by Christopher Robin Zimmerman
WrestleLine/WrestleManiacs
QUICK QUOTE: WOWI.OB 1 5/8 (- 7/8) - oh, well...
Ohhhhhhhhhh WOW!
Just after the pay-per-view, Ice Cold, newly shorn, ran down a hallway near
the camera, shouting "Poison! McLane! Lana Star! YOU did this to me!"
Elsewhere, Danger was preparing to get back into her steamy SUV when Riot
(sharing a motorcycle with...somebody) Gillooly's her with her baseball
bat. Then, in a Steiner-esque move, takes the bat against her knee and
SNAPS it in half.
Cut to a creepy view from below. "Now who's on the highway to Hell?" Riot
gets back on the motorcycle and it drives off. "RIOT DAMN YOU!"
We move to a shot of a bruised and bleeding Riot, talking to the camera.
"Danger, you messed with the wrong girl. Terri Gold, I'm coming for you
NEXT!"
Clips of the battle royal for the title...and a voiceover by Selina Majors.
"From the very first show, and that battle royal, *I* shoulda been the
champion. Terri Gold's feet touched the ground, I threw Thug out, and *I*
shoulda been the WOW World Champion. I've been wrestling for fifteen years
and *I* deserve that belt." We cut to a shot of Majors shoving McLane.
"No, Selina, calm down! Turn off that camera! Turn off that..."
Opening Credits
TODAY: Jungle Grrrl takes on Jane Blond! Riot tackles Sandy! And the NEW
tag team champions, Caged Heat will fight the Daughters of Darkness!
Backstage, the white van carrying our favourite convicts pulls in.
DAVID McLANE is in the ring, ready to cue the Kane pyro. "Welcome to WOW!
Women of Wrestling! Making her way to ringside...the self-proclaimed
executive producer of WOW Women of Wrestling...the one that loves the
colour pink...the one that loves the red carpet treatment...the one that
loves limousines, champagne and the movie star treatment of Hollywood - she
is the Fabulous LANA STAR!" This is Women of Wrestling #20, airing the
weekend of 17.2.1 (taped 20.1) and for the next six weeks or so you'll have
to get used to pre-PPV taped footage spliced together with post-PPV,
post-production magic - don't worry, I'll try to help along when it's the
most annoying. (ha) Anyway, there's a woman in pink that would like to be
heard. "Hello everybody - I'd like to welcome you all to another episode
of the Lana Star show!" "Lana Star, what are you out here gloa-ting
about?" "Well, I'd like to show you my prized possession...Ice Cold's
hair." (Looks like cotton to me) "Lana Star, how can you gloat about
this? Ladies and gentlemen, she has a bag full of Ice Cold's hair..."
"Well, everyone, let's take a look and see my latest work." Up on the
WOWvision, a little chromakey magic gives us a clip from Unleashed of Ice
being shaved (instead of the much, much earlier clipping Star gave her).
"There was no call for that, Lana, and I can't believe you're out here
gloa-ting about it." "Listen, nerd. Ice Cold's been CRYING to everyone
about me cutting off her hair, but if you face me, you'll pay the price."
"Well you know what, Lana, I was anticipating you coming out. I've got a
little clip for you to see..." Let Us Take You Back to October, where Star
took out Randi Rah Rah with a mirror shot. "Do you remember what you did
to Randi Rah Rah?" "Are you getting senile, McLane? That's SO old news -
I put Randi Rah Rah out of wrestling!" "Well, guess what, Lana...I got a
little surprise for you, tonight...ladies and gentlemen, making her return
to WOW Women of Wrestling, after over three months' absence...give it up
for Randi Rah Rah!"
LANA STAR v. R-A-N-D-I R-A-N-D-I RANDI RUH RUH RANDI RUH RUH - Randi hits
the ring with a Thesz press and once again it's on. From LEE MARSHALL's
volume, this is quite obviously the most exciting thing EVER. Five rights
from Randi. In the corner, on the second rope, egging on the crowd, five
more rights - whip into the opposite corner is reversed, Randi on the
second rope, crossbody, 2! Got the side headlock, STOMPING IT IN, Star
powers out, Randi hits the shoulderblock. Off the ropes, cartwheeling
over, and dropping with a press for 2. Arm wringer, STOMPING IT IN, hey
it's like she never left for three months! Star grabs the hair to take her
down. Randi kips up and hits an armdrag takeover! Back up and back to the
arm wringer, STOMPING IT IN, snapmare takeover, dropping the leg, STILL
holding that arm, and dropping the leg on it one more time. Back up with
the arm wringer, STOMPING IT IN, Star powers out off the ropes, leapfrog by
Randi, dropkick to the booty and Star has to go outside. Randi out after
her - the chase is on! Star back in first - Randi in - Star out. Referee
"Blind" Josh Milton manages to hold her back this time. Star demands a
little room before she'll get back in. Star finally back up on the apron -
Randi brings her in the hard way. Put in the corner...hiptoss takeover
out. "Randi - RAH RAH!" Running dropkick. Into the corner - "Randi - RAH
RAH!" - running at Star, but she dumps her over the top rope onto the apron
- Randi yanks her hair, taking her to the mat. Climbing up - (edit?) - top
rope crossbody gets 2! Star in the corner, Irish whip out, reversal, Star
off the ropes with a bulldog - sorry, Facelift. Scoop...and a slam by
Star. Star climbing to the second rope, fixing her hair...and dropkicking
Randi right in the booty. (McLane: "right to the back") Stary removing
the EYE PATCH! (Did I mention Randi was wearing an eye patch?) She's got
one of those cool contact lenses in, too. Star with the DDT! Star fixes
her hair once again...and now P-A-T-T-I P-A-T-T-I PATTI PIZZAZZ PATTI
PIZZAZZ is out...but fumbling with the case of beauty products - what is
she looking for? Randi sneaks up behind Star and hits a schoolboy
(schoolgirl?) - 1, 2, 3!! (4:47) Randi gives Patti a look on her way back
up the aisle...but Patti doesn't look back. Instead, Lana berates Patti
for her blundering...and walks out alone. Patti trundles behind,
but...ohhh, something's brewing HERE. Replays of what we just done seen.
Here are some clips from the next two participants of tonight's show -
Jungle Grrrl (splash off the ladder) and Jane Blond (dropkicking Tanja, and
her pre-match pose on the top rope)
Benny Hill should SPIN IN HIS GRAVE for all I have to see his ads - come to
think of it, *that's* a video I'd probably BUY!
JUNGLE GRRRL v. JANE BLOND - "Llllllladies and gentlemen, introducing from
the Amazon RAIN forest, it's Jungle Grrrl!" She's wearing some baby's
breath in her hair - there's a lot of baby's breath growing out in the
Amazon rain forest, you know. "Her opponent! From Her Majesty's Secret
Service...it's...Blond. Jane Blond!" It's the Queen of the Splash vs. the
Queen of the missile drop, says McLane. What's a missile drop, says CRZ.
Grrrl is perched on the top rope, waiting for Blond to quit showing off for
Clint and get in the ring so she can hit a top rope missile dropkick on
her. Into the ropes, reversed, leapfrog by Blond, into an armbar takedown.
Oh, I see, a missile drop is a missile dropkick. McLane can be so WEIRD
sometimes. Grrrrl is in the ropes. Blond picks her up - into the ropes,
reversed, belly-to-belly suplex! "Did Jungle Grrrl wanna become the Queen
of England by defeating Jane Blond? We'll find out!" McLane needs to
either cut the dosage - or increase it. Blond put in the corner, kick,
kick, into the opposite corner is reversed, but Grrrl springs off the
second rope with...hmmm, a friendly edit. Call it a clothesline. Side
headlock, STOMPING IT IN, Blond powers out but Grrrl hits the
shoulderblock. (We may have to call this "sequence #1") - Blond evades the
dropped headbutt and takes commands - Grrrl's head hits the buckle - again
- Blond runs up on the shoulders, then hits her unique headscissors
takeover. Into the ropes, dropkick...2! Side headlock, STOMPING IT IN,
Grrrl tries to suplex her out but Blond backflips - tilt-a-whirl into a
press by Blond...for 2! Scoop...and a slam! Blond in control! Let's take
a break! Graphics man says: "If you don't come back IT WON'T BE PRETTY!"
Looks like we're pretty much where we left off...Blond is still on the
apron heading for the top rope. Missile dropkick...is swatted away! Oh
oh. I think she's angry. Pumphandle...hey, Jungle Grrrl with the
Meltdown! Grrrl going up top...and there's the top rope headbutt. Big
vertical suplex. Scoop....and a slam. Blond put on the top rope - right
hand to the abdomen - another right - Grrrl climbing up - superplex coming
up? YES! Jungle Grrrl's not done...looks like it's time for that infamous
top-rope splash. 1, 2, 3. (2:15 + 2:11) Wow, that sure got squashy at the
end there. Replays. McLane hits the ring to talk to Jungle Grrrl.
"Ladies and gentlemen, the winner...and the king, if you will, of the
jungle....Jungle Grrrl!" "David McLane! How many of your girls do I have
to put down to get that belt? You're lookin' at the #1 Contender! That's
right." "Some people may have an argument with you on that, Jungle Grrrl."
"I don't care what kinda argument they have - put 'em in the ring, and
let's find out. One...by one...by one. They will fall - they will lose -
I will have that title belt. Jungle Grrrl....will....be....number one."
"Jungle Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrl!" I think McLane likes saying that.
Ice Cold, immediately following WOW Unleashed, trashed the locker room.
"Lana Star, you did this to me, and now you're gonna PAY for it!"
Back in the ring with McLane: "Ladies and gentlemen, it's my honour to
present to you the Total Athlete.....Roxyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy
Powerrrrrrrrrrrrs! Roxy Powers, just in a few short weeks, you've taken
the nation by storm, the fans are admiring your athletic ability!" I think
he means they're admiring her *headlights.* "That's right, David - you're
lookin' at a new Roxy Power with a new total attitude right here." "Well
there's somebody I know that's not sharing the fan's enthusiasm, and that
is Slam Dunk. Let's take a look at exactly what you did to Slam Dunk..."
We look back four or five weeks. "That's the first time I've ever seen
anybody shut up Slam Dunk!" "Slam Dunk is nothin' but a punk! Yeah, she
talks the talk, but as I said before, she still can't...walk the walk."
"Uh oh!" Uh oh, indeed - SLAM DUNK is out...and taking her sweet time
about it. "Slam Dunk, you have no reason to interrupt my interview with
Roxy Powers." "Please, McLane - Slam Dunk dominates the court, the ring,
and you better hope I don't take YOUR job, you vertically-challenged
tightwad FOOL! Now as for you, Roxy POWERS, you should feel honoured you
even got to be in the ring with Slam Dunk - so why don't you just go back
home and practice, little girl, 'cause this time you're in the big leagues,
because...I am, I slam." Powers laughs - ha! "Oh my goodness - Slam!
Slam - you CLAIM that you wanted to be in the WNBA, that you didn't wanna
be in it, but we all know the truth...is that the WNBA - heh - they didn't
want YOU! You *may* dominate on the court, but here, baby, in the
ring...that's MY game." "Oh yeah, baby, Roxy Powers' game is in this ring,
and hey - Slam Dunk, this isn't any match...you don't need to be in--" Dunk
shoves him away (instant face turn!!), ducks a swing from Powers - choke -
ahhhhhhTHECHOKESLAAAAAM! And then she gives one to Josh Milton (who sells
it better - how sad). "I am Slam Dunk!" She removes Milton's belt and
starts WHIPPIN' Powers - hmm, *I'm* not into it, but I'll bet *some* people
are really turned on right now. The rest of the refs come out and separate
Slam from Roxy. Slam says "wassup" a few hundred times on her way back up.
There's a good look at Clint's "JANE BLOND'S CIA LIAISON" sign to cover an
edit. "Roxy, are you all right?" "No! Slam! You wanna put me with a -
you wanna BEAT me with a strap? I challenge you to a strap match right
here next week! Are you on, or are you too chickent?" "Slam Dunk - Roxy
Powers challenges you to a STRAP match! Do you wanna see it, fans? Roxy,
we'll see if we can make that happen." "It will happen - right here, next
week, check it out." "Roxy Powers!"
Hey, does that Canadian station protect you from these EnerX ads, too?
(Those ads don't air in Canada.) They *don't?* Wow, they're really
missing out! Not really.
THE RIOT v. SANDY OF THE BEACH PATROL - "Ladies and gentlemen!
Introducing, the Heavy Metal Maniac...Rrrrrrrrrrrrriot!" Riot appropriates
the mic held by ring announcer THOMAS GRIFFIN. "You know who I am, don't
you? What was that? And you know how I am, don't you? Because I am
unbreakable...I am....and I am.....! And I am here to tell you that I...
["Ri-ot!"] ...I am the #1 Contender for the championship belt. I can not
be beaten. And if I keep having these matches, these silly little itty
bitty little matches, it's gon' get bloody up in here! So I had better get
that title match SOON, or else we're gonna have some problems, 'cause
nothing can stop...the Riot!" I guess the blanks are supposed to be filled
in as "unbreakable," "unbeatable," "the Riot!" I'll probably not remember
that next time I'm down there, but I can certainly try. "Her opponent: one
half of the Beach Patrol...Sandy!" Marshall says "ho daddies." Riot
leaves the ring to go complain about the lack of competition in the ring.
Riot pulls her out by her ankles. Head to the apron. I smell squash
cookin'. Scoop....hold...(Marshall: "Don't do it on the floor!")
hold...("DON'T do it on the floor!") and a slam! ON THE FLOOR! Riot shows
her pretty face to the camera - and tells us it'll be over soon. Sandy put
in the ring...Riot up top...but Sandy comes to while Riot's posing on
top...beal across the ring! Big dropkick! Another dropkick...is swatted
away. Riot has the hair...scoop...and a slam. Sandy's developing a
vicious wedgie. Scoop...but Sandy breaks free - to the ropes, but Riot
holds on and bumps Sandy backwards. Running elbowdrop...MISSES! Sandy
with a side headlock - STOMPING IT IN...side headlock takeover - STILL
holding onto it - Riot tries to turn it to a pin attempt - but Sandy rolls
back - now to their feet - Sandy STOMPING IT IN one more time - Riot to the
ribs to break it...across the shoudlers in the Torture Rack...and tossed
over her shoulder to the mat. Riot grabs another handful of hair...into
the ropes, Sandy ducks a clothesline and hits a flying press! 1, 2, no!
Riot sweeps the legs with her own...grabs the arm and drops the legs on it.
To the crossface and short-arm scissors...Sandy swims to the rope, and
grabs it! Hold broken. Sandy breaks the grab, double leg takedown - WOW
CATAPULT, Riot twisting to the mat. Riot runs at Sandy...into the drop
toehold! Sandy puts her in the ropes, reversed, sunset flip by Sandy gets
2. Riot put into the ropes, reversed, leapfrog by Riot, back kick, got the
hair, head between the legs...powerbomb coming up - SUPER wedgie just for
fun...and here's that powerbomb. Hand between the boobies - 1, 2, 3!
(5:06)
Back to post-PPV tape as David McLane stands with TERRI GOLD, who has an
icepack on her shoulder: "Terri Gold, what went through your mind - you
were the enforcer, you were the one keeping the referee out, keeping
Harley's Angels out
and then the sudden surprise: Terri Gold, turned on by Selina Majors, her
mentor." "David, I don't know what happened, I have always looked up to
Selina, she asked me to be the special enforcer for this match, I told her
I'd have her back - I didn't know what to do...I didn't want to count for
Thug, but I had to - I mean, I started the count, I didn't wanna do it, and
I had to, I had to do what was right, I had to make sure I enforced the
rules - the other ref went over--" "Your heart - your heart must have been
torn, I mean you could see it - Terri Gold, look at it right here, fans,
let's roll it. Your heart was torn...you didn't wanna do it." "You know,
Selina trains me all the time, I really look up to her - I think she's a
awesome wrestler - I didn't wanna turn on her, but I had nothing else I
could do." "Well you don't consider it the fact that you turned on her, do
you, I mean you had to do the right thing." "No - right, exactly, I had to
- Thug had her pinned - I had to count." "But there's no doubt about it:
Selina Majors turned on the world champion, Terri Gold. How do you feel?"
"David, you know I'm not feeling really that well, I'm gonna go back into
the training room." "I don't blame you - thank you for taking a moment
out. There you go fans, the world champion Terri Gold, moments after the
match at WOW Unleashed. We'll be back in a moment, stay tuned."
Backstage, Pain and Loca hand their belts to Vendetta for safekeeping
and/or to explain them not having them when this next match was taped.
"You think someone's gonna steal them?" "Yeah - this guard be lookin'
shady!" A hearty laugh is exchanged.
DAUGHTERS OF DARKNESS (with the Goon) v. CAGED HEAT (UNLEASHED) for the WOW
world tag team championship - "Entering the ring, accompanied by the
Goon...it's....the Daughters of Darkness...Mystery...and Misery. The
Daughters of Darkness." Wanna have some fun? Listen for an overdub on the
next intro. "Introducing, the WOW Women of Wrestling tag team
champions...Caged Heat!" A ghostly "is unleashed!" can be heard as well.
If the Daughters win the titles, how will they get the belts? Maybe this
is a nontitle match. Who knows? Loca and Pain hit the ring and triple
clothesline all three folks in black - Goon loses his face! Goon loses his
- oh wait he's got it back. They toss Goon through the ropes. Pose on the
corners for the champs. Delta Lotta Pain and Mystery will start. McLane
says Caged Heat made it through "over sixteen teams" to win the
titles...McLane may think that twelve is IN FACT over sixteen - who can
say. Lockup, side headlock by Mystery, STOMPING IT IN, Pain powers out,
shoulderblock by Mystery ("Sequence #1!") Shoulderblock again by Mystery.
Up and over, Pain with a hiptoss to turn it around. Armdrag by Pain, tag
to Misery, Pain brings HER in the hard way, into the ropes, weird powerslam
- 1, 2, Pain moves out of the way of Mystery's elbowdrop and Misery takes
it. Pain takes time out to laugh...and the Daughters strike back with a
double clothesline. Into the ropes, Loca pulls her out by the ankles to
save her. Rolled back in, and I think there was a tag. Double bulldog on
Mystery - Loca covers - 1, 2, kickout. Mystery put in a corner, right,
right, into the opposite corner is reversed, Loca hits sternum first and
falls backwards. Into the ropes, big powerslam by Mystery, 1, 2, Pain
tries an elbow but Mystery slips THAT. But Loca has a chance - gutshot,
scoop...and a slam. "Wassup fool!" Drops the knee. Whip into the ropes,
reversal, big boot to the gut by Mystery - setting up for a fisherman
suplex but it's ad break time (in the middle of a move?!?) Graphics guy
says "If you leave WE'RE COMING AFTER YOU!" I DARE them to come after ME.
And when we come back, she *does* hit that fishermanplex, but Pain drops
both legs on her midsection to break it up at 2. Mystery put in the ropes,
double clothesline ducked, Mystery tries one of her own but they catch it
and convert on an inverted double side Russian legsweep (how 'bout THAT
one, Rev. Ray?) Loca sees to taunting Misery into the ring to distract
referee "Blind" Josh Milton...or just do beat on her, as each member of the
Orange Crush have a masked lady in an opposite corner. They both reverse,
however, to a pair of SUPER spinebusters...both women kick out! "Everyone
out!" says Milton - I don't think he knows who's legal anymore. Mystery is
tossed by Pain - Loca with a short clothesline on Misery, picking her up
and sending her to Pain, who holds her in a bearhug for the clothesline -
that's the Driveby. Goon pulls Loca out, so Delta hits a baseball slide
dropkick to take HIM down! Mystery and Loca going at it on the floor -
Mystery put back in, Loca follows - into the ropes, 3D! I mean, Capital
Punishment! Loca covers - 1, 2, 3. (2:47 + 1:46) In the Media Room, a
funny story I forgot to tell you was one of the three asked what time it
was, and without missing a beat, the other two quickly answered "Hard
time!" even though she legitimately wanted to know what time it was. Well,
maybe you had to be there...or maybe I had to tell the story closer to when
it actually happened. Replays of Capital Punishment. Back in the ring,
the Goon has a chair...but he falls into a double drop toehold...then Loca
holds his legs apart for (McLane: "It's gonna be a ballbustah!") Wassup!
Milton gets a shot in the gut as well before they take off - a GUARD meets
them halfway up the aisle to "help" them leave.
Promotional consideration paid for by Invention Submission Corporation,
Tootsie candies, and Invention Submissio Corporation.
It's your last chance to vote in the WOW Swimsuit Competition! And your
last segment of tonight's show!
Visit wowe.com!
SEE YA!
Christopher Robin Zimmerman
www.CRZ.net