by Christopher Robin Zimmerman
E-COMMERCE: Now, *I'm* not a tape trader, but if you don't get WOW in your
area and can part with fifteen bucks, or if you just want to relive some
CLASSIC moments now and again and forever, I think I can probably find you
a hookup for those first six episodes on one tape, and then you can catch
up along with the rest of us. You know my email address? All right then.
(Please don't tell McLane.)
SPECIAL THANKS: To the Cubs Fan aka N. Khan for stepping in while I was on
vacation - your reports were FANTABULOUS to the point of allowing me to
completely flake out on doing reports of my own. I hope that the rumours
of you being unappreciated over on the Big R are completely untrue - you're
a credit to the recapping force, and we'd hate to lose you. Let me know if
you ever want to tackle WOW again...
And if YOU didn't appreciate him while he was here, may I suggest the fine
Worldwide reports over at DDTdigest.com? Then, send him an email telling
him that reading his reports is time well spent!
QUICK QUOTE: WOWI.OB 1.5625 (- 0.0375) - an earnings announcement was
posted over the weekend. Click over to http://biz.yahoo.com/bw/001119/in_wow_ent.html
for the gory details. This thing's STILL doing next to nil volume though
- it's just a glorified penny stock. Hell, if I hadn't lost about half my
paper holdings in the past few weeks, I'd have bought a couple hundred
shares, just to see what kind of mailing list I end up on...
MORE QUICK QUOTES: For the two weeks I missed - last week 1.60, previous
week 1.50. Unfortunately for WOW, it was at *3.50* the week before that.
Looks like the reverse stock split didn't help at all...that and THIS
MARKET SUCKS WITHOUT A PRESIDENT
QUICK QUOTE: WOWI.OB 1.60 (+ 0.10)
Back to California and back to the weekly grind...
WOW logo - ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh WOW!
"LAST WEEK ON WOW, a crime was solved." Yeah, no thanks to YOU, McLane.
Lana Star's green dye investigation led to...Poison. By the way, I have to
take issue with that extreme pullback on Star's howl from two weeks
back...because *in space, no one can HEAR you scream.* Also, the fact that
that editor has the shower scene cued up in his deck should come as NO
surprise at all - editors get about as much action as, say, TV show
recappers. "And another crime was committed..." the mysterious wrestler
in black clocked Terri Gold and absconded with the title belt!! AND THAT
CAMERAMAN DID NOTHING TO STOP IT!!!
"Fans, today you'll be seeing, direct from the Wild West, Bronco Billie!
And the six foot three Slam Dunk! From the Board of Education, the
Disciplinarian... Hammerin' Heather Steele... and in the main event, Thug
takes on Beckie the Farmer's Daughter!"
In some bar somewhere, Thug calls out to us: "C'mere, cameraman. You know
I've been standing here thinking about Beckie the Farmer's Daughter and how
many times you've stuck your nose in my business. Well if you ask me it's
been one time too many. Beckie, this is for you: when I get you in that
ring, I'm gonna stomp a mudhole in you, and I'm gonna walk it dry, now get
outta my face."
WOW Opening Credits - ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhh WOW!
"Welcome to WOW - Women of Wrestling!" DAVID McLANE cues Kane's pyro and
we're off and away - this is Women of Wrestling #7 airing in most markets
the weekend of 18.11.2K (taped 4.11 and maybe other dates) from the Great
Western Forum in Inglewood, CA - and let's hope that if they split up the
footage, they can at least not show us different stage setups over there -
I notice some WOW banners up near the roof - nice touch. Whoops, he's
still talking! "As you saw, fans, a terrible tragedy has taken place in
WOW - Terri Gold's world championship title has been stolen! As you can
see here fans, she was mugged." (We see it on the WOWvision screen up
above the entryway.) "Right there, you see it, Terri Gold left in the
bushes - we have no idea who did this cowardly act, attacking Terri Gold
from behind, running away into the parking lot, and leaving Terri Gold
lying right there in the bushes without the prized possession of the world
championship title." At this point, LANA STAR's music and video - and then
Star herself - interrupt the proceedings - GOOD GOD ALMIGHTY SHE'S LET THEM
FREE - SHE'S LET THEM FREE - this woman NEEDS a bra - can we get this woman
a bra, PLEASE? "Lana Star... what are you doing here, Lana Star? You're
not scheduled to wrestle on today's event." "What am *I* doing here?
What are YOU doing here? WOW's over, I've already told you, it's the Lana
Star show, I'm the star AND executive producer...you're not needed!" "How
can you be talking such nonsense when we had a crime committed?" "I can
sympathize with your crime - I was *also* the victim of a terrible crime.
A few weeks ago, someone dyed my hair green." "How can you be talking
about your hair being dyed green, Lana, when the world championship belt
was stolen?" "Well, for one, my hair is much more precious and expensive
than that cheap hunk of tin you try and pass off as a championship belt..."
"How dare you!" "Along with my brilliant mind and looks, I've been able to
crack the case. I've found out who the culprit was!" "You know who stole
the world championship belt? Everybody wants to know, right? Tell us,
Lana!" "No, no, no, you cheapskate, here...take this quarter and buy Terri
Gold the same belt. I found out who dyed my hair green and it was Poison!"
"Poison?" "Poison tampered with my shampoo! You think you're so tough,
Poison, with your big scary music? 'member, I was the one that got you
where you are, and I bet you don't have the GUTS to come out here right now
and face--" POISON *does* come out, though. "How dare you try to ruin my
hair and dye it green." "You're lucky I just messed up your hair, Lana -
you oughta wait and see what I do to the rest of you!" "I'm not SCARED of
you - oh, you come stormin' out here like you're so cool! You know what,
nobody messes with my hair and gets away with it! I challenge you to a
match in this ring right here next week to settle it once and FOR ALL!"
"Be careful what you ask for, Lana - once I put you in the Poison
Paralyzer, you won't be a star...you'll SEE stars! Mmm - poison tastes
sweet...like victory!" Did she just lick her fingers? "After next week,
you'll never be on the Lana Star show again, you'll be cancelled for good."
Poison slaps her ass. "You know what, Lana? Kiss it!" "Woooo! Ladies
and gentlemen, I think the match has been made! Poison has accepted Lana
Star's challenge, and you're gonna see it - Lana Star against Poison!"
"Why are you still here, David? GOD!" Man, SCREW *this* week's show - I
wanna see NEXT week's show!!!!! Golly, she may actually BE wearing a
bra...God help her.
JULIE DAY stands backstage with CAGED HEAT (UNLEASHED), who stand behind a
cyclone fence where, presumably, they're locked up. "I'm here with two of
WOW's more notorious wrestlers - Caged Heat." "What's my name?"
"Uhh...Delta Lotta Pain..." "..and Loca...haha!" "Uh, you two are suspects
in the theft of the WOW championship belt." "Why? We look like criminals?
Hahaha!" "Well, you are locked in a cage." "Yeah yeah yeah, but that's
all circumstantial evidence - you ain't got nothing on us." "Well then
you'd be able to account for your whereabouts whenever the belt was
stolen." "Uhh, we was at home behind bars." Both: "Chillin'." "Yeah,
how's that for an alibi?" "That's a pretty good one." "Yeah, you better
believe it - 'cause the next time Caged Heat is Unleashed, it might be on
you..." "Let's go back to something safer..."
COMING UP NEXT: Summer vs. Slam Dunk!
And now for our weekly Benny Hill commercial
SLAM DUNK v. SUMMER - "Ladies and gentlemen, introducing the six foot three
power forward, it's Slaaaaaam Dunk." This week, we've got the black ring
announcer - apparently, he and the white ring announcer switch off every
other week or something to confuse me. Dunk takes the mic. "McLane - hold
hold hold hold up. McLane. Can't you get anything right? When I said I
wanted to wrestle the weak Bleach - oh, my bad - Beach Patrol...I meant I
wanted to wrestle them both at the same time... I wanted to prove to you
that I can be in the tag team tournament on my own. Slam Dunk doesn't need
a tag team partner. As a matter of fact, I don't need you, you fisheyed
fool!" "Her opponent, one half of the Beach Patrol, from sunny California,
she's Summer!" As previously established, Summer was "Sunny" back in week
one, before somebody realised they couldn't trademark it 'cause the WWF
already did. LEE MARSHALL has joined McLane on commentary, yup. And,
helpfully, the WOW logo is competing with the KBWB-20 logo in the lower
right corner. Yikes, there's quite the booty shot there of Summer getting
into the ring. Not exactly family friendly! Dunk runs at Summer, but
falls into a drop toe hold. Running dropkick by Summer. Into the ropes,
reversed, but Summer's crossbody gets 2. Dunk put into the corner, but she
gets a boot up and Summer bounces to the mat. Shoved into the corner -
Summer almost misses, how hard can THAT be? - now with a boot on the neck
and using the other boot to STAMP FOR EFFECT (a WOW trademark!). Flying
mare. Into the ropes, big bouncy boot. Off the ropes with a legdrop - 1,
2, no. Dunk bumps referee "Blind" Josh Milton (I think), and remains
distracted long enough to fall to a schoolboy....for 2. Summer with a
surfboard, but Dunk overpowers her and reverses - two boots by Summer to
break it up. Running dropkick (with favourable camera angle!). Into the
ropes, reversed, to the eyes, to the choke, chokeslam - sorta...she didn't
really get off the ground, so it was a bad sell. Up on the shoulders - and
here's a helicopter spin and drop. Putting her in the middle of the
ring...jawing to the fans...and the big splash. That's it - 1, 2, 3.
(2:55) Let's see her logo again! Another bump for the ref - oh, she wants
the mic again. Maybe THIS time she'll say "I AM I SLAM" - "Hold
up...please. I know we're not surprised. I am a superior athlete. Known
as the Big Stick of Dynamite. Nobody has moves like me - they call me the
female Shaquille O'Neal - wait wait wait, he's the male Slam Dunk. Who's
got next? Who's got next? Because, little Summer just FOULED OUT. Oh, I
know. Muhammad Ali has a daughter name Leila who thinks she's a fighter.
Get in the ring with me! Float like a butterfly, sting like a bee - get in
the ring with Slam Dunk and you will never again see! Because I am - I
slam! I'm out..." WOO HOO! SHE SAID IT! McLane intimates that he'll
book her with Sandy NEXT week. Hmm, I wonder who'd win THAT? Commentators
talk about Ali...as if it'd happen.
wowe.com has information!
Day is with THUG "upstairs." "I have to question you as a suspect in the
theft of the WOW championship belt." "Lookit me - do I look like I have to
steal anything? If I wanted that belt, I'd have pinned Terri Gold's puny
little carcass to the mat for the 1, 2, 3, and if you know what's good for
you, you'd get out of my face NOW." "I think the search for the culprit
COMING UP NEXT: Bronco Billie vs. Jungle Grrrl!
Want to see this action in person? Call TicketMaster at 213 480 3232 and
ask them about WOW at the Great Western Forum! All your favourites will be
there! Oh my!
JUNGLE GRRRL v. BRONCO BILLIE - "Ladies and gentlemen...from the Amazon
rain forest, it's Jungle Grrrrrrrrrrl. Her opponent...from the wild, Wild,
WILD West, it's Bronco Billie!" Billie carries a lasso and gets two snaps
up - or is that a lasso hand motion? Oh ho ho, referee "Blind" Jesse
Hernandez wants to frisk her - wink wink! - but all this accomplishes is a
turn of Billie's head away from her opponent, allowing her to fall prey to
a perched double sledge to open things up. Into the ropes, duck, back
elbow finds the mark. Into the corner, whipped into the ropes, back body
drop. Off the ropes with the Bigelow-esque headbutt - Billie kicks out at
1 - ooh, she's getting FIREY! Snapmare by Grrrl, kicked back by Billie.
YES! THE WOW CATAPULT! Billie wants another - Grrrl holds the ropes on
either side of the corner - Billie pulls her out by the legs and she lands
hard. And there's *another* WOW catapult. Into the corner is reversed,
but she sidesteps it and Grrrl lands hard. Winding up for the bulldog -
oof. Cover, 1, nope. Grrrl rakes the face. Into the ropes, Billie with a
crucifix (!), deep in the crotch 1. Into the corner by Grrrl, kick, kick,
kick, into the opposite corner is reversed, monkey flip out, not even a 1.
Grrrl's got "flat hair" tonight. Big delayed bodyslam. Big breasts on
Billie. Climbing up to the top, Grrrl hits the Jungle Splash - 1, 2, 3.
STILL TO COME! THE REAL DEAL RETURNS - Didn't we see Selina Majors two
weeks ago? Oh, I get it...that's not what they meant by "RETURNS"
"Fans, it's my honour to introduce to you the lady that you've been waiting
for over seven weeks to return to WOW...none other than the Real Deal,
SELINA MAJORS!" I guess he means between tapings, 'cause it's only been
six weeks on the show. She's still got the left knee taped up - hey! Pyro
for Majors! Well, two sparkle showers, anyway. She's still *mulletastic!*
"Welcome back, Selina! Selina it's been over seven weeks - the fans have
received your emails on wowe.com - they're glad to have you back in action
- are you ready to go?" "David, I'm ready to go, you know I sat at home
for a long time and I had a lot to think about...but I'm back, and there's
only one thing on my mind. I want a match with Thug, and Thug, when I get
you in the ring, I'm gonna do one thing, baby, I'm gonna kick your ass."
"Selina, I don't know if - what's this?" HARLEY'S ANGELS come out to music
and video at the top of the ramp. "Thug, you don't belong out here right
now - I'm interviewing the four-time world champion of the world!" Yes, he
*did* just say "world champion of the world." "Hey! I wanna know just who
you think you are out here challenging me. As far as I'm concerned, you're
a washed up has-been. I've already beat you. Show it on the WOWvision,
just how I took her down!" "You've got no right, Thug - no right to be
here, and I dare you to be showing this on WOWvision." Let Us Take You
Back to several shots with several various objects. "You know what? Hey -
I don't have anything to prove to anybody, but Selina Majors, if you want
me, you got to go through my gang buds, and I doubt very seriously you can
do that. And if I ever do get you back in the ring, I'm gonna break not
one o' your legs, I'm gonna break BOTH of 'em." McLane: "No, Selina, not
now!" "Hey, hey Selina! Bring your daddy from Georgia so he can watch,
that old crippled up man. Because when I break your legs, I'm gonna snatch
his old face in the mud and I'm gonna break his damn leg up too!" That's
enough for Majors - she shoves aside McLane (dig the comic oversell) and
runs up the ramp to take on all three of them - Thesz press on Thug! Five
rights before Rider and Davidson pull her off - but Majors connects with
the double noggin knocker! Another Thesz press and piston-like rights for
Thug - McLane screams up a storm and he AND the ring announcer make calls
for security. They get FOUR REFS instead. They have problems separating
the four. Even McLane joins the fray. "Selina, you're gonna get your
match you want - Thug wants you to go through her gang...the fans want it!
You can wrestle EZ Rider!" "David, I'll wrestle EZ Rider, but I'm gonna
get Thug, and Thug, when I do, I'm gonna kick that fat ass of yours!"
Crowd is ready to faint from all this overstimulated language. "You got
it, fans, the match you demanded is coming! EZ Rider versus Selina...and
then, she wants Thug!"
Starting next week, the tag team tournament to crowd new WOW World tag team
champions! Who's in it, you ask? Well, Farrah and Paradise teaming
up...Lotus and Jade comprise the Asian Invasion...Caged Heat will be
unleashed...Bronco Billie and Beckie are going to team up...Harley's
Angels...and the Beach Patrol! The finals take place at the WOW
pay-per-view....I leave it to YOU to figure out how they can make a six
team tournament last until February (round robin maybe? That'd be awfully
Japan of them, wouldn't it?)
To the locker room we go, where Patti Pep is talking to her partner on the
phone. "Okay Randi - you take care, and feel better! Buh-bye." Enter
Lana Storm. "Patti Pep! I need your help." "Lana, why would I help you,
especially after what you did to Randi Rah Rah, and then accusing me of
dying your hair green?" "I've already explained about the mirror, and I
know you're not the one that dyed my hair green. Now will you help me?"
"Why don't you get your personal assistant to help you?" "I told you last
time, I don't have a personal assistant anymore, and Poison's the one that
dyed my hair green - now I have to wrestle her next week! That's why I
need your help." "How could I possibly help you with that?" "You could
wrestle her for me!" "I've already wrestled Poison, and beat her, thanks
to your interference." "See? You owe me one!" "I am NOT falling for
that, Lana." "Remember when I offered you help with your career? Well
that offer's still on the table. Can you imagine hanging with DiCaprio?
Lunching at Spago with Spielberg? Taking in a Lakers game with Nicholson?
A smart girl would take me up on that offer." "Well, I guess I'm not your
kind of smart. Now get lost!" Star stamps angrily, pouts, and walks off...
COMING UP NEXT: The Disciplinarian vs. Hammerin' Heather Steele!
DISCIPLINARIAN v. HAMMERIN' HEATHER STEELE - "Introducing, from the Board
of Education, ladies and gentlemen IT'S the Disciplinarian! Her
opponent--" "You know, McLane, I was a little insulted when I learned that
you put me up against Hammerin' Heather Steele - what's she gonna do, come
out here with her tool belt on? Ooooooooooh! But you know, I got to
thinking - it might be kind of fun to hammer her face into the mat! So
I'll let you slide this one time. But if you EVER disrespect me like this
again, I'm going to teach you a lesson you'll NEVER forget! Let the
hammering begin!" McLane makes an appropriate "deer in the headlights"
face. "Her opponent...from Sweet Home, Oregon, she's the talented tool
girl, Hammerin' Heather Steele!" I don't remember Steele having this
reggaefied theme music last time...oh well. Lockup, armdrag by Steele,
drop toehold as Disciplinarian runs in - to the deathlock with the STAMP
FOR EFFECT. Dragging her to the middle of the ring...toe hold - but
Disciplinarian kicks her away, nips up (yow!) and applies a side headlock
with STAMP FOR EFFECT, into a headlock takeover, Steele rolls it for 1, but
Disciplinarian rolls it back. One more stamp, Steele powers out, shoulder
by Disciplinarian (whose name is MUCH too long for me to type), off the
ropes, up and over, drop toehold by Steele and again to the deathlock with
a hammerlock as well. Now everybody's up - Steele to the arm wringer - and
one more wring - Disciplinarian cartwheels out and turns it around - STAMP
FOR EFFECT - to the hammerlock. Steele with a snapmare takeover, holding
the hair (cheating!) to pull her up - into the ropes, reversal, duck, back
elbow by Disciplinarian. Pulling up Steele by the hair - scoop - bodyslam.
Big splash gets 1. Blatant hairpull, shove into the corner, scary looking
semi-hiptoss. Weird dropkick. Here comes the WOW CATAPULT!
Disciplinarian in control - head to the turnbuckle...and again. Referee
"Blind" Jesse Hernandez warning her about grabbing the hair, but not
getting much attention. Into the opposite corner, but nobody's home on the
followthrough - schoolboy gets 1 for Steele. Into the ropes, reversed,
leapfrog by Steele, but Disciplinarian hooks the arms and executes a
backslide - 1, 2, 3! (2:54) Then she breaks the board of education - oh,
the ruler - over Steele's back. McLane: "This is what they need in school
today - this'd set these teenagers right!" Wow, sounds like an angry
senior citizen - "ehh them lousy teenagers with their backwards baseball
caps and their hip hop...ehhhhhhh turn up the heat in here!"
Visit wowe.com ... IF YOU DARE
Day now stands with RIOT. "Riot, you are a suspect in the theft of the WOW
championship belt." "Why? You don't have anything on ME." "Well, we did
see you smash up a car with that bat...then blow it up." "That's
vandalism, MY speciality. And nobody does it like the Riot, but I
vandalise - I don't steal." "Well, someone DID jump Terri Gold from
behind, then steal the belt out of her bag." "I don't backjump either - if
I were gonna do anything it would be right in your face. If I had attacked
Terri Gold, her *and* her car would be sent straight to the junkyard. How
would you like a demonstration, little girl?" "Uhh, I still have more work
to do on this case--" and she drops the mic and runs away. Riot chases,
then whacks a door with her bat for effect.
COMING UP NEXT: Beckie the Farmer's Daughter vs. Thug!
"Beyond the Mat" video & T-shirt ad - does Vince know about this?
WOW at the Forum ad #2
THUG (with Harley's Angels) v. BECKIE THE FARMER'S DAUGHTER
"Llllladies and gentlemen, entering the ring...escorted by her gang, EZ
Rider and Charlie Davidson, it's the leader of Harley's Angels...Thug."
"Beckie the Farmer's Daughter, you've gotta kiss a rattlesnake to wrestle
me, baby." "Her opponent, from Hog Holler, it's Beckie! The farrrrmer's
daughter!" When McLane says "the hoedown is in the house," you have to
think maybe he means something else... GOOD GOD that entrance video is
SOOOOO DE FROMAGE. Thug's a running bull to start, but Beckie nimbly
sidesteps the charge and she hits the buckle. Whip into the opposite
corner, reversal, Beckie stairsteps up the ropes and flies off with a
crossbody for 2! Dropkick and Thug rolls outside to flip the bird to the
crowd. Bit of a stall. Beckie tries to meet her as she climbs up to the
apron, but Thug is there with the knee, then the hot shot. Back in - into
the ropes, clothesline sends Beckie into a flip. Short clothesline by
Thug. The next short clothesline is ducked - full nelson atomic drop by
Beckie! Into a body scissors. McLane TOTALLY mistimes his call on the
Farmer's Roll - 1, 2, nope. Thug bumps her - there's a bodyslam. Off the
ropes with a legdrop. Another legdrop. And a THIRD legdrop from Thug - 1,
2, nope. Thrown through the ropes to the floor - will the Angels
interfere? Well, they probably did, but we cut to the crowd...and possibly
edited up this match. When we look back, Beckie is up on the apron, but
Thug buries a knee in the abdomen. Running her to the corner for a head to
the turnbuckle, but it's blocked! Shot to the gut by Beckie, head to the
buckle by HER - climbing on the third rope - big splash gets 2 but we're
ALREADY headed to the ad break!
When we come back, Thug is outside consulting with her compatriots and
Beckie is tired of waiting - running tope onto the pile! Back into the
ring and the Angels can do nothing but complain about things. Beckie
riling up the crowd - Thug showing us her (alleged) bicep. She tells
referee "Blind" Josh Milton to hold her back or else she's not coming back
in - but Beckie is over as she tries to part the ropes...brought in the
hard way! Into the opposite corner, but Thug puts up a big elbow. There's
a side Russian legsweep. ahhhhhhhhTHECHOKESLAAAAAM. On the second rope
and thumb is crossing throat - but the big clothesline is caught by the man
in the zebra shirt instead! Beckie with a schoolboy, but no ref! Didn't
look like three anyway... With nobody watching, Thug goes to the eyes -
full nelson - calling over Davidson, but the pool cue is errant, finding
*Thug!* Beckie to the top - big splash - 1, 2, 3! Beckie gets the upset!
(2:31 + 2:17) But the celebration is short lived - scoop slam by Thug, and
Davidson and Rider hold her for a big Thug splash. See ya, ref.
Tripleteam continues until SELINA MAJORS runs out and chairs
everybody...we're outta time!
Promotional consideration paid for by Invention Submission Corporation,
Tootsie candies, and Invension Submission Corporation (again)
To the vault we go, where David McLane apparently keeps his used teabags...
"There's still a few good cups left in this! Who could this be...hello,
David McLane! Kathie Lee, how are ya? No, Frank's not here. What? You
wanna join WOW, Women of Wrestling? Why? You wanna be MY co-host? It
wouldn't work! There's a major problem! Yes, I know you have no problem
talking on TV - that's the problem! It's only a one hour show!
Hahahahahahahahahaha - Kathie Lee? Hello, hello? Hello?"
Yikes - what's up with the sub-three minute must system there?
Christopher Robin Zimmerman