by Christopher Robin Zimmerman WrestleLine/WrestleManiacs RATINGS: Well, it would have been RAW 7, Nitro 6 - which agrees exactly with Scaia and Miller, so either they've come around or I have. I forgot to send them in, around the same time I forgot to send in the Monday reports for two hours. Oh well. I GET LETTERS: Hey, remember back two weeks when they decided to air two segments out of order? Michael Sparkman has an explanation: The out of order segments aren't bad production, it's part of the "New and Improved" WCW. It's called, "Pulp Fiction Booking". They meant to do it. Ohhhhhhh! NOW I "get it!" Strangely enough, in the local slots right before this show, we get an ad for UPN 44's weekly airing of SmackDown! WCW logo - give us a week, we'll find a TV-PG-DLV lower road Kidman, close captioned, Kimberly, Page, kabong, Arquette, stips, challenge accepted, Vampiro, Sting, red stuff, kabong, pin for Arquette, Jarrett, Page, cage, Awesome, 1, 2, Kanyon, 3, new champ Yep, the credits have been retooled - let's list them off again, comparing them with the 15 March list, and see if we can find the pushes and burials, shall we?
  • Thunder logo
  • TBS logo
  • Goldberg
  • Rey Mysterio Jr.
  • Sid Vicious
  • Thunder logo
  • Goldberg
  • - Crowbar whacking Vampiro while he covers David Flair
  • + Hogan slamming Kidman through a table
  • Billy Kidman flying onto Disorderly Conduct
  • - The Mamalukes choking David Flair
  • + Bischoff and Russo
  • Jeff Jarrett
  • Booker
  • Thunder
  • Disco Inferno wringing the arm of Evan Courageous
  • Goldberg
  • Bam Bam Bigelow throwing an elbow to Booker
  • "Danger: High Voltage" sign
  • Goldberg
  • A light bulb filament
  • - Meng putting the Tongan death grip on the Total Package while he has Sting in the Torture Rack
  • + Hulk Hogan walking around the white Hummer
  • Brad Armstrong (I think) hip-tossing Curt Hennig mixed with a picture of Goldberg
  • Terry Funk
  • Goldberg
  • - Juventud Guerrera taking over Billy Kidman in a 'rana
  • + Buff Bagwell
  • Sting and Sid Vicious trading punches
  • Diamond Dallas Page
  • Sting splashing David Flair as Ric Flair watches
  • Jeff Jarrett with a kabong on Buff Bagwell
  • Some video switcher text
  • Diamond Dallas Page
  • The filament again
  • Sting clotheslining Total Package
  • Same shot, closeup
  • Thunder logo with sparks
  • 90 degree rotated view of (Diamond Dallas Page?) hitting a sidewalk slam on Billy Kidman
  • Rick Steiner clotheslining Stevie Ray on the floor
  • Goldberg spearing Total Package
  • Sid Vicious
  • Continuation of the spear
  • Kevin Nash (Scott Hall sitting on ladder behind him)
  • Continuation of the spear
  • - Different shot of Goldberg
  • + Headband Hogan
  • Diamond Dallas Page, 90 degrees rotated
  • Goldberg
  • Sid Vicious powerbombing Rey Mysterio Jr. - Lodi is lying on the canvas in the background - the picture is negated after the impact
  • Prince Iaukea dropping a leg on Chris Adams
  • the light bulb again
  • Total Package
  • Rick Steiner
  • Buff Bagwell in the middle of a Ten Punch Count Along on somebody we can't see
  • Goldberg
  • closeup of the same shot of Goldberg
  • siren light
  • Billy Kidman getting his arm raised by Mickie Jay (against Vampiro?)
  • siren again
  • Thunder logo
  • Lane leaping off the back of Rave to hit Big Vito
  • Sid Vicious destroying property backstage
  • Thunder logo and sparks
  • Oklahoma dropping an elbow on Vampiro (still one of the longest clips in this montage - you think if ANYTHING would have been cut/changed, it would have been this one)
  • Billy Kidman flying through the air and a light bulb filament
  • Sid Vicious
  • Public Enemy getting speared in the corner by Goldberg
  • Kanyon elbowing Stevie Ray with a "10-09" LED and siren light
  • Sid Vicious powerbombing Lash LeRoux
  • TBS logo with sparks
  • Bret Hart saluting to the sky
  • Goldberg
  • David Flair and Daffney Unger kissing
  • Kanyon dropping a leg on Stevie Ray with an "08" LED
  • Kanyon with a top rope moonsault - "07"
  • Sid Vicious - "06"
  • Siren
  • Goldberg - "06" - "05"
  • Thunder logo
  • TBS logo
  • Siren
  • Sid Vicious with "04"
  • - Big Vito
  • + Headband Hogan
  • Jeff Jarrett
  • Miss Elizabeth removing her jacket with "03" - "02"
  • Total Package hitting a double bicep as the "02" fades out
  • "02" - Bret Hart breaking a crutch on the top turnbuckle as Scott Hall sits against the bottom two turnbuckles - "01"
  • Kevin Nash and just as you see Scott Hall...fading into
  • Jeff Jarrett
  • Thunder logo quickly from three angles
  • No changes with the single frames of Booker, the siren, Rey Mysterio Jr, Sting and Sid Vicious, Rey Mysterio Jr, Goldberg, Bam Bam Bigelow and Booker, Goldberg, Kidman, Perry Saturn (!) and Bam Bam Bigelow, Goldberg, Sting and Sid Vicious, Booker and the WCW logo, Sid Vicious and Sting, Diamond Dallas Page, Meng and Total Package and Sting, the video switcher text, Goldberg, Terry Funk, Sting, Booker with an axe kick on Total Package, Diamond Dallas Page in a side view, the words "VIDEO MODE", Sting clotheslining Total Package, a crowd shot, Diamond Dallas Page at 90 degrees, Rey Mysterio being powerbombed, Goldberg, Buff Bagwell, Sid Vicious, Rick Steiner, another shot of Rick Steiner, Prince Iaukea and Chris Adams, Sid Vicious, a completely illegible shot, another shot nobody's in, an extreme closeup of a Public Enemy jersey, Goldberg, Kanyon, Sid Vicious, Goldberg, Sid Vicious, Bam Bam Bigelow and Booker, Goldberg, Billy Kidman, the light bulb, Total Package - in other words, almost all the shots we've seen to this point
  • Goldberg and sparks - negative and not
  • Just the sparks
  • And into the live shot and PYRO So only six changes... OUT: Crowbar, Mamalukes, Meng, David Flair, Juventud Guerrera, Goldberg, Big Vito
    IN: Hogan and Kidman, Bischoff and Russo, Hogan, Bagwell, Hogan, and Hogan Welllllllllll.....it's probably just best that I leave you to your own conclusions here. In the interests of fairness, I should point out that Hogan wasn't in the "old" version AT ALL Ahhh, who am I to try to be fair? COME ON We're at the On Center in Syracuse, NY and the two hours is just getting started - 26.4.2K (taped 25.4) and this is TBS - and THIS is WCW THUNDER! Outside, a Cadillac arrives at the arena - Bischoff is in the driver's seat (how symbolic!), along with Kimberly and Jeff Jarrett...and from the trunk, David Arquette! Jarrett's doing some manhandling...let's play his music for JEDOUBLEF JADOUBLEREDOUBLET is bringing DAVID ARQUETTE to the ring, along with CRACKA EAZY-E and KIMBRRLY. Jarrett starts a-callin' to DDP - Arquette stepped into the Chosen One's World, so tonight, he'll be all up in his area. He's gonna beat his 1-800-ASS until Page shows his face. Cue "Smells Like Self High Five" and DIAMOND DALLAS PAGE (wearing the title belt) and CHRIS KANYON come out - then stop in their tracks when Jarrett tells them not to take a step further. Page plays hip by saying "shizz" instead of the surely-mutable "shit." Jarrett proclaims tonight the Revenge of the New Blood - now THERE'S a horror flick title if I ever heard it. Jarrett challenges Page to a tag match - himself and Bischoff against Page and Cox with the WCW title on the line. Page says "screw you, Jarrett," only "screw" gets muted to save our virgin ears. "Screw" is muted four more times. Behind Page and Kanyon stand BUFF IS THE STUFF & SHANE DOUGLAS - the implication being that if they walk away, there'll be some trouble afoot. But *they* don't see TEAM PACKAGE appearing behind them. Page calls somebody a monkey, Team Package brings it to the tag team champs, the ring is emptied of all...but Kimberly is kept in the ring. Hey, I can see the backs of her boobies! Page and Kimberly having a chat in the ring - Kim SLAPS Page - Page puts her in a headlock....but backs off. Then he decides to turn his back and leave the ring - so, of course, Kim crawls over and Golotas him. The theme from "NWO Monday Nitro" plays - how appropriate. Your hosts are THE AWESOME 3. I heard that Z89 had 500 tickets to give out, by the way. Tonight, Bret Hart SPEAKS! Why did he hit Hogan with the STEEL chair? Heenan says, "Why? 'cause it's Hogan! EVERYONE should hit Hogan with a chair as far as I'm concerned - 'cause he needs it! Now go bother someone else!" Why isn't this guy on Nitro? Surely the ratings would go up... Also tonight, Sting takes on the Wall. GENE O. works tonight! He tries to talk to the Cat about his match with Bam Bam Bigelow, but Cat is into the dancing and taking care of his bidness. Then he tells Okerlund he's got "bird legs" and gives us an insight into locker room morale by saying "I wanna dance - to hell with WCW!" and from nowhere, the music fires up and he starts dancing. Bischoff & Kimberly look on as Jarrett beats up Arquette, who can barely contain his goofy grin Let Us Take You Back to Spring Stampede, where Bam Bam Bigelow and the Cat's issue apparently started - and continued on Nitro THE NEW GODFATHER OF SOUL v. TRIPPA B - Cat takes the mic and tells Bigelow it isn't between he and him - he wants some forgiveness from his "hero" - it was payback for the attack from behind, that's all. He wants somebody else tonight, not Bigelow! Bigelow almost buys this and goes to leave, but Cat makes a "yo momma" joke ("your breastesses are bigger than hers!") and Bigelow rushes him. Who had seventeen minutes in the "first video distorted sign" pool? I GET LETTERS: Syracuse's own Kevin "K-Wall" Wall spills the beans: Hey CRZ, My friends and I were at Thunder last night-which was a lot of fun. Anyways The Rog, Breeze and myself came up with the sign of the year..."She Gon' Get It!!! EUUUUP"...which we held up for all the ladies in WCW. The Rog also gets props for his "I came to see Hogan, Luger & DDP....Just Kidding" and "If HHH wasn't the WWF Champ, I wouldn't watch WCW" signs. The sign police let us keep our "This match equals piss break", but the dead crowd wouldn't go along with our Booker T chants. Don't be angry at them, just pity them for believing Hogan is better to watch than Booker-guess that comes from their years of living in the Cuse. Fifteen seconds in, MISS HANCOCK comes out to take some notes. Bigelow outside to bring in a chair. Cat must be playing possum, 'cause one of his red slippers is on. Referee "Blind" Mark Johnson working on taking the chair from him, and when he DOES get it, unfortunately his back is turned, missing the loaded Feliner from the Cat. 1, 2, 3. (1:09) I'm pretty sure Cat's entrance was longer than this match. Bigelow spoils the post-match dance with a clothesline - then he busts a move of his own! Only one, though. Backstage, a BMW Z3 arrives - it's Kidman and Torrie! I THINK Cat is trying to talk on the house mic here, but we don't really hear it. Meanwhile, DDP is WALKING! He's looking around...oh, thank God! ANOTHER two hours of SOMEBODY WALKING AROUND LOOKING FOR SOMEBODY ELSE - hey, you think he'll find him at the top of the hour? Bischoff tricks Arquette into leaving, but Jarrett is there to stop him. "Are we Ready to Rumble now, are we?" Yuk yuk yuk. SHAWN "THE PERFECT ONE" STASIAK v. CHRIS "CHAMPAGNE" KANYON - Let Us Take You Back One Week to Nitro, and the Perfect Plant on Curt Hennig. Before the match starts, CURT HENNIG comes out. He's in the new WCW Magazine, in case you were thinking of subscribing tonight. Fourth headset for Hennig - hey, remember when he was a crack colour man? WCW sure could use a good one for Nitro, couldn't they? Stasiak has "Perfect 1" on his tights. Hennig brandishes a set of brass knuckles, but says that unlike Stasiak, HE won't use them - then he proceeds to hit the ring to use them. Good thing I didn't get involved in any play-by-play, right? (Flatliner -> pin 2:43) Post-match, Hennig works over Stasiak while JOBBED TO JOBBED TO JOBBED TO JUSTIN CREDIBLE comes out to play with Kanyon. Somehow, these two couples manages to keep from intersecting - now Awesome and Kanyon are over to the broadcast table. Something is muted - unfortunately, it coincides with the sound of breaking table, taking a lot of impact away. In the ring, Hennig has a Hennigplex on Stasiak, so Awesome comes in and breaks THAT up - ring the bell a million times! Here comes DIAMOND DALLAS PAGE. Will he take on Awesome and Stasiak simultaneously? Nope - Awesome shoves Stasiak into a Diamond Cutter and takes off - that's a smart, smart man. Page takes the mic and accepts the challenge for the tag team match for the title, then he helps Kanyon out. Billy Kidman and Torrie Wilson are WALKING! Well, actually Kidman's sliding down a bannister - oh well, close enough Moments Ago, Kanyon went through the table thanks to an Awesome Bomb and Stasiak took a Diamond Cutter BILLY KIDMAN (with Torrie Samuda) is out - hey, Steven Regal is in Kidman's entrance video! Tony has trouble deciding whether Nitro was "yesterday" or "two days ago". Let Us Take You Back to Nitro (whenever it was) when Awesome and Kidman got the upper hand on Hogan. Oh wow, MARVY MARC MERO & RAY RINALDI are in the front row! Are you excited? Too bad they don't call him "Johnny B. Badd." "It's real simple - so you people get it - the legend is dead! Nobody, and I mean nobody could put Hulk Hogan out of this business until Billy Kidman came along - I know you people appreciate that. You know, interview after interview, Hogan dogged me, he buried me, he said Billy Kidman couldn't draw at a flea market - I'm talkin' here, shut the hell up!" Crowd chants "Hogan" (I think) "Well, Hogan, who's drawin' now, 'cause these people LOVE me! They IDOLISE me - I (Billy Kidman) am the man that they want their kids to be like - thank you - and where were you during all this, Hulk? Your red and yellow ass is somewhere in Tampa laid up in a hospital bed. And how do I know? Because I PUT you there! But people, don't worry, because even though my victim tonight will not be Hulk Hogan, I'm going to issue an open challenge to anybody in the back who thinks they can swat this flea." Torrie's gonna speak? Hide your children! "Billy - I can't wait to make - I mean see you sweat, but *I* will LOVE to give the kiss... of death." "Well, there you have it - Torrie is feelin' saucy, so boys, draw straws, throw your potatoes, do what you have to do but somebody get the heck out here, because the Kid is waiting!" We cut to a "SHUT UP AND WRESTLE" sign - good luck, kid. Hogan's music plays - but Hogan doesn't work on Tuesdays!! Oh, it's only HORACE, who somehow seems to have a job again - in order to look more like some other famous bald wrestler, Horace is sporting a massive knee brace on his left leg. That's some swank white vest he's wearing, though, isn't it? Ever heard Horace's Barry Darsow impersonation? "I'm gonna rip his stinkin' head off!" Run-in is provided by CRACKA EAZY-E. Schiavone: "It's almost like we can PREDICT something like this would happen! Remember what Horace was "H bomb?" Those were the days, right? Horace with a chairshot. Horace under the ring. Schiavone: "What's he looking for?" Heenan: "He's looking for Hogan! Hehehehehehe..." The table is out and it's set up...but Torrie is on the apron and over with a testicular claw - but it doesn't hurt, 'cause he's got HER. Bischoff saves the day by taking out referee "Blind" Mickie Jay, then takes the chair to Horace - Kidman runs the apron and hits a tornado bulldog to the floor, through the table. "Holy shit" chant is NOT muted for some reason - Bischoff is helpfully over to fast count a pinfall out on the floor, 'cause this is a Falls Count Anywhere match...I guess. (5:35) Torrie provides the post-match "Kiss of Death." Tank Abbott is WALKING! Your Castrol GTX replay is covered in the previous match description And now YEAHBABY TANK YEAHBABY ABBOTT YEAHBABY is out. "Cut the music! If you're gonna chant his name, chant it right! 'Ghost-berg.' Ghostberg isn't here, AS USUAL. Lemme tell you something, I've been in more fights than everybody in this building put together, and I've loved every beating! And all YOU got is to cheer for a coward! Yeah, which idiot's goin' down tonight? It's on you, Bill!" Tank leaves the ring - hmm, who'd we take a look at earlier tonight? Yup, Marc Mero. Ray Rinaldi gives him a shove, Mero goes over the rail - another shove for Abbott. Rinaldi actually hitting the ring - Abbott in, but before he can take him out, Mero is in and giving him the old stick and move - great, THIS is the guy that'll provide competition for Tank Abbott? Holy crap, the sound guy has the old Johnny B. Badd theme? And he's PLAYING it? Sting - is - WALKING! And still covered in red stuff....geez, who does he think he is...Al Snow? Hooray! Page has found David Arquette! THE WALL v. (THIS IS) STING in a table match - Wall gets flipped off, but it's airbrushed out of the picture to spare our delicate eyes. Four tables set up outside the ring at each corner. The thunder and lightning strikes - and Metallica plays. Schiavone actually gives voice to the "Carrie" comparison that we all can't help but think about. Let Us Take You Back To Nitro Where Red Stuff Happened Thanks to Vampiro And Whoever Was Helping Him High Above the Ring. Highlight: Sting tries to Sunset flip Wall from the apron to the floor, but ends up slipping and taking a spill on his ass instead. Sting manages to get back in position and powerbombs him through a table for what will probably be our only (ha) clean finish of the night. (1:28) JOBBIN' VAMPIRO is a bit late for his run-in, but now he and Sting are trading punches. Now Vampiro has the upper hand - now Wall is helping. But, c'mon! This - is - Sting! He has no problems clearing the ring of the Wall, then taking Vampiro with a Stinger splash and clotheslining him out of the ring. Play that Metallica again! Bischoff, Douglas and Russo are WALKING! Douglas: "You are NOT gonna do that..." Russo: "I'm gonna do it!" Oh boy! I can't WAIT to see what he'll do next! Promotional consideration paid for by Slim Jim (no Savage), Geico, Geico, Toaster Breaks Pizza from Hot Pockets, America (ha!) Online, and WCW Powerslam Wrestlers Close captioning for the hearing impaired (eh? what's that) brought to you by George Foreman and Meineke - for some reason, Tony REALLY relishes saying "DISCOUNT MUFFLER SHOPS!" Vampiro T-shirt ad - wear it when you feel like LOSING REPEATEDLY Sting - is - WALKING! with the TV-PG-DLV - oh wait, this time he's walking OUT. "Iron Man" plays - no wait, it's just an Iron Man riff with some new, hopefully-not-costing-WCW-a-license-fee music. Yep, it's VIC VENOM, accompanied by THE TAG TEAM CHAMPS. I GET LETTERS: From Kim Patrick: **HOW FUCKING FUNNY** is Vince Russo's "entrance video?" Oh! My! GOD! Sunshiney (oops, make that "mildly overcast") workaday scenes from the heart of exciting MIDTOWN! Actual big-city folk walking around... on their LUNCH BREAKS! Hey, look! There's some real-live TRAFFIC! on an actual STREET! with PAYVE-MENT! and stuff! Wow, did I just see a *yellow cab?* That says "Hard-Ass NYC" to ME! Holy shit, a close-up of the street signs at the intersection of... wait for it... 53RD AND BROADWAY! Wow! So Russo likes to take in the *theater?* "Sure, I check out a show every so often... it's what all the TUFF GUYZ do! Have you seen 'Fosse?' You must, it's so very fabulous!" I can't stand it. I can't stand it. "Cut the music! First of all, I wanna make one thing perfectly clear. Upstate Rochester is NOT a part of New York! This dump might as well be Iowa!" Bagwell helpfully offers that this place sucks, and so does the Total Package. At Slamboree, Buff will show us that he's buff and he's the stuff. "Hey Nature Boy Ric Flair! For twenty-five years, these people have heard every wrestling interview that you've shot off from that big mouth of yours. Well, this might not sound like a wrestling interview, Ric, because it's a DAMN SHOOT! At Slamboree, I finally get what I've waited my entire career for - your ass on a platter delivered to me to get your ass Franchised!" Didn't these guys already wrestling on Nitro? Tony helpfully reminds us that it's Western Union Slamboree. Out comes TEAM PACKAGE for a rebuttal. Did they actually pick a clip of Flair putting the figure four on Chris Jericho for this entrance video? That's not petty or nothin', no sir, nope. Russo: "First of all, guys, let me just say that I anticipated this, so security, if you will please - how about a little protection for the boys?" About six guys stand in front of the ring. "Package, Package - awww, you made a mistake tonight, Russo! You're letting me talk! Wooo! That's good for me, and bad for you! Woooooo! Is that right? Here's the deal! I can't talk for Hulk Hogan, but I can say this for him: if I can concede his place and his greatness in this sport, then Billy Kidman damn well better. Hogan is the man. He is the white collar champion, but I tell you what I can do, Franchise, Bagwell, Russo, I can talk to you about legendary status between Sting, the Package, wooooo! and the Nature Boy! Woooo! You like that? Here's the lingo! Since 1985, Sting's been goin 'Woooo!' and they been goin' 'Woooo!' The Package has been goin' 'Grrrrrowl!' and they've been going 'Yaaaa!' And I've been goin' 'Wooooo! yeah' and they've been goin' 'Woooo!' You know why? Because we've bled and sweat this business, in '85, '86, '87, forty days, forty nights, WarGames, blood, sweat, we partied all night, we got up the next day, got on the jet, went to the next town, because we were the blood of this sport, not New Blood, not Old Blood, the blood - we made these people love WRESTLING. We earned it! We earned their respect! All he wanted to do, all Sting wanted to do, and all I wanted to do was be the best we could be on any given night, and you know what? Ask these people...we were! That's why, that's why, that's why were still here, and that drives you nuts. Russo, you're a mark! A mark for the business and a mark for Ric Flair! A mark for Luger! A mark for Sting! And Douglas, the last time I looked, there was only one Franchise in WCW - his name was Sting - and it still is! And on a brief, capsule synopsis, until you've wrestled Kerry von Erich in Texas Stadium, God rest his soul, in front of fifty thousand people, or Bruisy Bro- Bruiser Brody (God rest his soul) in the Budokan, that's Japan - until you've wrestled Piper, Hogan, Sting, Bret Hart, Luger - until you've wrestled them all, you can never be me. I have (pissed) away more money on bar tabs than all these of you will ever make! And I'll do it again tonight, once again, drinks are on the houe courtesy of the Nature Boy! Package...Package, Stinger, Nature Boy, Hogan, the old ones, the great ones were here - Douglas, at Slamboree - you see this? These are not spotlights - these are stars - these are stars that shine on us - if you wanna touch greatness in St. Louis, if you wanna touch greatness at Slamboree, then Russo, let's see how big your (balls) are, daddy - the only way - the only way - the only way Douglas gets to touch greatness is if you promise me, in front of the world, that if me - little old me - win, lose, die, you interfere in the match, I get you for five minutes at Slamboree, come on - come on, let's how big they are!" "You know what, Ric? I guess this is the part of the show where I'm supposed to be the chicken(shit) heel, right? Well I'll tell ya what, Naitch! I'd love your ass five minutes in the ring, because when the night is over, I will own you! [Huh?] You see what Ric, I'm not Wahoo, I'm not Dusty, I am Vince Russo and it is MY TIME. And you know why I will own you, Slick (Dick?) I will own you because I've got the Big Apples, baby!" Package interrupts and reminds Bagwell that he wanted to ride in the back seat with Sting and Luger, and he wanted the rollaway bed to save on expenses. Turning to Russo, he tells him to show some respect for Flair or he'll come down there, security or not. "You know, Lex, let me tell you something. I'm real happy to see you survived that fatal car crash known as the Lex Express, but ya know what? You're really starting to (piss) me off, Lex. And I'll tell you why you're (pissin') me off, because you know what? I'll NEVER have a body like you, Lex. I'll never have 4% body fat, and there's probably a lot of people in here that think I'll never have a woman like Liz on my arm! But Lex, you wanna talk about power? Let's talk about *power*. This past week I was goin' through the WCW contracts, and I came across something very interesting. And that is that YOU don't own Liz' contract, WCW owns it, which means *I* own LIZ. Liz is my PROPERTY, so security, if you will, I want you to walk up that ramp, grab Liz and bring her to me NOW. She is MINE, Lex. (Suck?) you, pal." Package says if he wants her, it'll be over his dead body - Team Package take out the two guys that walked up the aisle, then advance on the rest of security at ringside. In the process, Russo takes off and makes his way over to Liz and carries her off. Russo makes a King Kong pose before walking off. Tune in next week when Russo and Bischoff book themselves the REST of the women in this company. THIS is a major WCW onsale announcement! Friday, buy tickets for Biloxi for Nitro, Alexandria, Jackson, Tupelo, and Kalamazoo! Saturday tix on sale for Lafeyette for Thunder, Grand Rapids for Nitro, and Saginaw for Thunder! Local spot for WWF Backlash It's time now for "This Week in WCW Motorsports!" At Talladega, Blaise Alexander got support from Tygress and Spice and drove to an "inevitable restrictor plate racing tragedy" (translation: he crashed real good). Next week, Kevin Nash gets MONSTER TRUCK MADNESS! Thanks, Advance Auto Parts! "During the Break" footage shows Security piling Miss Elizabeth into a car, and Russo driving off - Liz being apparently too stupid to operate a car door from the inside. Meanwhile, Page takes Arquette to the trainer - but he SWEARS he's fine and blows off the coach. SUNNY DONNA (with "Hard Knox" Chris Candido) v. PAISLEY (with the Acronym) - Tammy comes to the ring to a ripoff of David Rose's "the Stripper" - just like she used to do in the WWF, when she was a LOT hotter. Yep, she's officially known as "Tammy" - well, according to the chyron, anyway. "I bet each and every one of you are wondering what I'm wearing under this robe - or more important, what I'm NOT wearing. Well unlike that little tease Paisley, I know what the men COME to see, and right now, boys, I'm gonna give it to ya!" And the robe is removed, and perhaps it's apropos that with THOSE thighs, she'd appear on *Thunder.* Oops, sorry. Anyway, she wisely wears an outfit to focus attention on her breast implants as opposed to other areas that her demons appear have taken residence in - I mean, taken over. Oh, geez, I'm SORRY. I SWEAR I'll go easier on Tammy from now on. Crackwhore-- JESUS, that JUST slipped out and I'm REALLY REALLY SORRY. Tammy attempts chain wrestling - making her the FIRST PERSON ALL NIGHT to attempt such a manoeuvre. We quickly shift into catfight mode and - gosh, this SHOULD be turning me on, but I just seem SO not in the mood. Paisley manages to come back with - a Golota? Does that REALLY hurt a woman the way it hurts a man? Tammy comes back with a Stone Cold Stunner (or, if you're Schiavone, a "jawbreaker"). "Watch out," she tells the cameraman - Tammy's climbing up top. "Here I come!" Oh, a plancha to the floor and onto Candido, the Artist AND referee "Blind" Charles Robinson. Candido manages to come to first, gets in the ring and tries a clothesline - Paisley ducks and Golotas Candido - well, if it had actually gotten anywhere NEAR his groin, that's what would have happened. Slap, slap, Candido back on the outside - Tammy in from behind, in the corner, whip is reversed, WEAK handspring elbow - crowd actually BOOS the poor execution - who'd ever have thought you'd hear me say "she ain't no Chyna?" Candido pulls her off Tammy and chokes away. Candido and the Artist fighting on the outside - Artist takes him to the barricade, then crotches Tammy on the top turnbuckle - again, how effective is that on a woman? Paisley tries to nip up, and fools no one. Tammy with a slap, trying for a Northern Lights (har har), but Paisley counters with a quasi-DDT. 1, 2, 3. Thank God it's over. (3:22) Tony likes it in short spurts - I BET he does. Post-match, Candido DDT's Artist and Tammy wails away on Paisley until they play her music. Boy, that Cruiserweight title match at WesternUnionSlamboree is gonna be a barn burner, ain't it? Gene O. stands with Booker, who has some words for Scott Steiner - namely, at Slamboree he'll take his US title - some blonde interrupts and helps Gene interview (or so the story goes) - anyway, Booker's got Awesome tonight - Booker proclaims Awesome "straight off the independent circuit" - har har. Meanwhile, Scott Steiner is with his hooches, but leaves in a huff, seeing Booker on the monitor. Hey, I wonder if he'll run in on the Booker/Awesome match? Jimmy Barron phones it in with 1-800-CAL-LATT - Nitro is in Birmingham Monday - several great entire sections still available Page and Arquette have another heart to heart - Arquette holds his ribs. He can still take out Bischoff though, so LAY OFF HIM, MAN! BOOKA v. JOBBED TO JOBBED TO JOBBED TO JUSTIN CREDIBLE - Let Us Take You Back to Last Week where Booker saved Jeff Jarrett's title, and Monday where Scott Steiner gained his revenge. Before the match even starts, out bounds SUPERSTAR SCOTT STEINER with his four - err, two hooches. I suppose if we're lucky, he'll grab the fourth headset - OH BOY!! HE'S ON IT! Steiner has a lot of words for Hulk Hogan, of all people. Man, Booker T. is da MAN - I sure wish his contract was up. Tony tells Steiner he's got the biggest arms in the world - what happened to that Big Jakes guy, huh? I mean, Paul Orndorff went on a SPECIAL MISSION to bring him to WCW! That sign saying "I'm drinking than Scott Hall" - that's missing a word, right? I'm really quite sorry I didn't bother with play-by-play with this match, 'cause Booker T is the man - I believe I said this a few minutes ago. Anyway, Steiner is over with the belt - and the waffle - behind the back of referee "Blind" Billy Silverman. Suddenly, I don't mind so much that I didn't bother to get THAT into this match. Sad, isn't it? I've been trained. But the problem is...when the matches don't matter anymore, what's the point of even bothering to tune into a wrestling program in the FIRST place? (Running Awesome bomb -> pin 5:13) Steiner puts Booker in the Steiner Recliner after the match. LASH LeROUX tries to make the save - and fails. CHAVO GUERRERO JR hits the ring - Steiner takes him out with a clothesline. Awesome runs him out. Now HUGH MORRUS is out, along with FAR OUT VAN HAMMER. The five somehow manage to overcome the two - Booker gives us surprise that all these crackas would come out and save HIS sorry black ass. Here's some replays. NEXT: Bret Hart SPEAKS! Promotional consideration paid for by Motel 6 7/8, Judge Wapner's cash scam, Western Union Money Transfer, Hot Pockets from Hot Pockets, and WCW Battle Arms (power to the people!) Here's a very special sitdown with SCOTT HUDSON and BRET CLARKE: Bret, we now know that it was Hulk Hogan that you wiped out in Rockford on Nitro with that chair. The questions have been answered; it was Hogan. Why Hogan and why now? I think anyone that knows me knows that, you know, like everything that I've ever tried to accomplish, everything I've ever done in the wrestling business, was to - was to try to - to be the best there is, the best there was - you know, to be that for real. Hulk Hogan stopped me from beating him; he ran from me, he ducked me, and he cost me what I wanted the most, which was a win over him. Isn't it convenient that Hulk Hogan shows up as soon as I'm gone? Does - does anyone notice that? As soon as I get injured, it's like, hey he's hurt, he may never come back, here comes Hulk Hogan marching back into the picture. Bret, to play devil's advocate here, there are those that say that with what happened with Hulk Hogan in the early nineties, what happened with Vince McMahon and - and Shawn Michaels a couple years ago, that - that you're susceptible to some mind games, do you think this is more mind games from Hogan? Do - Or do you think he really is afraid of you? Well...he must be afraid of me. You know, to have been "the man" in wrestling for so long, I'm not a rookie or anything, I've been around forever, I've been around - maybe as long as Hulk Hogan. And if you really look at it - and say why have these two biggest names in wrestling... Why have they never fought? Why has there never been a match? And I can tell you why, certainly wasn't 'cause *I* was afraid. It's because Hulk Hogan knew that when it came right down to technical wrestling, the one wrestler that could take everything he's got and still get up and apply the technical wrestling to beat him, 'cause that's his weakness - I was the one guy that would have beat Hulk Hogan when he was the "Hulkamania runnin' wild," I woulda beat him then and I woulda beat him now - I woulda beat him under any circumstance that he coulda created. Bret, I know this predates your arrival in World Championship Wrestling, of course it goes back to the early 1990's in the WWF when you feel, and rightly so, that Hulk Hogan held you back, kept you from attaining the peak of your goals in that organisation. You know, they call it passing the torch - you know, sometimes you have to pass the torch whether you like it or not. Sometimes your time comes, and you - you - you know, Andre passed the torch back to - to Hulk Hogan, and when it came for- time for Hulk Hogan to ah, pass the torch to me, umm what did he do? He - He ran off to the WCW is what he did, you know, I'm saying it sadly, right here, which possibly could be the end of my reign in the WCW - I came here for Hulk Hogan. Cite for me an example of what exactly Hulk Hogan has done to hold you back in World Championship Wrestling since your arrival here in WCW. Basically, the guy I rely on is Eric Bischoff. Eric Bischoff has been a friend to me from the time he's responsible for me coming, he PROMISED me Hulk Hogan, which was something that brought me to the WCW, and I believe Eric Bischoff when he tells me that it was all Hogan's fault... (Eric Bischoff excerpt from the 10 April Nitro: "The biggest mistake I've ever made...Hulk Hogan.") ...that Hogan derailed every idea that ever came across the table, like okay we've finally got Bret Hart vs. Hulk Hogan, and Hulk Hogan would scratch a line through it and say it's not gonna happen. Bret, we're here in your gorgeous home in Calgary, Alberta, Canada in the shadow of the Canadian Rockies, it's a - it's a palace, it's a showplace - does it feel like a prison? You know I've been frustrated for - for a long time in this house, and...you know, when I - you know, I'll sit down and I'll write my column, and I'll start writing, and I'll start a - find the words to - to express what I feel and I've - can't help but picture Hulk Hogan's face, and it makes me stop, I've thought - ah, I have to quit writing, I gotta go clear my head. I'll go to a hockey game and everything'll be great until somebody comes up and asks me how things are in the WCW, and it starts again, the whole thing - I can't find any peace, and uh - yeah, yeah, it's a bit like a prison around here, and I think it's time that I broke out. Bret, I know you've been cooped up in here since - since January. Bring the fans up to date on what exactly happened to you and what injury you suffered as a result. Well, I've had complications from, from, a concussion, that, um, probably was initiated by the Starrcade match with Bill Goldberg - he, uh literally kicked me in the head, tried to kick my head off my shoulders, ah, almost succeeded - ah, took several blows in matches after that, and by the time uh January, something came, I uh had trouble with my speed, I had fierce headaches that I can't even describe, um, that have never - still - still there. Umm, I've had short-term memory problems - I'm affected by bright lights and loud sounds - it's by far the single worst injury that I've ever had in wrestling - it's affected me...maybe forever. I'm anywhere from one to ten percent permanent damage from it. What's the prognosis - what are the doctors telling you, Bret? I got a list of doctors that I - that I've been dealing with, you know, and they - right now, I don't think anyone really knows how long, or what my status is in - in the actual wrestling. But I will say this much - that if I can't wrestle, well there's a hell of a lot more I can do besides that. It's whether I can wrestle or not sometimes doesn't become a factor, because it goes beyond that - it goes beyond wrestling - it goes beyond anything anyone ever thought of - this is more personal than people have any idea, and I will make Hulk Hogan pay, and pay, and pay, and pay, and he will be so sorry that he never had the guts to step in the ring with me and settle ie like a man, and since we're openly not gonna be men about it, then that's fine with me. I know Bret Hart doesn't want to be forced out due to injury, you want to go out on your own terms - what are those terms, as we sit here in Calgary? Well, if I could visualize my final quest in wrestling, it would be taking Hulk Hogan, putting his legs through in the Sharpshooter, turning him over, and waiting for that sweet sound of him screaming out that he's had enough. THAT - is the way I should go out. NEXT: Jeff Jarrett and Eric Bischoff - ARE - WALKING! Meanwhile, Page spells it out for Arquette - he's not coming, STOP! Arquette says okay - then dramatically holds his ribs and starts...WALKING! Hey, who wants another WCW Magazine plug? Eh? Eh? JEDOUBLEF JADOUBLEREDOUBLET & CRACKA EAZY-E v. DIAMOND DALLAS PAGE & DAVID ARQUETTE for the World Heavyweight Championship - Let Us Take You Back to Page's Big Title Win, ending Jeff Jarrett's Chosen Reign at a whopping EIGHT days. Well, there's no referee here. Ring announcer DAVID PENZER doesn't know. The "NWO Monday Nitro" theme plays...and out walks KIMBRRLY as the special guest breasts - REFEREE! No opening bell - HA! Some referee SHE is!! Arquette and Bischoff go outside and brawl - well, Page and Jarrett are outside as well now. No, they're back in the ring. Page with a swinging neckbreaker - Kimberly toddles over - 1.........."ohhhh, I broke a nail!" Punches traded, into the ropes, head down, Page with a sitout powerbomb! Page decides she isn't really gonna count. Well, she gets down, but Jarrett kicks out at zero. We check out Kim's thong. Heenan: "What's she got on - she's wearing a slingshot!" Tenay: "Aww, the deck is stacked, and so is the referee!" Kim with a LIGHTNING fast two for Jarrett, and no count for Page after the counter. Jarrett with a DDT - 1 2 nope. Bischoff is back. "He's all done!" Bischoff practices his "plane" move walking back down the aisle. Bischoff whips Page into the ropes - martial arts kick. Elbow. Kick. Kick. Crowd boos - then chants DDP. I think some people are adding a "sucks" in the pauses, naughty crowd! Jarrett wailing away on Page. Tag to Bischoff, double into the ropes, double clothesline by Page! Right for Jarrett, right for Bischoff, right for Jarrett, right for Bischoff, Arquette is holding his ribs and on the way back in. Sign of the Diamond Cutter! But Jarrett shoves Page - into Kimberly! Page stops short - and plants a Greco-Roman liplock on Kimberly! That'll be your ref bump for this match, I reckon. Arquette spears Bischoff. Jarrett's found the title belt and WAFFLES Page with it. Two men covering - MICKIE JAY is out, crawling past Jarrett and counting down Arquette's cover of Bischoff - 1, 2, 3! I GET LETTERS: Dana Charles Lee was there: oh boy!! Not a very popular decision as WCW decided to send the fans home pissed [like they are wont to do], and countless items were thrown into the ring. The debris was everywhere, even the ring announcer was drenched with the pale ale. From Peter Stork: At the radio station I work at, we normally get close to 100 shitty faxes a day, normally political crap since we're News/Talk. But today at 3:09 the most useless yet came across: FIRSTFAX USA MEDIA ALERT: DAVID ARQUETTE WINS THE WCW WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPIONSHIP Watch Tonight on WCW Thunder on TBS Superstation at 9:05 p.m.(ET) Syracuse, NY - David Arquette shocked the wrestling world by capturing the WCW ... etc. A six-page press release followed talking up Arquette really big, not WCW. The last paragraph, with Turner emails and AOL/TW company info implies it's WCW sending the release, not Arquette's people. What, were they expecting us to break into the news to broadcast this gem? I'm just REALLY glad I saw spoilers on pwtorch.com last night or I'd be buying my boss a new fax machine after seeing this gem come across. Of course this comes from a guy who ponied up $100 for Nitro tickets at Trans World Dome two weeks from now - FUCK ME. At least tickets for Raw go on sale Saturday. It sucks being a WCW mark. P.S. Your Sharks got lucky. PRONGER~! Finally, from Ron Lingron, with the Subject: line "1-800-WEGIVEUP" and edited just a touch: DAVID ARQUETTE? ... It has become that desperate. Forget the fact that Arquette has never cut a promo, nor had a match besides the one with Bischoff. Also forget the fact that he has no star power besides being a complete blathering idiot in the AT&T commercials. What needs to be noticed is that Russo and Bischoff have now gone where only the AWA has dared tread...The land of movie stars that can't possibly be tough, but somehow get over on actual "wrestlers". The AWA brought in Benchwarmer Bob Lurtsema (my wrestling knowledge replaced actual knowledge that I could use later on in life, as you can see) as a special enforcer referee, and the only thing I could do at the time is laugh at the complete idiocy of bringing in a guy that 1) I had never heard of, and 2) I had never heard of. Then, after doing nothing to tell me who this guy is, they go and make him to be some tough guy because he warmed the bench for the Vikings. The WCW has now gone there. Arquette MUST LOSE THE STRAP ON MONDAY. Best case scenario, the ratings shoot up to a whopping 3.4 for one week, and as soon as the newness of Arquette and his run wears off, where does the WCW end up? Right back where they were before doing this act of utter stupidity. Now, I don't expect a three year, or three month reign as WCW champ for Arquette, but now looking at the WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPIONSHIP, I can't help but see how little the MAIN BELT IN YOUR CESSPOOL OF AN ORGANIZATION means so little that the powers that be gave the strap to someone who isn't even a wrestler. At least when the WWF brings in someone who doesn't belong in the ring, you can believe he is kind of tough. Schwarzennegger, Tyson, Mr. T, for godssake. Notice when the WWF brought in Ben Stiller? He GOT HIS ASS KICKED like he was supposed to. They didn't put the strap on him. Give it to Abbott. Give it to The Cat. Give it to Lash LeRoux. If you're going to make this belt any less important, then give it to Mark Madden. Bischoff and Russo can't be that stupid, can they? The belt obviously doesn't mean a damn thing to Bischoff and Russo, because since they took over, FOUR different people have been champion in a grand total of FOUR weeks. Now, if it doesn't matter who the champ is (no pun intended), I ask another question. Why the hell should we as fans care who has it? Might as well be Ricki Lake. Say, isn't that an iceberg straight ahead? (3:46) Bif Naked plays - the ring fills with drinks - Page gives the world a hearty laugh. Out through the crowd. Replay. Ladies and gentlemen, we have a new.... That's it, I'm outta here. Christopher Robin Zimmerman
    www.CRZ.net