by Christopher Robin Zimmerman WrestleLine/WrestleManiacs You are WATCHING UPN!! One World Leader Attitude - TV-14-DLV - WWF! These opening credits, although wordless, are CLOSE CAPTIONED No, these aren't the jokes - this is just what's goin' on! FIREWORKS welcome us to the Somethingorother Center in Springfield, MA 28.10.99 (but taped 26.10) for WWF SmackDown! Did I mention it was en espanol donde sea disponible? Well, it IS! Are you ready? They're back, baby. D-GENERATION X, or rather, them four dudes what made up DX (who ain't Chyna) walk to the ring to the old DX theme. H speak first: "In case the world has forgotten, and I know you haven't, let me remind you, just who in the hell we are...we are D-Generation X! We do what we want, when we wanna do it. We make the rules, and we damn sure break 'em. The WWF, as of this moment, is on notice - because DX is back. ... We will leave no Stone unturned. We will leave no Rock unpulverized. Austin, Rock, if the two of you are lucky enough to make it to Survivor Series, you *will* step into the ring with the top dog, the CEO of D-Generation X - the Game - and let me remind you, I am THE WWF Champion...["asshole" chant]...and whether you like it or not, when Survivor Series is done, I WILL walk out STILL - THE - WWF Champion. D-Generation X - we are here for one reason, and one reason only, and that is to run this show." X-Pac: "You just said it, Triple H, and I'll say it again - D-Generation X is back on top! And what you're lookin' at is the strongest force in the World Wrestling Federation - today - but we can always get bigger. And I've just got a feelin' that tonight, you people are gonna see a new member." Ass: "Now to a little business, you see last Monday night, I got a little taste of Stone Cold Steve Austin and I liked it. So tonight what I think I'll do is I'll have my boys sit front row so they have a bird's eye view of when Mr. Ass kicks Stone Cold Steve Austin's ass, tonight on SmackDown!" Dogg: "Now, since that A-double-crooked-letter got you all into such a jovial mood - let me lay a little smack down for ya...Rock, the other night I left you in a puddle of your own talentless puke, so tonight, I want you to bring the People's b(beep)s down the People's ramp - step into the Dogg House, and I've got but one fear. You see, I know how much you like shinin' things up, and stickin' 'em up people's ass, and I know you know how I do my finish - and I'm afraid you just might like it when I flatten you on your back - uno, dos, tres - b(beep)ch." H: "Now I've told the world, but there's one person I wanna tell directly, face to face ... Vince, get your ass out here and bow to the masters! ... Don't make me wait, punk, now!" "No Chance in Hell" leads out BILLIONAIRE VINCE to a rather thunderous ovation from the crowd - who was awful quick to turn on DX. "I want you to look at me, dead in my eye, Vince, because I know damn well you know who we are - I know damn well you know what we do and what we can do... Vince - this is game, set, and match. We just pulled your punk card, and right now DX is putting you on notice. Vince, your services here in the World Wrestling Federation are no longer needed. Because DX is right now officially taking over. Vince, from now on, we will make the rules - we will make the laws, because,Vince, I got the boys, and I got the cards to do it. So Vince, listen close - take a hike, because you're finished." I was wondering if he could say "Vince" one more time. Well, let's hear from Vince. "On behalf of the fans in Springfield, Massachusetts [local heat] - on behalf of WWF fans all over the world - we got two words for ya...SUCK IT!" Man, listen to that GROWL. "Now Vince, as always, I knew you'd have a little comeback for me, and as always, I am one step ahead of you, because Vince - we have got three words for you - WE'RE TAKING OVER." Vince nods knowingly...then walks off. Backstage, you are there as the cameraman peruses the parking lot. When somebody arrives, we'll be sure to see it! There's Christian and Edge - and they're WALKING!! Even Edge's *T-shirt* has some scary teeth... Say no to crack - visit wwf.com And now the JVC Kaboom! of the week - of COURSE it's Shane's crossbody from the top of the cage. 'Cause, see, Shane's NOT A WRESTLER! Buy a JVCkaboom!box - NOW! There's Test & Stephanie - hand in hand - and they're WALKING!! And there's Patterson & Brisco! Man, everyone's SO HAPPY! All three HOLLYS walk to the commentary table to join our pair of kings - MICHAEL KING COLE and JERRY LAWLER. We Are Taken Back to RAW where Christian & Edge had a chance to win the tag team titles... but for the timely interference of the returning Too Cool. EDGE (I think I know him!) & CHRISTIAN v. TOO COOL - In some Bizarro world, I *still* think this whole "Too Cool" gimmick exists solely to bring back a pissed off Public Enemy. Somehow Christian & Edge walk through the crowd despite the fact that before the break they were walking around backstage... Christian & Edge strike before the bell and here's a brief brawl in the ring until Christopher and Edge are left in the ring. Taylor makes the surprise tag, but the doubleteam fails and Edge hits a double side Russian legsweep. Tag to Christian - double whi phard into the corner on Christopher. Taylor whipped into Christopher - nice snap of the head, yowch. Double hiptoss on Taylor. Whip i sreversed - Christian runs into Christopher's boot. There's a hot shot. Taylor off the ropes with - the Snake! (Oh, sorry, I guess it's "the Worm.") And the splash. Tag to Christopher. Christian manages a flurry until Christopher crotches him on the top rope, then knocks him out onto the apron. Sunset flip TO THE FLOOR! Christopher busting the proverbial move on the outside. Christian thrown back in as we watch a Double Feature. Snapmare by Christopher, tag to Taylor. Double powerbomb (a la Acolytes) and now it's *Taylor* dancing around like a goof. Missile dropkick from Christopher to Christian's head, held in place by Taylor. Out of the corner into the opposite corner, Christian throws up an elbow - up on the rope - tornado Slop Drop! Christian reaching for the tag - tag to Taylor - tag to Edge - HE'S A HOUSE ON FIRE!! Nice spinning heel kick on Christopher - shooting Taylor into the corner - Taylor fakes a dive out, Edge ducks it - Taylor to the top - moonsault? Nope - but Taylor lands on his feet - Edge hits that damn spear. 1, 2, save from Christopher. Now all four men in the ring - Christopher taken out. Crash grabs Scale and takes it to Edge's head. Taylor covers and referee "Blind" Earl Hebner turns around to make the count. 1, 2, 3. (4:23) Hardcore & Crash join the fray to make it four on two. Clothesline with the scale on Christian by the Hollys, while Too Cool marks (on Edge) the return of the underrated, unheralded doubleteam VEG-O-MATIC! The Holly's music plays and we see Christopher and Taylor dance. Here's another sweep of the parking lot by our intrepid cameraman...nope, nobody yet... Let Us Take You Back to Monday where Big Bossman beat up...a watch JIM ROSS provides an Earlier Today interview with the Big Show, who holds the remains of the watch in his oversized paw. "Ahhh - I'm gonna leave, JR - I think that's the best thing I can do is leave - you know - ummm - I'm gonna leave - 'cause I know when I see him, I'm probably gonna do something I'm gonna regret the rest of my life..." And then he walks out. Umm, see ya later? A look at Dressing Room J shows two ho's leaving, and Mark Henry clad in a towel and a lot of liquid - and then, two ho's entering... they weren't exactly "restaurant quality" if you catch my drift... Another parking lot view - nope, nothin' yet. Lawler says his sources tell him that the Rock's arrival is imminent. SmackDown! is brought to you by DUNCAN'S HARDCORE YO-YO'S! And TWIX! And WWF: The Music (Volume 4) - available TUESDAY! CHRIS THURSDAY JERICHO v. ? - "When I walked into this arena today, one of my loyal Jerichoholics informed me that Stevie Richards had challenged me to a match. Stevie Richards. Well Stevie, the way I see it, you've had the chance of a lifetime on Monday when I allowed you to be my tag-team partner - and I was absolutely DESTROYING both D'Lo Brown and that - girl - Chyna - and I would have pinned them both at the same time if you hadn't tagged yourself in and completely spoiled everything... But Stevie, I know you're trying to make a name for yourself by coming out and imitating some of the more untalented, unentertaining WWF performers - but Stevie, you will never ... eeeever have the talent or that charazzma of Y-2-J, so get out here, jerky, because *I* am going to *beat* the *hell* out of *you.*" But instead, it's our favourite theme music and...you know, that actually looks a lot like the OLD Chyna...oh, that's STEVIE RICHARDS, thanks to the helpful chyron ("Stevie Richards as Chyna") Jericho promptly takes Richards off the apron to the floor and follows outside. Jericho whips Richards with his own wig. There's a suplex on the floor. Jericho stomping away on him. The thong wasn't the best idea, in retrospect. Into the STEEL steps. Now back in the ring. Jericho with rights, now stomping the stuffing out of him - literally! Into the opposite corner, follow clothesline. Knees to the head. Off the ropes, there's a knee to the gut. Lawler makes the "stuffin'" joke just behind me. Here's THAT SLUT CHYNA & MISS KITTY walking to the ringside. Richards somehow manages a Sunset flip attempt into the ring - Jericho squats down and holds the ropes - referee "Blind" Tim White get to 1 before Chyna waffles Jericho in the head with the belt - and he falls backwards, completing the Sunset flip! 1, 2, 3!! Richards wins! (1:48) Richards with a big grateful hug for Chyna - who is apparently offended by the getup, as she takes him to the mat with a forearm. Jericho's back up and pulling up Richards...and there's a double powerbomb. Now he's stripping him - ewwwww. Let's play Jericho's music! Backstage, the investment in a cameraman in the parking lot finally pays some dividends - The Rock is here! As he removes his bags from the trunk, who should appear but the Road Dogg. "What do you want, jabrone - are you here to carry the Rock's bags?" "No, no, no, it's just I wanted to tell you IHATEYOURGUTS" and he jumps him. Back and forth we go, Rock getting the better of the exchange, but now the rest of DX is there, and even though he's the Rock, he ain't gonna beat four men. Rock is stuffed into the trunk of the car - Dogg gets behind the wheel and drives off... Let Us Take You Back to Moments Ago. Why does Lawler keep talking about his "sources?" KEVIN "NAILZ" KELLY is standing with the three non-Doggs in DX. Triple H reminds us that they're taking over. The Rock probably smells what they're cookin' NOW. Gunn's got even BIGGER plans for Steve Austin... BRITISH BULLDOG (with the Mean Street Posse) v. D'LO BROWN for the European Championship - Let Us Take You Back to RAW and the cage match, so we can see Shane's plancha again - oh and Test's elbow, which was about a BILLION times better. Is a sweater vest in Bulldog's future? The Posse distracts Brown by bobbing their heads, and Bulldog attacks from behind. Elbow, elbow, into the corner, elbow, out of the corner, Brown comes back with a clothesline. Right hand. Bulldog taken through the ropes. Brown with a PESCADO onto Bulldog! Right hand, again, into the STEEL steps. Suplex attempt is blocked - and Bulldog hits one of his own. Bulldog has the top of the STEEL steps - and runs 'em smack into Brown's head. Tossed back into the ring, Bulldog follows, and there's a knee. Right hand. Elbow. Brown ducks another and dumps him out to the floor. As referee "Blind" Chad Patten checks on Bulldog, Rodney is in with a clip...then slides out right in front of him. Oops. There's a powerslam from Bulldog - but he only gets 2! Lackadaisical cover, I guess. To the rear chinlock. Brown gets back up and elbows out, but Bulldog manages a kick to the gut...into a backbreaker, but Brown slips out - only to run into a back bodydrop. Rodney back in the ring, Patten quickly over to make sure the other two guys can interfere. Abs tosses the belt into the ring, but Brown catches it! Bulldog gets an elbow before he can use it, though - and there's a Bulldog belt shot - it's over - 1, 2, NO!!! Bulldog to the rear chinlock - D'Lo elbows out - off the ropes - double clothesline and both men are down. Both men up slowly, D'Lo with "Iblockyourpunchyoudon'tblockmine," again, off the ropes, reversal, duck, flying jalapeno from Brown. Leg lariat. Standing flourish legdrop, but he pulls up at 2 as Pete "Gas" gets up on the apron. Brown knocks him down, then hits a back elbow to a charging Bulldog who was hoping to surprise him. Now setting him up for the Real Deal! And there it is! The running powerbomb has left Bulldog laying. Brown up for the 'Lo-down to end it for sure... but Pete "Gas" crotches him while the ref is caught up with Joey Abs on the outside. Bulldog to the top rope - it's a SUPERPLEX! Cover - 1, 2, 3!! Ladies and gentlemen, we have a new European Champion. (5:17) Looks like a brand new belt THERE, too - that should just about do it for the "old" WWF logo. This is Smith's second Euro reign - only two years too late, too! X-Pac assures Kane that despite all this DX stuff, you can still count on him, man. They're tight, man. They're bro's. X-pac apologises for Monday's run-in, but it was either him or "the chick," man. Tonight they got the Dudleys, man. It's frickin' payback time, man! Let's do it, man! Maaaaaaaan! You can dress it up as much as you want, baby ... but it's still just PONG. Good timing - "WWF Attitude" ad ain't no sissy PONG...that's for DAMN sure. You're watching UPN! Still! Did you know tonight was the last live THUNDER!? Well, there's one in December, but that's IT, my man. WCW is now gonna tape the Thursday show on Tuesday...wait a minute...Thursday show...taped on Tuesday...hey! And now, the WWF Boot of the Week, brought to you by LUGZ! Rock Bottom on Mr. Ass - followed by X-Pac's surprise spinning heel kick which showed us the eventual reformation of DX, right there in the damn ring! TV-14-DLV ratings box greets Road Dogg - he asks a parking lot guy ("Father Time") if Steve Austin's arrived yet. Nope, hey, what'd you do with the Rock? Dogg says he's on the other side of the tracks, where he belongs. Why, that's RACIST!! THROUGH HELL FIRE & BRIMSTONE IT'S KANE & X-PAC v. DUDLEY BOYZ - funny to see Tony Chimel and referee "Blind (but not deaf)" Jim Korderas holding their ears before the Kane explosions. Let Us Take You Back to Last Monday, where Kevin Kelly said "Jesus!" Kane stares down both Dudleyz - D-Von starts. D-Von gets in the first shot - and the second - there's a kick - unfortunately, no effect on any of it - there's a lariat from Kane. Head to the buckle, uppercut, right, kick, right, threatening look to the ref, whip into the opposite corner, sidewalk slam. Kane to the top rope - flying clothesline! 1, 2, save from B.B. Ray. X-Pac comes into the ring and Korderas is distracted. So is Kane - there's a shot from behind by D-Von. Off the ropes, but there's the big boot. Both Dudleyz taken outside by baseball slide dropkicks. Kane follows and takes D-Von's head to the barricade. Up and over the steps with a flying clothesline! Before he can get another shot in, D-Von gets a clip from behind. Double whip into the STEEL steps out on the floor. Kane rolled back in where D-Von stomps on the head. There's a tag, double whip, but Kane knocks them both down, then tags X-Pac. Duck, spinning heel kick, taking D-Von out, and tagging Kane almost immediately - then hitting a Golota on KANE, an *X-Factor*, and B.B. Ray covers for the pin! (3:06) Kane clears the ring of the Dudleyz, then turns to X-Pac...but the rest of DX is out and it's four on one again. Pedigree on Kane! "I guess my job of carrying your big ass is over! Kane, your brother was right about you - you're weak, and you're not DX material...there ain't gonna be a new member of D-Generation X tonight - 'cause you're a piece of crap! And I'm sick of carrying you - THAT'S IT!" Triple H gets a shot of him standing over Kane - then they all walk off, leaving Kane laying in the ring. You know, that special Halloween "Shasta McNasty" is AFTER Halloween... Let Us Take You Back to Moments Ago - X-Pac made him feel whole...and now he makes him feel like he's got REALLY sore balls. NOKIA is connecting people and ALSO sponsoring the Survivor Series! HARDY BOYS (with Terri) v. VISCERA & SEXUAL CHOCKLIT MIZARK HENRY (with four alleged ho's) - apparently, Viscera's become a pimp himself - only, not a "fun loving guy who loves to have fun" kinda pimp - more like a "pimp" pimp. The four ho's we saw earlier are the same ones coming out of and going into Henry's dressing room - and like Ball Park Franks, somebody must have cooked 'em, 'cause they've sure plumped. Viscera starts, and misses on Matt - Matt peppers him but Viscera absorbs it and knocks him down. Viscera with an astonishing variety of clubbing forearms. Matt manages to squirt out of the corner and tag Jeff. There's an all fours boost leg lariat from Jeff. Both of them kicking him - double whip fails as Viscera holds his ground and pulls them together instead. Double clothesline takes them out of their boots. Senton misses, however, (well, okay, an elbowdrop I guess) and Jeff peppers him while tagging Matt. Apparently the tag goes completely ignored as Viscera works him over. Somehow, Jeff manages to tag Matt again. They try the double suplex, but they ain't the Quebecers, so it doesn't work. Viscera counters with a double DDT. Finally, a tag for Viscera - can you BELIEVE he's CARRIED this match? Most importantly - HIS PANTS HAVE STAYED ON!! Henry in and both Hardys go down with one right hand for each - Henry casts a wayward eye in Terri's direction and starts doing some tongue machinations. This is enough of a distraction for Jeff to dropkick Henry in the back of the knee. Matt hits a neckbreaker while Jeff scales the ropes for his sentonbomb. Cover - 1, 2, 3!! (2:26) Viscera scowls and shouts some orders to the women. Henry and Viscera have a meeting of the minds in the ring...and then Viscera ends the suspense by hauling off and slugging him. THERE'S THE FAT ASS SPLASH! TWO TIMES!! Viscera lays down some more smack, poses to the crowd...and walks on him on his way out of the ring. Man, why these bruthas gotta beat up each utha, know what I'm sayin'? Back in Dressing Room D, the parking lot guy finds DX and tells them that Stone Cold Steve Austin arrived...apparently, business is fixin' to pick up... Yeah, I reckon I'll catch "Dogma..." so sue me. Aie! The disturbing jail bait Coke ad! It's the ASIAN GIRL version! Go ahead, make the "Me so horny" joke - you know you want to! DX talks strategy...seems like bad form to let us eavesdrop on 'em like that... BIG BOSSMAN (with Prince Albert in a Can) v. AL SNOW in a non-Hardcore, non-title match - Let Us Take You Back to the saga of Pepper, followed by the saga of poking fun at Big Show's cancer-stricken father - all of which shows us that the Big Bossman is One Sick Dude, dude. Snow, on the other hand, is the very picture of normalcy. Bossman from behind as Snow is distracted by Albert. Still on him - Snow fires back, then pulls on Bossman's belt to take him outside through the ropes - there's a nice pescado by Snow. Snow stomps on Bossman as Albert stalks menacingly, but out of reach, with the nightstick. Hard into the apron, then Snow rolls him in - slingshot legdrop for Snow as he comes back in for 2, Bossman putting his boot on the bottom rope. Snow still punching away here. Off the ropes, duck, caught by Bossman - but Snow slips out - but runs into a big boot. Referee "Blind" Tim White keeping Albert out of the match. Into the corner, Bossman firing away with lefts and rights - into the corner, but Snow manages a drop toehold when Bossman charges him for a bulldog attempt off the ropes. LA MAGISTRAL!! but only 2. Greco-Roman eyepoke by Bossman - there's a clothesline. Headbutt from the Bossman. Right, snapmare, Bossman stands on the hair and yanks on his arms. Snow with a boot to break it up. I am now SO TIRED of hearing the word "sources" bandied about by our erstwhile commentators. Snow coming back with a flurry but Albert is hitting the steps with the nightstick - Albert trying to throw the stick to Bossman, but White sees it - oh, wait, it's all an act as Bossman has the Hardcore title to WHACK Snow with - White turns around and only sees the cover... 1, 2, 3. (2:59) Bossman is so happy he headbutts Albert - huh. Here's the replay of the belt shot. But now Snow has the mic. "What a shock! What a surprise! What a major upset that was! The two of you ... beating *me* - WOW! But you know what? I don't know if it's the shot to my head - or the fact the doctors upped the dosage of my medication, but I, being the grizzled veteran that I am, feel like I've let the youth of this sport down, Prince Albert... 'cause you - you just weren't physically involved enough in this match! I know you didn't do a thing, and I feel bad, so I was thinking....I was thinkin', since you've got my Hardcore title - because *I* am the clown prince of Hardcore! - I'm thinking, what the hell, the night's young, I'm not done having fun - why don't the two of you meet me in the outside parking lot for a hardcore match for that belt! You bring your girlfriend from Cell Block 8 and I'll kick BOTH your asses..." Albert & Bossman walk up the ramp while Snow goes out through the crowd...don't know if it's on or not - but I'd bet it is! Meanwhile, Road Dogg is backstage caught in ... a bear trap? Eww, that looks painful. Hope he doesn't GNAW IT OFF! Steve Austin walks up "Hey, that looks like it hurts!" Dogg begs for help - Austin offers to help...then pours beer in the wound. Dogg calls out for Billy as Austin walks off...hey, cameraman! Come on, help out the lad! When we come back, the rest of DX has joined the EMT's (including the blonde) - there's a nice little red mark on Dogg's shin left after they take the trap off. Meanwhile, Bossman and Albert are outside. It's apparently cold outside, so they decide to get into a car and wait for Al Snow - then run him over, I think. Anyway, a forklift, driven by WELL IT'S THE BIG SHOW, pins the car against a wall, then Show smashes up some of the windows, stomps away on the car - and THEN....walks up to the top of the wall next to it - and shoves a dumpster on top of the car. Obviously, this looks a LOT better than me describing it. I will note, however, that a cop just LOOKS ON, almost AMUSED, just LETTING this go on... Show makes the ahhhhtheCHOKESLAAAAM hand motion - and that's it for this segment... WWF Slam Cam ad is the only time tonight we'll see Debra, apparently - is she off getting something done? Let Us Take You Back to Moments Ago - you know what the best part of this was? The Big Show was wearing LOAFERS! Well, maybe he wasn't... Mankind is - WALKING - down a hall! And singing "He's Got the Whole World in his Hand." He stops to shout into a locker room - "Blackman! I'll let you know when I find your charisma, buddy!" Man, that's COLD. Meanwhile, Billy Gunn appears strung up and screaming - hey, there's Steve Austin walking by to gloat - "how's it hangin', Billy?" ...looks like he's got two guys left to snare...needless to say, Gunn gets some beer thrown at him... MANKIND v. BALD VENIS - The Coast Guard presents the Rescue of the Week - Val Venis rescuing Mankind from... er, Mankind rescuing... ah screw it. No, wait! Venis rescuing Triple H from certain defeat! From last Monday! OKAY! Mankind gets no mic love. Venis, on the other hand... "Cut the music! Mankind, as you stand in the centre of that ring, the Big Valbowski knows exactly what you are thinking...what you're thinking, Mankind, is YOU WANT RESPECT. You want respect for your in-ring ability, you want respect for your out-of-ring ability, and you want respect for your literary art. And as your book is being set to be in the New York Times Top Ten Bestseller List, you demand respect. Mankind, as the Big Valbowski will strut and stroll and gyrate his way down to that very ring, climb into that ring and look into your eyes, he will reinforce the idea into that peppercorn brain of yours that I am EXACTLY what I say I am, and that is THE single fastest up and coming athlete in the history of the World Wrestling Federation!" Mankind makes the "come on" motion, Venis rushes the ring, but falls to the first attack as he attempts to enter the ring. Forearm, kick, stomp, stomp, head to the bukle is blocked and Venis hits one on Mankind instead. Punching away in the corner, now. Off the ropes, shoulderblock from Venis. Mankind ducks another charge and Venis flies over the top rope, and falls to the outside. Mankind grabs him by the hair - like THAT'LL work with this guy - and Venis manages to turn it into a hot shot when he drops down to the floor. Venis pulls him out by the boots, right hand uppercut - Mankind run into the STEEL steps. Right hand. Shoulder into the post. Venis finally remembers he's supposed to be attacking the OTHER arm, and wraps the injured left arm around the post and yanks. Back in the ring, Venis with knees to the elbow. Working the shoulder and barring the arm. Mankind to the ropes to get the break. Mankind firing back with rights - off the ropes, reversal, drop toehold by Venis (Cole: "legsweep") and again going to the armbar. Trying to rip the arm from it's socket! Mankind struggling to get to his feet - right hands - hold broken - head to the buckle. Whip into the opposite corner but Venis sidesteps the charge and Mankind lands on the bad shoulder. Snapmares him over - Venis with a running kneedrop - cover, 2, no. Venis with one o' them submission hold things involving an armbar. Mankind again to his feet, and again getting out with punches from the good arm. Off the ropes, head down, Mankind with the kick, gutshot, double underhook, DDT! As only Val can sell it. Mankind motions for the sock - reaches - and fails to find it. Remember the good ol' days when Mankind didn't need a sock to deliver the mandible claw? Venis takes advantage of the missing sock - side Russian legsweep - Money Shot attempt takes too long and MISSES as Mankind sidesteps it. Here's AL SNOW come out with the sock! Mandible claw! Venis tries to punch out, but Mankind puts it back on him. Down to the mat - shoulders down - referee "Blind" Teddy Long counts - 1, 2, 3. (5:56) Back in the locker room, DX huddles under the watchful, all-seeing eye of the WWF cameraman. They need to stick together to keep Austin from taking them out! X-Pac's cellular phone rings, he answer's - it's Austin. Quoting Casey Kasem, Austin tells 'Pac to "keep your feet on the ground, and keep reaching for the stars," then drops the ceiling on him. The various DX guys do various frustrated grunts as X-Pac is out cold. Man, those falling, particle board CEILING TILES be DEVASTATIN'! WWF: The Music (Volume 4) ad - available TUESDAY! Why on GOD'S GREEN EARTH would anybody need Triple H's theme when it's on every other coupla minutes?!? Coming soon: Mr. Ass hangs out with bikini babes! Put the TV on UPN and RIP OFF THE DIAL!! Let Us Take You Back to Earlier Tonight - bear trap on Road Dogg, check. Mantrap for Mr. Ass, check. Ceiling on X-Pac, check. How'd he get him to stand in that EXACT spot? The DX theme plays one more time as D-GENERATION X - well - *limps* out to the ring. This looks like our last segment tonight. "Cut the music...all right Austin, this is it. This crap's gonna stop right now. You wanna play games with us? You wanna set bear traps...and set rope traps, and drop ceilings on us... Austin, you wanna play games with us? Well if I've said it once, I've said it a million times - I - AM - THE GAME! [I think he actually HAS said it a million times.] In this ring D-Generation X stands now, not beaten - but united! Now we've already taken care of the Rock - we've sent him packin' to destination unknown. And Kane is off licking his wounds somewhere - well it doesn't stop there, because Austin is next. Now, I know the kinda man you are Austin - and basically, you're a coward. You don't have the guts to come out here and stand face to face with the four of us like a man. You've got to attack us from behind, you've gotta cheap-shot... for all I know, you could be sittin' under this very ring..." With a sudden realiastion, this gives them an idea to go check...just in case. They don't find him. "All right, well, if you're not under the ring, I know you're here somewhere, Austin. So I'm gonna tell you what I'm gonna do. I'm gonna give you a fighting chance to BE A MAN. Steve Austin, suck 'em up into your gut one time, and show some (beep), walk to the ring and stand face to face with the four of us, and let's end this crap once and for all. Austin, I'm gonna give you 'til the count of ten. If you do not come out - we are going to come back there, beat your ass, drag your ass to the ring, and show you, like the coward that you are, in front of the world. 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, shut the hell up, I'm counting. Where was I? 9, 10. Puss." But before they leave the ring, I hear glass, must be time for STONE COLD STEVE AUSTIN (with a beer) to walk out, and head for the (to the right) OvalTron. No, pacing back to the center of the ramp - no, back to the OvalTron. The music is cut. "I been in the back - listening to you flap your gums, running your mouth all night long about how DX is back. Well Stone Cold don't give a rat's ass about all that. You come out here and say you're the game and you're takin' over the World Wrestling Federation. Well eh-eh! That just ain't gonna happen. Look at ya, four pieces of trash - I go backstage, I set a bear trap, thinking I'm gonna catch a bear, and I catch a jackass! Oh, get hot you little (beep) - Badd Ass Billy Gunn, they oughta call you Dumbass Billy Gunn, because you fall for the ol' "snare on the ground" trick and you're hanging upside down back there. You silly b(beep). Hell, X-Pac, the only thing I like about you is your name, 'cause it sounds almost like a six pack, but you're so damn stupid, you're so damn stupid, I give you the old Casey Kasem line - 'keep your feet on the ground, and keep reaching for the stars,' you look up and damn, the whole ceiling falls down on your little sorry ass. Far as you go, Triple H, why the long face? You got the World Wrestling Federation championship - you're running the show out there, but you don't impress me one bit! So if you want me to run down there - open a can o' whoop-ass on DX, gimme a 'Hell Yeah!'" "Oh yeah, 'cause I wanna see you try - come on." The four DX'ers band together in the centre of the ring awaiting Austin. Austin swigging beer and walking down the ramp."If you think DX sucks, gimme a 'Hell Yeah!'" Then, from above the ring, a net drops on them. Austin spills the rest of his beer and starts walloping on everybody - H escapes and they trade blows. The other three extricate themselves from the net - the lights go out, then the explosions go off and THROUGH HELL FIRE AND BRIMSTONE IT'S KANE is out to join the battle. Hell, why not - LA ROCA is out, too. Rock Bottom on Dogg, Rock Bottom on Gunn, Stunner on Triple H, Stunner on X-Pac into a chokeslam from Kane...and there's the credits. Send 'em home happy, Vince! SEEEEEE YA! Christopher Robin Zimmerman
www.CRZ.net