Don't get excited; it's just a one-off. I have three reasons; two are
selfish. The first is that there are some friends of mine who may not get
the chance to see this show thanks to Izzy; the second, that I was
wondering what calling a sixty minute match would be like. I hope The
Cubs Fan doesn't mind me bogarting his gig.
TV-PG-DLV - Attitude - Entertainment - WWE
Here's Mr. McMahon: "Whether you're an avid WWE fan or not, tonight, for
the first time ever on broadcast television, you'll witness two
world-class athletes attempt to raise the bar on their predecessors...and
challenge those who would dare to follow. Tonight, Smackdown presents the
one hour Ironman match. Tonight, you'll see the first Olympic gold
medalist in WWE history, Kurt Angle the champion, challenged by Brock
Lesnar." Spying something off camera, Vince's expression changes.
Camera pulls back to reveal...The Undertaker. "I just thought I'd take
this time...to reassure you, I'm not here to interfere in your Ironman
match. I got too much respect in the Championship for that...but I got no
respect for you. You see, I know it was you, Vince, that sent Brock after
me in my title match against Angle. And you know me well enough, Vince -
I don't forgive...and I sure don't forget." Oh MAN - I think they just
gave away the outcome of this match!
Closed Captioned - I want it all - all of the Opening Credits, that is
YIPPYRO! Coming to you from the RBC Center on the campus of North
Carolina State University in Raleigh, NC 18.9.3 (taped 16.9), you betcha
it's on now - tonight, the historic Ironman match for the WWE Championship
on the SEASON PREMIERE - yes, episode #214 marks the start of the can you
believe it FIFTH season of WWE SMACKDOWN!, broadcast on UPN and The Score,
and let's move right to a
TALE OF THE TAPE: Move right to the graphic and a picture is worth right
around 35 words, and since you don't GET that picture, here are those
words:
Brock Lesnar: 6'4", 295 lbs, Minneapolis, MN, F5, 2-time WWE Champion,
1999 NCAA Heavyweight Champion.
Kurt Angle: 6'0", 240 lbs, Pittsburgh, PA, Ankle lock, Angle slam, 4-time
and current WWE Champion, 1996 Olympic gold medalist
BUT FIRST!
REY MYSTERIO (WWE cruiserweight champion - San Diego, California - 175
pounds) and CHRIS BENOIT (Edmonton, Alberta - 229 pounds) v. TAJIRI (Japan
- 206 pounds) and RHYNO (Detroit, Michigan - 275 pounds)
referee: JIMMY KORDERAS
Graphic: Next week, the title is on the line as Tajiri meets Mysterio!
C'mon, look at Tajiri and Rhyno standing in the ring and tell me that
Rhyno REALLY outweighs his partner by SEVENTY pounds. We start with
Benoit and Tajiri. Kim notices that Benoit's tights say "agression,"
which is a misspelling - or a WWE trademark, who knows. Lockup, side
headlock by Benoit - Tajiri to the gut, shoves him into the ropes, Benoit
shoulderblock down. Time to run the ropes, Benoit up and over, ducks a
kick to the head by Tajiri, chops, chop, chop and Tajiri goes DOWN.
Tajiri cowering in the corner and Benoit on him - into the opposite corner
- but Tajiri ducks the charge and applies the tarantula! Unfortunately,
Korderas gravitates to a protesting Mysterio and doesn't see it behind his
back. Tajiri lets go...and Benoit staggers RIGHT into a spinebuster from
Rhyno! No tag (duly noted by Cole) but Korderas still counts a... 2.
Stomp by Rhyno, stomp, stomp, stomp, stomp, tomp, stomp, stomp. Whatever
works. Benoit shot into the corner - head to the gut finds the mark.
Cover...but only 2. Cole says that never before has a match been
scheduled to go sixty minutes...funny, I thought the implied time limit in
the big matches was ALWAYS sixty minutes - maybe he meant something else.
Benoit manages an elbow to the gut to turn the tide, chop, chop, into the
corner is reversed and Benoit goes sternum first. Back suplex by Rhyno -
reversed in midair to a press for 2! Benoit DOES hit the back suplex and
both men are down. Mysterio would really like to get in this match - and
DOES! Springboard to the cannonball (Cole: "senton!") to start it off,
right, right, reversal on the way to the corner but Mysterio gets the back
elbow up on the charge by Rhyno - leaping up into a top rope moonsault -
HITS! Over to Tajiri for a free shot...but that seemed to give Rhyno
*just* enough time to recover - Rhyno with a kick, into the ropes,
up...and Mysterio reverses, hitting an inverted bulldog, putting Rhyno
down face first - leg is hooked - 1, 2...but Tajiri breaks it up! Benoit
over to help, knocking down Tajiri. Stomping away but Korderas manages to
pull him off. While they argue in Benoit's corner, Rhyno attempts the
powerbomb - Mysterio isn't going for that and lands on his feet - right,
right, Tajiri up from behind, spins around Mysterio who ducks the GREEN
MIST! and Rhyno takes the brunt! Tajiri ducks a clothesline and grabs the
waistlock...but Benoit has had enough of Korderas and runs back in -
clubbing forearm to Tajiri's back, and TAJIRI goes for the German suplex
ride! Benoit is holding on, Tajiri tries grabbing the ropes, only to eat
a 619 from Mysterio which frees him for the SECOND German suplex! Benoit
releases and everybody rolls out - meanwhile, Mysterio hits the 619 on a
still-misted Rhyno, Mysterio outside the ring, and back in with the
"Dropping the Dime" springboard legdrop - that should probably do it...and
it does. 1, 2, 3. (3:15) Tajiri tries to go after Mysterio, but he
slides out while Tajiri's sliding in. Benoit and Mysterio celebrate - and
Tajiri glowers.
TONIGHT: Los Guerreros get a shot at Charlie Haas & Shelton Benjamin's tag
team championship!
TONIGHT: It's a 60 minute Ironman match!
WOW Limp Bizkit is back! I didn't even know they were gone!
"WrestleMania XIX" for the Gamecube ad - hey, that guy sounds JUST like
Hulk Hogan! Lemme check....hmm, WrestleMania XIX WAS six months ago
Here's a look at GQ Magazine, featuring The Rock on the cover
TORRIE WILSON
(with Smackdown is sponsored by Limp Bizkit's "Results May Vary," THQ's
"WrestleMania XIX" for the Gamecube, and "The Rundown!") and NIDIA (with
Dawn Marie) v. SHANIQUA (with the Basham Brothers - and next week,
Smackdown is in Philadelphia!) in a 2-on-1 Women's match referee: MIKE
SPARKS Let Us Take You Back One Week, when Dawn Marie gamely challenged
Shaniqua and got her butt kicked...and got saved by her stepdaughter (look
it up). THIS week, Dawn happens to come out with Nidia to offer some
moral support, we are told, and I guess I'm probably saved from having to
make crack like "Dawn Marie and Nidia are now friends
because...umm....err....I'll get back to you on that." Oops, I did it
anyway. You know, that Shaniqua, she's an AMAZON! AN AMAZON! Or so we
hear about a *million* times during the introduction. Kim asked me, "does
that mean she's from the jungle...because she's BLACK?" Although Doug and
Danny come out with Shaniqua, they head backstage as she walks the aisle.
Shaniqua vaults the top rope and ends up in a heap of catfight pounding
from both opponents - Shaniqua rolls under the bottom rope to the outside
after a kick from Torrie - Nidia and Torrie running the ropes for a double
baseball slide! Everybody outside and stomping away. Shaniqua back in
the ring - Shaniqua is an AMAZON! Nidia stomps away as Sparks decides
somebody needs to actually be on the outside in the corner during this
match. Elbow, chop, chop, gutshot, off the ropes...into a Shaniqua
powerslam - cover, no, Shaniqua's up as Torrie runs in to try to help -
and eats a big clothesline. AN AMAZON! 1, 2, Nidia kicks out. (WWE Live
onsale crawl appears here) Shaniqua goes for Torrie...but Torrie manages
a jawbreaker, and Shaniqua falls back into a schoolgirl by Nidia - 1, 2,
NO! Shaniqua up, Torrie and Nidia down after the double clothesline.
Scoop...and Torrie is bodyslammed onto her partner. Shaniqua puts Torrie
through the ropes and to the outside. Got Nidia by the hair...here comes
the powerbomb - and MAN, Nidia sure knows how to take a powerbomb. Also,
maybe it was a bad idea to have Lita try to use the powerbomb on RAW.
But I digress. 1, 2, 3. (1:41) Shaniqua leaves the ring and does her
"rotating my fists" pose...then, seeing Dawn Marie in to check on Nidia,
goes BACK in the ring to give Dawn Marie a boot in the face that takes her
out of her shoes - then throws her through the ropes to the outside.
Back out after her. (Cole: "This chick is a freak!") Up on her shoulder
- and driven into the STEEL post "like a spear!" (So he just called her a
spear chucker? Let's all hope not) Back to the "rotating my fists"
pose - pausing to adjust her top because we can ALMOST see a breast
To the Room of Fun, where Stephanie is on the phone with me about what a
great exhibition the ironman match is going to be...and drawing devil
horns and facial hair on a promotional photo of Sable. She's interrupted
by Vince, Sable, and Big Show (in his big suit) and has to hang up. "I
didn't bother knocking, but--" "Well, you never do, dad." "No, 'cause I
don't have to, do I now. You know but I must say I was surprised at your
decision making last week - rather than quit, you actually chose to get
into the ring with Brock Lesnar." "Well, Dad, it might not have been the
smartest thing to do...but you can't make me quit." Show grabs her by the
arm...but Vince calls her off. "Easy, Show, easy...I've got it. I'll
handle this. And I am gonna make you quit. That's the one thing I will
do." I think Steph forgot her line, so Vince continues - "As a matter of
fact, you wanna play rough, you kicked me in the groin? Last week--"
"Dad, why don't you just fire me and get it over with?" "Because I do
what I do, when I wanna do it. I don't want to fire you. I want you to
quit, on your own volition." "Well, I'm not going to." "Oh yes you are.
You played rough last week, you kicked me in the groin...I'M gonna start
playing rough, and when I start playing rough...one day you're gonna wish
- in fact, you may even beg me to quit."
COMING UP: Tag team titles are on the line!
"Hideous...gruesome...sadistic..." shouldn't be taken out of context as
you watch Shane McMahon and Kane in this Unforgiven promo
Triple H's surely-soon-to-be-award-winning YJ Stinger ad - say, how come
the only brother in this ad is the BUM - HUH? (Also, how much spare
change do you suppose a "Thou Shalt FEEL THE STING" sign will getcha these
days? Maybe yellowjackets in your cup - ooh, now THAT sounds painful)
Here's a look at the glamourous exterior of the RBC Center. I wonder what
"RBC" stands for?
Let Us Take You Back to WrestleMania and SummerSlam for two previous
meetings between Brock Lesnar and Kurt Angle - missed shooting star press,
F5, Brock looks GONE but he did win - counter, counter, anklelock and YOU
TAPPED OUT - TONIGHT: - BROCK LESNAR - KURT ANGLE - 3 - man, that "3" is
coming right at us, man
To the locker room, where Chavo tells Eddie how he went to Stephanie
McMahon and got Los Guerreros a tag team title shot and it's NEXT. After
tonight, Eddie will have double gold! Eddie says "simon"
a lot. "You know...I think I could USE some more gold, man! I think I
look GOOD, ese!" "Bro, you're gonna look *great* with more gold..."
"Simon vato!" "...so I tell you what - let's stop talking about it..."
"Orale!" "...and let's go out there and kick some butt! And bring home
that WWE tag titles...to Grandma." "Simon, ese, por la raza! Por
familia! Me 'n' you, Chavito! Los Guerreros ride tonight!" "Orale
holmes!"
NEXT: Los Guerreros - Haas & Benjamin - Tag team championship match!
"Where can I see these fine performers in the weeks to come?" I hear you
asking...well, wonder no more because Saturday, it's MSG! Sunday is
Binghamton! Monday is Bethlehem and look for Shapiro! Smackdown is
Philadelphia and next Saturday it's Winnipeg!
Can you imagine the television executive who said "you know....the world
NEEDS to give Dan Cortese another shot"
Off to the WWE Rewind, sponsored by THQ's "WWE WrestleMania XIX!" From
last week, Chavo makes his return, helping Eddie take down John Cena to
win the Circle of Iron...wait, that's not what they called it,
hmmm...Latino Heat Streetfight
EARLIER TODAY: From what appears to be the roof of the arena, JOHN CENA
(retro Braves) has a few words: "I underestimated the Guerreros - I don't
know what to say, bro / Those dudes are better at cheatin' than Ben
Affleck is with J.Lo! / I don't got the US title, but I didn't lose any
steam / Screw Ted Turner and the Braves, I'M America's team! / John Cena's
more American than silicone strippers / Leaving cats dead in they tracks
from heart attacks ("like John Ritter" is muted) / And next week, John
Cena fulfills his patriotic duty / I'll be higher than hippies at 4:20
watchin' a "Cheech & Chong" movie. / And I'm an American thug standin' on
top of this buildin'! / Leaving all opposition dead, like Saddam Hussein's
children. Word life." He's gonna...challenge Sergeant Slaughter?
WWE TAG TEAM CHAMPIONSHIP: LOS GUERREROS (Chavo & Eddie [WWE US Champion]
- challengers - El Paso, Texas - 441 pounds) v. CHARLIE HAAS & SHELTON
BENJAMIN (champions - already in the ring - 489 pounds)
referee: MIKE CHIODA
It was four months ago when Chavo suffered a bicep injury just before Los
Guerreros got their shot at the tag team championship - will they make
good tonight? We snip the champions' entrance in order to see all of the
challengers' drive up in the lo-rider. Quick plug for the Saturday show
at MSG - tickets still available (I know, *I* can't believe it either!)
Pretty good "Ed-die" chant greets Eddie as he starts with Benjamin. HERE
WE GO: Lockup, waistlock by Guerrero, Benjamin grabs an elbow and
counters, THAT'S quickly countered with a single leg by Guerrero,
floatover, Benjamin escapes, they roll to the corner and Eddie manages a
drop toehold and Chavo gets the tag, coming in with a stomp (stomping
Benjamin's hand...but Benjamin sells his head - ohhh-kay) - stomp by
Chavo, Euro uppercut, again, head to the corner, tag to Eddie, holding him
for Eddie's kick, into the ropes, double back elbow. Benjamin manages to
muscle Eddie to the corner for a tag out. While Chioda works on getting
Benjamin out, Haas sneaks in a choke. In now, kick, kick, kick, kick.
Into the corner is reversed, no reversed into a whip back into the CHAMPS'
corner. Haas with...another kick. And now he tags out to Benjamin, who
presumably has some non-kick moves in his arsenal. Kick - oops.
Guerrero right, Benjamin right, Guerrero right, Guerrero back elbow to
knock Haas on the apron, right for Benjamin, back elbow for Haas, then
busts out a Northern Lights suplex onto almost a chickenwing on Benjamin's
arm - and rolls to his corner to tag in Chavo! They head to a neutral
corner and Guerrero is in control - right, right, right, right, right,
right, kick, kick, kick, kick, shot for Haas who is trying to come up from
behind, Benjamin reverses the Irish whip but Chavo hits a monkey flip -
nice dropkick for Haas - runs into a double rotation before the spinning
head scissors! Chavo with a pescado onto Haas on the floor...and Eddie
hits one on Benjamin at the other side of the arena! Guerreros in
control...let's take an ad break.
"The Rundown" ad
So this video game line phone number is PLY-2-WIN - is there a lot of
plying going on, you
think?
Finally back and Eddie is choking Haas with the tag rope while Chioda has
his back turned arguing with Benjamin - they're lying, cheating and
stealing, you see. Eddie tags in and it'll be him on Haas. Stooges
eyepoke! Chop! Into the ropes, back elbow. It's all Guerrero - tag to
Chavo for a knee in the back over the top rope. Eddie with a snapmare as
Chavo runs the ropes for the dropkick to the head. They're on all
cylinders now - Chavo hooks the leg but Benjamin breaks it up at two.
Somehow, Haas manages a knee and a clubbing forearm and takes him to his
corner for a tag from Benjamin. Clubbing forearm to the back by Benjamin.
Elbow. Chavo kicks back, kick, forearm in the back, another, into his own
corner, right, right, European uppercut, tag to Eddie. Eddie goes for the
suplex but Benjamin shifts his weight and counters with a crossbody - 1,
2, Chavo FLIES in to break it up. Benjamin wants the powerbomb, but he's
not Shaniqua (Bradshaw: "He's NOT?!?") so Eddie counters into a sunset
flip for 2. Double clothesline and BOTH men are down! Eddie starts the
crawl - he'll make it before Benjamin, but both men DO tag - Chavo with a
gutshot, shove to the corner, into the OPPOSITE corner, but Haas gets two
boots up. Eddie tries to come in and Haas goads him - Chioda looks the
wrong way once again and Benjamin comes in with the SUPERKICK (aka "noisy
slap my own chest to heighten IMPACT") to Chavo's...well, chest, to be
honest. Cole says he was pinpointing the bicep - nice cover. Haas must
have heard him and grabs Chavo's arm, dropping it over his shoulder in an
armbreaker. I guess they're targeting the bad arm - bicep first into the
top turnbuckle. Wrapped over the top rope and Haas screams a lot. Right
hand. From the outside, Benjamin grabs the arm and yanks it over the top
rope as he jumps to the floor - owch. Haas with a hammerlock Northern
Lights (!) and bridge (!) but only gets 2. Hammerlock reapplied, tag to
Benjamin, stomp by Benjamin as Haas goes out. BENJAMIN keys the lock.
Chavo to his feet - but they back to the champs' corner, and Haas is in
again, kick, kick, takeover (Tazz: "freestyle underarm spin"), knee to the
bicep. Haas picks him up, and Chavo fires back from the good arm - right,
right, right, right, off the ropes, flying jalapeno (!) and both men are
down. Eddie reaches for the tag - but Haas has the ankle and keeps him
from completing. Benjamin comes in and knocks Chavo down. While Chioda
works at getting Benjamin back to his corner, Chavo DOES make the tag...so
you know that the ref didn't see it. Eddie manages a right hand to each
man before Chioda can assert himself. Now the champs go to work on the
doubleteam - Chavo into the ropes, Benjamin leapfrogs him up...only to set
up a missile dropkick on Haas! Benjamin, not seeing it, mouths off to
Eddie while Chavo leaps to his corner - although Benjamin catches him,
Chavo makes the HOT TAG! Eddie in - clothesline for Haas, clothesline for
Benjamin, clothesline for you, clothesline for you, into the ropes with
Haas, back body drop, he's FIRED UP, over to Benjamin for a vertical
suplex, hanging on and swinging his legs to hit two, wants three but Haas
has the ready forearm and clubs him in the back. Haas with a German
suplex on Eddie - 1, 2, no. Atomic drop is BLOCKED by Guerrero...elbow in
the back by Guerrero, then pulls him up just high enough to make sure that
HE is the target for the incoming SUPERKICK by Benjamin! Taking it in the
back of the head ensures Haas is out COLD, so Guerrero goes to work on
Benjamin - gutshot, laces the fingers, scales the corner, leaps off for
the lucha-style armdrag and ALSO manages a simultaneous headscissors on
Haas!! Eddie is FEELING IT - and so is the crowd, chanting "Eddie!" Is
it time for the frog splash? Benjamin thinks not - heading over to the
corner before Eddie can fly - right is blocked, Guerrero right, right,
Benjamin right, Benjamin climbs up - Guerrero shoves him off hard - wants
the frog splash on Haas but Haas is up and Eddie has to roll through on
the landing...Haas in and Guerrero dumps him over the top to the outside.
Haas relieves the ringside crew of two STEEL chairs and arms both himself
AND his partner. While Chioda works on separating Haas from his chair,
behind has back BENJAMIN advances on Eddie - but Eddie spots it and ducks.
Benjamin still manages a back elbow to Eddie, but Chavo is in from behind,
kicking the chair into Benjamin's knee!! Clutching his knee, Benjamin
rolls to the ropes - Haas back in, and now getting Benjamin to the outside
so he can check on him. Alone, Haas heads back into the ring - but Los
Guerreros are waiting. Forearms into the back - into the ropes - HOLY
CRAP they folded him up with a...hell, I don't know WHAT that was - it
started out as a double back body drop, but Haas kinda STOPPED rotating
about halfway through, tucked his head and landed pretty high up on his
back. He must be okay, though - Chavo his him up for a brainbuster and
Eddie is waiting for the frog splash - can it be? 1, 2, 3 - YES!!!
Ladies and gentlemen, we have new WWE tag team champions. (2:32 + 7:25) I
wonder...I wonder if that's it for Haas & Benjamin as a team. Cole
wonders if this is an omen of things to come in the WWE Championship
match. Replay of that WICKED double back bomb...and of the frog
splash...and the celebration. Chavo wants a celebratory hop from the
lo-rider...and Eddie is happy to comply.
Graphic lists off Tazz' KEYS TO VICTORY:
BROCK LESNAR (Challenger): 1. Strong Style 2. Numerous F5's 3. Channeled
Rage
KURT ANGLE (Champion): 1. 1st Ankle lock 2. Mat game 3. No Angle slam?
Let's look at that Tale of the Tape graphic one more time. The Ironman
match is NEEEEEEEEEEEEXT
"RAW Magazine: Special Edition" ad
You know, I've noticed something about the local ads here - none of them
are for California
gubernatorial candidates - I guess they figure people watching this
show have already made up their minds and can't possibly be swayed by
advertising, right? (No, they figure people watching this show AREN'T
VOTING.) Oh...
The WWE SMACK OF THE NIGHT! is brought to you by Clearasil Acne Defense
Cleanser (It's For Your Zits) and is "highlights" of last week's Brock
Lesnar/Stephanie McMahon epic
Your hosts are MICHAEL KING COLE & TAZZZZZZZZZ. Holy crap, Cole shaved
off everything but a TINY soul patch and now that he's dipped into Eric
Bischoff's supply of BrylCream, he looks JUST like Todd Pettengill -
frightening. Cole says this is the third WWE ironman match after
Hart/Michaels and Triple H/Rock. Didn't Hart and Flair have ironman
matches all over the country?
Backstage, in the locker room, the heels place bets on Brock Lesnar
Meanwhile, in the APA offices, Bradshaw shouts a lot. Say, who are the
two women?
WWE CHAMPIONSHIP: BROCK LESNAR (challenger - Minneapolis, Minnesota - 295
pounds) v. KURT ANGLE (champion - Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania - 240 pounds)
in an Ironman match
referee: BRIAN HEBNER
In case you forgot Lesnar is a heel, the distinct lack of a
three-octaves-higher Tazz saying "WELL! HERECOMESTHEPAIN" ices it.
Graphic runs down the rules: "1. Superstar with the most falls at the end
of 60 minutes will be the (logo) Champion. 2. Falls scored by pinfall,
submission, disqualification or countout. 3. After each fall, there will
be a 15 second designated rest period." Ring introductions are done
during the entrances as usual - I would have had them with both men in the
ring, but maybe that's too ECW. There goes Cole again - "only four men in
WWE history have competed in an ironman matchup." I mean, Flair is
CURRENTLY with the company, for crying out loud. Or did they call them
something else back then? The TV-PG-DLV ratings back is up and we better
start soon or we'll be out of show! "You tapped out" chant to raise
Lesnar's ire. Angle and Lesnar standing toe to toe - Angle hasn't removed
the belt yet. Clock in the corner, Angle removes the belt, Lesnar
surprises him with a kick in the gut and HERE WE GO! Lesnar with a
clubbing forearm, forearm, forearm, kick, stomp, stomp, stomp, stomp,
stomp, stomp, stomp, stomp. Standing on the neck. Hebner isn't having
much luck getting him off. He breaks at 4 - back to it - breaks at four
again. Another kick. Angle back on his feet, another kick by Lesnar.
Into the opposite corner, and Lesnar bowls him over. Another boot on the
neck for 4. Clock is off the screen, by the way. Stomp. All Lesnar in
the early going - shoulder in the gut, and again. BIG hiptoss out of the
corner by Lesnar. Angle clutches his back. Kick in the gut. Angle
finally fires back with a right - right, right, Lesnar with a knee to turn
back the onslaught. Angle whipped into the opposite corner, but gets the
elbow up to stop the charge. Angle with a clothesline but Lesnar stays on
his feet. A second clothesline fails to fell the big man. Off the ropes
again, Angle ducks a clothesline attempt, turns round and dropkicks the
back of the leg to FINALLY take him off his feet. Lesnar back up,
clotheslined down! Angle with a belly-to-belly! I guess the mat
wrestling is right out, then. Lesnar rolls out of the ring. Hebner
starts up the count as crowd works up another "You tapped out" chant.
Angle won't be sucked into following him outside at this point. Hebner up
to 5 and Lesnar climbs the steps to get back in the ring. Finally through
the ropes and back in. Brock's back to the Happy Dance! Feeling
out...but Brock stops and clutches his right knee. He wants a timeout...I
don't think he's gonna get it here. Angle approaches him - ah, he was
just playing possum here - gutshot for Angle - clubbing forearm. Stomp,
stomp, stomp, kick, kick, kick. Forearm in the back. Into the ropes,
Angle reverses, what an armdrag, another armdrag, THIRD armdrag, and
Lesnar rolls out and into the barricade. Lesnar is a little frustrated
here. Angle again waits in the ring while Lesnar does a little damage to
the STEEL steps. NOW he's got the TOP of the steps...that'd probably be a
bad idea there. Hebner is up to NINE when Lesnar tosses the steps back to
the floor and gets back in the ring - but just so, immediately heading
back outside. Angle STILL doesn't want to go to the outside - in fact,
he's daring Lesnar to get back in and fight. Lesnar onto the apron -
Angle runs at him and Lesnar backs off. Hebner starts the count again.
Looks like mind games over mat wrestling for the opening part of this
match, as Angle start to show frustration with the stall tactics. Crowd
starts to get on Lesnar. Lesnar onto the apron - Hebner to six - Angle
runs at Lesnar and Lesnar hops back onto the floor. Clock shows us that
five minutes have elapsed. FINALLY Lesnar is in the ring. They circle -
Lesnar goes wild-eyed and maybe we'll finally get a little mat action
here. Angle drops down to try for a single leg...and Lesnar LEAPS out of
the ring and onto the floor. Crowd is getting livid. Commentators
suggest that Lesnar is scared to death that Angle could clamp on the
anklelock...could be! Lesnar back up the back steps...goes to part the
ropes - Angle runs at him and Lesnar ducks - then throats Angle on the top
rope while dropping to the floor! Angle whips back and hits the mat, and
Lesnar seizes the opportunity. Lesnar with a gutshot, forearm in the
back, another forearm, stomp, standing on the neck and using the top rope
to add a little something extra. Straight right hand. Into the ropes,
but Angle reverses into another belly-to-belly suplex! Angle clotheslines
Lesnar over the top rope to the floor! I don't know how wise that was,
given Lesnar's proclivity for staying outside, but Angle looks pretty
pumped about it. Lesnar again clutches his right knee and begs off.
Angle leaves the ring on the opposite side and starts to walk over to
Brock's side. And he attacks - right hand, stomp, picks him up, elbow,
head to the STEEL steps (!), rolls in to stop the count...and rolls back
out. Right. Right. Right. Lesnar manages a knee, forearm in the back,
and DRIVES Angle back first (Cole: "kidney first!" ) into the apron. Now
picks up Angle and puts his back into the STEEL post!! Angle rolled back
in the ring - Lesnar scares off the ringside crew and procures a chair.
Well, this can't be good. Lesnar back in the ring and in full view of
Hebner - WHACK to Angle's head! Hebner calls for the bell and that's the
first fall (DQ 8:30, Angle 1-0) - Lesnar takes the chair to Angle's back -
WHACK - WHACK - WHACK - WHACK - well, five shots for one DQ is probably a
decent tradeoff, but we won't know until later in the hour. Lesnar
asks the commentators for some water. The fifteen second rest period is a
bit longer, but I reckon Angle doesn't mind. Hebner starts a count and
Lesnar is back in at three. Lesnar taunts Angle, then slaps him in the
face. Angle tries to climb up Lesnar, but Lesnar isn't having it. Stomp.
Forearm in the back, forearm. Angle seems out on his knees. Lesnar helps
Angle up - and then gives him the Key on My Keyboard! 1, 2, 3. (10:20,
1-1) Tazz: "I get it now." Lesnar does the happy dance while waiting for
the fifteen seconds to be over. We take a replay of the first chairshot -
and one of the F5. Lesnar sneaks in a boot to the head before the bell
rings. Back to work with 11:10 elapsed. Another stomp by Lesnar. Lesnar
really putting on the badmouth here. Stomp. Lesnar's putting his thumbs
in his chest. Another stomp. The pace has turned deliberate. Lesnar
motioning to the crowd that he's going to get another fall now. Lesnar
with an ANKLELOCK! AND ANGLE TAPS!! (12:07, Lesnar 2-1) Hebner manages
to get Lesnar to release the hold...and at 12:24, we take an ad break.
DURING THE BREAK, Lesnar tried an Angle slam (!) - but only got a 2 count
on it - tried again, another 2.
When we come back, Angle is firing back with rights - ducks a clothesline
off the ropes, but Lesnar buries a knee in the gut. I just described the
replays, and we come back to Lesnar trying a whip into the corner - and
connecting with a shoulder in the gut. Angle isn't leaving the corner.
Another shoulder in the gut. And one more. Lesnar with a headbutt that
looks like it hurts HIM just as much as Angle. Another headbutt. Stomp.
Stomp, stomp, stomp, stomp. Lesnar tells Hebner to get off his back.
Whip into the opposite corner, but Angle escapes and Lesnar shoulders the
post!! Angle tries to fire back - right, right, right, right, into the
ropes, reversed by Lesnar, Angle DUCKS the clothesline...and hits the
flying jalapeno off the ropes! Ducks another wild swing - and hits a
German suplex! Lesnar tries to grab the ropes but Angle pulls him away -
and hits the SECOND! Lesnar again grabs the ropes - AGAIN Angle pulls
Lesnar off the ropes and hits the THIRD! He released him after that one.
Angle tries to capitalise...but Lesnar pulls him through the ropes and
onto the floor! Lesnar staggers out after him. Hebner starts the count
as Lesnar grabs Angle and whips him into the aisle barricade. Hebner is
up to five...Lesnar back in...and back out. Back to Angle - but Angle is
back up - gutshot to Lesnar - right hand, right, right, Lesnar with a knee
in the gut, picks him up on his shoulders - F5 ON THE FLOOR!! Lesnar
struggles back to his feet...and into the ring at nine. For some reason,
THIS time Hebner *continues* his count and hits ten. (COR 19:55, Lesnar
3-1) Replay of the F5. Hebner is out to check on Angle...and with the
clock at 39:40, we take another ad break.
DURING THE BREAK, Lesnar ran into a belly-to-belly suplex...and Angle
immediately followed up with a SECOND
As UPN is home of the 3:30 ad break, the clock is at 36:07 when we return.
Angle is firing away on Lesnar, but by the time we are done watching
replays, Lesnar has reversed a whip and lets Angle run RIGHT into this
shoulderblock. Angle BOUNCES off him and heads outside. Angle is slow to
get back into the ring...ang Lesnar is waiting. Big right hand. Kick in
the gut. Stomp, stomp, standing on the neck. 25:00 down, 35:00 to go.
Lesnar drops an elbow. Another elbowdrop. Hooks the leg - 1, 2, no!
Lesnar with the right hand. Kick in the gut. Kick. Kick. Into the
opposite corner, Angle attempts a reversal, Lesnar attempts a clothesline,
ducked, gutshot by Angle, ANGLE SLAM!! Angle hooks the leg - 1, 2, 3!!
(25:54, Lesnar 3-2) Angle tries to suck it up in the corner as Cole tells
us UPN has granted the WWE permission to run over if the falls are tied at
the end of sixty minutes...that's gonna take some suspension of disbelief
from you and I because we KNOW that the syndicates aren't gonna take
kindly to pre-emption of THEIR local programming, but heck, let's roll
with it, why not. It's nice of them to think of an explanation for a
tie...and you know, this match DID start at 8:58 so there COULD be a (very
brief) overtime...anyway, this break was closer to thirty seconds but
Angle is back on Lesnar as soon as he hears the bell. Right hand by
Angle, right, right, forearm to the head, right, stomp, stomp, legdrop,
stomp. Angle picks him up - and there's a suplex. Hooks the leg, 1, 2,
no! Lesnar tries to beg off - it ain't happening. Angle stomps. Stomp,
stomp, stomp. Brings him to his feet - right hand. Another right.
Lesnar manages a knee to the gut, another knee, a third knee, Angle ducks
a clothesline and hits a German suplex. DOWN COME THE STRAPS!! Angle
waits on him - Angle slam attempt FAILS - Lesnar with a gutshot, going for
an F5!, Angle lands on his feet, single leg, ANKLELOCK!! Lesnar should
tap now and save himself for later...but instead he manages to roll
forward and throw Angle off - and almost into a crash landing on Hebner!
Lesnar tries to take advantage of the distraction with a lariat - Angle
ducks it - but Hebner DOESN'T!! Oh no....we got a ref down here. ANGLE
SLAM! Leg is hooked, but of course there's nobody to count but the crowd.
Crowd gives him a five count but that doesn't help either. Commentators
examine the replay and speculate as to whether Lesnar floored him on
purpose or not. Lesnar with an uppernut on Angle (ohhhhhhh) and that'll
turn the tide. That's two potential falls for Angle that won't show up on
the scoreboard. Lesnar leaves the ring...and yells until ring announcer
TONY CHIMEL runs away. Timekeeper MARK YEATON isn't as lucky - Lesnar
throws him across the floor and grabs the WWE Championship belt. We're at
the halfway mark as Lesnar CREAMS Angle with the title! Crowd boos
lustily as Lesnar paws at Hebner with his boot, then picks him up by his
belt and drags him over to count very slowly...1, 2, 3. (30:26, Lesnar
4-2) We take a replay...and an ad break.
"WrestleMania XIX" ad (again) - nice to see they found a use for all that
movie footage they shot, isn't it?
WrestleMania XX ad - plan on NOT getting tickets on the 27th!
In case you care, my clock and their clock seem to be off by one or two
seconds - still close enough for government work. Finally back, mine says
34:53 elapsed and their says 25:05 to go - Angle on the outside and Lesnar
on the inside...but Angle ankles Lesnar and brings him out! Right, right,
right, whip into the STEEL steps! Angle rolls in - and Hebner stops the
count. Angle ready to go out again - climbing up to the top (!) - and
hitting an AXEHANDLE FROM THE TOP ROPE TO THE FLOOR!! Lesnar rolled back
in - Angle hooks the leg - 1, 2, NO!! We take a replay of the axehandle
as Angle goes up top AGAIN - Lesnar makes it to his feet - Angle with a
MISSILE DROPKICK!!! Close to the ropes, but Angle pins the near arm while
hooking the leg - 1, 2, NO!!! Angle with a scoop...and a slam. He's
telling the crowd he's going to go up top one more time - and here he
goes! MOONSAULT!! - MISSES! ohhhhh Both men are down and Hebner starts
another count. Let's see him miss it again. Of course, a double countout
doesn't really change anything, but it DOES run up the score...looks like
Lesnar is up - both men are up at 7. Angle ducks the swing, schoolboy, 1,
2, no. Lesnar pops up with a clothesline...but both men are down again.
Lesnar's up first - belly-to-belly RELEASE and Angle SAILS across the
ring. Lesnar crawls over and hooks the leg - 1, 2, NO!! Lesnar's up at 2
- wants another belly-to-belly but Angle slips under the arm, counters,
drops down and grabs the anklelock again! But AGAIN Lesnar is able to
roll forward, this time throwing Angle through the ropes to the floor!
While Angle struggles to beat the ten count, we take another replay of the
anklelock counter. Well, Lesnar must think Angle's gonna make it because
he's out after him now - Kick in the ribs, and a HARD whip shoulder-first
into the STEEL steps. Angle rolled back in, Lesnar following, hooks the
leg, 1, 2, NO! Forty down, twenty to go. Lesnar leaves the ring and goes
for the top half of the backside steps - he wants to bring them into the
ring? But it's taking him too long - while he has them hoisted onto the
apron, Angle runs into a baseball slide dropkick to the steps that rams
Lesnar! Angle leaves the ring to follow up - Lesnar rolled back in, Angle
hooks the leg - 1, 2, no! 1, 2, nope. We take a replay of the dropkick
into the steps - one angle much more impressive than the other. Angle
with another stomp, stomp, kick in the gut, stands on the neck and HE
pulls on the ropes to accentuate it. Clock pops up again to remind us
that it's Lesnar 4, Angle 2 with 18:30 to go. Into the ropes,
shoulderblock by Angle, 1, 2, NO, and Cole says we *have* to take our last
ad break - noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
Unforgiven promo - Triple H vs. Goldberg - Sunday - is there ANY chance
it'll be better than THIS match? (maybe a teeny eentsy tiny one - MAYBE)
"The Rundown" ad (again)
During the Break, Lesnar hit a top-rope superplex and pinned Angle to go
up 5-2 - no idea what time that was
Coming back, their clock and mine are now off by TWENTY seconds - somebody
must have snuck an ad in somewhere! Coming out of the replay, their clock
says 14:00 remains. Angle is outside, Lesnar is outside, commentators are
deep into overdubs. Lesnar meets Angle at the commentary table and drives
hits a right. Head to the table. Both men are getting deep in the tank.
Lesnar wants the F5 into the ringpost - but Angle gets back to his feet,
posts *Lesnar* - grabs HIM on his shoudlers and ANGLE hits the F5 into the
ringpost!! Cole notes that Lesnar did that exact move to Angle months
agao (not to mention to Spanky and Zach Gowen) and he's FINALLY gotten a
taste of his own medicine. Angle breaks the count and heads back out to
work on Lesnar - stomps the injured knee, puts him back in the ring, grabs
the leg and applies a half crab - BRILLIANT! Lesnar has three falls on
him, he REALLY should consider giving one back just to stop the pain - but
Lesnar hasn't tapped yet, so why should it be any different now? Lesnar
crawls and reaches for the bottom rope - and gets it - but Angle switches
to the anklelock! This time Lesnar gets to the bottom rope...Angle's
taking his time releasing the hold, though, and Lesnar has to use his
other leg to get enough leverage to break it up himself. Angle back on
him, stomping on the knee. Another shot to the targeted body part.
Lesnar manages a right hand. Angle runs back at him...and runs RIGHT into
an F5. Both men are down. Lesnar tries to crawl over for a cover - hooks
the leg - 1, 2, Angle kicks out! Lesnar slowly gets to his feet...and
goes outside to the apron...and climbs up to the top. What is he
thinking? All that can happen here is Angle can pop up, climb up the
corner and superplex him...sure enough, Angle pops up, stairsteps up the
ropes, grabs Lesnar and delivers the top rope superplex! Cover - 1, 2, 3!
(50:28, Lesnar 5-3) The clock reappears on the screen saying "9:51" and
it's gonna stay there for the rest of this match. *This* time the fifteen
seconds is pretty close to fifteen seconds...but nobody's moving. Hebner
starts a ten count, for what it's worth. At six, Lesnar makes it to his
knees - Angle as well. Hebner stops after seven as they both slowly make
it to their feet - Angle rares back and throws a right hand. Lesnar takes
it and answers with one of his own. Angle with a right. Lesnar with a
right. Angle. Angle. Angle, Angle, Angle, ANGLE, ANGLE, ANGLE, ANGLE,
backed Lesnar into the corner, right, right, right, right, right, forearm
in the back. Angle steps back to the center and tries to catch his
breath. Crowd tries a "USA" chant. Angle brings Lesnar to his feet -
suplex! Angle puts his straps back up...and DOWN COME THE STRAPS! Angle
is HOPPIN' - going for the Angle slam - but NO - Lesnar shoves Angle into
the ropes, gutshot, DDT!!!! Leg is hooked - 1, 2, NO!! Angle kicked out!
Lesnar DARES Angle to get up - but Angle strikes back with a right, right,
right, Lesnar ducks the next one, grabs the waistlock and hits the German
suplex! Lesnar grabs him again - ANOTHER German suplex! Cole says Lesnar
can start to think about just milking the clock. Lesnar grabs the
waistlock for the third time - and AGAIN gives Angle another released
German suplex! Both men are down now, and staying down. Hebner gets to
five before Lesnar grabs Angle...AGAIN going to the waistlock, but THIS
time Angle laces the leg to block. Angle with a standing switch - ANGLE
with a German suplex! Angle is first back on his feet - got the waistlock
and it's ANOTHER German suplex! Angle looks like HE wants to go for the
trifecta - Lesnar manages to block THAT one, standing switch, but Angle
drops down, rolls him up and ends up grabbing the anklelock!! Brock tries
to reach for a rope but Angle will only let him circle without getting any
closer. Brock's been in the anklelock a good thirty seconds now but won't
tap. And now Lesnar FINALLY manages to inch to the bottom rope - he DOES
grab it but Angle pulls him back to the centre - Hebner DOESN'T call for
the break - and for the first time in this match, LESNAR TAPS!! (56:11,
Lesnar 5-4) We're down to four minutes left in the match and Cole again
reminds us that UPN has cleared overtime if necessary. The bell rings to
end the rest period and the clock on the screen says 3:41 remains. Angle
back to his feet - and AGAIN puts on the ankle lock! THIS time, Lesnar
manages to roll forward and Angle ends up landing on the second rope,
bouncing back into the ring. Angle's up first - maybe Lesnar CAN'T get
up. Three minutes to go. Lesnar desperately shifts his body so Angle
can't put on the anklelock again - but Angle manages to grapevine the leg
- Tazz says Angle is going for a "freestyle bow and arrow," which I've
never heard of, but I'm not gonna argue with him. Angle grabs the
headlock and still has the leg grapevined. But time is rapidly running
out - I don't know if this is a good idea. Lesnar manages a shot to the
head to break it up. Lesnar rolls out of the ring - Angle is hot on his
trail. Angle picks him up - Lesnar's dead weight. Angle stomps. Angle
with an anklelock on the outside! This is a BAD idea. Angle puts Lesnar
back in the ring. Lesnar rolls out! Ninety seconds to go! Angle puts
Lesnar's head into the STEEL steps. Lesnar put back in the ring - Lesnar
swings and Angle ducks - Angle with a German suplex! He's holding on -
ANOTHER German suplex! ONE MINUTE TO GO! Angle wants the third German
suplex - and he gets it! He's got to get another fall to tie it up - a
FOURTH German suplex! FORTY SECONDS! Lesnar's grabbing Hebner's belt -
and as he pulls Hebner close, his trick knee acts up and Angle goes DOWN
to the unseen low blow!! TWENTY seconds to go and Angle is down. Lesnar
shouldn't go anywhere NEAR him but he does - and sure enough, Angle grabs
the anklelock one more time, and adds a leg scissors to boot!! Can he
hold on ten more seconds? How bad does he want the championship?
3...2...1....HE HELD ON. Cole: "Damn it! Damn it! Time has run out on
Kurt Angle!" Brock Lesnar, 5....Kurt Angle, 4. Ladies and gentlemen, we
have a new WWE Champion. Cole: "Brock Lesnar came into this matchup with
one gameplan - to CHEAT his way to the WWE title. And that last low blow
with less than a minute to go was the exclamation point. ... Brock Lesnar
had no intention of playing the game of 'who's the better athlete' here
tonight - Brock Lesnar never wanted to play that game! Brock Lesnar
wanted to cheat his way to the WWE title - Brock Lesnar did that here
tonight!" We go out with two shots of exhausted competitors - one,
defeated and distraught...the other, with a belt in his lap and laughing.
Oh yeah, the THIRD reason I did this was to remind you that my wedding is
in fifteen days. Hit CRZ.net if you're
feeling generous! Thanks!