by Christopher Robin Zimmerman WrestleLine/WrestleManiacs I GET LETTERS - BOFFO BONANZA OF BACKTALK! Hey, remember the good old days when WrestleLine would do a weekly "Reader Feedback" thing? I sure miss that. I swear, sometimes I CARRY this site: (if you're not into letters, skip down past fourteen sets of italics) First off, passing acquaintance Butch Rosser writes: I think WCW should give out the address of Naitch's place, since you can just walk in, look around and walk away with a robe of your choice, apparently. >From Chris Carrell: Hey, I was sitting there during the Kimberly-Bischoff skit: First she pulls in $13 million. Now that she's kicked DDP out, SHE'S the one that has to look for cheap doublewides outside Vegas? Oy vey for internal consistency... Ron Lingron: Maybe it's just me... I can't get over the fact that throughout the first hour of Nitro, I was laughing to myself for actually trying to figure out where the show was going. It opens with the House of Pain match, where the only object is to handcuff your opponent and beat the hell out of him. For all the dastardly deeds that Vampiro has done, and for all the hype of this being a great Nitro, the only retribution Sting can muster is a couple of high cross bodies against the cage? Also, the announce crew sold Vampiro's head vs. the cage like he was going to blade, which of course never happened. At the end, Sting just walks out. That's it. Huh? The match was beyond horrible for me. The two Bryan's match was bad for the reasons you stated and one more glaring miss by the parties involved. Douglas challenged the two Bryans to a match, and there was never an answer from the Bryans as to if they accepted. Shane introduces his partner, The Wall came out, and the bell rang. Just a glaring mistake, making me shudder and beg for the 9PM PST hour. Now, to the Russo thing at Flair's house.....I thought that was a complete and total joke. What did it show? It showed that David probably had the keys to his dad's house, which allows them TO ENTER THE HOUSE!!!. It showed that Ric has a PICTURE OF HIS FAMILY!!!!, and a BEDROOM WITH A CLOSET!!! Furthermore, he has CLOTHES IN THE CLOSET!!! And he had A POOL IN THE BACKYARD!!! There was one saving grace for this segment and that was Russo saying "shark infested" for the stream that David had to swim in while growing up. Following me here? This was beyond horrible. If you're going to enter Flair's house, please discover that he's been hiding his mistresses in a secret room that only David knows about. Show him to be a person with a leather fetish. Do something besides show that Flair had a house!!! And to think that I actually thought that the show was improving..... >From "Russell:" Dear Dickwad, Now I know why I've hated you since the first time I read your lame excuse for a column. You are the definition of WWF mark! How is it that you even get to critique Nitro after marking out for a stale, boring Raw like you do? Is Wrestline that short on staff? I know you dig this, but I absolutely mean it. You have no journalistic integrity and I will never e-ever read the crap that you dish out again. By the way, I came across a picture of you on your website and you look the part. You look like a geeky, nothing-doing, fagboy WWF mark who jerks off every time Rocky comes out and spews his lame catch phrases. You're one of the ugliest excuses for a human being that I've ever seen. I hate to get personal, but it's true! It's true! Thank you very much! No, thank YOU! Thai Yang offers: Hey yo Did you happen to catch Vince Russo fall off the "new" walk way after the Flair match? it was funnier than hell. I didn't...but I WISH I had! My longtime close personal friend Trevor Pickering screams: ITS AMAZING TO ME HOW YOU CAN STILL BASH ON WCW EVEN AFTER THEY PUT ON A SHOW THAT COMPLETELY BLEW AWAY RAW AND THEN SCORES A HUGE RATING. AND I REMEMBER YOU TELLING ME 2 WEEKS AGO THAT CRASH TV WILL NEVER GET RATINGS AND HAS ALREADY FAILED. WELL MR. WRESLTING GENIUS WHO IS GETTING SHOWN UP NOW. AND BY THE WAY PROBABLY ONLY 1 8TH OF WRESTLING FANS ARE INTERNET MARKS. SO TO THEM ITS ON WEDNESDAY. SO STOP KISSIN YOUR READERS BUTTS. AND YOU ALSO SAID RIC FLAIR IS TOO OLD TO DRAW RATINGS. OUCH. HE SURE BIT INTO RAWS RATINGS I....can't respond to this argument. My ears are bleeding. Mike I. (as in "I can't spell his last name"), my main man: Shouldn't the MIAs shirts say FYBAR? Speaking of which, shouldn't Hogan's shirt say FYNB? And Bryan Clarke still isn't as relaxed as he ought to be if he's smoking that much weed. Many, MANY of you wrote to offer the translation of FUBAR - I apparently didn't make it clear enough that I actually *knew* that it meant F*cked Up Beyond All Recognition, but thanks for offering. >From Philip: Hey, did you see Vampiro's wrists were already out of the cuffs before the cage had raised to the point that it would do him any real harm... Methinks that we were supposed to still be looking at Sting doing his Hogan flex in the aisle... Either that or the lights were supposoed to be out a little bit earlier. Missed that one too...must have been a bad Monday for me... Marty "Danger" Ferris:Hey CRZ, Just wanted to say you always give some kick-ass recaps, they crack me up. Anyways- if anyone out there knows anything about the army chain of command, it goes something like Lieutenat, Captain, Major. Looks like when the Russhole gave Cap'n Rection his new name he also gave him a lobotomy. I mean C'MON, he's in charge of like THE COOLEST AND BEST WRESTLING UNIT EVER! The Crem de la crem, the elite of World Championship Wrestling, and he surrenders that control by promoting Van Hammer and two breasts over himself? I hope he's getting some nookie outta Major Guns for that promotion or else he may have to be refered to as the dumbest wrestler alive thereby replacing Sting and Rick Steiner. Keep up the good work my man. Well, on one hand, Hammer's "promotion" was apparently a mistake - he's supposed to be SERGEANT Stash (see the alliteration? That's an homage to Patterson!) - as for the breasts outranking the captain, I....actually, I have no problem AT ALL with that. By the way...your signature is a real trip, mah fren'. Rudy Panucci: An observation... I was wondering why nobody's pointed this out, and I figure that if anybody would, it would be you. Isn't this whole "David Flair feels unloved by his dad and has serious issues with his sibling" storyline awfully familiar? Didn't the WWF do this last year with Shane, back before Vince was revealed to be the higher power? Remember the location shoot at the McMahon mansion? Shane complaining about Stephanie being the "princess"? Shane striking Vince? "You're not my dad anymore! You're not Mr. McMahon anymore! You're just Vince!" How much do you want to bet that in Russo's original plot, HE would have been revealed to be the higher power? Is it going to turn out that Russo is working for Ric Flair? I have to say that R&B have made great strides in building up WCW to a third-rate imitation of RAW. It's a shame that they're recycling so much old WWF material to do it. Maybe we'll get to see some sort of revival of Harry Beaver Cleavage. And following his recent pattern, Russo will probably name one of the WCW refs "Dick Hurtz". ECW beat you on that one, actually...only, it wasn't a ref. If I pointed out EVERY time WCW imitated WWF, people might accuse me of BIAS! Matthew Varner: I just read your most recent Nitro Recap and I have to ask......"What the hell is your problem?" I can understand that you like the WWF more than WCW, which is fine. But dude, why are you always bagging on Nitro? I mean, "the Rick" is pro-WWF but is still impartial when he does his reports on the Monday night Wars. It seems you've always got something bad to say about Nitro at every segment. Maybe I just don't understand your sense of humor but man, relax. Nitro is a lot better show than it was a few months ago. See what I mean? Brian: CRZ... Masterful recaps, as ever. What the hell was up with Russo's "Expose" into the life of Ric Flair? The way he kept referring to himself as Geraldo Riviera was truly bizarre, especially with Madden/Schiavone/Whoever it was backing him up. "He's Geraldo, remember? He can do that!" The lengths to which WCW will go to explain their storylines... I think Geraldo's last attempt at an expose was a complete flop, opening Al Capone's vault on national televisison only to find it empty. So maybe Russo isn't too far off the mark here after all. And would someone tell Daffney to shut up? Is she supposed to be "edgy" or something? Really, that screaming gets annoying. The best Nitro ever booked? I don't know... I give them credit, though. They at least tried to mix more wrestling into their storylines. What's the point of storylines without an actual in-ring conflict anyway? And a question... Why don't you ever weigh in on the Monday night rankings? We hear plenty from The Rick et. al, but no CRZ. Just wonderin'. Thanks fer the recaps. I read the damn things even if I have seen the previous night's show. On Tuesday, I produced about FOURTEEN THOUSAND words about what happened on Monday - I hope you don't mind if I skip out on the ratings. Jason Kelley: CRZ:
Love the recaps, blah, blah, blah. Have you noticed every interview contains reference to one of the following:
1) Cutting one's music
2) Hitting one's music
3) Commenting on another wrestler "coming out here"
4) Commenting on another wrestler being "back there" I honestly cannot remember the last time one of these lines wasn't used. Also, I can't remember the last time Jeff Jarrett neglected to use all four to cut a promo. But what do I know, I'm a WCW fan. UGH. And finally, from Cory McGuire: With a captain, a major, a corporal, and a lieutenant already in the group weren't you a little surprised the female member wasn't Private Parts. I know I am. Congratulations, Cory...you've just moved to the head of the line as "men to replace Russo." Thanks to EVERYONE who writes - even the guys who hate me...especially the ones who take care to continue to read, then write after EVERY report, telling me WHY they hate me! Enough with the merry chit chat! LET'S GET TO ... oh, it's just Thunder. Never mind. TV-PG-DLV - WCW logo Clip package from Nitro - the music totally overpowers the commentary, so hopefully you saw this Monday, or else you're screwed...oh, sorry, was that criticism? Opening credits Outside the arena, a school bus with paint is open and outside it stand Cat, Horace, Vampiro, Stasiak, Tammy, Candido and Douglas (with clipboard). Exiting the bus are Inferno, Guerrera, Torrie, Kidman, Mysterio and Konnan. Konnan's quick to have some words with the man left in charge of the show, and quickly Konnan and Douglas break out into spontaneous muting and brawling. As if THAT fighting wasn't enough, the Millionaire's Club, Kronic, the Misfits in Action, Booker and Terry Funk join the fray. "What a wild way to kick off Thunder in the parking lot!" Hogan almost waffles Brian Adams (oops!) but everything sorts out...at the end of it, Hogan tells his men that he's got the keys...apparently, the keys to the bus. I won't complain about this. There goes the pyro! WE ARE ON TAPE from the Cajundome in Lafayette, LA 17.5.2K (taped 16.5) and you're watching WCW Thunder - on WTBS! This portion of Thunder is brought to you by Castrol Motor Oily! Let's get that RIGHT out of the way Your hosts are the AWESOME 3 - we have a new Heavyweight Champion of the world - I won't say "the fifth in five weeks" because some of you might accuse me of COMPLAINING - oops "American Made" fires up and out come the MILLIONAIRE'S CLUB, BOOKA, THE MIA, and TERRY FUNK. Hogan will cut the music. "You kow something, New Blood - we just took the keys to your bus, boys - and now we're takin' the keys to this house! And by the way, Franchise, whatever you had planned tonight, it ain't happening. So go ahead and rip it up and throw it out." Hogan proclaims the Millionaire's Club bookers for the night, "so stick it!" This brings out the NEW BLOOD ORDER to the Deep Purple riff. Douglas ALSO wants the damn music cut. "Hey - Terry 'the Bulkster' Hogan - maybe - maybe you haven't paid attention around here - Russo & Bischoff put the Franchise in charge of this damn show tonight!" Douglas plans on ruling the show with an iron fist, and if he wants to challenge him, he's welcome to come on over. Hogan says to hold on a minute - first he wants to have some words with Kidman. He knows he's been talking to his "smugly" girlfriend about beating up on Hulk Hogan. "Well, you need to check the record books, SON. You need to look at the win-loss column." Stone Cold Hogan goes on to ask for a rematch...and if he wins, he gets a shot at the WCW title at Bash at the Beach. Kidman calls Hogan a mark and everybody laughs. Then he accepts the challenge. Hogan tells "Whore-ass" that his uncle's gonna kick his ass tonight. Jarrett gets the mic and says "Jurassic slapasses" and asks for his stolen property back. "Now I wanna know where America's most wanted, most notorious deadbeat dad, Ric Flair's at, 'cause I want MY title back. Now get his ass out here, n--" and THE MAN appears from behind the curtain and waffles Jarrett with the title. The New Blood beat down Flair until everyone in the ring runs down the aisle and it's on once again. Everybody takes turns brawling back behind the curtain - or down the stairs to the other side of the stage. Play "American Made" again! Wow! "Stone Cold" is airing tomorrow! I think it's in the TBS charter that they have to play that once a quarter... Backstage, everybody asks what're we gonna do? Douglas tries to rally the troops with muted words until Konnan pipes up, calling Douglas a "j-brone" and accusing him of trying to screw the Filthy Animals by having them fight HIS battles. Then they walk off. Whoops, there's Hulk Hogan trying to get out of the shot. I won't complain about that...even though it shouldn't have appeared on my TV screen... The FILTHY ANIMALS come out with their new entrance. Da Juice says finally he's come back to St. Louis. Konnan throws out the ol' open challenge... FILTHY ANIMALS v. MISFITS IN ACTION (with Major Guns) - Cpl. Cajun takes the mic and spouts his...what's French for catchphrase? Fortunately, he's in a town where they know the chant, so laissez les bon temps rouler! Unfortunately, he gets punked out 'pon finishing it by Disco Inferno. Whip is reversed - avalanche by Cajun, avalanch by Loco, avalanche by Stash - running splash by Rection. Everybody starts brawling, and Guns gets into the ring and...well, we TSN the move, so it must have involved her crotch and Disco's face. Once it all shakes out, Inferno gets a cheap shot on Stash and takes in de Juice. Dropkick to the knee, another dropkick to the knee, chop, sat up on top, Frankensteiner! Now the commentators are calling him "Major" Stash again - oh well. Stash sits in the opposite corner - catches him with a gutshot - chop - Guerrera sat up on top - elbow - "I smoke weed" hand motion - half hour superplex? Yowza. 1, 2, Inferno makes the save. Rection in without a tag - elbowdrop misses. Mysterio comes in without a tag - well, he tags on his way in...oh well. Dropkick. Right, right, right, wants the broncobuster but he stands up - Mysterio with more punches and kicks - going back to try it anyway - leaping up on his shoulders at the level of the top rope - Rection stands up and ...Mysterio punches away repeatedly, but when Rection falls he STILL ends up powerbombing him. Referee "Blind" Billy Silverman putting on the count - tag to Loco, tag to Konnan - Loco dropkick, shot for Inferno, drop toehold for Konnan, off the ropes with a dropkick, ahh great, the music fires up the SHAWN "THE PERFECT ONE" STASIAK walks out. Well, no more play-by-play from me, then. Stasiak pulls the top rope and Loco tumbles over onto the aisle. Silverman calls for the bell (relaxed DQ 3:17) as Stasiak DDT's Loco on the aisle. Interesting choice of camera angle shows that Guerrero's head really didn't come anywhere near the ground (oops), but I'm not criticising it - just pointing it out, friends. Pier Seven Brawl breaks out in the ring - Stasiak joins them. Now BOOKA T. comes out and quickly clears the ring of Animals and Stasiak. Booker's music plays as Guns strips off her shirt and gives some mouth-to-mouth to Lt. Loco. Tenay has a funny line about her "lung capacity." Now they play the "Zoo" ripoff. In the back, the Millionaire's Club/Kronic/Funk folks celebrate as they watch this on the monitor. Total Package says he's got something to take care of. What could it be? Will we find out after this short commercial break? Hey - no complaining in THIS paragraph! If it's Thunder, it must be the Thunder Tailgate Party! All praise to Finish Line! Strange - they showed Buff Bagwell signing autographs...but...wasn't he suspended? You mean...this set of clips might NOT have been from that day's Thunder Tailgate party? Oh man...now I can't believe in NOTHIN' no more. GENE O. works tonight! He asks Booker what he's doing helping out the MIA. Booker says he admires their FUBAR shirts, where the BAR stands for Bischoff And Russo and the FU stands for "you Figure it oUt." Booker thinks it's time to make a change - "it's time for Booker T. to declare all out war - now can you dig it?" YOU KNOW WHO v. HORACE (with Torrie Samuda) - Let Us Take You Back to Nitro where Horace turned on Hogan, thanks to a gaze from Torrie Wilson. Oh, did I mention earlier tonight that Kidman and Horace were having some pantomimes while Douglas was speaking? Hogan asks for the music to be cut (keeping count, JK?) "Y'know something, I'm not gonna take nothin' away from Horace, because when my brother passed away, Horace's father passed away, he had a few problems growin' up and I never laid a hand on him, but tonight I'm gonna kick Horace's ass. Getcher ass out here, Horace!" Backstage, Horace, Kidman, Torrie and Stasiak watch on the monitor. Horace asks Wilson to go with him, but Kidman objects. Torrie tells him to remember what Vince and Eric said...Kidman shoves, Horace decks him. Stasiak holds him back as they walk off. Hey, a Hogan match only a half hour into the show? Hulk punches away as we start - now blows are traded - now it's all Horace - but Hulk's trick knee acts up. Chop, right, into the ropes, clothesline. I suspect fake crowd noise - but I'm not criticising, mind you. Just point it out. Through the ropes, Hogan follows, head to the STEEL steps, whip into the barricade. How does it stand to reason that Hogan should get a World title shot if he beats Kidman...again? Hogan going for a table - but Horace is over with a double axehandle - clubbing forearms. Chop from Horace, forearm, forearm, Hogan with the eyepoke, right, right, right, going back to the table. It's stood up now. Hulk with a knee, right, right, Horace with a right, dueling facerakes, Horace chop, Hulk facerake, have you ever SEEN this many rakes of the face? Rolled back in, Hogan axehandle, he may wear all black but the weight belt is yellow - WHIP! ear cup for the crowd. WHIP! Choke with the strap coming up - series of shitty punches (10) as he mounts him. Field goal kick. Off the ropes, clothesline with the strap. Hulk sets it down and sets him up for the ...no, it's a crotchin' on the top rope. Torrie on the apron - Hulk over with a menacing brandish of the weight belt - but because we have no violence to women in WCW, Horace is over to get the shot from behind. Stomp by Horace, stomp, stomp, five rights. Horace and Torrie make eyes - Horace takes a break for a kiss! But now BILLY KIDMAN is out and punching away on Horace while Hulk goes outside and puts his belt back on. Referee "Blind" Mickie Jay gonna let this go. Chair for Horace's back - WHACK! He goes down as potatoes. Got Kidman - over the top rope - and THROUGH THE TABLE! Cover, leg hooked - 3. (3:52) Hmmm, I see ...whoa, wait for this! Torrie in to check on Horace - Hogan get her hair...and a right hand winding up, winding up...wait, this is WCW! No violence to women! Hogan smiles and gives the "no-no-no" finger to the crowd - then he PLANTS one on her. Right on the lips. Torrie gets all smiles as Hogan melodramatically wipes off his lips. Play his music again - and Torrie follows out after him. Okay, back to my thought. "Hmmm, I see..." Hmm, I see three guys in the ring there. One guy is getting the push. Hulk Hogan. Hulk Hogan. Hulk Hogan. Yeah, boy...things SURE is diff'rnt. Outside, Total Package is driving off - and asks the security dude where the nearest gym is. Wait a minute - a MAN asking for DIRECTIONS?? Wrestling's GOTTA be fake!! Ahhh...we're in a gym...gym....wait a minute...anyway, the Main Event is doing a set, gettin' some reps - we look around,towards the door - hey, bad form, dude - Total Package comes in and motions to everyone to take a hike. Then he takes the place of Palumbo's spotter. Not only does Palumbo NOT notice, but apparently he didn't notice that camera right in front of him. Package whacks Palumbo with his flexer (or a carefully switched fake), then runs him into some garbage cans, uses a weight bar and chokes him with...ah hell, you think I ever go to a gym? You've seen me. That's a weight belt - I know THAT for sure. Package puts Main Event in a laundry cart and then takes a weight to him. Then he dumps a protein shake on him for luck. Meanwhile, outside the arena, Norman Smiley and Ralphus are selling "bootleg T-shirts" out of the trunk of a car. I know you're probably wondering how they got to Lafayette from Biloxi, but don't you DARE complain! Moments Ago - what, did you step out during the last segment? Nitro airs at 7 next Monday! Hey, does that mean it's on at 4 on the west coast? What do you MEAN you don't care? This shit's IMPORTANT! TERRY FUNK v. THE NEW GODFATHER OF SOUL for the World Hardcore Championship - Let Us Take You Back to Monday where Funk survived against the Filthy Animals (who some people will try to tell you ARE *REALLY* GETTING A PUSH NOW, BY GOLLY!) - "Hey Cat!! Heh heh heh. Well, Cat, I want you to dance your silly ass out here right now! I am not going to give you a chance at the hardcore belt next month, next week, tomorrow night, but right now. Come on out here if you got the guts, Cat!" Cat asks for the music to be cut, then proclaims himself too pretty to be in a hardcore match, somebody call his momma, he's about to whoop up an old piece of ... JUNK! DDT on the aisle - 2. Neckbreaker on the stage - 2. Cat goes to the gut - and finds it! Big heel kick. Out behind the curtain. Cat stops to tell us he's a three-time world karate champion and gives Funk the advantage in the process - with a garbage can. We continue through the go position, past the table of officials with headsets, to a table with some laptops on it - whack - whack - chair - into a table full of empty water jugs - plastic garbage can - "I'm the greatest" - onto another table - punch - aluminum can - oh, man, they better use that bag of popcorn - garbage can - garbage can to the wall - Funk upends a trash can on Cat - YEAH! CAT WITH THE POPCORN!! Heenan says "looks like Knobbs' living room!" and I'm all "who?" Cat runs Funk into a garage door - pounding him down - putting on the badmouth. Garage door SLAMMED on him - this might be a good time to pin him - well, no one ever accused the Cat of being brainy. Outside we go - cyclone fence - strategically placed poles - rake - Cat swinging the rake like he's Steve Blackman. Out to the bootleg T-shirt table - card table over Cat - Smiley protesting loudly but having no effect. Chair over Cat - Ralphus: "No, not my car!" Funk demolishes the car's windows with his chair. Cat with a chair to Funk. Cat: "Shut the hell up!" Cat pounding all over him - they're on the roof - Funk to the trunk (it rhymes!) and off the back end. Smiley asks Cat if he'd like to buy a shirt - Cat takes Smiley into the cyclone fencing. Ralphus and Cat fighting over the trunk - it gets opened. Somehow, Cat and Funk end up in the trunk - Funk on top - Jay dutifully counts 1, 2, 3. Bah. Not that I'm criticising, mind you. (5:39) Mike Awesome is WALKING! with a stretcher When we come back, the TV-PG-DLV ratings box spots Smiley and Ralphus trying to clean up their stand - a man walks up and arrests Smiley for bootleggin', and Ralphus for "indecent exposure." "NO NICKNAME THIS WEEK" MIKE AWESOME hits the ring, but does not ask for the music to be cut. He DOES ask for everybody to shut their mouths, though. "As everybody knows, I crippled Kanyon and threw his butt right off the top of that cage! And now as a result, Kanyon's gonna be sucking soup through a straw for the rest of his life! And now, we're to Diamond Dallas Page. It seems that he's done went and made the mistake and signed on the dotted line to face me (Mike Awesome, the Career Killer) at the Great American Bash! And yes, that will be an ambulance match at the Bash, so Page, let me tell you something Page, you'd better right now go and reserve yourself a room right next to your chump friend Kanyon, because that's where you're gonna be right after the Bash! And one more thing - I don't have a match scheduled right now, so whoever's got the Spauldings, just bring it on down - and let's play!" A familiar siren goes off... MIKE AWESOME v. SUPERSTAR SCOTT STEINER (with Midajah & Shaquira - okay, YOU spell it, then) in an ambulance match - Steiner asks for the music to be cut (yeah!) and where's my dictionary. "Now, before you start challenging people in the back, you better realise who's back there, because you don't have what it takes to meet me, boy - and I do mean 'boy!' Now I'm not part of New Bloods, I'm not part of the Millionaire's Club, my only alliance is to my freaks nationwide! Now after I put your punk ass in that ambulance, I want you to tell that New York son of a (bitch) R--Vince Russo who kicked your ass on Thunder!" Awesome tries to rush him, but Steiner ducks - atomic drop. Kick, kick, kick, kick, right, right, right, right, right, right, belly-to-belly, pushups, Awesome rolls outside and takes a breather. Got a chair - Steiner catches it - then throws it back at him. Awesome in - knee from Steiner, knee, knee, knee, knee, into the ropes, clothesline, kiss the elbowdrop, 1, 2, kickout. I thought this was an ambulance match. Maybe that's what he's arguing with referee "Blind" Billy Silverman about. Maybe not. Awesome's head meets the buckle, again, trick knee acts up. Finally Awesome gets some offense, right, stomp, stomp, right, stomp, scoop - and a slam. Awesome outside, to the top - flying clothesline. 1, 2, no. Awesome Bomb setup - but Steiner backdrops out of it. Blockbuster suplex. Steiner Recliner....but Goldberg's music is playing? Must be time for an Abbott run-in, right? Steiner breaks the hold and puts Awesome over the rope and onto the aisle. Is this an ambulance match? Sure enough, we look backstage and there he is, doing his Gillberg impersonation. Flanked by R&B Security, Doug Dillenger, and Rick Steiner (way in the back - he of the sleeveless shirt). Scott stares at the TurnerTron...and waits. While Goldberg's entrance video plays, JOBBED TO DAVID ARQUETTE brings out his sparklers, about a dozen R&B SECURITY guys....and RICK WOOF WOOF. "It was all a swerve!" What was - giving it away on the viewscreen? Anyway, Steiner runs at Abbott, they exchange blows - then Rick comes in and the numbers take command - until Scott turns it - not even Awesome joining in can stop this man. Abbott DOES sneak in his hand of stone, though. As they go to put the now unconscious Steiner into the ambulance, we hear the noise of a motor backstage...it's the SCARY GOLDBERG MONSTER TRUCK. Steiner comes to and tosses both his brother and Abbott onto the hood of the truck, which backs away. Awesome decides to board the ambulance and take off. Silverman awards the match to Steiner. Commentators are SURE that the unseen driver is actually Goldberg. Boy, WAS THIS *GREAT!!* (4:57) Coming up - a special bedside interview with Kanyon! Here's a snippet. The WCW Thunder Tailgate - geez, there's the suspended Buff Bagwell again - really ruins the ol' plans, don't it? Gooooo Yamaha! Promotional consideration paid for by Slim Jim (no Savage), Boston Market TV dinners (watch for them to have two more spots tonight), Judge Wapner's cash scam, Super Soaker, and WCW Powerslam Wrestlers! Close captioning (where available) sponsored by MEINEKE! Douglas addresses the troops - he's been talking with Eric and he isn't pleased. It breaks down into finger-pointing all around. Time now for a special bedside interview from Kansas City - you figure out which is Mike Tenay, and you figure out which is CHRIS KANYON: Chris, it was last Monday on Nitro, just 24 hours after the horrific incident at Slamboree, when doctors advised us that you had suffered severe trauma to your spine. It was almost a "wait and see" situation at that point from the doctors. It's been a week since then - can you bring us up to date? Yeah, I'm still real weak, especially from the waist down - but weakness everywhere...my arms, my fingers, my hands...I have trouble breathing...just tired all the time. Well, that brings us up to speed physically - but emotionally, how are you doing? (sighs) That's been the harder part. Since I was 13, all I thought about was being a wrestler, being in this business, and ever since the injuries, I don't think about wrestling anymore. I'm thirty years old and I've been relatively healthy my whole life, and now I gotta hear the doctors - the question isn't when I'll walk again, it's if. That's real hard. I - I still wanna wrestle - still a goal of mine, but right now my main thoughts are of getting out of this bed and getting healthy again, and I hope it's possible - possibility. Chris, I know this is going to be difficult but let's try and take you back to Slamboree - that cage match involving Diamond Dallas Page, David Arquette, and Jeff Jarrett. What would possess you to physically get involved in that cage match? I wrestled Mike Awesome earlier in the night, and I was pretty beat up from that match, and - so I - I meant to go out there with Page and Arquette and watch the match, but I just couldn't get myself up to do it. I was watchin' - Page had been through so much up to that point - uhh, you know, he used to be real good friends with Bischoff, and...and you know, now, he hates him and, and his wife...left him, and...I'm sittin' in the back realising all that had already happened to him, and the title means a lot to Page, and all of a sudden Jarrett turns - Jarrett beats him and Arquette turns on him, and - I felt so bad for Page, and then I saw what Awesome was about to do to him, and I just couldn't sit back and watch it happen. So I ran out there, and got up on that cage and...you know it'd be real easy for me to sit here and blame Awesome, be mad at him, but I knew the risks goin' up there - when - when he grabbed me and threw me, I pretty much blacked out, I don't remember much after that. I went out there because Page has always a big supporter of mine, and a good friend...and I felt I owed him. Chris, you keep referring to Diamond Dallas Page, and I know I read in a recent issue of WCW Magazine that really, with the exception of your parents, you credit DDP with helping you out more in your life and your career than...basically anyone. But, Chris, Diamond Dallas Page is out walking today, while you're confined to this hospital bed. That's true...but I have 24 hours a day for the last - eight, nine days to think about myself, and that gets old real quick. Like I said, Page has done a lot for me, and...you know, he has a lot more to deal with now. He has his wife, and his career, and...and plus me, you know the first night - he was the one here all night. I was in and out all night and don't remember much, but I do remember every time I came to, it was him sittin' where you are right now, and that meant a lot, and ever since then, they have him on the road, wrestling and doing all the stuff that he does on the road, and...but he calls two, three, four times a day to check in on me. And that means a lot. My biggest fear now is...other than my own condition is, Page - I don't want him to get in too deep. I don't want him to make this a real personal vendetta where he does something he regrets, or gets into a position that he regrets. Page has taught me so much - about life, about wrestling. The biggest thing he ever taught me was, be a survivor. I'll survive this one way or the other. I just hope he can. Back in the New Blood office, more words are spoken and more fingers are pointed. Douglas' cel phone rings - it's Kronic, and they want a three-way dance. Douglas asks for the doors to be closed - instead, they all take off, leaving Douglas alone. Advance Auto Parts presents This Week in WCW Motorsports! DAMAGE! The car was black flagged and forced to call it a day! They SUCKED! Next week: what happens when the car pulls into the pits? I'm gonna go out on a limb and guess: A PIT STOP In the local slot, UPN 44 sneaks in a "WWF SmackDown!" ad Time once again to crash the Thunder Tailgate Party. Hey, you don't think Buff Bagwell will...nope, didn't see him THIS time. Did those guys just say "Valvoline tastes like motor oil?" Well, I'd HOPE so...ohhh, Valvoline MAX LIFE motor oil. Gotcha. Does Castrol know about this? "Moments Ago," Kronic busted in on Douglas and made merry with him. KRONYKK, who were apparently just sitting there backstage WAITING while this clip was replayed, bring out SHANE DOUGLAS and referee "Blind" Charles Robinson. They brawl all the way out to the ring, where a bell rings. Douglas wraps his fist and gets in some loaded punches, but this is a two on one. I'm expecting a run-in by now, so let's blow through the "action" and flash to the Meltdown by Clark, the "what a move" by Adams, and the double clothesline over the top rope and onto the aisle. Douglas lifts the tag belts and tries to leave, but THE WALL meets him with a table. Looks like a chokeslam through the table for Douglas. Wall presses Douglas and tosses him into Kronic - oops, not far enough, they drop him - that looks kinda painfaul for Shane there. Kronic exchange confused looks at the Wall - Douglas tells Kronic to go get the Wall - yeah, right. High Time. Clark puts a hand on him - 1, 2, 3. (3:07) Play their crappy music! Wall nods knowingly. I bet later they all go smoke some weed! Ric Flair - the champ - is WALKING! Jimmy Barron phones in the Road Report with 1-800-CAL-LATT. Monday, Nitro is in Grand Rapids! FEEL IT! Hey, by the way - Nitro is on earlier next week. As THE MAN walks to the ring, Let Us Take You Back to Monday, where that happened, and that, and that. Flair soaks it in. "Wow, what a moment." Crowd chants "fifteen times." "Thank you - thank you. Let me just - let me just recognise a few things. First of all, I never dreamt that this would ever happen again. And I was damn lucky that it happened to me. I beat a great champion. Jeff Jarrett, you don't know it right now, you're a little confused, but you have been the World Champion on multiple occasions - you are a great wrestler, and I got lucky, but I still got the belt. Jarrett, you come from the old school, you don't like to admit it, but you come from the old school. And I'll respect that, and I respect you, but as of right now, Jarrett, you ain't got the title - woooo - the Nature Boy does! And what I gotta do is get my home life put back together. Because I've got a son that's just like you, Jarrett, that's confused - and mind-boggled, he's overwhelmed by the one and only Vince Russo. Now, let me give you - before I get into it, David, I want to give the world my take on Vince Russo, and this is not a crack on the Italians - this is my take - you see, Russo, the way I see it, you were a skinny little Italian kid growin' up in the Bronx. In New York! And your papa said, like every young man in New York, 'you wanna be like Bruno Sammartino, the champion of the WWWF!' And you said, 'oh papa, I admire Bruno - he's a great man, a great role model, but he, he's a little bit too slow. I want - I wanna be a little slicker.' He said, your papa said, 'oh no no Vinny, you gotta grow up, you gotta be like Bruno - he's the man!' And you said, 'oh papa, papa, please, please I want something else in life.' So I figure your dad had a little more money than the rest of the guys in the neighbourhood, he bought you the cable - out of Atlanta, Georgia - TBS! And one day - one day, your daddy heard you goin' 'Papa! Papa! Daddy! Daddy! Mama! Come! Come see! Come see!' Your daddy ran into the room, horrified, he said 'no, turn that off! Turn it off!' You said, 'Papa, I wanna be just - like - him - woooo!' Your momma went 'oh no! Vinny, this is a good Catholic family - you can't be like the Nature Boy! You can't style and profile!' Your papa said to Vinny, 'Vinny, you can't be like the Nature Boy! You got no muscles. You got no girlfriends. You got no long limousine. You can'ta be like the Naitch-cha Boy! 'Oh, papa, please daddy, let me be like Ric Flair--' 'No! NO! You be this way!' 'Oh, no, daddy - I'm going to be like him someday.' So NOW it's all rolled around - you're a big skinny little punk with no muscles, with a book, a checkbook, and you think you got the power to make people's lives come and go - you're *wrong.* You couldn't control me - you couldn't be like me, you couldn't be like Sting, you couldn't control Luger, you couldn't, for God only - you could NEVER be Hulk Hogan. So whaddaya do? Ya come in the back door, ya write the big cheques, you make yourself bigger than life, but in reality, you're justa kid, you wanta be, like de Naitcha Boy - woooo! Did I say that right? Was I right? You wanted to be a kiss stealing, wheeling dealing, limousine riding, jet flying son of a gun, that kissed all the girls in the neighbourhood and make them cry. Instead, you were a skeeny little boy with no muscles, you got no girls, you ain't got 'em now, you ain't got me, Hogan, Luger, Sting, NOBODY, and as of Monday night, brother - look at this, jack - woooo! You ain't got the world title - it belongs to the ooooooooooooold generation. This is Luger, Sting, Hogan, Flair and every other guy you've dared to call old. This is tradition. I got lucky, but I got the belt! And brother in this sport, havin' THIS is all there is. You know it, and I know it. Now let me tell you this, the way I see it, you're not able to have me, not able to have the other great ones. So you grab my son. You are trying to live your life vicariously through my son - it ain't gonna happen - I'll bring him on--" "Not Kid Rock's Cowboy" strikes up and out walks JEDOUBLEF JADOUBLEREDOUBLET. "I have heard enough of this outlandish vaudeville crap! You are a notorious deadbeat dad, you've got my stolen property, and I'm fixin' to step into this ring and pull it out (of your ass)." "Trying to tell everybody that you--" but Jarrett hits the ring and the fight is on. Quickly, the BADLANDERS join in - David and Crowbar in the ring, Daffney screaming on the outside - now another piece of music fires up and out hobbles ARN ANDERSON with a...a log? The ring empties. "Oh no - it ain't that easy. We're gonna clear a couple things up kid - right now. You see, I'm old school, too. Vince Russo took an old, sleepin' dog, another one that you thought was dead, and woke him up last week! The problem is, I'm not a morning person, and I wake up grumpy! Now, I was considered retired - I even thought so! I was content to walk around in the back, and do little menial jobs, help out where I could because I wanted to be around the business, but you know, the reality is folks...I'm a wrestler! That's not what I do - this is what I do! Now part of that old school mentality tells me this - I come home, David, one of my kids are sittin' in the floor lightin' a fire, playin' with matches, I don't worry about the women's groups, they're gonna say it's child abuse - I don't worry about the neighbours - I jerk his ass up, I take my belt off, and I tear his ass up! Well, logs and baseball bats are not the answer, because, son, until you learn to be a man, you gotta first be a man to be a wrestler. If you're ever gonna be a wrestler, you gotta take that snake that's sittin' in New York City, and quit lettin' him control your head because if you look around, all of your constituents are chasin' each other's ass around the room, trying to figure out what to do next - you are oh-for-everything, New Blood, so tonight, I'm gonna telling you, I'm not askin', Double J, Lafayette, Louisiana...the rest of the world...you remember this? Huh? You remember this? Well, in about ten minutes, you're gonna get a dose of Anderson and Flair - Horsemen Style!" Four fingers up from Flair - four from Anderson - Anderson's thumb crosses his throat. Hey, it WAS a log! In the bowels of the building, Vampiro brandishes a Sting mask - then sets it on fire. "You better take me to hell, Sting." Promotional consideration paid for by Boston Market Home-style Meals (wait for it...), Motel 6 7/8, Corn Nuts (who the heck is Winky the Crow?), Bubble Yum, Boston Market Home-style Meals (Yes! Called it), and WCW Battle Arms (By Any Means Necessary!) When we come back, (THIS IS) STING is in the ring while Metallica plays. He asks for the music to be cut!! "Vampiro...thank you for pointing out that I have talked the talk for ten years, but don't forget that I have also walked the walk for ten years! I've been real nice, real kind and real patient way beyond what I'm capable of doing - I'm real close, Vampiro, to snapping. Perhaps I should even...blow a gasket! I'm that far away! So tonight, Vampiro, I'm gonna knock you right out, I'm gonna take you out tonight, right here in Louisiana!" JOBBIN' VAMPIRO appears. "Hey Steve - Stinger - I got a question. In the cage, you had me handcuffed, you left me hangin'. You walked out of the cage, and I was laughing atcha. What happened? You just ain't got the (balls) to cross the line and finish the job? 'cause ya know something, Steve? If that was me ya miserable (bastard), they'd still be pickin' fragments of your face off the front row! Or maybe - maybe you just don't get it. Maybe there's a little bit of you that LIKES me. Maybe there's a little bit of you inside that wants to be like me because since maybe you're enjoying all the time that we've been spending together lately. But I promise you something, Steve - I told you I was gonna take you to hell, and that's exactly what I'm going to do. I'm gonna tell you something right now, at the American Bash...and this is how it's gonna be, it's an Inferno match, me and you, and what that means, to win that match, you're gonna have to light your opponent on fire, Sting." "You're psycho, definitely psycho, bonehead. We're not having any inferno match. What are we gonna do, torture each other? That ain't gonna happen." "Yes, Steve, I am psycho! And Sting, you don't have a choice." When we get back to the ring, the ropes are on fire...and so's the mat just under the ropes. Yikes. Quick, to the ad break! Goldberg needs one more Spree - just one more Douglas tells Jarrett that he can still fix this thing - now go out there and take 'em out! THE MAN hits the ring for his match - he tries to strut where Jarrett's pyro is laid out, but thinks better of it. Backstage, we see the Badlanders punking out Arn Anderson. Flair walks back to help, but JEDOUBLEF JADOUBLEREDOUBLET meets HIM before he can get to the curtain. What the heck, play his music anyway. No, it stops. Punches are traded between the two and the crowd noise swells and ebbs mysteriously. All the way back down the aisle and into the ring, where the bell rings. The BADLANDERS are out, now - Jarrett holds onto Flair while Crowbar and David punch him. Tripleteam stompdown. Jarrett sets up the figure four, but Flair goes to the eyes. All three men stomp again - David mounts his father and punches him in the head repeatedly. Crowbar stomping - now it's DAVID with the figure four. Awooooo! Here comes KEVIN NASH, whom we haven't seen all night. As he walks (walks?) to the ring, Flair manages to roll up Daffney, who was standing over him laughing - nice cradle, leg hooked - 1, 2, 3. (1:20) Does that make Flair the Cruiserweight champion? No? Oh. Nash with a big boot to Jarrett - in the ring with a big boot to Crowbar. Right for David, right for Crwobar. Ric's got a figure four on Daffney - see, RIC FLAIR gets to inflict violence on women. Jarrett takes off and Nash goes after him. The ring clears of all but Flair and Robinson - Flair slumps in the corner - to his knees - asking Robinson to help him out - Flair's music plays and they try to walk the aisle - Flair to his knees AGAIN - and we quickly cut to Outside, Douglas calls to Jarrett to get on the bus - all the rest of the New Blood is inside, apparently - wait, he doesn't have the keys? - Douglas closes the door. Nash leads out the Millionaire's Club and Friends - and they all get together to tip the bus over. Huh. Credits are up - but we're still here? We look off in the distance...it's the SCARY GOLDBERG MONSTER TRUCK! It speeds towards... Whoops, we're done. Maybe we'll find out Monday? We end a bit early - that Flair collapse was NOT a work - that's why you didn't see it on TV. Go check out the Torch for the skinny, if you're into that. Hey, everybody think a pleasant thought for Ric Flair...just in case. Christopher Robin Zimmerman
www.CRZ.net