by Christopher Robin Zimmerman
WrestleLine/WrestleManiacs
Take my WCW logo - please
TV-PG-DLV Nitro highlight package
Following the clip of Jarrett pinning Kanyon to score the world title shot,
we see Kanyon and Smooth watching a monitor. Kanyon says "bro" a lot and
complains, while Smooth is ready to whisper a plan in his ear - and say
"smooth" a lot.
Opening Credits
Let it roll - PYRO welcomes you to the North Charleston Colesium in
Charleston, SC 12.7.2K (taped 11.7) - it's Thunder!
Your hosts are TONY SCHIAVONE and BOBBY HEENAN. Mike Tenay is noticably
absent, and later tonight, you'll see why when the tape of his interview
with Scott Steiner is played...
3 COUNT & JOBBED TO DAVID ARQUETTE v. JUNG DRAGONS & GREAT MUTA - Abbott's
music leads out the first group - looks like he's got something to say.
"Cut the music! You know, during my boys' proudest moment they were jumped
from behind. Now, if that's not bad, what makes it worse - they robbed you
and me from them performing. Well, that ain't gonna happen again. I'll
tell you why. I got my square tucked under the ring right here. I'm gonna
place it right down there and I'm gonna face the stage, and no one's comin'
out. Moo-ta - Dragons - I'm gonna issue a warning to ya. You suck, they
do not suck. We own you. Tank and 3 Count own you. WE'LL decide when and
where we'll get to you. Well let's get to business now - I don't wanna do
that anymore, Big Daddy wants to party. Do you guys want the best? DO YOU
WANT THE BEST! I will give you the best band in rock and roll history - I
give you 3 Count!" "Sing Along with 3 Count" starts up, and if you've got
ANY kind of sense at all, you've already predicted that the Dragons come
out through the crowd and punk out 3 Count behind Abbott's back - and you'd
be right. Abbott turns to face the ring and watches all this - it's almost
as if he's *rooted to the spot* - which, of course, must mean we're waiting
for Muta to punk HIM out while his back's turned. Crazy 8-man action has
Heenan busting out his "I'll give you a MILLION dollars if you can tell me
who's legal" bit - a classic. Muta breaks out his dragon screw legwhip -
Karagias almost sells it correctly, while Helms totally botches it. Muta
spews the green mist, but Abbott blocks it with a green circle - then
whacks Muta in the back with it. Yang over with a dropkick - climbing
backflip kick - then walks right into the right hand of stone. Oops.
Abbott leaves the ring while Helms covers Yang. (2:12) Abbott walks off
with his square while 3 Count limps away. Replay of the spit and
the hand of stone. Muta makes the cool Muta face and V-neck. He's got a
real Bob Holly combover thing going.
In the Cat's office, Kanyon offers Cat a free copy of his book. By the
way, can he get a match with Jarrett tonight? Cat says he already booked
him with Buff, but perhaps he's not here tonight - if he signs the book,
he'll make the match. Apparently, this is real smooth.
The Misfits in Action huddle up. Tonight Stash gets Demon - off he goes.
Loco is "on standby." Before we find out what Cajun, Rection and Gunns get
to do, Perfect Event appear and punk out the men with Lex Flexors. Then
Palumbo hands his flexor to Gunns so she can hit him in the balls with
it...as near as I can tell. WHY would he do that? Stasiak laughs at him,
so she KICKS him in the balls.
STEVIE RAY has joined the commentators at ringside. "My brother's a man
now." The whole family is brought closer together from this. Sounds like
he's gonna stay a while. I hope we don't regret this later...
DEMON (with Jobbin' Vampiro) v. MAJ. STASH - Vampiro's music hits - Vampiro
makes the "cut the music" sign a hundred times or so - then points to the
sarcophagus where Demon emerges, and "God of Thunder" plays. Let Us Take
You Back to Nitro. Nitro reminder - Monday, "Nuremberg" Part 2; Tuesday,
Nitro. Guy walking by with a sign is pixellated. Stevie Ray is almost
immediately ready to pick up his "Worst Colour Commentator of the Year"
award; it's waiting at the front. Demon hits his "Beth" for the pin in the
blink of an eye (1:45), and it's nice to see he hasn't caught the jobbing
disease while under Vampiro's spell just yet. After the match, the lights
flicker eerily and SOME GUY stands on the Thundervision with black face
mask and goggles - and points his bat at them.
Backstage, Lance Storm and Billy Kidman are WALKING! Kidman asks Storm if
he's gonna have 'em play that anthem again, and Storm reminds him that he
*is* from Calgary, (pause) Alberta, Canada. Then Kanyon delivers the
Kanyon cutter to a nearby security guard and says BANG!
David Flair complains about his new suit - Miss Hancock tells him that if
he wants to be her man, she'll dress the part. Flair: "I'll do ANYTHING to
you!" Hancock: (brightly) "I know!"
BILLY KIDMAN & LANCE STORM v. MARK JINDRAK & SEAN O'HAIRE - Kidman
goes through entire comedy routine during the Canadian national anthem -
reading a paper, rabbit ears behind Storm, a little softshoe, feeding the
USA chant. Anthem takes (1:15). Storm immediately double clotheslines
Jindrak & O'Haire off the apron to the floor - Kidman and Storm out as a
team - double baseball slide dropkicks miss. Both men pressed back into
the ring by the Newbies. In the ring - Storm & Kidman rush them and get
pressed and dropped AGAIN. Kidman clotheslined out - Storm dropkicked off
the ropes for 2. Kidman makes the blind tag and tornado bulldogs one of
'em for 2. I don't even think the commentators can tell Jindrak & O'Haire
apart, since they never identify one or the other separately. Instead,
they spend a lot of time talking about what a great trainer Paul Orndorff
is, with Stevie Ray reminding us that he's a tag team specialist. And all
of a sudden, O'Haire is hitting his Seantonbomb on Kidman and pinning him
and it's over (2:02). --the hell? These two power plant guys just
defeated...oh well, whatever. Post-match, Storm helps up Kidman - then
superkicks him. "He's not from Calgary, (pause) Albert, Canada!"
Vampiro tells Demon that the bowels of the building are the place to grow.
He also says if Sting shows up on Monday, he'll rip off the ski mask. I
guess ol' Vampiro didn't get the big memo reminding everybody that Monday,
TNT will air Part 2 of "Nuremburg," and ripping the ski mask off THAT day
won't really shock ANYBODY - since they won't see it. I guess, in a sense,
Vampiro just jobbed to the pre-emption announcement.
Jimmy Barron phones it in with 1-800-CAL-LATT - TUESDAY Nitro! Tuesday!
GENE O. works tonight! Big Vito tells us he's the "hardest hard-working
hardcore champion" ever.
While Vito continues to talk, Miss Hancock tells David she wants some gold
to go along with her ring...that hardcore belt would do. "If you cared
about me, you'd go get that belt right now." "Okay, hang on a minute."
Back to Vito, who asks Okerlund if he got those "championship canolis" from
his mother. Flair appears and punks him out...Okerlund goes on one of his
very special "swearing tirades," and actually gets muted at one point.
Anyway, we're on to...
BIG VITO v. DAVID FLAIR for the world hardcore championship - Billy
Silverman calls for the bell, but it doesn't actually ring until thirty
seconds later. Standard "hardcore" fare punctuated by a LENNY LANE
appearance out in the crowd. Here comes MISS HANCOCK as Vito breaks up a
figure four with his kendo stick (correctly identified by Stevie Ray after
Schiavone hazards "stickball stick"), then repeatedly smites him. Nice
almost-brainbuster suplex, Savage elbow. Hancock up on the apron - Vito
over to steal him a kiss - she must have bitten him because he pulls up
spitting. Back to Flair - stomp, stomp, stomp, pylon in the crotch, whack,
Vito out for the table, this match will never end, Ray says "This has gotta
be a guy thing" like he's not a guy. DDT through the table for the pin
(4:44). Ray: "he coulda had this match won five, ten minutes ago." See,
I'm not the ONLY guy that felt like this match took forever...
Jeff Jarrett interrupts Cat's phone call to James Brown. "Buff
ain't here, I ain't workin' tonight." Cat says he's booked with Kanyon,
and if he loses, he also loses his title shot at New Blood Rising. Jarrett
bitches a bit more and takes off.
Earlier Today, the Perfect Event practiced their posedown in the ring.
Then, Kanyon entered the ring and Kanyon cutter'd a member of the ring
crew. Then, he said "BANG!"
PERFECT EVENT (with Nitro Reminder #2) v. CPL. CAJUN & GEN. RECTION (with
Major Gunns) - The champs don't seem to have their poses synchronised yet.
Stevie Ray: "This ain't Romper Room, this ain't Tiddlywinks!" I'd give
*anything* to hear him say "froot booty" just one more time. Either that,
or have him take off and never sit at the commentary table again. Either
of those things. "Now we cookin' baby!" Heenan mocks Stevie Ray AND Stuart
Scott with "He must be butter, baby, 'cause he's on a roll" and I'm
wondering where exactly we've travelled to end up in this other world where
they don't even BOTHER to put on a show worth watching. Let's flash to
Rection climbing the ropes for the moonsault - Palumbo tries to hold his
ankle, Cajun over to beat HIM off, but it was long enough for Stasiak to
sneak in and powerbomb him off the second rope (yikes!) for ... 2?? No
way. Tag to Palumbo - Rection ducks and powerslams. Hot tag to Cajun -
missile dropkick, Bayou Blues sequence, cover....2. Palumbo punches back
up - scoop - Cajun slips it - gutshot, Whiplash 2000 - 1, 2, Stasiak breaks
it up. Right by Stasiak, right, right, into the ropes,
tilt-a-whirl...Cajun with a head scissors to take him outside. Tag, suplex
by Cajun, Savage elbow by Rection - 2. He's gonna try for No Laughing
Matter again - hit it. 1, 2, Stasiak hits referee "Blind" Charles Robinson
with the Lex flexor. Cajun dropkicks Stasiak and picks up the
flexor...Robinson gets up, sees Cajun holding the flexor and rings the bell
(DQ 6:58), giving the match to Perfect Event. Never mind that it makes NO
sense that he'd whack him while his partner was getting the pinfall, nor
that I feel like a REAL chump, and I only did a couple minutes of
play-by-play. Stevie Ray: "Now what does this froot--" and he catches
himself. Aww, c'mon! LET THE MAN SAY HIS DAMN CATCHPHRASE!
Booker T. is WALKING!
BOOKA T. (with TV-PG-DLV ratings box) is out to say a few words.
Here's some stills from Bash at the Beach while we wait for him to get
there. Here's some clips from Nitro; that's a long aisle. "Everybody in
here know who I am. I am Booker T. - WCW World's Heavyweight champion.
It's a good thing, it's a g- I love you too, baby, I love you too. Let's
talk about a little somethin'. (We look backstage to see Mike Awesome
watching on a monitor.) I just found out that I have to defend the
heavyweight championship belt at the next pay-per-view, against Jeff
Jarrett - New Blood Rising. You know, Jeff, you a great technical
wrestler, you have great skills, but Jeff Jarrett, as a man, you suck.
Make no mistake, I will not underestimate you, I will take you straight to
hell and back before I give up my world's heavyweight title. And oh yes, I
know like I said, there's a lot o' playa hatas in the back lining up for a
shot at this title - lining up like crazy - but I tell you this. Each and
every one of you guys who want a shot at this title - you will get your
shot. I will not be duckin' nobody! I will not defend this title every
three months, I will defend this title each and every week for each and
every one of my fans in this arena. But last but not least, Scott Steiner
- after what you did on Nitro, you wanna run up on me from the backstage?
You wanna brush up on my wife? Sucka I will KILL you! You're cryin' and
moanin' about you want a title shot, you're cryin' and moanin' about you
should have a belt. I tell you this, Scott Steiner: save the drama fer yo
momma. And I tell you this, and make no mistake about it, and I said it
once and I'll say it again: don't hate the playa...hate the game." Crowd
actually chants "hate the game," so I guess he's got a catchphrase now.
RICK WOOF WOOF comes out with different music. "Hey, I just wanna talk to
ya, Booker. I know it's been a long, hard eight years. Some of those I
been on the same side with ya, sometimes we had our differences, but what
my brother did to ya last Monday was wrong. So maybe you can understand
why I'm out here tonight. You've got a brother, I got a brother. I've had
to go behind my brother and clean up his crap all my life - his bad
attitude, the way he treats people. So the reason I came down in front of
all these people in South Carolina (crowd: "he said the name of our
state!") is to rectify the Steiner name, but also elevate Booker T. as the
world heavyweight champion. Watching you and your brother get back
together Monday, I sat my brother down. I am his older brother and he
listens to me, or I WILL beat his ass. So maybe someday him and I'll be on
the same page, but tonight, I just wanna congratulate you and wish you the
best of luck as world heavyweight champion." Steiner offers the Hand of
Friendship - T regards it with suspicion...but takes it. Steiner raises
his arm...and leaves! Can you believe he didn't punk him out or NOTHIN'?
Well, you silly bastard, of COURSE he turned back and delivered a
Steinerline. Punches are exchanged - Steinerline again. Steiner waffles
him with the belt as Stevie Ray leaves the table and punches out Steiner.
Ray actually works over the SECURITY guys (albeit with really weak swings)
as they hold him back, while Steiner puts on the title belt, then goes
outside for a chair. AWESOME MULLET hits the ring and makes a save. "I'll
be back!" Booker pulls himself up...and Awesome hands him his belt. THEY
shake hands.
NEXT: Daffney applies some blue lipstick as Crowbar laces up. She really
likes her Stuck Mojo shirt, but "do I look fat in this?" "Don't be
ridiculous, Daffney, you look great." "Really?" "Daffney, you're really
pretty." Thanks! "Let's go kick their butts. Haa!" Crowbar makes the
"why didn't I tell her?" face.
Meanwhile, Franchise picks up Torrie Wilson from her makeup chair. "I'm
not gonna break a nail, am I?" Franchise promises to take care of it all
himself...
Promotional consideration paid for by Slim Jim (Savage), Judge Wapner's
cash scam, Boston Market TV dinners, America (ha!) Online, and the
kid who sees dead people on video
Cat tells Kidman (carrying a lead pipe) not to interfere in this next
match. If he doesn't interfere, he'll give him Lance Storm tonight.
THE FRANCHISE & TORRIE SAMUDA v. CROWBAR & DAFFNEY - Let Us Take You Back
to Monday where Crowbar felt the Franchiser. "You will sit down and pay
attention to the greatest athlete in WCW history! Now WCW thinks they're
gonna take us and this beautiful piece of woman and put her in a mixed tag
team match. She is not a wrestler! And I can guarnatee you scumbags this.
Nobody - not Daffney - not the Crowbar - and certainly none of you losers
are gonna put a hand on this sweet thing, Miss Torrie Wilson, hahaha."
"Sorry, Billy, sorry to all you chumps in the back, sorry to all you
so-called men in the audience - I know you're all so jealous, but I'd just
like to say I LOVE to get Franchised!" Crowbar hits a SWEET
between-the-ropes dropkick to the floor. Back in the ring, off the ropes
hiptoss/Falcon Arrow for 2. Tag to Daffney. Franchise isn't sure what to
do - Daffney screams in his ear, then walks over to Torrie and slaps her.
Torrie mouths "you bitch," then removes HER shoes to get in. Catfight!
Catfight! Catfight! Referee "Blind" Charles Robinson pulls her off -
hairpulls are still illegal? Who knew. Wilson quickly tags out.
Franchise blocks the suplex attempt and hits his fishermanplex. Then he
tags Wilson - she SPLASHES him, but he kicks out with authority at 2.
Daffney screams, she backs into a grab by Crowbar - she tries to tag but
apparently misses. Crowbar tags in Daffney. Hair beal - thanks, we needed
at least one. There's another. Franchise tags her in the ass - got
Daffney, who's perfecting her hair beal...oops, her trick knee just acted
up. Daffney with a jawbreaker on Franchise! Tag to Crowbar - right,
right, into the ropes, nice dropkick, Northern Lights suplex for 2. Scoop
- and a slam. Going outside for a springboard splash. 1, 2, no. In the
corner, chop, chop, right, right, Ten Punch Count Along - check that, Nine
and a munch. Into the opposite corner, back elbow up by Douglas, Nitro
Reminder #3, Crowbar ducks a punch, right, Mindbender, 1, 2, kickout!
Well, maybe that wasn't the Mindbender. Quebrada misses - Franchise picks
him up and drops him powerbomb style. Douglas just glares at him. Now
they're going for another one (guess they flubbed the spot) - Crowbar
breaks free (aha), comes off the ropes after his clothesline misses,
there's the Franchiser - 1, 2, 3. (4:40) Post-match, Daffney gets a
Gillooly with the lead pipe on Franchise, and goes up for the
Frankenscreamer, but Franchise recovers, drops her and hits the Franchiser.
Torrie gives the badmouth as well. Robinson plays white knight while
Franchise plays innocent.
Backstage, Booker T. tells Cat he wants Steiner tonight - Cat says he can't
do it, because he's already given him to Awesome.
Advance Auto Parts presents "This Week in WCW Motorsports!" Blaise
Alexander brought the #81 Chevy to the Milwaukee Mile, where he got a "good
top 20 finish." The crew chief breaks kayfabe by revealing they finished
18th. Next week: another report! The voiceover guy drops his voice a few
octaves to express condolences for Kenny Irwin.
Exterior of the Colesium - where Kanyon is out Kanyon cutting another
innocent victim. When will the madness end?
Time now for MIKE TENAY's sitdown with WHITE THUNDER, with MIDAJAH aside
him. Now normally, I'd type five minute interview segments out for you,
and I try to ALWAYS capture Steiner's wonderful turns of phrase, but since
I'm obviously dogging it for Thunder this week, I'll shorten it to two
obvious words: roid rage. Tenay starts by asking about Bash at the Beach,
and Steiner pitches a fit about how he wants to only talk about the past.
He doesn't give a (damn) about Scott Hall, and it felt good at the
time, so he did it. I should note that although Steiner's first "damn"
gets muted, the censor then apparently says "fuck it" and doesn't bother
with the rest - although "piss" and "ass" still disappear. In a surreal
moment, Steiner dusts off the old "it's not a huracanrana, it's a
Frankensteiner" line and gets QUITE perturbed at Tenay's calling of the
move as such. Tenay explains he was just trying to get over the luchadores
- go figure, Steiner says he doesn't give a damn about luchadores. He's
coming down to the desk next time Tenay calls it. As for Goldberg, he was
too stupid to get into Michigan (opting for Georgia) so he couldn't just
kick his (ass) ten years ago. No, he hates the fans (it's a shoot!) and he
doesn't give a damn whether they cheer for him or not. The interview
climaxes as Tenay asks Steiner if, just possibly, this bottled up hatred
and anger has roots in his childhood. Stiener throats him, crushing his
larynx before Midajah can convince him to leave him in a crumpled heap and
walk off. "He didn't ask me the right questions!"
Promotional consideration paid for by Super Soaker, Corn Nuts, Motel 6 7/8,
America (ha!) Online, and Boston Market TV dinners
Cat talks on his cel phone to James Brown - but starts hearing music. Kato
1, 2, and 3 spring from their hiding places, but Inspector Cat demolishes
them. "I ain't got time to play!"
LANCE STORM v. BILLY KIDMAN - Kidman rushes Storm in mid-entrance. Heenan:
"Everybody all over the country is talking about Lance Storm, from Calgary,
Alberta, Canada - they're saying what a great wrestler this guy is."
Stevie Ray: "Bobby, I have heard no one talk about Lance Storm." "Well,
you haven't hung with me before." "Well Bobby, I am a professional
wrestler, and I've been to dressing rooms and I get the emails from people
- nobody's talking about this guy." "Well I go through airports and hotels
and *I* hear about him." "Well, Lance Storm, regardless of how much you've
heard about him, is - is a quality performer, there's no question." Can
you BELIEVE they're giving this match away for free on Thunder so soon
after Storm debuts? On the other hand, what the heck ELSE are you gonna do
with him? On the other hand, can't you afford to give them more than three
minutes so the chronicler will have a chance to put down at least ONE move
before Kidman scores the win? (You Can't Powerbomb Kidman mere inches from
a chair -> pin 2:56)
Outside the arena, Buff Bagwell FINALLY arrives. See, for us "insiders,"
this is a "rib" on Bagwell's "transportation" problems. The "car" is
"driven" by his "mother," Judy. As Buff thanks her and leaves, Kanyon
arrives. "Christopher! How ya doin'?" Kanyon says he'll get someone to
park the car for her - why not come in with him? "What'cha been doin'?"
"Come in and I'll show ya!" Kanyon gives a wink and a big grin to the
camera...oh oh!
Close captioning where available made possible by Meineke!
When we come back, Judy Bagwell is laid out and attended to by EMT's,
already in a neck brace. Buff happens by and wants to know what just
happened.
RICK WOOF WOOF v. AWESOME MULLET - Let Us Take You Back to Earlier Tonight,
where...well, I covered it earlier. "I'm the DFG! So if you want some,
come get some! You don't like me, bite me." Wow, that's like a "greatest
hits" promo for Steiner. Stevie Ray is all choked up with emotion and
rooting for Awesome. Nice tope by Awesome. Steiner takes advantage of
referee "Blind" Jamie Tucker's brief distraction by kicking Awesome in the
nuts. Steiner: "Don't ever get in my matches again!" Umm, that wasn't a
match earlier, Rick. We go to a long crowd shot for no apparent reason.
Dueling German suplexes. Awesomebomb. I'm glossing, here (like you didn't
notice). On the second rope - belly-to-belly superplex by Steiner...for 2.
Steinerline. 1, 2, no. Steiner threatening Tucker, who bolts. Schoolboy
by Awesome - 1, 2, 3. (4:15) Steiner unleashes some anger on Awesome
until BOOKA T. comes out to save HIM. I think that Booker is the only
person this crowd cares about tonight. Me too, for that matter. Steiner
thinks about wielding a tripod...but decides to walk off instead.
NEXT: Kanyon is WALKING! And almost running out of room...
Meanwhile, Jeff Jarrett is WALKING!
Moments Ago...go go Booker T! Oh yeah, Booker T raised Mike Awesome's arm,
too. Lookit Booker T, ALREADY giving a rub.
T joins the commentary team and says he might as well stick around for this
match, as he has an interest in it.
JEDOUBLEF JADOUBLEREDOUBLET v. "POSITIVELY" KANYON - Booker T tells his
brother to maintain, and no matter what happens, do NOT bust out "froot
booty." Dammit, I've been waiting ALL night for "froot booty!" SAY IT!
SAY "FROOT BOOTY!" (Visit ddtdigest.com after your done over here) Let Us
Take You Back To Monday And Show You How Jeff Jarrett Made As Average White
Band And Won The Title Shot. Kanyon rips up a planted copy of "Positively
Page" - random crowd members crumple up the thrown pages and then throw
them into the ring - heh. I rather expect a Buff Bagwell run-in here, so
that'll be my last excuse for sluffing off on calling a match tonight.
Nitro Reminder #4, for good measure. Humourous segment has Stevie
Ray explain to Tony Schiavone how he's a "thinking man's wrestler." This
is actually a pretty good match going here...my guilt catches up with me
about five minutes in - Kanyon going for the loaded book - swing misses -
Jarrett DDT's him ON THE BOOK - only 2?!? Damn. Jarrett with the gee-tar
- referee "Blind" Billy Silverman wrestles it away from him, giving Kanyon
the opportunity to swing with the loaded book - no, no, don't hook the NEAR
leg, you idiot! You're only giving him the chance to use the FAR leg to
catch the bottom rope...sure enough. That's only 2. Off the ropes, Kanyon
ducks the clothesline and clotheslines Jarrett outside the ring. He
follows. into the barricade is reversed. Jarrett shoves Stevie Ray - then
clocks Jarrett with a right. He grabs Schiavone (huh?) and next thing you
know there's a big ol' fracas going on at the commentary table. Meanwhile,
BUFF DADDY BAGWELL *does* make his expected appareance and throw some shots
Kanyon's way...back in the ring where Jarrett hits the Stroke and Silverman
comes back in to count the pin. 1, 2, 3, thank God, credits, we're outta
here. (7:10)
Christopher Robin Zimmerman
www.CRZ.net