by Christopher Robin Zimmerman
WrestleLine/WrestleManiacs
QUICK QUOTE: WOWI.OB 15/16 (- 1/8) - they announced a new CEO, but it
wasn't Ric Flair or Linda McMahon, so who cares...
WOW logo - ohhhhhhhh WOW!
"LAST WEEK ON WOW, Selina Majors went to call her dad after recapping that
great hardcore match with Thug ... but Thug attacked her with a beer
bottle! Harley's Angels grabbed the fallen Selina Majors, and pounded on
her...beating her like a dog! Thug, exacting revenge for the 1-2-3 that
Selina took in their match. Then they dragged her to the vacant holding
cell of Caged Heat, locking her in...opening her up with a chair...rubbing
her against the STEEL wire. It was a brutal beating, a three on one
assault...Caged Heat arrived on the scene, and while the guard fumbled with
the keys, Delta Lotta Pain and Loca went over the top! They armed the
convicts with chairs..." and we move to the bit we haven't yes seen. I'll
let the voice of DAVID McLANE take over here: "What's THIS? They've hit
Harley's Angels and now they've popped Thug! What's going on? They're
throwing Harley's Angles out of the cage - they're pounding on Thug - I
thought they were friends! What's going on? Oh no! They want Selina all
for themselves! They're gonna pound on Selina! They're gonna beat the
fallen star! Or are they SAVING her? What is this?" Is that supposed to
be blood on Majors' head 'cause it sure looks like lipstick...
TODAY: Harley's Angels have their tag team tournament matchup! Jungle
Grrrl and Paradise in action! And after Terri Gold defends her title, Thug
takes on Selina Majors in a lumberjack (lumberjill?) match!
David McLane stands in the middle of the ring, ready to cue the Kane pyro.
"Welcome to WOW - Women of Wrestling!" This is Women of Wrestling #15,
airing in most markets the weekend of 13.1.1 (but taped 17.11.2K and
15.12.2K) coming to you from the Church of WOW, the Great Western Forum in
Inglewood, CA! "Introducing, from the beautiful island of Tonga....it's
Paradisssssssssse!"
PARADISE v. JUNGLE GRRRL - Ring announcer THOMAS GRIFFIN handles the other
intro: "Her opponent, from the Amazon Rain
Forest...it's...Junglllle....Grrrrrrrrrrrrl." Paradise catches her
off-guard with a WOW dropkick and it's on. Into the ropes, reversal,
clothesline ducked, back elbow not. Grrrl brings her up, into the ropes,
back body drop. Into the ropes, going for a....I have no idea, but
Paradise ends up in the piledriver position, but rolls forward with a head
scissors for 1 count. Grrrl to the face. Scoop...and a slam. Grrrl going
up top - will she hit that famous splash? No, too early - there's the
swandive headbutt instead. 1, 2, Paradise kicks out. Put in the corner,
kick, kick, into the opposite corner, but Paradise springs off the second
rope with a crossbody for zero. Grrrl with a gutshot, placing her on top,
shot to the midsection, another right, on the second rope and going for the
superplex - and HITTING it! Climbing to the top one more time...it's the
Jungle Splash. Good night. 1, 2, 3. (Los Angeles 2:13) Replay of the
superplex and splash, and one more angle of that splash. "So, Beckie the
Farmer's Daughter...did you see THAT splash? 'Cause you're next - you're
next. Learn the laws of the jungle." It's Jungle Goldbrrrg! Fans throw
trash at her, which makes this the older taping - they cut back on that
problem later. "You'd Better Be Here When We Come Back!"
What's that? You say your weiner isn't working? This is the ad for YOU, boyo!
Here's a Special Video Look at the WOW tag team tournament. "It began with
twelve teams!" And in case you're wondering who they were, here's a series
of clips: Asian Invasion, Caged Heat, Poison & Ice Cold, Farah & Paradise,
Tanja & Roxy Powers, Patti Pizzazz & Lana Star, Danger & Riot, Beckie the
Farmer's Daughter & Bronco Billie, the Daughters of Darkness, the Beach
Patrol, Harley's Angels, and Caliente & Boom Boom. I'M still trying to
figure out how you get twelve teams whittled down without announcing a bye
or two, anyway...back to the strange voiceover guy: "Each pair hoping to
advance to the next level - each pair focused on the prize - the tag team
title! Some matches had questionable endings...and some had SURPRISING
results! All the matches were hard fought...the competitors couldn't wait
for the second round to begin. Other tag teams are anxiously awaiting
their first round matches - the tournament will continue until there are
only TWO tag teams left. They will meet to decide WOW's first tag team
champions on the pay-per-view event, WOW Unleashed on iNDEMAND February
4th! And if that's not enough to break you out of the winter doldrums, WOW
Unleashed TURNS up the heat with our first ever swimsuit competition - the
entrants include Bronco Billie, Patti Pizzazz, Lotus, Jade, Ice Cold,
Paradise, Roxy Powers, Hammerin' Heather Steele, Sandy, Summer, and the
fabulous Lana Star. It's WOW like you've never seen it before! WOW
Unleashed - the pay-per-view action is on iNDEMAND February 4th - DON'T
MISS IT!"
Backstage, JULIE DAY stands with Ice Cold. "Ice Cold, you're one of our
more secretive competitors here in WOW. Not a lot is known about you."
"And that's by my choice - I *like* leaving people out in the cold."
"Well, do you think you can give us a little bit about your background?"
"Yeah, I was left out in the cold once...abandoned by my family when I was
young. That's when I learned to fend for myself. It's a cold, cruel world
out there, and you better embrace the cold if you wanna survive. I have."
"That's quite a compelling story." "Oh, does it send shivers down your
spine? Can you FEEL the chill?" "You know it IS getting a little bit cold
in here..." "*Ice* Cold? That's just the tip of the iceberg - wait'll I
freeze the WOW Championship - and EVERYONE'll be left out in the
cold...including you, Julie Day!" "Let's get back to something a little
warmer..."
Log on to wowe.com - NOW! NOW! WOW! NOW!
Here's the tag team tournament graphic - it still doesn't really explain
how we'll get from six winners to two... Strange voiceover guy: "The first
round of the WOW tag team tournament is about to be completed. All the
teams are hungry for the gold, but only two will make it Unleashed on
iNDEMAND...February 4th!"
Oh, you'd like to see that graphic? Well, here's a text representation:
Caged Heat
Asian Invasion Caged Heat
Danger/Riot Billie/Beckie
Billie/Beckie
Beach Patrol
Mystery/Misery Beach Patrol
Boom/Caliente
Harley's Angels
Pizzazz/Star
Tanja/Powers Pizzazz/Star
Pizzazz/Star
Cold/Poison Cold/Poison
Farah/Paradise
HARLEY'S ANGELS (with Thug) v. BOOM BOOM THE VOLCANO and CALIENTE - "This
match - a continuation of the WOW tag team tournament! Being led into the
ring by the leader...of Harley's Angels, Thug bringing in...EZ Rider and
Charlie Davidson!" "Harley's Angles is in this house! YEAH! Who's got a
problem with that? Well why don't you bring out those girls 'cause we're
gonna run everybody down in this tournament. Ain't that right, Charlie?"
"That's right, EZ, we're gonna turn everybody into roadkill! BRING IT ON!"
"And I got something else to say to those silly Caged Heat girls....Caged
Heat is gonna be dead meat!" "Their opponents...from the island of Maui,
it's Boom Boom. And her tag team partner, the hot - the fiery Latina,
Caaaaaaaaaaaaliente!" McLane declares it a salsa party. Caliente and Boom
Boom are teaming because Caliente's FIRST partner, Dynamite, apparently
really pissed off somebody and never made it to a broadcast. The Angels
try to mambo in the ring with amusing results. Caliente looks RIGHT AT ME
as she makes her way ringside ("You mean you *actually* looked in the
direction of her EYES?") Hey, leave me alone. She's STILL shimmying - I'm
not sure that girl can actually walk since she's STILL in a mambo, even in
the ring. Referee "Blind" Josh Milton is busy trying to get Thug on the
outside, and with Charlie and EZ intently interested in this they seem to
have turned their backs to their opponents! Wisely, a surprise WOW double
dropkick kicks things off. The Angels hit the floor, so they decide to
turn to Thug - another WOW double dropkick and *she's* out! Boom Boom goes
outside while Caliente waits for an opponent...and, after tiring of
waiting, she grabs EZ Rider off the apron and brings her in the hard way.
Into the ropes, double thrust puts her down...but only a 1 count. Rider
goes to the face to turn it around. Head to the turnbuckle, and again.
Tag to Davidson. McLane tells us that Caged Heat took sympathy on Majors
because she was "caged unjustly." Riiiiiiight. A gutshot from each Angel.
Into the ropes, sidewalk slam gets 2. Into the corner...taking too long
before coming in, and Caliente gets the boots up. Second rope...poised and
waiting...crossbody gets 2! Tag to Boom Boom - off the ropes with a
splash. Davidson put in the corner - that's not an avalanche, it's a
VOLCANO. For some reason, she let's Davidson tag in Rider...Rider runs
into a powerslam! Big headbutt. Another big headbutt! Rider put in the
corner...Boom Boom going for it, but nobody home. There's the broncobuster
from Rider! Rider grabs Boom Boom by the hair, pulling the flower out (her
grass skirt is shedding something fierce) - tag to Davidson, into the
ropes, double clothesline ducked, Boom Boom with a double clothesline! Tag
to Caliente - ummm, today, Caliente...into the corner, bringing Davidson
out with a monkey flip. Into the ropes, no reversal, double clothesline
and they're BOTH down! Simultaneous tags - Rider ducks the clothesline,
hooks the arm and locks in a full nelson - Rider struggling with it -
Caliente trying to help but only succeeding in drawing Milton's attention -
Thug with a BIG right hand to Boom Boom. McLane: "WHY DID YOU DO THAT
THUG" Rider setting up for the broncobuster again...but nobody home! Boom
Boom quickly up - setting her up for the "I'm Boom Boom" (well that's what
she SAID) but before she can drop the keister from the second rope, Thug
pulls Rider outside. Davidson in, Caliente in, Davidson to the eyes,
tossing her outside and grabbing Boom Boom. Scoop....and a slam. Rider
and Davidson holding her down for the THUGBOMB! Of course, Caliente is
trying to prevent all this, and Milton *can't take his eyes off her.*
Davidson covers - 1, 2, 3. Harley's Angels advance. (5:05) McLane
quickly over for a word. "You may have advanced in the tag team
tournament, Thug, but you sure as heck shouldn't've. Both of you lucked
out by interference by YOU, Thug!" "What interference, baby? You'd better
kiss a rattlesnake than mess with Harley's Angels, baby!" Davidson: "You
can't handle the truth, baby!" "Fans, the winners, by the help of Thug,
unfortunately, Charlie Davidson and EZ Rider!" Thug points to the
temporary tattoo on her bicep about fifteen more times. Next week, sayeth
McLane, Caged Heat takes on Bronco Billie and the Farmer's Daughter to
advance to the finals. In TWO weeks, Harley's Angels will take on the
Beach Patrol to get to the finals. No word on how Patti Pizzazz & Lana
Star fit into this picture...
"Over the past few weeks, Ice Cold has been waging a campaign of evil
against Terri Gold. With her partner Poison, Ice Cold has attacked the WOW
World Champion numerous times. And now, it's come to a head. Terri Gold
puts the world championship on the
line...against...Iccccccccccccccce.....Cold." ("Aren't you gonna say
'Terri Gold is WALKING!' or something?") Well, that voiceover guy and this
nagging cough are really taking me off my game this week... that graphic,
too! "Cold Gold Title Match?" I mean...WHOA.
Is your kid STUPID? This ad is for you!
ICE COLD v. TERRI GOLD for the WOW Championship - "Coming into the
ring...from the Deep Freeze...it's Iccccccccce Cold." Ice Cold has a
SISTER? What's HER name, Stone? (Hey, that's not bad...think Brian
Bosworth is still available?) "And introducing, the WOW World
Champion...Terri Gold!" Gold has some big-time (for WOW) pyro to go with
her entrance. McLane asks us to look at the kids - thanks, no. Lockup,
Cold runs her to the corner, to the eyes, right, right, right, right,
right, badmouth, head to the buckle, "Ice Cold, baby!" drops the elbow, bad
touch press gets 2. Into the ropes, back elbow. Apparently, this is a
"stomach claw," but I'll have to take their word for it - that'd probably
explain why referee "Blind" Josh Milton is putting on a five count instead
of for a pin. Gold shoves her off with a foot. Cold going for an
abdominal stretch - it isn't *easy* to STOMP THAT IN, but she finds a way.
Now using the top rope for leverage - Gold hiptosses out of it. Gold puts
her into the corner, but Cold gets up a back elbow to stop the charge.
Cold with a scoop...and a slam. Off the ropes but nobody's there for the
elbow. Gold puts her into the corner, superfluous front flip into a
clothesline, fireman's carry takeover, hooks the leg for 2. Into the
corner is reversed, but Gold hits her second rope springboard
crossbody...for 2. Gold to the side headlock, trying to STOMP IT IN but
Cold is working the midsection. To the corner, Gold backflips out,
schoolboy for zero as Cold rolls through. They look confused. Cold rakes
the face. "This is your champ!" Raking Gold's eyes across the second
rope, head to the turnbuckle, second rope double sledge to the back - press
- 2 for Ice Cold. Scoop...and a slam. Cold to the second rope - the TOP
rope - there's the elbow! 1, 2, SHE PULLS HER UP? D'oh. Scoop...and a
slam. She'll regret it, I tell ya. Cold up top one more time...but *this*
elbow misses! Gold with a scoop....and a slam. To the top rope...it's the
Perfect 10! 1, 2, 3! (3:57) "The winner...and still WOW World
Champion...Terri Gold!" Several angle replays of the moonsault (only one
showing the landing, heh heh). Ice Cold throws a tantrum while we learn
that WOW's first lumberjack match is NEXT!
Think Benny Hill is the king of comedy? This ad is for YOU!
THUG v. STONE COLD SELINA MULLET (with garbage can lid) in a lumberjack
match - "The leader of Harley's Angels...it's Thuuuuuuuuug. Ladies and
gentlemen, this is the main event. Her opponent, the Real Deal Selina
Majors!" Hey, who snuck the MULLET MANIA sign into the building? WHACK!
Into the ropes, drop toehold into the lid - WHACK, KICK WHAM STUNNER and
Thug's all "umm, it's a little EARLY" and tries to roll out - only, the
lumberjacks are waiting and roller her back in. Right by Majors, right,
right, into the ropes, buries a right, hairpull bulldog - Thug tries to
roll out AGAIN and fails thanks to the vigilant lumberjacks. Open-handed
slap - climbing to the second rope for a Ten Punch Count Along...but Thug
shoves her off after six. BIG headbutt. Short clothesline! Elbow to the
back of the head. Majors punches back - but Thug tosses her through the
ropes to Rider, Davidson and Ice Cold, who (tepidly) stomp at here. Ice
Cold with a forearm in the chest - and another open-handed slap. Majors
fires back and puts *Cold* down (apparently everybody else is content to
just watch all this) Majors back in the ring but Thug is ready - elbow to
the back of the head - in the corner, right, right, standing on the neck.
Into the ropes, back elbow. Majors puts up two boots to kick her
away...Thug rolls out and tries to leave, but Wendi Wheels grabs two
handfuls of mullet and pulls her back - Wheels with
"Iblockyourpunchyoudon'tblockmine," then throws her back in the ring - into
the ropes by Majors, big clothesline, hooks a leg...kicked out at 2! Thug
*finally* figures it out, and rolls out to HER side of the ring where she
can take a rest. Majors out after her - slap, slap, slap, umm DO SOMETHING
lumberjacks! Majors puts Thug back in the ring herself, and follows
without any problems. Head to the buckle. Head to an adjacent buckle -
but Thug has the trashcan lid - WHACK! Thug waits for her to get up, lid
in hand...measuring her - WHACK! Referee "Blind" Josh Milton is quickly
shoved into unconsciousness by Thug as she returns to the foot on the
throat. "Don't Go Away or Else!" is Chyron Guy's way of saying let's take
an ad break!
Big fan of Cleo? This ad is for YOU!
When we come back, Thug is poised and ready once again with the trash can
lid. WHACK! WHACK! Majors heroically giving us "dazed." Big choke from
Thug. Running lid...no, feet up by Majors, and THUG tastes the lid!
Majors is back up...running clothesline! 1, 2, no! Right hand over the
top! Majors thrown out to the Angels and Ice Cold - the boots are a bit
more lively this time. Put back in - Majors fires back - right, right,
forearm, slap, off the ropes, big clothesline but she doesn't move, right,
right, off the ropes and THIS clothesline puts BOTH of them over the top!
All the wrestlers gather round and....watch. Majors puts Thug onto the
commentary table, wiping out McLane, Griffin, LEE MARSHALL, the bell, the
timekeeper...yikes. Majors mounts Thug and fires away - at this point, it
becomes comedic watching Marshall & McLane desperately try to overdub
himself - it ain't happening, guys. And Majors and Thug are STILL fighting
- NO NOT THE WATER BOTTLE - Ice Cold manages to get between them - no, that
didn't last - Majors has a chair - WHACK! Majors covers out on the floor -
Milton figures "what the hell" and counts 2 - but that's it. Other
wrestlers (kinda) go at it (well, Bronco Billie and EZ Rider *almost*
approach blows) - somehow they're back in the ring - Majors off the top
with the trashcan lid - and a second WHACK! - 1, 2, KICKOUT! McLane says
some fan got whacked. Thug to the eyes. "Something's gotta be done to
contain these two wrestlers - the human cage isn't working!" Thug throws
Majors to the outside. Sheels staves off the Angels, allowing Majors to
catch a breath. Thug pulls her in...and Majors puts her through the ropes,
where the same lumberjacks are MORE than happy to get some licks in - the
Angels are over, and again they ALMOST tease a fight....but they manage to
cool it and put Thug back in. Majors blocks a right, open-handed slap,
gutshot, faceplant (or, if you're Lee Marshall, a "Stunner") - 1, 2, NO!!
Majors with another forearm shot. Into the ropes, is reversed, clothesline
ducked, KICK WHAM STUNNER - oops, between WHAM and STUNNER Thug managed to
replace her body with Josh Milton's, so *he's* out. Thug with a kick to
the midsection. Big bodyslam. Milton goes over the top in typical,
spectacular fashion, thanks to Thug. Thug calling in her gang - Beckie
wants in to even it up but Ice Cold pulls her to the floor. And now it's
ALL breaking down on the outside, while inside Rider and Davidson are
holding Majors for WIDE-open trashcan lid shots. Are Beckie and Jungle
Grrrl going to go at it? WHACK! in the ring! But what's this? CAGED HEAT
(UNLEASHED) hit the ring to their music and go right for the Angels!
Majors manages to grab the lid - to the midsection, WHACK, WHACK, outside
WHACK - crowd chanting for tables, Pain puts Rider's head to the table.
Loca and Davidson going up the aisle - Majors and Thug going into the
crowd! Majors grabs the Section "L" marker and puts it right to Thug's
back! THey're going through the audience again! This is just what was NOT
supposed to happen! Thug and Majors somehow in the UPPER deck - another
big shot for Josh Milton, and that must mean it's time for *another* ad
break!
We're back and we're backstage - there are apparently wrestlers EVERYWHERE
- well, looks like nearly everybody is backstage - all of the wrestlers
trying to provide a human wall between security (and the fans) and Selina
and Thug - there's the Lou Thesz press! Right, right, right - McLane says
there's only one way for these two to fight, and that's in a STEEL cage!
At the WOW pay-per-view, they'll be in the cage! February 4th - WOW
Unleashed - Selina Majors vs. Thug within the confines of a STEEL CAGE!
(No contest? 3:43 + 4:41 + 0:42)
AND Let's Take a Special Video Look. "The feud that spans the years and
the globe hit WOW like a tornado - Thug brutally injured Selina's leg in a
vicious assault! Fueled by hatred, Selina could not stay away from
Thug...and they assaulted her leg AGAIN! Selina returned to the ring and
she wanted Thug - the woman who tried to put her out of wrestling. Selina
had to go through Thug's gang first - EZ Rider...and then Charlie
Davidson...and after nine weeks of waiting, they took it all over the arena
- it was hardcore all the way! And Selina Majors took the 1-2-3 count!
Then Thug and her gang perpetrated a vicious assault. They locked Selina
in the cage, and beat her like a dog!"
"Fans, get ready for our pay-per-view event, WOW Unleashed, on iNDEMAND
Sunday, February 4th! Selina Majors and Thug take their feud to the final
stage as they meet inside the STEEL cage! You'll also see the finals of
the tag team tourament, the WOW World championship will be on the line, and
the Women of Wrestling strut their stuff in a one-of-a-kind swimsuit
competition! OH YEAH, you won't wanna miss that! It's WOW Unleashed! The
pay-per-view action is on iNDEMAND February 4th - don't miss it!"
Promotional consideration paid for by Invention Submission Corporation,
Tootsie candies, and Invention Submission Corporation (again)
"Fans, get ready for the biggest women's pay-per-view event in the history
of wrestling - it's WOW Unleashed! Selina Majors and Thug collide in a
steel cage match - the tag team tournament finals will crown WOW's
first-ever tag team champions, the world title will be on the line, and the
WOW girls show their *softer* side in a dazzling swimsuit competition! ALL
the action is on iNDEMAND, SUNDAY February 4th!"
Well, we have three shows before the pay-per-view...I have a feeling the
shilling is going to get even THICKER.
Christopher Robin Zimmerman
www.CRZ.net