by Christopher Robin Zimmerman WrestleLine/WrestleManiacs Hey Mike, I'M updating *four* times a week. Your ass BETTER be happy I'm around. Kudos to Chris Hyatte for marking the one-year anniversary of his hiatus from SCOOPS - at least, according to this page. Dig that CRAZY red bar! I GET LETTERS: Don't worry - only three this week. Rob Albertson just had to respond: I just had to respond to this. Taken from your May 22nd Nitro report, in response to Madden's line: "You might see phony DQ's somewhere else - you might see cluster finishes somewhere else - you won't see 'em here!" He's right, you know. If this kind of stupid shit keeps up, I can personally guarantee that I won't be seeing those kinds of things happening in WCW, but not in the way he means it. As it is, I had completely forgotten that Nitro started an hour earlier this week, yet I feel no remorse or loss from missing that hour. However, I am strangely amused with the fact that Mr. Madden was right. During that time, I didn't see any clusterfuck finishes on Nitro. How prophetic he is. Brian Carty makes a suggestion I wish I'd thought of first: Whenever the "mysterious red fluid" drops - "You Can't Do That in Sports Entertainment" (or if you want to take the direct approach, "You Can't Do That on Television") Every time I see them drop the "blood," I keep thinking of that damn Nickelodeon show I watched when I was 10. Finally, Marlon proves they ALL eventually come around: I think that you are an extreme 'mark' for the WWF, but on this one Nitro report I have to agree with you. You are taking a step towards enlightenment, my friend! Keep the eyes and mind open! Once again, the world of REAL sports pre-empted our semi-weekly sojourn into the world of fake (yet...more highly rated) sports. For 52 minutes or so, we were treated to Pole Day qualifying for the Coca Cola 600. I leave it to the conspiracy theorists amongst you to determine how Jerry Nadeau can go most of the night with the provisional pole position when he never EVER seemed to even break the top ten while toiling for WCW Racing. (Current WCW racing rep Wally Dallenbach failed to qualify - finishing 32nd when they take the Top 25 - but still has a chance to get a provisional tomorrow.) Still, watching *these* cars roll around, I can't help but compare this to the Indy qualifying I watched LAST week. For some reason, I'm a big sucker when it comes to the Indy 500, to the point where I actually make a point to WAKE UP EARLY so I can watch the pre-race hype, get misty when Jim Nabors sings "Back Home Again in Indiana," sit through AT LEAST three hours of all the cars running around the track...and yet, I can't give two shits about NASCAR. In fact, I tend to think that all those NASCAR freaks (you know who I'm talking about) are a little...well, freaky. Granted, we don't get as much of that in Silicon Valley as we would in, say, the Midwest, for which I am eternally grateful. Now that I think about it, I don't even really watch other Indy races either. And CART can blow me. Well, I think that's enough about that. YOU probably said that two paragraphs ago. Okay, okay, this is as long as I can stall...tonight, anyway... TV-PG-DLV - WCW logo "Highlight" package from Nitro - Funk, closed captioned, New Blood, Russo, Nash in the casket, Steiner, the cell, Abbott, Nash, Reid, David, Taylor, Vampiro, Hogan, Kidman, Sting, Russo, Nash, Jarrett, Nash, Russo, Steiner, Jarrett, Nash, Russo, yup Outside, a Corvette pulls up - it's Steiner's ride, and Nash is in the shotgun seat. Tony gets cut off - too bad Opening credits - the Russo and Bischoff shot is replaced with...a different shot of Russo and Bischoff - if you don't blink, you might see Saturn as well CONCENTRIC IN THE HOUSE! We are on tape from the Civic Center in Saginaw, MI 24.5.2K (taped 22.5) and if it's Wednesday on WTBS, it must be Thunder! CHRIS CANDIDO (with Sunny Donna) v. THE ACRONYM (with Paisley) v. DAFFNEY UNGER for the World Cruiserweight Championship - Hey, if we're lucky, somebody might have something to SAY before this match! "You know, it feels - it feels so good to be the First Couple of Sports Entertainment! And, you know, I gotta be the luckiest guy alive 'cause lookit what I get to wake up to every morning...and...look at that far piece over there! I love you, honey." "I love you too. Hey, ladies, let me give you a little bit of advice. If you want your man to want you as much as they want me, you've gotta have it goin' on, and, from the looks of you, you beasts are clueless. Now hit my music." Is this a textbook definition of "irony?" Paisley: "Saginaw - allow me to present who you REALLY came to see. The man who will take you straight to ecstasy - and here he is, the Artist Formerly Known as Prince Iaukea!" Prince says...nothin'. Backstage, GENE O. works tonight! Daffney says she wanted a ring, but not THAT ring. Wow, somebody remembered that David Flair and Daffney are engaged. Daffney wears a black dress and veil and tosses a black bouquet. Tammy and Paisley break into a catfight as Paisley and Candido brawl - Daffney watches and MISS HANCOCK comes out about ten seconds in. Daffney breaks up a Candido pinfall attempt, then an Artist pinfall attempt. Simultaneous KO blows and both men go down. Daffney tries to cover Artist - 2. Cover Candido - 2. Artist has Daffney - drop toehold! Candido with a legdrop! Wow, they actually did moves to a woman tonight. CROWBAR runs in - I think that'll do it for play-by-play for now. Tammy pays off Hancock with cleavage money, buying the clipboard. She motions to Candido to bring over Daffney - but it goes awry when she ends up hitting *Candido* instead. They fall backwards - referee "Blind" Charles Robinson counts - 1, 2, 3. I miss Ultimo Dragon. (2:08) Russo tells Bischoff he's worried about what Nash and Steiner will do to him. Bischoff says he's got his own problems and R&B Security will stick around. Russo asks Kimberly to take care of Elizabeth tonight and hands her a baseball bat. Kim asks Eric how this'll make her a star. Russo gives us "oy vey." Meanwhile, Smiley and Ralphus (how'd the get to Saginaw from Grand Rapids?) provide us with their Mark Madden impersonation by display a table full of Amway products. (I thought they were broke?) Shane Douglas isn't interested, but he WOULD like them to provide opposition for his first Hardcore title defense (oh...I guess Douglas won the title Monday. I must have forgotten?). Smiley reminds them that they're fired, but Douglas says he's got some pull with Bischoff and he can make it happen. They are happy to agree. I think this might be the most parentheticals I've dropped into this short a paragraph.....I must REALLY enjoy WCW to put all this effort into it...eh? Eh? This portion of WCW Thunder is brought to you by M$M's - no, M%M's ...dammit! I mean M^M's ...SON OF A...**M&M's**!! Kimberly chatters while Elizabeth reacts - she asks her to put some lotion on her back. Before every 14-year-old's fantasy comes true, we cut to... THE FRANCHISE v. SCREAMIN' NORMAN SMILEY & RALPHUS for the World Hardcore title - Let Us Take You Back to Nitro where Chris Candido counts the "pinfall." "Saginaw, Michigan! The way I see it, you people should be giving me a grand round of applause right now. I said when I stepped foot in WCW that I was gonna accomplish a few things. I was gonna knock some asses around, and Monday night, Terry Funk found out how damned efficient I am at Franchisin' people's asses! Singlehandedly, I took out the hardcore legend, and the result is around my waist. You're welcome, WCW. As for Dick Flair, I told you (sons of bitches) that I would take him like a hunk of cancer and cut him outta WCW, and true to my word, Dick Flair is gone, hahahaha. Never let it be said that the Franchise isn't a giving sort of person. I'm gonna give a couple jabrones a chance at a big payoff tonight. They'll get a chance - Ralphus..and Norman...together, get a chance at the Hardcore champion, the true Franchise of WCW. Now bring out my jabrones - I wanna Franchise some asses!" As Smiley and Ralphus enter (Ralphus in a gorilla suit - don't ask, just accept) to Smiley's music and video, we cut backstage to see Bischoff and Cat watching on a monitor. Bischoff expresses surprise and disappointment that Douglas would do set up something like this, while Cat repeats everything Bischoff says. Tony tells us that the Gorilla is the local hockey team's mascot. Standard weapons/comedy match isn't worth my time - or yours, really. Smiley DOES bust out the swoop slam, but the finds himself on the wrong end of a trick knee while trying the "Doin' it in da butt and smackin' my bitch up" dance. Back to the kendo stick we go. Swinging neckbreaker by Douglas. Tables match at the Great American Bash - Douglas vs. Wall. Does that make you want to spend money on the card? Douglas fingers the asshole of the gorilla suit - hey, this is TV-PG stuff, folks! Vertical suplex by Smiley. Tony: "This is silly..." Bobby: (mocking) "Noooo!" Tonight we have the elevated entrance ramp, whereas we didn't during Nitro. When I said I wanted longer matches, this ISN'T what I meant. Ralphus is picking his ass - if you don't think this is funny...well...I guess you're not the target audience WCW is catering to. Smiley working a comeback. Garbage can lid shots aplenty. 2. Bring on the table! Douglas comes back with a kick in the ass. Chain around the fist - loaded fist. Through the table. Ralphus wraps his fist with the chain - and peppers him with rights. Of course, the chain is on his left hand. THERE'S the left. Ralphus with a chair - whack. Cover - 1, 2, 3. Wanna bet that isn't Ralphus? Oh, look - it's really TERRY FUNK. Ladies and gentlemen, we have a new Hardcore champion - or the old one - or whatever. (6:41) Well, at least there wasn't a cluster finish. Backstage, Bischoff and Cat decry the situation. Bischoff plays minister and Cat plays choir. I stare at the shadow of the boom mic. Bischoff asks Cat to "go Jackie Chan his ass." Meanwhile, Russo, David Flair, R&B Security, and... Mrs. Snodgrass? ... are WALKING! Meanwhile, Nash and Steiner are wearing goggles - and - WALKING! Hey, if you're in the crowd, and you wish to raise your arms in celebration of being there...check your pits first. Sweaty pits, going out to the nation...do you really want that? Yeah, YOU might not care...but what if you were a woman? Thunder tailgate party - same Finish Line ad as before - yup, still got the suspended Buff Bagwell in there Here's a Special Video Look at Ric Flair, David Flair, Vince Russo, and the storyline therein - starting at Slamboree, continuing on Nitro, through another Nitro, a title change, last week's Thunder, Reid & David from Nitro... ...and now, the saga continues. Here come VIC VENOM, MRS. SNODGRASS, DAVID FLAIR, DAFFNEY UNGER and R&B SECURITY. Russo wears a Sopranos T-shirt under his other shirt...and speaks first. "First of all, I need total silence tonight, because, thanks to Kevin Nash rippin' at my vocal chords, I don't have a voice! We're gonna have another little expose here tonight. Because it disgusts me how on Nitro you booed this man right here! And you cheered little punk Reid Flair. But do you know who this old bag is right here? This is Reid Flair's sixth grade teacher! And she's gonna tell you the real story of that little brat from Charlotte!" "Reid is a hellion - a real hellraiser, and I want you to know that he's terrible in my class, and I called his home, and I told his parents what a hellraiser he was, and you know what? QUIIIIIET!!" "Listen to - listen to Mrs. Snodgrass!" "He gave me his best friend's telephone number, that's what he did! He's a rotten kid - and you know what else he taught the boys? He taught them to make flatulating--" "FLATULATING NOISES!! HE TAUGHT THE WHOLE CLASS!" "He's terrible! And not only that - not only that - but he put shoe mirrors on all the boys' shoes in the class so they could look up the girls'--" "LOOKIN' UP THE LITTLE GIRLS' DRESSES! THAT'S REID FLAIR! You know what? I bet you after school, Ric and his little friends, little Reid, er...behind--" "They're sucking the helium out of balloons! Well, yeah, they're casting off the evil eye!" "Yeah! There's the real Reid Flair just like his pathetic father!" In a SHOCKING moment of clarity, Tony asks rhetorically "what is she trying to *accomplish* with this? Hey, notice how Russo can't even let her finish the lines (or jokes) before he steps on them? Now THAT, mah frien's, is a real hardon. "But now...now...the star of the family (David) has a very special word he'd like to say." "Shut up! You know Dad, you're probably sittin' at home tonight watching the show with that little brat (Champ), and I hope he's cryin' his eyes out right now! Next time, Reid, you should do what your brother tells you what to do! So Reid, since I can't retire our father at the Great American Bash...I'm sending you an invitation to wrestle ME at the Great American Bash on June eleventh!" Oh, man, I HOPE that match gets booked! "Theme from Wolfpac" fires up and out walks KEVIN NASH. "You know, Russo...I can't think of one person whose ass I want to kick worse than yours. I'm gonna come down there in a minute and do just that. Only problem is...I've got somebody with me who wants a piece o' you, too." SUPERSTAR SCOTT STEINER gets *his* music and video treatment. The girls are with him - who knows how THEY got here. They put their goggles in place and start down the entryway - R&B Security get all black ninja and Nash and Steiner make like a lawn mower. If you're careful, you can hear Russo calling spots to the other three in the corner, since he helpfully keeps the mic close to his face. Back to the story - Russo tries to shield himself with the teacher - then with Flair - he pushes Flair into Nash - gutshot, truckstop poewrbomb. Daffney is at least smart enough to get out of the ring. Russo: "No way - no way, baby. You got something to say? Hey - hit her - hit her - hit her, Nash! Go ahead!" "Russo - we just came down to talk to ya. We just wanna make a deal - let your girlfriend go back up." "You wanna make a deal." "Let your girl go back up - we just wanna talk." "Nash, you screw me and you're dead. Go. Go." Okay, let me say that the actress was pretty good. "You got something to say--" Nash puts him in a choke. Steiner: "Now Russo, I warned your New York ass about showing up here in Michigan! Now you got one choice! You give me and Kevin a three way dance with...Jeff Jarrett for the world title or he's gonna powerbomb your ass straight to hell." Russo acquiesces, but not before Steiner gets muted at least once. Now, nobody said anything about it being for tonight, but the commentators are all over it like it is, concluding with Tony saying "THUNDERRRRRRR!" the loudest I've ever heard him say it, and I hope somebody makes a sound file out of it for me. (Hint, hint). Now, let me say one more thing. Even though I'm a biased, subjective, caustic smartass about this whole thing....before you mail me....at LEAST give me credit for transcribing this whole sumbitch - for YOU! I mean...*sure*, I thought it sucked, but I *still* did the job. Moments Ago, Jarrett complained to Russo, who (to his credit) sold the choke. Coming back "live," Bischoff has a heart-to-heart with Douglas. He's on very, very thin ince with him. Cat starts to repeat - but Bischoff cuts him off. Bischoff tells Douglas to get Funk and get it over with. "...get it done, 'cause you are *this* close..." FILTHY ANIMALS v. MISFITS IN ACTION in an elimination match - In typical WCW fashion, the big entrance is ruined when one side of the curtain fails to fall. I pile it on because I'm BIASED. Here's the last Konnan promo I'll transcribe this millennium: "Ay yi yi! Where our dogs at, where they at? SHUT UP! Nobody asked you! All right, Misfits, you guys think you're some sort of infantry? You're rockin' the camoflauge? Everybody knows that the original soldiers is us with No Limit - we thought we told ya - (all) Hootie Hooo! That's right, that's right. Now I know WCW's made some bad investments like the Millionaire's Club, and these fools the Misfits, but we're gonna leave you laying worse then R&B Security, so come out here and get some - orale arriba la raza!" It's a Pier Eight brawl - how can Slick Johnson and Charles Robinson stay on top of all this action? Oh my! Konnan shoved to the outside, Mysterio outside, Guerrera thrown onto Konnan, Inferno put in the corner, Rection on all fours and Loco leaps into Inferno. Cajun leaps into Inferno, Stash with a running splash. Rection with a running splash. Gunns...saunters over and rips off her shirt. Then she kicks him in the man ensemble. Six - check that, five - Misfits in the ring - four Animals on the outside. Will a regular match break out? Who can say. Guerrera offering the Hand of Friendship to Loco - then slapping him instead. Inside, outside, back inside, fun and games with the entrance ramp, tope into the ring looked nice. Loco tags Cajun, right, rigt, into the ropes, head down, kick by de Juice. Whiplash attempt is countered - Guerrera staggers back and tags in Mysterio. Gutshot, they trade rights, Mysterio put into the ropes, flying headscissors doesn't happen as Cajun hits a sidewalk slam. Bayou Blues sequence of punches for 2. Into the ropes, Mysterio slides under makes the blind tag and...geez, NOTHIN'S happening. Surprise 2 for the Animals. Into the ropes, switch, punching away - Disco in - assisted superbomb by Guerrera, 1, 2, 3. (4:02) Rection in and he's a house on fire. Tag to Stash as he's got Inferno - big ol' atomic drop, kick, "I smoke weed" hand signal, elbowdrop, 2. Off the ropes, spinebuster, cover, Mysterio saves. Face rake, Inferno tags in de Juice. Dropkick, tag to Mysterio...well, maybe not. Stash crotches him on the corner. DREADFUL Cobra clutch slam - I think he dropped him by mistake. 1...no. Disco Inferno in with a kendo stick - everybody gets a shot. Mysterio has a chair - Arabian legdrop from the top! Mysterio rolls him over - 1, 2, 3. (5:48) Robinson and Guerrera were talking on the outside - I think Hammer must have seriously hurt him with that botched slam. It's (ostensibly) four on two - Loco comes in - gutshot, clubbin' blow, into the ropes, atomic drop, gutshot, bit of a boogie, swinging neckbreaker. In the corner, out to the opposite corner, elbow up from Loco, tornado DDT, 1, 2, 3. (6:35) Guerrera comes in and Rection pounds on him. Guerrera tries to come back against Loco - tornado DDT attempt countered, Juvi Driver attempt countered - neckbreaker slam - put in place, tag, No Laughing Matter - 1, 2, 3. (7:18) Or was it? SHAWN STASIAK is out, but Johnson continued the count, so I guess he's out. Stasiak works over Rection while Mysterio puts Loco in the broncobuster. Has anybody seen Konnan all this time? BOOKER T. comes out despite being fired Monday, works over Mysterio and Stasiak - and now Rection picks up the kendo stick and lets loose. Backstage, Stash and Cajun are working on Inferno. Where's Konnan? I give up. Is it over? Call it (8:53). I guess. Backstage, Bischoff lectures Horace and Kidman about trusting each other - and Torrie staying out of the middle. Horace promises to Kidman that by the end of the show he WILL trust him. Meanwhile, Kimberly is still talking. Elizabeth FINALLY has enough of this, dumps her out of her chair, and makes off with the bat. Russo talks to Tank and Rick. Is Rick wearing a T-shirt that says "BIG ASS?" What the hell is THAT about? Meanwhile, Shane Douglas is WALKING! And looking for Terry Funk! Hey, maybe he'll look for him for the next HOUR! A TRADEMARK of this regime! CHUCK PALUMBO v. THE WALL in a tables match - Let Us Take You Back to Nitro where Total Package found he suddenly needed a plastic surgeon thanks to a wayward "Lex flexor." Scott Steiner takes on Tank Abbott, in the Asylum, at the Great American Bash. Let Us Take You Back to Last Week, where the issue between Douglas and Wall started. Hey, you know Bischoff hates tag team wrestling. Just thought I'd remind you. If you like headbutts, baby, this match is for you! If this is a tables match, why did Wall just try the ol' pinning predicament on Palumbo? Wall picks up Palumbo, presses him - and drops him on the top rope instead of the table. Wall's a *thinking man's wrestler*. Wall points to a table, so let's either end this or cue the run-in. Palumbo on his shoulder - running to the ropes, Palumbo breaks free, Wall off the ropes, into a clothesline, right hand, Palumbo off the ropes, Wall catches him in a choke - Palumbo elbows out of the chokeslam. Palumbo right. Wall betwixt the ropes and out on the apron. Wall tries a suplex, but Palumbo drops down with a hot shot. Palumbo grabs the flexor and waffles Wall, who falls through the table. Geez, if it's not a DQ, why didn't he just do that at the start of the match? (3:44) Wall does his Undertaker impersonation and pops up with a Zombie Situp. The chase is on! Well, at least it wasn't a cluster finish. Bischoff talks to Horace - Kimberly walks in and tells him he lost Liz. Bischoff tells her to go find her. Hey, TWO people walkin' around lookin' for other people! It's TWICE the Thunder! Let Us Take You Back Ten Days to Horace turning on his uncle for Torrie - and three days later when Kidman struck - and four MORE days later when Kidman and Horace erupted again - and Hogan interjected himself in their match. BILLY KIDMAN & HORACE (with Torrie Samuda - and Cracka Eazy-E) v. ? - Team one comes out to the "NWO Monday Nitro" theme. First airbrushing of the night as a fan's bird gets obfuscated - oh, I forgot to comment on sign airbrushing last week, sorry. "You people...you people...put a smile on my face. And a song in my heart. Speaking of songs...you know that coming up, Great American Bash, mark in on your calendars - June eleventh - that'll be known as the Day the Music Died. And do you know what music I'm talking about? I'm talking about that Hulk Hogan music! That red and yellow pain in my---you know. Because it's over - Flair's gone, Hogan's gone, the New Blood will reign supreme, and one thing---ah, shut the hell up, he's not hear tonight. The one thing I wanna make very, very clear is the team you see standing here. Horace - Billy "the Kidster" Kidman - and oh yes, Torrie - we are one happy family. And you know why? Because now Horace knows what family is really all about - he knows what Hollywood Hogan (his famous uncle) is really all about." "That's right - I've been in this company for over three years, and I've seen that sorry-ass uncle of mine ruin dozens of careers with his greediness, his selfishness, and his backstabbing crap, but thanks to m--" "That's enough, that's enough, you got the important part. That's the important part. And you know what else? I am so proud of this family, this New Blood family of mine, that I'm going to issue a challenge to *anybody* back there - this finely tuned machine will take on anybody, if there are any takers hanging around in the back that want to get famous real quick. No takers? Nobody? Oh well." Now, of course, there's ONE tag team left in WCW and it is KRONYKK. "All right - all right, you guys can do it!" Kidman and Horace are still busy arguing amongst themselves and Kronic quickly take control...as Bischoff takes fourth headset. It's all Kidman in there as Brian & Bryan take turns executing power moves on him. Kidman finally manages a 'rana and crawls to Horace...who walks up the apron and away from the outstretched arm. Bischoff gets up and walks over to Horace - who shoves him in the face. In the ring, it's a double press and drop. Bischoff has a chair - but Horace grabs it and menaces him with hit. High Times in the ring. Referee "Blind" Charles Robinson now tied up with Bischoff...and Adams over to join the party. Meanwhile, Horace pretends to wind up to take out Kidman with the chair - then waffles Clarke instead. DDT for Adams on the chair. Robinson turns around and counts for Kidman. 1, 2, 3. (4:10) Are Horace and Kidman the tag team champions? Were *Kronic* the tag team champions? For an encore, Kidman and Horace go right back to arguing post-match. You know, I wouldn't be surprised if the bookers just plum forgot that tag team titles might have needed to be involved - or at least mentioned in a NONtitle capacity - in this match. Remember when they booked Sid Vicious into a DQ loss during his "undefeated" streak? Like that, kinda. Ralphus and Smiley are talking - Douglas comes in and wants to know where Funk is. Smiley gets pasted and Douglas grabs Smiley and walks off with him... Thunder Tailgate party Yamaha seen it Bagwell's supposedly suspended and so on Promotional consideration paid for by Slim Jim (Savage & George), IceSport from Aqua Velva, Boston Market home style meals, Motel 6 7/8, Bubble Yum (chewed by mohawk'd ducks worldwide), and WCW Powerslam wrestlers Close captioning where available brought to you by Meineke! SHANE DOUGLAS & RALPHUS make their way to the ring. Douglas beats on Ralphus until...THE WALL comes out. Douglas pours it on, Wall absorbs it and fires back. Big boot. If he puts him through a table tonight, there'll be no need for us to see it at the Great American Bash, you know. Outside, chair, Douglas gets a pre-emptive shot on him, puts him in the barricade, kick, to the apron, to the commentary table - Douglas off the apron - caught in a choke - chokeslam through the commentary table. Well, no need to have THIS match at the Great American Bash. Hey, bet they'll have it anyway! Oh yeah, NORMAN SMILEY rescued RALPHUS while all this was going on. Gene O. stands with the Misfits and Booker T. "Gene, from this point on, I don't wanna be called Booker T. anymore. From this point on, you are to address me as G.I. Bro. Now can you feel me?" "I can." "See, eight years ago, Bischoff hired Booker T., and on Monday night, he fired Booker T., so as far as I'm concerned, Booker T. is dead. The Misfits has found GI Bro, and from this point on, he is gonna rock and roll - Shawn Stasiak - you will be my first casualty of war - tonight! Now can you copy that?" GI Bro used to be a Shotgun Saturday Night jobber - I mean, a bona fide, eighties throwback JOBBER jobber - but that was a different guy. Yeah, I know that Booker used it back in Texas in front of crowds of tens, but who remembers THAT? Russo tells Jarrett he's taken care of it. New York style, baby! This week in WCW Motorsports - Blaise Alexander and his pit crew tell us all about the most exciting sixteen or seventeen seconds in sports - the pit stop! Oh, I LIED about it being the most exciting...sorry. WCW Thunder Tailgate Party clip - let's see, which one HAVEN'T we seen yet - yeah, Valvoline Max Life! In a split screen, Nash reads the USA Today "Money" section (or...looks at the pictures) and drinks coffee while Steiner does pushups with one of the hooches on his back Meanwhile, Kimberly dispatches one member of R&B Security to go find Liz - and another to go get the proper kind of baby lotion. SHAWN STASIAK v. GI BRO - Booker T should be WCW World Heavyweight Champion. Booker T *is* GI Bro, hanging with Lash LeRoux and Van Hammer. It's enough to depress you if you haven't already been sensitized to all this madness by WCW long, LONG ago. Listening to our commentators talk about the "human torch" match coming up, I'm reminded of Disneyland's quickly pulled slogan for their fireworks show the summer after the King verdict and riots - "Be there when the night ignites." The reason I bring this up is that Tony Schiavone has just about as much tact trying to make puns. Oh, hey, *another* half-assed attempt to hook us on the "relaxing" of the disqualification. GI Bro wins with the 110th street uranage and pin (5:06) but Stasiak chairs him post-match - not only did you not want to see this match the first time, but *the issue isn't over*. On the other hand...at least this wasn't a cluster finish. Snippet of the upcoming one on one with Sting. After the ad break, MIKE TENAY *does* have that sitdown with (THIS IS) STING. Sting, in all your years here in World Championship Wrestling you have certainly been involved in many physical rivalries. Correct me if I'm wrong, but it seems as if this current situation with Vampiro is much more mental that it really is physical. Oh, come on, Mike. That's - I wanna puke on that comment - Vampiro doesn't mean anything to me. Are you forgettin' I've been here for ten years? I learned tricks - the dirty tricks - from guys like Slick Ric...the Nature Boy. How 'bout the NWO, when the NWO formed - Hall and Nash, that whole thing there, WCW's gettin' ready to crumble...who was playing the mind games then? It was me. I know about mind games. Vampiro's not gonna get - I'll one-up him, he'll run out o' one-ups. You've also mentioned on several occasions that you see certain similarities between yourself and Vampiro, and we certainly know that Vampiro is a twisted and sick individual, but what is it that you see of yourself in Vampiro? ...well...ten years ago, I guess, uh....I was about as sick and twisted as, ah...as he is - maybe. Then again, he's got the same fire in his eyes that I had ten year ago, and by the way, I still have the same fire in my eyes, so don't even go there, Mike. I think there are a lot of people, Sting, that feel that maybe Vampiro is getting the edge in this mental war. Just the mere fact that you're going to be getting involved-- (gets up and walks behind his chair) I didn't know you were going to go in this direction. What do you mean? You seem a little uncomfortable, I mean I want to talk about this Human Torch-- No, I'm fine. You think I'm agitated? I'm fine! You seem to be! Ask away! Ask away, Mike! What's your question? I want to ask you about the Human Torch match at the Great American Bash. All right, go ahead. You wanna know-- A lot of people think that maybe he's getting under your skin, he's winning the mental war-- He's not getting under my skin, Mike! --just the mere fact, you're gonna be involved in this kind of a match, where you have to burn your opponent, we're talking about burning human flesh. You trying to scare me out of it? No... Vampiro paying YOU off now? You part of his whole deal? Yeah, it's a Torch match - I've never been in a Torch match before. Lighting somebody on fire is crazy - it's STUPID. But you know what? I've never turned down one challenge in all these years with WCW. Vampiro comes out on national TV and challenges me, Mike, I'm not gonna say no - I'm gonna say YEAH! Because I HAVE to! Bottom line - plain and simple - June 11th - is it worth risking your career? (Lights go out. Vampiro: "Let me answer that for ya, Sting!") What the hell is going on here? Where the hell's security at?! We hear a struggle...and the next thing we see is the curtains behind the set on fire. Sting tries to put it out with his trenchcoat - then yells out "Vampiro - get back here! Vampiro!" Gene O. stands with Kimberly, who tells us how annoying her day has been. She's right - this day HAS been annoying. She complains about being shiny. Liz appears from nowhere, wraps a scarf around Kimberly's neck, and leads her away... Promotional consideration paid for by Boston Market, Corn Nuts, Aqua Velva IceSport (again), French's mustard, and Boston Market again, AND WCW Battle Arms Hey, did you know the Thunder theme is based on one of the tracks on that WCW Mayhem CD? Neither did I! DIAMOND DALLAS PAGE v. - Tony makes another great fire joke. "Good Gawd! You know, Eric Bischoff, I got three words for ya. You REALLY suck! You know, for years, BISCHOFF, I been hearing you tell people about how YOU made ME. Well let's get something straight, monkey - you never made me. *I* made me my bustin' my ass in spite of you! And that kinda pisses ya off. So much so, that the first thing you do when you get back to WCW with your fat, hamburger eatin', Cheez Whiz suckin', slimy, (rat bastard) ass - Good Gawd that felt good! - yourhamburgereatinCheezWhizsuckin'slimy(ratbastard)ass - the first thing you do is you turn my wife against me. But that wasn't enough for you, Bischoff. You gotta go after a guy that you know is like family to me. And you gotta have Kanyon taken out by that goof Mike Awesome. Well ya know, Awesome, can I call ya Mike - Mikey? Can I call ya Mikey? You know what that shows me? That you aren't the sharpest tool in the shack. What that shows me is that you're stupid, and at the Great American Bash, you wanna take out Kanyon...well, monkey, I'M takin' YOU out!" Meanwhile, LIZ has dragged KIMBRRLY out to the ring. Time to stop writing down Page's third-rate Diceman impression and just tell you that Kimberly ends up over Page's knee and gets a spanking - at least, I *think* that's what happens. We end up TSN'ing the shot - how nice, they found some stunned children to cut to. Anyway, when we turn back, CHUCK PALUMBO has confiscated Elizabeth while we check the Thundertron where Mike Awesome gives us a remote from Kanyon's hospital room, and promises to take good care of Kanyon - "as a matter of fact, he won't feel a thing. Now you camera guys, thanks for coming, you're all finished here. Let's shut 'em down, 'cause I want to leave the rest to Page's imagination." Jeff Jarrett is WALKING! Meanwhile, Nash and Steiner are WALKING! Moments Ago, Page got on the phone and called the hospital for security. 'cause God knows that was probably a LIVE SATELLITE FEED and not just a tape JEDOUBLEF JADOUBLEREDOUBLET (with Vic Venom) v. SUPERSTAR SCOTT STEINER v. KEVIN NASH - Let Us Take You Back to Nitro where "Cut that music! Cut that crap. Silverman, get out here. 'ey Steiner, what happened to the even playing field, eh? Two against one? Over my dead body - I will referee this match, you got that? (to Silverman) 'ey punk, I will take this shirt off your back, you got it?" Silverman protests...and Nash comes out before that can escalate. Russo leaps the barricade and runs off. Nash over the rail to follow him - Jarrett attacks Steiner from behind and it's on. Punch, punch, punch. And so on. Into the ropes is reversed, Steinerline, elbowdrop, press - and drop. Nash coming back as Steiner kicks away on Jarrett - right, right, right, chop - Russo reappears at the entryway with R&B SECURITY in tow. This sign is pixellated for your protection. Jarrett tied in the Tree of Woe - now Nash, from the floor, puts on a headlock. Steiner leaves the ring and goes down the aisle - he blocks the bat swing and wrestles it away. Silverman manages to sneak the bat away from Steiner, so instead he just grabs Russo by the neck - will he actually get to land a blow on Russo? Of course not. JOBBED TO DAVID ARQUETTE & RICK WOOF WOOF emerge from the curtains, each man with one of Steiner's women. Steiner takes off after that group as they disappear. Back in the ring, Nash is standing on Jarrett's neck as he stands against the corner. Russo hits the ring - Nash DOES get a shot on Russo - then he brings him back in while Jarrett goes for the bat - just in time to halt the powerbomb attempt. Bat! Bat! Bat! Now you think that the point of the bat in the ear would keep him down. To the back with the bat. Right, right, right, right. Why'd he stop using the bat? Right, right, right, right, right, Silverman trying to pull Jarrett off of Nash - Nash out of the corner with a clothesline, but he takes out Silverman instead. Oops. Jarrett's got the title belt - Nash ducks the swing, gutshot, HE catches the belt, and catches Jarrett with it as well. Nash over to roust Silverman - cover - 1, 2, Russo pulls him out. Silverman expresses righteous indignation and Russo backs off - until Silverman turns to Nash to explain what happened - Russo over with a kabong. In the ring, Jarrett whacks Nash with a chair. Russo puts on Silverman's zebra shirt (as if he couldn't make a count WITHOUT wearing it) and gets in the ring - 1, 2, kickout! Why doesn't Russo just keep counting anyway? MICKIE JAY tries to traverse the entry way but R&B Security blocks the way. Now SUPERSTAR SCOTT STEINER is back out and parting the crowd with a running double clothesline cascade. Jay walks up behind him. Steiner clotheslines Jarrett, then chases away Russo. Truckstop powebromb! Jay counts it - 1, 2, 3! Ladies and gentlemen, we have yet another new World Heavyweight champion. (5:05) Steiner back in the ring to dump out Jarrett...and celebrate with Nash. Ummm, hey Steiner, you LOST the match. Oh well. Credits are up - and we are out. Missed any part of this show? Don't worry - the replay starts - NOW! Christopher Robin Zimmerman
www.CRZ.net