by Christopher Robin Zimmerman
WrestleLine/WrestleManiacs
QUICK QUOTE: WOWI.OB 15/16 (- 5/16) - you have to wonder if having the
pay-per-view is gonna affect the stock price are not...so far, it's not.
The press releases went out last Tuesday...and *still* no volume. Given
that this stock is currently tranding in penny land, however, maybe this
shouldn't be seen as much of a surprise.
SPOILERS: I forgot to mention last week - not that it matters, as you'll
probably see this report and last week's roughly the same time - but Clint
Wolf was on hand for another part taping/part house show from the Church of
WOW - access it over at http://www.CRZ.net/wrestling/misc/010120.html.
SPEAKING OF THE PPV: I'll be there - so will my brother. Last I heard,
WrestleLine was trying to put together some work assignments for me while
I'm there - we'll see about that. Meanwhile, I'M just hoping that having
been off the antibiotics for 48 hours (by the time Sunday rolls around)
I'll stop having stomach cramps. There's a pretty sexist joke in here, but
this is the WOW report - besides, I'm not in the mood for it either.
This is Women of Wrestling #17, airing in most markets the weekend of
27.1.1 from the Church of WOW, the Great Western Forum in Inglewood, CA
(taped 15.12.2K, mostly)
WOW logo - oooooooh WOW
LAST WEEK ON WOW: We were ALL surprised when Danger took advantage of a
downed ref to put Terri Gold through a table...and steal away the WOW World
Championship! Also, Ice Cold broke Patti Pizzazz' arm...but still went
down to Lana Star's mirror. Star also get herself some of Cold's hair,
thanks to the scissors. Finally, one half of the tag team finals was set
when Caged Heat defeated Beckie & Billie with just a *little* help from
Jungle Grrrl...
We open *this* week's show with another trip to David McLane's office.
Cool, a WOW candle! Wait a minute...McLane reads WOW Magazine? Oh man,
he's a LOSER. Hmm, wait, I wonder if he ever visits WrestleLine, "the
official WOW Magazine online home." Har har har....anyway, here we go.
Cue the quick cuts and creepy closeups! "Come on in. Summer, Sandy,
what's happening? What can I do for the Beach Patrol today?" "Hi David!
We have something we have to ask you." "Yaa, it's about WAA Unleeshed."
"WOW Unleashed? The pay-per-view event on iNDEMAND on February 4th?
Aren't you getting ahead o' yourselves? I mean you still gotta beat
Harley's Angels before you go for the titles." "Wee no THOT, we're talking
about the swimsuit competishun!" "The swimsuit competition is something
that all of our WOW fans are gonna love." "Well, tell me what's your
idea?" "Well, we want the WOW swimsuit competition to be even bigger than
Miss America...and sexier than Sports Illustrated." "Well you're talkin'
my language, I'm all ears - tell me." "Wall we can hav the FANZ vote for
their favourite on tha Internet!" "On WOWE.COM? I love it!" "And you
know what, you're gonna love *this* even more! Tell him, Summer." "Ya,
cuz we've got Venus swimwear supplying all the suits." "Venus Swimwear's
gonna give us the suits - free?" "Free." "It's not gonna cost me a dime?"
"Nothing!" "I love it even more! The Beach Patrol, you made my day. Way
to go, Summer! I love it! Thanks, Sandy! Take it easy! I love that."
They go to leave. "See, I told you he'd gah far it." "I know, but I
didn't think he'd put up the prize money." "I know, hah." "Prize money?
Who said anything about prize money?" Can you *hear* Summer twirling her
hair?
And into the ring where DAVID McLANE is waiting! "Introducing first, the
lady that loves the red carpet treatment! The self-proclaimed executive
producer of this television show...the Fabulous One - the lady that loves
the limousines, the champagne, and the movie star treatment...she is the
beautiful, fabulous LANA STAR!" LEE MARSHALL wonders aloud if Star put up
McLane to "the longest introduction in professional wrestling." "Lana
Star, I notice you have something in your left hand." "I have a surprise
for everybody - it's a new present - it's not diamonds - it's not a mink -
it's Ice Cold's hair!" "And you're proud of this? Here, fans, is the
locks of Ice Cold that Lana Star cut--" "And it's GOT split ends. Eww.
Nasty. You're not that cool anymore with your new 'do, are ya? Ha!
Anyway, that should go to prove to anyone if you get in my way, you're in
for a close shave, that includes *you*.
THE FABULOUS LANA STAR v. ROXY POWERS - "Introducing her opponent, the
total
athlete...Roxyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy
yyyyyyyyyyy Powers!" Lockup, firewoman's carry takeover by Powers. Star
with the Facelift (bulldog). Going for the scissors *already*? Before she
gets to cutting, ICE COLD is out - a TRENCHCOATTED FIGURE hands her a big
mirror, which she proceeds to break over Star's head! Star goes down like
a sack of bricks. Commentators seem to think it's a fan - I guess they let
fans through *all the time* or something. Anyway, Cold says "turn around,
Poison!" which kinda confirms what *I* was thinking. The reason she needs
to turn around is that P-A-T-T-I P-A-T-T-I PATTI PIZZAZZ is bounding out to
attempt to help - Poison spews the venom to take *her* down. The hat and
caot are off - even the commentators know it's Poison now! And now Ice
Cold has the scissors...and SHE gets some good snips on Star! The rest of
the REFEREE CORPS comes out to save Star. Cold finds a cameraman to talk
to. "An eye for an eye, Lana Star! When you cut my hair, you went TOO
far! I wanna settle this once and for all - I want a match with you - WOW
Unleashed, where the loser has their head shaved *completely* bald. Can
you handle that, Lana Star? Let's do it!" Hit her music! Hey....where'd
Roxy go? (DQ? 0:42?) Cold brandishes the hair. "Ohhhh, poor Lana!
You're gonna be bald, baby! We go to a PPV graphic...and then to our EnerX
break.
JUNGLE GRRRL v. LOTUS - Here's ring announcer THOMAS GRIFFIN: "Ladies and
gentlemen, introducing, all the way from the Amazon Rain Forest, it's
Jungle Grrrl. Her opponent: the lovely exotic flower, it's Lotus." Call
me crazy, but I'm gonna go out on a limb and predict a win for the woman in
the leopard pattern. Grrrl catches her in mid-post with a top rope missile
dropkick. Hiplock takeover. "Get up!" Armdrag takeover. Scoop...and a
slam. Drops down - 1, 2, no. Wedgie wedgie wedgie - into the ropes, Lotus
drops down, tries a leg sweep, and when they doesn't work, goes for a
schoolboy instead...and gets 2. "Lotus and Jade are scrappers" is a kind
way of saying "Lotus and Jade will NEVER, EVER win." Lotus with a kick to
the gut, kick to the head, dropkick. Going for another dropkick, but
Jungle Grrrl swats it away. "I don't think so!" Into the ropes, full
rotation on the sidewalk slam. Cover...2. Vertical suplex. Ad break time
- chyron says "We're coming back AND TAKING NAMES!" Somehow...I doubt that.
When we come back, amazingly, we're practically at the same spot on the
tape. Up to the top...top rope flying headbutt! Looks like she's working
on the ribs - into the corner, kick, kick, into the opposite corner is
reversed, but Grrrl walks up the ropes with no hands and springs off with a
clothesline. 1, 2, Grrrl rolls off before finishing the attempt. Lotus
put into the ropes, kick in the gut, pumphandle...Meltdown! Lotus put up
on the top rope, right to the abdomen, again, climbing to the second rope -
SUPERPLEX!! Grrrl going up to the top - it's splash time...and it lands.
1, 2, 3. (1:44 + 1:38) Grrrl unkindly tosses Lotus over the top to the
floor...but BECKIE THE FARMER'S DAUGHTER is also out, and a dropkick puts
Grrrl out right after Lotus! She's got the mic. "Hey Jungle Grrrl. That
was just a little preview of what's to come. I told you, don't mess with
the Farmer's Daughter." Grrrl hits the ring...Jesse Hernandez stands
between them but can he alone keep them from coming to blows? Well, we
won't find out - we cut to
The Pink Pair are back in the locker room - Star has an ice pack to her
head. "Lana, are you gonna be okay?" "No, that twit and that fool have
gone too far this time." "It's a disgrace what they did to do - and
jealousy is such an unbecoming quality!" "NO ONE assaults and cuts Lana's
hair on her own show. Patti Pizzazz, this is war. We're accepting their
challenge to the head shaving match." "Should I sharpen your scissors?"
"No...this time we're playing for keeps." She turns on the electric
clippers. "Yeah!"
It's hypin' time! "Sunday, February 4th, four beautiful women enter the
WOW ring to battle for the most precious thing they own - their hair! Lana
Star, Ice Cold, Patti Pizzazz and Poison - four women, four beautiful heads
of hair - and the wrestler pinned loses hers completely. That's right,
completely bald! Featuring the most intriguing and beautiful women in
wrestling...Lana Star, Ice Cold, Patti Pizzazz and Poison. You've seen the
name calling, the conniving, the hair pulling, everyone is taking sides but
when the razor comes out it'll be every woman for herself! The wrestler
pinned gets her head shaved. Few things can excite a woman as much as the
idea she may lose her hair. This WILL get ugly. See it on WOW - Women of
Wrestling - Unleashed! Also featuring a cage match with Selina and Thug!
The rematch for the WOW World Champion as Danger faces Terri Gold! Tag
team championship finals: Caged Heat vs. Harley's Angels! And, WOW
unleashes the heat in the first annual WOW swimsuit competition, where you
pick the winner! Sunday, February 4th, 8PM Eastern, 5PM Pacific - Women of
Wrestling UNLEASHED!" Look carefully at that graphic and watch the "4"
next to "February" appear and disappear...while you ponder that, let's take
a moment to learn who Miss Cleo is. She's keepin' it real, yo
Hey HOLD ON A GOLDURNED MINUTE - Harley's Angels? HUH?
"Terri Gold, the first WOW Champion...declared by wrestling experts as the
most thrilling women's wrestler of all time, Terri Gold! Beating all
opponents that stepped up in remaining undefeated since becoming the
champion of WOW. While Terri Gold thrilled fans, two destructive forces -
Danger ... and Riot... destroyed opponents in their path..." "They're going
to die!" "YEAH!" "...to simultaneously become the #1 Contenders for the
most prestigious championship in women's professional wrestling. While
Terri Gold impressed the fans with her winning ways, Danger and Riot proved
how sadistic they are. Danger's actions, specifially THIS (Milton through
the table) prevented Danger from becoming the top contender." Danger puts
Jane Blond through a table after she saves McLane. "Danger's actions
cleared the way for Riot. (Let Us Take You Back to Last Week) The match
was set to begin...until THIS interruption. ... Riot's opportunity became
Danger's reality. Terri Gold fought a hard match...but THIS ... proved too
much for the champion. Now the champion, Terri Gold, finds herself the
challenger! Sunday, February 4th - WOW - Women of Wrestling Unleashed -
live on pay-per-view - don't miss Terri Gold's toughest battle to date.
It's ONLY on pay-per-view, Sunday February 4th - WOW Unleashed!"
It keeps going! "Over the last six months, Thug has wrecked havoc on
Selina Majors with physical violence...setting the stage for Selina Majors,
the Real Deal to face Thug. Their first match proved brutal...and ended
outside the ring, forcing a lumberjack match! The human cage couldn't
contain these two wrestlers. With lumberjacks and audience members
becoming involved, WOW promoters knew something had to be done. When Thug
attacked Selina and forced her inside a holding cell, it was clear - the
only way to contain the violence was by placing these two competitors
inside a steel cage!" Thug: "AH'M NOT A ANIMAL!!!!!" "Sunday, February
4th on pay-per-view, Selina vs. Thug in a cage match!" Nice graphic.
And now, a word from Benny Hill (who is still dead, as far as I know)
RIOT v. BLOND, JANE BLOND - "Llllllladies and gentlemen! Introducing the
Heavy Metal Muh-aniac - Rrrrrrrriot!" She's doing weird tongue stuff, she
is. She's stealing the mic, she is. "Riot" chant. "Jane Blond's mission
impossible is to take on the Riot. But she is about to self-destruct in
five seconds because I am gonna send her back to the Queen in a box.
NOBODY can beat the Riot!" "Her opponent, from Her Majesty's Secret
Service...it's Blond, Jane Blond." I think she just said "Yew are guying
dine, Rite." Riot checks her imaginary watch. Okay, here we go. Lockup,
side headlock by Riot, STOMPING IT IN, hiplock takeover. Let's listen to
McLane try to move the crowd. "Jane Blond is from Britain...and I don't
know if the American fans have taken to her. In fact, I somewhat doubt it.
But there's no doubt, people in this audience dislike Riot, but there's
others that have taken to her. They feel a bond, some people, with Riot."
Marshall: "You know, Riot is one of those people that, when she was a young
woman, when she was a teenager, a young girl, a bit of a loner, nobody
would have anything to do with her, and I - quite honestly David, I think
maybe at times she speaks on behalf of those that feel a bit
disenfranchised by society. You know it's not a perfect world for
everybody; it certainly wasn't for Riot growing up, but JEEPERS, GET OVER
IT ALREADY!" Wait...so, does that make her a heel or a face?
"Disenfranchised by society." Hummm. All right, so what was happening
that the commentators were ignoring? I'm glad you asked, let's watch it a
second time. Blong kicks out, kicks out, Riot still holding the headlock -
Blond counters to a top wristlock, STOMPS IT IN, side headlock, STOMPING IT
IN, to the corner, Blond flips over and dropkicks Riot! Riot comes back
with a legsweep. Side headlock by Riot, STOMPING IT IN, Blond powering
out, shoulderblock by Riot, off the ropes, another shoulderblock, off the
ropes, up and over, leapfrog by Riot, nice leapfrog by Blond, armbar
takedown and hanging onto it. Riot has to grab the ropes to break the
submission hold. Armdrag takeover by Blond when we're back in the centre -
STILL working the arm. Now STOMPING IN an arm wringer, but Riot puts her
in the corner...and beals her out. Dropkick by Riot. Scoop...and a slam.
Riot walks over her on the way to the corner - "Riot" chant - too much time
celebrating - Blond beals her back in the ring and covers for 2! Got the
hair..."Jane Blond is the bomm!" We'll be generous and call it a Falcon
Arrow. Going up top...but Riot stops her before hitting the top - right,
right, hairpull back into the ring! Elbowdrop to the....butt? Scissoring
an arm and applying the crossface - Blond grabs the rope for the break.
Riot pulls her to the center. Forward somersault press - 1, 2, Blond
bridges out, turning it around with a backslide for 2! Blond put into the
ropes, clothesline by Riot. Up on the shoulder...and on the top
turnbuckle. Right by Riot. Right. On the shoulders again...bodyslam.
McLane asks us all to notice Riot grabbing her back. "I believe that could
be an Achilles heel." Torture Rack!! Wiggling it in...Blond didn't give
up, so Riot tossed her over her back to the mat. "Powerbomb?" Going for
it, but Blond breaks it up - dropkick! "She's guying dine!" To the top
rope...but Riot is up and swatting away the missile dropkick. Head between
the legs again... McLane: "The fans yelling for the piledriver, but that
move is banned in WOW - it's illegal." Marshall: "You think that's gonna
stop Riot?" "Well, I hope, because we'd fire and throw her out."
POWERBOMB! "NOW SHE'S CHOKING HER!" Easy, McLane. 1, 2, 3. (6:29) Riot
tosses Blond over the top rope, does a little dance, and calls for the mic.
"I just have ... a few things .... to say ... to everybody here." Well,
we'll have to hear her breathe another week as WENDI WHEELS is out with a
garbage can lid - WHACK! And the Blowout! Wendi gets the mic. "You may
have started this, Riot, but I'm gonna be the one standing at the finish
line. I suggest you get yourself a little tuneup - 'cause February 4th,
we're goin' for a little ride. That's right - hardcore match, Unleased.
Rev...it....up." Replay of the garbage can lid shot (with sound) and
Blowout (with sound). McLane looks for a response from Riot (watch him
pull Riot by the tights into the shot!) "I will accept this challenge, and
I will not only beat her, but I will CRUSH her and any car that she tries
to fix ever again. Wendi Wheels, you're mine, baby! You're mine and I'm
comin' ta getcha!" "Fans, Sunday - iNDEMAND - order this pay-per-view
event - it's gonna be hardcore - Riot against Wendi Wheels!" Hey, *I'd*
like to get hardcore with Wendi - I mean, that'll be an interesting match.
Ahem. Chyron says "If you leave WE'RE COMING AFTER YOU!" I don't believe
that. I'd like to SEE them come after me, come to think of it. BRING IT
ON! I DOUBLE DAREYA!
If your child is stupid, let Alex Trebek sort 'em out
It's strange to go from the Phonics Game to the hot sex phone lines, isn't it?
"One athlete - wholesome, homespun and All-American. One athlete - primal,
tribal and untamed. Both wrestlers making their mark in WOW. Both
successful. Both agile. Each competitor believing their move is the best
and leading to an unavoidable confrontation. ... NEXT SUNDAY! Jungle Grrrl
vs. the Farmer's Daughter in the first-ever splash match on pay-per-view!"
Riot does damage to the locker room with her bat. "Where's Wendi Wheels?"
HARLEY'S ANGELS v. BEACH PATROL in a WOW tag team tourney semifinal -
"Entering the ring...it's Harleeeeeeeeeeey's Angels, led into the ring by
Thug, it's EZ Rider and Charlie Davidson!" "Get outta my way - this is our
house now! Harley's Angels is in the house! Wooooo! Yeah! What is this,
a joke, McLane? You got us wrestling some bimbos? Come on! Lemme ask you
something, Beach Patrol. You ready to go in the sand headfirst, huh?"
"That's right, we're gonna make roadkill outta YOU!" "Charlie, there's no
roadkill at the beach!" "Well, we're gonna turn them into ... crab...
infested... corpses layin' dead in the sand!" I sense that Rider is much
better on the mic than Davidson. Thug: "When Harley's Angels get through
with the Beach Patrol, all they will be is Beach Bums!" "From the beaches
of Sunny California, ladies and gentlemen, introducing Summer and Sandy,
the Beach Patrol!" I'm gonna go out on a limb and guess that the Angels
take this match. Summer's breasts are truly frightening - as is her vapid
face - as is her unplacable accent and wooden delivery. She'll probably
kill me now. Beach Patrol decide to surprise with a double dropkick in the
back. Thug and referee "Blind" Josh Milton are *still* discussing things -
Thug puts an exclamation point on her point with a shove, then runs for the
BP - and falls into a double drop toehold! Summer holds Thug for Sandy's
dropkick! High ten and THE BUMP! Summer gets rah rah (and scary) while
the Angels regroup on the outside. McLane says the Beach Patrol want to
avenge their loss against Caged Heat in the early weeks of WOW - I thought
that they won by DQ in Week 1, actually, but I'm too lazy to go back and
check. Rider on the apron, Sandy bringing her in the hard way. Into the
ropes, reversed, crossbody gets 2. Arm wringer, makes the tag before
STOMPING IT IN, into the ropes, dropkick by Summer, Davidson in and Sandy
dropkicks *her.* Another high ten and bump and they're *both* kinda
creepin' me out now. Sandy and Davidson locking up, Davidson goes to the
face, scoop...and a slam. Forearm in the back. Pickiner her back up -
another forearm down. Axehandle. Into the corner, tag to Rider - they
take turns with rights to the abdomen - Milton, of course, is occupied
trying to keep Summer from coming in. Double pickup - and drop. I think
her chest may have broken the fall. Each women gets in a kick - Rider
covers - 1, 2, Summer breaks it up. Is it just me or do I hear overdubbed
commentary? All four women in the ring now - Rider rakes Sandy's face -
Davidson has Summer in the opposite corner. Hmmm...the overdubbed McLane
is quite auidble as we head to break. "If you don't come back IT WON'T BE
PRETTY!" What, Harley's Angels won't win after all? HMM.
Funny to see the USA BLONDE hot sex line in the middle of the Beach Patrol
match, isn't it? I mean, what are the odds of...eh whatever.
When we come back, they're still paired up in opposite corners - double
whip, Summer leapfrogs Sandy and ducks a swing from Rider, full nelson (?!)
- double full nelson even - double atomic drop! Ooh, it's rowin' the boat
time! Well, double wishbone, anyway. And then they do it again! Whee!
Double face rake, Sandy tossed by Davidson as Rider takes Summer's head to
the buckle..and again. Thug with a free shot as well. Rider with the
tradmarked bronco buster - tag to Davidson. Scoop...Sandy in to dropkick
her partner into a press - Rider breaks it up - they're all in again -
opposite corners - double whip, double reversal and Rider and Davidson
collide in the middle. But Thug is on the apron, pulling Sandy's hair down
to the mat. Bodyslam for Sandy - Davidson holding her for the THUGBOMB!
Davidson covers...and it's academic. 1, 2, 3. (2:34 + 2:00) Thug grabs
the tag team belt (singular) from McLane and presents it to her team.
Watch McLane position Thug. "Thug, these belts aren't yours yet - Charlie
Davidson." Thug: "Haven't you ever heard - patience is a virtue? Those
belts belong with the Angels!" Huh? "Well I'm gonna tell you something,
Thug. You cheated! You helped this team win! And you're now gonna be in
the finals all right, at the iNDEMAND event on Sunday, February 4th, but
guess what? Lee Marshall, they gonna have to beat Caged Heat to get those
belts!" Rider: "We ain't afraid of Caged Heat! You can unleash Caged
Heat, but they can't get Harley's Angels down. You're gonna watch this on
WOW Unleashed, McLane - you're gonna watch Caged Heat WISH they were in a
cage!" "Fans, we'll find out if they can do it on Sunday February 4th, and
Thug, I don't know what we're gonna do with you but we gotta do something
with you." "Get outta here, David McLane!" Here's a replay of the
finish...from several angles and with sound effects! McLane: "...and
who's gonna be in the house as the special guest announcer? "The Brain"
Bobby Heenan will be on WOW pay-per-view next Sunday! Log on to WOWE.com
and get all the information! Man, you won't wanna miss it - Bobby Heenan,
"the Brain" on WOW pay-per-view!"
"Sunday, February 4th! WOW - Women of Wrestling unleashed! Shocking steel
cage: Selina Majors vs. Thug! A haircut match - the wrestler pinned gets
her head shaved! World title rematch: Danger vs. Terri Gold! Live 8PM
Eastern, 5 Pacific! Tag team championship - Harley's Angels vs. Caged
Heat! Plus swimsuit contest - Sunday, February 4th - WOW Women of
Wrestling...Unleashed!"
Promotional consideration paid for by Invention Submission Corporation,
EnerX, and EnerX (again)
Hey, I think I can just cut and paste! Woo hoo! "Sunday, February 4th,
four beautiful women enter the WOW ring to battle for the most precious
thing they own - their hair! Lana Star, Ice Cold, Patti Pizzazz and Poison
- four women, four beautiful heads of hair - and the wrestler pinned loses
hers completely. That's right, completely bald! Featuring the most
intriguing and beautiful women in wrestling...Lana Star, Ice Cold, Patti
Pizzazz and Poison. You've seen the name calling, the conniving, the hair
pulling, everyone is taking sides but when the razor comes out it'll be
every woman for herself! The wrestler pinned gets her head shaved. Few
things can excite a woman as much as the idea she may lose her hair. This
WILL get ugly. See it on WOW - Women of Wrestling - Unleashed! Also
featuring a cage match with Selina and Thug! The rematch for the WOW World
Champion as Danger faces Terri Gold! Tag team championship finals: Caged
Heat vs. Harley's Angels! And, WOW unleashes the heat in the first annual
WOW swimsuit competition, where you pick the winner! Sunday, February 4th,
8PM Eastern, 5PM Pacific - Women of Wrestling UNLEASHED!" At least this
time they fixed the graphic...oh, there's the copyright notice.
This *must* be MY problem - I've never thought of exciting a woman by
giving her the idea she may lose her hair. I'm gonna work on that - we'll
see you NEXT week for HYPE CENTRAL!! SEE YA!
Christopher Robin Zimmerman
www.CRZ.net