by Christopher Robin Zimmerman
WrestleLine/WrestleManiacs
I GET LETTERS: Mysteries revealed, thanks to James Kalyn: If you were interested, I was indirectly responsible for that Mange Ma
Merde sign on Thunder that you mentioned. I was giving sign suggestions to
my friend Wes from Calgary who made the trip down - among others were signs
in French like "suce ma saucisse" or "mange ma merde." It was Wes' friend
Jon who was carrying the sign.
Jason finally helps me out with the iWatch scoop: Yeah, I did the IWatch thing. It's actually pretty fun. You talk to other
fans, most of which agree that there are a lot more negatives than positives
in WCW and are only their for the prizes. The site is divided into 4 boxes:
Chat room, trivia & "inside info", ads, and reader signs & information. The
trivia can be anything from "What name did Norman Smiley wrestle under in
Mexico?" to "What will be the finishing move in this match?" Answer the
question correctly, get points. Person with most points at the end wins
"cool" WCW apparel. Also, I learned from the "classified" information that
WCW "can't say" on the air: Elix Skipper used to work at a burger joint
before WCW.
And finally, Dan has a comment that might be too hot for "the Torch Today," yet seems more relevant than some ESPN sportscaster saying "if you smell what I'm cookin'" for the MILLIONTH time (and that's in the Torch Today report - much less overall): I don't know if you've heard this or not, but I thought I'd let you know
anyway. Track 12 of Eminem's "Marshall Mathers LP", entitled "Ken Kaniff
(skit)", is a graphic dramatization of Violent J and Shaggy 2 Dope giving
Eminem a blow job. Who knew Eminem could read the minds of WCW fans
everywhere (insert low attendence/low ratings joke here)?
TV-PG-DLV - WCW logo - I throw it all into the air, and whatever God
wants, he takes
Nitro "highlights" - close captioned - now...WHY didn't Goldberg sign that
release again?
To Cat's office, where Chuck Palumbo rudely interrupts his phonecall by
searching through his desk. "Get outta my drawer!" Palumbo wants to be in
the main event. Cat says he wants ratings, not a chump in the main event.
(IT'S A SHOOT!) Palumbo says that Kevin Nash said he *is* ratings. Cat
says maybe he could get Nash to join him in a tag match, then. Their
opponents will be Booker T and a partner of his choosing. Palumbo says
that's fine. Mrs. Jones comes in and delivers the paperwork - then answers
Cat, saying that that other thing has already been covered...
Opening Credits - Buff's still in - Sting's only there in burn mask (except
for a single frame shot) - they'll leave that single frame of Saturn in
there FOREVER just to see how long I'll continue to mention it
PYRO bids us welcome to Tulsa, OK and the Tulsa Convention Center (and 4-H
Hall) - we are ON TAPE 23.8.2K (taped 22.8) and the iWatch logo must mean
it's the Superstation TBS - WEDNESDAY - WCW THUNDER!
KWEE-WEE (with Paisley) v. CPL. CAJUN (with the rest of the Misfits in
Action - sans Stash) - commentators ask Paisley what she sees in Kwee-wee,
and she says it's his tremendous penis. Well, she pussyfoots around it,
but that's the gist of it. If EVER the situation called for Stevie Ray to
say "froot booty," this would be it, but this is WCW, where they keep the
brother man down. Commentators take great pains to try to explain to us
how it's okay for Goldberg to jackhammer Midajah (a performer who has
executed several top-rope manoeuvres in the ring) while it's downright
heinous for Scott Steiner to intimate a rape of Beth (a girlfriend [or
actress facsimile thereof] holed up in the hotel room), to the point where
nobody feels like calling the match - me included, I suppose. Dig Stevie
Ray on play-by-play. "Pee-wee is in big trouble right now - the Cajun man
is coming up - he's looking for - oh - right hand over the top - blocked
another one, right hand over the top - brotha, we got a donnybrook goin'
here!" Outside we go, where the intervention of the MIA is avoided - for
now. When Cajun makes it over to the commentary table and flashes his
sideburns for Paisley, she gives him a slap. Tony: "She's standing up for
her man is what she's doing." Paisley: "Thass right!" Tony: "I'm with ya
girl, I know." Cajun busts out a Venis-like Blue Thunder powerbomb - for
2. Finish sees Kwee-wee drop Cajun face-first with an Argentine
pancake for the fall. (5:41) Paisley suggests "Hooked on Phonice" to
Stevie Ray. For an encore, we get a Gunns/Paisley tussle as the cherry on
top.
Quick, hurry! Kevin Nash is WALKING! We MUST get this shot in before the
break!
The 1-800-CAL-LATT Road Report sez: Nitro. Las Cruces. Eat at Hobo Joe's.
Backstage, Gunns and Paisley have flared up again, and no amount of
ointment's gonna soothe that burn! WHOOOOA WORK THAT METAPHOR BABY. As
they are pulled apart *again*, the iWatch logo casts its benevolent gaze
'pon the scene. Methinks this isn't the last we've seen of THIS epic
saga...
Meanwhile, Mrs. Jones hand delivers a document to Lance Storm and Elix
Skipper. Tonight, Storm will defend his title in a three-way dance against
Mike Awesome and General Rection. Storm: "But I'm not even that good a
dancer!" (No, he didn't really say that.) Storm says he longer defends
this belt on American soil, but Jones says it's happening tonight, so
there. I hope she's sleeping with somebody to keep this job - that way, at
least SOMEBODY gets something out of her performance!
Here come the NATURAL NEW BORN BLOOD THRILLERS, I'm AMAZED they didn't
somehow find a way to fit Russo's name and/or monogram into their team name
and/or T-shirt. As they make their way to the ring, our commentary team
hypes tonight's main event: who's the mystery partner? Stevie Ray says he
knows...but he ain't tellin'. Tenay (his voice cracking): "Suckas gots to
know!" I think I just got me a new soundfile to find. Mike Sanders is the
man on the mic: "Listen up, Tulsa! I'm not...I'm not even gonna deal with
you tonight. You wanna be Texans? You're state's about that big. I'm
dealing with the rest of the 49 states. Boys, the Natural Born Thrillers
made one HELL of a debut on Nitro. And why wouldn't we? We're the
genetically JAAAAAAAACKED superstars...here in WCW." Most of them remove
their shirts here. "Now, last night, I asked myself, I said 'self, why?
Why isn't Chuck Palumbo the World Heavyweight Champion? Robbed! Why isn't
- why isn't Jindrak & O'Haire the world tag team champions?' And then I
answered, and I said 'Mike,' 'cause that's what I go by back home, 'if the
inevitable almost happened last night, and if it would have happened, it
would have been a way of life in WCW,' so Mr. Cameraman, pull it in
reeeeeeeeal tight. We're bigger, we're faster, we're stronger, and oh
yeah, we're a hell of a lot better lookin' than the rest of those guys in
the back. However, however, our patience is running thin, so WCW, the
Natural Born Thrilers are here to stay, and we're playin' hardball, baby."
Their PATIENCE is wearing thin? It's been TWENTY-FOUR HOURS! Sounds to me
more like *Russo's* patience has worn thin. As usual. Here come the
FILTHY ANIMALS to offer rebuttal. "Hey, yo, this goes to you and your five
(boyfriends) up there. When you said 'longer and stronger and harder,' you
also forgot to include dumber. And when you also said Oklahoma's about
this size, there's something else in here that's about this size."
Inferno: "Hey, Sanders! What is it you call you guys? The...uh...genetic
jackasses?" "Hey, Disco, that was genetically JACKED." "Whatever. Hey,
when you beat me Monday night, I made you a star. Well, tonight it's me
and you one on one, and I'll tell you what, Sanders. There ain't no way a
green bum like you can last thirty seconds with a star like me because you
just don't got it like that, Sanders." As they all point and make faces,
VINCE RUSSO'S GOOD FRIEND BIG VITO hits the ring with his stickball bat -
White Russian legsweep on Reno! One by one, the Thrillers turn round and
get punked out (except Stasiak, who goes outside - he's on IR) - this is
what they call a "push." Finally the five manage to pull it together long
enough to put down the one. Five-way stompdown is interrupted as the four
Animals hit the ring. Stevie Ray pronounces it "on lahk neckbone." They
fade to black with Vito and the Animals in the ring, but before they can
play anybody's music.
Don't be fooled - "the Art of War" is NOT based on the book of the same name
This portion of Thunder is brought to you by Western Union Money Transfer!
Backstage, Booker T asks Big Vito if he's a crazy cracka or what. Vito
says he's just defending the WCW neighbourhood. T doesn't say "Did you say
'hood?'" but instead asks him if he'd like to tag up with him and the
iWatch logo in tonight's main event. Vito lays out a menu and T says
"booyah."
Meanwhile, in the Cat's office, Mike Sanders does his Joe E. Legend
impersonation. Cat blows him off until Sanders reports that Inferno said
that James Brown was the worst entertainer he'd ever seen in his life. Cat
perks up. Sanders says how about addingn a stip to tonight's match - if he
can beat Disco, he's out of WCW. Cat says DI has a "no-cut contract" and
he can't go along with that. Sanders gives us a "rats" pantomime and walks
off.
Meanwhile, Crowbar psyches himself up to present a bouquet of (not
dead) flowers to Daffney and proclaim that, gosh, he's crazy about her. In
the middle of practicing in the mirror, Daffney bounds in and gives him a
big smack on the cheek. "What was that for?" "My secret admirer! We went
out last night...and he is SO perfect. I have looked for a guy like him my
entire life, and he - he's the one! I mean - and and he's gonna be here
tonight - and you can meet him! Who're those for?" Crowbar says that
great guy must have sent them. Daffney can't WAIT for him to meet
him...she walks off and Crowbar makes faces. Good thing Daffney doesn't
watch this program!
JUNG DRAGONS (with Let Us Take You Back to New Blood Rising) v. THE HARRIS
BROTHERZ - you can compose all the email you want, I ain't gonna say
nothin' bout this but it's a DAMN shame. (H bomb -> Heavy D pin Yang 2:06)
Following the "Triple H bomb" (yuk yuk), KRONYKK run out and Stevie Ray
pronounces it "on like Donkey Kong." They brawl out of the ring, over the
barricade, and, alas, NOT out of my life. And now LEIA MEOW slinks down to
the ring and berates the Dragons...then has them follow her back. Castrol
Motor Oily provides a replay of an H bomb, a run-in, and some punchin'.
Storm peruses the contract - Skipper tells him to "leave it to Prime Time"
and gets on his cel phone...
Meanwhile, Smooth and the iWatch logo take a gander at Smiley, forlornly
stroking his hardcore title belt. How can he get the title off his hands?
Smooth tells Smiley to just hand the belt over to him, but Smiley says Cat
won't let him do that. Smooth says they can have a hardcore "I Quit" match
- all he has to do is hit the ring and say "I quit" and it'll be smooth -
hardcore smooth.
CROWBAR'S DOWN (with Daffney's Up) v. RENO - This entire match consists of
Daffney screaming, followed by the crowd screaming. Crowbar's heart isn't
in this match, so the story goes. Kinda like your chronicler's heart isn't
in recapping tonight's show. When the most over man in the match is
Daffney, it's not like I'm really missing much by ignoring all this.
Anyway, it's dropped that David Flair and Stacy Keebler will get married
during the 11 September Nitro in Charlotte - barring any writer firings
between now and then, of course. Stevie Ray, on women: "Get them
squakks off yo mind! Look, man, if the Benjamins' in my back pocket and
the bank account is big, hey, women are second nature anyway, can u dig
it?" Crowbar hits a Spicolli Driver - Stevie Ray: "Hook the leg for
God's..." 2 count. Now A CROWBAR LOOKALIKE saunters down the aisle -
Daffney sees him and leaps into his arms. Crowbar spots this and drops
Reno. Commentators make a big deal about the fact that Daffney has spent
six months with a guy under her nose lookin' just like the guy with her
now. Aww, poor Crowbar. Reno reverses a vertical suplex attempt with the
Roll of the Dice for the fall (6:53) and continues to stomp on him until
that dude runs him off with a lead pipe in his hand. Reno proclaims the
new guy a dead man - Stevie Ray asks if he's a wrestler, truck driver or
cab driver, or what. "Suckas need to know!"
This portion of Thunder is brought to you by AT&T Wireless Service!
Backstage, Palumbo tells Nash and the iWatch logo that he's worked out some
real good doubleteam spots for tonight's main event. Nash says he isn't
worried about the match; he's worried about Fall Brawl. Nash asks him to
take Booker out of the picture...and they'll worry about Vito when the time
comes.
Meanwhile, Booker T limbers up while Vito reads the USA Today Sports
section. He asks him if he's going to stretch out...Vito says he warms up
by playing a little stickball before a match. Somehow, this becomes a
stickball challenge. I can't possibly add anything to this.
Elsewhere, Mrs. Jones brings Lt. Loco to the Cat. He plays with Cat's
8-Ball (must have inherited it from Bischoff), then turns his attention to
the Inferno/Sanders match. HE suggests a "Disco leaves WCW" stip. Cat
tells Jones to shove him away.
Meanwhile, the FOURTH subsegment sees Tank Abbott fire 3 Count, telling
them they've been making a career out of making him look bad. "I'm the
star, and I'm keeping the record contract." Their final obligation is a
match with the Dark Carnival. Abbott promises bad things if they make him
look bad one last time...
In the FIFTH subsegment, Mike Tenay interviews MIDAJAH from her bedroom.
Mike first asks, who the heck is she? She's been involved in Latin TV, a
little acting, fitness industry, competitions, and involved in the Weider
promotional machine, so look for her in "Flex" next month. The transition
to sports entertainment seemed natural. She'll be out for a while
following the jackhammer. She was in the wrong place at the wrong time,
but Scotty'll be there the next time. She's been working at the Power
Plant - she wants to get more involved in wrestling. Madusa, Buddy Lee
Parker and Paul Orndorff have been training her. Tenay turns into a
chauvinist right in front of our very eyes, asking Midajah just what the
heck she's doing at 5'0" and 100 pounds joining this "men's world."
Midajah says she's got a lot more to offer than just being eye candy.
Tenay tells her she was just an armpiece. Midajah takes offense. Tenay
says that "insulting or not, that's the reality of the matter." She says
that she won't take the "Playboy" route - she's going to *earn* her money.
Tenay offers that if she HAD taken that contract, she wouldn't be holed up
with a neck brace. Midajah suggests he's "failed to forget" (huh?) that
there was a time when she was all standing between Scott Steiner and a
strangled Mike Tenay. Tenay said all she saved was Scott Steiner...from
larger fines and a longer suspension. "Mike, you are being so sarcastic."
"I think there's realism and then there's sarcasm...and that's where the
line is blurred with you....I've heard this all before - 'I am woman, hear
me roar.'" Midajah says she'd like to talk to Scotty before they continue
this interview...another day. "Hmm. Good luck to you and your future in
sports entertainment, honey....'cause you're gonna need it." Say...who's
the heel here? Both of them?
Outside the arena, Vito and Booker T (and the TV-PG-DLV ratings box)
play stickball. The iWatch logo intrudes here - and so do four of the
Thrillers, who punk out T...well, until Vito and T take their sticks to
them and take them all out.
Meanwhile, Smiley is WALKING! Happy that he'll soon be free of the
hardcore title...but he stumbles upon the Dark Carnival - and Muta chops
him right in the throat.
3 COUNT (already in the ring) and JOBBED TO DAVID ARQUETTE v. PAINT
JOBBERS. Tank cuts the music - and tosses the green circles outside the
ring. After telling them to get out of the ring, Abbott asks the crowd if
they're ready for a "good song." "Ain't Nothin' But a Tank Thing" fires up
- it lasts under a minute. Funny moment sees referee "Blind" Mickie Jay
and ring announcer David Penzer both pretend to go along with Abbott when
he's looking directly at them - then make loopy faces when his back is
turned once again. Schiavone proclaims that with a few weeks on the
Billboard chart, that sucker's ready to go plywood! Once again, in my own
mind I hear the voice of Bobby Heenan saying "get the gong." Instead, we
get Stevie Ray. "Hey, wait a minute - wait a minute, Tony. How can this
guy - how can anybody take this guy serious? This is the same guy that
takes old ladies out for and living a gets paid for it!" Tony: "No, that's
gigolo - he's a juggalo." Abbott won't even stay in the same corner as 3
Count, opting instead to stand in an adjacent corner. He never comes into
the ring. Jay ends up taking the green mist - behind his back, 3 Count
eventually gets demolished. Before the pin can be counted, however, Tank
finally comes in and gives almost all of them that deadly right (see,
they're being PUSHED) - 3 Count behind him with baseball bats now - but!
They all put the bats to Tank instead. Stevie Ray compares Tank Abbott to
David Ruffin - whoa, my head just spun. Mutasault - STILL no ref. Wait,
there he is. 1, 2, 3. (3:09) Quick to the break to the break to the
break!
Promotional consideration paid for by Slim Jim (Savage), America (ha!)
Online, Lean Pockets from Hot Pockets, and the WCW Nitro trading card game
Skipper is STILL on his phone - apparently, Awesome is "signed, sealed and
delivered." The iWatch logo shines brightly. As Skipper walks off, having
laid out how tonight's match will end up Storm and Awesome against
Rection...we notice that he was standing right in front of the MIA dressing
room - and Rection, behind that door, heard the whole thing.
Meanwhile, Vito expresses distress over the fact that their friendly
stickball game was so rudely interrupted. T says they gotta pull the plug
on them playa-hatas tonight. Odds of Vito turning on the champ are 50/50.
GENE O. works tonight! He stands with Paisley and Kwee-wee. She gets
muted on some insult of Okerlund, then tells us that females like Major
Gunns makes females like HER look bad, so tonight she's going to show her
what it's like to get a beatdown from a REAL woman. She dares her to come
out alone. Then they pat themselves and walk away while Gene rolls his
eyes...
M.I. SMOOTH v. SCREAMIN' NORMAN SMILEY for the Hardcore title in an "I
Quit" match - Smooth now comes out to a ripoff of Sade's "Smooth Operator"
and I'll withhold all clever remarks about THEIR cleverness. HOO BOY
*EVERYBODY* IN THAT BUILDING IS A BIG FAT OKIE - oh sorry, that shot caught
me off guard. Stevie Ray says he prefers white women, anyway. (No
he didn't - well, not directly, anyway) Smiley is still holding his throat
from Muta's chop...and apparently can't speak the words. He lays down, and
referee "Blind" Johnson thrusts the mic in his face - but Norman can't
utter a sound. Smooth gingerly taps him on the head with a garbage can lid
- Smiley lays down again and Johnson axes him again. "I'm sorry, buddy, I
can't hear you." Smooth half-swings the kendo stick and halts in mid-air -
Smiley falls anyway. "Norm?" Smiley gesticulates wildly. Smooth gets
impatient and actually decks him. Smooth going to the chops - and spanks
him as well. Headbutt. Smiley screams - well, as much as a mute CAN
scream. Which is to say, not at all. Smooth with a double thrust - and
another request to axe him. Smiley says "...." Smooth starts doing his
Ice Train breathing. And to think we could have had another match between
announcers during this segment. Smiley begs off, Smooth punches, stomps,
chokes, requests that he axe him - scoop...and a slam. Stomp. Smiley to
the nuts. Smiley pointing to his larynx, now going for the...no, no, it's
not time yet. Smooth with the garbage can - to the head. "We had a deal
sucka!" Whip into the corner, double axe misses, Smiley with the can to
the head, again, into the ropes is reversed, clothesline by Smooth. "You
axe him! Say it!" Scoop...and a slam. Smooth takes his shirt off as
Smiley tries once again to say the words - and fails. "I can't understand
you, Norm!" "You won't do it?" Stomp, stomp. "What? Say it! We had a
deal!" Into the ropes, clothesline. Snap suplex. "You're hardcore?
Yeeeeeeeeeeah!" Big splash. "Say it! Say it!" Smooth stands over him -
big butt drop. Choking him now... "Say it! Say I quit! Say I quit! Say!
Say I quit! I quit!" Johnson, in his infinite wisdom, calls the match
then and there. (4:30) Smooth tosses Smiley over the top rope and chases
him away as we take a break. Hey, ya know titles don't change hands on
Thunder.
Advance Auto Parts presents "This Week in WCW Motorsports!" Blaise
Alexander's crew chief and Wally Dallenbach talk about...something or
other. Vampiro will make a special appearance at Bristol on Friday, where
he'll job to Bill Elliot's crutch.
As the iWatch logo looks on, Elix Skipper tells his cel phone that Rection
is bought and paid for, and Awesome doesn't stand a chance tonight. He
walks away from Awesome's dressing room door...hmmm...could this be
*subtlety* sneaking into this angle? Naah
Meanwhile, Mrs. Jones announces Gene Okerlund to the Cat. Okerlund says
he'd love to see that "Disco leaves WCW" match. Cat says, once again, that
he can't do it. Okerlund tells Cat he can be very persuasive - and
produces "a year's supply of Viagra" - geez, maybe a bottle that small is a
year's supply to YOU, old timer. Okerlund produces a wad of fake cash -
Cat tells him to buy a hairpiece.
TYGRYSS joins our commentary team - TONY SCHIAVONE, MIKE TENAY & STEVIE
RAY. Tony decides that it's been about a half hour, maybe NOW he'll
mention Tenay's interview with Midajah. "Tony, I don't know what you're
talking about - she has her place in sports entertainment. And it's pretty
obvious, her place is on the arm of Big Poppa Pump - eye candy!" Tygress
does her Rosie Perez bit and shows off her breasts. The Animals match
isn't until the NEXT segment, though...but she can still hang with them
through this next match...
PAISLEY v. MAJOR GUNNS - by an ASTOUNDING coincidence, it just HAPPENS to
be the women's match. Paisley comes out to the Artist's music...since HE
won't be needing it anymore, wink wink. Artist ended his WCW career on
Worldwide - ain't that a bitch? Lita and Stephanie "wrestled" in the
highest-rated segment on Monday. I'm guessing this one doesn't QUITE reach
those heights. Ray actually busts out "yak" and ends up supporting Tenay's
anti-woman commentary, which has reared its head yet again. Finish sees
Tygress hop up on the apron, throw a (ha) right hand to Gunns, causing her
to stumble backward into a schoolboy for the pin. (1:40) Them Nitro Grrls
gotta stick together, you know. Tygress and Storm hug - and walk off arm
in arm. I wonder what Cat thinks of this outside interference...
Promotional consideration paid for by Targon (and Torgo), Corn Nuts,
America (ah!) Online, and Motel 6 7/8
Cat says once again that Disco isn't going anywhere...the camera zooms out
to see the rest of the Filthy Animals...and the iWatch logo.
Outside the Cat's office, Jimmy Hart asks for some good news - and doesn't
get any. Turns out he's at the head of a long line. This might be funny
if we had ANY idea what the heck was behind it. Instead, it's another in a
long line of masturbatory in-jokes that nobody appreciates but the writer.
In other words, THIS IDEA WAS THE PRETZELS!!
Meanwhile, Skipper tells Storm they both bit. All he'll have to do is sit
back and watch them destroy each other...then pick up the pieces. Storm
says "Just like the Average White Band?" (No, he doesn't really)
"ABOVE AVERAGE" MIKE SANDERS (with Let Us Take You Back to Last Week's
Thunder) v. DISQO INFERNO (with Carlos, de Joosy One & Raymond Stereo - but
he sends them back) - Of course, it'd be something if Inferno rendered this
whole process moot by actually WINNING. Disco actually hits the
Chartbuster, but the rest of the GREENHORNS appear, beat down the three
Filthy Animals watching from the top of the ramp...and drag them off.
Disco covers - 1, 2, foot on the rope. DDT by Inferno gets 2 - foot on the
rope. Disco stomps away. Sanders holds the top rope off the next DDT
attempt, then hits his neckbreaker/backbreaker combo for the pin. (4:05)
Post-match...NOTHING happens! We go to a break, instead.
Close captioning for the hearing impaired sponsored by Meineke - except the
misspellings, which are sponsored by Mynykee
PAMELA PAULSHOCK stands with Chuck Palumbo, who doesn't get to say too much
before Kevin Nash interrupts his interview to berate him and his
"greenhorns" (!) for not getting the job done with Booker T.
LANCE STORM (with the iWatch logo & Let Us Take You Back to Nitro) v. GEN.
RECTION v. AWESOME MULLET for the Canadian Heavyweight Championship - "If I
can be serious for a minute...I may have misjudged you. Last week, I
watched some of the political campaigning going on in this country - and I
realised that America has some lofty and noble goals. Al Gore spoke of
safety in schools, getting guns off the street, and universal health care -
things we already have in Canada. That's when I realised that your goal -
the true American dream, if you will - is to become Canadian. Avoid the
political downfalls in your country - renounce your US citizenship now, and
join Canada." Ever the free speech advocates, our commentators immediately
call for Storm's mic to be cut. "We could use an eleventh province - let's
take the first step together - all rise for the playing of your NEW
national anthem." Tony wastes no time talking over the anthem, so
righteous is he in his indignation - anthem gets about (:15) before the MIA
music fades in (like it always does) and Rection comes out. Awesome
hits the ring and goes right for Rection. Storm eggs them on as they shove
- then they both pop HIM with a right - and high five each other. OH HELL
YEAH CANADA SUX Awesome whips Storm into one corner, Rection whips him
into the other. Awesome whips him into one corner, Rection whips him into
the other. Clothesline sandwich. Awesome scoop...and a slam. Stomp.
Rection holds the legs as Awesome goes up - frog splash! Now Awesome holds
the legs for Rection's Savage elbow. Each man stomps on him. Awesome with
a double underhook into a front slam. Each man stands over Storm and lays
some verbal smack down. Hey, maybe they WERE watching monitors the whole
time, huh? Into the ropes, up and down with a sitout powerbomb by Awesome.
"Get up!" "Come on, Storm - come on!" Some more stomping. Double Irish
whip into the opposite corner - Storm puts up a boot to stop Awesome's whip
of Rection into him - and an elbow up to meet Awesome. Storm with a
gutshot for each man. Grabbing two arms - not budging - they double whip
him into the opposite corner, instead - where referee "Blind" Charles
Robinson was standing. Was. He goes down in a heap. Double flapjack on
Storm. Oh, look, here's ELIX SKIPPER - couldn't have seen THAT coming,
huh? He's putting on his "Grey Cup" ring...in the ring, Storm eats an
Awesome right as Rection holds him back. Awesome to the ropes, Storm's
trick knee acts up to break the hold, then he ducks and Awesome's momentum
carries him to the ropes, where Skipper is holding a low bridge. Swing and
a miss for Rection - Rection grabs him and brings him in, but before he can
hit the death suplex, Skipper pops him with the ring fist. Storm puts on
the Canadian Maple Leaf and Robinson recovers, checking the arm - no
movement. Awesome JUST kicks free of Skipper's grip about once second too
late. Storm retains. (3:16 - OH HELL YEAH CANADA SUX) They really built
up this three minute screwjob, didn't they? What do you suppose the Cat
thinks about all this outside interference, anyway?
Our commentators hype the upcoming main event. Stevie Ray says he won't be
able to stay out and watch his brother wrestle - everybody gets down on him
when he gets involved and he knows he can't stay out WITHOUT getting
involved. So he takes off. That main event is NEXT!
KEVIN NASH (with the iWatch logo and Let Us Take You Back to Nitro) and
"THE MAIN EVENT" CHUCK PALUMBO (with Let Us Take You Back to Nitro) v.
VINCE RUSSO'S GOOD FRIEND BIG VITO and BOOKA T. - JEDOUBLEF
JADOUBLEREDOUBLET comes out between teams and takes third headset...just in
case we were wondering where he was, or if he'd possibly feel like busting
up a gee-tar tonight. Vito drops the stickball stick and dares Nash to go
for it - then starts wailing on him when he tries to bend over to pick it
up. He's one and they're two - AMAZINGLY, the two take over and start
stomping. T runs out to even it up. T beats up Nash - who goes outside -
then T beats up Palumbo - who goes outside. Nash looks ready to leave.
Confab on the outside between the men with the long hair. Looks like we'll
finally get down to one-on-one action here - Palumbo is coming in to meet
Booker T. Hey, sing with me, kids: "One of these things is not like the
other / one of these things does not belong / Tell me which of these things
is not like the other / now before I finish my song." Lockup, side
headlock by T, chain wrestling to a hammerlock and a side headlock on the
left side. Palumbo powers out - they meet in the centre and nobody moves.
Off the ropes, T drops down, flying jalapeno, arm wringer, HIGH back kick,
tag to Vito, holding him for the body work. Right to the chin by Vito.
Into the ropes, Japanese armdrag. Off the ropes with a legdrop. Shot for
Nash as well. Shot for Palumbo, shot for Nash, shot for Palumbo, Nash says
"hell with THIS" and pops him one. Then he brushes his hair back. Palumbo
with a field goal kick. Into the ropes, powerslam. Leg is hooked - 1, 2,
kickout. Right hand by Palumbo. Tag to Nash. Knee, knee, knee, knee.
Right, brush hair back, tag. Tough night for Nash, eh? Palumbo with a
right, into the ropes, clothesline. Palumbo takes a bow and hooks a
leg - T breaks it up. Pound, pound. Front face. Vito brings out the spot
where he picks him up, gets two steps closer to the corner, but his
opponent holds onto the facelock - most recently seen by DDP. I bet just
as he gets to the corner, Nash distracts referee "Blind" Mark Johnson and
he misses the tag - hey, I owe myself a cookie. Vito manages an atomic
drop and both men are out of it. Tony: "I wanna tell ya, to see Big Vito
and to see Chuck Palumbo in our feature bout this week on Thunder says a
lot about the direction of WCW..." I don't think that means what he THINKS
it means. Hot tag to Booker T! Right for Palumbo, right for Nash, elbow,
elbow, right for Palumbo, clothesline for Nash, elbow for Palumbo, spin
kick takes him to the outside. T goes to Nash - right, right, into the
ropes is reversed, duck, gutshot, off the ropes with an axe kick.
Breakdancing back up - Harlem sidekick! T to the top, kicking way Plaumbo,
missile dropkick on Nash! On the outside, Vito is over to fight with
Palumbo. T going for the Book End, but Nash elbows him. Shoving him into
the ropes, Nash with a chokeslam as he comes back. Nash setting him up for
the Truckstop Drop - but Vito is in with a Mafia kick right as Booker T
assumes the position! Palumbo on top - flying shouldertackle connects,
taking out T...and Johnson...and Vito. Jesus, has EVERY match had a ref
bump in it? Palumbo with another clothesline on T...and a cover - slowly
over - 1, 2, kickout! Right, into the ropes is reversed, spinebuster by T.
Nash clips him as he poses to the crowd. Nash and T outside - Vito with a
top-rope splash. Cover, leg is hooked - 1, 2, JOHNNY ACE! Jarrett leaves
the table to punch away on Booker T. In the ring, Palumbo hits the Jungle
Kick. Four more GREEN HORN THRILLERS are in to stomp away. Johnson
finally calls for the bell (relaxed DQ Boeing 7:27) as, outside the ring,
we see Nash take the edge of a STEEL chair to Booker's knee brace. Nash
with a Pillmanizer on Booker's knee. The Natural Born Thrillers theme (a
ripoff of the Prodigy's "Firestarter," by the way) plays as Jarrett
continues to work on Booker's knee - credits are up - and we're out.
Christopher Robin Zimmerman
www.CRZ.net