ZIMMERMAN'S REFLEXIVE PROPERTY OF WCW: WCW doesn't suck because CRZ says it sucks; WCW sucks because WCW sucks.

QUICK QUOTES: AOL 57 (+ 1/16), TWX 84 1/8 (+ 4 3/16), SPLN 36 3/4 (+ 1 7/16)

SUPERSIMILE: The NWO is like The Crystal Method. Think on this, I'll discuss it later.

The NWO talks amongst themselves in their dressing room while we hear David Penzer exhorting the crowd to make some noise. Did Jarrett say something about Sid putting the belt up on Ebay? Whaa?

WE ARE LIVE from the Convention Center in Tulsa, OK (hey, did you watch "Nightline" tonight? It was about Tulsa!) and forget the 7.2.2K PYRO! because Already In the Ring...

3 COUNT announces a contest - "win a date with 3 Count." Oooooooooohhh! Evan says "hit the music" even though the music's been playing for at least a minute...in fact the music's, speeding up and slowing down...

We cut to the production truck where Norman Smiley is apparently doing a little directing. Norman, you're on! DO something! Smiley's music plays. "Is that the Wiggle music?"

OUTRAGEOUS EVAN KARAGIAS (with Shane Helms & Shannon Moore) v. SCREAMIN' BLACK MAGIC - Let Us Take You Back Two Weeks where Smiley got Moore to submit - last week, Smiley got Helms to submit - hey, I wonder what'll happen THIS week?? Smiley dressed in Tulsa Oilers gear. Karagias gets the early advantage, but Smiley punches back. Euro forearm. Karagias pokes the eyes, sits on the top rope and brings Smiley out to the apron - he rolls back in - dueling suplexes, Smiley wins - Karagias brought back in the ring. Off the ropes, duck, gutshot, waistlock, standing switch, Smiley's doin' him in da butt and smackin' him up! Karagias turns it into a face jam. Helms up on the apron, Smiley sends Karagias into him with a collision. Helms tossed out of the ring, Karagias taken off the ropes, collision with MOORE (who'd been distracting referee "Blind" Billy Silverman), rollup, Smiley rolls out at 2 (slow count!), and holds onto the pants for good measure. 1, 2, 3. Well, they got me - I had it figured for a submission FOR SURE. (1:37) DANNY HODGE is in the crowd, and hopefully heavily medicated to explain that big cheer for Smiley. Post-match attack fails to materialise - Smiley grabs the mic and challenges all three men to a Handicap match at SuperBrawl. Geez, I thought they announced this on Saturday Night already?? Maybe I'm the only guy watching that show.

Your hosts are TONY SCHIAVONE & THE MARK - clearly a commentary fan's DREAM TEAM. Tonight, an I Quit match - Terry Funk vs. David (yes, David) Flair! Where lay Arn Anderson's loyalties? The Total Package will be talking! The Demon takes on Kidman! Booker no-T takes on the Wall! Stevie Ray draws Disco Inferno! All this and MORE!

Back in the locker room, J. Biggs leads two cops to some illegal contraband - apparently belonging to Booker

The NWO - is - WALKING!

Goldberg is once again eating SPREE in ads!

Hey! WCW's Sting (Steve Borden) stars in a TNT original -

"SHUTTERSPEED ENCORE PRESENTATION TONIGHT FOLLOWING NITRO" - well, at least they didn't spell it "Shudderspeed" this week

WOW! A "simulchat" to take place on WCW.com! Oops, it's at 10PM Eastern, so I already missed it. DAMN this split feed!

We spy a black limo outside the arena - my God, that's OSSIE DAVIS driving it! A lovely lady exits - another - a third - hey, that's no lady, that's Ric Flair! Is this the new IV Horsemen?

The main event at SuperBrawl is Sid Vicious vs. Jeff Jarrett (the Chosen One). Where I come from, we call that MINTING MONEY

The NWO walks to the ring - apparently the women all have names - Aileen, April, Kim - oops, that other one apparently DOESN'T have a name. Scott Steiner decked out in his "Godfather" - err, I mean "pimp" gear. Scott Hall got the mic - he's - he's - he's - gone mute once again. One Harris' voice breakers. The other one proclaims that the group standing in the ring is "the elite." HIS voice doesn't squeak. Steiner gets muted on "hooches," the women tell us how great a fuck Steiner is, then Steiner removes his purple jacket to reveal a Superman logo. Steiner badmouths Ric Flair's teeth, then suggests that WCW would have been better off hiring Buddy Rogers instead of "Nature Boy #2" Ric Flair, even taking into account the fact that Rogers has been dead over 35 years. Steiner...well, I HAVE to quote him now, I guess: "So when you walked down that aisle last week, I know I wasn't alone, 'cause the people at home, all they did was grab their remote, and change their channel to the WWF, and watch Stone Cold - a person you and your own friends got fired from here - 'cause you're a jealous old bastard. So Ric Flair, remember this: in this wrestling business, there's never been a bigger asskissing, butt[??] bastard in this business but also in life, you're the biggest asskissing - back - backstabbing, butt[??] bastard, and you belong where you're at in WCW, 'cause WCW SUCKS and so do you. Me, I'm just gonna stand right here in the NWO - 4 life." Ummm...so Jarrett takes the mic - ooh! He said "slapnuts!" Mark Johnson is named referee for the main event at SuperBrawl, and also there's a new stipulation: no DQ. As for tonight, even though Jarrett promised no title defenses until SuperBrawl, there WILL be a match for him tonight...against Scott Hall. Hall seems slightly taken aback at this development. Jarrett promises Hall will be all up in Vicious' ass tonight.

Booker and Midnight - are - WALKING! "They took my clothes - they took my music - but they NEVER gonna take my dignity, u understand?" Well, they already GOT the "T"...

Promotional consideration paid for by Slim Jim, WCW Nitro for men fragrance, and Judge Wapner's cash scam

Just to confuse me, the Nitro bumper has the THUNDER! music behind it

GENE O. is backstage with the Badlanders - As Crowbar and Daffney thumb wrestle, Flair says of tonight's match. "Gene, maybe this was meant to be - but TONIGHT, I'm gonna fight one of my father's battles for HIM tonight, GOT IT?" Crowbar tries the ol' "outside interference" to win the thumb wrestling.

They call it a "Legends Match" - Ric Flair vs. Terry Funk at SuperBrawl!

BOOKER (with Mydnyte) v. THE WALL - Booker comes out to Beaver Cleavage's theme - which means Ed Ferrara must be writing this angle, wink wink. No flames pyro, either. Lockup, into the corner, Booker ducks it and wails away. "Uhhhhhhh!" Into the ropes is reversed, big boot ducked, side kick. Ten Punch Count Along in the corner. Into the corner, big boot hits this time, lariat by the Wall. Booker tossed over the top rope - Tony mentions the "over the top-rope DQ" rule that was repealed like YEARS ago. After a scuffle outside, we're back in. Booker reverses and there's a sleeper hold. Wall hits a backbreaker across the knee to break it. Scoop - and a slam. Wall's going airborne! And he's finding nothing but the wrong end of a Harlem sidekick. Kick, off the ropes, axe kick. Breakdancing back up - Wall tries a lariat but Booker ducks and hits a uranage. He's going to the top for the missile dropkick but Wall hits the ropes and crotches him. Suddenly, we hear J. BIGGS on the mic - he's got a collar on and one arm is immobilised. Anyway, in the ring, Wall chokeslams Booker - 1, 2, 3. (3:22) Biggs leads TWO COPS in to arrest Booker - apparently for the assault and battery on Biggs from last week. So those would be LA cops, right? He's cuffed and led out. Tony says we've never seen somebody led out in cuffs before - and then, I think under his breath he says "except every time the Giant did an illegal powerbomb."

Brian Knobs busts in on the NWO and tells Jarrett he shouldn't have swerved him. Jarrett stumbles on "muhmemememory" but promises that tonight Knobs and Finlay will be in the same ring, now go away. Jarrett asks the room who should be the opponent after Knobs leaves and Bam Bam Bigelow is decided upon.

Meanwhile, Arn Anderson walks up to Funk and asks him if he's really going through with the match tonight. "A man's gotta do what a man's gotta do, Arn - especially when I don't know where you stand." Huh? Arn says after he sees how Funk handles the match, he'll let him know. "You said you were already gonna tell me where you stand, Anderson. You told me you'd tell me tonight. You said tonight, Arn! You said tonight!"

WCW and Surge are the perfect match! I hope they took the T. off all the Booker T. cans!

Lane and Idol have a chat - before they chase the rats, they're going to challenge the Mamalukes. "That'll get us on THUNDER!"

My God! It's STING! STING IS IN THE RING! STING IS--oh, wait, that's just

BARBARIAN v. TANK ABBOTT with shootfight rules - You would THINK that mention would be made of Barbarian's connection to Meng, what with him wearing his "Faces of Fear" tights and all, but...no. (Hand of Stone -> ref stop :54)

Backstage, we see that somebody had to bring the Demon's sarcophagus to the arena. Crowbar walks up to it - sees nobody around, and strikes a KISS air guitar pose...until hearing a familiar scream. "Coming!"

See WCW live this week! Tomorrow for THUNDER! in Oklahoma City, next Monday in Uniondale for Nitro. Tix on sale Wednesday for Uncensored in Miami, and Nitro in Providence! PLEASE buy a ticket! PLEASE!

The Kid Cam spies Torrie, who plants one on the lens, leaving a mark.

OKLAHOMA (the person, not the state) walks to the ring, clipboard in hand. I will cynically point out that somehow he's once again gotten the traditionally-highest rated segment to litter up. He proclaims himself the "general manager of the WCW Women's Division!" "Now we all know that women have no place in rasslin' - I've proved it time and again, but bless their hearts, some of 'em just keep tryin' and tryin' and I think that's just adorable." Oklahoma says, in the interest of protecting the performers, there will be frequent medical examinations for each woman on the roster - he'll be present for each and every one. He brings out DR. HEYWOOD JETER, a "world renouned cosmetic surgeon," who has some shocking news to share with all of us - Madusa is a client of his. He reveals he's done her eyes, nose, lips...and chest. And ass. Oklahoma says it isn't right and Madusa has no place in the Women's Division. "As Aretha Franklin once said, 'you make me feel like a natural woman.' Well, there ain't NOTHIN' natural about this woman, Madusa!" So Oklahoma feels like a...he...Jee-zus MADUSA is out and jiggling everywhere she can. After chewing out the doctor, there's a slap and a kick. Turning to Oklahoma something gets muted and there's a kick for him. Aww, her skirt rided up and everything. 'deuce breaks the clipboard over the doc's head. Then she puts a high heel in his crotch - and there's a kick. Oklahoma, at the top of the aisle, points menacingly. Oh, I guess that ISN'T her doctor...

Ric Flair and the women are - WALKING! Then they look at themselves on a monitor.

Meanwhile, Gene O. reveals that Terry Taylor will have some big news from the Executive Committee - right after this

Terry Funk - is - WALKING!

The Badlanders also - are - WALKING!

Gene O. stands with TERRY TAYLOR (with the TV-14-DLS ratings box). Taylor says they can't change the participants in the match, but they CAN change stipulations - so the special referee Mark Johnson is out. Also, for TONIGHT'S match, it WILL be a title match.

Here's a reaction shot from the NWO

Here's a reaction shot from your commentary team

Let Us Take You Back to 1989 and one of the greatest matches ever - Funk vs. Flair - "I Quit" Not to raise your hopes for THIS version...

TERRY FUNK v. DAVID FLAIR (with Crowbar & Daffney Unger) in an "I Quit" match - Flair sends his mates back. Your referee is Mickey J. Funk: "David, you understand what you're getting into - that this is an 'I Quit' match?" HE SAID IT! HE SAID IT! "Do you realise that - I'm gonna give you one chance - one chance right now to say 'I quit'" HE SAID IT TWICE! "before this goes on any further." "I'll go to hell before I'm quittin'..." "Let me tell you something, and you, Ric Flair, I know you're back there - why don't you come down here and face me in an 'I Quit' match? I know you've been World Champion 14 times and you should be proud of that. But I KNOW that you got your ass beat 14 times - you LOST the championship 14 times. Now forget about your kid and come down here and face me in the I Quit match - and I will kick your ass - the fifteenth--" and Flair chairs him. WHACK! WHACK! "Do you quit Funk? You quit?" "Hell no!" WHACK! WHACK! WHACK! Funk rolls out. Flair's out after him - no, he's under the apron - and finding a table. Setting it up outside the ring. Whip into the barricade is reversed and now Funk's on it. Pulling back the padding...piledriver onto the padding. "You better come down and get your kid Flair while he's still damn well alive. Get down here! Do you quit you little bastard?" "I ain't quittin'! I'm not quittin'!" And now - PILEDRIVER ON THE CONCRETE! Funk again asking for Ric Flair. We look at the entranceway - nothing. Funk has Flair on the table - PILEDRIVER ON THE TABLE! "We want Flair!" chant from the crowd. Funk producing another table from beneath the ring...and setting it up. "Come on Flair! I'm gonna break his neck!" Flair placed on the second table - and he's got a chair - right across the back. Funk gives Flair five seconds to show up or he'll "come off on him." 5 - 4 - 3 - 2 - 1 - 0 ... nobody. "Well, you are still the [??] - you say I live on a chicken ranch - I don't have any [God damn chickens] like you. I don't need to beat on this kid anymore, Flair - I'm not gonna beat on him - I'll quit tonight but I damn sure ain't quittin' when I get you out here in this same kinda match. (Funk quits 6:36) You banana-nosed, pig-eyed, lyin', cheatin', evil...banana-nosed [bastard!]" "We want Flair! We want Flair! We want Flair!" Now Funk leads the chants. The trainer is out to check on David...

MIKE TENAY watches on a monitor backstage - and shakes his head. Arn Anderson comes across him and says get a camera crew, I'll be ready in two minutes.

Promotional consideration paid for by Slim Jim (that's our two Savage impresssions for the night), French's mustard, and Jolly Time Blast'O'Butter popcorn

AGAIN the THUNDER! theme plays. How confusing! Which show IS this?!?

Another "Shutterspeed" ad

Here you go, TCF: "Some people say 'Sid, you're the millennium man, that you stand on the highest mountain.' I say no man should cast a stone and knock me down for I am the master Hahahahahahahahaaaaa and the ruler of the world." Now doesn't that make YOU want to Buy the Shirt?

"Moments Ago" footage showed David Flair wielding the chair, Funk piledriving Flair through the table, and Flair being led off by the ref and the trainer.

Mike Tenay stands with ARN ANDERSON. "What a difference a few days make - last Thursday, I said that guys like Terry Funk and Ric Flair made me proud to call myself a wrestler. And I see what took place tonight - that's one beating that David Flair didn't have to take, Ric. I almost wanna agree with Scott Steiner right now, and that makes me want to puke! The fact is Terry Funk didn't have to go out and make an example out of a 20 year old, mixed up kid! He didn't have to use him as a pawn and Ric, you didn't have to let it happen, because somewhere in this building, with these three broads, you're back here dancing around trying to be Ric Flair, when you SHOULD have been that kid's father and went down and stopped this! Yeah, I'm running through a lot of emotion through my mind right now, Ric, and everybody asked me which side do I take, well Terry Funk after you did that, and after you let it happen, Ric, you know what I'm gonna do, for the first time in my life, I'm gonna bow out - I'm gonna bow out of not only your scrape and your situation, and W situation, WCW's situation, I feel like stepping out of the human race because what I just saw made me sick to my stomach and I don't want any part of it."

DISCO INFERNO (with the Paisans) v. STEVIE RAY (with Big T & J. Biggs) - Inferno sidesteps a charge and works the body - Ray comes back with a kick off the ropes. Scoop - and a slam - blatant choke - where's the ref? Ahhh, referee "Blind" Charles Robinson is on the outside trying to keep all the seconds apart. In the ring, there's a back body drop. The rest of the OFFICIATING CORPS is out to help everybody back to the back. Into the corner, clothesline from Stevie Ray. Back to the first corner, Inferno ducks it and hits a side Russian legsweep - second rope elbowdrop - 1, 2, no. Five Punch Count Along, into the opposite corne, elbow up, kick up - going into the tights for the blackjack - Disco ducks it - off the ropes, swinging neckbreaker. Disco spies the weapon about the same time as Robinson - they BOTH go for it and Robinson wins that battle. Inferno turns back around to eat a gutshot and Pedigr--I mean, Slapjack. 1, 2, 3. (2:23)

Later Tonight: Scott Hall vs. Sid Vicious! The graphic don't lie!

Jarrett takes Hall aside for a heart to heart. Hall brings up his World War 3 '97 win! Hall says if he wins the belt, it'll stay in the family - no, he's just kidding. He promises he's only going to soften him up for Jarrett.

Gene O. stands with Sid Vicious, who says he's tricked the NWO every time. Hall faces the final extinction - total oblivion - his career will be - OVER! That wacky Sid - surely he's the SMARTEST MAN ALIVE!

Superstar Series/Nitro Girls Swimsuit Calendar videos ad

Don't forget - THUNDER! is on Wednesday! Mike Tenay and Bobby Heenan are your hosts! Scott Hudson, consider yourself SCREWED!

As Flair and the women pile into the limo, Flair addresses the camera - Arn Anderson is in over his head - he had something special for him tonight, but don't worry - he'll take care of it.

TRIPPA B v. HAPPY HARDCORE BRIAN KNOBS for the Hardcore championship - Let Us Take You Back One Week where Total Package "broke" Knobs' wrist. Did you forget that FIT FINLAY is the special guest referee? He actually comes out with Knobs, although they're arguing all the way down - something's muted in here. Bigelow tosses a trashcan onto Knobs' noodle and it's on. Outside goes Bigelow - into the hamper goes Knobs. Trashcan lid shot. Trashcan shot. Into the barricade. Broken arm across the STEEL steps. Bigelow has a crutch - onto the arm. Rolled into the ring. COOKIE SHEET! Ladder set up in the corner, right, whip into the ladder is reversed, but Bigelow avoids the charge and Knobs eats it,

Later tonight: a graphic!

Lane & Idol make fun of Disco Inferno - "How's your ass feel? 'Cause it just got kicked!" The Mamalukes promptly start the fight...

Meanwhile, Torrie & Kidman - are - WALKING!

Time now for the Jimmy Barron Cheap Bastard Road Report - Uniondale, Long Island is the site for the Valentine's Day Nitro! Free tickets will be available shortly!

SuperBrawl ad has a lot of Hart and Nash in it - heh heh heh - it's 20 February

While DJ Ran encourages the crowd to get rowdy, we take another look at that clip from "Shutterspeed" - the simulchat is NEXT!

Here's a look at Steve Borden appearing on "The Late Show," but we don't get to hear any of it

Gene O. asks the Cat just where the heck he's been the past three months - he says he's been hangin' out with James Brown - in fact, James Brown will appear with him on THUNDER! Hey, you know what would be funny? JB will probably get BETTER numbers than Hulk Hogan!

BILLY KIDMAN (with Torrie Samuda) v. THE DEMON - His first name is (finally?) BACK! Let Us Take You Back Three Weeks and notice that Kidman's built up quite a win streak since all his friends left for the WWF. (Isn't there a loss to Vampiro in here, too? Oh well) Hey, isn't that "God of Thunder" song on the "Stone Cold Metal" CD? We take a look back to see Crowbar banging his head. Demon with the UGLIEST springboard elbowdrop I've EVER seen. Most over man in this ring? That's right, Torrie! Finisher for Kidman is a top-rope Frankensteiner. (2:40) Post-match, CROWBAR runs out and lays out Kidman. Then he bows at the feet of the Demon with salaams aplenty.

Here's a look at Sid Vicious - he says something very very softly - then cackles

The Total Package and Elizabeth are WALKING! Luger's "Sting" chair has been replaced with a "Hulkster" chair, whoopee!

The NWO talks strategy - apparently, Jarrett's been ignoring his ringing cel phone all show...

Hulk Hogan vs. The Total Package is a Special Attraction at SuperBrawl! Are you excited?

If the carpeting is on the entrance way, then TOTAL PACKAGE & LIZ must be walking to the ring - Let Us Take You Back to THUNDER! and the Hogan, Package, and Liz segment - oh and the fake Sting. I know what you're thinking - a FAKE STING? Who would ever have THOUGHT? "Last Wednesday on Thunder, we witnessed a real treat and the return of the Immortal Hulk Hogan. But you see, Hogan, you made one huge mistake as you made your State of the Union address to the Total Package, 'cause you included me - you questioned my track record in this sport, which is unprecedented - I've won every major title and I've looked better than everyone else doing it for 14 years, at 6'4", 270 pounds and 4% body fat twelve months a year, 52 weeks a year, every day of my life! How DARE you, Hogan, question me! You WERE on the mountain top, looking down at everyone else but not anymore, 'cause you're lookin' at the present and the future man - the Total Package of professional wrestling! And you're gonna find out at SuperBrawl WHY I'm the man, 'cause you won't be calling me a comedy act when I put you in the Rack and break you in two - you won't be laughing then - when I break your arm, you won't be laughing then! So I get the last laugh! And seeing how you're not even in the building anymore, I want to call out a nan who everyone in this sport knows has been, and always will be your best friend, to deliver a very important personal message, and his name is the Mouth of the South, Jimmy Hart. Now I want him to have his microphone ready - come on out, JIMMY HART. Here's a man who besides the women standing next to me, is probably the greatest manager in the history of professional wrestling. Managed all of the greats - isn't that right Liz? Come on up, Jimmy - I don't know what we'd do without you here - this man is in the back, running the show and making things happen. He has one of the greatest minds of this sport, and I just wanted to have him out here to deliver this personal message, Jimmy welcome." Hart says he doesn't work for Western Union, but if he wants to know about Hogan, he came to the right man. "You know, Lex, all you are is a Hulk Hogan wanna-be. In your lifetime, you will never ever sell out as many arenas all over the world that Hulk Hogan has sold out. Lex, in your lifetime, you will never ever sell as much merchandise as Hulk Hogan has sold all over the world, in your lifetime, baby!" Hart says more people watch Hogan pick up his mail than appear at house shows to see Luger - OUCH. Finally, every time he picks up a WCW cheque, he's stealing money. Hart tells Package to tell Hogan himself. Package says hearing the chants, he feels like he's in a time warp. He asks Hart to deliver the message - that he dared to put his hands on Elizabeth - he doesn't have the vicious streak of Luger...then he puts Hart in the Rack. Well, that was worth it. The music plays, but Luger cuts it off. "Now Jimmy Hart, after you go to the doctor's, I want you to deliver a message that I'll see Hogan at SuperBrawl - after I break your arm..." and then he breaks Hart's arm in the chair, just like he'd done for Sting and Knobs earlier.

Scott Hall - is - WALKING!

Sid Vicious is chanting "SID! SID! SID!" (and WALKING!)

"Shutterspeed" is NEXT! DAISY FUENTES ES MUY CALIENTE!