How come I'M the voice of reason at WrestleLine?
It is INCREDIBLY embarrassing to click onto the staff
ratings and see that EVERYBODY fell into lockstep doling out high marks
for Nitro. Many of them EVEN attempt to simultaneously talk out of both
sides of their mouth by decrying the lack of wrestling on the show and
STILL giving out a 7, or an 8, or a 9.
The fact that Bull Buchanan and Big Bossman were in the competing show's
main event should NOT affect Nitro's rating. But it sure seemed to affect
some of those staff ratings, didn't it?
Who wrestled Monday? Page, Luger, Sting, Vicious, Jarrett, Hennig, Flair,
Douglas, Page (again) and Sting (again). Do you STILL want to give Nitro
Hey, of those five matches, how many involved a run-in and screwjob? Whoa
- five! Do you STILL want to give Nitro an 8?
The fact that so many on this very staff (not to mention some of you who
have emailed me over the past 48 hours) are so quick to discount the
entirety of "wrestling" in favour of "storyline" greatly worries me.
I stand by what I said Tuesday morning - I'm not ready to jump on that
bandwagon just yet. There is just as much reason to think that we're
headed for the same old crap as there is that this fed is set to be turned
around. Let me repeat that and emphasize it so it sinks in with you.
**There is just as much reason to think that we're headed for the
same old crap as there is that this fed is set to be turned
I tell you this: tonight's Thunder, when added to Nitro, will probably go
a long way towards setting the tone for the way you and I - okay, maybe
just me - perceive the future of WCW television - Spring Stampede as well.
WILL it be a turning point - or Halloween Havoc II? That's enough rambling
- let's get it started!
WCW logo - TV-PG-DLV
Nitro highlight package - close captioned logo - lotsa bleeping - Mike
Awesome clips ARE included - we end with a still of Bret Hart fading to
black and white...
"Earlier Today," a black Porche 911 pulled up to the arena - and Eric
Bischoff (driving) and Vince Russo (Yankees jersey) walked out. Yes - you
heard me - they're WALKING!
Opening credits haven't changed - yet - still got that long shot of
Oklahoma in 'em, too - ugh
HIT THE PYRO - THIS IS THE RUSSO/BISCHOFF ERA! The Thunder set is gone,
replaced with three square scaffolding arches and the giant "star" curtain
and a large Jumbotron. We are in the World Arena in Colorado Springs, CO
12.4.2K (taped 11.4) and WOW! DAVID ARQUETTE is in the front row! HE'S
not a wrestler either!
"Theme from NWO Monday Nitro" brings out CRACKA EAZY-E, all smiles. Behind
him is VIC VENOM with bat in hand, and BILLY KIDMAN (with Torrie Samuda),
SHANE DOUGLAS, VAMPIRO, BUFF IS THE STUFF, THE WALL, BOOKA T, THE NEW
GODFATHER OF SOUL, and BIG POPPA PUMP. These are the members of the New
Blood. Who do you THINK gets the mic? Bischoff: "Oh, do we love you
people - heyheyheyheyhey - was it a night last night or what? I mean,
Nitro was absolutely what it was supposed to be - I mean...the story, the
intrigue, the suspense, classic screwjobs, and oh yeah - those car wrecks -
we love those car wrecks - hey, Hollywood, can you hear - oh no you can't
hear anything, you're in a hospital bed! Billy, you had one hell of a
night." "Well, thank you Eric. Because in one night, I pinned Hulk Hogan,
we busted him wide open, and we took the Hummer and FINALLY ended his
career - so get out your scorecard, you marks, because it's Flea Market
Champion 3 and Hulk Hogan 0. Hey, you shouldn't be booing me - you should
be thanking me 'cause you don't have to sit through any of his boring-ass
matches! And I'm proud to say - shut up! - and I'm proud to say that the
New Blood has Hogan's old blood all over our hands - and you know what? It
feels great!" Russo: "You know what? By the roar of the crowd, this
almost sound likes New York, Shane! But you know what? THIS ain't New
York, 'cause THIS town - sucks! I mean, what kind of a person lives in
Colorado Springs? What, John Denver? He's dead? Am I supposed to care?
The fact of the matter is last night Ric Flair and you people learned two
things about Vince Russo - #1, I am the Batman - and #2, New Yorkers have
respect for nobody - and Ric Flair, I've got one thing I wanna say to you -
when all is said and done, Flair, with the help of the Franchise, you will
be my New York BITCH!" Douglas: "Nature Boy Ric Flair! For seven years
I've called your ass out and you have finally bitten the bait! Listen
here, Flair, Nature Boy, you're about to get your ass 'franchised,' because
I plan on retiring your ragged millionaire ass!" Bischoff: "Hey but let's
get down to business, we've got some important business here tonight.
Let's talk about, first of all Spring Stampede (exclusively on pay-per-view
this Sunday). All-new world champions in every divison - it will be the
day the title picture changes - the way it should change. But let's talk
about what we're doing tonight - keep it down, I can't hear myself - you
know tonight, we gotta think about the world title situation and the only
fair thing for us to do was to give Jeff Jarrett the night off because
Vince Russo told me this time it has to be a level playing field. Since it
is a level playing field, we're also going to give Diamond Dallas Page the
night off. BUT that presents a problem, you see because you people came
here to see the very best entertainment in the world - and if you ask
Kimberly, Page's wife, she is the very best talent in the world, so we're
going to give her an opportunity to prove that - watch what you say.
Tonight, Kimberly is going to wrestle Madusa. Is that too much or what?
Think about it - Kimberly - you've seen her in Playboy (at least I have),
and tonight you get to see her in this ring, head to head with Madusa. But
wait a minute, I got an idea, let me check this out... Page, no matter
what happens, I want you to think real positive, because I know you are
Positively Page - it'll be great." Hit "Smells Like Self High Five" 'cause
DIAMOND DALLAS PAGE is out to offer his rebuttal. "Hey! Monkey! Yeah,
I'm talkin' to you, Bischoff. I don't know what the hell you're tryin' to
prove, but if you got a problem with me, I ain't got a problem with that,
'cause that'll be between me and you - but you, silverback, you leave my
wife Kimberly out of this. I got an idea here, I got an idea, let's give
all these people here what they'd REALLY like to see...and that's YOU,
Sleazy E, in that ring against ME, D-D-P! Keep your mouth shut, I'm not
done yet - kickin' your ass from one side to another." "First of all,
Page, you haven't EARNED that spot yet, and secondly, it'll be a hell of a
lot more fun just to see what kinda stripper outfit your old lady's gonna
wear to the ring tonight." "Stripper outfit, huh? I think I come down
there and kick your teeth down your throat right now - but I ain't the only
one that wants a piece o' YOUR ass, Bischoff..." Before he gets down the
aisle, TRIPPA B is up from behind and ALL over Page - depositing him in the
ring for all sorts of boots from all sorts of folk. Out comes (THIS IS
STING), TEAM PACKAGE & SID VISCOUS and it's all broken down out here.
Bischoff and Russo stay outside the ring - SECURITY is out to try to break
it up but it ain't workin'. Bischoff and Russo DO manage to get up the
aisle, though. Let's take a break!
This portion of Thunder is brought to you by Castrol Motor Oily!
Your hosts are TONY SCHIAVONE, MIKE TENAY & BOBBY HEENAN. Schiavone all
but proclaims this opening as the greatest segment in the history of
Thunder. We learn that at Spring Stampede, we'll have a "Suicidal Six-Man"
for the Cruiserweight title - it's like a "Fatal Four-way" but with two
more people. There'll be a mini-tourney for the tag straps - the
Mamalukes, Harlem Heat, Buff Bagwell & Shane Douglas and Team Package.
Tonight: Flair vs. Bagwell! Package vs. Douglas! And an eight man
tournament for the US title - six men are in, Sting & Sid Vicious will have
"qualifying" matches tonight. The two men for the Hardcore title will be
chosen...well, we'll tell you later. Meanwhile, the ring's been filling
SHANNON MOORE (with Shane Helms) & LASH LeROUX & CROWBAR (with Daffney &
David Flair - already in the ring) v. "HARD KNOX" CHRIS CANDIDO and
JUVENTUD GUERRERA and THE ACRONYM (with Paisley) - Candido and Guerrera are
already arguing. Crowbar and LeRoux doubleteaming Artist - duck, double
press and drop. Moore on him now, punching, whip is reversed, up in the
air, dropkick on the way down. Candido and Guerrera arguing over who will
come in (what, it's lucha rules?) while in the opposite corner, THOSE three
men are arguing over who wil be the legal man. Crowbar takes advantage of
an errant beach ball to amuse himself - and us! - while LeRoux and Candido
lock it up - off the ropes, LeRoux with a shoulderblock, off the ropes, up
and over, leapfrog by Candido, LeRoux ducks under, but is caught in a
powerbomb - Paisley on the apron (why?) - Candido bumps HER accidentally
and she drops into the arms of David Flair - and is QUITE grateful - and
now he's dancing. Meanwhile, LeRoux catches Candido in a backdrop suplex
moments after standing arm-in-arm with him and admiring the show on the
floor. Daffney is over with her golden crowbar and hooking Flair by the
'nads. Paisley slapping Flair for letting his woman control him like that
(I guess). Bayou Blues clothesline by LeRoux - Guerrera gives Candido a
shot, and apparently that's as good as a tag. This is completely missed by
our astute commentary team, of course. Moore tagged in on the other side -
Guerrera ducks a clothesline, knife-edge chop, chop, chop, in the corner,
climbing up for a Ten Punch Count Along. The elbowpad is off - whip is
reversed, Moore drives a knee into the gut - JUICE DOOBE DOO.... on
Guerrera's tights? Rocker Dropper by Moore! Tag to Crowbar, who
elbowdrops the mat repeatedly - Guerrer wails away on him but Crowbar ducks
a clothesline and puts him in a waistlock - Guerrera flips up and out -
HE'S got a waistlock - standing switch - back elbows by Juvi, Crowbar ducks
and hits a SWEET Northern Lights suplex with a bridge - but only gets 2.
Right hand. Knife-edge chop. Another chop. Into the ropes, Guerrera with
a flying head scissors, and Crowbar goes outside. Flair is over to put him
back in the ring, but Crowbar stops him and punches him with a straight
right. Candido with a top turnbuckle plancha on Crowbar. Candido holding
Crowbar for Artist - but his through the ropes baseball slide hits Candido
when Crowbar moves away - also, Artist ends up crotching himself on the
bottom rope - oops. Artist outside with no ill effects - Candido and
Artist punching away on each other - commentators failing to talk about ANY
of the strife between all three supposed partners - must not be in their
job duties or something - Crowbar with a somersault plancha that FLATTENS
Candido. LeRoux's turn - running pescado on Crowbar and Candido! Guerrera
in the ring all alone - Moore in to join him - into the ropes - Moore up -
over to the apron - the other four apparently waiting for him to jump onto
them - Guerrera off the ropes - Moore DUCKS the leap and Guerrera ends up
hitting a tope con hilo onto Candido and the rest of the pile - Moore wants
a piece of this lucha train wreck action - and there's a top-rope Asai
moonsault onto the pile! Referee "Blind" Charles Robinson looks around and
thinks about putting on a count - Crowbar and Moore (keep in mind, they're
partners) are back in the ring and brawling away. Helms getting into it
with the Artist. For the FIRST time, Tony notes that partners are
fighting. Moore with a neckbreaker - Helms up to the top - but Flair
crotches him, and now it looks like we're going to see the Frankendaffney!
THE FRANKENDAFFNEY! Hey, Daffney's been trying to work off that giant ass
of hers - good for her. NOW we've got Crowbar and Guerrera in the ring -
Guerrera slips an attempt and puts on the Juvi Driver - 1, Candido breaks
it up and tosses him. Right for Crowbar, Crowbar with a right to the gut
and a jawbreaker! Artist over to save - double DDT - Candido covers -
Artist breaks it up. So Candido clocks him. Swandive hedbutt for Crowbar
- AGAIN Artist breaks it up. Artist with his "will-he-won't-he" jumpin'
DDT off the second rope. And then...he leaves. Crowbar with a front
suplex on Candido - 1, 2, 3. (6:32) Hey, this show's ALREADY better than
Backstage, GENE O. works tonight! And he's promising that Kimberly's match
"ain't happening" tonight. Page promises "Jersey-style" for Bigelow - I
don't know what that is, but it involves a lotta "badda's."
With the magic word "action" lingering in the air (oh for the love of...)
we cut to J. Biggs and Harlem Heat waiting in an office (complete with
Thunder logo) - Bischoff and Russo enter, with Russo slipping "Tony" some
skin. Bischoff to Big T: "Hey, we've never had a chance to meet, and
you're in my chair." Russo: "'snot a good thing, Tony. It's Eric
Bischoff right there - this ain't New York, brother." T stares a hole in
Bischoff, who doesn't appreciate it. The business tonight is all about
Sid...tonight is an opportunity to take out Sid. "Do me a favour - and do
not disappoint us."
>From the "Ready to Rumble" premiere, Sting gives us a description of "Ready
to Rumble." Probably not HIS description, but a description nonetheless.
"'Dumb and Dumber' - 'Beavis and Butthead' - wrestling and 'Wayne's World'
- all combined into one." Hey, who's the woman with him?
Kings/Lakers Friday on TNT! Billones and Doomsday can EAT ME! The Kings
might not be able to beat anybody else, but by God they've GOT THE KINGS'
NUMBER!! (Also, I'm dreaming. The Kings are C-H-O-KING)
With 1-800-CAL-LATT, Jimmy Barron phones it in - still got good seats
available for Spring Stampede - especially with all the refunds from people
thinking it would be Sid vs. Hogan (ha!)
NitroGirls.com spot - neither new nor improved
Sean Stasiak tells the makeup lady he needs to look PERFECT tonight and
sends her off to get some oil - then Curt Hennig sneaks in and beats him
down. Stasiak is apparently calling himself "the Perfect one," now. And
YOU thought Russo and Bischoff didn't bring any new ideas to the dance!
SID VISCOUS v. HARLEM HEAT (with J. Biggs) in a qualifier for the United
States Heavyweight tournament - The six men already in are Steiner, Wall,
Vampiro, Booker, Cat and Kidman. Later tonight, Sting takes on three
Villanos (three?) while Sid gets a thousand pounds of opposition. It ain't
pretty, folks. Big T messes up a clothesline, for crying out loud. Still,
the double bicycle kick is pretty sweet. Also a nice double spinebuster.
Kash wants in on it - FAT ASS SPLASH. 1, 2, shoulder up?? Biggs in the
ring to argue it with referee "Blind" Nick Patrick. Now BOOKA is out -
Kash charges and Booker low-bridges him to take him to the outside.
Standing side kick for Ray - spinebuster for T - uranage for Raw - Sid with
a gutshot and the Millennium Bomb - 1, 2, 3! (2:44) So Booker is...well,
I'M confused. Post-match THE WALL is out - have a chair, Sid!
We cut to the office where Russo and Bischoff complain about Booker messing
up their plans. Bischoff says "I'll fix this - I'll fix it."
Back to the ring, where the Wall's music plays and Sid is as mackerel.
CRACKA EAZY-E powerwalks to the ring. People flipping him the bird are
airbrushed out (oh, so we're still doing THAT, are we?) as Bischoff pokes
Sid to make sure he's still out. "All right, I'm going to make an
executive decision - due to outside interference, this man is disqualified.
Harlem Heat is your winner, and when Sid wakes up, tell him he doesn't have
to be in Chicago this Sunday - he can go back to West Memphis and watch his
pigs breed. I got business to take care of." Commentators tell us it was
a "no DQ" match, which makes this decision ESPECIALLY ironic. I note that
we get a happy pixelation which indicates that we've zoomed in to keep an
offensive sign out of the picture...they edited out the sign, but I still
hear producers saying "action." Oh, you've heard it all before...
WCW comes to Peoria Saturday, Chicago for Spring Stampede, Rockford Monday
for Nitro, and tix on sale Friday for Nitro in Birmingham, and on sale
Saturday for Thunder in Memphis!
Jimmy Hart is WALKING! And he's looking for Eric Bischoff...
Meanwhile, Bischoff berates Booker in front of the boys - "what in the HELL
were you thinking? This is an opportunity - don't you - get it?" Bischoff
tells Booker to wipe the look off his face lest he hire someone to do the
wipe it off for him."
"THE FRANCHISE" SHANE DOUGLAS v. THE NARCISSIST (with Liz) - Let Us Take
You Back to Douglas' shocking reapperance - and a snippet of Luger posing
(oops - remember, they PROMISED better production values for their
television programs). Package breaks from his routine in mid-strip to jump
Douglas at the start. Blinding array of big punches and big kicks. Big
rake across the top rope. Big choke with his pull-apart pants. Big
neckbreaker. Tonight - DDP v. Triple B! Into the corner hard. Another
big face rake on the top rope. Into the ropes, big clothesline. Big
clothesline. Big Ace toolbox elbow! 1, 2, NO!!! Into the corner, Douglas
puts up a boot, clothesline, right, right, right, right, right, right, and
so on. Belly-to-belly! People FEAR IT! Well, I read that once. Douglas
to the top - Package up, hitting him in the 'nads, and bealing him across
the ring. Douglas rolls out. Heenan says this is a smart idea, to "take
the twenty count." Did they take Heenan off the medication? Luger out to
follow - and whipping him into the barricade. Big clothesline! Hey, those
barricades look like they've been wrapped in garbage bags, don't they?
Douglas' head repeatedly rammed into the apron. Back in the ring we go.
Big kick to the abdomen, but whip, head down, kick by Douglas - off the
ropes with a clothesline. Luger ducks a flying jalapeno and referee
"Blind" Billy Silverman gets a taste. Douglas' trick knee acts up with the
ref out. Double axehandle, stomp, stomp, stomp, THE MAN is running out and
he's on Douglas. Chop! Left, right, left, right, left, right, chop, chop,
eyepoke, chop, whip is reversed, reversed back - Golota - Package motioning
for the Rack - and he's got him up! Silverman up, completely ignoring the
fact that Flair's in the ring - and calls for the submission. (3:45)
Backstage, Jimmy Hart has caught up to Eric Bischoff - he needs to talk to
him, but Bischoff is more interested in making jokes.
The Wendy's Monterey Ranch Chicken replay is Flair working over Douglas and
the Package's Human Torture Rack. This is a BIG win for the Millionaire's
Our commentators (and the TV-PG-DLV) reveal to us that Ric Flair is irate.
There are now some stipulations in the upcoming Bagwell/Flair match - if
there's any kind of interference by the Total Pacakge, both members of Team
Package will be suspended without pay for six months. Talk turns to the
attack of Hogan Monday.
Here's a Special Video Look from a camera inside the limousine, which begs
two questions - why's there a camera inside the limousine, and where would
Hogan be in this picture? That said, it's a neat look. Oh, Tony says it
was a "security camera." I guess there's a lot of those in limousines all
around the country. Hogan will be hospitalized for two weeks, we are told,
so don't look for him at Spring Stampede.
We cut to a shot of JAMES HART walking to the ring with mic in hand. "You
know, I've been chasing Eric Bischoff all over this building all day long.
Eric, I need some answers. I need for you to come out here right now. You
need to come out here, man, I'm telling ya, I'm not gonna leave the ring
'til you come out here. I need to know *why* you did what you did to Hulk
Hogan on Nitro. Eric, for six years when you tried to get Hulk Hogan in
here, I was the one that made the negotiations. Any time you and Hulk
Hogan had a problem, I was the one that you called that smoothed everything
over. Eric, how could everything that was so good go straight to hell?"
The music flares up and BILLY KIDMAN & CRACKA EAZY-E come out. After a
brief consultation, Bischoff sends Kidman to ringside - and off he sprints.
"Eric, don't send a flea market champion to do a man's job--" and he's
quickly cut off as Kidman KICKS HIS ASS. The shirt is pulled up and the
spray paint is pulled out. "NB" is painted on his back - hmmm, spraypaint
- I haven't seen THAT one before.
Kimberly suits up in a dressing room - and says something but we miss it.
Page gets muted and says there's no way he'll let her get in the ring with
Madusa. Kimberly says she needs to do this - step up to the plate and
deliver. Page says she got kabonged Monday and he doesn't want her to work
hurt. She says that doesn't work when SHE says it to HIM. Then she asks
him to be positive. Woooohoohoohoohaaaahahahaha... "Positively Page!"
It's time for the Thunder Ringside Release - brought to you by LucasArts'
"Star Wars Episode 1: Jedi Power Battles!" Oh, wait - it IS LucasArts'
"Star Wars Episode 1: Jedi Power Battles!" Thanks, but I've ALREADY
"ignited my saber" tonight and had a "solo battle" of my own. (Hyatte said
I could use that one until *he* started recapping Thunder, so I feel pretty
safe getting away with it THIS week)
BOOKA v. THE WALL (with a table) v. 4 MORE in a Colorado Collision match -
it's a mini-Royal Rumble, with the rest coming out in one minute intervals.
Is Booker out first as punishment? The six men in the US tourney not named
"Sid" or "Sting" are in this match. Booker all over Wall with punches to
start - Wall reverses it and kicks and punches. And stomps. Yup. Whip is
reversed, reversed back - Wall eats a boot, Harlem side kick, right, into
the ropes, reversed, Booker holds on - uranage! Rock E Rock E Rock E -
kick, axe kick coming up. Breakdancing back up - but Wall is slowly
staggering to his feet. The last ten seconds come up as the minute
actually ends - well the NEW GODFATHER OF SOUL is out a bit earlier than
the clock. Booker clotheslines Wall out of the ring - Cat blindsides
Booker with a superkick and HE'S out. Oh, I guess this isn't a Rumble -
referee "Blind" Mickie Jay is counting out Wall and Booker - Wall with the
chokeslam through the table. Jay hits ten. (1:35) Cat has the mic and
warms up the crowd. The clock comes up as Cat puts on his red slippers.
Cat's music is hit as BIG POPPA PUMP is out REALLY late. Steiner behind
Cat - Cat breakdances around and eats a Steinerline - Cat is relieved of
his shoes - and they're thrown on him. In the corner, knife-edge chop,
chop, into the ropes, Cat ducks - SUPERKICK! The clock is up again as Cat
hits his Funky Elbow, then his uppercut from the splits. BILLY KIDMAN
(with Torrie Samuda) actually gets music as he comes out - he decides to
let the two in the ring slug it out. Steiner comes to and hits a
backbreaker - then a belly-to-belly overhead suplex. Steiner poses on the
ropes while Kidman comes in to pin Cat. (Call 4:11) Steiner turns back
around, sees what's happened and gives Kidman a Steinerline. Press - and
drop. The clock is up for the last time as Steiner pins Kidman after a
belly-to-belly (4:44). The last man is VAMPIRO. We see Kidman and Cat
brawling out on the floor. (THIS IS) STING is following Vampiro - Scorpion
Death Drop! Steiner turns around - and decides maybe he'll just put
Vampiro in the Steiner Recliner. Vampiro - this is the NEW era! - jobs...I
mean gives it up. Your winner is Big Poppa Pump. (5:33)
Madusa - IS - WALKING!
Meanwhile, Kimberly - IS - WALKING! She says to the cameraman, "hey Eric -
this one's for you!" And she removes her coat to reveal one o' them old
Nitro Grrl tops with the headlights and the.....I'll be right back
Promotional consideration paid for by Slim Jim (Savage), Geico, Geico
(again), Pizza Breaks from Hot Pockets, and America (ha!) Online
Gene O. stands with Team Package - Flair asks Russo to learn to love it -
he's taped up - and he's Mickey Mantle in his lifetime. Woooo!
MADUSA v. KIMBRRLY - Kim comes out to "Smells Like Self High-Five" and uses
her ass to cue pyro. Hooray! Fishnets and ass-hangin'-out shorts!
Kimberly asks her to bring it on - both women take turns poniting to each
other's racks. Madusa tells her to just go to the back - Kimberly shoves
her - Madusa shoves her HARD. "Why do you want to wrestle me? You are not
a wrestler! You're a..." well, I didn't hear it but she makes some
stripper pantomimes as we look back to see DDP watching on a monitor. And
now Madusa's rubbing her face in the mat - oooh! She hit her in the
boobies! Well now DIAMOND DALLAS PAGE is out to be a killjoy - pushing of
Madusa and checking on his wife. Whoops, his back is to her - Madusa over
with a series of martial arts kicks to Page's ribs and back. Page puts her
in a front face - Diamond Cutter. Referee "Blind" Charles Robinson decides
that perhaps NOW is a good time to call for the bell (DQ 1:25). Kimberly
doesn't seem too pleased but hell, we're all looking at her nipples, not
her facial expression. I mean...oh, sorry.
Oh boy! Another Flintstones movie! I bet Rosie O'Donnell tells us that
HERS was better! Repeatedly!
1-800-CAL-LATT/"Ready to Rumble" ad. Isn't there a very real chance that
by the time they arrange the "special screening," the film will no longer
actually be playing anywhere?
Advance Audo Parts presents "This Week in WCW Motorsports!" Looks like
Blaise Alexander got the black flag - hmmm, involved in a crash, too...but
they hung on for that all important "top thirty finish!" Woof!
Sting may be a member of the Millionaire's Club - but he still like to
charge things by carrying the power of the card. Hey, what's that "NWO" on
that one card?
FIT FINLAY & BRIAN KNOBS (already in the ring) v. THEMONSTERMENG & WHO?
HUGH! MORRUS (already in the ring) v. TERRY FUNK and SCREAMIN' NORMAN
SMILEY in a three-way Hardcore tag Contenders' match - the winning team, we
are told, will split up - and be the two competitors Sunday for the
Hardcore title. Smiley is the new catcher for the Rockies. Tony
Schiavone: "...fans, let me say this: there are many pay-per-views in
sports entertainment out there throughout the entire year. And I know you
gotta spend your dollars wisely, but I wanna tell you this: this coming
Sunday is the one to get if you get none of them the rest of the year, for
the sheer fact of answering the question - 'what the hell's gonna happen
next?' We don't know!" Meng and Knobs brawl out through the crowd, taking
referee "Blind" Mark Johnson with them. Morrus and Smiley go up through
the aisle, taking referee "Blind" Mickie Jay with THEM. In the ring, Funk
and Finlay brawl with referee "Blind" Billy Silverman keeping a watchful
eye over THEM. All three pairs engage in crap brawling and none are worth
mentioning. Over to the stage, where Morrus has Smiley on a table.
Getting a running headstart off the stage....holy shit, he TOTALLY MISSED
the table, only catching the corner on his way down. I don't think Heenan
knows the pun he makes when he says "talk about a Crash landing!"
Meanwhile, Meng and Knobs are up in the concourse - oh boy, concessions
a-comin'! Have a cold one, Meng! HAAAAhahahahahaha - trash can - pizza
tray. Meng puts him in the condiments. Sign broken over his back. Meng
spears a standup poster of Goldberg! Knobs with the fire extinguisher!
And now they're outside...Meng at the railing - Knobs charging - Meng
sidestepping it and Knobs OVER THE RAIL! Apparently, it's a thirty foot
drop - Schiavone gets all "serious" on us. Meanwhile, back to Morrus and
Smiley - over to Finlay and Funk - over to Morrus and Smiley - Norman's
screaming - yuk yuk yuk. Chair here, crutch there, Smiley whipped into
a...giant lion's head, I guess. Hey, that's not a horn, it's a tooth!
Finlay with a DDT on Funk on the exposed floor. Say, Funk's no longer
commissioner, right? What? We didn't think about that? Oh. Finlay
setting up a table - Funk with a Golota and a whip into the table. Funk
ready to piledrive Finlay on what's left of the table. DUSTIN RHODES is
out and going after Funk - I guess the "reset button" missed this feud,
right? Golota for Funk, right, right, set up for Shattered Dreams - three
points. Finlay giving a chair to Rhodes - WHACK! Head to the chair,
again, again, again, Finlay out to find another table - Smiley back out to
the ring...prodding Funk with his foot, no he's not moving - Smiley covers
him...1, 2, 3! (7:20) ...the HELL? So you can pin your own partner?
Bischoff gives some instructions to the Villanos - beat him to a pulp!
Russo says the same thing in Spanish - well, not really - more like in "New
This - is - Sting! And he - is - WALKING!
>From the big opening, Diamond Dallas Page and Kimberly tell us "Ready to
Rumble" is a great movie
Promotional consideration paid for by Judge Wapner's cash scam, the city of
Las Vegas, the Super Soaker CPS 2500 & 3000, and Lean Pockets from Hot
Let Us Take You Back - err, Ahead? - to a replay one of the Villanos
kabonging Sting with a gee-tar and removing his mask to reveal that he's
Jeff Jarrett! Errr.......
Gene O. stands with Jeff Jarrett - he's not done working tonight - if Page
is gonna jump him from behind...Page ain't done working tonight, so neither
is he. He promises some pain for "Mr. Cox" as well...
Here's another look at David Arquette! He's sitting next to Sting! It's
Sting! Oh, wait..that's just some guy in a mask
BUFF IS THE STUFF v. THE MAN - so, like, are we not gonna see the
Sting/Villanos match? Flair again comes out in street clothes because
Bischoff and Russo are all about keeping a shirt on Flair. Tony says Flair
is dressed this way because he's dressed to BRAWL, baby. I guess this is a
feeling out process because both guys are doing a lot of posing...here's a
lockup, to the corner, unclean break, Flair reverses and chops. Chop!
Into the opposite corner is reversed, back body drop by Bagwell! In
position for the running lariat, another, now unleashing rights on the
prone flair - referee "Blind" Mark Johnson telling him to open the fist,
Bagwell with a lotta words for him. They may not want to show us the Sting
match, but they have PLENTY of time to video distort that sign in the
crowd! Gosh, I wonder what it says? Right, right, right, Johnson telling
him to open it up again and Bagwell telling him to shut up. Head to the
buckle, again, again, Flair fires back with a right, chop, Bagwell knocks
him down, stomping away, knee to the ribs, another one to the area damaged
by the bat on Monday - Bagwell pinwheeling, but Flair gets in a knee when
he returns to the match. Elbowdrop by Flair. Woooo! Video distort it!
Left, right, left, right, left, right, woooo! Stomp, stomp, stomp, Flair
goes outside and pulls Bagwel out. Head to the barricade - Arquette likes
it - but the Sting impersonator next to him WALLOPS Flair with a bat! Then
he jumps the rail - oh, it's VIC VENOM. Ring the bell! (DQ 3:09) Russo
has Flair's Rolex on a necklace around his neck. SHANE DOUGLAS is out -
now THE NARCISSIST is out and cleaning house on Douglas and Bagwell - until
Bagwell gets a bat shot in on HIM. Russo choking Flair with the bat - and
chopping his crotch. Elbowdrop by Douglas. Bagwell standing on Luger's
neck. Buff's music plays again - let's take a break!
Close captioning where available brought to you by George Foreman and MEINEKE!
Jeff Jarrett T-shirt ad - too bad it's got a big ol' NWO on it
(THIS IS) STING v. LOS TRES VILLANOS - Tony Schiavone expresses his sincere
condolences to Scott Hudson on the death of his father Monday - and I
second that. And so do you. Now, let me look into my crystal ball and
speculate that the non-stocky Villano is really Jeff Jarrett, and he'll
break a gee-tar over Sting's head. Hey, look, David Arquette is sitting
next to Sting! I'll bet that's not Sting - I'll bet it's Vince Russo and
he'll attack Flair with a baseball bat! Sting hits a double Scorpion Death
Drop to pin Villanos IV & V (1:01) but immediately after, the remaning
Villano runs Sting into referee "Blind" Charles Robinson, knocking him out.
Sting has his way with Jarrett - I mean, the other Villano until Villano
pokes his head up, making a leapfrog by Sting quite painful. After making
sure the ref's out, Jarrett - err, Villano takes Sting down with a Golota.
Now he's going outside and under the ring - hey, there's a silver gee-tar
with "Slap Nuts" printed on it - KABONG! Slowly, the mask is coming off -
why, that's JEDOUBLEF JADOUBLEREDOUBLET! That's - that's TOTALLY
SURPRISING! And now DIAMOND DALLAS PAGE is out with a Diamond Cutter for
Jarrett - Sting put on top. I think Robinson saw that but maybe this is
another one of them "no DQ" matches they forgot to tell me about. (2:31)
Play Metallica again! Hey WCW - over and over, you were promising us
better production and YOU HAD AN ENTIRE DAY OF POST-PRODUCTION TO DEVOTE TO
THIS SHOW (and obviously, from all the airbrushing of middle fingers and
"offensive" signs and audio tweaks and the hey hey hey) AND YOU CAN'T EVEN
BE BOTHERED TO PUT THE SEGMENTS IN THE CORRECT ORDER? Well surely *THIS*
is the new WCW!
1-800-CAL-LATT/"Ready to Rumble" ad
>From the movie premiere, Michael Buffer shills the movie, and Nitro, and
WOW he's got a hot date on his arm
Here's a replay of Vince Russo giving the bat to Flair...lucky for us, this
replay was actually played AFTER the events took place, so as to, you know,
make sense for the viewer and such.
TRIPPA B v. DIAMOND DALLAS PAGE (with Kimbrrly) - Let Us Take You Back to
Earlier Tonight and segment one (I *believe* they actually MEANT it to be
segment one, as well - but who can say for sure) where Page interrupted
Bischoff's party and paid a price. Hey you - listen up now - new era - two
shows - two main events - Page in both of them. YOU connect the dots and
form your own opinion...if you can set aside your biases FOR ONCE IN YOUR
LIFE. There sure seem to be an awful lot of "Ready to Rumble" snippets in
Page's entrance video, don't there? Schiavone wonders aloud what happened
with Bret Hart, as if he just shut his eyes and went to sleep after they
left the air. Tenay says he caught up with Hart after the show, but got
the big brushoff. Well, at least he TRIED. Lockup, to the corner, right,
right, right, right, right, right, stomp, stomp, Bigelow pounds his own
chest as well. Page pulls himself up and unleashes a series of rights and
lefts - "Mike Awesome" is named for the first time all night. Well, Tony
called him "Michael" but we'll let that go...Bigelow catches the foot, but
eats a right after spinning him around. 1, 2, nope. Page outside -
climbing to the top - flying clothesline! 1, 2, shoulder up! Elbows by
Page, into the ropes is reversed, Samoan Drop by Bigelow! 1, 2, NO!
Bigelow stomps, headbutts, headbutt again, working on the back here. Rear
chinlock - almost a camel clutch here - Page tries to power out, but
Bigelow sits on him. Now going to the top - TOP ROPE DIVING HEADBUTT! to
the small of the back - 1, 2... shoulder up! Bigelow going for a powerbomb
- err, maybe - Page punches away while hanging there and Bigelow falls - 1,
2, no. Swinging neckbreaker by Page gets 2 - trying for the Diamond
Cutter, but Bigelow shoves him into referee "Blind" Billy Silverman (has
anybody counted the number of ref bumps tonight?). Bigelow with a
quasi-Nothern Lights bomb there - neat. Going up top one more time -
headbutt MISSES - Page signalling - Diamond Cutter attempt, AGAIN Bigelow
shoves him off - ready for Greetings from Asbury Park - no, Page slips out
and THERE'S the Diamond Cutter. Cue the run-in, I think...sure enough,
CRACKA EAZY-E is out and behind Page's back counts 1, 2....and then stands
up and brushes back his gray flowing locks. Page turns around, gets to his
feet - and has Bischoff in a choke - but JEDOUBLEF JADOUBLEREDOUBLET is out
with one more gee-tar - KABONG! DAVID ARQUETTE storms the ring and jumps
on Bischoff's back - but Jarrett is quickly over to put HIM over the top
rope to the floor - then dropping him on the barricade. I sure hope
Arquette isn't at Spring Stampede - and now back into the ring for the
Stroke - give him credit, he doesn't really move much after taking that
move. Hey! CHRIS "CHAMPAGNE" KANYON is out - wait, he was in the ring
Monday...oh well. Swinging neckbreaker on Jarrett. Bischoff hs a chair -
damn, that chairshot is even weaker than the one he gave Hogan! Jarrett
poses and "Theme from NWO Monday Nitro" plays one more time. Out come
VAMPIRO, BILLY KIDMAN, NEW GODFATHER OF SOUL, WALL, BUFF IS THE STUFF, BIG
POPPA PUMP - Kidman spraypainting "NB" on Page, chokeslam by Wall on
Kanyon, Bischoff blowing kisses to the crowd, credits up, one more quick
shill of Spring Stampede - and we're out.
If you learn nothing else from this report, note well that **it is a
GREVIOUS display of the GROSSEST sort of incompetence and laxity to let two
segments air out of order** and that overshadows EVERYTHING else about this
show. (And before you start composing email, keep in mind that if the WWF
were to do it, I'd be JUST as hard on them.) As for the content...the
angles, the angles STILL rollin, the guys on top, the guys STILL on top,
the upcoming pay-per-view, the repeated reliance on run-ins, ref bumps, the
LACK of decent wrestling action (with the except of the six-man)...
Oh, man, I'm starting to REALLY not like where this is going. I promise
you this: if we get more of the same Monday...get ready for the gloves to
come off, and you might as well get starting on your pleas to WrestleLine
to bring back their second Monday recapper...
Hey, WrestleLine staff: You STILL wanna give Nitro an 8? I'm thinking *I*
Tomorrow: I'll bitch about the McMahons, and you probably won't notice.
Christopher Robin Zimmerman