TRUE STORY: From Kim! The WWE contacted my dad about renting furniture for the "Stephanie's office" set, etc., right, for the SmackDown! taping. My dad hits me on my 2way all "Who is this band WWE, they're playing a concert at Target Center" all cute and stuff. So I was all "Yo Dads that's the WWF, they changed the name but they didn't change the attitude" and he laughed and said he wouldn't rent to them because he didn't want any sweaty oiled-up wrestlers messing up his standard-model leather sofa. And he didn't! THE END So now you know - the secret is out - they RENT their SETS - and we all have Kim's pops to thank for the knowledge. Aren't they great? UPN - turn it up(n)! Here's a graphic (pretend I'm using the calligraphy font): "You are cordially invited to tune in to the commitment ceremony of Billy and Chuck on Thursday September 12, 2002 as they affirm their lifelong partnership to each other on the season premiere of WW SmackDown! at 8pm Eastern on UPN" TV-PG-DLV - Attitude - Entertainment - WW LAST THURSDAY: Paul Heyman sure talks a lot, don't he? Yikes, look at all these shots of Sara they dug up Closed captioned logo - Opening Credits (which are still beautiful, people) GAYRO! Coming to you from the Target Centre in Minneapolis, MN and SAP transmitido en espanol on UPN and The Score 12.9.2 (taped 10.2) and don't you forget it - it's the season premiere of WWE SMACKDOWN! STILL TO COME: Commitment Ceremony - yep TONIGHT: Kurt Angle vs. Rey Mysterio! OH MY GOD WRESTLING ON A WRESTLING SHOW WHO WOULDA THUNK IT KING BROCK LESNAR (WWE champion - Minneapolis, Minnesota - 295 pounds - with Paul Heyman) v. HARDCORE HOLLY (Mobile, Alamaba - 234 pounds) in a nontitle match
referee: JIMMY KORDERAS
Well, how do you like that - Lesnar is no longer "Undisputed" champion. Staredown to start. Words exchanged. Holly piefaces him! Lesnar fires back and ring the bell 'cause a slugfest has erupted. Lesnar shoves him away, then they go back at it again - right, right, now Lesnar puts him overhead in a belly-to-belly. Holly rolls onto his stomack before Lesnar can cover, so he grabs a rather brusque facelock instead. Holly puts a foot over the bottom rope and Korderas forces the break. Happy dance! Holly has some more jaw jacking - but tries to pop him...and runs into a knee. Holly bowls him over, through the ropes and out - and now the brawl is on the outside - but Lesnar quickly takes over - knee, stomp, stomp, stomp, stomp. Forearm. Knee. Holly fires back, Lesnar knee - grabs him and rams him into the ringpost. Overhead belly-to-belly release ON THE FLOOR! Holly put back in - Lesnar back in, cover, legs hooked, 1, 2, didn't see much of a kickout but Korderas did. Stomp. Holly put in the corner - shoulder, shoulder. Lesnar gets a hand in his face again - so Holly pops him one. Holly out but runs into a clothesline/leg sweep combo from Lesnar. Boot to the face by Lesnar. Suplex coming up...holding him...holding him...and down he goes. Lesnar paws him with his boot. Forearm across the back. European uppercut - Holly right, right, chop, Lesnar knee. In the corner and again Lesnar connects twice with the shoulder. Into the opposite corner...and Lesnar applies the bearhug when Holly comes out. Lesnar wrenches it in but I *think* this only works on Hogan. Arm isn't staying down so we continue. Holly back elbow...but before Lesnar lets go, he gives Holly a death suplex for 2. In the corner, shoulder, into the opposite corner, but Holly gets the boots up! Lesnar runs in, and runs into the boots again. Holly tries for the second-rope dropkick...but Lesnar swats away the attempt. Lesnar back to the stomp. Picks up Holly...scoop...backbreaker...up onto the shoulder...Holly fights his way back to his feet, Lesnar gutshot - powerbomb coming up...doesn't have him OHHH BOTCHED and dropped him RIGHT on his head, folding him up. Korderas drops down and checks - he's okay. Lesnar lets himself smile (was he legitimately worried?) and nudges him in the face with his boot again. Picks him up - he's gonna do it again (maybe the right way this time) but at the apex, Holly peppers him with punches and frees himself - ducks the swing - standing dropkick! Lesnar pulls himself up at the ropes, putting him in perfect position for the Best Crotch Kick in the Business - of course, Korderas is busy looking at Heyman and misses sight of it. Lesnar comes right back, though, ducking the swing, grabbing the waistlock - but Holly fights and rolls him up for 2! Holly chop, into the ropes is reversed into a fireman's carry - and you know what happens next. Key on My Keyboard, 1, 2, 3. What a strange match. (6:11 Repair) Tazz thinks it's time to drop "Next" from "The Next Big Thing" and I'm inclined to agree. Replay of the F-5. Ten days to The Undertaker for Lesnar... Speaking of which - here he is! He's WALKING! And behind him is Sara! Wow, she *is* pregnant! And WALKING! Presumably the unborn child is SWIMMING! Let's MOVE ON! And now, the WWE Boot of the Week, brought to you by Lugz! From last week, Eddie Guerrero takes the ride on Rikishi's train EDDIE & CHAVO GUERRERO (El Paso, Tejas - 441 pounds - with SmackDown! is brought to you by Maxim hair colour, Lugz, and Blockbuster!) v. EDGE & JOHN CENA (Vikings) (490 pounds)
referee: MIKE CHIODA
Eddie is PISSED about taking the stinkface last week, and apparently blames Edge. Chavo stirs the pot. Edge cut down in mid pose by a clothesline from Eddie, stomping away as Chavo keeps Cena on the outside after shoving HIM off the apron. Forearm by Eddie, elbow, elbow, into the ropes, reversed, Eddie up on the shoulders and pleased about it - but Edge throws him off into a faceplant! Chavo runs in - HE gets a flapjack. Cena in with clotheslines for each guy, Edge clotheslines Chavo out and Cena keeps Eddie from running off by grabbing two handfuls of mullet to bring him back up - Guerrero evades the suplex in but Cena reverses the waistlock in rapid fashion, Guerrero spins and lands a knee, knee, top wristlock and back legsweep ...and has him down. Cena tries to bridge up, bringing in Chavo, bringing in EDGE - of course, Chioda goes right to work on putting Edge back - Chavo also has a top wristlock - as they bookend Cena, he reverses back backflipping and throwing BOTH Guerreros - misses a double clothesline but Edge lands HIS. Again, Chioda tries to go back to work getting Edge on the outside - meanwhile, Eddie reverses the whip and Chavo lowers the bridge, putting Cena outside. Eddie & Chavo both stomp away on the outside while they have Chioda's back turned. Back in the ring for Chavo, as well as the onsale crawl - European uppercut by Chavo - foot between the shoulderblades. Arm wringer and a clothesline. Head to the buckle, tag, held open for the kick. Elbow. Head to the adjacent buckle. Another elbow. Same-sex wedding tonight! Opposite corner - Guerrero's punch is ducked - Cena presses him up...and thrown over. Cena shakes the cobwebs - ducks another swing and has him up AGAIN - but THIS time, Chavo comes in with a chop block and Eddie lands on him. Cena clutches his knee. Crowd makes noise as both men tag - Edge clothesline, clothesline, superkick Eddie, back body drop Chavo, waiting for him to get up....but he's too close to the corner and Eddie ankles him from behind, then makes a wish using the ringpost - I think he got his wish. Chavo adds a baseball slide (ooh). European uppercut - hooks the leg, 1, 2, no. Tag to Eddie - head to the buckle - held open for the free shot. Forearm, elbow to the back of the head, forearm, elbow, forearm, elbow, snap suplex, all in one, 1, 2, no. Free shot for Cena which brings him in...allowing Chavo to help him with a double kick behind Chioda's back. Head to the buckle. Grabs a knucklelock, gutshot, right, *still* has the knuckle lock and runs to the top rope...off with a 'rana, 1, 2, no! MUCHA LUCHA! Right hand. Tag to Chavo, who springs over the top and hits the knee to the ribs on the way down. Facelock - Edge right, right, right, off the ropes but Chavo *buries* that knee in the midsection. Stomp. Cover, forearm across the face, 1, 2, Edge is out. Edge tries again - right, right, right, right, back to his feet but Chavo hits the gutshot - but off the ropes, Edge ducks the swing and hits the half nelson facebuster! Eddie gets the tag and tries to head off Cena, but he ducks, right, HOT TAG! Clothesline for Eddie, clothesline for Chavo, back body drop for Eddie, Chavo into the ropes, reversed, Cena with a flying jalapeno! Ducks Eddie's swing - swings him out from a belly-to-back into a uranage - 1, 2, Chavo saves! Edge from the top rope with a clothesline on Chavo - spear in the corner - wants Eddie in the opposite corner but he's outta there and Edge gets post...then to the floor. Back to Cena, going for a suplex on Chavo but Eddie saves with a right hand - Chavo with the brainbuster - that's his move! Eddie off the top with the frog splash - that's HIS move! Eddie hooks the leg - 1, 2, 3! (7:01) Cena is tossed as Edge is brought back in - rights from each Guerrero - Eddie has a lot to say to him, but Chavo has an idea. Chavo pulls down his pants and wedgies himself (hello to all the queer folks watching tonight!) but when Eddie grabs Edge, he blocks, uppernuts Eddie and rubs HIS face into Chavo's ass! Of course, Chavo is blissfully unaware that the wrong man's face is all up in his area - until he FINALLY turns around - he tries to go after Edge, and trips up because his tights are bunched up. Play Rob Zombie. Eddie is *incensed* - meanwhile, on the outside, dueling pantomimes between Cena ("wow, that sure was a good one, dude") and Edge ("ha ha I think his nose might have some stuff on it") for your entertainment! TURN IT UP! MOMENTS AGO! Eddie got the pin...and a bonus Backstage, Eddie screams and pours water on himself. Chavo: "I wiped! I wiped!" Eddie: "If you weren't my blood, I'd kick your (ass)!" Meanwhile, MARC LLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLOYD foolishly knocks on the exciting door marked DEADMAN INC. Why's Sara in the arena? Taker says she happens to have friends and family in Minneapolis, if that's all right with him. Crowd: "He said Minneapolis!" Before we continue, Matt Hardy interrupts. "Hey, Taker, man, look I just wanted to congratulate you on your wife bein' pregnant - that's AWESOME! How cool is it gonna be to have a little Undertaker runnin' around the house? I mean, one day I'm gonna have a little one - a Matt Hardy version 2 - congratulations." "You know, Matt...I think ah, we might want to have this conversation some other time. All right?" He goes to go back to the dressing room, but Matt grabs his arm. "No, look, seriosuly. Seriously, one day I'm gonna have a kid...and it's gonna have all my Mattributes. But you know with my girlfriend injured, it's kinda tough, you know what I mean? Anyway, I just wanted to say hello to the mother to be and congratulate her!" "The mother to be...she don't need your damn congraulations. So why don't you just get the hell OUTTA here?" And he piefaces him, shoving him across the hallway into a nearby door (but no klangy pipes), and goes back to his dressing room. "Looks like somebody DEFINITELY needs a Mattitude adjustment!" Meanwhile, a man in a tux - on a phone! "Yes, I understand that a traditional cake has a bride AND a groom. Well, I have two grooms here. No, no brides, two grooms. Now can you handle that?" Rico heads over to Stephanie's office and knocks. In he goes. "Hey, Rico." "Hi, Stephanie." "You look sharp, ya all set for the commitment ceremony tonight?" "Yes...thank you. Well, I just stopped by to ask you - PLEASE reconsider, and attend the commitment ceremony tonight." "Rico...please understand, it's not that I don't want to be a part of the commitment ceremony - it's that I have really...REALLY bad luck at weddings of any type, and I just don't wanna be a jinx. Okay? All right, I hope you're okay with that. Good luck tonight. I'm sure it'll be great." He almost walks out. "NO, it's not okay. It's not okay, Stephanie. The flowers haven't arrived, the singers are stuck in traffic, I don't know if they're gonna be here on time...on the cake I got a bride AND a groom, when I got - when I got a groom, I got a broom and no brides, I don't know what to do with myself! And..what's a commitment ceremonty without a witness? I don't know what I'm gonna do, I'm goin' crazy Stephanie! I--this means everything to me! I need to have a witness! And here, you told me to have a commitment ceremony on national TV, network television, and now it's all falling through, I need you to be there, Stephanie! I need you to be there! Please!" "Rico, Rico! Rico, Rico...you need a witness for this ceremony to be binding, legally?" "Yes." "Then I'd be honoured to be a part of Billy & Chuck's ceremony." "Oh, thank you. Thank you, Stephanie!" "You're welcome--" "Thank you! (kisses each side) Thank you very much." "You're welcome." "This'll be a night you'll never forget." TONIGHT: Billy & Chuck: Commitment Ceremony Stacker 2 ad - (RAW's Bubba Ray Dudley) Wanna meet Rikishi? Head over to Popeyes Chicken in Hayward on Friday between 3 and 4PM! Then head over to the Compaq Center Saturday for the Tour of Defiance, as Brock Lesnar takes on Kane! Wait...isn't Kane a RAW guy? HMMMMMMM Take a gander at the Target Center KURT ANGLE (Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania - 237 pounds - with SmackDown! in Colorado Springs hype) v. AD BREAK - while describing the media blitz in anticipation of tonight's festivities...did Tazz just call Matt Lauer a "tomato?" Man look like a big ol' candy cane. "How appropriate. We're here in 'Mini' and I have a return match with Rey Mysterio. Pretty funny, huh? Get it? Rey Mysterio being MINI? You know, short? Oh come on, people, that's funny!" Tazz: "I think it is - I HATE short people!" ahahaha DIG IT "It's a heck of a lot funnier than me gettin' the stinkface last week! Oh yeah, people were YUKKIN' it up then, they thought it was HILARIOUS! Well, I'll tell you what's NOT gonna be so funny - what I'm gonna do to Rey Mysterio tonight. You people like Rey Mysterio, huh? That figures...since most of you would benefit from wearin' a mask yourselves - oh ya! You betcha! And Chris Benoit...if I even SEE you laugh at me again... ["You suck!"] ...Chris Benoit, if I even see you laugh at me again, there's gonna be TWO holy unions tonight - Billy & Chuck...and your face and my fist! And Rey Mysterio...I want you to remember one thing: You're a boy - in a man's world. And I'm a man who LOVES to play with boys - no no no wait a minute, wait a minute, shut up! Hold on, no no no, shut up, hold on a second! Hold on a second! What I meant to SAY...listen! ["You suck!"] Mysterio! Rey Mysterio, what I meant to say... is you're a boy, and I'm a man, and tonight I'm gonna LOVE to manhandle you. No wait a minute!! Hold on a second, hold on a second, hold on, shut up! Shut up! Shut up! Rey Mysterio! You remember this, pal: you're a boy, and I'm a man! And when you and I get together here tonight, I'm gonna get on top of you and-- Mysterio get your butt out here, 'cause I'm gonna kick your butt!" KURT ANGLE v. REY MYSTERIO (San Diego, California - 175 pounds)
referee: BRIAN HEBNER
Staredown. Angle has some words, Mysterio turns away and Angle forces him back by grabbing his chin. Finished, Angle backs up and smirks. Mysterio adjusts his mask for the first of 237 times tonight and away we go. Lockup, Angle grabs him for a quick slam. We go again: lockup, Angle grabs a leg, leg trip, floats over and slaps the back of his mask in paintbrush fashion. Angle's pretty pleased with himself! We go again: lockup, hiptoss but Mysterio lands on his feet - Angle runs into a drop toe hold, Angle runs into a fireman's carry! Mysterio's all "wassup" and Angle shoves him down. Mysterio back with a slap! The chase is on - Mysterio spins in the ropes and Angle ends up flying through the ropes to the floor trying to catch him. Angle's back in quick, Mysterio ducks a swing, flying headscissors, forearm, into the opposite corner is reversed, Rey up and over as Mysterio shoulders the post - Mysterio outside, springboard from one top rope into a split-legged moonsault off the other (wow!) for 2! Angle right back up with a knee. Wants the Angleslam but Mysterio counters with an arm drag! Mysterio tries for the Frankensteiner but Angle shoves him off, Mysterio lands on his feet off the flip, Angle chest first into the buckle, Mysterio cartwheels into a sunset flip - 1, 2, Angle's out - off the ropes, body scissors but Angle puts a forearm in the back, waistlock and throws him into a full flip over his back! Replay of the 619 escape, and the big release overhead German that flipped Mysterio onto his stomach. Hey, Cole just 'fessed up and called Mysterio "nephew of the great luchador of the same name" - hmmm! Angle stomps away - stomp, kick, kick, kick, scoops him up - backbreaker down. Scooped up again, a second backbreaker, hooks the leg, 1, 2, no. Looks like Angle wants to break some ribs tonight. Suplex coming up - no, Mysterio lands on his feet, ducks the swing, connects with a viscera, off the ropes, ducks another swing by Angle, but Angle catches him with a belly-to-belly overhead release - 1, 2, no. Angle applies a bearhug and body scissors. Please, get Mysterio a mask he doesn't have to adjust every 2.7 seconds, I'M BEGGING YA. Mysterio tries to break Angle's finger lace - but decides instead to rock back - 1, 2, no! Angle ducks an enzuigiri and hits the German suplex - holding on - there's two - he wants three - but instead Mysterio grabs a headlock and bulldogs him to the mat! Both men are down and Hebner puts on the count. At four, Mysterio starts to try to pull himself up by the ropes. Both men up before seven - Angle runs in and takes a boot to the face - Mysterio slides underneath him and puts the boots to his chest - runs at Angle, who tries to upend him into the corner but he LANDS on top, flies off with a moonsault and connects with Angle's face on the big kick - 1, 2, NO! Angle is out on his feet - Mysterio runs at him and takes him over the top to the floor. Here he goes - CORKSCREW over the top and lands on Angle! Mysterio puts Angle back in - springboard guillotine back in - hooks the leg - 1, 2, NO! Angle STILL has the waistlock, turns it around and quickly floats over to the ankle (!) but Mysterio gets on his other foot and gets out with a mule kick - Angle runs into a drop toehold onto the ropes...putting him in PERFECT position for the 619. Mysterio wants the West Coast Pop but Angle has THAT scouted, ducking the leap off the springboard, but Mysterio is right back with a Frankensteiner - 1, 2, NO!! Mysterio decides to go for it all, climbing up to the top...but took JUST a bit too long as Angle runs to the ropes, climbs up and hits a SUPER OLYMPIC SLAM!! Angle crawls over Mysterio and grabs a leg - 1, 2, 3! (8:25) Tazz again says it best: "Kurt Angle is wicked awesome." Replay of the finish. Backstage, a black limousine arrives. Security checks the occupants. "They're good, they're with the wedding party!" UP NEXT: Chris Benoit vs. Rikishi! Matt Pinfield wants you to pick up "WWE Forceable Entry!" If he REALLY wanted me to pick up a copy, he'd threaten to bring "Farm Club" back on the air if I DIDN'T pick one up And now, the WWE Smack of the Night, brought to you by Clearasil! From last week, Angle takes a stinkface...and Benoit yuks it up CHRIS BENOIT (Edmonton, Alberta - 229 pounds - with "Forceable Entry" CD cover) v. RIKISHI (American Samoa - 350 pounds - with TV-PG-DLV ratings box)
referee: Korderas
Benoit tries to get the jump on Keesh as soon as he enters the ring, but Keesh is ready - block, right, block, right. Right, right, into the ropes, big right and down goes Benoit - but he headbutts him in the gut on his way back up - kick, right, whip doesn't happen - Benoit into the ropes, sets up for the belly-to-belly but Benoit headbutts him in the orbital socket to break it up. Clothesline caught - Keesh with a sitout chokeslam! Unfortunately, Benoit's trick knee acts up and Keesh loses the advantage. Benoit chop, chop, chop - cover...2. Crossface! That was quick...wonder if he'll get out. THE KEESH. Keesh trying to get to his knees but it looks like he's fading out...no, he's back to a foot - back on both feet - Benoit shoved into the ropes, and caught in a snap Samoan Drop on the way back. Keesh drags Benoit to the corner and it may be time for the Rump Shaker - but Benoit is back up and putting a forearm in the back - again - again - climbs underneath him - ELECTRIC CHAIR!! Thumb crosses throat! He's going for the swandive headbutt...but KURT ANGLE (of all people) is out, shoving him OFF the top rope and forcing Korderas to call for the bell (DQ 3:02) - ah, I see, he wants a piece of the Keesh - Olympic Slam is countered - RIKISHIKICK and Angle goes out of the ring - finding Benoit in the corner, he hits the Fat Ass Splash - Benoit duly flumps down...and Angle holds back his arms to make sure he DOES sit there and take the stinky face. Angle yuks it up as Rikishi's music plays ('cause he LOST!) STILL TO COME: COMMITMENT CEREMONY Catch these folks live Sunday in Billings, Monday in Salt Lake City, Tuesday in Colorado Springs, Saturday in San Jose and Sunday for Unforgiven in Los Angeles! As some very emotional music plays...people set up the ring. Hey, there's Goldust's usher! In the general manager's office, Benoit breathes all over Stephanie. "I did see it..." "He held me down - he held my arms - in that stink face...he laughed at me. Nobody laughs at me. I demand a match with Kurt Angle at Unforgiven!" Matt Hardy interrupts. "Stephanie - I've gotta talk to you - right here and ...right here, now." "Matt, you can WAIT. You know what, Chris, you're right. There is no match I would rather see. At Unforgiven, it is gonna be Chris Benoit versus Kurt Angle." "At Unforgiven...when Kurt Angle sees my smile, he will FEEL my PAIN." He leaves. "What can I do for you, Matt?" "Stephanie, since you're handing out matches tonight, I DEMAND a match against The Undertaker." "Well, Matt, first of all, you don't *demand* anything from me, and second of all, The Undertaker already HAS a match at Unforgiven for the WWE Championship against Brock Lesnar." "No no no, Stephanie, Matt Hardy (version 1) wants The Undertaker in the ring TONIGHT." "Well, Matt, since you're so full of your MATTITUDE, I'd LOVE do see what you do to The Undertaker. Consider it made. Tonight, it'll be Matt Hardy versus The Undertaker." "Stephanie, tonight...I guarantee...VICTORY." Out comes RICO - he's wearing a headset mic because we NEED to hear everything he says. He checks the singers - he doesn't like their dresses and their smiles aren't big enough. Oh well. He regards the justice of the peace already in the ring: "Aren't you kinda old? Thanks. Who ordered these? These are pansies! I ordered tulips! And who put the garland, who put the garland like this? I wanted it hanging - hanging garlic! (?) And the flowers - the flowers - this is not mahogany! I asked for mahogany! Oh GOD I got a headache the size of Long Island - somebody get me a cigarette..." When we return, STEFFO has joined the party - Rico parts the ropes for her. "Thank you so much for being out here, Stephanie - you look wonderful. This is the justice of the peace. Thank you so much for coming to be a witness. Well...he's a last minute replacement. Yeah. Ooh. Oh." His mic is turned up for the PA. "Tonight is a breakthrough - a historic event, not only for World Wrestling Entertainment, but groundbreaking in the history of network television. Two pioneers will boldy go where no men have ever gone before. And *I* (Rico) present to you...the commitment ceremony of Billy & Chuck! Hit it, girls!" The trio up onstage break into "It's Raining Men" - man, would it have cost THAT much more to actually get The Weather Girls? This is probably the best time for me to drop in that I have one of the finest collections of Sylvester 12" singles in the world - or perhaps not. And here they are! CHUCK & BILLY are out to show off their CHUCK and BILLY cummerbunds. Everyone in the ring is bopping along - Chuck parts the ropes for Billy - and Billy parts the ropes for Chuck. Handshakes all around. Billy & Chuck with a bug hug. Crowd boos the performance - shame! "We are gathered here tonight...to witness a pledge of commitment. Now, Chuck & Billy...I understand you have written your own vows. Please proceeeed." Man, I'm waiting for "Mawwiage...is a sacwed institushun" from this guy. Chuck is almost hyperventilating. Billy wipes away a tear. "Billy...when I first met you, the only thing I knew was that you were a great tag team competitor...and well, your name...(checks him out) was Mr. Ass (checks him out again). But Bill, now it's more than - than Mr. Ass. Bill, I know you've won the tag team gold on, on numerous occasions - but Billy, now you've captured something even more, something greater...something unbelievable...Billy...you've captured my heart." "Chuck, DAMN that was corny! Even for you! Captured your heart? Come on. But seriously, that's what makes you so special, and that's why I'm happy to ask you to be my tag team partner... (produces ring) ...permanently." "Oh, that was wonderful - just wonderful! And now..I present to you all a video that I personally compiled of all the highlights of this union - it is entitled 'Our LOVE Story.' You're gonna love this." Let's Take a Special Video Look at Billy & Chuck - only ninety seconds Crowd is still booing. Rico is still tearing up. "That was exquisite - that was exquisite - let's hear it for them, people, let's hear it for them! Oh! And I know, all of you have been waiting for this moment, and frankly, so have I...so, please...on with the ceremony." "Very well. But before we continue...if there is anyone here who is of the opinion that these two people should not commit themselves to each other, speak now..." everyone stands up "...or forever hold your peace." Crowd chants "just say no" - at *this* point, out comes... THE GODFATHER & TWENTY - NO, TEN LADIES. I guess he stopped being legitimate? This must have been where they wanted Road Dogg? "I'm sorry...I'm sorry. But when I heard that there was a party goin' on here...I *knew* that Minneapolis, Minnesota was-" "He said Minneapolis!" "-was the next stop for the HOOOOOO TRAIN! So let the good times roll because The Godfather is back in business! Now Rico...I, The Godfather, does dig your fashion sense - but I can't let that stop me from stoppin' this ceremony. Because the truth must be heard! Billy...Billy. What happened? Man, I know that you still got the pimp in ya, man! Billy...I remember, ha ha, that these fine fine fine fine fine fine fine FINE ladies used to like you so much that I had to ask you to stay away because the cookies were giving up too much free nookie! And Chuck, what's up with your image? You were one of the great legenrday skirt chasers of all time, dawg! You were one of the badass Palumbo brothers! You weren't too particular, though...well, ya see - ol' Chucky P., he used to like the heftier ladies of the stable if ya know what I mean. But listen here, guys, guys, guys, listen. It leads me to ask one question. What in the HIZZELL is goin' on in here?" "You just hold on a minute there, buddy! *I* will not take this interruption! And I'll tell you another thing - nobody in this building wants to see you and your - your - your GOOD TIME GIRLS! So, please removeth thyself from the building. And if you don't do it, I'll have Security do it for me. Andale!" Billy & Chuck look to be questioning Rico. "I've got it under control - just wait a second. Shush! Yes, I got it - everything's handled. Everything is okay. Take your places." "Rico - Rico - if you can't use my services, I only got one thing to say. You don't know what you're missin', when you miss a ride on the HOOOOOO TRAIN! Let's go, girls!" And off they go. Billy & Chuck show a bit more confusion. "In your places - I got it - I got it. In your places. It's under control - trust me. Please, sir...let's continue. In fact, in fact, let's skip all this interruption part and uh, uh - let's go right to the end. Go right to the end." "Very well....Billy, do you pledge to commit yourself unto Chuck...until death do you part, in sickness or in health?" Billy looks to Rico, who leans in. Crowd now chants "Just say ho." "Yes." "And Chuck...do you commit yourself unto Billy in sickness and in health until death do you part?" Chuck looks really confused. "Go ahead, Chuck - it's okay." "Rico..." "Chuck! Now is not the time to get cold feet! Trust me - just do it." Chuck looks baffled. "Yes." "Yes! Yes yes he said yes. I am so happy." "Then by the power vested in me..." Billy is looking *really* nervous now. "I pronounce you.." Chuck stops him. "Whoa whoa whoa whoa hey yo hey yo heyyyyYO." "What?" "What are you doin'? What, what are you thinking? It wasn't supposed to happen this way, it wasn't supposed to go this far, Rico!" "COME ON, RICO! WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?! This was all just supposed to be a publicity stunt! Hey - we're not gay, I mean, we've got nothing against gay people..." Crowd cheers. "As a matter of fact, if I was gay I probably wouldn't marry Chuck. But that guy right there ain't pronouncin' us NOTHIN'!!" "I knw it! I knew you two would back out at the last second! All of my hard work! All this pageantry! All the publicity! All the attention was my idear and you two guys are screwin' this up!" "Stop, gentlemen, gentlemen, stop!" "You're screwin' this up - no, it's okay, Stephanie - it's all right." "Stop, stop, stop. I have been a justice of the peace for a long time, and there's one thing that I know, and that's that a commitment is a very special thing. The bond that Chuck & Billy have is sacred." There it is! "And that will never change." "It'll never change." "It doesn't matter if it lasts fifty years...sixteen months... or three minutes. WAIT A MINUTE." His voice drastically changes. "Did I just hear myself say...'three minutes?'" Yikes, don't tell me that's Bischoff under there - glasses off - latex and wig and yup, it's THE WIFESWAPPER. Crowd goes nuts. Billy goes for Rico, but eats a kick in the gut. Bischoff grabs Stephanie while Chuck throttles Rico - but now THE NEW GOOD OL' JR are out, dismantling the gazebo and now dismantling Chuck - snap Samoan Drop for him - splash in the corner for Billy. Now Bischoff feeds Stephanie to Jamal for a (very gentle) Samoan Drop. Now Rico and Rosey hold down Stephanie as Jamal heads up top...but before he can do it, EDGE, RAYMOND STEREO & JOHN CENA are out from the back, chasing everyone out through the crowd. KURT ANGLE checks on Stephanie as THE ENTIRE LOCKER ROOM (well, at least D-Von, Hurricane, Shannon Moore and the Guerreros) head out to surround Stephanie. Last thing we hear is Eddie's voice: "What's goin' on holmes" Well. So, I guess this made you more likely to eagerly anticipate Billy & Chuck's next match...? Rico's? Godfather's? Well, certainly this made you more likely to spend $34.99 on Unforgiven... ...? Well, bloody hell, I'm not exactly sure just WHAT they accomplished besides get Stephanie a lot of screen time on "Extra"... of course, they (like the New York Post, USA Today, &c.) will probably make doubly sure that, having treated THIS story seriously, they'll not get burned again when the NEXT "big WWE story" breaks. Of course, the "Today" folks have only themselves to blame for booking Billy & Chuck without checking the spoiler reports first...right? And why didn't Taker or Lesnar run out to save Stephanie? Don't they care about their general manager, too? HMMM Okay, let's move on. Stacker 2 ad #2 (Bubba again - still on RAW) I *say* I'm gonna go watch "Barbershop..." but I'm probably not I tell you, it's SO nice to see that young lady leave that BABY CARRIAGE BOMB all alone, out on the street, so close to the 9/11 anniversary - I guess she NEVER FORGOT Gavin Rossdale's "Adrenaline" is the official theme of Unforgiven - buy the "XXX" soundtrack CD. MOMENTS AGO! Damn, you *already* gave this segment twenty-one minutes...do we REALLY need to rehash it? Closeup on Stephanie's reaction...hey, she *still* can't act TORRIE SAMUDA (with Let Us Take You Back to Last Month) v. NIDIA in a Women's contest
referee: MIKE SPARKS
Torrie with a baseball slide dropkick to the outside, chop, inside, ring the bell - Nidia with a clothesline. Cover, 2. Nidia throws her gum at Torrie (but she'd been chewing that piece for MONTHS!) - into the ropes, head down, Torrie kicks, scoop...and a slam, hooks the leg, 2. Still on her - but Nidia hits a jawbreaker. Knee, double sledge, slams her head to the mat, poses to the crowd, field goal kick, open-handed slap, head to the buckle, into the opposite corner, but Torrie pulls up, hops over Nidia as she comes in - then runs into her boot. Torrie ducks the clothesline, gutshot, swinging neckbreaker, 1, 2, 3, oh. (1:34) Inside Taker's dressing room - man, I'm amazed he even let a camera IN there. "You all right?" "Yeah." "I'll be right back - this shouldn't take too long." He leaves her...to READ?!? Why wouldn't she watch HER HUSBAND on the monitor? Geez Louise...and to compound matters, they don't even let us see *what book she is reading.* These things are IMPORTANT! Hey, that's a nice couch...wonder where they RENTED it from Meanwhile, Matt Hardy is WALKING! He knocks on the exciting door. "Hey, guys. You ready?" And NOW Hardy is bookended by Brock Lesnar and Paul Heyman...oh no! And now, the Extreme Blast of the Night, rocked by JVC's Tower of Power! From last week, Paul Heyman's STILL talking... MATT HARDY (Cameron, North Carolina - 234 pounds - with King Brock Lesnar & Paul Heyman - and the "Forceable Entry" CD cover) v. THE AWESOME UNDERTAKER (Houston, Texas - 305 pounds - on His Beautiful Bourget Python Bike)
referee: Chioda
Hardy has new music! Alert the media! I don't know WHICH "Forceable Entry" track it is but I'll take their word for it that it's on there. Taker throws his shirt right at Lesnar on the floor - why, that's not very respectful! Heyman hops on the apron - just for yuks, I suppose. Here we go - no, Heyman on the apron again. Now Heyman slides a chair into the ring - Chioda catches it and throws it out. FINALLY they lock up - Taker shoves him away - back elbow, back elbow, back elbow, kick, soupbone. Into the opposite corner, scooped up on his shoulder - and driven down with a powerslam. Lesnar's doing the Happy Dance! Last Ride coming up - no, he lets go - Heyman's AGAIN on the apron - Heyman chased off the apron and Chioda's had enough, going outside and tossing him. Unfortunately, while that goes on, he's not watching the big screen, where Hardy delivers the uppernut. Forearm in the back, forearm, forearm, right, right, right, right, kick, right, into the ropes is reversed, Taker with the big boot. Off the ropes, and Lesnar grabs the ankle, getting just enough to turn Taker around and keep him distracted. Hardy gets a free shot from behind and makes the most of it, putting him on the floor. While Hardy talks to Chioda about his 9/11 plans, Lesnar pops up with a big clothesline on the floor for Taker. Taker rolled back in but Chioda caught him with his hands on him...so he goes out and tosses HIM. Hardy pounces on Taker - mount, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right. Stomp, stomp, forearm in the back, forearm, right, right, kick, kick, kick, Chioda pulls him off so he poses to the crowd - runs in and clotheslines Taker in the corner. Right hand, right, kick, into the ropes, reversed, head down, forearm in the back by Hardy, going for the Twist of Fate but Taker shoves him out and lands a lariat as he comes back. Taker checks his jaw - Hardy right, Taker soupbone - right, soupbone. Right is blocked, soupbone puts him down. Soupbone. Head to the buckle, into the opposite corner, running start on the clothesline and Hardy's got nowhere to go but down. Taker puts Hardy into the oppostie corner...scooped up - Snake Eyes down - big boot - meanwhile, the video walls have switched to a shot of Heyman backstage - the camera has followed him to Taker's dressing room. "You know--" "Get out of here now." "I always heard that pregnant women is when a female is at her most beautiful...but Sara, I never realised just how attractive you really are." Taker leaves the ring and runs up the ramp. "Look, I don't know what you're up to, you need to get out right now." "You don't understand, I mean...I tried to reason with your husband last week, now I'm trying to reason with you. Sara, how are you gonna take care of an infant child, and when Brock is through with your husband, with an invalid Undertaker? Don't you understand what I'm all about? Oh God, oh God, OH GOD--" Taker's caught up and has him throttled. "I'll rip your head off!!" Of course, he does not - "MARK LOOK OUT!" - Lesnar comes in with a WHACK to his head, dropping him. Lesnar advances on Sara...but doesn't say anything. Instead, he puts a hand on her belly. "Life's a bitch." He tries to make her flinch, but she can't act - I mean, she' PETRIFIED. They take off and Sara drops to her knees to check on her husband - credits are up and we're out. Presumably, *right* after we went off the air, Chioda FINALLY got to ten and Matt won via countout. RIGHT? (COR? About 5:30) Man, I hate loose ends like that. Still, Matt's guarantee came true! Don't ever doubt him again! (Unless they completely fail to mention it. Gee, they wouldn't do THAT....would they?)