by Christopher Robin Zimmerman
Hey Mike, I'M updating *four* times a week. Your ass BETTER be happy I'm
Kudos to Chris Hyatte for marking the one-year anniversary of his hiatus
from SCOOPS - at least, according to this
page. Dig that CRAZY red bar!
I GET LETTERS:
Don't worry - only three this week.
Rob Albertson just had to respond: I just had to respond to this.
Taken from your May 22nd Nitro report, in response to Madden's line:
"You might see phony DQ's somewhere else - you might see cluster
finishes somewhere else - you won't see 'em here!"
He's right, you know. If this kind of stupid shit keeps up, I can
personally guarantee that I won't be seeing those kinds of things
happening in WCW, but not in the way he means it. As it is, I had
completely forgotten that Nitro started an hour earlier this week, yet I
feel no remorse or loss from missing that hour. However, I am strangely
amused with the fact that Mr. Madden was right. During that time, I
didn't see any clusterfuck finishes on Nitro. How prophetic he is.
Brian Carty makes a suggestion I wish I'd thought of first: Whenever
the "mysterious red fluid" drops - "You Can't Do That in Sports
(or if you want to take the direct approach, "You Can't Do That on
Every time I see them drop the "blood," I keep thinking of that damn
Nickelodeon show I watched when I was 10.
Finally, Marlon proves they ALL eventually come around: I think that
you are an extreme 'mark' for the WWF, but on this one Nitro report I have
to agree with you.
You are taking a step towards enlightenment, my friend! Keep the eyes and
Once again, the world of REAL sports pre-empted our semi-weekly sojourn
into the world of fake (yet...more highly rated) sports. For 52 minutes or
so, we were treated to Pole Day qualifying for the Coca Cola 600. I leave
it to the conspiracy theorists amongst you to determine how Jerry Nadeau
can go most of the night with the provisional pole position when he never
EVER seemed to even break the top ten while toiling for WCW Racing.
(Current WCW racing rep Wally Dallenbach failed to qualify - finishing 32nd
when they take the Top 25 - but still has a chance to get a provisional
Still, watching *these* cars roll around, I can't help but compare this to
the Indy qualifying I watched LAST week. For some reason, I'm a big sucker
when it comes to the Indy 500, to the point where I actually make a point
to WAKE UP EARLY so I can watch the pre-race hype, get misty when Jim
Nabors sings "Back Home Again in Indiana," sit through AT LEAST three hours
of all the cars running around the track...and yet, I can't give two shits
about NASCAR. In fact, I tend to think that all those NASCAR freaks (you
know who I'm talking about) are a little...well, freaky. Granted, we don't
get as much of that in Silicon Valley as we would in, say, the Midwest, for
which I am eternally grateful. Now that I think about it, I don't even
really watch other Indy races either. And CART can blow me. Well, I think
that's enough about that.
YOU probably said that two paragraphs ago. Okay, okay, this is as long as
I can stall...tonight, anyway...
TV-PG-DLV - WCW logo
"Highlight" package from Nitro - Funk, closed captioned, New Blood, Russo,
Nash in the casket, Steiner, the cell, Abbott, Nash, Reid, David, Taylor,
Vampiro, Hogan, Kidman, Sting, Russo, Nash, Jarrett, Nash, Russo, Steiner,
Jarrett, Nash, Russo, yup
Outside, a Corvette pulls up - it's Steiner's ride, and Nash is in the
shotgun seat. Tony gets cut off - too bad
Opening credits - the Russo and Bischoff shot is replaced with...a
different shot of Russo and Bischoff - if you don't blink, you might see
Saturn as well
CONCENTRIC IN THE HOUSE! We are on tape from the Civic Center in Saginaw,
MI 24.5.2K (taped 22.5) and if it's Wednesday on WTBS, it must be Thunder!
CHRIS CANDIDO (with Sunny Donna) v. THE ACRONYM (with Paisley) v. DAFFNEY
UNGER for the World Cruiserweight Championship - Hey, if we're lucky,
somebody might have something to SAY before this match! "You know, it
feels - it feels so good to be the First Couple of Sports Entertainment!
And, you know, I gotta be the luckiest guy alive 'cause lookit what I get
to wake up to every morning...and...look at that far piece over there! I
love you, honey." "I love you too. Hey, ladies, let me give you a little
bit of advice. If you want your man to want you as much as they want me,
you've gotta have it goin' on, and, from the looks of you, you beasts are
clueless. Now hit my music." Is this a textbook definition of "irony?"
Paisley: "Saginaw - allow me to present who you REALLY came to see. The
man who will take you straight to ecstasy - and here he is, the Artist
Formerly Known as Prince Iaukea!" Prince says...nothin'. Backstage, GENE
O. works tonight! Daffney says she wanted a ring, but not THAT ring. Wow,
somebody remembered that David Flair and Daffney are engaged. Daffney
wears a black dress and veil and tosses a black bouquet. Tammy and Paisley
break into a catfight as Paisley and Candido brawl - Daffney watches and
MISS HANCOCK comes out about ten seconds in. Daffney breaks up a Candido
pinfall attempt, then an Artist pinfall attempt. Simultaneous KO blows and
both men go down. Daffney tries to cover Artist - 2. Cover Candido - 2.
Artist has Daffney - drop toehold! Candido with a legdrop! Wow, they
actually did moves to a woman tonight. CROWBAR runs in - I think that'll
do it for play-by-play for now. Tammy pays off Hancock with cleavage
money, buying the clipboard. She motions to Candido to bring over Daffney
- but it goes awry when she ends up hitting *Candido* instead. They fall
backwards - referee "Blind" Charles Robinson counts - 1, 2, 3. I miss
Ultimo Dragon. (2:08)
Russo tells Bischoff he's worried about what Nash and Steiner will do to
him. Bischoff says he's got his own problems and R&B Security will stick
around. Russo asks Kimberly to take care of Elizabeth tonight and hands
her a baseball bat. Kim asks Eric how this'll make her a star. Russo
gives us "oy vey."
Meanwhile, Smiley and Ralphus (how'd the get to Saginaw from Grand Rapids?)
provide us with their Mark Madden impersonation by display a table full of
Amway products. (I thought they were broke?) Shane Douglas isn't
interested, but he WOULD like them to provide opposition for his first
Hardcore title defense (oh...I guess Douglas won the title Monday. I must
have forgotten?). Smiley reminds them that they're fired, but Douglas says
he's got some pull with Bischoff and he can make it happen. They are happy
to agree. I think this might be the most parentheticals I've dropped into
this short a paragraph.....I must REALLY enjoy WCW to put all this effort
into it...eh? Eh?
This portion of WCW Thunder is brought to you by M$M's - no, M%M's
...dammit! I mean M^M's ...SON OF A...**M&M's**!!
Kimberly chatters while Elizabeth reacts - she asks her to put some lotion
on her back. Before every 14-year-old's fantasy comes true, we cut to...
THE FRANCHISE v. SCREAMIN' NORMAN SMILEY & RALPHUS for the World Hardcore
title - Let Us Take You Back to Nitro where Chris Candido counts the
"pinfall." "Saginaw, Michigan! The way I see it, you people should be
giving me a grand round of applause right now. I said when I stepped foot
in WCW that I was gonna accomplish a few things. I was gonna knock some
asses around, and Monday night, Terry Funk found out how damned efficient I
am at Franchisin' people's asses! Singlehandedly, I took out the hardcore
legend, and the result is around my waist. You're welcome, WCW. As for
Dick Flair, I told you (sons of bitches) that I would take him like a hunk
of cancer and cut him outta WCW, and true to my word, Dick Flair is gone,
hahahaha. Never let it be said that the Franchise isn't a giving sort of
person. I'm gonna give a couple jabrones a chance at a big payoff tonight.
They'll get a chance - Ralphus..and Norman...together, get a chance at the
Hardcore champion, the true Franchise of WCW. Now bring out my jabrones -
I wanna Franchise some asses!" As Smiley and Ralphus enter (Ralphus in a
gorilla suit - don't ask, just accept) to Smiley's music and video, we cut
backstage to see Bischoff and Cat watching on a monitor. Bischoff
expresses surprise and disappointment that Douglas would do set up
something like this, while Cat repeats everything Bischoff says. Tony
tells us that the Gorilla is the local hockey team's mascot. Standard
weapons/comedy match isn't worth my time - or yours, really. Smiley DOES
bust out the swoop slam, but the finds himself on the wrong end of a trick
knee while trying the "Doin' it in da butt and smackin' my bitch up" dance.
Back to the kendo stick we go. Swinging neckbreaker by Douglas. Tables
match at the Great American Bash - Douglas vs. Wall. Does that make you
want to spend money on the card? Douglas fingers the asshole of the
gorilla suit - hey, this is TV-PG stuff, folks! Vertical suplex by Smiley.
Tony: "This is silly..." Bobby: (mocking) "Noooo!" Tonight we have the
elevated entrance ramp, whereas we didn't during Nitro. When I said I
wanted longer matches, this ISN'T what I meant. Ralphus is picking his ass
- if you don't think this is funny...well...I guess you're not the target
audience WCW is catering to. Smiley working a comeback. Garbage can lid
shots aplenty. 2. Bring on the table! Douglas comes back with a kick in
the ass. Chain around the fist - loaded fist. Through the table. Ralphus
wraps his fist with the chain - and peppers him with rights. Of course,
the chain is on his left hand. THERE'S the left. Ralphus with a chair -
whack. Cover - 1, 2, 3. Wanna bet that isn't Ralphus? Oh, look - it's
really TERRY FUNK. Ladies and gentlemen, we have a new Hardcore champion -
or the old one - or whatever. (6:41) Well, at least there wasn't a
Backstage, Bischoff and Cat decry the situation. Bischoff plays minister
and Cat plays choir. I stare at the shadow of the boom mic. Bischoff asks
Cat to "go Jackie Chan his ass."
Meanwhile, Russo, David Flair, R&B Security, and... Mrs. Snodgrass? ... are
Meanwhile, Nash and Steiner are wearing goggles - and - WALKING!
Hey, if you're in the crowd, and you wish to raise your arms in celebration
of being there...check your pits first. Sweaty pits, going out to the
nation...do you really want that? Yeah, YOU might not care...but what if
you were a woman?
Thunder tailgate party - same Finish Line ad as before - yup, still got the
suspended Buff Bagwell in there
Here's a Special Video Look at Ric Flair, David Flair, Vince Russo, and the
storyline therein - starting at Slamboree, continuing on Nitro, through
another Nitro, a title change, last week's Thunder, Reid & David from
...and now, the saga continues. Here come VIC VENOM, MRS. SNODGRASS, DAVID
FLAIR, DAFFNEY UNGER and R&B SECURITY. Russo wears a Sopranos T-shirt
under his other shirt...and speaks first. "First of all, I need total
silence tonight, because, thanks to Kevin Nash rippin' at my vocal chords,
I don't have a voice! We're gonna have another little expose here tonight.
Because it disgusts me how on Nitro you booed this man right here! And you
cheered little punk Reid Flair. But do you know who this old bag is right
here? This is Reid Flair's sixth grade teacher! And she's gonna tell you
the real story of that little brat from Charlotte!" "Reid is a hellion - a
real hellraiser, and I want you to know that he's terrible in my class, and
I called his home, and I told his parents what a hellraiser he was, and you
know what? QUIIIIIET!!" "Listen to - listen to Mrs. Snodgrass!" "He gave
me his best friend's telephone number, that's what he did! He's a rotten
kid - and you know what else he taught the boys? He taught them to make
flatulating--" "FLATULATING NOISES!! HE TAUGHT THE WHOLE CLASS!" "He's
terrible! And not only that - not only that - but he put shoe mirrors on
all the boys' shoes in the class so they could look up the girls'--"
"LOOKIN' UP THE LITTLE GIRLS' DRESSES! THAT'S REID FLAIR! You know what?
I bet you after school, Ric and his little friends, little Reid,
er...behind--" "They're sucking the helium out of balloons! Well, yeah,
they're casting off the evil eye!" "Yeah! There's the real Reid Flair
just like his pathetic father!" In a SHOCKING moment of clarity, Tony asks
rhetorically "what is she trying to *accomplish* with this? Hey, notice
how Russo can't even let her finish the lines (or jokes) before he steps on
them? Now THAT, mah frien's, is a real hardon. "But now...now...the star
of the family (David) has a very special word he'd like to say." "Shut up!
You know Dad, you're probably sittin' at home tonight watching the show
with that little brat (Champ), and I hope he's cryin' his eyes out right
now! Next time, Reid, you should do what your brother tells you what to
do! So Reid, since I can't retire our father at the Great American
Bash...I'm sending you an invitation to wrestle ME at the Great American
Bash on June eleventh!" Oh, man, I HOPE that match gets booked! "Theme
from Wolfpac" fires up and out walks KEVIN NASH. "You know, Russo...I
can't think of one person whose ass I want to kick worse than yours. I'm
gonna come down there in a minute and do just that. Only problem is...I've
got somebody with me who wants a piece o' you, too." SUPERSTAR SCOTT
STEINER gets *his* music and video treatment. The girls are with him - who
knows how THEY got here. They put their goggles in place and start down
the entryway - R&B Security get all black ninja and Nash and Steiner make
like a lawn mower. If you're careful, you can hear Russo calling spots to
the other three in the corner, since he helpfully keeps the mic close to
his face. Back to the story - Russo tries to shield himself with the
teacher - then with Flair - he pushes Flair into Nash - gutshot, truckstop
poewrbomb. Daffney is at least smart enough to get out of the ring.
Russo: "No way - no way, baby. You got something to say? Hey - hit her -
hit her - hit her, Nash! Go ahead!" "Russo - we just came down to talk to
ya. We just wanna make a deal - let your girlfriend go back up." "You
wanna make a deal." "Let your girl go back up - we just wanna talk."
"Nash, you screw me and you're dead. Go. Go." Okay, let me say that the
actress was pretty good. "You got something to say--" Nash puts him in a
choke. Steiner: "Now Russo, I warned your New York ass about showing up
here in Michigan! Now you got one choice! You give me and Kevin a three
way dance with...Jeff Jarrett for the world title or he's gonna powerbomb
your ass straight to hell." Russo acquiesces, but not before Steiner gets
muted at least once. Now, nobody said anything about it being for tonight,
but the commentators are all over it like it is, concluding with Tony
saying "THUNDERRRRRRR!" the loudest I've ever heard him
say it, and I hope somebody makes a sound file out of it for me. (Hint,
hint). Now, let me say one more thing. Even though I'm a biased,
subjective, caustic smartass about this whole thing....before you mail
me....at LEAST give me credit for transcribing this whole sumbitch - for
YOU! I mean...*sure*, I thought it sucked, but I *still* did the job.
Moments Ago, Jarrett complained to Russo, who (to his credit) sold the choke.
Coming back "live," Bischoff has a heart-to-heart with Douglas. He's on
very, very thin ince with him. Cat starts to repeat - but Bischoff cuts
him off. Bischoff tells Douglas to get Funk and get it over with. "...get
it done, 'cause you are *this* close..."
FILTHY ANIMALS v. MISFITS IN ACTION in an elimination match - In typical
WCW fashion, the big entrance is ruined when one side of the curtain fails
to fall. I pile it on because I'm BIASED. Here's the last Konnan promo
I'll transcribe this millennium: "Ay yi yi! Where our dogs at, where they
at? SHUT UP! Nobody asked you! All right, Misfits, you guys think you're
some sort of infantry? You're rockin' the camoflauge? Everybody knows
that the original soldiers is us with No Limit - we thought we told ya -
(all) Hootie Hooo! That's right, that's right. Now I know WCW's made some
bad investments like the Millionaire's Club, and these fools the Misfits,
but we're gonna leave you laying worse then R&B Security, so come out here
and get some - orale arriba la raza!" It's a Pier Eight brawl - how can
Slick Johnson and Charles Robinson stay on top of all this action? Oh my!
Konnan shoved to the outside, Mysterio outside, Guerrera thrown onto
Konnan, Inferno put in the corner, Rection on all fours and Loco leaps into
Inferno. Cajun leaps into Inferno, Stash with a running splash. Rection
with a running splash. Gunns...saunters over and rips off her shirt. Then
she kicks him in the man ensemble. Six - check that, five - Misfits in the
ring - four Animals on the outside. Will a regular match break out? Who
can say. Guerrera offering the Hand of Friendship to Loco - then slapping
him instead. Inside, outside, back inside, fun and games with the entrance
ramp, tope into the ring looked nice. Loco tags Cajun, right, rigt, into
the ropes, head down, kick by de Juice. Whiplash attempt is countered -
Guerrera staggers back and tags in Mysterio. Gutshot, they trade rights,
Mysterio put into the ropes, flying headscissors doesn't happen as Cajun
hits a sidewalk slam. Bayou Blues sequence of punches for 2. Into the
ropes, Mysterio slides under makes the blind tag and...geez, NOTHIN'S
happening. Surprise 2 for the Animals. Into the ropes, switch, punching
away - Disco in - assisted superbomb by Guerrera, 1, 2, 3. (4:02) Rection
in and he's a house on fire. Tag to Stash as he's got Inferno - big ol'
atomic drop, kick, "I smoke weed" hand signal, elbowdrop, 2. Off the
ropes, spinebuster, cover, Mysterio saves. Face rake, Inferno tags in de
Juice. Dropkick, tag to Mysterio...well, maybe not. Stash crotches him on
the corner. DREADFUL Cobra clutch slam - I think he dropped him by
mistake. 1...no. Disco Inferno in with a kendo stick - everybody gets a
shot. Mysterio has a chair - Arabian legdrop from the top! Mysterio rolls
him over - 1, 2, 3. (5:48) Robinson and Guerrera were talking on the
outside - I think Hammer must have seriously hurt him with that botched
slam. It's (ostensibly) four on two - Loco comes in - gutshot, clubbin'
blow, into the ropes, atomic drop, gutshot, bit of a boogie, swinging
neckbreaker. In the corner, out to the opposite corner, elbow up from Loco,
tornado DDT, 1, 2, 3. (6:35) Guerrera comes in and Rection pounds on him.
Guerrera tries to come back against Loco - tornado DDT attempt countered,
Juvi Driver attempt countered - neckbreaker slam - put in place, tag, No
Laughing Matter - 1, 2, 3. (7:18) Or was it? SHAWN STASIAK is out, but
Johnson continued the count, so I guess he's out. Stasiak works over
Rection while Mysterio puts Loco in the broncobuster. Has anybody seen
Konnan all this time? BOOKER T. comes out despite being fired Monday,
works over Mysterio and Stasiak - and now Rection picks up the kendo stick
and lets loose. Backstage, Stash and Cajun are working on Inferno.
Where's Konnan? I give up. Is it over? Call it (8:53). I guess.
Backstage, Bischoff lectures Horace and Kidman about trusting each other -
and Torrie staying out of the middle. Horace promises to Kidman that by
the end of the show he WILL trust him.
Meanwhile, Kimberly is still talking. Elizabeth FINALLY has enough of
this, dumps her out of her chair, and makes off with the bat.
Russo talks to Tank and Rick. Is Rick wearing a T-shirt that says "BIG
ASS?" What the hell is THAT about?
Meanwhile, Shane Douglas is WALKING! And looking for Terry Funk! Hey,
maybe he'll look for him for the next HOUR! A TRADEMARK of this regime!
CHUCK PALUMBO v. THE WALL in a tables match - Let Us Take You Back to Nitro
where Total Package found he suddenly needed a plastic surgeon thanks to a
wayward "Lex flexor." Scott Steiner takes on Tank Abbott, in the Asylum,
at the Great American Bash. Let Us Take You Back to Last Week, where the
issue between Douglas and Wall started. Hey, you know Bischoff hates tag
team wrestling. Just thought I'd remind you. If you like headbutts, baby,
this match is for you! If this is a tables match, why did Wall just try
the ol' pinning predicament on Palumbo? Wall picks up Palumbo, presses him
- and drops him on the top rope instead of the table. Wall's a *thinking
man's wrestler*. Wall points to a table, so let's either end this or cue
the run-in. Palumbo on his shoulder - running to the ropes, Palumbo breaks
free, Wall off the ropes, into a clothesline, right hand, Palumbo off the
ropes, Wall catches him in a choke - Palumbo elbows out of the chokeslam.
Palumbo right. Wall betwixt the ropes and out on the apron. Wall tries a
suplex, but Palumbo drops down with a hot shot. Palumbo grabs the flexor
and waffles Wall, who falls through the table. Geez, if it's not a DQ, why
didn't he just do that at the start of the match? (3:44) Wall does his
Undertaker impersonation and pops up with a Zombie Situp. The chase is on!
Well, at least it wasn't a cluster finish.
Bischoff talks to Horace - Kimberly walks in and tells him he lost Liz.
Bischoff tells her to go find her. Hey, TWO people walkin' around lookin'
for other people! It's TWICE the Thunder!
Let Us Take You Back Ten Days to Horace turning on his uncle for Torrie -
and three days later when Kidman struck - and four MORE days later when
Kidman and Horace erupted again - and Hogan interjected himself in their
BILLY KIDMAN & HORACE (with Torrie Samuda - and Cracka Eazy-E) v. ? - Team
one comes out to the "NWO Monday Nitro" theme. First airbrushing of the
night as a fan's bird gets obfuscated - oh, I forgot to comment on sign
airbrushing last week, sorry. "You people...you people...put a smile on my
face. And a song in my heart. Speaking of songs...you know that coming
up, Great American Bash, mark in on your calendars - June eleventh -
that'll be known as the Day the Music Died. And do you know what music I'm
talking about? I'm talking about that Hulk Hogan music! That red and
yellow pain in my---you know. Because it's over - Flair's gone, Hogan's
gone, the New Blood will reign supreme, and one thing---ah, shut the hell
up, he's not hear tonight. The one thing I wanna make very, very clear is
the team you see standing here. Horace - Billy "the Kidster" Kidman - and
oh yes, Torrie - we are one happy family. And you know why? Because now
Horace knows what family is really all about - he knows what Hollywood
Hogan (his famous uncle) is really all about." "That's right - I've been
in this company for
over three years, and I've seen that sorry-ass uncle of mine ruin dozens of
careers with his greediness, his selfishness, and his backstabbing crap,
but thanks to m--" "That's enough, that's enough, you got the important
part. That's the important part. And you know what else? I am so proud
of this family, this New Blood family of mine, that I'm going to issue a
challenge to *anybody* back there - this finely tuned machine will take on
anybody, if there are any takers hanging around in the back that want to
get famous real quick. No takers? Nobody? Oh well." Now, of course,
there's ONE tag team left in WCW and it is KRONYKK. "All right - all
right, you guys can do it!" Kidman and Horace are still busy arguing
amongst themselves and Kronic quickly take control...as Bischoff takes
fourth headset. It's all Kidman in there as Brian & Bryan take turns
executing power moves on him. Kidman finally manages a 'rana and crawls to
Horace...who walks up the apron and away from the outstretched arm.
Bischoff gets up and walks over to Horace - who shoves him in the face. In
the ring, it's a double press and drop. Bischoff has a chair - but Horace
grabs it and menaces him with hit. High Times in the ring. Referee
"Blind" Charles Robinson now tied up with Bischoff...and Adams over to join
the party. Meanwhile, Horace pretends to wind up to take out Kidman with
the chair - then waffles Clarke instead. DDT for Adams on the chair.
Robinson turns around and counts for Kidman. 1, 2, 3. (4:10) Are Horace
and Kidman the tag team champions? Were *Kronic* the tag team champions?
For an encore, Kidman and Horace go right back to arguing post-match. You
know, I wouldn't be surprised if the bookers just plum forgot that tag team
titles might have needed to be involved - or at least mentioned in a
NONtitle capacity - in this match. Remember when they booked Sid Vicious
into a DQ loss during his "undefeated" streak? Like that, kinda.
Ralphus and Smiley are talking - Douglas comes in and wants to know where
Funk is. Smiley gets pasted and Douglas grabs Smiley and walks off with
Thunder Tailgate party Yamaha seen it Bagwell's supposedly suspended and so on
Promotional consideration paid for by Slim Jim (Savage & George), IceSport
from Aqua Velva, Boston Market home style meals, Motel 6 7/8, Bubble Yum
(chewed by mohawk'd ducks worldwide), and WCW Powerslam wrestlers
Close captioning where available brought to you by Meineke!
SHANE DOUGLAS & RALPHUS make their way to the ring. Douglas beats on
Ralphus until...THE WALL comes out. Douglas pours it on, Wall absorbs it
and fires back. Big boot. If he puts him through a table tonight,
there'll be no need for us to see it at the Great American Bash, you know.
Outside, chair, Douglas gets a pre-emptive shot on him, puts him in the
barricade, kick, to the apron, to the commentary table - Douglas off the
apron - caught in a choke - chokeslam through the commentary table. Well,
no need to have THIS match at the Great American Bash. Hey, bet they'll
have it anyway! Oh yeah, NORMAN SMILEY rescued RALPHUS while all this was
Gene O. stands with the Misfits and Booker T. "Gene, from this point on, I
don't wanna be called Booker T. anymore. From this point on, you are to
address me as G.I. Bro. Now can you feel me?" "I can." "See, eight years
ago, Bischoff hired Booker T., and on Monday night, he fired Booker T., so
as far as I'm concerned, Booker T. is dead. The Misfits has found GI Bro,
and from this point on, he is gonna rock and roll - Shawn Stasiak - you
will be my first casualty of war - tonight! Now can you copy that?" GI
Bro used to be a Shotgun Saturday Night jobber - I mean, a bona fide,
eighties throwback JOBBER jobber - but that was a different guy. Yeah, I
know that Booker used it back in Texas in front of crowds of tens, but who
Russo tells Jarrett he's taken care of it. New York style, baby!
This week in WCW Motorsports - Blaise Alexander and his pit crew tell us
all about the most exciting sixteen or seventeen seconds in sports - the
pit stop! Oh, I LIED about it being the most exciting...sorry.
WCW Thunder Tailgate Party clip - let's see, which one HAVEN'T we seen yet
- yeah, Valvoline Max Life!
In a split screen, Nash reads the USA Today "Money" section (or...looks at
the pictures) and drinks coffee while Steiner does pushups with one of the
hooches on his back
Meanwhile, Kimberly dispatches one member of R&B Security to go find Liz -
and another to go get the proper kind of baby lotion.
SHAWN STASIAK v. GI BRO - Booker T should be WCW World Heavyweight
Champion. Booker T *is* GI Bro, hanging with Lash LeRoux and Van Hammer.
It's enough to depress you if you haven't already been sensitized to all
this madness by WCW long, LONG ago. Listening to our commentators talk
about the "human torch" match coming up, I'm reminded of Disneyland's
quickly pulled slogan for their fireworks show the summer after the King
verdict and riots - "Be there when the night ignites." The reason I bring
this up is that Tony Schiavone has just about as much tact trying to make
puns. Oh, hey, *another* half-assed attempt to hook us on the "relaxing"
of the disqualification. GI Bro wins with the 110th street uranage and pin
(5:06) but Stasiak chairs him post-match - not only did you not want to see
this match the first time, but *the issue isn't over*. On the other
hand...at least this wasn't a cluster finish.
Snippet of the upcoming one on one with Sting.
After the ad break, MIKE TENAY *does* have that sitdown with (THIS IS) STING.
Sting, in all your years here in World Championship Wrestling you
have certainly been involved in many physical rivalries. Correct me if I'm
wrong, but it seems as if this current situation with Vampiro is much more
mental that it really is physical.
Oh, come on, Mike. That's - I wanna puke on that comment - Vampiro doesn't
mean anything to me. Are you forgettin' I've been here for ten years? I
learned tricks - the dirty tricks - from guys like Slick Ric...the Nature
Boy. How 'bout the NWO, when the NWO formed - Hall and Nash, that whole
thing there, WCW's gettin' ready to crumble...who was playing the mind
games then? It was me. I know about mind games. Vampiro's not gonna get
- I'll one-up him, he'll run out o' one-ups.
You've also mentioned on several occasions that you see certain
similarities between yourself and Vampiro, and we certainly know that
Vampiro is a twisted and sick individual, but what is it that you see of
yourself in Vampiro?
...well...ten years ago, I guess, uh....I was about as sick and twisted as,
ah...as he is - maybe. Then again, he's got the same fire in his eyes that
I had ten year ago, and by the way, I still have the same fire in my eyes,
so don't even go there, Mike.
I think there are a lot of people, Sting, that feel that maybe
Vampiro is getting the edge in this mental war. Just the mere fact that
you're going to be getting involved--
(gets up and walks behind his chair) I didn't know you were going to go in
What do you mean? You seem a little uncomfortable, I mean I want
to talk about this Human Torch--
No, I'm fine. You think I'm agitated? I'm fine!
You seem to be!
Ask away! Ask away, Mike! What's your question?
I want to ask you about the Human Torch match at the Great American
All right, go ahead. You wanna know--
A lot of people think that maybe he's getting under your skin, he's
winning the mental war--
He's not getting under my skin, Mike!
--just the mere fact, you're gonna be involved in this kind of a
match, where you have to burn your opponent, we're talking about burning
You trying to scare me out of it?
Vampiro paying YOU off now? You part of his whole deal? Yeah, it's a
Torch match - I've never been in a Torch match before. Lighting somebody
on fire is crazy - it's STUPID. But you know what? I've never turned down
one challenge in all these years with WCW. Vampiro comes out on national
TV and challenges me, Mike, I'm not gonna say no - I'm gonna say YEAH!
Because I HAVE to!
Bottom line - plain and simple - June 11th - is it worth risking
(Lights go out. Vampiro: "Let me answer that for ya, Sting!")
What the hell is going on here? Where the hell's security
We hear a struggle...and the next thing we see is the curtains behind the
set on fire. Sting tries to put it out with his trenchcoat - then yells
out "Vampiro - get back here! Vampiro!"
Gene O. stands with Kimberly, who tells us how annoying her day has been.
She's right - this day HAS been annoying. She complains about being shiny.
Liz appears from nowhere, wraps a scarf around Kimberly's neck, and leads
Promotional consideration paid for by Boston Market, Corn Nuts, Aqua Velva
IceSport (again), French's mustard, and Boston Market again, AND WCW Battle
Hey, did you know the Thunder theme is based on one of the tracks on that
WCW Mayhem CD? Neither did I!
DIAMOND DALLAS PAGE v. - Tony makes another great fire joke. "Good Gawd!
You know, Eric Bischoff, I got three words for ya. You REALLY suck! You
know, for years, BISCHOFF, I been hearing you tell people about how YOU
made ME. Well let's get something straight, monkey - you never made me.
*I* made me my bustin' my ass in spite of you! And that kinda pisses ya
off. So much so, that the first thing you do when you get back to WCW with
your fat, hamburger eatin', Cheez Whiz suckin', slimy, (rat bastard) ass -
Good Gawd that felt good! -
yourhamburgereatinCheezWhizsuckin'slimy(ratbastard)ass - the first thing
you do is you turn my wife against me. But that wasn't enough for you,
Bischoff. You gotta go after a guy that you know is like family to me.
And you gotta have Kanyon taken out by that goof Mike Awesome. Well ya
know, Awesome, can I call ya Mike - Mikey? Can I call ya Mikey? You know
what that shows me? That you aren't the sharpest tool in the shack. What
that shows me is that you're stupid, and at the Great American Bash, you
wanna take out Kanyon...well, monkey, I'M takin' YOU out!" Meanwhile, LIZ
has dragged KIMBRRLY out to the ring. Time to stop writing down Page's
third-rate Diceman impression and just tell you that Kimberly ends up over
Page's knee and gets a spanking - at least, I *think* that's what happens.
We end up TSN'ing the shot - how nice, they found some stunned children to
cut to. Anyway, when we turn back, CHUCK PALUMBO has confiscated Elizabeth
while we check the Thundertron where Mike Awesome gives us a remote from
Kanyon's hospital room, and promises to take good care of Kanyon - "as a
matter of fact, he won't feel a thing. Now you camera guys, thanks for
coming, you're all finished here. Let's shut 'em down, 'cause I want to
leave the rest to Page's imagination."
Jeff Jarrett is WALKING!
Meanwhile, Nash and Steiner are WALKING!
Moments Ago, Page got on the phone and called the hospital for security.
'cause God knows that was probably a LIVE SATELLITE FEED and not just a tape
JEDOUBLEF JADOUBLEREDOUBLET (with Vic Venom) v. SUPERSTAR SCOTT STEINER v.
KEVIN NASH - Let Us Take You Back to Nitro where
"Cut that music! Cut that crap. Silverman, get out here. 'ey Steiner,
what happened to the even playing field, eh? Two against one? Over my
dead body - I will referee this match, you got that? (to Silverman) 'ey
punk, I will take this shirt off your back, you got it?" Silverman
protests...and Nash comes out before that can escalate. Russo leaps the
barricade and runs off. Nash over the rail to follow him - Jarrett attacks
Steiner from behind and it's on. Punch, punch, punch. And so on. Into
the ropes is reversed, Steinerline, elbowdrop, press - and drop. Nash
coming back as Steiner kicks away on Jarrett - right, right, right, chop -
Russo reappears at the entryway with R&B SECURITY in tow. This sign is
pixellated for your protection. Jarrett tied in the Tree of Woe - now
Nash, from the floor, puts on a headlock. Steiner leaves the ring and goes
down the aisle - he blocks the bat swing and wrestles it away. Silverman
manages to sneak the bat away from Steiner, so instead he just grabs Russo
by the neck - will he actually get to land a blow on Russo? Of course not.
JOBBED TO DAVID ARQUETTE & RICK WOOF WOOF emerge from the curtains, each
man with one of Steiner's women. Steiner takes off after that group as
they disappear. Back in the ring, Nash is standing on Jarrett's neck as he
stands against the corner. Russo hits the ring - Nash DOES get a shot on
Russo - then he brings him back in while Jarrett goes for the bat - just in
time to halt the powerbomb attempt. Bat! Bat! Bat! Now you think that
the point of the bat in the ear would keep him down. To the back with the
bat. Right, right, right, right. Why'd he stop using the bat? Right,
right, right, right, right, Silverman trying to pull Jarrett off of Nash -
Nash out of the corner with a clothesline, but he takes out Silverman
instead. Oops. Jarrett's got the title belt - Nash ducks the swing,
gutshot, HE catches the belt, and catches Jarrett with it as well. Nash
over to roust Silverman - cover - 1, 2, Russo pulls him out. Silverman
expresses righteous indignation and Russo backs off - until Silverman turns
to Nash to explain what happened - Russo over with a kabong. In the ring,
Jarrett whacks Nash with a chair. Russo puts on Silverman's zebra shirt
(as if he couldn't make a count WITHOUT wearing it) and gets in the ring -
1, 2, kickout! Why doesn't Russo just keep counting anyway? MICKIE JAY
tries to traverse the entry way but R&B Security blocks the way. Now
SUPERSTAR SCOTT STEINER is back out and parting the crowd with a running
double clothesline cascade. Jay walks up behind him. Steiner clotheslines
Jarrett, then chases away Russo. Truckstop powebromb! Jay counts it - 1,
2, 3! Ladies and gentlemen, we have yet another new World Heavyweight
champion. (5:05) Steiner back in the ring to dump out Jarrett...and
celebrate with Nash. Ummm, hey Steiner, you LOST the match. Oh well.
Credits are up - and we are out.
Missed any part of this show? Don't worry - the replay starts - NOW!
Christopher Robin Zimmerman