You can say what you want, but as of RIGHT NOW, Austin is Chyna. Simple as that. And if you'll allow me to get on my high horse and issue an edict, let me get this on the record where all the fine folks can read it - this company better tread *really* lightly with me about this "sitaution," because I'm THIS close to shutting the whole damn thing down. I mean it. It doesn't MATTER whether or not Austin is right - or whether or not the WWE is right. DAMN IT, IT SHOULD NEVER HAVE GONE THIS FAR IN THE FIRST PLACE. It's a fucking shame that more and more I'm being left with the impression that people are more interested in sucking their finger, sticking it in the air and checking to see if their "spin" is taking when what they SHOULD be doing is applying all that energy towards putting their own house in order. Okay, you want my opinion, here it is: FIX IT. And I don't mean "fix it by trying to make me think this is really the next great 'shoot' angle that will revolutionise business," and I don't mean "fix it by trying to convince me I never liked Austin and I should be glad he's gone," and I don't mean "fix it by pulling the trigger on bringing in Goldberg in the hopes I won't notice or even care that you don't mention Austin's name as soon as 'Confidential' is over." After fucking beyond belief the can't-miss, longterm moneymaking storyline of the century with WCW, pissing away your biggest show of the year by giving the most screentime in the World Championship storyline to a bitch (not to mention Lucy), splitting an already weak whole into two even weaker halves but hoping nobody'd notice by repeating a "brand extension" mantra, this is it - the last chance. There's no goodwill left. Blow this and Kurt Angle will have PLENTY of time to train for the Olympics because there'll be nothing else for him to do. Am I only exaggerating because I'm PISSED OFF? Well, who cares what "the Internet" thinks anyhow, right? UPN HYPE OF THE WEEK: "One on One" airs Monday at 8:30 after "The Hughleys!" If it's a night of black sitcoms, it's UPN Monday! TV-PG-DLV - Attitude - Entertainment - WW! LAST MONDAY: Go read the RAW Report - just how big IS the reset button? It better be big enough to bring back Austin - okay, that was supposed to all be out during the opener - sorry. No more of that during the report, I promise. Wow, they sure want you to think Arn Anderson's in cahoots with all these guys, don't they? I mean, there's a subtle way to use the magic of editing and then there's this...fuck, I sure hope Austin comes back - SORRY BY THE WAY, what kind of IDIOT puts half-ownership of a 960 MILLION DOLLAR COMPANY on the line in a wrestling match without taking ANY attempt to make sure there's no way they lose their **480 MILLION DOLLARS'** worth of ownership? Well, Flair and McMahon are two kinds of idiot, I guess...sheesh Closed captioned logo in the Opening Credits - Beautiful, People! CANOPYRO! Coming to you from the BI-LO (A Great Place To) Center in Greenville, SC and SAP transmitido en espanol, this is WWE SmackDown! for 13.6.2 (taped 11.6) and we waste no time A DOZEN MEMBERS OF R&B SECURITY are in the (red-carpeted) ring, flanking a table and two chairs. "No Chance in Hell" plays - and means that there's no doubt as to the direction of this company, shit, BILLIONAIRE VINCE swaggers out to the ring without a care in the world - and that's ANOTHER of his problems. Maybe he SHOULD care. Vince stands on the table. "Last Monday night - last Monday night, I put my LIFE on the line. My life is World Wrestling Entertainment - I put my life on the line in a no holds barred, winner take all match with Ric Flair! And I won! You see, the contract stipulated that the winner of the match, the winner of the match would have 100% sole ownership of all WWE properties. Which means that, once again I now own RAW, I own SmackDown!, hell, I own it all! It's only natural that a powerful man like myself would be so successful because, quite frankly, in real life as you all know powerful individuals only become more powerful. Rich people, or in my case, the filthy rich only become more rich. But people such as myself - we, we understand our responsibilities to people like you. No no no, people like you, the less fortunate. You see, I know - I know it's important for you to get your mind off of the daily grind you endure. I know it's important for you to, to just not think about the miserable existence that you call a life. And I accept that responsibility, and the way that we get your mind off of those things is by entertaining you. And tonight, by God, right here on SmackDown!, we're gonna entertain ya. And we're gonna start with an official contract signing. For the official (?) WWE Championship - such match to take place at this year's King of the Ring - so allow me to introduce you to, the one and the only, the man, the myth, he is the Phenom, he is the UNDISPUTED World Wrestling Entertainment champion, ladies and gentlemen, THE UNDERTAKER!" Taker opts for walking tonight. Once hitting the ring, Taker removes the belt from around his waist and displays it high above his head, egging on the crowd. "And now, the challenger, TRIPLE H." Surprisingly, H foregoes his "whale's blowhole" pose, although he sure makes it look like he's holding back a big spit through most of his entrance - guess that's just his jawline, though. "All right - just cool your jets. Let's behave as gentlemen for a change. You both have read this document. Undertaker, if you wouldn't mind taking a seat...just go ahead and sign it." And he does - but not before giving H a look - and a chuckle. "And now, uh, Triple H...have a seat. Sign the document." Taker rises from his seat. "You do want this match, don'cha? HAVE A SEAT and sign the contract." H opts to toss the chair to the floor, almost creaming a tech in the process - but does give Taker a sneer, then sign the contract. "Ladies and gentlemen, it is official. A the King of the Ring for the Undisputed WWE Championship, Triple H versus The Undertaker!" The music hits and Vince exits the ring, taking eight of the security men with him. Taker and H exchange some words in the ring - until the four other security folk grab Triple H and run him to the corner - Taker climbs onto the table and flies in with a clothesline! Soupbones and lefts and more soupbones - Taker upends the table to make some room - big boot! Taker sends the security out after him - of course, four members of R&B Security are no match for the mighty Triple H...then he goes under the ring and produces a sledgehammer. Taker decides to head for higher ground, leaving H to work over the table instead. H grabs the mic. "Dead Man, get your (ass) out here! Vince, you bring his (ass) in this ring or you ain't havin' a show, because I ain't leavin' this ring until I get The Undertaker tonight! I've got my shot at the title - at the King of the Ring, I will become the WWE Undisputed Champion! But right now, I just want The Undertaker's (ass)." Wow, H usually doesn't say such...*queer* things, yuk yuk. "Vince, bring him to me or it's gonna be a real long night." Man, H is just FULL of straight lines tonight. H goes out, brings a security guy back into the ring, then gives HIM a gutshot and Pedigree. Cole: "Triple H has exploded!" Man, you can't WRITE yuks like this if you're TRYING. Let's take an ad break! When we come back, H is still in the ring - but up on the stage are BILLY & CHUCK & RICO - he and he with a chair, he with a mic. "WHAT do you think you're doing in that ring? I'M supposed to compete tonight!" Chuck: "Hey, Triple H - what part of this do you not understand? Our Stylist (Rico) has a match tonight with Rikishi - and he WILL get his revenge!" Billy: "Hey what part of this are you not gettin'?! Move out of that ring before we come and move you out!" "Now Billy, Billy - listen. I'm really glad that you and your...partner...that you and your partner have found a whole new meaning to the phrase 'suck it' - but Billy, you come to this ring, the only thing you're gonna be suckin' on is the end of this sledgehammer." Well, here he comes - but H puts the sledgehammer to the chair, to Billy's head - he goes down (goes down! AHHHH HA HA HA) like a ton of bricks and out of the ring. Chuck and Rico tend to him as H turns his attention back to the matter at hand. "Vince! I'm gettin' tired o' waiting! You wanna have a show, you send the Dead Man down to this ring to get his (ass) kicked - 'cause I'm willing, I'm willing to stay here all night long, and there ain't a person back there that can do a damn thing about it! I'm waiting, Vince. If you want a show tonight, you..." H looks around. "No, you know what? If you want a show, period, you either send the Undertaker down here, or I'll make sure there IS no more SmackDown!" He's doing a good job already...oh. "You see, the way I see it, you can't really have a SmackDown! without an announcers' table, can ya?" Commentators decide to vault the barrier and head into the front row as H plays smashy smashy with the (surprisingly resilient) table. In fact, the sledgehammer handle BREAKS OFF - fortunately, H has planned ahead, and goes under the ring for another one. Finally, he kicks over the table, since it won't go down on his own. The timekeeper's table breaks MUCH more easily - haha, Yeaton totally steps on this fallen security dude while trying to get away. "Can't have a - can't have a show without monitors, can ya?" There goes the monitor. Back in the ring. "Vince - this is startin' to cost you a lotta money." H spots a cameraman in the ring. "And it's about - it's about to get more expensive." H kicks the cameraman, then kicks him out of the ring and grabs his camera. H sets the remaining chair up like a tripod. "What do these cameras run, Vince? Fifty grand? About that, don't they? Vince - send him out here now, or you're about to lose fifty G's..." "Wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait, wait wait wait wait - wait a minute, wait a minute - wait a minute - calm down! Calm down! Okay all right, maybe I should give you what you want - not because I'm being intimiated - not because you're holding this show hostage - only because I always do what the public wants. And I, and I think they'd LIKE to see you and The Undertaker in the ring tonight - uhh, but not the way you think, pal. Tonight, in that ring, it'll be The Undertaker teaming up with Kurt Angle - to oppose you and your tag team partner, Hulk Hogan." "Vince...that suits me just fine. But ah, I gotta little message for you, and I gotta little message for the Dead Man - see ya in Hell, Dead Man!" and he demolishes the camera, then throws it onto the ramp. Play his music! This half hour had all the THRILLS! and EXCITEMENT! of Rick Rude and Konnan overseeing the destruction of the WCW Monday Nitro set in favour of the NWO Monday Nitro set. Speaking of THRILLS! and EXCITEMENT!, here's the "Lita drivin' the car" Stacker 2 ad - again See the WWE live, while you still can! Friday, Albuquerque! Saturday, San Diego! Sunday, Bakersfield! Monday is RAW in Oakland! Remember how I like to say "If it's on TV, it's a work?" Well, friends...Steve Austin didn't appear ONCE in this ENTIRE ad! We survey the damage at ringside. Ha ha, they said "Triple H exploded" again... MOMENTS AGO! Come on, that monitor doesn't REALLY cost five thousand dollars, does it? Also, that camera looks a lot smaller than...aw yes, the popular "dying camera" angle KING OF THE RING QUALIFYING MATCH: TEST (Toronto, Ontario - 282 pounds) v. THE HURRICANE (cruiserweight champion - Parts Unknown - 215 pounds - with Earlier Tonight)
EARLIER TONIGHT! Nidia showed off her new trailer park trash (by way of Beckie the Farmer's Daughter) look. "Stand back! There's a soon-to-be ex-Champion coming through! HA HA H!" "Nidia - the promiscuous provocateur! Why don't you use your famous oral skills...and tell me where your little boyfriend Jamie Knoble is?" "Ooh! I love a good confrontation - it really - mm - turns me on. But don't you worry, Hurricane - you'll see my boyfriend Jamie Knoble soon enough." "Well - then you tell that heinous haysack that the Hurricane will take him on anytime...any place." Then she licks him with her tongue stud. I don't want to say she's the worst actress in the history of the universe, but Mariah Carey saw this vignette and said "phew! Now THAT'S a stinky actress!" referee: MIKE CHIODA
Coming up later, Hardcore Holly takes on Tajiri! Hurricane ducks, right, right, no effect, pose - and he runs outside. The chase is on - back in the ring, off the ropes, ducks, flying forearm smash. Ducks off the ropes, clothesline. Right, right, right, into the opposite corner is reversed, and Test takes his head off with a clothesline. Stomp, stomp, stomp stomp stomp stomp stomp stomp stomp - and threatening moves for Chioda (IMMUNITY!). Hurricane shot into the corner, but gets up the elbow on the charge - then slips out on the next attempt. Hurricane up top - plancha is caught...Test puts him back on his feet, but Hurricane starts putting forearms in the chest to break the headlock. Hurrichokeslam - ah, no. Back elbow from Test to break it up. Gutshot - Meltdown - no, Hurricane gets back to his feet and hits the Eye of the Hurricane (or whatever they're calling it these days) but only gets 2. Right by Hurricane, right, Test catches the next one, then hits the Test Drive (what Cole called Reno's Roll of the Dice) - 1, 2, 3. Test moves on and the cruiserweight champ is cannon fodder - sounds familiar... (1:52) As Test leaves, NIDIA & JAMIE KNOBLE hit the ring. "Woooo-ee! Lookee here, baby! We done went bagged ourselves a real live superhero! I hear you lookin' for Jamie Knoble, boy, huh? Any place, (slap) huh? Any time (slap), huh? How's that, boy? You want some, baby?" He holds him back, but instead of slapping him, she unmasks him - THEN slaps him. "Oh my gosh, Cole! The Hurricane is Gregory Helms!" Play (I guess) Knoble's music! Knoble puts his cape on Nidia, feels her up, they French, and....shit, can't these guys just move permanently to Jerry Springer so I don't have to see it here? And now, the WWE Slam of the Week, brought to you by "the science fiction thriller, 'Eight Legged Freaks!'" From last week, Tajiri ruins Maven and Torrie's day KING OF THE RING QUALIFYING MATCH: TAJIRI (Tokyo, Japan - 206 pounds - with RAW in Oakland hype) v. HARDCORE HOLLY (Mobile, Alabama - 234 pounds)
referee: TEDDY LONG
Lockup, side headlock by Tajiri, powered out, shoulderblock by Tajiri. Up and over, back elbow by Holly puts him down. Big chop in the corner by Holly - chop - opposite corner whip, up and over by Tajiri and cue the post-produced commentary: Cole: You know, Tazz, at some point we're gonna have to talk about this - the fact that Stone Cold Steve Austin walked out on World Wrestling Entertainment this past Monday, and this Saturday night, we're gonna have the behind the scenes, the real story on why this happened on "Confidential," eleven o'clock, ten Central on The New TNN.
Tazz: Well, I heard the comments by WWE Owner Vince McMahon and Steve Austin's close personal friend Jim Ross are shocking, candid and heartfelt!
Cole: And you can hear those comments on "Confidential" as this emotional, this controversial week continues in World Wrestling Entertainment Fuckers. Anyway, back to the match... Tajiri ducks a swing, back kick hits. Stomp, stomp, stomp, stomp. Right, right, right, right, right, choke. Head to the buckle, climbing up for two punches but Holly throws him off - Tajiri dares him to run at him, then gives him a drop toehold. Seated dropkick. Quick pose for the crowd - double sledge in the back. Holly break it up - right, right, off the ropes, but Tajiri hits a heel kick - 1, 2, no. In the corner, chop by Tajiri - chop - Holly switches - chop, chop, chop, forearm in the back. Into the opposite corner, Tajiri up and onto the apron - kick in the head - springs back in but Holly evades the moonsault - clothesline, clothesline, into the ropes, Best Dropkick in the Business, hooks the leg, but only gets 2! Tajiri tries a kick, but it's ducked. Holly with a bodyslam for 2. Holly dares him to get up, but he's dead weight. Holly looks to and fro - no reaction from the crowd - oh well. Holly with a slap - wants the Alabama Slam but Tajiri goes down the back, Holly sits down but Tajiri bridges out - there's the KICK - 1, 2, NO!! Into the corner is reversed by Holly, Tajiri up and Tarantula - but Holly manages to bring him back in and DOES hit the Alabama Slam - 1, 2, 3! (3:40) In the dressing room, Jericho gets some yuks out of watching a tape of himself putting the chair to Edge. "This is classic - this is tremendous....ohhhhhhhh no! Ohh - and Edge's widdle shoulder is finished for good - I am the king of the world." Valbowski shows up. "Jericho...I guess after decomissioning Edge last week, you feel pretty damn good about yourself. Feel pretty powerful, con'cha - feel like you're king of the world! Like you're larger than life! Well tonight, I'm gonna stick my foot in your (ass) - and then you'll know what larger than life really feels like, JUNIOR!" Jericho makes a "can he talk to me like that?" face, then spits out his gum. Saturday on "Confidential," Bobby Heenan discusses his battle with throat cancer! Visit wwe.com for a chance to win a trip to The World and a one-on-one Xbox encounter with a WWE Superstar! "Get the 'F' out" spot Here's the exterior of the BI-LO Center CHRIS JERICHO (Winnipeg, Manitoba - 227 pounds - and Let Us Take You Back to Last Week) and LANCE STORM (Calgary. Albert - 230 pounds - and SAP transmitido en espanol) v. THE BIG VALBOWSKI (Las Vegas, Nevada - 244 pounds) and BILLY KIDMAN (Allentown, Pennsylvania - 215 pounds)
referee: BRIAN HEBNER
Wow, did all the rights on the WCW music suddenly expire? Both Storm and Kidman have brand new music - better for Storm, worse for Kidman. Edge will miss four to six weeks with a torn labrum. If I say "Thrillseekers," will I suddenly have more street cred? Eh. Valbowski and Jericho meet in the Quarterfinals next week, we are told. Those sure are some tiny trunks on Kidman. Jericho and Valbowski start - whoops, no, Jericho tags out, ha ha. Valbowski goes ahead and gets a free shot on Jericho anyway - but it costs him to turn his back against Storm - forearm in the back, forearm, stomp, stomp, kick, foot on the throat, tag. Jericho with a stomp, right, chop, chop, into the ropes, reversed, shoulderblock by Valbowski - scoop - and a slam - kneedrop off the ropes, six rights - Jericho shoves him off, knee, forearm, chop, kick, kick, choke, chop, into the opposite corner, boot up by Valbowski. Neckbreaker by Valbowski gets 2. Into the ropes, head down, kick by Jericho and a tag. Valbowski rams his head into the corner, then gets a quick rollup for 2. Tag to Kidman, into the ropes, Kidman off the top with a crossbody for 2. Right hand, into the ropes, reversed, hip toss blocked and Kidman hits a monkey flip. Right, right, arm wringer, but there's a knee by Storm, free shot on Valbowski to put him on the floor - Kidman with a right, but Storm puts him into the corner, up on his shoulders, and Jericho's over to grab the neck - big hot shot! No tag as Jericho comes in - senton gets 2. Right by Jericho - scooped up - hung out on the top rope. Jericho slaps the back - again - tag to Storm - open kickby Storm. Jericho with a kick on his way out. Storm puts him into the ropes and hits a sweet dropkick - forearm on the face for the cover, 1, 2, no. Tag to Jericho, open kick. Head to the buckle, chop, chop, station ID, chop - Kidman switches positions - chop, chop, chop. Into the opposite corner is reversed, Jericho off the ropes with his bulldog - Lionsault - MEETS THE KNEES! Valbowski really wants the tag - Kidman crawls - tag to Storm - HOT TAG TO VALBOWSKI! Left-arm clothesline, another, chop for Jericho, Storm into the ropes, big back body drop - powerslam for Jericho - ducks a swing from Storm, Blue Thunder powerbomb, 1, 2, Jericho break it up. Jericho with a right - into the corner is reversed, Venis boosts Kidman into a flying kick on Jericho - yikes, that looked bad. Anyway, Storm takes advantage of the distracted Valbowski with a running heel kick - 1, 2, NO! Elbow by Storm, into the ropes is reversed, collision with Jericho on the apron - spinebuster by Valbowski, tag to Kidman, going up for the shooting star press - HITS IT!! 1, 2, OHHHH JERICHO PULLS HEBNER OUT! Hebner's hand hit for 3 on the way out but we ignore it. Jericho in, and takes Kidman down with a sleeper slam, Valbowski takes JERICHO out - meanwhile Storm has the cover - 1, 2, NO! The brawl on the outside continues as Kidman ducks a clothesline - body scissors rollup and Kidman bridges back - all four shoudlers down - 1, 2, 3! Hebner says Kidman's shoulder was up...but Storm says HE got a shoulder up - replays from two angles show both men are right, but since Hebner didn't see Storm's shoulder shoot up, the decision will stand - your winners are Kidman & Valbowski. (5:33) MARC LLLLLLLLLOYD stands backstage with Hogan, whose boas betray a giant fan in operation. "You know, brother, I couldn't be happier! But first things first. Last week on SmackDown! I had a match with Triple H, and I think - no, no I take that back, I KNOW that Triple H is gonna defeat The Undertaker at King of the Ring for the Undisputed title, brother. But as far as Our Olympic Hero goes, he handed me a butt-whippin' on SmackDown! last week, brother - I'll admit that. But you know, it was after my match with Triple H. Oh, and by the way - he did attack me from behind. Because he doesn't have the guts, and he doesn't have the confidence, and he's not man enough to face me one on one in the ring. But I can handle that. Because way, deep down inside, brother, Kurt Angle and I are a lot alike. You know, we ARE both American icons, we DO both believe in the red, white and blue, and we ARE both former champions. Oh yeah, and by the way, we are both very bald bald bald bald bald, BALD, brother! But one difference is, Hollywood Hulk Hogan lost his hair match to Mother Nature, dude! While Kurt Angle on the other hand, he got punked out, and then he got his head shaved by my main man Edge. And by the way, if Kurt Angle, Our Olympic Hero, has a problem with that, he can fight me one on one at King of the Ring, dude. 'cause Angle, I'm calling you out, Mr. Olympic Gold Medal. I'm challenging you, Baldy! I dare you to fight me one on one, Cueball! And by the way, dude - if he doesn't have the SACK to answer me back, Jack - I'm gonna go out on SmackDown! tonight, and I'm gonna show all my Hulkamaniacs, right in the center of the ring, what I'm gonna do to Angle because I'm gonna rip that goofy wig right off his head, tonight, tonight, tonight, brother! So Angle, what'cha gonna do, brother? At King of the Ring, when Hulk Hogan and all my Hulkamaniacs rip that ugly toup offa you, wha'cha gonna do? Brm bbrrm brrm!" Commentators shill UPN's "Wolf Lake" DURING THE BREAK! Lance Storm caught up with Brian Hebner and accused him of incompetence. Hebner says he counted what he saw, but he'll check the videotape. "Wait a minute...Brian Hebner, right? Earl Hebner's kid? I shoulda known - your family's got a history of screwin' great Canadians, doesn't it? Typical American - you see what you wanna see, and not what's really there." Marc Loyd stands backstage with Linda Miles. Let's look at some footage! Let Us Take You Back to Velocity, where Jackie turned on Linda to help Ivory secure the victory. Jackie and Ivory have challenged her to a tag team match. Did she find a partner? "You know, Marc, I'm new to this business. I don't know many people around here, and I don't back down to any challenge. And lucky? Yes I am lucky. I found one of the best damn partners you can find in this business." And Trish Stratus enters the frame. "Marc, tonight, for the first time ever, the Tough Enough 2 Champion and the WWE Woman's Champion are gonna team up. And basically, we're going to go out there and deliver 100% Stratusfaction, guaranteed." They walk off, leaving Loyd to make his SECOND goofy face of the night. Meanwhile, Vince learns that the camera Triple H destroyed really IS fifty thousand dollars. A knock at the door causes McMahon to end his call - it's Kurt Angle. McMahon tells him he's lookin' good! "Well thank you, Mr. McMahon...but you know what? I won't be lookin' good for very long if Hogan does what he says he's gonna do! I mean, do you believe what that old prune said? First of all, he challenges me (Kurt Angle) to a match at King of the Ring - which I gladly accept - but then he says he's gonna pull the wig off my head! As if I wear a wig - come on! Hogan's gonna end up pullin' the roots of my newly grown hair right out of my scalp - and that's gonna hurt! ...you believe this is my real hair, don'cha Vince? Go ahead, pull on it! Tug it!" "No, I believe you." "No, it's real - go ahead, pull on it! Give it a try, go ahead - pull on it!" Before Vince takes a tug, Taker barges in. "What the hell's goin' on around here tonight?" "Well, I was just showin' Vince my hair--" "No, no, TONIGHT. You're gonna put us in the ring with that lunatic out there? Now - now listen, don't get me wrong, I'm not afraid of Triple H, by no means. Listen, the state of mind that he's in, I just don't know." "He is crazy." "I understand that, look - and I understand it's a calculated risk of putting the two of you out there as a team. I understand that, but...last Monday night, you wanna talk about risk? That was the biggest risk of my life, and it paid off. So I know this is a calculated risk out there, but I also know that the two of you, just like me, we're all gambling men. And I would suggest to you that tonight, in a tag team match with you and Kurt against Hogan and Triple H - I'd say it's a pretty safe bet." "Well...it better be." This Saturday on Velocity, Kurt Angle takes on Hardcore Holly one more time! REVEREND D-VON is in the ring when we get back. "Oh Greenville, South Carolina! I've come to help you! Oh I've come to address your problems! Oh and tonight's sermon has to deal with masturbation! Oh testify! You see, masturbation - that's a sin! Oh that's a sin! And each and every one o' you - each and every one o' you masturbators will surely burn in hell! Now, the Reverend D-Von used to partake in that but uh, no more - I don't partake no more. So, the Right Reverend D-Von IMPLORES you to please - leave that thang alone!" REVEREND D-VON (Dudleyville - 242 pounds - with Deacon Batista) v. FAAROOQ (Warner Robins, Georgia - 278 pounds)
referee: Long
The always brilliant music folks have helpfully grafted "Well I'll be DAMNED!" to the APA theme so we don't think Bradshaw's coming out, I guess. "Man, what the HELL is wrong with you? Are you crazy? Oh, you don't masturbate no more. Well guess what, man - I DO. Oh and uh, Reverend. There's just one other thing - I'm about to get real sinful on your ass right now--" and he pops him with the mic. Right - ducks a swing - spinebuster - 1, 2, 3. Yikes! The power of STROKING IT! (0:08) Deacon in - Faarooq kicks the collection box into HIS head, then leaves the ring. Speaking of masturbation, Trish helps Linda stretch her leg back - um, I'll be right back And now, the WWE Smack of the Night! Brought to you by eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee - from RAW, Trish goes down to Molly Holly in a nontitle match, setting up a future title match...which we learn will be at King of the Ring! TRISH STRATUS (Women's champion - Toronto, Ontario) and LINDA (Cincinnati, Ohio - with Rob Zombie CD cover, and SmackDown! is brought to you by eeeeeeeeeeeeeee, Greyhound, and Stacker 2!) v. IVORY & JACKIE
referee: MIKE SPARKS
Linda comes out to "Feels So Numb" and appears to have already lost her last name. I wonder how Tazz feels about getting the "e" midget's line. Linda wants a piece of Jackie but the other two ladies get them separated - but then, Ivory breaks from Jackie and puts a forearm in Trish's back - forearm, into the ropes, back elbow. Knee, knee, scooped up - sidewalk slam. 1, kickout at 2. Knee on the back, Ivory takes her down. Here's one more chance to closely scrutinize the words chosen for our commentary team: Cole: Well, perhaps the whole industry HAS changed, based on what happened this past Monday, Stone Cold Steve Austin walking out on World Wrestling Entertainment. And you can get the real story of what happened behind the scenes, eleven o'clock, ten Central, Saturday night on "Confidential." Emotional interviews with Vince McMahon and Jim Ross, a close friend of Stone Cold Steve Austin's.
Tazz: It's a must see! Suplex attempt is thwarted - forearm by Trish, forearm, forearm, into the ropes, Jackie puts a knee in the back - Trish turns round and gets a free shot, but Ivory gets a dropkick when she turns back. Linda in, Sparks works on putting her back as Ivory drives Trish's head into Jackie's knee brace. Ivory claps the air and heads back to her corner. Hairpull takedown by Jackie which may have broken Trish's face. Into the ropes, Trish ducks and kicks. Into the ropes, big back body drop - tag to Linda - clothesline! Scoop - and a slam. Another big scoop...holds her up - and a slam. Jackie put into the ropes, nice dropkick - 1, 2, Ivory in to break it up with a dropkick of her own. All four ladies in the ring. Sparks puts Trish back while Ivory helps Jackie doubleteam Linda. There's a double flapjack. Ivory with a splash - but misses! Tag to Stratus - elbow, elbow, elbow, elbow, kick, kick, into the opposite corner, boot up by Ivory WHOA. Climbing up - Stratus with a punch, Ivory punches back, but Trish works the handstand into the Frankensteiner. There's Stratusfaction - guaranteed - 1, 2, 3. (2:59) Vince enjoys a breath mint - then lets Stacy in. "Look at you! Oh my! Mm mm." "Vince, I wish I could've been there on Monday night when you beat Ric Flair - but is it true that you now own everything?" "Um, actually Stacy, that is true, I do own (hip thrust) EVERY thing. And you know, ever since Monday night, I've started feeling more like myself. Not that I haven't in the past, but see, there's a side of me that you've never seen before. Oh and uh, just for the record, from now on, you always refer to me as uh, Mr. McMahon." There's a knock. "Oh! Let me get the door." "No--" Fortunately, we have a camera positioned on the other side of the door, so we can see that Dawn Marie's really greased up her boobies. I don't want you to get the door. I uh, want you to get this." Then he does a...well, I guess it's kissing." What, NOW she's repulsed? I'm confused. But she smiles after pulling off. "Yeah." King of the Ring ad - there sure is a lot of Triple H in this ad, boy howdy Damn, that's gotta be the DUMBEST pit crew in the world. IT'S LITA *EVERY* TIME, GUYS The WWE Burn of the Night is brought to you by Stacker 2! From Earlier Tonight, Hardcore Holly moved on in the King of the Ring by defeating Tajiri Your hosts are MICHAEL KING COLE & TAZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ. Neurotica's "Ride of Your Life" - available June 25th - is the King of the Ring theme song! HEEEEEEY King of the Ring brackets released! Let's see if my HTML works... 
X-Pac
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Brock
Interesting that both semifinals will be RAW vs. SmackDown! - I guess they didn't want to have a "RAW champion" and "SmackDown! champion" - hmmm...this makes Booker/X-Pac really unlikely now as it'd have to be the Finals. I gotta say, the RAW matches look like a lot more fun that the SmackDown! ones....but that's next week. Triple H gets his "bad elbow" taped up Meanwhile, Hulk Hogan is WALKING! But here's Taker. "Looks like you in the wrong part of town, Hulk!" "Well I'll see you--" Angle up from behind - NOOOO not into the KLANGY POLES! Doubleteam stompdown. "I'll see you at King of the Ring!" Taker and Angle slap fists. "One down, one to go..." Check out the SmackDown! schedule! Saturday, Honolulu is SOLD OUT! Sunday, Anaheim! Monday, Fresno! And Tuesday, Sacramento! MOMENTS AGO! aka "Two paragraphs ago" THE AWESOME UNDERTAKER (Undisputed Champion - Houston, Texas - 305 pounds - on his Beautiful Bourget Python Bike) and KURT ANGLE (Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania - 237 pounds) v. TRIPLE H (Greenwich, Connecticut - 272 pounds) in a "tag" match
referee: Hebner
No sooner has Angle's pyro finished than Triple H comes barrelling down the ramp, taking him out with a clothesline in the back! He points to the ring, and it's on. H ducks the swing, right, Taker soupbone, right, soupbone, right, soupbone, right, knee by Taker, soupbone, into the ropes, head down, facebuster by H. H with a clothesline. Right, head to the buckle, into the opposite corner, running clothesline. Angle finally back in - right hand by H - head to the buckle, kick, kick, stomp. Angle whipped, reversal into Taker's boot. Taker soupbone, soupbone soupbone soupbone - Angle stomp, stomp, stomp, stomp, stomp, stomp, stomp. Vertical suplex. Right hand. Right, right, right, right, kick, kick, kick, kick. Right is blocked - H comes back - right, right, Angle to the eyes. Right, into the ropes, reversed, Angle ducks, but H hits the high knee. H dares Taker to come at him - but Taker keeps him looking long enough for Angle to club him in the back. Right, knee in the back with his neck on the rope. Angle breaks at 4. Angle right, right, Hebner pulls him off - but Taker runs the apron to clothesline H behind his back. Laid across the apron - Taker with an elbow. Angle stomp, stomp, foot on the throat and pulls on the ropes for leverage. Again Hebner pulls him back - again, Taker strikes while the ref's back is turned - this time with a legdrop. In the corner, Angle chops, chop, into the opposite corner, but H manages a clothesline out. H manages a free shot for Taker as well. But Angle ducks the next swing and hits a German suplex - holding on for two - wants three and GETS IT. Leg is hooked - 1, 2, no. Taker gets the tag. Angle holds him up for the free kick. Back elbow puts H down. "Oh, you wanted me, didja?" Soupbone. "I don't think you want me." Stomp - soupbone - chasing off Hebner - but gave H an opening and he took him down with a clothesline into a choke. Free shot for Angle - but Taker clotheslines him down when he turns back. H tossed through the ropes and while Taker chats with Hebner, Angle lays in the right hands - and a kick. Angle helpfully puts H back in the ring for Taker. Head to the buckle by Taker. Kidney soupbone. Taker opens up the ribs for another soupbone. Soupbone. There's a big headbutt and down goes Triple H. Cover - 1, 2, no. Tag to Angle. Taker holds him for the kick. Right by Angle, right, into the ropes, head down, H kicks - H right, right, off the ropes but Angle catches him with the sleeper. Hebner checks the arm - arm falls once - arm falls twice - arm does not fall thrice. H back to his feet - turns in - and hits the death suplex to break up the hold! Both men are down and it's time for the mandatory ten count. At five, Angle makes the tag. Somehow H puts up the elbow before he comes in - right, soupbone, right, soupbone, soupbone, soupbone, into the ropes is reversed, duck, duck, double clothesline puts both men down. Let's do the count again. Angle reaches - gets the tag at 3. H to his feet - Angle runs in but nobody's home, and Angle puts the shoulder on the ringpost. H with a neckbreaker. Taker in - H gives HIM an Andersonbuster. Angle gets tossed over the top rope and H follows out, whipping him HARD into the STEEL steps. Taker out with an uppercut, soupbone, headbutt, but the whip into the barricade is reversed. Right hand by H, right, head to the ringpost - H grabs a chair - WHACK! I have no idea how Hebner missed that - maybe they've "relaxed" the DQ, who can say. Taker back in the ring - and now H finds his sledgehammer one more time. Man, somebody's gotta start checking for those ahead of time! Sledgehammer in the gut - Hebner decides "well, I guess I can't let THAT go" and calls for the bell. (DQ 9:56) H is ready to swing - but Taker saves himself with a gutshot - soupbone, soupbone, tossed through the ropes - soupbone - out after him - H with a gutshot - sledgehammer in the gut - and one more - and one to the face to put him over the barricade. Angle's up from behind - right, right, right, and bad elbow into the ringpost! H put in the ring - he's already dropped his sledgehammer. Angle ducks, gutshot, OLYMPIC SLAM!!!! Angle celebrates - and has Hebner raise his arm in victory. DOWN COME THE STRAPS! Play his music! Wow, I wonder what happened to Taker. Angle backs up the ramp...which can only mean one thing. Sure enough, YOU KNOW WHO emerges from the ramp and punks him out from behind - right, right, right, into the ring where H is back up - right hand from him. Right, pinballing to Hogan for a right, back to H, Hogan, H, Hogan and Angle goes down. While Hogan rips off his shirt, H sets up Angle for a Pedigree...nope, Angle with a backdrop out - but H yanks on Angle's tights OH MAN KURT'S NICE ASS!!! Angle spends so much time trying to get his tights back up that his headgear and wig are easy pickings for Hogan right after a right hand - Angle walks right into a gutshot and Pedigree from H as Hogan puts in the headgear in comical fashion - then gives Angle the legdrop. The smell of Voodoo Chili fills the air as Hogan makes the "He want the belt" motion on H's abdomen. Tazz: "Finally, the top of Hogan's head matches his beard!" Here's your replay of the ass - the dehairing - and the Pedigree. But we can't leave before Triple H coaxes Hogan back into the ring by doing his very unmanly Hogan impersonation. What will SmackDown! be like in Sacramento? Tazz promises "Wacko in Sacko" and you can tell he's east coast, 'cause NOBODY calls it "Sacko." Also he fails to say "Tobacco." Also, credits are up and I'm walking out.