Good luck, Immolator! Don't forget where you done come from! KINGS UPDATE: Game 3 is Friday, Game 4 Sunday. No Peja in either, looks like. All I want is one - ONE win. Is that too much to ask? (MAYBE) I GET LETTERS: ATB continues to bring the UK luv: Chris, RAW is shown Fridays at 10pm GMT (5pm EST) on 'Sky Sports 1', which is essentially the British Fox Sports, focused around Soccer and other popular sports in Britain. (Sky == Fox, both are owned by Ruper Murdoch) Smackdown is shown on Saturdays, same time. They are both essentially uncut. (unlike in Canada) There are recaps and rebroadcasts shown on later days on other Sky channels, but those are usually censored to avoid showing chairshots, foreign object shots, etc. as they are during the daytime. (British TV shows pretty much anything including full frontal male/female nudity and simulated intercourse, but only in the evenings; similarly, swearing and violence isn't usually censored) WWE PPVs are usually shown live, also on Sky Sports 1. Occasionally, there are WWE PPVs that are shown on 'Sky Box Office', which is a standard PPV-only channel, requiring you to pay the equivalent of roughly $20 (last time I checked) for a show. Until last year, some PPVs were shown live on a free network TV station, Channel 4 (roughly 4-5 PPVs a year, spaced out over 12 months), but Channel 4 didn't renew their contract with the WWE. As an aside, I believe that the WWF shows are by far the most popular regular shown on Sky Sports. They are occasionally eclipsed by 'important' soccer matches, but nothing comes close to their regular popularity. As a further aside (and I am sure you have probably heard quite enough about British TV at this point), every British household that has a TV is required to pay a fee to the government, which provides a fund for the main national TV channels. (the main networks, BBC1/2/Channel4..) Those channels - operating independently from the government and having no set political agenda - can then provide high-quality TV programming without the financial constraints that ad-based programming would require. They can for instance air commercials criticizing drug manufaturing companies that were recently rejected by the US network stations because the stations didn't want to alienate their big ad customers. The yearly fee for owning a colour TV that can receive aerial signals is - I believe - around US $150. In addition, many UK households have digital satellite TV, usually via Sky Digital. This provides a basic set of channels for a standard monthly fee via dish + decoder. (usually around $30/month for the standard package). Additional channels vary in cost, but getting Sky Sports 1 costs roughly $10/month I believe. (and you get another sports channel 'free') As an aside, the 'good' US premium cable shows, for instance The Sopranos, are often shown on 'free' TV, such as Channel 4. The above-average 'really popular' network TV shows, e.g. Friends, Seinfeld, etc. are usually shown on Sky 1, which is the standard cable channel in the Sky package. As an aside, Britain, aka the United Kingdom, is the union of England, Wales, Scotland, and Northern Ireland. Neither of those countries are independent states, but they all have semi-independent legislatures with (relatively weak) rights (certainly nothing compared to the individual rights of states in the USA). All of them usually have independent sports teams for individual competitions (e.g. separate teams for the soccer World Cup, and for club competitions), but sometimes UK teams for larger competitions. (Olympics?) Thus - if your parents were Welsh, you are a Welshman, but you will have a British passport and you will be a British citizen/national. I know.. too much information. :-) It's ALL good (to know), daddy! QUICK HITS! VANILLA COKE: Okay STAR WARS AOTC: Haven't seen it (maybe this weekend?) SPIDER-MAN: Haven't seen it CELEB BOXING: Joey Buttafuoco fights DIRTY and I actually found myself feeling sorry for Joanie. Is something wrong with me? Also, Manute is very tall. Also, who wants to marry Darva Conger - rarrrrrr QUOTABLE: Hey, you know who CAN say "no" to Vince? TELEVISION VIEWERS ELVIS VS. JUNKIE XL: Get this, it rules NETSCAPE 7 PRERELEASE: Wow, iCab suddenly got some competiton on my desktop DEUTSCHLAND: Longshot - but hey. Email me if you're near *Pliening* and wouldn't mind doing me a small favour SO THAT'S WHERE THEY'RE GETTING THEIR IDEAS: I don't want to alarm anyone, but this week, somebody from the WWF read an ENTIRE five month block of my Nitro reports. We all shudder to think. (Which five months?) Hey now, we gotta keep SOME of our trade secrets over here, gang... Okay, I've wasted enough time....I guess... (An hour later) Okay, NOW I've wasted enough time. You know, there sure can be an awful lot of stuff to look at out there on the big ol' Web...sorry TOMORROW'S UPN MOVIE IS: This'll be the new recurring feature until they put together a new "UPN Thursday" bumper, I reckon. Anyway, *tomorrow's* UPN Movie is "High School High!" I am ashamed to admit I actually SAW this in a theatre! OHHHHHHHH TAG TV-PG-DLV - Attitude - Entertainment - WW! Say, let's watch that Judgment Day opening JUST ONE MORE TIME - is Hulk Hogan retiring? (What tipped it off, the big word RETIREMENT in this clip?) Well.....yeah Opening Credits are Beautiful, People! SNOOPYRO! Coming to you from the BancorpSouth Center in Tupelo, MS and SAP transmitido en espanol on UPN and the Score 23.5.2 (taped 21.5), this is SMACKDOWN! TONIGHT: It's confirmed with friends and family - Hollywood Hulk Hogan's Farewell Address! But first, our typical curtain jerker... TRIPLE H (Greenwich, Connecticut - 272 pounds) v. LANCE STORM (Calgary, Alberta - 230 pounds)
referee: MIKE CHIODA
Boy howdy, having nice big long entrances sure is nice for me because I don't have to type much of anything - but why's he coming out first? AH, POLITICS. H wears the bandages, sports the limp, and these are the little things to remind you that yeah, he *was* in that Hell in the Cell match just last Sunday. Oh, by the way - tonight, Hulk Hogan will retire! As if it weren't *enough* of an indignity that H didn't get an intro from ring announcer TONY CHIMEL, Storm has a mic! Just remember that every time the crowd says "What?" - well, you've heard me say this before. "If I can be serious for a minute...Triple H - you may thing you achieved a great victory over my fellow Canadian Chris Jericho Sunday night at Hell in the Cell...but all you really proved is that you aren't the impressive athletic competitor you claim to be. You're a barbaric, bloodthirsty animal - and you're about to be taught a severe lesson - like only a true wrestling technician can do!" He rushes the ring and promptly eats a right hand - another right by H, into the ropes, Storm ducks, but there's the high knee - whoops, that's the INJURED knee and H goes to a limp. H back on him - picking him up for a short clothesline. "Trip Pull H!" chant. H goes to the well once too often - Storm reverses into a jawjacker. Storm runs H into a top rope throating by way of Storm leaping over the top to the floor - very neat. Storm back in - right, right, right, say that isn't too technically sound. Another right puts H down. Into the ropes, H counters with a facebuster (on the GOOD knee - I think James Brown sang that once). H clotheslines him down and works a choke for a bit. Into the ropes is reversed - Storm with a dropkick, on the money. Storm rams H into a turnbuckle. Back elbow, back elbow, back elbow - into the opposite corner and H hits hard. "Triple H" chant starts back up. Storm stomps, stomp, foot on the throat as H leans against the bottom rope. Tonight, Hulk Hogan will retire! Storm targets the cut - right, right, right, right, steps on the neck and sure enough, the cut has been reopened. Storm drops the elbow from the apron to the floor. From the floor, elbow, elbow, elbow, right, right, back in the ring and hooks the leg for 2. Hey, he was under the rope - oh well. Storm chokes H on the second rope now. Storm on the apron, choke on the TOP rope - run into the turnbuckle - Storm springs off the top rope with a SWEET clothesline - 1, 2, NO! Storm mounts and punches - right, right, right, right, right. Chioda reminds him the closed fist is illegal - I don't think he cares. Kick in the back. Tonight, Hulk Hogan will retire! Right hand by Storm, right, right, H finally comes back with a knee - right, right, into the corner, reversed by Storm, but nobody's home on the splash...and H connects with the neckbreaker! Storm up first - but runs into the Andersonbuster - 1, 2, NO! H puts Storm into the ropes - Storm ducks - Storm with the SUPERKICK and H is down again. Storm grabs the injured knee and locks in his half crab. H does a goodly amount of screaming...but DOES make it to the bottom rope. Chioda forces a break. Storm's lying in wait - ANOTHER superkick finds the mark! Time to finish it - Storm going up top...but H shoves Chioda into the ropes, crotching Storm on the top turnbuckle! H is up - gutshot - Pedigree! 1, 2, 3. Awwwww. (5:50 - or 5.147 Storms) Backstage, Christian is seated - so the camera is low enough that we don't see Angle's head as he paces behind him. "Kurt, are you absolutely sure that you wanna do this?" "Christian, I have to. I don't want to - but I have to go out there tonight. Christian, do me a favour. Touch these." "Dude!" "No, no, these." He holds out the medals. "Oh." "Feel them, Christian." "I feel it, man, I feel it." "That's real gold." "I know, it's heavy!" "I didn't get the right to wear these babies by backin' down. I mean, I have to treat this toinght as a positive. Going out there tonight will be one of the most courageous things I've ever done - as if I weren't enough of a hero already." "You're right - and if you want to look at this as a positive, at least these people won't be chanting 'you suck!'" "That's right." "...they'll be chanting 'you're bald.' Heh heh heh (sings) 'You're bald / you're bald /' that's kinda catchy, you're - (sees Angle's hands on hips) - I mean, 'you're...bald-ly / hand-some / in a / manly way' - good luck out there, Kurt..." Camera pans up to see Angle holding a mirror in the way of his head. "All right, Angle...let's do this." Lita shills Stacker 2 Catch live action tomorrow in Duluth, Saturday in Winnipeg, Sunday in Red Deer, and Monday is RAW in Edmonton! While Test checks himself out in The Narcissist's mirror, Stacy approaches, relaying a request from Mr. McMahon - take Randy Orton out. Test says he'll do it, but first...he'll take care of her. He whips her around melodramatically and plants one on her. Unlike with Vince, their lips actually TOUCH! And now he leaves her behind to, I assume, bite her finger. The music's playing, but Kurt isn't out. Let's give him a *second* intro - hey, you know what would be funny? Since he's already using the Patriot's music, he should come out IN HIS MASK as well. Oh, well, KURT ANGLE does me one better by coming out in a rug held on by an amateur wrestling head gear. Crowd is unhappy. "Well, well, well. People says it was a damn near miracle when I won an Olympic gold medal with a broken freakin' neck - but this almost tops it! I mean, it's amazing what hair supplements can do these days. In less than a week, I was able to regrow my hair to its beautiful natural state. I even let it grow out a little just for kicks! Now I'm sorry that people paid good money to come see some bald, pathetic loser crying in the middle of the ring - but look on the bright side...there's always Hulk Hogan to look forward to tonight!" Tonight, Hulk Hogan will retire! "And as for me, Edge may have gotten a quick fluke victory over me at Judgment Day - but Your Olympic Hero will NOT be anyone's object of ridicule! Now I'm gonna go in the back and try on some brand new mousse I just bought, so if you'll excuse me--" Well, not yet - TOUGH ENOUGH 1 CHAMPION MAVEN is out to get some yuks. "Kurt, Kurt, Kurt - now it is absolutely none of my business, but I'm here to tell you that there is no shame in bein' bald. And to be perfectly honest with you, it's not that bad - who knows, you might even look better? So Kurt, why don't you do yourself a favour - take that RIDICULOUS Elton John lookin' rug off your head, and just be yourself. I mean, your fans...they're not gonna make fun of ya!" Maven keeps trying to give the impression of big giant belly laughs, but it ain't workin', so they keep cutting away. "I mean, you people wanna see Kurt Angle in his natural state, right? Right?" "Excuse me? Do I know you? Do you work here or somethin'? Oh...you're that guy that won some contract on MTV or something. That's real impressive. But do you have any idea who you're talkin' to? I'm Kurt Angle! THE Kurt Angle! If you think this is a wig...and want it off my head so badly...why don't you come down here and remove it yourself?" Maven's grin fades...and now he's on his way! Well, that was dumb - Angle's all over him, stomping away, kick to the head, but Maven ducks a swing, hits his dropkick right on the nose - and works on grabbing the headgear...but Angle turns it around to a German suplex! Angle leaves the ring to boos...but now KING EDGE is out, barrelling over Angle and now HE works on the headgear - this brings out CHRISTIAN to make the save, knocking over Edge and helping Angle to the back. Maven joins Edge outside the ring as the Patriot's music plays again...we'll be right back Rob van Dam continues to shill Slurpees, even though I can't get that Bruisin' Berry flavour anymore. BLUE Mountain Dew? What's the world coming to? STACY KEIBLER is allegedly dancing on the commentary table when we come back. Cole: "I'm BEGGING ya to pay attention to the product." Funny, that looks EXACTLY like what he's doing. Anyway, she's out to join the crew for the next match. TEST (Toronto, Ontario - 282 pounds - with Velocity hype: Trish vs. Stacy in a bra and panties match for the title! 10PM on TNN) v. RANDY ORTON (St. Louis, Missouri - 240 pounds)
referee: TEDDY LONG
Test offers the Hand of Friendship - Orton won't take it, so Test slaps him - repeated forearms in the back, repeated stomping, right in the corner, taken to the adjacent corner, three back elbows, make it four, kick, kick, kick, kick, and tossed over the top to the floor. Well this has been one-way so far. Orton back in - ducks a swing, hits a dropkick. Another dropkick from Orton. Right, right, into the ropes, Test reverses into a knee - Meltdown - 1, 2, TEST PULLS HIM UP OHHHHHH. Stacy delivers her lines with all the intensity of someone who needs to read a 3x5 card with "(sultry) I attend to each and every one of his needs" on it. Right, right, right, right, right, right, right, I think I got all of them - Long pulls him off - LONG POINTS TO HIS PATCH YES - "That's right, and I'm enjoying EVERY minute of it." Test runs for Orton with the Boot, but Orton ducks out and Test crotches himself - Orton yanks on the ropes to amplify the effect - bouncy bouncy! Orton with a clothesline, clothesline, Test ducks one but Orton hits a shoulderblock. Orton going up - Test with a right. Test climbs up after him - Orton right, right, shoves him off, crossbody block - 1, 2, no. Test takes umbrage with Long, going so far as to rare back as if to slug him...but Orton spins him round, right, right, Test reverses to a knee, wants another Meltdown but Orton breaks free, drops down and hits the Marc Mero reverse rollup for 2 - knee by Test, shoulder into the post. He seems annoyed and goes for Long AGAIN...giving Orton time to recover - into the corner but Orton is up and over - another rollup, another 2. Test has a full nelson, but Orton rolls out of it and there's ANOTHER rollup for 2. Test hooks his arm on the swing, then busts out Reno's Roll of the Dice (inverted facelock into overhead swinging neckbreaker) for 1, 2, 3. (3:31) Oh, that reminds me: I GET LETTERS: Zachary T. Rearick chides: CRZ,I have never been so ashamed to read your writings before in my entire life.You have embarrassed yourself and everyone else on your site.How?"Orton ducks a swing, gutshot, "what the hell was that?" (swinging neckbreaker from a Rocker Dropper, using the leg instead of a facelock - PRETTY, but kinda harmless looking)"How DARE you diss "Primetime" Elix Skipper by pretending not to have ever seen his finisher before.Do the words "Play of the Week" ring a bell?!?How about ""Overdrive"?!?You don't deserve to recap wrestling shows.I think it's time to give all the loyal fans of Elix an apology.What time?Primetime. Man, trying using spaces between your sentences next time! Anyway, it's not RACISM that I id'd Reno's move and not Skipper's - it's that letter reminding me to do my damn research. That's it. Now you know. TONIGHT: Hulk Hogan's Farewell Address! We're gonna hype it ALLLLLL NITE Saturday on the debut of WWE Confidential, Shawn Michaels SPEAKS! And Mean Gene....POSES! Naw, I dunno - let's watch it together, Saturday at 11pm on THE NEW TNN "Hulkamania" magazine ad - hurry up and buy it before you decide you're TIRED of him Take a look at the pretty sign on the outside of the BancorpSouth Center! MARC LLLLLLOYD stands with The Undertaker, and his setup question is taking a bit long. "Are you done? Yeah, I thought you might be. Now listen, and this is how the story goes. You see, I told the world what I was gonna do. I told the world that I would be judge, jury and executioner of Hulk Hogan and Hulkamania. I said it - I did it. *I* am the WWE Undisputed Champion. Now do you know what that means? That means that I am the best in the world...that I am alone at the top of the ladder. It means that I am the man to beat. And I'm sure there are several superstars out there that aspire to be Undisputed champion. But to have that particular distinction, they have to step into my yard, they gotta look Big Evil in the eye - and they have to take this title from me. And quite frankly, I don't see anybody out there that's ready to step up and take that challenge. Loyd asks him about what some might call losing the title to Rob van Dam. "Who?" Let Us Take You Back to RAW for a video package of clips from the opening segment - and the final one - also known as, "go read the RAW report" - It still makes me smile hearing Ross say "The Awesome Undertaker," yo "And your point is? You're some kinda little smart(ass), aren'cha? Listen - Ric Flair said, due to poor officiating, that the match never ended. So the match continued. THE MATCH CONTINUED. And I *am* the WWE Undisputed Champion. If that's all right with you. And if it is, can we get back to the reason why I'm here in the first place? I came here to watch the end result of my handiwork - I came here to see the death of Hulk Hogan...and Hulkamania. If that's all right with you." Meanwhile, Rico admires his tag team title belt. Billy & Chuck show up - Billy says he hops Rico isn't getting too attached to the gold. "What, this? No - no way! I know it's just temporary. I mean, it was a fluke! You know. I was champion by default. I'll have you know it KILLS me to have to wear this thing. I mean, you see this gold? It doesn't go with any of my clothes. Look at this - it looks horrible on me - it looks horrible. YOU guys should be champions - in fact, you guys DESERVE to be champions!" Chuck asks him to remember who brought him to the dance. "I know who brought me to the dance - but don't worry. Somehow, some way, I'm gonna prove that I'm still faithful to you guys. Now come on - whaddaya say? Come on." There's a group hug - but Billy & Chuck share a look. "You prove it." "I will!" "Good luck, buddy." Rico checks out the title again.... Meanwhile, Chris Jericho is WALKING! slowly - "Ah, Faarooq - this is perfect, you're just the guy I've been looking for." "Man, are you high? Or drunk? Oh, I know what it is - you just got hit too many times in the head at Hell in the Cell." "First of all, I'm not high. Second of all, yeah I got hit in the head too many times at Hell in the Cell, you can tell, obviously I got the beating of my lifetime at the Hell in the Cell, and tonight four days later I show up and I have to work? I have to work tonight? It's ridiculous. I mean, I got a pounding headache, I can barely walk - no wonder Mick Foley retired after his Hell in the Cell match - it's a brutal, barbaric match. I got stitches in my head, I got stitches in my arm, I got bumps and bruises and most importantly of all, I have no desire to fight anyone tonight, so I need some protection." "Protection?" "Yeah, protection - isn't that what you do, protect people, listen let's not make this a tough negotiation, okay? I got a lotta money. I mean, I've got a lot of money so just tell me how much I have to pay, 'cause I don't wanna defend myself tonight." "Listen, man, the only thing you better pay is attention." He walks off. "What's that supposed to mean? What are you talking about, who's my opponent, you know something I don't know, huh?" Jericho spins round to see Mark Henry standing there. "Hey sugar britches! You sure got a pretty face. It's a damn shame it's gonna get all busted up...by me." Jericho's jaw drops. UP NEXT: Edge & Maven v. Kurt Angle & Christian! WWE Shop Zone Dot Com ad Booker T shills Swanson's Hungry-Man - with "corn'n puddin'" Wanna go one on one with a WWE Superstar? Enter the Xbox Ultimate Experience Sweepstakes for a chance to win a trip to OH MAN THE WORLD "Iron Chef USA" is back Wednesday - commentators do the shill KING EDGE (Toronto, Ontario - 241 pounds - TV-PG-DLV & SAP transmitido en espanol) and MAVEN (Charlottesville, Virginia - 222 pounds - with EARLIER TONIGHT!) v. CHRISTIAN (Tampa, Florida - 224 pounds) and KURT ANGLE (Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania - 237 pounds)
referee: BRIAN HEBNER
Christian is content to wait for Angle before heading to the ring. For some flabbergastingly unknown reason, BOTH Edge & Maven turn their backs, allowing Angle to pounce on Edge from behind to take the opening advantage. Right, right, kick, stomp, stomp. Elbow, right, into the ropes, reversed, Edge hits a Viscera. Edge ducks a swing, gutshot, faceplant (I guess), going for the headgear so Angle crawls to the tag. Christian from behind, right, right, stomp, stomp, stomp. Right hand. Into the ropes, Edge slides under - Christian runs into the flapjack. Edge right, right, right, tag. Maven right, right, right, into the ropes, head down, kick by Christian - kick, off the ropes, but into a heel kick from Maven. We cut to a dressing room where Trish & Torrie are engaged in a little girl talk - possibly about Torrie's date with Maven, who cares. Into the corner is reversed by Christian into a belly-to-belly by Angle. Must have been a big edit there. Stomp by Christian, stomp, backbreaker, 2. Right, right, stomp, into the corner, chop by Christian, chop, right. Angle gets in a choke while Edge distracts Hebner. There's a tag to Angle. Straight right hand. Edge points to Edge, then fluffs his hair. THIS time, while Hebner's back is turned, Maven lands an uppernut. Tazz says HE sure didn't teach him that! Both men crawl to their corners...tag to Christian, HOT TAG to Edge! Edge ducks the swing and gives Angle a free shot - clothesline for Christian, clothesline, into the ropes, big back body drop. Back body drop for Angle when he comes in - Edge-o-matic on Christian gets 2, and Angle breaks it up. Angle goes to work - right, right by Christian, doubleteam into the ropes, Edge with a double clothesline! Maven gets the tag and now all four men are going at it in opposite corners - Maven handles Christian but Angle turns it around on Edge, hitting the Olympic Slam - swing and a miss for Maven - Maven with a gutshot and DDT on Angle! Maven going up top...both Angle and Christian staggering towards him - Angle ducks the missile dropkick but not Christian - 1, 2, no! Angle with a German suplex on Maven, Edge back over with the half nelson faceplant, Christian on Edge with a right, right, right, into the ropes, Edge ducks, Edge with the SPEAR - then running at Angle, but he dumps him on the floor! Maven over to clothesline Angle out of the ring right after him, CHRISTIAN over to give Maven the Unprettier...but Maven is out of it, dropping down and backing into a rollup - 1, 2, 3! (4:28) Whoa, a lot sure happened in those final moments. Christian throws a minor tantrum but Angle at least still has his gear on. HOLLYWOOD HOGAN RETIRES TONIGHT "WWE Divas: Tropical Pleasures" is available all month on pay-per-view! And now, the WWE Smack of the Night, brought to you by EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE - from Judgment Day, Deacon Batista uses the money box to help turn the tide against Bubba Ray - then he and D-Von put him through a table. REVEREND D-VON (Dudleyville - 242 pounds - with Deacon Batista and KBHK's station ID) v. RIKISHI (Isle of Samoa - 350 pounds - with Let Us Take You Back to Judgment Day)
referee: Long
D-Von has new gospel music - get happy! They at least make a *passing* attempt to explain McMahon's rationale for making Rico Rikshi's partner so a "B" for effort. D-Von's got something to say after the moon comes out: "Oh no - no no no no - hey, Rikishi - hey - that's disgusting! That's distasteful! Oh, that's sinful! You get the hell - I mean the heck in the back right now and put some clothes on - you heathen!" Instead, he gets a right hand in the mush - ring the bell. Right, right, into the ropes, big clothesline, into the ropes, D-Von ducks, head down, leapfrog by D-Von, sunset flip attempt, no, 'kishi pats his rump and D-Von decides to get outta there before the buttdrop. D-Von crawls to the corner and says a quick prayer. Hmm, RICO THE STYLIST is out to be distracting. 'kishi manages to duck and give D-Von a belly-to-belly, but he's quite cognizant of Rico being out there. Head to the buckle, head to the buckle, head to the buckle, finally with Long's back turned D-Von's trick knee acts up to turn it back his way. Jumpin' clothesline off the rope. Right, right, right, right, right, kick, BILLY & CHUCK are out, knee against the neck. D-Von over the top to the floor, landing a punch on his way down. Back in, wants a suplex but it ain't happening - ohh his back hurts. D-Von walks into a scoop...but Batista grabs the ankle and turns it to a D-Von press - 1, 2, no. Both men up slowly. Rikishi with "Iblockyourpunchyoudon'tblockmine," again, right, right, D-Von up with a knee, DDT - you can't DDT a Samoan! RIKISHIKICK after 'kishi pops right back up. 'kishi puts D-Von into the ropes - press and attempted Cutter on the way down, but 'kishi totally misses it - D-Von still sells like a champ, though. Tonight, Hulk Hogan will retire! Batista on the apron - 'kishi puts him down with a right hand. Fat ass splash in the corner, and D-Von flumps down. Batista up on the apron to try to save him, but Long won't let him in - unfortunately, Long fails to account for Rico, who comes in and brains 'kishi with his title belt. D-Von over - 1, 2, 3. (3:11) Post-match, Batista lays in the boots, then gives him an impressive spinebuster. Chuck & Billy get some yuks out of it as Rico comes into the ring to "check on his partner" - while giving thumbs up towards the ramp. Cole: "Well, it seems to me that Mr. McMahon has never forgotten the fact that he got his face shoved into Rikishi's backside a few months back...and Rikishi was never punished for it!" Okay, I'll bump it up to an "A-," then - SOMEBODY'S trying to make sense of it all for my benefit... Tough Enough 2: the Soundtrack CD ad More live dates go HERE! Saturday, Saskatoon! Sunday, Regina! Monday, Lethbridge! Tuesday, Calgary! EARLIER TODAY! Chavo watched his RAW tape - specifically, Eddie beating up Austin. "Orale Eddie! Kick his butt! That's what you get, Stone Cold Steve Austin, when you mess with a Guerrero!" I guess he's a heel tonight. Gregory Helms interrupts, seeking an interview. Could HE be behind those dastardly notes? "I don't need to leave any stinkin' notes for the Hurricane. I'm gonna terrorize him personally in that ring tonight - and then, I'm gonna take his title! You tell that to your leetle friend, Gregory." Smelling something, Helms opens a nearby locker, to reveal... "By the power of Greyskull, another note. 'I'm not tall, and I'm not fat / but I left you a clue... (produces an opened bag of Bridgford beef jerky) ...what's up with that?'" Marc Loyd (who, BY THE WAY, enters his own name into search engines - but hey, who doesn't?) stands with Triple H, complete with icepack on elbow. Not only did he get the duke on Sunday, but to come back and get a victory against Lance Storm is nothing short of amazing! "You're right, you know, Hell in the Cell is the most brutal match ever devised. But I'll tell you what, in that match I mighta got the 1-2-3 but there are no winners. In Hell in the Cell there are just survivors. And here I am, I am the survivor. And Lance Storm found out tonight that not only am I a survivor, but I am The Game. So now my focus is not on Lance Storm, and my focus is no longer on Chris Jericho - my focus is back where it always should have been, and always will be, and that's becoming the WWE Undisputed Champion." Storm interrupts: "Hey Hunter - you got lucky tonight - but your luck - it's about to run out." Then *Test* flies in with the Wotsitolla Boot, putting H down. Hey wait, didn't Roger Hayden write THIS, too? van Dam has another Slurpee - wow, he's sure got quite the sweet tooth after he's been smoking his WEEEEEEEEEED "Velocity" ad - the SmackDown! version of "Velocity" premiers Saturday at 10 on TNN Speaking of which, Trish vs. Stacy in a bra & panties match will headline that same "Velocity" MOMENTS AGO! Three paragraphs ago, Storm said something about oats WWE CRUISERWEIGHT CHAMPIONSHIP: THE HURRICANE (champion - Parts Unknown - 215 pounds) v. CHAVO GUERRERO, JR. (challenger - El Paso, Tejas - 213 pounds)
referee: JIMMY KORDERAS
Chavo with a shove - oh, it's gonna be like that. Hurricane ducks the swing, eyepoke, snapmare, off the ropes with a shoulderblock, pose, up and over, Chavo tries a leapfrog but Hurricane turns it into a powerslam for 2. Tonight, Hulk Hogan will retire! To the headlock. Chavo back to his feet, shoves Hurricane sternum-first into the buckle, death suplex, stomp, stomp, European uppercut, Tonight, Hulk Hogan will retire!, sets up Hurricane on the second turnbuckle, kick, right, right, right, WOW what a standing dropkick to the top of Hurricane's head - cover, 1, 2, no! Hurricane with a gutshot, right, right, off the ropes, but into another great dropkick by Guerrero - 1, 2, Hurricane kicks out. Chavo wants the suplex - block, block, commentators have spent the ENTIRE match talking about Hulk FUCKING Hogan, right by Hurricane, right, right, pulls Chavo into a clothesline but he ducks, off the ropes Hurricane DOES hit the clothesline. "Iblockyourpunchyoudon'tblockmine," right, right, into the corner, neckbreaker as he comes out, 1, 2, no. Tonight, Hulk Hogan will retire! Guerrero comes right back with a reverse of the whip into a BIG sidewalk slam (almost on his head) - 1, 2, no! Hurricane tries for the chokeslam when Guerrero takes too long arguing with Korderas - Guerrero shakes him off and puts him into the ropes, Hurricane ducks, choke again, Guerrero with a back elbow to get out. Hurricane into the corner, back elbow up as Guerrero charges in. Hurricane to the second rope - Buff Blockbuster (which he calls the "Overcast") - 1, 2, 3! (2:56) In the Room of Fun, Stacy says a lot of nothing to Vince - the kiss from Test meant nothing, her dancing on the table meant nothing, and so on. Vince says nothing can make him angry tonight because history will be made when Tonight, Hulk Hogan will retire! Vince compares Hogan's farewell address with a State of the Union, or Lincoln's Gettysburg Address - that kind of historical significance attached. Chris Jericho interrupts to ask why exactly he's in a match, half a man. "Listen, I appreciate what you did in Hell in the Cell - but this is an opportunity. This is an opportunity for you to take another step in your legacy. Chris Jericho, CAN YOU BEAT the World's Strongest Man?" Jericho does a 180, taking umbrage at the question, so he'll do it, "...but what did he mean when he called me 'sweet britches?'" And now, the WWE Slam of the Week, presented by Subway - eat Jared! From Judgment Day, referee Tim White takes a spectacular facefirst bump into the cage wall - then Jericho beats him up after he fails to be around to count a fall. Your hosts are MICHAEL KING COLE & TAZZZZZZZZZZ, who reveal that Timmy White suffered a separated shoulder, needed stitches and may even need surgery. Hell in the Cell isn't only murder on the wrestlers! Isn't White a little OLD to have people calling him "Timmy?" CHRIS JERICHO (Winnipeg, Manitoba - 227 pounds - with SmackDown! is brought to you by Stacker 2, Panasonic's EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE ware, and Taco Bell - EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE) v. MARK HENRY (Silsbee, Tejas - 353 pounds)
referee: MIKE SPARKS
Jericho shows off his muscles - Henry isn't impressed. Lockup, Henry moves them easily to the ropes - Sparks forces the break and Jericho kicks - kick, off the ropes into a big boot from Henry. Right hand by Henry. Henry - shows off his lovely "Put a little SmackDown! on it!" T-shirt? Hmm. Whoops, *Jericho's* cut is opened up. Henry with a forearm across the chest. Whip into the opposite corner, avalanche. Big right hand to the ribs. Left hand. Another left. Say, with tonight being Tonight, Hulk Hogan will retire!, is this our main event? Henry with a big big beal across the entire ring. Jericho is in position - Henry walks over him on the way to the ropes - Vaderbomb...MISSES!! Jericho manages a dropkick to the fallen Henry. Jericho right, off the ropes... but into a bodyblock and down hard. Tonight, Hulk Hogan will retire! Henry runs in but Jericho puts the boots up. Jericho on the second rope - Henry CATCHES him - military press (four reps) and drop. Henry looks for accolades - crowd seems to comply. HEY! The "Chocolate Moose" (Boss Man straddle/second rope slide through) is back (and you BETTER give me some damn props for remembering THAT move name, God dammit - even if it's probably "Mousse," which isn't as funny) Jericho sells THAT like a champ, falling out to the floor next to Henry. Henry puts him on his shoulder...but Jericho manages to put him into the post. Jericho goes for a chair but Henry shakes it off and puts *Jericho* into the post. Sparks breaks his count when Henry puts Jericho in...but goes back for a chair of his own before coming back in. Sparks won't let that fly, and takes it away...of course, behind his back, Jericho manages to cut loose with a chairshot to *Henry's* back - leg is hooked, 1, 2, 3. (3:17) UP NEXT: Hollywood Hulk hogan RETIRES Tough Enough 2 IS NEXT! (Buy the soundtrack!) Lita shills Stacker 2 - again Take a gander at the WWE.com homepage Well, here he comes...one last time. YOU KNOW WHO. Check the clock on the wall, we got about seventeen minutes of show left for our main event.....interview, which hopefully doesn't entail eleven minutes of ovation, but who can say. Does it make sense that Hogan would end up making this speech in Tupelo? (Only if you consider this is the final week of sweeps!) IS it? I thought sweeps ended LAST week. (Oh shit, you're right. Well hell, they didn't plan this very well, did they?) Anyway, if this paragraph turns out extra short, you know why - nobody's said anything. Hey, again, let's give it up for Cole & Tazz knowing to keep their mouths shut during this. A short four minutes pass before Hogan says "No doubt I love you guys. You know, I was born Terry Bollea, August 11th, 1953 in Augusta, Georgia...but I was raised, I was raised in Tampa, Florida. I was the proud son of a pipefitter and a housewife, Ruth & Pete Bollea. And my parents were working-class people that worked all their lives just to support our family. And then, and then, maniacs, one day about twenty years ago I had the opportunity to get into this business. I had the honour, and I had the privlege to perform in front of you, and millions of maniacs all the way around the world. I mean, for the last twenty years I've had a blast. I have had the time of my life." Another "Hogan" chant. "Thank you guys very much, but I mean, I gotta say this. For the last twenty years I've had the time of my life, but there's only one thing that I regret right now. And that is that, that my father passed away at Christmastime and he's not alive right now to see me out here with all my Hulkamaniacs. Around Christmastime my dad had his sixth stroke - and you know, I was at the hospital with him for four months and as he lie, lying in the hospital, he didn't even show any emotion on his face, but on Monday nights when RAW was on, or on Thursday nights when SmackDown! was on, he just lit up. And I mean, he was laying there, guys, and he was 88 years old, he was on life support, he had the heart monitor, he had the feeding tube, and the bottom line was one day, he just got tired o' layin' there, man. One day he got tired o' lookin' at me, and I was livin' for every breath that he said, and on that day he tore that trach tube out of his throat, and I swear before my God, my father said two things to me. The one thing he said to me was 'Terry, you need to go back to wrestling and straighten out your career...' and the other thing, and the other thing my dad said to me was he said 'Terry, you need to go back home, and you need to go back to the WWF.'" He's losing it now. "Well here I am, guys - and I couldn't have done it..." Another "Hogan" chant. "And I couldn't have done it without all you guys out here, so thank you. I wanta thank you guys and all you Hulkamaniacs for your encouragement. I wanna thank you guys for believing in me...and if it wasn't for you guys, I wouldn't be who I am today, so thank you. But there's one other thing I have to thank you for, and I have to thank you right now for helping me take the biggest step in my professional career. You know, there comes a time in every man's life, whether it's injuries, timing or whatever it is where you just have to step down. It's like Kenny Rogers said, you gotta know when to hold 'em, and know when to fold 'em. So I wanna thank you guys for believin' in me. I wanna thank you guys for believin' in Hulkamania...but most of all, I wanna thank you mostly for all of the memories. And before I leave this ring tonight, before I leave this arena for the very last time, I've got one hope and I've got one dream - and that dream is that Hulkamania and all you Hulkamaniacs will be immortal and Hulkamania will live forever. So from my heart, Hulkamaniacs, thank you." Well you know there's still seven minutes left in this show - Hogan goes to all four sides with a point to his heart and a point to the crowd - well what the hell, Hogan cups his ear one more time....ohhhh, here we go. BILLIONAIRE VINCE does the biggest walk he can muster on the way down to the ring. Get him the stick! "Say it ain't so - God - say it ain't so! My God, the sky is falling down. The sky is falling, the world is coming to an end because Hulk Hogan is announcing his retirement. And, and where - just where is Hulk Hogan making the most important announcement in his professional career?" OH SNAP HE'S GONNA GO THERE "Why...why it seems somehow apropos and somehow pathetic that you would be making such an announcement right here, right here in the very rectum of Mississippi, Tupelo. Then again, then again I coulda told last week you were gonna pull some kinda stunt like this. I could smell it on ya, Hogan. Hogan, read my lips. There's No Chance in Hell of you retiring. You're not gonna retire tonight, you're not gonna retire any night, and I'll tell you why. 'cause ten years ago, you walked out on me - not this time, 'cause this time I have a signed contract, and if you retire tonight, I'll sue YOU and your family for everything you've got! See, Hogan, I look at it this way, the - I think the only way you're ever gonna leave MY company...is when your body is decomposing in a pine box. I'd like to remind you - I created Hulk Hogan. I own Hulkamania. Oh yes I do. And I intend, Hogan, I intend to milk Hulkamania for every cent I can until the day you diiiiiie." "You know, Vince...(grabs him)...you know something, Vince McMahon - one day, I may retire but it won't be until I kick - your - ass!" Right hand! Hogan removes his weight belt - whip! Whip! Hogan can't continue, though, as THE AWESOME UNDERTAKER hits the ring at this point, taking Hogan out with a forearm in the back. Soupbone! Left soupbone left soupbone left soupbone left soupbone left soupbone, back elbow, kick, soupbone...soupbone! Into the opposite corner - Hogan gets an elbow up. Off the ropes with an axehandle. Hogan with a clothesline that takes Taker over the top and to the floor! Hit the music! Taker and McMahon head up the ramp as Hogan brandishes his weight belt, daring them to come back. "Hulkamania's gonna DIE on MY terms!" Cole: "But not tonight!" Credits are up - Tough Enough 2 is NEXT! Hoo-ee! And to think, that bait and switch always worked SO well for the LAST company that tried it! Oh, and I think hearing Hogan give this speech a few weeks back on the UPN 9 News kinda ruined it for me tonight. SEE YA!