by Christopher Robin Zimmerman
KINGS UPDATE: 12-4! Once again in first place! Tied with (and also one
game behind) the Blazers and the Lakers. That game on Wednesday with the
Lakers on TBS was a lot of fun to watch, wasn't it? But somebody needs to
tell John Thompson that there were eight guys out there not named Kobe
Bryant or Jason Williams. What a maroon.
Corliss Williamson, the REAL "Big Nasty," had something to say about pro
wrestling when he answered some fan email for NBA.com, check it
out. A probably-fascinating-to-no-one-but-myself bit of trivia - Corliss
and I went to SuperBrawl VII in the same bus as part of a contest for a
Sacramento sports talk station. He got a better seat than I did, though.
In the interests of full disclosure, NBA.com is run by a competitor to the
parent of WrestleLine, who are real sports for letting the link go
through. They ALSO enjoy it when they don't have to hear me bitch.
SPEAKING OF SEGUE: Hello! The BIG SECRET in the teaser was NOT that Al
Snow tossed the bio - the Wheel of Fortune booking made sure we all saw
THAT coming - no, the big secret was that the Big Show was born out of
wedlock! Sheesh! Get with the program! Come ON!
AWARDS: I'm REALLY behind schedule. It's really rather embarrassing.
We'll see if I can catch up and have better news Monday - but don't count
IT'S THE END (OF THE YEAR): I need some volunteers to help compile my Year
in Quotes. Who wants to read old, old reports and pick out the funny
bits? Send me an email. Monday I'll dig up last year's version (complete
with nostalgic WM graphics!) and throw you a link...if they LET me...
MAD PROPS: and no witty comment to Matt DeBarger. Thanks, dude!
Let's get to the show!
Opening Credits and Closed Captioned symbol
FIREWORKS! Welcome again to the show that never...naw. En Espanol Donde
Sea Disponible! The Fleet Center in Boston, MA is SOLD OUT for the
9.12.99 (taped Pearl Harbour Day) edition of WWF SmackDown! only on UPN!
ROAD DOGG v. CHRIS THURSDAY JERICHO - In this TV-PG world, it sure seems
like they say "B.A. Billy Gunn" a lot more than "Mr. Ass" - you notice
that? Dogg rhymes a bit and shticks a bit more. Jericho, however, gets
the transcription treatment. "Let me talk about Armageddon. The end of
time. The end of the world as we know it, but in this case, the end of
that grotesque freak of nature, Chyna's, pathetic wrestling career.
Chyna, there's nothing you can do about it - just shut your mouth and
remember, 'thumb's the word.' Ha-HA! And Road Dogg, since I needed a
warmup match for Armageddon, and since I'm beating up a long-haired,
tattooed, effiminate loser of a wrestler, I figure that tonight, I would
face ANOTHER long-haired, tattooed, effiminate LOSER of a wrestler, and
quite honestly, you fit the bill. So you wanna talk about doggy-style,
well tonight prepared to be destroyed by AYATOLLAH STYLE." Before Jericho
enters the ring, THAT SLUT CHYNA makes an entrance and takes the third
headset at the commentary table. Lockup, to the corner, rolling around,
to another corner - Jericho gets out a slap as they break, now trading
punches, off the ropes, reversed, shoulderblock by Dogg. Up and over off
the ropes, leapfrom by Jericho, lunging at him, into a hot shot. Dogg
with a right that takes him down. Jericho reverses a whip and hits a heel
kick, then nips up as Dogg goes outside. WWF officials apparently ruled
there would be no DX interference tonight. Jericho runs at the ropes and
hits a pescado on the fly. Outside, Jericho on him with punches, to the
barricade, but as he tries to get a running start off the steps, Dogg
steps aside and puts Jericho into the barricade. But Jericho punches
back, trading blows, to the eyes, Jericho with a snap suplex. Back in the
ring we go - Jericho up in the corner - but he spots Chyna. He makes the
"break in half" pantomime - then blows her a kiss. Back up on the apron
and climbing the corner - but Dogg is up and meets him with a dropkick on
his way down. Off the ropes, Jericho slides under but pops up into the
left, left, left, juke, jive, right, off the ropes, wiggly wobbly wooqly
kneedrop combo that we all know and love for 2. Jericho reversing an
Irish whip into the corner and coming out with a bulldog. Lionsault! 1,
2, 3! Oops, Dogg's foot was on the rope but referee "Blind" Tim White
didn't see it. Too Bad! (2:57) Chyna's up on the apron, however - of
COURSE White's just gonna BELIEVE her. White restarts the match - Jericho
takes a swipe at Chyna, missing, then turns around into an inside cradle -
near fall. Jericho with rights, off the ropes, reversed - Dogg's got him
in the pumphandle, no dry hump, there's the slam, Jericho's foot on the
ropes but Chyna knocks if off - 1, 2, 3! (3:49) Of COURSE White's not
gonna notice. Dogg wins and Chyna's laughin'. So, doesn't this
constitute "DX interference?" I think somebody needs to get suspended!
Anyway, here's your replay. Jericho still throwing a Class A tantrum.
In the McMahon's office, Vince tells us the contract will be signed, but
you never know...a knock on the door stops him. Shane goes to get
it...Vince says "be careful there, Champ (or is it "Shemp?")" But it's
only Test. He'd like a moment alone with Stephanie - Vince offers the use
of this office - he, Linda and Shane leave the room, but that RUDE, RUDE
WWF cameraman sticks around...
"To what lengths will a man go to avenge his only daughter?" Find out
Sunday - at WWF Armageddon! It's No Holds Barred!
When we come back, it's just Test and Stephanie - and you and me and that
cameraman. "Steph, I know it's taking me a long time to come to you but
it's been a rough, real rough couple days - I mean, I need to clear my
head, I can't even imagine what you're going through - and this is really
hard, but I think it's best for everybody if we - if we just call the
engagement off for now." "I guess if that's really the way you feel, then
maybe you should have this back. I'm so sorry...(something obscured by
sobbing)..I never meant for it to be this way - I never meant for it to be
like this." The ring changes hands back to Test. Steph and Test take
turns fighting back tears. "Steph, I still care about you." "You know
it's kinda funny - is that, this is the place that you first asked me
out." "Steph, I just want you to know that I will always care about you."
Hey, they're gonna kiss! Oh, but X-Pac busts in - "Hohoho! Hey what are
you doin' with my best friend's wife, man?" Test says this is a private
situation - yeah, between him, Stephanie and this camerman. Leave or
suffer the consequences...I wonder if we're setting up a match here.
OLYMPIC GOLD MEDALIST AND CELEBRATED REAL ATHLETE KURT ANGLE & STEVE
BLACKMAN (with Riggs & Murtaugh) v. DUDLEY BOYZ - oh, apparently they're
already booked. Oh well. "First of all, I would like...FIRST of all, I
would like everyone here in Boston to know that if you follow my three I's
(intensity, integrity and intelligence), you can accomplish ANYTHING you
want - you could. And if you follow my three I's, then maybe someday even
THIS town could win a World Series - you could, you could. Now I wanna
introduce my nemesis and tag team partner, the Lethal Weapon Steve
Blackman!" Is it just me, or did Blackman only go back to the baton
demonstration after Kid Romeo started doing his weak-ass glowstick
demonstration on Worldwide and Saturday Night? Hey look, there's NOMAR
GARCIAPARRA in the crowd! SmackDown! for Trenton sold old in 41 minutes,
we are told. Angle says he'll start - him and D-Von. D-Von gets on all
fours and dares Angle to mount him. Mat wrestling?!? What show is this?
Angle calmly takes him down with a waistlock, then floatsover into a
cradle for 2. Back up we go - D-Von asks Angle to give him a shot at it.
Angle complies - then D-Von just stomps away on him. Ha! Right cross.
Off the ropes, Angle ducks, waistlock into a suplex - just dropped him on
his head! To his corner, tag to Blackman, open shot, kick, kick,
dropkick. Blackman looking crsip. Off the ropes, but D-Von gets in a
kick and tags out to his half brother. Roundhouse misses from Blackman,
right misses from Buh Buh Ray, off the ropes, there's a spinning heel
kick. To the ropes, working him over with quick strikes and a kick, tag
to Angle, double whip, double back elbow. Angle with a right, right, now
trading blows, off the rope is reversed, Angle ducks, big back body drop.
Clothesline, there's a chop to Blackman, ensuring that referee "Blind"
Teddy Long will be distracted just long enough for the totally illegal
headbutt to the open crotch by D-Von. Now he's giving last rites - but
Angle pops up at 2. Tag to Buh Buh Ray, open shot. To the ropes,
open-handed gunshot slap. Right, scoop - and a slam. Off the ropes but
the splash misses. Tag to Blackman! Clothesline! Dropkick! Now a
gutshot to D-Von! Dropkick! Kick to Buh Buh Ray, tag, got him in the
corner - belly-to-belly from the second rope! Angle celebrating quite a
bit when he should be covering, so Blackman tags Angle (much to his
dismay) - while they have a chat, D-Von is back in and pushing Blackman
into Angle (both men's backs turned) - and then Blackman tastes the 3D.
B.B. Ray covers - 1, 2, 3. (4:06) Angle demands the mic. "I just wanna
say for the record - that was not my loss! That was Steve Blackman's
loss! For the record, I am still defeated in the World Wrestling
Federation!" Then he takes down Blackman with a fireman's carry. Angle's
music plays. Well, I guess this team's done.
Here we are at a club - the X Change? Does it matter? Guess not. What
DOES matter is who's IN this house - Too Cool and Rikishi. Grandmaster
Sexy says it's on like neckbone - hey! That's Booker T.'s line! Hey,
Rikishi shouldn't be smoking - should he?
Your hosts are a pair of kings - MICHAEL KING COLE & JERRY LAWLER.
Tonight, the big contract signing between Triple H and Vince McMahon!
X-Pac takes on Test! Former best friends collide when Al Snow takes on
Mankind! Mr. Ass vs. the Rock! AND if that wasn't enough, Triple H takes
on Kane! Stick around.
The Lugz Boot of the Week is X-Pac's boots to Tori - but not the
broncobuster - Kane caught him and threw him halfway across the ring.
"WWF SmackDown is sports entertainment featuring trained professionals.
Any attempt to perform the moves or stunts you see tonight could result in
serious physical injury." (But probably not - go ahead, kids!)
KEVIN "NAILZ" KELLY takes us back to RAW where we learned that in the Four
Corners Evening Gown match for the WWF Women's title, Ivory, B.B. and
Jacqueline would be joined by Miss Kitty - who apparently doesn't wear
underwear now. In a few moments, Kelly says he'll have a few words with
Miss Kitty - who apparently is in a stunning evening gown. Then he does
some funky stuff with his eyebrows to let you know where HIS mind is gonna
be - hey, Kevin, come on! This is a TV-PG rated show!
CHRISTIAN v. BRITISH BULLDOG for the European Championship - Let Us Take
You Back to Last Week where Edge jacked up his knee - I'd tell you it's a
fake injury but you wouldn't BELIEVE me - but keep in mind he's gonna be
in that Highlander film...anyway, as Bulldog walks the aisle the entire
arena turns orange and a stranage symbol appears on the OvalTron...but
only briefly. Lockup, Christian shoved into the corner. Lockup again,
down he goes. Lockup, side headlock from the Bulldog, powering out off
the ropes, shoulderblock. Up and over, leapfrog, hiplock block, Bulldog
gets one of his own. Christian puts up the boots - arm drag into an
armbar. Bulldog to the corner. Whip out is reversed, boots up by
Christian, charging - into a press slam. There's a clothesline. Half
hour suplex! Cover - but only 2. European forearm. Into one corne,r and
the other - Christian manages a Russian legsweep. Ducking the
clothesline, there's a dropkick. Off the ropes, boot in the midsection,
swinging neckbreaker for 2. Off the ropes, reversed, Bulldog presses him,
but Christian gets free and hits a Slop Drop. Now setting him up for the
Tomokaze, but the MEAN STREET POSSE is out (DQ 2:32). BALD VENIS is
out...now D'LO BROWN is also out. Just as well that Christian didn't win
the title - he'd probably end up jobbing it out to Dwayne Gill or
something. Anyway, Sunday will see a Triple Threat Euro title match twixt
Bulldog, Venis and Brown, okay.
Kevin Kelly interview MISS KITTY, who just KNOWS she's gonna win this.
Kelly openly stifles laughter, then asks about her gown on Sunday. Kitty
says this is serious business, and after she wins the title, they're not
gonna call her Miss Kitty - they're gonna call her the Cat. What, and
she'll be a three-time world karate champion? Kelly tells her she better
wear some underwear Sunday. Kitty rips (claws?) off his shirt to show
what the Cat can do. Or something. Kelly's wearing a T-shirt underneath,
disappointing millions of women - and three guys.
Back at the club, it's time for Scotty Too Hottie to break 'em off some,
word. And we all thought that breakdancing was dead!
Let Us Take You Back To RAW where Big Bossman coaxed Mrs. Wight into
revealing a blockbuster secret - THIS time, every instance of the word
"bastard" is beeped out. Funny, they said it on the "Unky Herb" episode
of the Simpsons...
Tonight, WWF SmackDown! is brought to you by the WWF Slam Cam, WWF: The
Music (Volume 4 - available at all Camelot, Coconuts and Record Town
stores!), and Capcom's "Resident Evil 3"
BIG BOSSMAN & PRINCE ALBERT v. HARDY BOYZ (with Nipples) - we learn that
the Show is with his mother tonight, and not in the arena. "Hey Big Show
- I mean, Big Freakshow! I guess the question on everyone's mind is -
who's your daddy, punk?" Ha! Bossman and Jeff Hardy start. Lockup,
Bossman shoves him down. Cole says Big Show HAS just pulled into the
Fleet Center. Hmmm, coincidence! Kick, hairpull takedown from the
Bossman. Hardy with quick rights and a dropkick but Albert gets in a kick
as he goes off the ropes, and Bossman hits a big back body drop. Matt's
in with a flying clothesline out of the corner. Backstage, we see that
the Big Show is indeed here - and he's WALKING! Back to action, Albert
in, missing a double clothesline. Double gutshot from the Hardys - double
suplex! Time for some all fours assisted leg lariats. As the Hardys
stomp away on the Bossman, WELL IT'S THE BIG SHOW is out and heading for
Bossman. Prince Albert meets him - and goes down with one right hand.
Show gently pushes the Hardys aside and kicks away. Beals him across the
ring! Bossman goes outside, but Show follows. Only a timely nightstick
in the man ensemble from Prince Albert gives them the chance to make
haste. Show quickly recovers (hmmm, maybe a little TOO quickly - you
know) and the chase is on. Backstage, we see Albert and Bossman get in
the waiting car and drive off. Bossman yells to nobody (or the camerman)
that it'll all be over Sunday... Oh, the match? (DQ? under 2:00)
"TitanTron Live" ad - hell YEAH we're gonna advertise toys during a TV-PG
Wow, Nicole Bobek is so fine. But I STILL probably can't be bothered to
watch "the Nutcracker on Ice."
Al Snow is WALKING! Let's Take a Special Video Look at the emotional
story of jealousy, rage, and a friendship gone sour - between Al Snow and
Mankind. Man, they sure make it look like there's a lot of continuity
here, don't they? Hell, maybe there is...
MANKIND (with homemade TV-PG-DLV ratings box) v. AL SNOW (with Head) -
Mankind turns his back and invites the open shot - and Snow WAILS away on
him. Mankind not fighting back at all here. Head to the buckle. Rights,
choke, "I'm your friend!" Yeah, you can tell the way he's laying into
him. Outside we go - we really ARE turning the hour, I guess - there's
station identification! Mankind's head to the table. Right, right,
right, Cole says Snow just said "Can't you see I love you?" You always
hurt.... whipped into the barricade. Snow sets up a chair for an Arabian
move of some sort, but it's too far away. Mankind meets him at the bottom
of his jump with an elbow. Mankind's gonna fight back now - to the apron,
to the table. Whip into the STEEL steps and Snow rolls back in. Mankind
asks referee "Blind" Mike Chioda to go see if he's okay. Mankind in the
ring - now HE'S checking out Snow. Snow clotheslines him down. Stomping
away. Cole said "ECW!" Off the ropes, back elbow. Snow chokes him with
the top rope. Off the ropes, head down, kik from Mankind. There's a
clothesline that takes both men over the top rope to the floor. Mankind
back in the ring - but he's runnig the ropes - baseball slide dropkick!
Mankind out again - but Snow backdrops him over the table! Snow over the
table and now punching away. Choking him with the mic cable! Back to the
ring, finally, and Snow appropriates a chair on his way back in. Chioda
wrests it from him - well, no he doesn't - but Mankind gets in his shot
before Snow can use the chair. Succession of rights from Mankind -
running knee into the corner! Mankind slapping Snow in the face, off the
ropes, reversed, duck, gutshot, double underhook DDT! Going for the
sock...but Mankind changes his mind and puts it back. Now he holds the
chair....Chioda urging him not to do it - having a good long think about
it - just enough time for Snow to hit him in the jimmy, grab the chair and
take it to Foley's skull. (DQ 5:19) There's a DDT on the chair. Now
Snow ramming Mankind's head repeatedly into the chair. Snow with the
maniacal smile that we all love...stomping away. Now he's back up the
Shane tells Vince that he can't make the mistake Mick just made - if he
gets the shot, WHAM! Vince promises he'll be heartless. Another knock at
the door, but this time it's Patterson & Brisco - it's time for the
MechWarrior 3 brings us the WWF Rewind - from RAW, Triple H crafts some
stipulations - then kisses Stephanie while Vince emotes on.
"No Chance in Hell" brings the McMAHON FAMILY, PAT PATTERSON & GERALD
BRISCO to the ring. "Triple H - ahh, this is going to be quite an
occasion. This Sunday - Armageddon - Triple H and me, no holds barred. I
can't wait. Notwithstanding the fact that I'll get a lot of personal
pleasure out of this matchup, most importantly, a recent provision added
by Triple H will also give me great pleasure, and that is the annulment
provision. That means that after I defeat Triple H this Sunday he will no
longer be a member of my family, and to me, that's like cutting cancer out
of my body. So let's get this formality - this contract signing over
with, Triple H. Come on out - let's do this." While TREBLE H walks out,
will someone explain to me what the deal is - does that TOP just expire
Sunday or what? "Did I hear you right - say 'formality?' Did you just
call this a formality, let's get that out of the way? Vince, I want you
to understand something - I want you to understand the significance of
signing these papers. When these are signed, these guarantee a lot of
things. The first thing they guarantee me is they guarantee me the World
Wrestling Federation championship, because it's as simple as this, Vince -
all I need is one shot. This gives me one shot, and that means it's as
good as mine. The other thing it guarantees, Vince, is it guarntees me
the opportunity to beat your ass worse than it's ever been beaten before.
Vince, understand that when you sign this document, you face me - you face
The Game in a no holds barred match. One of the most dangerous matches in
the world - why? Because I can do anything to you I damn well please.
And Vince...last but not least, these papers, when signed, guarantee me a
lifetime of wedded bliss with your daughter Stephanie. So understand,
this is not just a formality - this is a momentous occasion, and I think
everybody here can feel it - I know *I* can feel it, as I stand here
before the McMahon family - one of the most successful families in the
history of American business - a family that I am OH SO PROUD to be a
member of. And Vince, how successful at business you are - and you know,
like father, like son - I'm pretty successful in business myself - in
fact, I just completed one of my most successful business ventures to date
when I married your daughter - the stock options alone, Vince, oh my God!
You wouldn't believe - oh no wait, you would believe. Vince what would
you say your most successful business moment has been?" "I haven't had it
yet - it's gonna be this Sunday when I dismember you! THAT'S GONNA BE THE
MOST SUCCESSFUL THING I'VE EVER DONE IN MY LIFE! 'Cause it'll guarantee
that you go right down to the bottom where you belong and it'll guarantee
my daughter's freedom!" "Well, since you understand what this means, and
since I've reviewed it and everything seems to be in order, I'm gonna come
on down there, and let's get to signing--oh, whoa, wait
waitwaitwaitwaitwaitwait one second, heh heh, I just remembered a little
something - that whole fifty foot restraining order thing. You see if I
come down there, then you gotta come up here, and then the whole thing's
rather silly. I mean, after all you cannot come within fifty feet of me,
otherwise you'd be arrested on sight." "Bring me the papers you damn
coward!" "No I've got a better idea Vince, because I don't want you to
miss Sunday because I'm gonna to enjoy every minute of it, so I've got a
better idea. Why don't you send my oh so beautiful wife up here and I
will personally hand her these papers and maybe she can get herself a
little smooch to go with it." Shane says he'll go instead. "Shane's not
quite the guy I had in mind to smooch with! Easy now tough guy - get the
glare outta your stare - there you go." Shane backs down the ramp, not
taking his eyes of him. "Come on, hustle errand boy, I don't have all
day!" Vince takes the contract, turns to the last page... "You haven't
signed these papers, you're supposed to sign them - you haven't signed
them!" "You know, I figured you'd be smarter than that. After all, I
learned from the best - never sign first, Vince - always sign last! Sign
the papers and bring 'em to me and then I'll sign." Vince DOES sign, and
Shane delivers the clipboard and pen back to H. "They're signed - now
your fate's gonna be sealed, tough guy." "I hope I can write - I am
shaking really bad." Triple H signs the contract. "There you go, kid -
bring these back to your old man." And then he WAYLAYS him with the mic.
Shane tries to fight back but the rest of DX is out and it's a four-on-one
beatdown. Patterson & Brisco try to help but the Outlaws stave them off.
"Watch and see what happens to you on Sunday Vince!" and he tosses Shane
off the stage. Sean with a beautiful somersault onto the table and
through it. Everybody runs over to Shane. "Vince - Vince! I've got your
papers signed for ya - see ya Sunday, old man! See ya Sunday,
sweetheart!" The contract is tossed at Shane. The EMT's are out and you
KNOW it's serious 'cause B.B. is out! Geez, they shouldn't pick him up
THAT way if his back is hurt...
Let Us Take You Back to Moments Ago as a variety of angles capture Triple
H tossing Shane off the stage through the table. I like the reaction of
that stagehand who was sitting at the table. There's an iso of Vince
Backstage, Vince tells Shane he feels responsible for what happened.
Shane says he's not responsible for this - he wants Vince to promise that
he'll give Triple H what he's got coming to him - take him out.
X-PAC v. TEST - hey, you want THUNDER! to be competitive again? Maybe it
would help if you aired it at 8 in the Pacific timezone instead of airing
the replay at almost 10. Then again, maybe it wouldn't. Anyway, Test's
entrance is interrupted by the Orangeness Of It All. Test goes ahead and
charges X-Pac, ignoring that strange symbol. X-Pac quickly to the
outside. Test waiting for him to get back in. Spit in his face! Test
decides maybe he WILL come outside after all (over the top rope, natch) -
the chase is on - X-Pac stops short and takes Test into the STEEL steps.
Referee "Blind" Tim White puts on the count. 7, 8, 9...Test barely beats
it in the ring. X-Pac stomping away. Snapmares him over, lightning
legdrop. Got him in a headlock - Test elbows out, takes him off the
ropes, X-Pac ducks and hits a spinning heel kick - for 2. In the corner,
patented series of three kicks - time for the broncobuster - but Test just
gets out of the way and 'Pac sings soprano. Test coming
back..."Iblockyourpunchyoudon'tblockmine." Right, right, off the ropes,
duck, sidewalk slam with a full rotation. Pumphandle - but X-Pac scoots
out. Test beals him into tthe corner, though - Ten Punch Count Along
stopped at four with a Golota. X Factor! 1, 2, 3! (2:58) Well, that
was a surprise. Say, if X-Pac can beat a big man in Test, maybe he has a
chance against Kane! The words "yeah, right" come to mind, but...
Meanwhile, back in the club, it's time for Grandmaster Sexay to bust the
Shane still being worked on in the office on a stretcher. Vince promises
that Triple H will pay - tonight.
Meanwhile, back in the club, it's Rikishi's turn. But he's not down with
Rob Base & DJ EZ Rock, so Grandmaster produces a "WWF: The Music (Volume
4) CD. The original Too Cool theme plays (hmmm, I don't recall that being
on MY copy - must be my fuzzy memory) - Rikishi and some fine lookin'
women essentially do a line dance, then some clothes are removed so we can
look at Rikishi's as. As Rikishi heads over to the bar to get a drink,
he's hit from behind with Scale Holly (as wielded by Hardcore and Crash
Holly). Funny how the music stops right when he's hit, isn't it? "Your
dancin' days are over, fat boy!" Then they pour a glass of wine on him.
The bouncers escort the Holly cousins out of the building as Too Cool come
over to tend to their man.
The Rock - IS - WALKING!
One more Armageddon spot
Whoa, Chris Webber AND "Peter Piper!" NBA JAM 2000 must be the COOLEST
GAME ON EARTH!
There's a look at the famous Old North Church - what did they call it when
it was new? Hey, Boston's got a pretty nice skyline there...why don't
they ever do exterior shots during WCW shows?
LA ROCA v. KING ASS - this Monday, the Rock will appear at the Miami Heat
Team Store as RAW tickets go on sale - what, just three weeks before the
show? Now THAT'S confidence! "Finally, the Rock has come back to Boston!
Now seeing as the Rock is the People's Champion - and the People consist
of the millions...of Rock's fans, there is one big Rock fan here tonight
who some of you may know - and his name is Nomar Garciaparra!" We take a
look at Nomar, who is striking a pose with sunglasses and eyebrow. "And
tonight's opponent is a jabrone who is one half of the WWF tag team
champions, Billy Gunn. So the Rock says Billy Gunn, come down to the
People's ring, so the Rock can do to you exactly what he does best, and
that is layeth the smacketh down - 1, 2, 3. And then, the Rock, Nomar,
we're going to take Billy to a very special place here in Boston...no,
Nomar, it is not the Kitty Kat Klub, but it is somewhere much more special
than that - a place you're familiar with called Fenway Park. And as the
Rock, Nomar and Billy stand on the pitcher's mound admiring the Green
Monster...we will then go in to the Red Sox dugout, and the Rock will
select a bat. And Nomar, the Rock wants you to do something very special
with that bat for our friend Billy - the Rock says he wants you to shine
it up real nice...keep shining it...take all the splinters out, give it
back to the Rock, so the Rock can put some pine tar on it, turn that
sum(beep) sideways, and stick it straight up...if ya smelllllalalalalow
what the Rock is cookin'!" Hey, he let the crowd say "candyass" 'cause
this is a TV-PG rated show, you know. Quite a few words are exchanged,
probably something along the lines of "thanks for giving me the rub - you
know Austin wouldn't" - no, I'm kidding. Rock with
"Iblockyourpunchyoudon'tblockmine," right, right, over the rope goes Gunn,
right to the floor. Rock outside. Scoop - Gunn out, got him up and down
on the barricade. Both men back in. Kick, kick, kick, right, right,
right, off the ropes, reveresd, duck, duck again, but Rock hits a Samoan
drop, then floats over for 2. Right hand, into the corner, reversed,
whipped into referee "Blind" Earl Hebner, who crashes like a ton of
bricks. Two rights by the Rock, whip is reversed, gutshot, Fame'Asser!
Geez, one minute in, Herb, and they're acting like it's been twenty. Gunn
covers but Hebner's out. Gunn getting his attention - 1....2.....no!
Like Mr. Ass is gonna pin the Rock in 80 seconds. Gunn whips Rock,
reversed, and another collision with Hebner. Rock with a spinebuster.
People's elbow? Yup. 1, 2, 3. (1:59) I haven't seen a match that
crappy in ... at LEAST a half an hour!
Linda McMahon is WALKING! She comes across Brisco & Patterson - "have you
guys seen Vince? I'm just really worried about what he might do."
Patterson tries to assure Linda that he's just taking a little walk to
calm down, he's fine. Brisco tries to assure Linda that they're just
getting him some coffee. Do those two stories jibe? Anyway, Linda asks
them to find Vince, and they say they will. Then Patterson makes a weird
face - must be from his close proximity to a woman or something. Hey,
SOMEBODY'S gotta pick up the banner around here.
And now it's time for the Smack of the Night - presented by Western Union
Money Transfer! Of COURSE it's Triple H tossing Shane McMahon off the
stage. "Vince - I've got your papers signed for ya."
MechWarrior 3 presents WWF Armageddon this Sunday - LIVE - and only on
TREBLE H. (with water) v. KANE (with Tori) - H already getting into it
with Earl Hebner, who hasn't worked two matches in a row for something
like forever, as far as I remember. You can tell something's up - now a
shove - now another - Hebner off the ropes with a shouldebrock that takes
Triple H down! Helmsley doesn't respond to this kindly, decking Hebner
with a right. Hebner goes down like a ton a bricks, as you might expect.
Then Helmsley breaks his leg like Curt Hennig would do it. The lights are
out and Kane makes his entrance. B.B. and TONY GAREA are out to tend to
Hebner - and now a GUY IN VINCE MASK is out wearing the zebra shirt and
black gloves. Kane takes a distracted Triple H off the ropes and hits a
back elbow. Uppercut. Into the opposite corner, H puts up an elbow, then
decks the new ref, who rolls to the outside. Kane on him as a SECOND GUY
IN VINCE MASK swaggers out. Kane still on him with punches and kicks. H
manages a facebuster counter. H with a finger pointing to the ref as Kane
slams him down. Elbowdrop misses - and H takes out ref number three with
a clothesline, then kicking him until he rolls out of the ring. Back in
the ring, right hand has no effect on Kane. Neither does that one. H
repeatedly punching, now taking Kane off the ropes, duck, big boot.
Here's a THIRD GUY IN VINCE MASK. Who else is thinking "Doink! Doink!
Doink!" right now? Wow, Tori's really had an effect on this match! Kane
taking him off the ropes, duck, gutshot, DDT by Triple H. The ref is on
the apron, now in the ring as Triple H climbs the corner - off the top -
but into a chokeslam. H rolls out to the outside. Now all three Vinces
walk over - and up the ramp as Helmsley backs up. But behind him...that
one's GOTTA be BILLIONAIRE VINCE even though he's wearing a Vince mask -
it's the same suit and he's not wearing gloves. Anyway, he wields a pipe
and there's two whacks to Triple H. X-PAC is out and he goes down. The
OUTLAWS come out and THEY go down! They shouldn't have attacked black
ninja style, you know - one at a time. The rest of the available REFS &
OFFICIALS come out but "Vince" still wields the pipe. Now LINDA McMAHON
is out. One more stomp to Triple H - the credits are up as Linda and
whoever walk out. We'll see you at Heat - and then at Armageddon!
Christopher Robin Zimmerman