by Christopher Robin Zimmerman
WrestleLine/WrestleManiacs
QUICK QUOTE: 1 1/2 (- 2) - owch - so much for that reverse stock split plan
WOW logo
No setup, we go straight to DAVID McLANE talking to SELINA MAJORS in the
ring. "And it wasn't about winnin' or losin' a match, it wasn't the fact
that they robbed me of the title in the battle royal - it was the fact that
they tried to end my wrestling career." (cut?) "But have you ever thought
about just hanging it up and quitting?" "That's one thing I'll never do.
I'm not gonna quit. I'm gonna come back and buddy when I do come back,
Thug and your gang, you better watch out, because I'm gonna be your worst
nightmare." Well here comes HARLEY'S ANGELS, all three with pool cues - we
now see that Majors still has quite a wrap on her right leg and is on
crutches. "Thug and your gang, you're not supposed to be out here. EZ
Rider, you stay down on that floor. Thug, you're not supposed to be in
here. Charlie Davidson, you've done enough damage." Rider: "We want
Selina, the Real Deal, who ain't nothin'!" "You've done enough damage to
Selina--" Rider keeps talking but the sound isn't there... TERRI GOLD,
BECKIE THE FARMER'S DAUGHTER and BRONCO BILLIE all hit the ring, but this
was apparently so embarrassing looking that they decide to cut off what
happens next and roll straight into the
Opening Credits
TONIGHT: Slam Dunk! Jungle Grrrl! Jade! Jane Blond! And Roxy Powers!
Without a better chance to slip it in, let me say here that this is Women
of Wrestling Episode 5, coming to you via extreme tape delay from the Great
Western Forum in Inglewood, CA and airing in most markets the weekend of 4
November 2K (taped 7.10?)
JUNGLE GRRRL v. JADE - As near as I can tell, this ring announcer still
doesn't have a name...but he *is* polite enough to let them have their
entire entrance (including waiting for the music to end) before speaking.
The only problem is, with no commentary, this is a BIG dead space.
"Introducing first, from the Amazon rain forest, Jungle Grrrl!" Jade is an
Oriental martial artist, I guess. WOW there's some boomy bass in the audio
mix on tonight's show. "Her opponent: the Asian Spitfire, Jade!" Grrrl
rakes the face to start. Scoop...and a slam. Into the ropes, Jade ducks
the clothesline...but not the back elbow. Cover gets 1. Grrrl puts her in
the ropes, kick, kick, kick, McLane calls them "boots to the midsection"
BUT SHE'S BAREFOOT, whip into the opposite corner is reversed, Jade climbs
to the second rope - monkey flips her back to the centre! I don't even
think that was one from referee "Blind" Jesse Hernandez. Into the ropes by
Grrrl, dropkick, dropped headbutt off the ropes (McLane: "I haven't seen
anything like that since Harley Race!"), into the ropes again, up...but
Jade hits a flying headscissors out - yikes, Grrrl landing on her head in
the process. Jade tries a splash, but hits the knees. Here comes the WOW
CATAPULT! Grrrl picks her up - whip into the corner, but she springs off
the second rope with a crossbody - Grrrl immeditaely kicks out. "I don't
think so!" Got Jade by the hair - here comes a vertical suplex. Jade has
quite the wedgie...oh sorry. Grrrl going up top - this is a top-rope
splash...and that is a pin. (2:53) Replay of Jade's flying headscissors,
Grrrl's ugly suplex (Jade couldn't keep her legs together), and Grrrl's
splash.
Visit wowe.com to get an update about WOW!
Using ECW style static, we cut fade to a pair of hands putting some green
stuff in a bottle of...something else? McLane wants to know why a
cameraman was in the ladies' restroom - why do you THINK?
Slam Dunk is lacing up! She's NEXT!
SLAM DUNK v. TANJA THE WARRIOR WOMAN - I've finally placed Slam Dunk's
music - wasn't it on one of those Taebo tapes? Dunk bounces her basketball
to a fan - that was nice of her, but aren't those things *expensive?*
"Introducing first, the six-foot-three basketball POWER forward, Slam
Dunk!" I have a funny feeling that the location of Tanja's entrance video
and the location of Jungle Grrrl's may be shockingly close in proximity if
we were to ever find out - of course, there's no trees in Tanja's, so it
must be higher up... "And her opponent: Tanja, Warrior Woman!" Dunk
doesn't want to wait - there's a big boot to keep her from coming in. Dunk
out on the floor - and rolling her in. Into the ropes, another big boot -
delayed reaction by Tanja before falling back. "I am Slam Dunk!" Thanks,
I wasn't sure! There's a legdrop. Into the corner, punch in the gut,
punch, into the opposite corner is reversed...but Tanja again runs into a
big boot. Dunk's offense appears limited. Arrogant cover - 1, 2, Tanja
kicks out. Side headlock, Dunk is stamping to let you know she's really
grinding it in there, yeah, Tanja manages a leg sweep. But when she picks
her up, Dunk again manages a side headlock. Powered out into the ropes,
Dunk ducks a clothesline, but not a spin kick - Tanja gets 2. In the
corner, kick by Tanja, kick, kick - kicking her thigh - ah, to counter the
deadly big boot! Into the opposite corner, reversal - Dunk stands on the
neck - then stamps the mat to make it seem worse. Referee "Blind" Jesse
Hernandez warns her but she doesn't seem to be listening. Back to standing
on the neck - another 4 count from Hernandez. She just BUMPED him! And
that wasn't easy! Hiptoss (yikes) out of the corner - NO elevation. Dunk
plays to the crowd while McLane says that she, Ice Cold and Lana Star were
on KJLH in Los Angeles this morning - anybody catch that? Again Dunk backs
up the referee. Tanja put across her back - helicopter spin (2 revs) and
slammed. Off the ropes, big splash - 1, 2, 3. (3:26) As if that wasn't
enough, she has the mic. "McLane! McLane...you penny-pinchin' empty suit.
You need to get me another WOW girl 'cause Slam Dunk is just now warmin'
up. Now, what do I have to do to get through to you? I know. Maybe I
should dribble him around for an hour or two! There's only four words you
- and all of you - need to remember about me. I am...I slam! All right?
Bring me the best you got, because I will beat them, because this time, the
ball is in MY court - I'm out."
Here's a look at Thug and EZ Rider - is Thug giving her pool cue a hand
job? Yow! Rider: "Get ready, 'cause we're gonna beat Bronco Billie silly,
and we're gonna put the Farmer's Daughter in hot water, and we're gonna
make Terri Gold fold!" Oh, Charlie Davidson is, like, sitting in a sofa
just out of the picture. "Hahaha! That sounds like fun!" Then she makes
the sign of the goat and licks it - this team is SCARY! Thug: "I like the
sound of that, too - and after the match toinght, I'm gonna put three more
notches on mah pool stick."
ROXY POWERS v. JANE BLOND - Roxy Powers looks like Freddie from "A
Different World," except more blond and more muscular. "Introducing first,
the total athlete, Roxy Powers!" Her video shows her jumping rope with a
chain - *you* explain it to *me* - and her music reminds me of the
Steiner's theme in the WWF (or Alex Porteau's, if you prefer). "Her
opponent: from Her Majesty's Secret Service, Jane Blond!" Lockup, leg
sweep by Powers, grabs a leg and cranks back on it - with mat stamping for
effect - Blond kicks her away. Now to the side headlock (with stamps) by
Blond, hiplock takeover for ...no, Powers rolls it for a near fall, Blond
rolls back. Powers is a closer personal friend of Sinbad, by the way.
Powers rolls it again, but Blong gets back up - STILL holding that side
headlock, stamping a bit more...Powers reverses to a chickenwing - and SHE
stamps. Blond reverses to a hammerlock (and stamps) - Powers with a side
headlock takeover to break it. Powers to a headlock - Blond slips out and
goes to a hammerlock - Powers manages to grab her into ANOTHER headlock
takeover, Blond with a head scissors, Powers kicks out. All these
submission holds are making me dizzy! Blond runs into the drop toehold -
oops. Roxy crosses Blond's legs and pulls back - Blond goes for a rope but
Powers pulls her back...but Blond kicks her away! Powers runs into an
armbar takedown - Blond holds it until Powers grabs the rope. Blond puts
Powers into the ropes - nobody home on the dropkick attempt! Powers has
the legs - rolls over - 1, no, Blond bridges out - dueling backslides - who
will get it? Blond getes it! 1, no, Powers rolls backwards. Powers has
her in a small package - Blond reverses at 2 - Powers reverses back at 2 -
and gets 3! (3:22) Well, that was a lot different from what we've seen
these first four weeks. Powers offers the Hand of Friendship - Blond slaps
it rather angrily and storms off in a huff.
COMING UP NEXT: Riot vs. Lotus!
RIOT v. LOTUS (go figure!) - "Introducing first, the Heavy Metal Maniac--"
"I am the unbeatable - the unbreakable Riot and I don't need an
introduction, and let me just tell you right now that I am just getting
started! So stick around for the slaughter - McLane, McLane - bring me
another victim. Because nothing can stop the Riot!" Lotus is like Jade,
except she wears yellow - well, that's oversimplification, but the entrance
videos are shockingly similar - which could have something to do with the
fact that both Lotus and Jade are members of the Asian Invasion. "Her
opponent: the Exotic Asian Flower Lotus!" Lotus decides to try a sneaky
rollup - and gets 2! NOW we get the opening bell. Riot grabs the hair -
head between the legs - but Lotus drops down and goes under her - second
rope - axe handle in the back! Leg is hooked - kickout at 1. Got her by
the hair again - Riot has her head between her legs - Lotus slips through
(didn't I just SEE this?) and heads for the second rope - Riot punches her
this time, though, scoops her off and holds her on her shoulder for a while
- allowing us to view Lotus' wedgie - is she *spanking* her? ...and a
slam. After an eternity, Riot hits the WOW CATAPULT! Lotus gets dragged
around by her hair...here comes a combination hiptoss/hair beal. Lotus
wants time out? Good luck. Riot's clothesline misses...but Riot manages
to bounce her off the ropes anyway - 1, 2, SHE PULLS HER UP! Riot used to
be a dominatrix, right? Again she has her by the hair...head between the
legs a *third* time...and this time, Lotus isn't getting away - it's a
powerbomb. 1, 2, 3. (3:01) Riot takes her bat - and misses once again.
Referee "Blind" Josh Milton manages to confiscate the bat...and hands it to
McLane. Here comes JADE - through the legs, off the ropes, dropkick has
absolutely NO effect. Riot grabs *her* hair - looks like Jade is going to
get a powerbomb as well - but not before we get another look at Jade's
wedgie - POWERBOMB! Riot folds her up and whispers sweet nothings in her
ear. NOT ANOTHER POWERBOMB! McLane screams like a woman here. I think
Riot wants her bat back - and she SPITS on McLane! WHOA! Replays of the
powerbombs.
With some ECW static, we head to the bathroom - "Mirror, mirror on the wall
/ I'm the cutest of them all / You can travel near and far / But no one's
cuter than Lana Star!" Graphic says: "Join Lana for her Shower Next on
WOW!" Ummm...ALLLLLL RIGHT!
Oh, man, what a GYP. About fifteen camera angles, but nothing but
fixtures, hands, head and feet. (I guess to the guys who are into foot
fetishes, this is heaven, but unfortunately, I'm not one of them.) Lana
sings: "Twinkle, twinkle Lana Star / A babe is what you are / Your
auditions are so good / You'll take over Hollywood / They better remember
Lana's name / 'cause she's headed straight for fame." Geez, there isn't
even a good METER to that. Anyway, she goes for the bottle we'd earlier
seen filled...actually, it looks more like someone's directly pouring green
stuff onto the floor, but we're to believe that she's shampooing up.
McLane, meanwhile, wants to know why we're watching THIS instead of
something that *doesn't* feature nekkid chicks and therefore would get
lower ratings...well, maybe he's not thinking THAT way, but from the way
he's talking, *I* am...
"This is JULIE DAY here. I'm here waiting for one of the most
controversial Women of Wrestling, Danger." "Danger's house...Danger's
rules, Julie Day." "Umm, last time we saw you, you put a ref through a
table." "And he deserved it. That's just a small sample of what I can do.
I'm the weapons master - firearms, bullwhip, broadsword, you name it, I do
it, and I do it well." "But weapons aren't at all permitted in WOW, so
don't you find yourself a little bit lost because of that?" "Lost is what
my opponents are. When you oppose Danger you pay the price - my skill and
bare hands are all I need. I sent more people to the emergency room then
hospitals are giving me a finder's fee!" "Isn't that a rather cruel
attitude to take?" "Cruel attitude? You're oppposing Danger, and you're
gonna pay the price! The only thing I see is a target on your back, Julie
Day. There's one formin' right now." "Haha - Let's get back to the
action..." "Good. I love a moving target..."
P-A-T-T-I P-A-T-T-I PATTI PEP PATTI PEP v. DISCIPLINARIAN - "Introducing
first, the high-flying cheerleader and one half of Team Spirit, it's Patti
Pep!" It could be just me, but seeing THOMAS GRIFFIN make the
announcement, the complete lack of a crowd along the sides of the entrance
ramp along with a DRASTIC change in lighting makes me think that maybe,
just MAYBE, this match is from an entirely different (earlier) taping.
"Her opponent, from the Board of Education, the Disciplinarian!" Lockup,
big ol' leg sweep by Disciplinarian (but unfortunately they switch camera
angles before we can hit the ol' upskirt view) and it looks like she's
going for a toehold..as well as stamping on the mat to make sure we
understand that this is a painful hold. Still, it doesn't stop Pep from
kicking her away, superfluous backflip up as Disciplinarian kips up...then
does a backflip of her own just to be mocking about it. And now she's
TAKING HER HAIR DOWN! Lockup, side headlock by Disciplinarian, being sure
to stamp the mat...Pep powers out, only to eat a shoulderblock.
Disciplinarian mocks Patti Pep (ha!). Lockup, side headlock again, powered
out again, Disciplinarian up and over, leapfrog by Pep, monkey flip by Pep!
Dropkick! Unnecessary cartwheel press gets 2. Arm wringer by Pep, stamp,
stamp, stamp, Disciplinarian cartwheels into an arm wringer of her own, SHE
stamps, SHE says "yeah!" just like Patti, into the ropes, head down, Patti
stops, does a r-e-a-l-l-y slow 180 and goes back to back over
Disciplinarian - waistlock forward to the ropes - Disciplinarian bumps her
back but she rolls through - ducks a clothesline, cartwheel, leg
sweep...but Disciplinarian kicks her away. Here it comes - THE WOW
CATAPULT!! I think she's going for a second one - and hits a SECOND WOW
CATAPULT!! Dragging her to the centre, scolding her, big splash - 1, 2,
kickout. Shoved into the corner, more scolding, hiplock (sorta) out.
ANOTHER big splash - 1, 2, Pep kicks out. Into the ropes, reversed,
hiplock blocked, blocked again, Disciplinarian rolls her around with a
backslide - 1, 2, 3! (3:13) Disciplinarian grabs her yardstick and breaks
it over her back! And now she steals her pom poms! Oh, no, she's just
throwing them down onto Pep. Golly, it's just like life - I guess the
teacher will ALWAYS win over the cheerleader.
The ECW static sends us to Lana Star, towel on head and addressing her
reflection in the mirror. "I knew it, I'm even cuter! And now to brush my
great hair.." She removes the towel - but oh no! Her hair is GREEN! Lana
screams...and we pull back from her dressing room to the Forum (check out
the 75-foot banners of the WOW girls on the exterior) to the LA skyline, to
a view of the planet from orbit, to a view of the ENTIRE earth - oh MAN, is
this CHEEE-ZEE.
Find yourself in the Los Angeles area? Call Ticketmaster at the Forum at
213 480 3232 and ask when your next chance is to catch WOW!
HARLEY'S ANGELS v. TERRI GOLD & BECKIE THE FARMER'S DAUGHTER & BRONCO
BILLIE - Back to our our present taping for our main event - "This is a six
ladies tag team grudge match - introducing first, the biker gang Harley's
Angels - Charlie Davidson, EZ Rider--" "I'm EZ Rider, that's right, gimme
that microphone! What's up, McLane? You're not gonna be able to protect
these little girls - we're gonna break their legs like we did Se-leee-na!
Ah ha! Harley's Angels is in the house! Tell 'em, Thug!" "Everybody,
you'd rather kiss a rattlesnake than to mess with Harley's Angels." "Tell
'em Charlie!" "And if you do decide to mess with the Harley's Angels,
we're gonna make roadkill outta you!" "Yeah! And that goes for you too,
McLane, 'cause you ain't nothin'!" Unfortunately, she doesn't get to
continue, since their opponents sneak out to the ring and dropkick all
three of them to the outside. Ring the bell! Oh my Billie's pants are
just a WEE bit too small. Beckie stays in...and it looks like she'll take
on Rider. Lockup, hairpull by Rider, into the ropes, duck, crossbody by
Beckie gets 2. Dropkick for Davidson when she comes in - another dropkick
for Rider - Thug brought in the hard way - SHE goes into the ropes,
reversal by Thug, Beckie brought up - but she dropkicks her on the way
down! Thug rolls out and the Angels decide to take pause and strategize -
Beckie outside on the apron - WHOA! Crossbody on all three of the Angels!!
Beckie RULES! Beckie back in the ring and daring them to come back in -
tags out to Billie while she's at it. It's Davidson in - lockup, hairpull
to the corner, punch, punch, punch, whip into the opposite corner,
axehandle MISSES - Billie with the headlock - and a big bulldog! Charlie's
neck forgot to go down with her - ouch. 1, 2, Davidson kicks out. Billie
stays on her - whip is reversed, Billie ducks under - crucifix - but
Davidson drops down - oof, maybe she was supposed to be in a pinning
predicament there but that's impossible - she actually leans backward to
try to get her shoulders down, then they just give up at 1. Davidson
scoops her up...and slams her down. Blatant hair pull - and a tag to Thug.
Scoop...tied to the Tree of Woe - Billie and Terri are unfortunately
monopolising the time of referee "Blind" Josh Milton - so it should come as
no surprise that there's a tripleteam in the corner. As Billie is dumped
back into the centre, it's been three minutes so that MUST mean it's time
for an ad break!
When we come back, Bronco Billie is up on Thug's shoulders - and dropped
into a gutbuster over EZ Rider's knee. Big ol' hairpull - pounding the
back (McLane: Bronco Billie takin' it in the back!") - again - gutshot -
but Billie ducks the next one and crawls through her legs, then rolls into
a tag of Terri Gold! Rider into the ropes, back elbow, monkey flip for
Davidson, Thug brought in the hard way (she must think she's Beckie) and
all six women are in - triple whip into the centre, and LEE MARSHALL calls
it: "TRAIN WRECK!" The Angels (save Thug) roll out - Rider pulls out
Billie while Davidson grabs Beckie. Thug, meanwhile, hits a huge chokeslam
on Gold - and the big splash off the ropes! But Milton is outside trying
to restore order *there* - and doesn't notice SELINA MAJORS is out - crutch
across the back of Thug!! Gold to the ropes - holy crap, that quebrada
missed by A MILE - friendly camera angles try to hide the fact...as does
Thug, who acts unconscious while Milton hops back in to count a 1, 2, 3.
(4:01 + 1:35) Replays point out Terri's perfect arc off the ropes - and
evade the question of a landing by cutting back to see Rider and Davidson
putting the boots to Majors at ringside. Thug has her crutch - RIGHT in
the gut! And now she's ready to go for the leg...OW!
Promotional consideration paid for by Invention Submission Corporation,
Tootsie candies, and Invention Submission Corporation (again)
To the vault, where McLane is brandishing a handful of .... marbles? "I've
been playing with these since I've been a kid...and they said I lost these
years ago! Haha - oh - somebody's callin'...hello, David McLane! Hillary!
No, Bill's not here. What? You wanna join WOW? What's your background?
Politics? That's even too dirty for Caged Heat to get involved in!
Hahahahahahahaha - hello? Hello? Hillary! Hillary! Hello? Hello?
Hello?"
I think McLane had a hidden message: don't forget to vote Libertarian on
Tuesday!
Christopher Robin Zimmerman
www.CRZ.net