QUICK QUOTES: AOL 62 (- 1 1/4), TWX 87 5/8 (+ 5 5/8), SPLN 40 3/4 (- 3)

Four TV-14-DLS black limos arrive - Kevin Nash is in the first, Jarrett in one, Steiner in one, the closed captioned symbol in the corner, the Harris Brothers waiting in the building...and the fourth...yep, it's Scott Hall. Everyone is surrounded by breasts. Hall reminds us why he was suspended by immediately crying out "Remember when it used to be fun around here?" even though it's meant as a joke.

Opening bumper is Nitro Grrrrrrrrl-free

WE ARE LIVE from the Staples Center in Los Angeles, CA 24.1.0 and we're starting straightaway with the foreboding WCW CRUISERWEIGHT TITLE TOURNAMENT graphic...

KAZ HAYASHIRYU (no entrance) v. PSYCHOSIS (with the Juice, no music) - "The Juice has come back to Las Vegas! It doesn't matter where we are because the Juice is in the house and the house is with the Juice! And tonight the millions of millions of Juice's - they will be chanting the Champion's name - Juvi, Juvi, Juvi, Juvi - if joo smellllalala what the Juice - is - cooking!" It would be wrong of me to point out the "WCW SUCKS" sign in the crowd but I'm feeling frisky this week. "I HATE WRESTLING" sign - that guy's in the fright place. "I LOVE CAMEL TOES" What's a camel toe? "BRING BACK OWEN" - well, that's just tasteless. I'm not recognising ANY more of your signs tonight! Hayashi with a tope with a twist. I wonder it we'll see brackets for this tourney. "DIESEL SUCKS" - who's this Diesel guy? Hayashi jumps off the top rope and lands in an atomic drop. Full flip off the clothesline. Don't know if these two are having trouble communicating or what, but not much is happening here. Psychosis dropkicking the knees, and taunting the crowd. Psychosis slides Hayashi out of the ring so Guerrera can put the boots to him - there's a Juvi elbow for good measure. Hayashi "helped" back in the ring, dropkick from Psychosis, elbow dropped. Blatant choke - knife-edge chop (woooo!) - into the ropes, Hayashi goes over the top to the floor. Whip into the barricade by Psychosis after following him out - back in the ring and posing to the crowd again. Psychosis on the top turnbuckle - but Hayashi hits a dropkick just as he reaches the floor. Both men back into the ring at 7. Hayashi takes Psychosis into the corner, places him on top, a few blows, going for the superplex, Psychosis countering with a front superplex. Off the ropes, Hayashi with a spinning heel kick, the next one misses, Hayashi catches an attempt from Psychosis, Psychosis spins around into a bodyscissors and rolls through - 1, 2, 3. (6:17) Not exactly a dream match, which is too bad as I like both of these guys.

Your hosts are the AWESOME 3 - welcome to WCW Monday Nitro! Here's some graphics of what we got on tap - Vicious vs. Nash for the WCW Championship - but first, Vicious takes on Jarrett in a Roadblock match (in which the first guy to hit the reverse bellyflop from the apron into the ring will win), the Mamalukes (the WHO??) defend the world tag team titles against the White No Limit Soldiers, Booker T. takes on the Total Package, and Kidman takes on Vampiro - quick prediction: Vampiro does the job. Tonight, we WILL crown a new World Heavyweight Champion! By God, we WILL! We mean it! We take a quick look at the entryway - nope, nothing there - back to the commentators. Crowd tries a "weasel" chant, God bless 'em

Backstage, it's T&A - and they're WALKING!

Meanwhile, in the Commissioner's locker room, Nash tells Jarrett that he's unable to compete tonight. Unfortunately, we fade to black before Nash can finish this sentence: "Don't worry...I've got a plan."

WWF SmackDown! is coming to San Jose! Errr, I THINK they are. This ad suddenly stopped and the national ad picked up right where they left off. Wow, I NEVER get to see the free "Lamb of God" video offer!

Nash tells us that he's gonna book Funk with Bam Bam Bigelow in a hardcore match - then he huddles up with the Harrises and Jarrett - because...once again...he has a plan.

THE WALL v. KID ROMEO (no entrance) - On the plus side, a Nitro debut for the deserving Power Plant standout with the Steve Blackman-esque glowstick routine - on the minus side, this is nothing more than the return of the jobber squash to Monday television. Tell you what, if Romeo ends up surprising us, shocking the world, winning this match, I'll go back and give you a complete play-by-play. Schiavone tells us that Nash just put a $15,000 bounty on Terry Funk and Bigelow will be the first guy to get a chance to collect. Well, see, THERE you go - the Nash remembers how the Clique screwed Bigelow five years ago and it's time to mend fences now that he's in power. Commentators decry Nash "booking matches on the fly" - this is where you make your own joke. It's a real shame when a deserving cruiserweight ends up as cannon fodder for a "massive" "monster." Romeo gets some token offense in, but ends up caught - dropped - chokeslammed - and pinned. (3:38)

GENE O. works tonight! He's backstage with Sid Vicious. Just for the tOA faithful, I force myself to translate his (almost whispered) words to these electrons: "Gene, how can they expect to stop me with a roadblock, for I am like a monster truck out of control. See, I am here for one purpose. To reach one mission. To become WCW World Champion. Kevin Nash, you are the commissioner, but I am the man that can veto your power - possibly your career - hee hee hee hee hee ha ha ha."

Arn asks Bigelow to band together with Funk to tell Nash to stick it - Bigelow says for fifteen grand, he'd wrestle his mother. Anderson tells Bigelow it's his funeral, and walks off...

Promotional consideration paid for by Slim Jim, Judge Wapner's Cashco, Meatball Hot Pockets, and Superdexadrine!

Closed captioning where available sponsored by America (ha!) Online!

In the locker room, Steiner says he wants to book a match tonight, and asks the girls what they want to see. Hall delivers his lines as if to say "hey! I'm reading these off a card, dammit! It's not real!" Al Green and two other guys are summoned - Hall asks who wants the opportunity and (whew!) Green volunteers first. Thank goodness, 'cause I couldn't recognise the other two!

3 COUNT are in the ring and the green circles are ready to be put to good use. Instead of hitting THEIR music, the music of Black Magic fires up, and it looks like the performance is postponed...

SHANNON MOORE (with Shane Helms and Evan Karagias) v. NEW LOS ANGELES DODGERS CATCHER SCREAMIN' NORMAN SMILEY - Helms and Karagias work over Smiley while Moore distracts Mickey J. with his move-busting ability. Wow, the good ol' criss-cross! Back elbow from Smiley - tilt-a-whirl backbreaker, and now it's time to do it in da butt and smack mah bitch up. Off the ropes, Moore ducks, body scissors, Sunset flip attempt, Smiley pulls him up into the wheelbarrow position, does him in the butt and smacks him up, then drops him on his face in a reverse powerbomb. Whip into the corner, Moore up and on the shoulder, Smiley puts him over and on the apron, then hot shots him to the floor. Smiley follows him, then Karagias and Helms are over to work on him - referee "Blind" Mickey J. somehow manages to miss all this, walking right by to check on Moore instead. Helms tries backdropped into Karagias, and almost missing, and almost bouncing his head off the floor in the process. Moore back up - Smiley tries to dump HIM, but he ends up

Steiner, Hall, and three women puff up Al Green - do I even have to tell you that they're all WALKING!

Meanwhile, in the Fortress of Solitude, Nash asks which Harris will take on Sid tonight in the Roadblock match. Don volunteers. Don's the bald one. I stole that joke from Heenan. How sad am *I*?

WCW & Surge are the perfect match! Nobody on these cans has been released...yet...

As Hall, Steiner, and the six women watch on the monitor, we sense bad things ahead for the Reverend...

REV. AL GREEN (Let's Stay Together) v. TANK AB[S]BOTT in a "Loser must put on a mask and appear weekly on WXO in a comedy role match" - whoops, the results of this match were already given away on another show! How embarrassing! (CO 1:12) On his way out, Abbott has some words with a fan in the front row, who is apparently BIG AL, the guy who watched Abbott's back at all those UFCs. Heenan says he's GOT to get up and interview him. Huh? Wendy's sponsors the replays of that devastating right hand. In a few angles, it doesn't even appear to land - that's a bad choice, I guess.

We cut back to the locker rom, where Hall, Steiner and females yuk it up.

BOBBY HEENAN asks Big Al to stand up and give us some grist for the mill. "Let's just say Tank and I have a real long history. And I'll tell you what - we've rode a lotta hard miles together, we've fought a lotta hard miles together. But this just makes me sick to my stomach...you know I know he thinks he's out here tearin' it up - he ain't nothin' but a sellout." Heenan asks him to repeat it, and he doesn't. The Cat's music starts - then stops. Heenan asks him to give us his name, despite Tenay and Schiavone already calling him Big Al - I'm so confused. He doesn't answer, at any rate. The Cat's music starts again...

And this time THREE-TIME WORLD KARATE CHAMPION THE CAT *is* out, having grown out - and coloured - his hair. He's also borrowed on of the Disco Inferno's suits. "You know, I was sittin' at home, and I heard how all my fans were lookin' forward to seein' me back in the ring - and you know I couldn't wait to get back here, baby. But I'm gonna tell you another thing - I'm here, and I'm gonna whoop EVERYBODY. And you know, I'm gonna tell you something - sit down, fat boy. Sit down. If you could get your fat ass over, come on up here - I'll start with you tonight, baby - but I'll tell you another thing - I'm gon' whoop everybody in this place. I'm gonna start in the locker room - I'm gonna start over here, then I'm gonna start over there, and then I'm gonna finish right in the middle wichoo, fat boy. But you know, I'm gonna show you people something. I'm gonna show you just how great I am. I practiced on a few moves, and I'm gon' show you people how they go - HIT MY MUSIC!" A little James Brown, a little robot. "I shook up the world, baby! I shook up the world! I got to be the Greatest! You people make me sick!" I've got to practice more restraint typing this stuff out...

As Al Green is loaded in the ambulance, Steiner gives him five bucks. Then he and Hall share another laugh.

Bam Bam Bigelow - IS - WALKING!

Terry Funk is WALKING! Whoops, now he's being chaired by Bam Bam Bigelow - guess it's starting back here...

TRIPPA B v. TERRY FUNK in a hardcore match - they brawl in the hall, they brawl out to some stands, Bigelow ties a rope around Funk's neck and drags him to the ring - ouch. Bigelow uses a chair for good measure. WHACK. WHACK. Is Funk taking the name of the Lord in vain? And why isn't he being muted? WHACK. How many of you hoped we'd not see Funk again after losing at Souled Out? Finally at the ring. Into the STEEL steps. Right cross. WHACK. Funk over the barricade into the first row. MIL MASCARAS in the crowd! - well, maybe not,. Notice Big Al has taken a hike - his segment's over, no need to watch the REST of this crap. In the ring as Bigelow says "$15,000" a few times. WHACK. Snapmare, headbutt - Bigelow working the shoulder here. Top-rope headbutt - MISSES! Funk up and peppering him with rights. Clothesline takes him over the top rope to the floor. Funk on the apron - ASAI MOONSAULT from the second rope! Funk's throwing a chair into the ring and he's got another one on his way in. WHACK! WHACK! WHACK! WHACK! Funk in command - but thinking about doing his wobbly knee stuff. Headbutt from Funk and they're both woozy. Another headbutt from Funk. Dick Murdoch style butt! One more - Tony and Bobby laughing. Heenan just expressing how much fun it is to watch Funk in the ring, but it'd be REAL easy to get a different impression - one which diminishes Funk a little more every week he comes out here. Bigelow with a bodyslam. He's going up top again - headbutt from the top hits this time. Bigelow says one more. Now FIT FINLAY & BRIAN KNOBS are out - apparently feeling some sort of hardcore kinship to Funk. Bigelow elbows a chair into Finlay, another bodyslam for Funk - going for a THIRD top-rope headbutt - Knobs puts the chair onto Funk before Bigelow lands on him. Funk placed on top of Bigelow - referee "Blind" Mickey J. counts - 1, 2, 3. (6:34) Well that gets a big ol' "WTF?" from me. Funk's got THE STICK! "Kevin Nash - you're gonna have to kill me to get rid of me. I'm gonna be a thorn in your side for the rest of my life - and I've got plans for you - on Thunder - as I am going to have some reinforcements, Nash - for you and the NWO - I'm bringin' it on - DEAD - MAN - WALKIN' - YEAH! You got that right!" Funk keeps talking even though we've cut away to

The Harris Brothers are WALKING! Don actually says "Piece of cake" several times as if he's aware of the camera's presence.

Sid Vicious, elsewhere, is WALKING!

THUNDER! ad features "Chris 'Champagne' Cannon" - is he related to Frank Cannon?

There's an ad for Steve Borden's TNT World Premiere movie - if I DO watch it, it'll be for Daisy Fuentes - but I probably won't

SID VISCOUS (with the TV-14-DLS ratings box) v. DON

Promotional consideration paid for by Meatballs & Mozzarella Lean Pockets from Hot Pockets, the city of Las Vegas, Frank's Red Hot, Plus+White toothpaste

"WCW Mayhem: the Music" CD spot - now selling at a brisk pace of about 23 units a week

(billy) KIDMAN (with Torrie Samuda) v. VAMPIRO (canadiense) - SuperBrawl X is at the Cow Palace 20 February - remind me to start harrassing Kevin about getting me some credentials - and maybe for Nitro at Arco on the 21st as well...Tenay notes how remarkable it is that the careers of both of these men have "really taken off, especially in the past couple of weeks." Hmmm. Vampiro with a showboat roundhouse, just to make him think a bit. Vampiro start the real offense with a gutshot and a nice snap suplex to start. Right, off the ropes, duck, Kidman with a headscissors. Gutshot, into the opposite corner, boot up from Vampiro, in the midsection - powerbomb throw - God help us, DAVID ARQUETTE & COURTNEY COX-ARQUETTE are in the crowd. David's been in the coke, apparently - big nose wipe there. All the matches you could break from to show us those yutzes and you pick this one. Yep. That other guy looks familiar, too...oh well. Backdrop suplex by Vampiro for 2. Unfamiliar rollup into a legbar, but Kidman's got the bottom rope. Vampiro stomping away. Into the opposite corner, boot up from Kidman, dropkick from the second rope. Right hand, kick, whip is reveresed, duck, kick ducked, Vampiro with a sidewalk slam for 2. Vampiro to the top - but the legdrop misses. Both men slow to get up - Kidman ducks a spinning heel kick and clotheslines Vampiro to the outside - now he's gonna fly - top-rope plancha!

Backstage with T&A - Funk putting ice on his nose, Anderson on the phone... "What are you doing? Where you at? Well, put your pants back on, willya? Listen, I got a proposition for ya - this time around, I say some other guys eat some of that desert dust. Can you be in Vegas for Thunder? Aha, I knew I could count on you, Champ. Yeah, you'll be there? All right man, I'm here with Funk, I'll let him know. See you then, yeah, thanks Champ. (to Funk) Done deal." Funk: "We'll show those son of a bitches!"

Meanwhile, the women massage Nash, who insists that things are all going according to schedule - "all part of the plan." Who does he sound like there? "You say those last two months sucked? Hey - all part of the plan!"

Goldberg hawks T-shirts

Gene O. attempts to interview Vampiro, but his mic appears to be non-functional. Maybe we'll get that later.

TOTAL PACKAGE (with Liz) v. BOOKA T. - commentators all but say it's Flair - guaranteeing it probably WON'T be Flair. Remember the last time they promised Ric Flair on a THUNDER? We didn't see him for four and a half months! "The Package has the Stick! No, Elizabeth has it." Rather weak "we want Sting" chant from the fans. Elizabeth introduces "the finest physical specimen in sports entertainment...the Total Package." Listen, I LOVE you guys, but you get no Luger transcript from me. He grows stronger in Sting's weakness, and something about his cowardly butt or something. Package tells us that no one can deter the path of the Total Package to claim his greatness - oh, and that includes the Immortal Hulk Hogan. The commentators suddenly leap all over Hogan's name and say it about a MILLION times - except Heenan. Package with the upperhand as T. climbs through the ropes. Off the ropes, duck, flying jalapeno from T. Right hand, right hand, right, off the ropes, back elbow to take him outside. Axehandle off the apron as T. joins him on the outside. To the barricade we go, back in the ring, slapping hands

"Jimmy Barron is a Cheap Bastard" report - thanks to 1-800-CAL-LATT

SuperBrawl 2000 is brought to you by SNICKERS! And it's Sunday, 20 February.

Gene O. apologises for the technical problems, and then says "if I didn't know better, I'd say the WWF might have sabotaged my microphone." What the HELL? Vampiro says he's very humbled, that he respects Kidman and he'd like a rematch at Thunder. Hmmm, would you trust a guy who looks like THAT? Kidman probably will...

DAVID FLAIR & CROWBAR & DAFFNEY come out, scare away all the commentators, and take the headsets. Clearly I'm being punished for something.

HARDCORE SOLDIERS FIT FINLAY & BRIAN KNOBS v. MAMALUKES (isn't that a Howard Jones cut?) BIG VITO & JOHNNY "THE BULL" (with Disco Inferno) for the tag team championship - You know, Devon Storm has a future as a commentator. Rather than watch this match, let's take a gander at STANDARDS & PRACTICES & MISS HANCOCK - Hancock is left alone as the gents walk to the back. Every few seconds Flair interrupts with "Do you like my crowbar?"

Backstage, Nash and Jarrett - are - WALKING! I think they're talking about David Arquette, too - a shudder just ran through me...

When we come back, our regular commentary team has apparently retaken their places. BIG POOCHIE is out - "GIVE NASH BETTER CATERING" sign - ha! Nash calls attention to a "HALL FEARS O'DOULS" sign, just for grins (I guess). "Lord Master is right. As commissioner, I have certain powers bestowed upon me. Those powers are stipulations in matches, and actual matches themselves." "Goldberg" chant. "You can chant his name all you want - he doesn't work here any longer. Tonight's match - Sid Vicious will face...the Commissioner (Big Sexy Kevin Nash) and I wanted to make this as fair as possible - since Sid uses the powerbomb, and I use the powerbomb, and it's so gosh-darn dangerous, I have decided this evening to OUTLAW the powerbomb. That being said, if Sid Vicious uses the powerbomb tonight, he will automatically forfeit the match - and the winner will be...yours truly, the Commissioner (Big Sexy Kevin Nash). You know it's really nice they let all you unemployed people in here tonight. Now if you're wondering where the rest of the NWO is at, we've kinda had some 'special' guests in the back for most of the night, and we have deci-thank you, I know I'm number one, sir, thank you - we've went ahead and since I am commissioner which is kinda like a president, we have sent an advance team onto Las Vegas as I speak, with the girls and ice cold beverages, to meet me, the Commissioner (Big Sexy Kevin Nash) for a one - for one...humdinger of a championship party to follow tonight's activities. So without further ado, please hit the commissioner's music."

Sid Vicious - is - WALKING! "ONE MISSION - ONE MAN - ONE CHAMPION!"

BIG POOCHIE v. SID VISCOUS for the World Heavyweight Championship - Nash apparently staying in the ring through the ad break...I hope, anyway. It's already two to the hour. There's NOBODY in the upper deck tonight - I wonder what the final numbers were on this - looks downright DISMAL. Tenay has the audacity to float some names for who it could have been on the phone - Heenan joins in - Piper, Flair, Dory Funk Jr., Jack Brisco. Lockup, Sid attempts a bodyslam - and hits it - legdrop - 2. Clothesline takes Nash out of the ring. Sid begs for cheers. Nash back up and back in