I GET LETTERS: Rantsylvania.com's opening day did 10,000 hits, btw, so
hopefully this will fill the gaping void left by Rick and Mike's selling
out and make me some money to boot. - Name Withheld
Geez, and they used to call ME subversive.
YOU'RE WATCHING UPN!!!!!!!!!
One World Leader Attitude - TV-14-DLV - WWF!
"Earlier Today" footage shows the WWF officiating corp picketing in front
of the Thomas & Mack Center. THE REFS ARE ON STRIKE!
Opening Credits - and Closed Captioned symbol
It's SMACKDOWN! FIREWORKS and it's 16.9.99 - we are on tape (14.9.99) from
the Thomas & Mack Center in Lost Wages, NV and EVERYBODY brought a sign!
Can we have matches tonight with no refs? And how different would it be
from normal, har har?
The sound of breaking glass signals that the personification of sports
entertainment, (well, that's what HE said) STONE COLD STEVE AUSTIN, makes
his way to the ring. We are reminded that Austin blew his title shot on
Monday by forcing a DQ by using the chair one too many times. "Triple H,
just because I got disqualified this past Monday on RAW don't mean that
you're through with Stone Cold Steve Austin - ah no, not by a long shot!
When I came to this ring I came to beat your ass, and that's exactly what
I did. The fact that Earl Hebner got his lights punched out is just too
bad, because he was in the wrong place at the wrong time, and that's all I
got to say about that. You know, Triple H, at SummerSlam when you took
that steel chair and you beat my legs, hell son, you shoulda kept on
beating because you didn't get the job done. you should have bashed my
brains in, because as long as I'm walking, your little ass is in these
crosshairs, and I will hunt you down like the jackass that you are, open
up a can of whoop-ass and serve it to you right in front of the whole damn
world! So tonight I say this: we can either do things the easy way, or we
can do things the hard way - it really don't matter to me - but this is
how it will go. You can come out here, and you can give me my rematch for
the World Wrestling Federation title, right here tonight on SmackDown!,
and not an ordinary match - a No Holds Barred match, you little (beep), OR
... if you want to do things the hard way, which is just fine and dandy
with Stone Cold Steve Austin, you will be carted out of this building in a
body bag, and that's all I got to say about that!" Everyone's favourite
theme fires up and TRIPLE H walks out, along with THAT SLUT CHYNA and LOTS
OF RENTED COPS. Apparently, we learned earlier this week on wwf.com (you mean you DON'T visit it?) that
Unforgiven's main event will pit six men in a "six pack challenge" for the
WWF title. "Austin, it goes like this - you ain't gettin' jack, Jack!
Because as far as I'm concerned, Monday night you blew your opportunity,
so now you can kiss my ass! Now I've been ordered to defend the WWF
Championship tonight..." "I don't know how good your hearing is, but you
got about fifteen thousand people calling you an ass(beep)!" "Like I give
a crap about any of them. You can all kiss my ass as far as I'm
concerned. Austin, it goes like this, I am gonna defend the WWF title
tonight, and I'm gonna defend it against a main event competitor of my
choice, but it ain't gonna be you. But it will be somebody that you've
shared that very ring with. And Austin, that is as CLOSE as you will ever
get to this again. And that IS the name of the game." Austin promises to
follow Triple H all night - before the night's over, Austin 3:16 will be
up his ass. And that's the bwah ha ha, 'cause Stone Cold swah ha.
At Unforgiven, the "6 Pack Challenge" will have the Big Show, Undertaker,
Kane, Triple H, Rock and Mankind - this match was announced because we
STILL don't have a #1 contender. Let Us Take You Back to "RAW is WAR" and
show the carnage (official-wise) in the #1 Contender's match that never
got finished. Your hosts are a pair of kings, MICHAEL KING COLE and JERRY
LAWLER. Tonight on SmackDown!, a five man Royal Rumble, Ken Shamrock
takes on Curtis Hughes, and Big Bossman takes on Al Snow in a ... "Pepper
on a Pole" match?
You THINK it's ad break time, but oh no - here's SKIPPY walking out to "No
Chance in Hell." We take a quick look in the audience where CINDY
MARGOLIS is fluffing up her cleavage. "This is directed to one
individual, and that happens to be Joey Abs. Joey, you and I, Rodney,
Pete "Gas," we go back a long, long time - we've been friends for a while.
But this is not about friendship; this is all about my sister Stephanie's
happiness. And I asked you as nicely as possible to stay out of it. So,
Joey Abs, I'm not asking ya, I'm tellin' ya, come down here right now,
because we're gonna settle this, right now, and I'm gonna show ya what
brotherly love is all about." The MEAN STREET POSSE (and Terri) come out
and I guess it's on.
JOEY ABS (with Rodney & Pete "Gas" & Terri) v. SKIPPY - On the outside,
the posse touches knuckles - but Shane hits a TOPE SUICIDA!! taking out
all three men. Yowza! Pete and Rodney taken out with punches, Abs put in
the ring. Clothesline from Shane - second rope elbowdrop. We look
backstage as Stephanie and Test watch on a monitor. Rodney and Pete get
in the ring and the doubleteam is on. No referee out here. Abs pushes
off Rodney and Pete, saying he wants to take care of this one himself.
Abs wailing away. GERALD BRISCO comes out with zebra stripes on. Abs
argues - Shane sneaks an inside cradle for 2. Abs up and back on him,
stomping away - here's a vertical suplex. Cover - 1, 2, no. Pretty slow
count from Brisco - bias? Off the ropes, Shane with a leapfrog and a back
elbow. 1, 2, Pete pulls Brisco outside. They're trading punches! Inside
the ring, Rodney's in and there's a clothesline. Kneelift - to the
corner, knee, punch, holding him for Abs - of course Shane ducks the
clothesline and Rodney feels it. Abs blocks a punch and hits one
of his own. Shane hits a Golota to turn the tide. Pete is having little
trouble with Brisco but PAT PATTERSON is out with a ref's shirt on. Shane
tries a small package and Patterson counts - 1, 2...Rodney pulls
*Patterson* out. No wonder the refs are on strike. Back in the ring,
Shane blocks and hits some knees. There's the Super Shane Spear, which
I'm already tired of, by the way. Shane to the top rope - Shane manages
his corkscrew somersault plancha despite slipping (probably landing wrong
on Abs in the process) - another ref is out - it's SHAWN STASIAK! 1, 2,
3! Shane never loses, by the way. (3:32) STEPHANIE McMAHON is out to
embrace her brother. We see TEST at the top of the ramp, looking on...and
smiling. Shane motions to Abs - and Stephanie winds up and delivers a
field goal kick.
Here's another look at Cindy Margolis - I dare you to NOT think "Shasta
Backstage, we see Ivory checking out Margolis on the monitor - grabbing
her title belt and leaving the room...
WWF SmackDown! is brought to you by Nintendo 64 and SNICKERS!
Here's a looksee at the Vegas Strip - and over HERE is the Thomas & Mack
IVORY makes her way to the ring. Looks like she's ditched the scarf,
FINALLY, THANK GOD, looks like it's part of the pin she's wearing. "You
know, one of the nicest things about being the WWF Women's Champion is
that I get to meet so many very important people - athletes, politicans -
my favourite, though, are...the MOVIE STARS! YES! And I think, people,
here tonight, we have a very bright, shining star amongst us tonight.
Cindy Margolis, please, will you stand up for the people? Is she not
beautiful?" Lawler: "Yes, they are beautiful!" "Cindy, would you do me
the honour of joining me in the ring? Oh, please, Cindy, please - please,
Cindy, I'm your biggest fan! Oh, come on folks! Let's get Cindy in the
ring!" You know, you can see in Ivory's eyes that something devious is
happening. "Isn't she the best? ... Oh, it's so great to meet you - she
is more beaufitul up close, people. Cindy, the accolades - 'Suddenly
Susan' this Monday - you and Brooke! Oh! Taping together...and right
here on UPN, 'Shasta McNasty,' a new show...oh my gosh. You just must be
- Cindy. www.cindymargolis.com
- I mean, you are not just a movie star,
you are like the most downloaded woman on the planet or something! Now,
Cindy, could you do me a favour? Could you show me one of those striking
poses that you - that you show people on the Internet right here?" She's
a little shy, apparently. Ha. "Oh please, Cindy, please, Cindy. Could
you just lay down on the mat and maybe do like one of those bikini poses?"
Again she says no, thanks her and tries to leave. Ivory grabs her elbow
and pulls her back. "I mean: Lay down and strike the pose before I have
to lay you down myself, b(beep)ch!" Cindy complies. "Oh, it's beautiful,
isn't it?" But JEDOUBLEF JADOUBLEREDOUBLET runs out to the ring and
*slaps the figure four on Cindy Margolis!* Cindy's cleavage sells like a
champ. Jarrett asks her to go tell Chyna that this is a man's man's man's
man's world. High ten for Ivory - umm, Ivory's a WOMAN, Jeff. Whoops,
spoke too soon. Jarrett SPEARS Ivory! There's a figure four for Ivory.
I'm kinda cheering for that - that's pretty funny.
Remember when SUNNY was the most downloaded personality on AOL? Whatever
happened to her, anyway? (That was rhetorical. DO NOT MAIL ME WITH AN
LILIAN GARCIA asks Triple H who he's gonna challenge for the title.
Triple H says it WON'T be Austin (isn't he right behind that curtain back
there?) and that Austin actually better worry that HE doesn't go looking
SEXUAL CHOCKLIT MIZARK HENRY v. STEVE BLACKMAN (with Riggs & Murtaugh) for
the European championship - Let Us Take You Back to Last Monday and show
you how Henry failed Blackman in a tag team contest, leading to tonight's
challenge. Blackman is Mr. Intensity. TONY GAREA wears the stripes as
Blackman kicks away at Henry. Whip off the ropes, reversal, Blackman
kicks and Henry goes outside. Blackman on the stairs, there's a flying
clothesline on the outside! Another stomp. Henry taken back into the
ring and Blackman follows. Henry manages to punch while Blackman's on the
apron - trading blows - BALD VENIS is out - there's a (alleged) Golota
with a kendo stick - there's a (more convincing) shot in the head. Henry
covers and Garea counts - 1, 2, 3. (1:05) D'LO BROWN runs into the ring
post-match and peppers Henry with punches - whip is reversed - Brown gets
free and hits Sky-Hi on Henry! Henry takes his leave. At Unforgiven,
these two meet for the Euro title while Blackman and Venis match up...
In the back, we see Cindy Margolis being attended to by the EMT's. Jeff
Jarrett appears nearby and tells her to download THIS. Test walks
by and tells him to cool it, and the next thing you know, they're trading
punches at the side of the ambulance! Let's take a five minute ad break!
TERRY TAYLOR tries to talk to Jeff Jarrett. Jarrett says dumb blondes
come a dime a dozen in Vegas - speaking of dumb blondes, he's challenging
Test later tonight. When he's done with him, his bride-to-be won't even
recognise him. Hmmm, it's not like Jarrett to wrestle a MAN...
CHRIS THURSDAY JERICHO makes his entrance. CURTIS HUGHES stands at the
bottom of the ramp smiling upside-down. Mr. Hughes now wears a sparkly
vest. "I am one bad mamma jamma! And ladies and gentlemen, I have
tremendous news. Ken Shamrock has finally admitted defeat - yes, that's
right, just moments ago backstage, he admitted that *I*, not he, am the
World's Most Dangerous Man, and that I am much tougher than he is - thank
you - he then proceeded to get down on his hands and knees and BEG me to
make sure that we never, eeeeeeever, met face to face agayn - and I
agreed. And he also licked the dust off my boots in gratitude for me
hiring this man (Curtis) to protect me from tearing him apart limb from
limb. And it's for that reason that I have allowed Curtis to take my
place in this match tonight - thank you - and not only did I do that, but
I also scoured the streets of this city to find a referee who was
qualified enough to work in this match - and I've found that and so much
more - ladies and gentlemen, may I present to you, one of the greatest
international officials of all time. A man who is so respected and
revered that he is forced to wear a mask as to not be mobbed on the
streets by his adoring fans. I present to you the great Mexican official
- you're gonna love this - Senor Manuel Garcia Lopez, or as we know him
better, El Dopo!" EL DOPE-O runs to the ring in stripes and green mask
and I whimper inside as the theme to "Los SuperAstros" plays over the PA.
Cole: "Looks like El Gordo to me!"
CURTIS HUGHES v. KEN SHAMROCK - Shamrock with a double leg takedown to
start, stomping away while Jericho takes the third headset. Shamrock with
knees. Sharmrock with right hands...finally some offense for Hughes as he
dumps Shmrock over the top rope, and follows. Dropping him on the
barricade. Stomp, stomp, stomp. Jericho is awesome on commentary, by the
way. Whip is reversed, Hughes puts on the brakes, Shamrock ducks and hits
a right. There's a big stomp. Now Hughes' shoulder DOES hit the STEEL
post. And now Hughes hits the STEEL steps. Head to the steps. Jericho
sees himself being stalked, and beats a retreat. Chase around the ring -
Hughes hits a blind clothesline. Now a doubleteam is on - the ref
apparently happy to let it go on. Big cable choke. Shamrock and Hughes
back in the ring and Jericho back on headset. Scoop - and a slam.
Elbowdrop from Hughes for 1. Off the ropes, head down, Sunset flip from
Shamrock - into the anklelock - Hughes grabs the ropes - suddnely the ref
calls for the bell (DQ 2:55), announcing that Shamrock didn't break the
hold in a timely fashion, and Hughes is the winner. Well, I THINK that's
what he said - I don't speak Spanish. Shamrock, suitably angered, unmasks
the ref to reveal - ready - HOWARD FINKEL. Hey, we saw him in that mask
last week, didn't we? All the pieces fall into place! Anyway, that
didn't REALLY sound like proper Spanish. Ha! Shamrock kicks Finkel to
the mat but fails to do anything more lethal.
Lilian Garcia interviews Mankind, who has a real hero worship thing going
towards the Rock. There's an "inexplicable" bond between he and the Rock.
He hopes that Helmsley's challenge tonight is against not himself, but the
Rock - that way he can stand at ringside, root on his partner, and find
new material to steal. "Know your role! Hey, kid! Shut your mouth!" I
think Mankind's the only person to not dis Lilian in some way during their
interview, in case you cared. You didn't? Fair 'nuff.
You think SmackDown! is great? Boy, just you wait for "Shasta McNasty!"
TWO WEEKS AWAY!
"WWF Attitude" ad
Are you ready for television's most incredible sporting event? Well,
would you settle for "Battlezone?" Sunday at 2pm on KHBK! Check your
local listings for an affiliate in YOUR area! (Or watch football like
And now, the WWF Boot of the Week - sponsored by Lugz. From RAW last
Monday, WWF referees take abuse...no doubt the mitigating factor
Outside the Thomas & Mack Center, more "Earlier Today" footage shows the
FIVE MAN ROYAL RUMBLE - seems a little early to have this match, doesn't
it? LA ROCA draws first entrance. "Finally, the Rock has come BACK to
Las Vegas! Undertaker, Mankind, Kane, and the Big Show. The Rock says
you all four jabrones can go right down to the Tropicana hotel, it's right
up the road... you find the absolute best slot machine you can find, you
can't miss it - it's got a big Brahma bull on the front and it says 'the
People's slot machine.' And then, one of you jabrones pulls the handles.
And there it is - one brahma bull - two brahma bulls - three brahma bulls
- you jabrones hit the jackpot. And then all of a sudden, you're jumping
around like a bunch of idiots... Undertaker, with his Mickey Mouse tattoos
and his 33-pound head - jumping around, screaming like a girl -
eheheheheheh ehehehehe - and then all of a sudden, Kane, running around
doing cartwheels, scaring everyone in the casino... 'I won, I won, let's
par-tee.' And the biggest goof of them all, the Big Slow, sits there
scaring all the Rock's fans - ahhhhuhhhauuhhu ahuuhhuhhuhhahhohhah ... and
then the doors open and the Rock arrives. And as the Rock looks at all
four of you jabrones with tears rolling down your cheeks and (beep)ss
running down your legs... The Rock says he's gonna gather up all the gold
coins you guys won... and in front of the millions - of Rock fans, he's
gonna shine all the gold coins up - shine all the gold coins up, turn them
sum(beep) sideways, and stick 'em straight up your candyass! If ya
smellllllllllll...what the Rock...is cookin'." WELL IT'S A BIG SHOW draws
number two, after ALLLLLLL this is FINALLY said and done. Backstage, we
take a look at Triple H, Chyna and the cops. Then we take an ad break???
Damn, it must take Show a lot longer to get to the ring than I thought!
Maybe he IS the Big Slow!
Once again we see Triple H and Chyna and the Cops - and once again, far
off in the back we see Austin sticking his head out and peeking at them.
Those rent-a-cops don't exactly have eyes in the backs of their heads, do
they? Maybe they shouldn't all have THEIR BACKS TO HIM. Oh well - you
probably didn't even see Austin this time. It's kinda like "Where's
Waldo?" level difficulty.
"Public Service Announcement" from the WWF and UPN - violence, don't play
Shasta McNasty takes a half hour away from SmackDown! in two weeks!
You're (apparently still) watching UPN!
TV-14-DLV ratings box appears. Rock punches away first.
Apparently, someone will enter every minute. Show stops a head to the
buckle and smashes Rock's head instead. Choke on the second rope. JIM
DOTSON wears the stripes outside the ring (of course, sleeveless to show
off his biceps). Also, a guy looking like timekeeper MARK EATON prowls
the ringside area in the zebra suit. The clock counts down and MANKIND is
out. There's a clubbing forearm to stop the attack on the Rock. Mankind
punching away - now Rock joining him. Rock whips Show - gutshot from the
Rock - kneelift from Mankind - double clothesline - wow, they ARE working
as a team. Thumbs up from the Rock to Mankind - I'm saddened that he
doesn't turn on him here since it seemed so obvious. Clock counts down
and THROUGH HELL FIRE AND BRIMSTONE IT'S KANE. Rock meets him and they
trade punches - meanwhile, Big Show has gained the upperhand on Mankind.
Off the ropes, Rock ducks and punches away - Kane puts up a big boot to
prevent a clothesline over the top rope, however. Big Show trying to get
Mankind over....nope. The clock counts down and who's left? THE
UNDERTAKER. He's the baddest biker on the planet - but what's with the
geeky glasses? Big Show dropping an elbow on the knee. Undertaker fails
to get in the ring - instead stalking over to the commentary position. We
get a good look at his Harley Davidson bandana. DDT from the Rock on
Kane. Big Show with a clotheseline on Rock. Chokehold on Mankind - but
Rock hits a Golotta. Undertaker says that now that Kane is no longer
saddled with "the toothpick," he's on his way to becoming a killer. Kane
with a shot - and now on Mankind. Whip into the corner - Mankind puts up
a boot - Rock spins him around - now Kane is a pinball between Rock and
Mankind. Rock whips Mankind into Kane - clothesline to take him over.
Rock then throws Mankind out - ha. Rock turns around and runs into
ahhhhhhhtheCHOKESLAAAAM. Undertaker tells us that Rock is "phony tough
and crazy brave." Big Show tosses Rock - who holds onto the rope and
slides back in - Rock trying to toss Big Show - Undertaker, proving the "I
am the power," gets in the ring and calmly pushes BOTH men over the top
rope. (6:21) Big Show gets back in the ring, rather perturbed - MIDAEOIN
& VISCERA enter the ring and stand in front of the Undertaker. But before
anything REALLY happens here, the Rock is back in with a chair - Midian
and Viscera go down, but Big Show kicks the chair and Rock goes down.
Tripleteam culminates in a Viscera splash. Rock is left laying as
Undertaker tries to make sure Big Show is learning. Eewwwww, why's he
DROOLING so much?
Backstage, the Hollys are WALKING! Crash is already starting to giggle -
that can't be good.
Ewww! Jaleel White is SCAAAAARY!
SmackDown! is brought to you by Castrol Motor Oily, Burger King, and Milky
The HOLLYS (and their scale) make it to the ring. Hardcore tells Chyna
her time is up - where's her tag team partner? THAT SLUT CHYNA has a new
video - but still has Triple H's crappy music. She appears to be
alone. Holly asks where her partner is - she says she'll be happy to take
them on alone.
CRASH & HARDCORE HOLLY v. THAT SLUT CHYNA in a Handicap match - Crash
starts - Chyna ducks and pastes him with a right. Hardcore demands the
tag - and Hardcore gets the tag. Lockup, arm wringer by Crash - she
punches to break it - off the ropes, back elbow by Chyna. Crash in to
check on him - double Golota! Referee is former referee and current road
agent "Blind" Dave Hebner, we note. KING ASS slides out and I guess *he*
will be Chyna's partner. Crash hits a clothesline. Tag to Hardcore.
Suplex. Hardcore turns to Ass - and is distracted long enough to taste a
gutshot and DDT from Chyna. Chyna ducks a clothesline, but gets too close
to Ass, who tags himself in and IS A HOUSE ON FIRE! Much to Chyna's
dismay, Gunn easily runs through both Hollys and hits the Fame'Asser on
Crash for the pin (3:15). Chyna argues with Ass, but JEDOUBLEF
JADOUBLEREDOUBLET is out to WHACK her with a frying pan. DE-BRA & KITTY
come out with a bag, and reveal that inside is an apron and a soup ladle.
Jarrett puts the apron on Chyna, the frying pan in one hand and the ladle
in the other. "Chyna - you've got the frying pan in one hand, the soup
ladle in the other hand, and your cooking apron on - there's only one
thing left to do - and that's get your ass in the kitchen and start fixin'
my supper!" How can ANYONE hate this angle? This is pro wrestling - it's
SUPPOSED to be tasteless! That's what makes it so funny!
Lilian Garcia is backstage with Big Bossman, who holds a bag (helpfully
marked "Doggie Bag") containing the last of the deep-friend remains of
Pepper. "Pepper on a pole" match coming up - ugh
Another look at your helpful hosts
BIG BOSS MAN v. AL SNOW in a Pepper on a Pole match - your referee is
Sergeant Slaughter. Snow rushes the ring and punches and stomps. Before
he can climb the pole, Bossman pops back up and punches away. Off the
ropes, clothesline is ducked, Snow grabs the arms and headbutts away. Off
the ropes - big back body drop. Snow climbs the ropes - Bossman tries to
stop him but gets a boot to the face - Snow decides to try a crossbody,
but Bossman catches him and there's a slam. Bossman goes for the
nightstick, which I guess is legal in this match. There's a shot to the
gut. Bossman climbs the corner - but before he can grab the Doggie Bag,
BRITISH BULLDOG leads the ROTTWEILERS out to where Bossman is. Bossman
takes the Doggie Bag and tosses it out to the floor. Snow...goes outside,
grabs it and wins? Whatever. (2:27) I doubt it matters either way.
Bossman is chased out over the barricade by the dogs. Snow is reunited
with the final remains of Pepper, which can't be too fresh at this point
of things. These guys have a "Kennel from Hell" match at Unforgiven -
boy, I could see these guys wrestle HUNDREDS of times - no, wait, I HAVE
We get another shot of Triple H and Chyna, and the cops. THIS time, when
we see Austin lurking in the background, the camera picks it up and zooms
in on him...and even the commentators figure it out. We just moved from
"Where's Waldo?" to "Blue's Clues," I think.
Boy, I sure could go for another "Shasta McNasty" ad - ahhhh, THERE it is.
Remember, SmackDown! can do for THIS show what Monday Night RAW did for
The Smack of the Night is brought to you by Duke Nukem Zero Hour! It's
Jarrett putting a figure four on Cindy Margolis' cleavage!
JEDOUBLEF JADOUBLEREDOUBLET (with De-Bra & Miss Kitty) v. TEST for
the Intercontinental championship - Test rushes the ring - he's in such a
hurry he slides under the bottom rope instead of reminding us how much
like Diesel he can be by straddling the top rope! It doesn't help,
however, as Jarrett gets the upper hand with punches. head to the buckle.
Off the rope, reversal, big boot. There's a spinning sidewalk slam.
Waistlock into a powerbomb. TERRI, PETE "GAS" and RODNEY walk to the ring
- Test is distracted and Jarrett strikes. Jarrett has a pretty sweet
dropkick, you know. Jarrett threatens ersatz referee Mark Eaton (which,
when Cole says it, sounds like "Yeighton," so God knows if I'm even CLOSE
to spelling it right.) Head to the buckle - whip into the opposite corner
is reversed, but Jarrett throws up an elbow - clothesline from the second
rope hits. Off the ropes, reversed, powerslam by Test. STEPHANIE McMAHON
is out, pulling Rodney off the apron. Meanwhile, Test and Jarrett
fighting on the outside. Now SKIPPY is out and there's a clothesline for
Rodney. Pete is over to help out. Now PAT PATTERSON, GERRY BRISCO &
SHAWN STASIAK are out to help on the other side ... the ref gives up and
calls for the bell (no contest? 2:32) while the ring fills up. Crowd
ignores all this and chants "We want puppies." Well, you all suck.
Jarrett, from the second rope, hits a tornado armbar takedown that
obviously "pulled his shoulder out of place!" Well, that's what HE said,
anyway. Stephanie comes into the ring to check on her fiancee - whoa!
Jarrett's gonna put Stephanie in the figure four! Oh, no, Shane's gonna
hit another spear instead. Bah. Shane's getting too many of those
chances...I said this already, didn't I. Okay.
Triple H, Chyna and the cops are ... yes! WALKING! I didn't find Austin
"Public Service Announcement" - hey, what are the kids doing up at 2138,
Magic: the Gathering presents WWF Unforgiven - a week from Sunday!
Oh boy! TRIPLE H & THAT SLUT CHYNA & LOTSA COPS are out! We cut
backstage to see Stephanie and Test leaving the building - Test holding
his shoulder. "Now before I'm forced to defend my WWF Championship - I
have at least been given the right to choose the referee of my choice. So
I have gone to the trouble of finding somebody with a vested interest in
this - somebody who will call it right down the middle - Shane McMahon, if
you'd do me the honours - Shane, I know you're back there - please come
out here and be my referee." We look in the back as Linda, Vince and
Shane sit - hey, Vince shouldn't be in that shot! Both parents aren't
sure about Shane going through with this, but he's up for it apparently.
The camera follows him all the way out, like he was a wrestler or
somethin'. Now here's SKIPPY come out to "No Chance in Hell." They slap
hands. "Now, there are numerous superstars here in the World Wrestling
Federation that could be considered for a title shot tonight - gentlemen
such as the Undertaker. Well 'taker, as much as you and I would like to
rip each other's hearts out, I'm gonna beat you to the punch and do it for
ya... it's not you. Or the Big Show! I've bashed his peabrain in with a
sledgehammer already - what else more could I do? You're out. Kane - you
know with the divorce of you and X-Pac and all I'd hate to put you through
the misery of beatin' your red retard ass again - I'll take a pass on you,
too. Mankind...go play with your sock! Let me see, who does that leave.
Oh yeah, the People's Ass. Well Rock, you seem to have some sort of
fascination with inserting things into people's rectums, so I'm gonna let
you get real close to mine. Kiss my ass, Rock, it's not you! No, this
person is somebody special. This is an individual who is playing in a
game that he wants NO part of. This is an individual who wants to be a
hero. (It's Bret Hart?) An individual who has taken it upon
himself to come into this very ring and try to steal MY glory - MY
thunder! And this is an individual with b(beep)s the size of grapefruits.
Vince...you wanna be a hero, jack? You wanna be a hero to your old lady?
You wanna be a star? You wanna be somebody? Well, I'm gonna give you a
chance to be her hero, Vince - I'm gonna give you a chance to be her
champion. Because I've had enough, and the fact of the matter is...I will
put THIS on the line, to get a piece of your ass! What do you say, old
man?" On the EntertainmentTron, we take a look at Vince and Linda. "Come
on, Vince, I know she's waitin' next to ya, she's looking atcha 'please be
my hero, Vince, please?' What are ya, chicken(mute) Vince? Come on!
I'll pull your punk card, Vince - it's down to the ground! You got
(beep)? Bring it! How about you, Linda? You might not be able to handle
the game, but I'll at least let you ride my bench. That's it - that's it!
Take a deep breath, suck 'em in one time, and make the walk." The camera
follows Vince as he makes the long walk to the entryway. Who does he
think he is, Shane? Meanwhile, Shane and Triple H share a few words in
the ring - and now VINCENT K. appears, mic in hand, and walks down to the
ring. Shane parts the ropes for his father. "Let's go to the back and
discuss this like business people, all right?" "No, I am done talking to
you. The talking is over - it's go time. You and me, right now."
"Listen, last Monday was personal, but I gave my word I would not
interfere in WWF business - you're talking this WWF Championship match and
all of this crap - that's business. I will have nothing to do with that -
but I do warn you, don't make this TOO personal." "What's the matter, you
haven't got the b(beep)s? What happened to the man with b(beep)s the size
of grapefruits, Vince? What happened to 'em? I am calling you out."
Vince snarls, "NO." "Yeah, that's it. You go in the back and you hide
behind your skirt. Go ahead, go hide behind your skirt. But you tell
your sexually frustrated wife that if you can't get the job done, Triple H
can keep it up all night for her.." Vince rushes him, and ... it's on?
TRIPLE H (with That Slut Chyna) v. VINCENT K. for the WWF Championship -
Triple H quickly gains the upper hand on the 54-year old McMahon - as he
should. Not much to note - lotsa stomping and punching. Shane openly
cheering for his father but it ain't helping. Triple H choking him, Shane
putting on the count and forcing a break after 5. Shane and Triple H
arguing in the ring, while Chyna gets in a cheap shot. Now Vince fighting
back - punch, punch, Golota! But that's all he's got - both men down in
the ring. Shane trying to roust Vince - both men up, Triple H punches and
Vince goes down again. Back to the stomping. Now outside the ring he
goes. Triple H goes outside, grabs a cable, and chokes away. Shane
extends the 5 count to 9 for some odd reason. Right hand takes Vince onto
the commentary table. Punching away. Triple H on the barricade -
elbowdrop on Vince! Of COURSE it breaks the table, need you ask? Triple
H stands on Vince's neck. Triple H throws him back in the ring. Cole
says "heinous." Chyna hands a chair to Triple H - Shane stands in the way
- Triple H pushes him away - WHACK! on Vince. Shane does one of those
spears I'm really tired of - now Chyna is in to turn the tide. Doubleteam
on Shane. Basically, that was to distract us from Vince blading himself -
four star crimson mask on Vince! LINDA McMAHON walks out - PAT PATTERSON
& GERRY BRISCO trying to keep her from ringside, but she won't be stopped.
The Stooges climb in the ring, but are no match for Triple H & Chyna.
Linda in the ring - bad idea. Chyna holds her while Triple H shows off
his handiwork on Vince, beating him into a bloody pulp. Linda actually
approaching acting here! Triple H with the gutshot and setup for the
Pedigree - but the sound of breaking glass brings STONE COLD STEVE AUSTIN
into the ring from the crowd. There's a Stunner for Chyna - there's one
for Triple H. Austin looks at McMahon - then places him on top of Triple
H. He rousts Shane - who counts - 1, 2, 3!! (8:55) The cops FINALLY come
to ringside but Austin's off. Ladies and gentlemen... we have a NEW World
Wrestling Federation champion.
You know, now that you've actually SEEN it, maybe you could stop bitching
about a non-wrestler holding the championship. Yeah, it wasn't wrestling.
But it WAS a pretty good story. And aren't the best matches the ones that
tell a story? Besides, it wasn't VINCE putting on that Stunner, it was
Austin - and that's the way it SHOULD have been done. Man, I would have
bitched if it was Vince using the Stunner.
Anyway, I think we can all speculate that Vince will probably give up the
title and put it up for grabs in the 6 Pack Challenge - and if that
actually HAPPENS, then who CAN'T be interested in that match? Geez, it's
like they're going out of their way to sell the PPV! Imagine that!
Christopher Robin Zimmerman