by Christopher Robin Zimmerman
WrestleLine/WrestleManiacs
QUICK QUOTE: WOWI.OB 1 1/32 (+ 0.02125)
I GET LETTERS: Neill B. (no, the one from Seneca, SC) writes: Hey CRZ,
Like the recaps you do , anyway thought i would write to tell you that
last week when I was watching tv at about 1:30 am and an episode of Sex
Wars came on ( you have probably seen it , but if you haven't it is a game
show that has 3 guys and 3 women playing against each other) well lo and
behold Roxy Powers was on the Ladies team. She wasn't referred to by that
name but it was here. When she isn't fighting tall black girls like Slam
Dunk , she is apparently a Kick Boxing instructor.
I actually *did* watch Sex Wars back when I thought there wasn't anything
else on at 2:10am...but I've started to tape an hour of Pokemon to watch
instead. I'm *finally* gonna learn the names of all of them so I can
master "Hey You Pikachu." Anyway, thanks for sharing the eyes!
WOW logo - ohhhhhhhhhhhhh WOW!
LAST WEEK ON WOW: When we left, Selina was (mistakenly?) taking the
trashcan lid to Terri Gold during her match with Thug...and now we pick it
up - Majors with the trashcan lid to Thug! And a lid shot for Milton!
And...
Opening Credits - damn, we'll just NEVER know what happened at the end of
that match
WENDI WHEELS v. SUMMER OF THE BEACH PATROL - DAVID McLANE with the
introductions: "Making her way from Mechanicsburg,
Pennsylvania...everybody's favourite mechanic shop pinup girl, from the
world of NASCAR, she is Wennndiiiiiiiiii Wheeeeeeeeels!" Wheels with the
standard "do me" pose on the top turnbuckle - vroom vroom! "Her opponent,
from the sunny beaches of California, California's favourite, one half of
the Beach Patrol with Sandy, it's her partner, oh yeah, Summerrrrrrr!"
Summer, recall, is the *creepy* half of the Beach Patrol, and the one
equipped with her own personal flotation device already built-in.
Lockup, side headlock by Wheels, STOMPING IT IN, hiplock takeover, Summer
to a headscissors counter - Wheels to her feet - got the legs - into a
Mechanisburg Crab! Summer reaches for the rope - and gets it. Wheels
pulls her legs and flattens her nose - and now goes to a ... well, it's a
bit like a Tejas cloverleaf - again Summer hits the ropes. McLane says
WOW is going to...Egypt? Can they dress like that over there? Wheels
dares her to get up so she can stretch her again. Vroom vroom! Summer
kicks her away - running one-legged dropkick finds the mark - cover - 1.
Summer to the surfboard - now with a leg between the shoulders - Wheels
breaks it, turns it over, and now SHE has a surfboard - Summer drops down,
but Wheels grabs her legs and wheelbarrows her up - then drops her on her
face again. I LOVE this girl! Inito the ropes, Summer slips around and
hits a rollup for 2. Wheels puts her in the ropes again - clothesline
gets 2. McLane promises we'll see Terri Gold and Thug later tonight, but
I think we already did? Summer put in the corner, no reversal, Summer
with a monkey flip. Running to the corner, but Wheels puts the boots up
to stop her - on the second rope, vroom vroom, waiting for Summer to get
up - and there's the flying clothesline for 2! Wheels brings her up by
the hair - into the ropes, gutshot, Blowout, good night now. (3:36)
Replay of the Blowout. If you don't come back, IT WON'T BE PRETTY!
Speaking of not pretty, here's your Benny Hill ad for the week
DISCIPLINARIAN v. BECKIE, THE FARMER'S DAUGHTER - Ring announcer THOMAS
GRIFFIN with the call: "Ladies and gentlemen, THIS is a WOW challenge
match! Introducing, from the Board of Education, it's the
Disciplinarian." "I cannot BELIEVE that Beckie, the Farmer's Daughter had
the NERVE to challenge ME to a match! Your pet pig is smarter than you,
Beckie. Why don't you ask your brother, or your cousin, or is it your
daddy, you know I'm a little confused about life on the farm...I tell you
what: why don't you educate me on farm life, and I'll educate you in the
ring. Class is in session, Beckie!" Beckie runs to the ring before her
music even starts and dropkicks Disco through the ropes. Beckie fosters a
chant - by the way, you may not know this to look at her, but Beckie will
hug at the drop of a hat. Disco brought in the hard way - into the ropes,
reversed, but Beckie dropkicks as Disco brings her up. Disco tries a
swing, but Beckie ducks - there's a keister bump, and into the Farmer's
Roll! 1, 2, Disco kicks out. Side headlock, stomping it in - Disco powers
out - shoulderblock by Beckie - up and over, leapfrog over her, Disco with
the leapfrog, hiptoss by Disco, kicked away by Beckie. Fast and furious -
there's a lariat from the Disciplinarian. Scoop...and a slam. Off the
ropes, big splash gets 2. Going for the Whatever We're Calling the
Pedigree For Her but Beckie upends her with a backdrop! To the ropes, but
nobody's home on the springboard splash. Disco rams her head into the
buckle - and again. Running hiptoss out of the corner. She's ready to do
it again but Beckie handstands into a cartwheel instead, and hits a
dropkick off the ropes. Disciplinarian heads for the outside to take a
breather. Knee to the abdomen when Beckie meets her on the apron...and
there's a hot shot. Disco back in - head to the buckle. Legsweep trips
her up. Got both legs - is this the WOW CATAPULT? YES! Put in the
corner, whip into the opposite corner, but Beckie lands on the corner and
springs off the second rope with a dropkick! Scoop...and a slam by
Beckie. Beckie going up top...FIREBIRD SPLASH! *PERFECT* 450 onto
Disciplinarian for the 1, 2, 3!! (3:52) McLane dubs it the "Barnburner,"
and we see it from every camera in the replay.
Log onto wowe.com - NOW!
From the bar, Thug: "Selina Majors, at the pay-per-view, I tore you apart
from limb to limb. I mutilated you! And Terri Gold, you're running
around scared of all the so-called 'top contenders' for the belt - Slam
Dunk, Jungle Grrrl, Riot, Danger, well little girl, the one you should be
afraid of is ME! That belt would be around my waist right now if it was
not for the *interference* of Selina Majors, the 'Real Deal!' Well, you
shine that belt up, you do your pushups, you do your situps, because lemme
tell you something, I AM the best lady wrestler in this world, I've been
around this world twice, and I AM the best at what I do in that squared
circle, so you take that belt, bring it to the ring because it WILL leave
the ring with ME - and Bronco Billie, tonight I'm gonna show you just what
it's like to enter the snake pit!"
Everybody's been talking about it - everybody's been wanting to know - the
winner of the Venus Swimwear competition is........is...........is........
the Fabulous Lana Star! It was a "last minute surge of votes" that put
her over the top - make your own "last minute surge" joke here if you're
so inclined. Here's another Special Video Look at Lana.
"David McLane here, fans, with RANDI RAH RAH - she made her debut in WOW
Unleashed, but unfortunately, Randi, you're still not 100%." "No, David,
I've been out for three whole months, and I just want Lana Star to know
how I felt. David, when I joined this company, I never thought that
anything like being blinded in one eye would happen to me - yeah, I
thought I may have a broken nose or a broken arm or something of that
sort, but never anything this serious - this is something serious,
something that I have to have to live with the rest of my life, and she
seems to have no concern whatsoever, but I'm not a quitter - I am not a
quitter, and my main goal in life right now is to make Lana Star suffer -
to let her know exactly what I feel." "You already - you already her last
week - I mean, you took care of her." "No...no. She doesn't know what it
feels like to nearly be blinded in one eye." She removes the patch -
"OH!" "To look like this...to have to look like this, to have to face
people." "Mmm - what do you have in mind for her?" "David...have you
ever been blindfolded?" "Under what circumstance?" "I have a little
proposition for you...and for you, Lana Star." "What do you have in
mind?" "We'll have to save it for later." Now THERE'S a mug on McLane...
What is this, the Cleo hour? Wait...let me ask my tarot cards. What?
"Ask Again Later?!"
JUNGLE GRRRL v. HAMMERIN' HEATHER STEELE - "Ladies and gentlemen,
introducing...from the Amazon RAIN forest...Jungle Grrrrrrl. Her
opponent, from Sweet Home, Oregon...she's everybody's favourite Tool Time
Girl - it's Hammerin' Heather Steele!" I don't know, I *still* think
decaf would solve most of that. Grrrl leaves her perch with a missile
dropkick - hmmm, this'll be some squash, won't it? Scoop....and a slam.
Off the ropes, but the headbutt misses. Steele to the side headlock,
STOMPING IT IN, Grrrl powers out, leapfrog, back elbow. Steele put in the
corner, kick, kick, whip is reversed, Steele pounds her chest...and
catches Grrrl with a drop toehold. Hammerlock, trying to STOMP IT IN but
Grrrl snapmares her over. Into the ropes, dropkick.
Pumphandle...Meltdown. Grrrl going up top - I anticipate a flying
headbutt - don't know WHY she does that before the splash, but it's
definitely a pattern. There's a vertical suplex - delayed nicely thanks
to the short, light opponent. Scoop...and a between the legs sitout slam.
Sat up on top...rake of the eyes...climbing up for a superplex...ayup.
Grrrl going up top - this is the splash - this is a pin. (3:12) Steele
kicked out of the ring - I think she's looking for a microphone. "I don't
know how many people I gotta drop down in this place to get a belt. I've
said it before and I'm saying it again - I AM the #1 Contender for the
championship belt. Enough said - learn the laws of the jungle baby - that
belt....is mine." Replays of the splash. Right onto Steele's rack!
Yow! We're coming right back AFTER YOU!
Discussing men's sexual behaviour is always a sensitive topic...except in
this here ad for EnerX
PARADISE and FARAH THE PERSIAN PRINCESS v. JADE and LOTUS - "THIS is a tag
team match! Introducing first...Paradise! Her tag team partner: it's
Farah, the Persian Princess! Their tag team opponents...known as the
Asian Invasion, introducing first, the Spitfire...Jade. Her tag team
partner...the lovely exotic flower...she's Lotus!" This match has NO
business being on this show, but I guess we can admire the Wedgie
competition and make some more jokes about Jade dishonouring her family
once again when she eventually loses. Jade and Paradise start - lockup,
side headlock by Jade, STOMPING IT IN, powered out, shoulderblock (that's
opening gambit #1 in WOW, remember) - Jade off the ropes, up and over,
leapfrog by Paradise, crossbody block by Jade for 1. Side headlock,
STOMPING IT IN, Paradise runs her to the corner but she holds on - side
headlock takeover - and 2! Farah tags in - Jade holds onto the side
headlock - and hits a double Samurai Scissors by holding the headlock
while hitting the head scissors with her legs! Took too long celebrating
- double clothesline puts her down. Farah puts her in the ropes, back
elbow. McLane says she was looking to her grandmother - oh. Scoop...and a
slam. Cover - 2. Into the ropes, Jade manages a Samurai Scissors and tags
out - dropkick by Lotus - into the corner, handspring elbow, snapmare
over, seated dropkick. Tag to Jade - on all fours for the flying
clothesline - Jade gets 2. Asian Invasion puts her in the corner - double
suplex blocked - blocked again - Farah hits a double DDT! Reaching for
the tag - and tags Paradise! Double clothesline! Lotus booted outside -
Jade suplexed with authority - off the ropes - fistdrop - cover - 2.
Paradise still in control - Jade put in the corner - shoulder to the gut,
again, again, into the opposite corner, Jade up and over, Samurai
Scissors!! Paradise somersaults to Farah to make the tag as Lotus also
gets a tag - kick ducked, Farah with a kick, tag to Paradise, double
suplex - very nice. Lotus tags while her opponents celebrate - boosted
crossbody by Jade for 2! Farah puts Jade in her corner - double kick.
Double side Russian legsweep! Farah covers - 1, 2, 3! (San Jose 4:08)
Sorry, that was the double side *Persian* legsweep - and here's a replay.
In the locker room, we see Lana Star's manicure. Patti Pizzazz walks in.
"Lana, it's almost time for my match - you are coming out with me, aren't
you?" "I have to get my nails done! I have an image to uphold - I *am*
the star and executive producer! You'll be fine." "Lana, I really wanted
you in my corner." "And *I'd* really like a better shade of pink nail
polish! You'll be fine, I'll be here when you get back. Go ahead!"
When we come back, Patti Pizzazz seems a little downtrodden making her
lonely, lonely walk to the ring. Randi Rah Rah happens by - "Patti - I
just wanted to wish you good luck tonight." And she shakes her pom poms.
"Thanks!" And she shakes her pom pom back! Then she skips merrily
away...
JACKLYN HYDE (with Dr. Sarah Bellum) v. P-A-T-T-I P-A-T-T-I PATTI PIZZAZZ
PATTI PIZZAZZ - "From the sanitarium, escorted to the ring by Dr. Sarah
Bellum...ladies and gentlemen, it's Jacklyn Hyde." Hyde has a message for
all of us on her way to the ring. "Ahhhhhhhhh! Please help me, please
help me to seek my (got me) - only a select few of you can receive this
transmission! I will master the game of life and lead the way....join the
ride of Jacklyn Hyde!" "HER opponent! Pattiiiiiii....Pizzazz!" Does
Patti seem a little more like Patti Pep with her pre-match cartwheel?
Dropkick by Pizzazz to start. Another dropkick. Hyde back up - and got
the hair...rake of the face. Head to the buckle. And again. Snapmare
takeover by Hyde...off the ropes, rolling neck snap. Got the legs -
double legdrop between 'em. One more double legdrop in roughly the same
area. Pizzazz complaining to referee "Blind" Jesse Hernandez but not
getting much relief. Scoop...and a slam. Hyde climbing up top...splash
MISSES! Pizzazz trying to come back - shoved Hyde into the corner,
snapmare over. And *still* complaining about her hair. Hyde roars
something - and gets a dropkick. Nice back somersault by Pizzazz. Into
the corner is reversed, and Hyde hits the 3/4 nelson bulldog coming out.
Into the corner, ANOTHER "Jacklyn splitter" (thanks McLane). Into the
corner a third time and ANOTHER splitter coming out. 1, 2, 3! (2:46)
She grabs her doll...is she finally calming down? Well, I guess RANDI RAH
RAH doesn't think so, as she's out to keep her from doing any more damage
to Patti Pizzazz. Bellum grabs Hyde to escort her away. Replays of just
about everything Hyde did in this match *almost* take longer than the
match proper. We're coming back AND TAKING NAMES!
When we come back, Pizzazz is helped back to the dressing room. "What
happened to you?" "Lana, you didn't even watch my match on the monitor?"
"I was busy, okay?" Randi walks in: "Patti, are you okay?" "What are you
doing?!" and Lana sprays her in her GOOD eye. Pizzazz pulls Star off -
"Don't EVER lay your hands on me!" Before we see how this turns out, we
cut to the main event...
THUG (with Charlie Davidson & EZ Rider) v. BRONCO BILLIE - "Ladies and
gentlemen...it's THUG and Harley's Angels!" Rider ready to provide
another lesson in winning mic performance. "Get outta my face. Ohhh -
Harley's Angles is in the house! Yeah! That's right! Harley's Angels,
baby! C'mon, Bronco Silly! C'mon down, baby, and get ready for your last
roundup! Tell 'em, Thug!" "Bronco Billie, you just come on out here,
because tonight I'm like a coiled rattlesnake - I'm ready to strike you
down, baby!" "That's right, Thug." "Thug's opponent - from the wild,
WILD west, it's Brrrrrrrrrronco Billie!" No mention of Billie's ranch
situation at all tonight, strangely enough. This is the main event! By
the way, this is Women of Wrestling #22, airing in most markets the
weekend of 3.3.1, coming to you from the Church of WOW, the Great Western
Forum in Inglewood, CA (taped 20.1) and airing in syndication all over the
place - but for how long? Davidson knocks off Billie's hat, distracting
her long enough to allow Thug an open path to a forearm in the back.
Scoop...and tied to the Tree of Woe - kick, kick, kick - the Angels yank
on her neck while referee "Blind" Josh Milton's back is turned. He does
finally turn back and free her. Into the ropes, Billie tries a
crucifix...but there's too much Thug - Samoan Drop - 1, 2, foot on the
rope. right to the body, into the opposite corner, double sledge misses -
Billie with a schoolgirl...for 2! Thug quickly back in control with a
kick. Billie put into the ropes, crossbody caught - backbreaker across
the knee by Thug. Off the ropes, splash MISSES! Billie climbing up...off
the second rope with a crossbody for 2! Thug with a short clothesline -
Billie with a rapidly developing wedgie. Shoudler in the gut by Thug -
another - and another. Into the opposite corner - shoudlerblock MISSES
and Thug hits the post. Bulldog attempted...but Thug turns it into pretty
much a death suplex. Chokeslam!! Thugbomb - sorry, Last Call coming up -
1, 2, 3!! (2:30) Milton gets a shove. I'd rather kiss a rattlesnake than
have to look at her pointing to that tattoo one more time. Rider
proclaims it too easy, ahhh yeah.
To McLane's office we go, where he's dialing the phone. "Hope she's in -
hi! David McLane calling for Jeanie Buss! Yes, I'll hold. Hope she's
in...(almost singing) got ants in mah pants and I need to dance, got ants
in mah pants and I need to - hey Jeanie! David McLane! How's business?
Great! I'm calling to take you up on your dinner offer! How's next week
sound? Well how 'bout Monday? Oh, you have an opening to attend. How
'bout Tuesday? Oh, Lakers staff meeting, hmm. How 'bout Wednesday?
Hmmm - you're out until when? Friday. Well, what about Saturday? An
owners' meeting, huh? Well, I see..."
Promotional consideration paid for by Invention Submission Corporation,
Tootsie candies, and Invention Submission Corporation (again)
McLane has loosened his tie, collar and cuffs when we come back, although
seemingly no time has passed... "And what about Sunday? A press dinner -
what about the week after that? Oh, outta town on Los Angeles Laker
business all week... Me? Yeah - (Camera scrolls to an empty schedule)
I'm practically booked up all month, too! Hey Jeanie - what about lunch?"
How odd - instead of the MG-Perin distribution graphic, we get a closing
WOW logo...
Hey, according to Those In The Know, there is NO new content available for
upcoming shows....which leads one to wonder if, indeed, there will BE
upcoming shows. They always have the PPV footage, of course...but McLane
made a rather big deal about how we GOTTA pay for it to see it for a few
weeks in a row a while back...
Well, if there's a show next week, I'll be here - come back to find out!
Christopher Robin Zimmerman
www.CRZ.net