd with rhythmic mat pounding. Maven tries a rollup - 1, 2, no. Ducks the swing, schoolboy - 1, 2, no. Gutshot, DDT - hooks the leg, 1, 2, no. Maven grabs the waistlock - nice German suplex - Batista on the apron, drawing over Sparks - and allowing D-Von's trick knee to act up before Maven can followup on his next waistlock! D-Von with a shot in the back, the Saving Grace (aka Goldust's Curtain Call inverted suplex) - 1, 2, 3. (1:55) Stomp, stomp, Snow in to help - right, right, right, right, off the ropes, flying jalapeno - and not Batista clocks Snow with the collection box to turn it back their way. Cue the organ music again! D-Von makes the sign of the cross and points to the ceiling. Stacy is WALKING! Suddenly the Panasonic EEEEEEEEEEEEEE midget makes a cameo - wow, I'm sure confused. Rob van Dam has another Slurpee - he's sure in a craving for sugar kinda mood, isn't he? Wonder what's up with that Meanwhile, that lady torches another hedge. Somebody needs to report her! TAZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ is in the ring when we get back to MC THE SWIMSUIT COMPETITON: STACY KEIBLER (with Forceable Entry CD cover) v. TORRIE SAMUDA - Cole: "Boy, Kid Rock was right - Stacy, indeed, has legs." As if Cole were to say "Boy, she's just a stump of a torso!" otherwise. Well, I'd have been down with that, actually. Anyway, Tazz goes over the rules, then asks Torrie to go first. Torrie reveals...well, PART of a white bikini before TAJIRI runs out with a large black towel, covers her up and forces her backstage. "Well, well, well, looks like the competition - not that Torrie Wilson was much competition anyway - looks like the competition just left. So, I guess I'M the winner!" Tazz says if she's the winner, we at least got to see what she's got. "Is that what you people want?" Stacy lifts her robe to show a leg...but stops. "You wish!" But now TRISH STRATUS - THE FITNESS MODEL comes out. I rack my brains trying to think of a single time Jazz appeared on this show after the split...hmm, nope. Hey, you know what that means. That's right: RACISM "What the hell are you doing here?" Trish raises her title belt above her head. Tazz offers her his mic - who says chivalry is dead? "Stacy, you know what? I think these people came here to see a competition! You're not, uh, afraid of a little competition, are you? Unfortunately, I uh...I forgot my bikini...but ah...I got this." And shows off her red underwear. Stacy decides to whack her with her shoe - only, Trish ducks and puts Stacy through the ropes to the outside. Tazz proclaims Trish the winner. Play her music again! Stacy stomps away. TONIGHT: Triple H & Edge vs. Chris Jericho & Kurt Angle! And now, the WWE Smack of the Night, brought to you by Clearasil! From RAW, Trish wins the Women's title Vince congratulates D-Von on his success, and proclaims how impressed he is with the Deacon. Stacy barges in and whines until Vince promises to find a way to make it up to her. Stacy suggests a championship match - Vince says okay, how about Judgment Day. "Um, but under one proviso, and that is that we employ the services of the...well, um, the Reverend D-Von Protection Fund. You WILL provide protection, will you not, Reverend?" "Wait - you want a *reverend* to go out and buy condoms?" Okay, some writer needs to be shot. Vince says, no, he means that if Trish is around, his half-brother Bubba Ray is sure to follow - and he needs them to counteract him. D-Von says he and the good deacon would love to provide their services. Stacy gives Vince a big hug. RICO (already in the ring - 240 pounds - with Billy & Chuck) v. RIKISHI (Isle of Samoa - 350 pounds - with Let Us Take You Back 2 Weeks)
referee: TEDDY LONG
Billy & Chuck (who, since taking on Rico as their "stylist," have made NO aesthetic changes) attempt to occupy 'kishi's attention while Rico hits the ring from behind - forearm has no effect. Kick, right is blocked, right by Rikishi - big beal across the ring, right, into the ropes, Rico ducks, Rikishi presses him up and hits a Diamond Cutteralike on the way down - cover - 1, 2, Chuck pulls him off. Rico crawls to the outside and Rikishi follows...but runs into Billy's clothesline and dutifully triplespins to the floor. Give it a replay 'cause nothing's going on - 'kishi back in the ring - stomp, in the corner, snap kick, snap kick, second rope overhead kick...but runs into a BELLY-to-belly. Into the corner goes Rico - 'kishi tries to back it up, but Rico pulls Long between them and 'kishi pulls up. Behind Long's back, Billy comes in - and gets knocked down. Chuck lands a right and holds 'kishi just long enough to make sure Billy's dropkick hits his own partner after he gets out of the way. Billy gets the RIKISHIKICK and the ring is cleared of tag team champions - Rico manages a spinning heel kick - but only gets 2! Right, into the ropes is reversed, sunset flip - no - SQUASH - yes. 1, 2, 3. (2:05) Two minute special, two minute special, two minute special... hee hee, fat man dancing take almost as long as match Judgment Day spot - Hell in a Cell It's not too late to register for the WWE.com streaming video of Judgment Day! Vince and Stacy share another private moment with the cameraman - but before anything can happen, Billy, Chuck and Rico come in and whine. Vince says he's ashamed that they lost to Rikishi...then books a tag team match between them and Rikishi and a partner that he'll choose later. That makes about as much sense as I typed it. I put money down on Albert, by the way. Meanwhile, Loyd stands with Triple H. "Chris Jericho needs to understand something - something that I don't think he's gotten yet. This Sunday, Hell in the Cell, there's not gonna be any Kurt Angle, there's not gonna be six other guys, there's gonna be nobody to help. When that cage lowers around us, Chris Jericho is gonna be alone - alone with all of his fears, all his insecurities...and alone with me. Now, if Jericho is wondering what I will do inside Hell in the Cell...he should call Mick Foley - call Mick Foley while he's traveling around on one of his many book tours - you know why Foley's writin' books? Because I put him out of this business - I ended Mick Foley's career inside Hell in the Cell - that's what I do inside that cell. This Sunday will be no different." Oops, Edge is behind him. "You know, just becuase we were interrupted before doesn't mean that you and I still don't have a problem." "You know - while I admire your...guts and bravado...to come out here and get in my face - why don't you go back and win a couple o' world titles before you decide to jump on The Game. All right, pal?" "Well, I guess I could take the Triple H way to the top - marry the boss' daughter and sleep my way to the world championship, couldn't I?" "You can do it any way that you want - just start it tomorrow, 'cause tonight we've got unfinished business with Angle and Jericho." Edge nods and leaves. H smirks. Commentators shill "Rumble in the Bronx" WWE CRUISERWEIGHT CHAMPIONSHIP: TAJIRI (champion - Tokyo, Japan - 206 pounds - with SmackDown! is brought to you by Hungry-Man, "The Sum of All Fears," and Taco Bell!) v. BILLY KIDMAN (challenger - Allentown, Pennsylvania - 215 pounds) v. THE HURRICANE (challenger - Parts Unknown - 215 pounds) in a triple threat match
referee: BRIAN HEBNER
Tajiri starts in early on Kidman before Hurricane even comes out - forearm in the back, kick, four or fire forearms - Kidman with a double leg - the brawl continues as Hurricane joins the fray, separating the two men and presumably making the Rodney King suggestion - thumbs up to both men! Tajiri kicks it away...so Hurricane joins Kidman in beating down the champion. Into the ropes, double hiptoss - Kidman covers - 1, 2, Hurricane pulls him off and covers, 1, 2, Kidman drops the elbow. Tajiri rolls out. Kidman right on Hurricane, into the corner, clothesline out is ducked - Hurricane tries for the chokeslam, but Tajiri kicks him. Kidman into the ropes, goes behind, Rydeenbomb, 1, 2, Tajiri kicks out. Live event onsale crawl. Hurricane takes out Kidman with a neckbreaker. Hurricane going up top - Tajiri stops him and climbs up top - right hand - Hurricane shoves him off but Tajiri backflips and lands on his feet. Kidman manages an Acid Drop, kicking Hurricane to the floor in the process. Tajiri put in place - Kidman up - and down, with the ugly no-confidence shooting star press! Leg is hooked - 1, 2, Hurricane pulls him outside! Hurricane shoves Kidman into the barrier and goes back in to hook Tajiri's leg - 1, 2, Tajiri gets a foot on the rope. Right by Hurricane, right, into the ropes, Tajiri with the handspring elbow off the ropes (kicking Kidman off the apron in the process). Ducks a right, kick to the gut, sets up for the KICK but Hurricane ducks - chokeslam! 1, 2, 3! Ladies and gentlemen, we have a new cruiserweight champion. (2:22) WOW AND IT WENT ALMOST TWO AND A HALF MINUTES!!!! Must have been becuase three men were in it... Your hosts are MICHAEL KING COLE & TAZZZZZZZZZZZZ - which can only mean it's time to run down the card... But first, a look at 12 Stones' CD cover. "Broken" is the official theme song! Run out and buy it now! From the top, the Undisputed title is on the line as Hollywood Hulk Hogan takes on The Undertaker! Stone Cold Steve Austin is on the wrong end of a handicap match against Ric Flair and Big Show - wow, listen to that crowd react to the only Austin sighting they get all night. It will be Hell in a Cell when Triple H collides with Chris Jericho! One man will lose his hair when Kurt Angle meets Edge! The intercontinental title is on the line when Eddie Guerrero clashes with Rob van Dam! The Hardy Boyz inexplicably face Brock Lesnar & Paul Heyman - this must have been a last-minute decision as these guys don't get stills instead of "moving around" graphical photos, hey? Announced tonight, the Women's championship on the line as Trish Stratus (I need one more synonym - where's my thesaurus?) Stacy Keibler with the Dudley Boyz in opposite corners! Hulk Hogan is - sort of - WALKING! WWE LIVE! Saturday, Macon; Sunday is Judgment Day in Nashville; Monday, Birmingham; and Tuesday, Tupelo! Well, he's standing next to the mountain - he chop it down with the edge of his hand. YOU KNOW WHO is on his way to the ring, and for some reason I reckon I've got a lot of time to type before Hogan can limp his way into the ring and start talking. Well, he *did* manage to make it into the ring before the 90 second mark. The music is still playing, and now might be a time to mention the irony of these entrances taking longer then EVERY match we've seen thus far...well, perhaps "irony" is the wrong word. "Patheticness?" "Problem?" Maybe a more appropriate use of "irony" is the observation that entrances...and waiting for the crowd to stop chanting...*these* are things that *you don't even need writers for.* I wonder if the writers could catch on to this - yet I shudder to consider what they could possibly do if they DID figure this out. Well, we're up to four minutes now. Hogan just keeps shaking his head. I'm shaking MY head, too - but I reckon we have different reasons for what we're doing. To be positive (for once), though, I have to give props to Tazz and Cole for shutting the hell up and letting the crowd tell the story here. Unlike me - I'm gonna keep bitching about how we're now up to FIVE minutes from the start of the Hendrix and no words yet from Hogan. Hogan drops his mic and almost forgets his limp as he heads for the ropes to shake his head in disbelief. This may have been great at the live event, but IS IT GOOD TELEVISION? Where's my WRESTLING? SIX minutes! Of course, this is Montreal - where they still talk about Earl screwing Bret like it happened yesterday, so you can understand how they might still be living ten or twelve years in the past. Hogan points to his mic as if to say "hey, I'm gonna speak now" but then drops it to go into the jackhammer...which is hard to do when you are pretending to sell a limp...so he doesn't. "Okay, okay..." SEVEN minutes and FINALLY we get...no, he stops again. Here we go. "YOU GUYS are overwhelming! I had one goal. That was someday, to get to WrestleMania, and I came out here the night after WrestleMania, dammit, just to say thanks! And because of all you crazy damn 'maniacs, I can't go home now! You guys are awesome! And now again tonight, I find myself out here on the eve of Judgment Day, just to say thanks again!" "Cold beer" chant. Hogan adjusts his Du Rag for the thousandth time. "With Judgment Day just a few days away, I came out here again just to say thanks for makin' my dreams come true, guys. And I hope this dream never ends, maniacs. I hope I never, ever wake up to reality again, because you see every night, just like you guys know, I turn on the news, and when I see what's goin' on in the world today, with nine one one and all that stuff, reality *sucks.* So the way I feel, with all of my Hulkamaniacs out here, when I'm In This Very Ring, I'm in my own dream world, my own fantasy world, and I hope it never ends! You know, I was gonna - I was gonna come out here and say 'I hope,' but now it's not that I hope, 'maniacs, I KNOW that Hulkamania will live forever! And with all that bein' said, Undertaker, BROTHER, on Judgment Day, what are you gonna do when me and all my--" "No Chance in Hell" plays - and what could possibly make this segment better than if BILLIONAIRE VINCE walks down to the ring and kills off some MORE of this show. McMahon all the way to the ring and nose to nose with Hogan. McMahon swipes Hogan's mic! "You know, Hogan--" Hogan swats away Vince's finger. "--you said reality sucks. I'd beg to differ with that opinion of yours. In my opinion, reality doesn't suck. In my opinion, Hulkamania SUCKS! Oh yeah. And I'll go ahead and admit, I enjoyed Monday Night RAW - I enjoyed it when Undertaker was dragging you behind your very own motorcycle - all over the arena! Undertaker was dragging you behind your own motorcycle like you were just a great big bag of...ROADKILL. Oh, but wait a minute - at one time, at one time, I agree with you, I agree with these fans, at one time you were an icon. At one time, you may have been The Immortal Hulk Hogan. But no more. Because when I look at you, here tonight, what I see is an empty shell of what you used to be. You see, Hogan, I can sense it - okay? I can smell the stench - you see, what you don't realise is that Hulkamania - Hulkamania is diseased - Hulkamania, Hulkamania has a terminal illness. What I'm tryin' to tell ya, Hogan, is Hulkamania has CANCER. And that's why this Sunday at Judgment Day, The Undertaker is gonna gather, scoop up the remains, the remnants of Hulkamania, stuff those remnants in a cardboard box, and BURY it! I'll tell you what you can do right now - you can get that look right off your face! You can get that look off your face, Hogan, and I'll tell you why..." Crowd is singing the chorus to "Na Na Hey Hey Kiss Him Goodbye" for some inexplicable reason. "You see? You're right - you're right, say goodbye to Hulk Hogan! Say goodbye to Hulkamania! Go ahead, sing it loud!" They turn to boos. "Yeah, you see? You see, Hogan - I believe this. And you better get that look off your face, because I'd like to remind you that I, Dr. Frankenstein, Dr. Vincent Kennedy McMahon, *I* created Hulkamania! And what I created, I can always destroy. So now, Hogan, I'll leave you with these parting thoughts, 'cause I've figured you all out - yeah - I know what the red and yellow colours stand for now. The red stands for the blood that's gonna flow from your body this Sunday at Judgment Day. And the yellow - the yellow stands for that big wide yellow streak that goes all the way down your back." McMahon adds a slap to punctuate it. Crowd chants "Hogan." Hogan pulls Vince back - right hand! Jackhammering! Right hand puts him down! Hogan rips off his shirt, adjusts his belt buckle (?) - then limps off the rope and drops the leg! Cue the music, one more time! Okay, so Hogan admits he's in denial about reality. Ha ha, he ain't alone, folks! UP NEXT: Triple H & Edge vs. Chris Jericho & Kurt Angle! Tough Enough 2 is NEXT! Lita shilla Stacker 2 one more time Judgment Day spot - Austin/Flair & Show hyped KURT ANGLE (Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania - 237 pounds - with EARLIER TONIGHT!) and CHRIS JERICHO (Winnipeg, Manitoba - 227 pounds) v. KING EDGE (Toronto, Ontario - 231 pounds) and TRIPLE H (Greenwich, Connecticut - 272 pounds)
referee: MIKE CHIODA
(No doubt Canadian) signs in crowd for Angle's entrance: "YOSUCK!" Edge decides to hit the ring early - and manages to do pretty well against two men until finally giving up the numbers - here comes H to stop the doubleteam stomp down - opposite corner brawling, the bell finally rings as H and Angle go outside - Edge kicking away on Jericho, H drops Angle on the barrier. Running clothesline on the floor. H in as Edge chops Jericho - chop, chop, overhand forearm to the back, right, into the ropes, Jericho ducks, but Edge hits the flapjack. Flying jalapeno. Mount, right, right, right, right, Jericho walks into the wrong corner and eats a right from H. Will they tag? Okay. H rams Jericho's head into the corner, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, menacing Chioda, but taking enough time for Jericho to sneak in a face rake - and tag out to Angle. But Angle runs into a high knee! Tag to Edge - Angle held for the open kick. Right hand, chop, Angle right, right, right, right, into the ropes is reversed, Edge with the Viscera. Edge goes up...kicks away Jericho, but Angle runs to the ropes zips up to the top and hits the belly-to-belly SUPERPLEX!! That SCARES me. 1, 2, H breaks it up. Jericho in without a tag - stomp, stomp, stomp. Head to the buckle, chop, replay, chop. Snapmares him over and dropkicks the back of the head. Jericho nudges him with his boot. Jericho looks to H and points to his chin (ha!). Tag to Angle. Open kick. Jericho adds a stomp before heading back to his corner. Edge fights back - right, right, right, right, whip is reversed, and Angle catches Edge in a big belly-to-belly. Tag to Jericho - held open for another kick. Into the ropes, back elbow. Lionsault...MISSES! H reaches for the tag - but Angle gets the tag and cuts him off. Forearm in the back, right hand, tag to Jericho. Jericho with a snap suplex..and holds on for a second - hey, who misses Kanyon? There's three. 1, 2, no. Jerihco boots his head, again, stands on the neck and holds the ropes for 4. Big chop. Jericho sits Edge on top - right, right, right, climbing up after him - Edge right, right, shove...leaps off with a missile dropkick and hits it! Now both men are down once again. Chioda is up to five - tag to Angle - Angle over to Edge, but the forearm in the back only puts Edge in his own corner and he makes the tag! Angle realises what he's done and is momentarily flustered - that's all Triple H needs. H on him with "Iblockyourpunchyoudon'tblockmine," right, right, ducks Jericho's clothesline and gives him a neckbreaker. Angle into the ropes, Andersonbuster - 1, 2, Jericho in to elbowdrop but H gets out of the way and Angle takes it. Right for Jericho, into the ropes is reversed but Jericho puts the head down so H gives him the facebuster. Gutshot - setting up for the Pedigree but Angle clotheslines him in the back. Doubleteam ensues...H put into the ropes, but he manages a double clothesline! Tag to Edge who is climbing up - HE hits a double clothesline from the top! Chop for Jericho, whip is reversed, Edge catches the dropkick and hits the WOW Catapult, taking Jericho up over and out of the ring! Angle with a forearm from behind - Olympic Slam is countered - Edge with his trademark "half nelson face slam" (thanks, Tazz!) - Jericho in with a CHAIR but Edge SPEARS him before he can use it! But Angle is up from behind and DOES get the Olympic Slam this time. Too much celebrating - H in with a gutshot - Pedigree! - 1, 2, Jericho breaks it up despite the fact that H isn't legal and he really shouldn't have had to. Right, right by H puts Jericho out, H follows. Jericho manages to put H into the ringpost, right, right, Chioda vainly tries to break it up and all he gets for his troubles is a squash into the barrier when H pushes the entire pile. Jericho right, H clothesline and they BOTH go into the crowd. Jericho into the barrier, Jericho right, right. Looks like they're going out through the tunnel. Back to the ring and these ARE our legal men, actually...Edge with "Iblockyourpunchyoudon'tblockmine," right, into the ropes - belly-to-belly by Edge! Edge waiting for him to get up so he can spear him...but Angle is ready with the chair! WHACK! Chioda finally recovered enough to crawl into the ring. A SECOND Olympic Slam for Edge - 1, 2, 3! (8:50) If that happens Sunday, Angle will have a LOT more hair to display to the crowd. I kinda doubt it, but hey - crazier things have happened! Credits are up and we're out.. No, wait, they play a bit of the Opening Credits again. How odd! Okay, NOW we're out. See you Sunday!