by Christopher Robin Zimmerman
I GET LETTERS: DeAnna E. Pena writes: just read ur smackdown report for 11/5
all i gotta say is ... zzzzzzzz....zzz...zzz (grumble)..zzzzzzz
then i woke up and clicked off of ur report...
p.s. take off those silly ass glasses
Remember, like all columnists, I only provide you with examples of my
hatemail in order to solicit VALIDATION from MORE of you. I just manage
to do it in less words than, say, Keith -- like we all don't already KNOW
what the ECW fans are gonna write you with after you dog their PPV.
NOT THAT YOU ASKED: Generally, you can judge every ECW PPV thusly:
Not as good as Scaia said it was, but not as bad as Keith said it
was. Of course, that leaves a HELL of a range, I know. I try to
stay out of ECW discussion except when something gets stolen - then I try
to make a reference to it to look "hip." How'm I doin'?
BLATANT PLUG: It might be too late by the time you read this, but my local
favourite radio station, Channel
1049, has been playing "The 80's: A to Z" as a Sweeps gimmick and it's
been one trippy week. They have that God-awful Microsoft Media Player
streaming if you can't pull in a Fremont signal on your radio (and I
BARELY can - and I'm working in San Freaking Jose!). At the very least,
try to pop in occasionally and check out the "Now Playing" list to see how
weird it is when you play songs in alphabetical order. Of course, it's
always good to hear "Synchronicity II" right after "Synchronicity I"...how
many songs do you reckon start with "Love"...or "The?" It was also neat
to hear "19," THEN "99 Luft Balloons," THEN "99 Red Balloons." Well why
the hell NOT.
I'm a sucker for the 80's...yet I STILL have no desire to see Hogan in
main events in 1999. CRZ: the living dichotomy.
KINGS UPDATE: Sacramento, by virtue of playing their first two games in
Japan, are 1-1 while everybody else in the division has played four to six
games. As a result, they're already down to fifth and two games out.
HOWEVER, they ARE ahead of the Warriors! More as it develops - and they
catch up on the number of games played...
Time to make the donuts...
YOU are watching UPN! I hope you hugged a Veteran for making it possible!
There's Mr. Ass - and there's some bikini'd babes! Yup, a third night of
the UPN Bikini Biker Beach Bash!
UPN44 and cobaltcard.com want to send you to the Cow Palace 27 November
for the WWF card! I'm so busy reading the crawl that I almost miss the
Ahhhhh-nold hype for the show - coming up - NOW!!
TV-14-DLV One World Leader Attitude - WWF!
Closed captioned Opening credits sound like this: "wooga wogga wooga wogga
wooga wogga wooga wogga" and so on
FIREWORKS and SIGNS and EN ESPANOL DONDE SEA DISPONIBLE and WE ARE
RECORDED from the Unnamed Arena in Balitmore, MD for the 11.11.99 (taped
9.11) airing of WWF SmackDown! ONLY ON UPN!
Are you ready? It's time for D-GENERATION X to come to the ring. I'm
apparently the ONLY online reportin' guy watching RAW that didn't
immediately think of the word "rape" during last Monday's show, where DX
had an obviously not-Stephanie, obviously fully clothed...but missing one
shoe...well, let's listen. "As promised, once again, D-Generation X - on
top of the world. And you know what? Now that I think about it, Monday
night, 'the world' wasn't the only thing we were on top of. As a matter
of fact, why don't we take a little look at the great D-Generation X in
action, so to speak. Roll that beautiful B-footage." Let Us Take You
Back to Last Monday where the controversial footage in question occurred.
Road Dogg gave us a glimpse of ... some female...with Mr. Ass and X-Pac.
A panicked Mr. McMahon runs backstage with Shane and Test - lots of
"Stephanie!" shouted - this time Triple H and Road Dogg mocking the shout.
Triple H asks where the dress went and Road Dogg produces it from behind
his tag team belt. Several "stain" jokes - "DNA" jokes - "the truth of
the matter is, *Vince*, and for all of you...Stephanie McMahon wasn't
actually wearing that dress. No, it was actually some skank drama student
from Penn State University that got the thrill of her life by going up
close with Mr. Ass - and I'll tell ya what, watching that footage, I mean,
I know Schwarzenegger's gonna be here tonight, yeah, whoop-de-doo!
Schwarzenegger's gonna be here tonight, he's a hell of an actor, but the
truth of the matter is, that ... was some GOOD acting." "Whoa, whoa,
whoa, that broad was NOT acting, because I think I punctured one of her
lungs." "All right, easy, easy tough guy, I know you're all man and three
yards long, but I don't think you went that far. The truth of the matter
is, Monday night showed just was DX is capable of, and speaking of
capable, at Survivor Series, I will be THE most capable man in the World
Wrestling Federation. And I know that there has been a lot of problems
with every body else and a lot of mistakes - a lot of mistakes have been
made. ["Rock E" chant] For example, he is one of the biggest screwups
making the mistakes. I, on the other hand, do not make mistakes. Survivor
Series will be no different - I will make no mistakes, and it does not
matter if I have to go through Austin, if I have to go through the
Rock...even if I have to go through Vince McMahon himself as the refee...I
will walk out of Survivor Series Sunday THE World Wrestling Federation
champion - because - I AM - THAT - DAMN - GOOD. Now Vince, you've seen
what we're capable of - and Vince McMahon, you like to come out and get in
DX's face every week...you want to stand face to face with the Game, with
Triple H? You want to get in our way? Well next time you think about it,
you've gotta ask yourself, Vince - you know what we're capable of and the
truth of the matter is, Vince, little pristine pure Stephanie could be
wearing this dress ... any time we want. Now, I gotta see this one more
time, 'cause it's just too precious of a shot - put that jackass' face,
Vince McMahon, put his face on there one more - hahaha - look at that!
'Stephanieee! Oh my God!'...what the hell?" The still shot of Vince has
dissolved into a LIVE shot of Vince - and he ain't pleased. "No Chance in
Hell" serenades BILLIONAIRE VINCE out to cheers from the crowd. "You
know, there are a lot of things I could do about the stunt you pulled.
First of all, I could walk down to that ring and fire every one of your
asses on the spot. Or, I could go back to my locker room, come back with
an Equalizer, and leave every damn one of you a bloody mess!" But Edward
Woodward isn't like a Schwarzenegger?? "...but that's not what I'm gonna
do - just as you've had your fun, I'm gonna have MY fun at Survivor Series
as the guest referee, and as far as tonight is occurred, in that very ring
... there will be an eight man Survivor Series elimination matchup in
which you four degenerates will square off against my son Shane, my
soon-to-be son-in-law Test, Kane, and the People's Champion, the Rock!
Oh oh oh oh...oh...I've forgot...I've forgot ...there's just one last
thing, and that is, tonight, in the eight-man Survivor Series elimination
matchup, there is a Guest Enforcer and his name is Stone Cold Steve
Austin!" Hit the music. Triple H fumes in the ring. "Vince! All right,
you wanna come out here, you wanna play a little one-upmanship. I'll tell
you what. That's fine. You make your threats...but when you walk back
there, and you look at your daughter's face, and she's smiling - Vince,
you better ask yourself: is Stephanie smiling because she's laughing at
Test because he's just that rotten in the sack, or is she smilin' because
she's thinkin' about exactly what DX could do to her in the sack." That's
enough for TEST, who blindly runs into the ring, despite the fact that
he's only one and they're four. Vince comes back out after a moderate
beatdown...DX tosses Test out of the ring, his nose bloodied. Vince
stands between them while Helmsley threatens the same for Vince. Vince
gets Test back to the back...but then turns back with a glare.
Later tonight: Arnold Schwarzenegger! Also, exclusive footage of Mr.
Show's funeral (bet HBO is made they missed out on THAT). As we see some
now, Cole promises that the footage to come will be "disturbing and
deplorable." Oh boy! Can't wait!
WWF SmackDown is brought to you by 3DO, makers of Battle Tanx: Global
What's with all those flipped birds in that Extreme Yo-yo commercial?
Will "the Strip" get cancelled before the Godfather and Ivory appear?
OLYMPIC GOLD MEDAL CHAMPION KURT ANGLE vignette. He does respect the WWF
Superstars, but he won a gold medal - he believe he's got something a
little extra. He's looking forward to being an inspiration in the locker
room. He'll also make his "official" debut Sunday at Survivor Series!
Call your mom!
Backstage, Patterson and Brisco wonder why Arnold's so late. Vince asks
them to please try to behave themselves.
EDGE (with Christian) v. HARDCORE HOLLY (with Crash & Scale Holly) - Crash
"accidentally" whacks Hardcore with Scale on their way to the ring...just
to give us an inkling of possible problems to come. Lockup, side headlock
from Holly, Edge powers out, but Holly hits a shoulderblock. Back and
forth we go, over, under, Holly has Edge up, Edge punching out, but Holly
drops him down with a hot shot off the top rope. Off the ropes, double
chop in the throat to take him down. Second rope choke - Hardcore
STANDING on his back now. Edge reverses into a side Russian legsweep -
but Holly reverses the next attempt into a suplex. Take a drink every
time Cole refers to the ladder match. Leaving him laying, Hardcore climbs
to the top - very slowly - and ends up eating the boots on his way down.
Edge struggling to get up while Christian leads the cheers. Both men up
at the same time, but it's Edge with the right, and again - off the ropes
with a big back bodydrop. Crash up on the apron, Crash down. Gutshot,
snap suplex, got the fingers laced, but only 2. There's a tornado DDT
from Edge, but again Hardcore kicks out. Off the ropes, reversal, Best
Dropkick in the Business - Hardcore goes out again...taking some
time...off the - no, Edge crotches him by coming off the ropes. Edge to
the top to meet him there - SUPERPLEX! Bridge - 1, 2, 3. (3:23) But
wait, it's HOLLY getting the victory. Let's check the replay. Sure
enough, Edge's shoulders are down - and apparently those are the ones
referee "Blind" Earl Hebner was checking. Sunday the Hollys and Too Much
team against Christian, Edge and the Hardys in an Elimination match. I
hope they bring a ladder into that match!
There's the limo - it's HIM! Schwarzenegger fauns over WWF for Vince,
Patterson and Brisco faun over Schwarzenegger. And man, it's hard not to
think about Hans & Franz listening to Schwarzenegger greeting the Three
Musketeers..."Ja, ja, let us go und see de Schmackdaun, und dann I vill
pump (clap) you up"
Survivor Series is SUNDAY! And ONLY ON PAY-PER-VIEW!
The WWF SmackDown! Hardass Holiday Special is TWO weeks away! Join the
rest of the world in asking: will I REALLY recap a wrestling show on
Coming up, as we check out the mourning party, footage of the Big Show's
father's funeral - "horrific, heinous, you just cannot believe what you're
gonna see here...it was awful." "It was an atrocity." Geez, did anybody
consider that maybe they could actually make a decisision to NOT SHOW IT,
GODFATHER (with ten - no, five ho's) & D'LO BROWN v. DUDLEY BOYZ - Not
only is Godfather a fun-loving guy who loves to have fun, but he SMOKES
MARIJUANA. I guess Brown's ankle is all better...? This Sunday the
Dudleys and the Acolytes team up against Godfather, Brown, and the Head
Bangers...don't worry, I'm as confused about that as you are. Pier Four
Brawl to start - double back body drops, double clothesline - the Dudleys
scatter - now B.B. Ray is still in - elbow from Godfather for 1. To the
corner, tag to Brown - off the ropes, double back elbow. Right, off the
ropes again, head down, reversal into a piledriver. There's a reach for
the ho's to distract Godfather - *and* referee "Blind" Tim White - so
D-Von can hit a headbutt to the exposed crotch. Yowch. Scoop - and a
slam. Off the ropes with a big elbowdrop. Quick tag - Slam from D-Von,
second rope senton MISSES - D'Lo manages a heel kick. Taking him off the
ropes, duck, big boot, cover, 1, 2, no. Off the ropes is reversed, D'Lo
hits Sky-Hi for 2. I thought it was the Real Deal now? Oh well. Tag to
D-Von as Brown is slow getting up - shot for Godfather, shots for Brown,
D-Von climbs the rope and only gets three on a Ten Punch Count Along -
D'Lo picks him up and drops him- is THAT the Real Deal? No matter - it's
a HOT TAG TO THE GODFATHER! You got down! You go down! You get a scoop
slam! You go down! Tag to D'Lo - D-Von into the corner hard - D'Lo
whipped into the corner with a slingshot - it's time once again for the -
whoops, B.B. Ray just headed him off the pass with a mighty
clothesline/spear. Now outside with the Godfather as Brown hits a forearm
smash inside the ring. Godfather whipped into the STEEL steps and the
ho's are over to check - guess where White's eyes are. That's right.
Brown hits the standing flourish legdrop and covers - but the ho's and
White and sharing a moment. Into the ropes, reversal, duck, but both
Dudleys are in - Dudley Death Drop! White FINALLY turns around - 1, 2, 3.
In their dressing room, Triple H expresses disgust, anger and annoyance.
Road Dogg and Mr. Ass discuss strategy...then X-Pac comes in and says
something about Schwarzenegger that I couldn't hear at all...then
Here's some more footage from the funeral - the coffin carried to the
waiting Big Show - again, we're promised that later footage it'll be
heinous and awful and WILL SHOCK YOU and we really don't wanna watch it if
we're decent God-fearing folk...please stay tuned
And now, the Spyro II Rewind! From RAW, Snow & Mankind lose the tag
titles thanks to a little help from Val Venis and a chair.
BALD VENIS v. BRITISH BULLDOG (with Mean Street Posse) - Henry, Gangrel
and Blackman team with Venis against the British Bulldog and the Mean
Street Posse in a Survivor Series match - if you're wondering what those
first four have in common, well, I'll tell you - they're all facing the
Bulldog and the Posse at Survivor Series! Venis has words for Snow...the
"treating women like objects" gimmick is HIS, dammit! You can tell Venis
is a heel now, 'cause he fails to tell us how hard his dick is. We learn
that tonight Snow and Mankind aren't around - no doubt drowning their
sorrows in private. Hey, isn't everybody a rulebreaker in this match?
Venis punches away, getting the early jump on Bulldog to start, kicking,
standing on the throat, right hand, whip out into the opposite corner is
reversed, clothesline from Bulldog to turn the tide - and there's the
infamous half hour suplex. 1, 2, nope. Venis gets in some quick shots,
but Bulldog counters with a facelock and a few shots of his own - there's
the DDT for 2. Venis tossed to the outside, and now the Posse runs from
the entryway down to the floor to lay in with the boots. Back in - now
the Posse's in (DQ 1:14) - now STEVE BLACKMAN, GANGREL & SEXUAL CHOCKLIT
MIZARK HENRY are all in...wow? And when I say "wow," I mean, "what a
waste?" The referees come out...
Arnold Schwarzenegger is WALKING! And there's the Rock. And there's a
private moment between the two. Rock says it might be the End of Days for
Triple H. Schwarzenegger says he smells what he's cooking - and just
between us, there's a lot of jabrones in Hollywood, too. Rock says "hasta
la vista, baby" and can we MAKE this sound any more forced. I thought
these guys were PROFESSIONALS!!
Your hosts are a pair of kings - MICHAEL KING COLE & JERRY LAWLER. The
talk once again turns somber - to the feud between the Big Show and the
Big Bossman. Gimme a segue!
Let's Take a Special Video Look At This Whole Goldurned Feud. The Fake
Death Announcement! The Dumpster onto the Car! The Teargas! The
Sympathy Card (with rhyming..."couplets")! And now...what DO you do for
an encore? "heinous, objectionable, deplorable..."
Big Show is delivering a few words, but he's interrupted - off in the
distance, it's a sound. My God, it's FORD TIMELORD! Bossman drives an
old black'n'white police car equipped with hilariously oversized
loudspeaker (think "Blues Brothers"), does a bit of offensive talking,
then hits on the Big Show's Momma (now that she's single, maybe she'd be
interested in a "real man"). Oh, you don't bring his momma into it! Show
now over to the car, Bossman takes off and Show falls. As everyone else
in the party surrounds Show to see if he's okay, Bossman drives over,
produces a chain, secures it to the coffin ("he always wanted to be a drag
queen!") - and drives off. Show manages to climb aboard the coffin for a
bit of a toboggan run, but the ride falls short for the Show as he
eventually falls off. Bossman keeps driving.
WWF SmackDown!'s Hardass Holiday Special - this Thanksgiving - "after
Well, that's it. I am NEVER watching this show again.
Whoops, the ads are over!
TV-14-DLV ratings box brings us into REPLAYS of what we've just seen. Oh,
they're TESTING me, they REALLY are. Personally, I just can't believe how
quickly Bossman secured that other end of the chain to his car! What *I*
want to know is...where the hell was the UNDERTAKER during all this?
BIG BOSSMAN v. ACOLYTE FAAROOQ for the Hardcore Championship - Lawler sets
a record for the number of times "End of Days" is said in a minute during
the entrances. BOSSMAN ON THE STICK! "You people will have to excuse me
for being a little bit late. As you can well see, I was at a funeral I
felt obligated to attend! Shut up! See, Big Show, I mean Big Freakshow,
it doesn't matter what partners you get at Survivor Series - your chances
of beatin' me are about as stiff as your dad!" Well, I guess that
explains why he's teaming with Kaientai and the Meanie... "Bossman - you
think what you did at the Big Show's father's funeral was mean nasty and
cruel? Naw lemme tell you what's mean nasty and cruel, brotha - it's when
I take that Hardcore Belt tonight and shove it up yo ass!" Faarooq rushes
the ring and avoids the stick with a spear to take him down. Raining down
punches on him. Head to the buckle is blocked, Bossman hits a back elbow
to the gut and a right to the mush. Faarooq with a low blow, then
through the ropes. Following out - head to the commentary table. Faarooq
removing the padding from the barricade (!) - Bossman whipped into it!
Now he's got a chair...climbing onto the commentary table - almost hurting
himself in the process as the top of the table slides out from under him -
coming off with a chairshot for the Bossman. 2 count. Got half of the
STEEL steps - there's a shot - another 2. There's our good friend the
KBHK crawl as Bossman turns the tide - steps to Faarooq's head. Into the
STEEL post. Bossman has the cable - but Faarooq sidesteps the charge and
Bossman's head hits the post. Now Faarooq has the cord around Bossman's
neck. He's hanging him over the top rope and punching away. But now
PRINCE ALBERT IN A CAN is out - Faarooq gets a couple shots on him but
Albert has mace. There's another steps shot. And it's enough. 1, 2, 3.
(2:37) ACOLYTE BRADSHAW is out with a chair but Bossman sneaks off.
WHACK for Albert for good measure.
KEVIN "NAILZ" KELLY is backstage with THAT SLUT CHYNA and MISS KITTY.
Chyna says it boils down to envy. "You mean penis envy?" "No, no,
va-Chyna envy." Jericho's gonna get an equal opportunity asskicking.
Up Next: Arnold! "End of Days!" Arnold!
WWF: The Music (Volume 4) is out! Why don't you go buy it?
Another Hardass Holiday Special promo - what's that, #3? Should my spider
sense tingle when they say "after football?" I'm on the West Coast!
DON'T SCREW ME LIKE YOU DID DURING THE SUPER BOWL!
"During the Break" footage showed Chris Jericho breaking a bottle over
Chyna - then running her into a cabinet full of makeup products - then
running her across a table - then whacking her with a hair dryer. Then he
threw some other stuff on her. Needless to say, she was surprised. Kitty
screamed a lot. Umm, that's it.
Going back to real-time, the EMT's (oh yeah, including that blonde I'm
supposed to notice every single time - I'm a tool) tend to a bloodied
Chyna - who tells the camera that "he doesn't know what he's started..."
The Y2J countdown brings CHRIS THURSDAY JERICHO out to the top of the
ramp. "Chyna - what I did to you right now in the back room was a warning
- and believe me, I feel absolutely horrible that I had to do that. It
hurt me a lot more than it hurt you. But I had to stop your mockery of
this sport and its credibility. I had to stop your mocking of Chris
Jericho - I mean, let's face it, Chyna - the only reason you have that
belt around your waist - the only reason you're even in the World
Wrestling Federation is because you're a tremendous promotional tool - I
mean, you're great PR for the WWF - an inspiration to millions of women,
children and IDIOTS across the nation...I mean, you're the perfect example
that 'anything can happen in the World Wrestling Federation...even a WOMAN
can win a championship.' Well that's the biggest pile of crap I've ever
heard in my life, and the joke stops right here, right now. And if you
don't do the right thing at Survivor Series and hand over the
Intercontinental championship belt - well then, I'll have no other
alternative than to BRUTALLY and VICIOUSLY end your career, and prove to
you that I am a man, therefore I am BETTER than you...I am SMARTER than
you...and I am MUCH...SEXIER than you...and everybody here knows it - so
that's it, Chyna, that's your warning. Don't show up at Survivor Series
ready to wrestle. Show up at Survivor Series ready to bow down and kiss
the feet of the saviour of the World Wrestling Federation - Y - 2 - J!"
MARISSA MAZZOLA is backstage with Arnold Schwarzenegger. He's had a
history working out with wrestlers...he drops all the names - Harold
Sakata, Billy Graham, Bruno Sammartino, Andre the Giant, and finally Jesse
Ventura. Schwarzenegger takes credit for making Ventura, what with all
the movie roles. As an aside, let me tell you that despite that blatant
bullshit, "Running Man" IS nonetheless my favourite movie ever. Arnold
sucks up to the fans.
Over in the DX dressing room - they have unkind words for Arnold. They
won't have to wait until 24 November for a premiere - TONIGHT it's on.
"WWF Attitude" ad - I thought this game was going out of print soon?
Meanwhile, that other guy gets the same 1,023,500,000 he ALWAYS gets
playing that Lugz videogame...
And while I have you here, HOW COME that Mario characterization doesn't
seem to get the Political Correctness crowd all riled up, hmmm? Seems
rather stereotypical to ME. In fact, I think I'm offended! I'm gonna go
write a letter RIGHT NOW!!!!
Shane tells Test he can't go out there in his condition, Test begs to
differ, Rock says it doesn't matter and it's time to lay the smack down on
their candyasses. Kane says...nothin'.
Krispy M&M's, WWF: The Music (Volume 4), and the Western Union Money
Transfer bring you SmackDown!
GRAND MASTER SEXAY (with Scotty Too Hotty) v. JEFF HARDY (with Matt Hardy
& Terri) - Ten big matches for the tenth Survivor Series - it's Sunday!
Christopher shoves Taylor's hands into Terri's ass - why don't people play
those kinda jokes on ME? Jeff quickly on Christopher, Christopher quickly
sliding out of the ring. Hardy, unmoved, hits a baseball slide dropkick
and a sentonbomb over the top rope to the floor. Back in we go, but the
moves apparently had no effect, Christopher hits a punch, and another -
off the ropes, reversal, shoulderblock, up and over, leapfrog, Christopher
catches him, Hardy up to his feet, Christopher with a backdrop suplex.
Here's a doublefeature of Hardy almost breaking his neck like he regularly
does. Whip into the corner is reversed, but Christopher puts up a
superkick to stop Hardy's charge. What will DX do to "End of Days" star
Arnold Schwarzenegger? What's it got to do with this match? Who can say.
There's a suplex I used to know the name of but haven't seen in
forever...for 2. Head to the buckle. Multiple punches - snapmare -
second rope missile dropkick to the back of the head which nearly
decapitates him. Christopher back over to the corner- but he delayed.
Jeff with a low blow, top rope Frankensteiner - 1, 2, no. Jeff climbing
to the top - Taylor trying to hold the ankle but Hardy shakes him off and
he falls to the floor. Here's a crossbody - but referee "Blind" Teddy
Long is over dealing with Terri on the apron. Taylor is in but his elbow
only finds his partner! Hardy dumps a charging Taylor over the top rope
to the floor. Finally, Long is over to count - 1, 2, no. In the corner,
Christopher whipped over. Matt is in to provide an all-fours boost - but
Christopher sidesteps it - Jeff stops on the second turnbuckle - to the
top - flip up an over - Christopher pushes Matt into Jeff and they collide
hard. Matt falls outside while Christopher hits a Flatliner on Jeff for
the pin. (3:33)
Arnold is still ... WALKING! Found his way to Steve Austin, he has...God,
you can just hear both of them getting sick as they spit out these lines.
Here's an "End of Days" ad, just in case you don't Get It by now. It
opens 24 November!! It's so big it has to open on a WEDNESDAY!!
Here's an exterior. Oh, hey, it's the Baltimore Arena! Back inside...
Hey, look! Some BALTIMORE RAVENS got good seats!
BILLIONAIRE VINCE is out with a (blue) championship belt - I wonder if
maybe an honourary champ will be crowned right now. Let's get the
perfunctory '97 Survivor Series mentions out of the way. "Ladies and
gentlemen, you've seen my next guest battle Barbarians, you've seen him
destroy Terminators...annihilate Predators...you've even seen Jamie Lee
Curtis do a striptease at 'True Lies' in front of him...but you ain't seen
nothin' yet, as the expression goes...until November 24, when you see,
ladies and gentlemen, Arnold Schwarzenegger's newest film, 'End of Days.'
Believe me, Satan has met his match. So if you would, give a rousing WWF
welcome to the greatest single box office attraction in the world today -
ladies 'n' gentlemen, ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER!" And here *is* ol'
Ham'n'egger, fists triumphantly raised. There's a shot of DX looking on
from their dressing room. "I am here...to pump you up!" Oh great, now
I'M stealing from him. "Arnold, in recognition of your status as the
undisputed heavyweight box office champion of the world, it is my pleasure
on behalf of WWF fans all over the world to present to you this World
Wrestling Federation championship belt. Arnold, of course, proudly
displays the belt...upside down. I can't help but notice that it's one of
the "old logo" belts...but it would be CYNICAL of me to point out that
Vince kinda had this thing lying around, with nothing better to do with
it...so I won't say that it's not like...no, never mind. Watching Arnold
give an acceptance speech, I'm drawn to the cleavage of that one chick in
the front row. Whoops.
Here's some more footage from "End of Days." Oh look, Kevin Pollak.
"Let's hear it for 'End of Days' - and Arnold Schwarzenegger!" Amazingly,
this segment ends without incident...although, we cut back to the DX
dressing room to see some complainin' folks - Triple H is paraphrased
thusly: "I bust my ass for years to get that title and that jackass just
has one HANDED to him?"
Survivor Series - sooner or later
WWF Slam Cam ad - "awesome!"
When we come back, we see the four members of DX poised and at the ready,
but the guy they jump isn't Ah-nold...even after they figure this out -
they beat him down some more. Always good for a laugh.
IVORY (with her incredibly annoying scarf) v. TORI for the Women's
championship - backstage, we see DX WALKING the halls looking for Ah-nold.
Sunday, Ivory, Jacqueline, Terri and Luna team up against Tori, Mae Young,
Fabulous Moolah and Debra in a one-fall sudden death match. I am
experiencing fear. "Ivory's in the mood for a title fight tonight! So
whaddaya say, Tori? If you can drag yourself out from underneath that big
red retard boyfriend of yours for a minute, how about a little tangle? I
hear she's into smoked sausage...hahahaha..." Tori in with the spear,
hairpull takeover, again, DE-BRA (!) is out, hairpull takeover, LUNA TUNES
& JACQUELINE are out, cover, 2 count. The women surround the ring - off
the ropes, head down, face to the canvas by Ivory as we see MAE YOUNG &
FABULOUS MOOLAH slowly make their way to the ring. When Cole says
"Wrapped up Ivory'n'a kickout after two," Cole actually slurs it enough to
make me thing I hear the name "Rena" in there. Here's TERRI out to
account for everybody in this match. Tori clotheslines Ivory VERY SLOWLY
over the top rope - she ends up running into Young - Moolah hits a right
hand, Ivory takes out Young. When Ivory goes back in the ring, Moolah and
Young are also in the ring. Referee "Blind" Jim Korderas gives up on this
(DQ 1:16) and now six women are in - while Debra and Terri, who I'm pretty
sure can't wrestle, exchange half-hearted shoves on the outside. I
guarantee this match at Survivor Series will suck but at least it'll suck
in a car accident sorta way - we'll all have to slow down to look.
DX hasn't found Ah-nold - but they DID find Kane - then Shane - then the
Rock. Hoo boy we'll have some excitement during the big elimination match
- *IF* the referees and officials can get them separated during this ad
The JVCkaboom!box Kaboom! of the week is the Rock's uranage on X-Pac to
win his match on Monday, followed by a DX beatdown and Pedigree.
Why, look! ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER has joined the commentary team at
ringside. And not surprisingly, he SUCKS at commentary!
SKIPPY & KANE & TEST & LA ROCA v. D-GENERATION X in an elimination match -
backstage, we hear that Test can't compete - his nose is broken.
Entrances take long enough for Arnold to say about fifteen things he
should be embarrassed for tomorrow morning. The final entrance is given
to the Special Enforcer, STONE COLD STEVE AUSTIN, who takes a seat next to
the timekeeper...and a cooler full of beers. As soon as the bell rings, a
Pier Seven brawl erupts and referee "Blind" Earl Hebner has trouble
keeping order. Crowd chants "Rock E." Kane and X-Pac on the outside -
now all the way back behind the curtain. Rock has Triple H into the STEEL
steps. Austin over to check - then goes back to his seat. Apparently,
it's a double countout on Kane and X-Pac, even though they weren't the
legal men at the time. (about 4:00) Shane and Triple H in the ring.
Arnold marveling at the realisticness of the punches - somebody should
tell this guy that it's all fake already. Off the ropes, high knee from
H. Tag to Ass. Open shot - doubleteam until Austin points his finger.
Outlaws give a return match to Snow & Mankind Sunday. Jackhammer, and an
elbowdrop for 2 - Rock makes the save. Triple H in behind the ref's back
(although in plain sight on the OvalTron, just to the right of the
entryway) choking away. There's a legal tag when he turns back around.
Dogg whips Shane into the ropes, reversal, Annoying Spear, and Shane on
him with rights. Elbow off the ropes. Have I mentioned that Arnold
should SHUT THE HELL UP. Eyepoke to regain control. Tag to Ass. Head to
the buckle. Back into the unfriendly corner, tag to Triple H. Right
hand. "Vince...this your boy right here Vince?" Right hand. Stomp.
Rock reaching for the tag - Triple H taunting him, now here's a shot to
get the Rock out to where he'll distract the ref. Austin tells Dogg that
the doubleteam is a bad idea. Back into the corner, right, right, somehow
Shane turns it around and wails away. Off the ropes, duck, left, left,
dancing, right. Gutshot - pumphandle - dry humping him - Rock is in with
a clothesline to prevent the slam. But while Hebner gets Rock back in his
corner, Ass is in with a Fame'Asser - Dogg covers - 1, 2, 3. (6:53) Now
it's three on one. Crowd chants "Rock E." but Test is actually out now
and it's three on two. Still, three is more than two, and soon enough
it's Rock taken outside by Mr. Ass and to the barricade. He's got a chair
- WHACK on Test. Hebner, somehow, actually SEES this and disqualifies
Gunn (DQ 8:03) Austin more than happy to help enforce. Still, Dogg is
covering - 1, 2, no! Dogg up slowly - climbing to the second rope - Test
is up and gets a boot up on his way down. Both men down and the count is
on. Turn up that "Rock E" chant again. Hot tag to the Rock! Right,
right, right, kick, DDT, doesn't matter which man gets what - Triple H
breaks up the count, but Rock peppers HIM with more rights - Road Dogg
runs into Rock Bottom for 3. (9:33) Triple H with the sneak attack. On
him with rights - off the ropes, head down, swinging neckbreaker from the
Rock - but only 2. Tag to Test - right hands and elbows to the champ -
but Triple H comes back with a Golota. Cover - Rock breaks the count at
2. Rock and Triple H fighting, Rock thrown out, Triple H with a shot to
Hebner (!) to take HIM out of the ring. Now Triple H outside but Austin
is over - but unfortunately Austin's chair misses and hits *the Rock*
instead! If you've been taking drinks every time Schwarzenegger says
"extraordinary," you're dead by now. H flings Austin into the ring after
a gutshot. Arnold drops the headset and passes another chair in to
Austin. Triple H is in - whack - Tes covers - Austin makes the count - 1,
2, 3. (10:09) Test and Rock are your survivors, even as Test is the only
one up. Test's music plays as Schwarzenegger attempts to explain himself.
Helmsley is over - Schwarzenegger ducks a looping right, then opens a can
of Whoopass (mit umlauts!) on Helmsley. Austin over to finish the job and
hog some glory. Sure, play his music, why not? Austin and Schwarzenegger
pose in the ring and drink beer. Cole says "End of Days" one more time.
Am I nuts or did I only see one "Bikini Biker Beach Bash" promo in two
Am I also nuts or did this NOT look like the spoilers that the
oh-so-reputable, credibility-laden, not-bush-league-at-all WrestleLine
posted back on Wednesday? Haw haw.
Whatever...I'm outta here, baby. SEE YOU SUNDAY!
Christopher Robin Zimmerman