QUICK QUOTES: AOL 55 3/4 (- 1 1/4), TWX 82 3/4 (- 1 3/8), SPLN 41 7/8 (+ 5 1/8)

Hey Monique, thanks for the flowers. I sent them along to Mike.

Poor WCW - they FINALLY get a chance to get me all to themselves and the WWF goes and has a live event in my backyard!

Wow! An "ER" promo for Nitro! Luger/Funk! Flair/Hogan! LIVE from New York! Stick around, it's - NEXT!

TV-14-DLS clips from last week's Nitro - Hall and Vicious for the title - Jarrett conking Hall's coconut - closed captioned symbol - clips from THUNDER! - Nash phones it in - Jarrett says "slapass" - and we have no decisive finish. Meanwhile, Flair talks to Luger (tho' we never see him). Tonight: Package and Funk go one on one! Flair and Hogan do battle! Who will face Sid Vicious for the world title? Here's a neat time-elapsed shot of NYC - even though we're on Long Island...

HERE WE ARE! LIGHT THE PYRO - as it's LIVE from the Nassau Colesium in Uniondale, LI 14.2.2K it's WCW Monday Nitro on TNT! The commentary is cut off in mid-sentence because

Nothing must interfere with the WCW logo! I don't know about you, but *I* was worried we wouldn't see it!

THUNDER! clips show Nash making his return (via satellite) and reclaiming his commissionership. Nitro clips of Funk and Flair (comma David) and THUNDER! clips of Dustin Rhodes making his return. Even older THUNDER! clips of Hogan and Package, back to last week's THUNDER! with Flair talking to - somebody. Clips from last week's THUNDER! and the big Hall/Jarrett match - with no decision. I'm ALREADY dizzy!

JEDOUBLE JADOUBLEREDOUBLET, HEAVY D, BIG RON, and THE WOMEN come out to the ring to make noise. No, wait, the women are sent away. Well, that was fun while it lasted. A Harris (picks one) says that the three men in the ring are the elite - the NWO. The other Harris says that the NWO isn't dead - the only thing that's dead is anybody that gets in the NWO's way. Jarrett takes THE STICK and says "stroke" a few times, "slapnuts" a few times, and "the Chosen One" a few more times. Crowd chants something that gets muted - what COULD it be. Jarrett promises to walk out of SuperBrawl the WCW Champion. The video wall activates and Kevin Nash again appears via satellite, brandishing a silver bat and bookended by "nurses." Jarrett says he has a plan to stay acting commissioner - he has the Harrisses put ring announcer DAVID PENZER in the assisted neckbreaker position - Jarrett says cut off the satellite feed or they'll break his neck. Jarrett's a GENIUS! Jarrett says the bottom line is ... at the Cow Palace, he'll become the NEW WCW Heavyweight champion, now hit his music! But the music is not Jarrett's, but that of the Wolfpac...is KEVIN NASH in the house? Yep - out in a wheelchair (complete with "Mr. McMahon" on the back - oops, sorry) with his two NURSES. "You know, Jeff, I figured you'd pull something like this. I know what you're thinking right now, Jeff. You're figurin' you got your two goons out there, and you three can come down here and do something 'cause all I got is my two beautiful nurses. You know something Jeff? I got a bat in my hand - and if you guys wanna come down here, you don't have to worry so much about that bat, because you see when they surgically redid my foot, and they put a plate and seven screws in it, this size 15 o' mine with all that fiberglass on it - don't worry, it'll still fit right up your (ass)." How come Nash can't say "ass" but Jarrett can say "slapass?" Nash calls himself "Ironside 2000." Nash said he made a match between Jarrett and Hall to determine the #1 Contender, but there was no winner. Therefore, he names BOTH Hall and Jarrett #1 contenders and at SuperBrawl they and Sid will dance for the title! Nash ALSO says that he went to SCORES.

Your commentary team is TONY SCHIAVONE & THE MARK. Tonight, Jarrett and Vicious - Hulk Hogan will take on Ric Flair - Terry Funk takes on the Total Package - The Marmalutes are in action (oops, dog show on the brain), Screamin' Norman Smiley in action, Bam Bam Bigelow in action, AND a "very special Valentine's Day 2000 treat for all the gentlemen." Plus a few ads for Diamond Dallas Page's book.

Backstage, Ric Flair, Total Package and Elizabeth have ARRIVED! Package and Flair talk about Arn Anderson, I think, but it's cut off before it gets interesting.

Meanwhile, 3 Count practices their dance steps!

Meanwhile, Screamin' Norman Smiley talks to Lane & Idol - well, Lane's talking to a rat, actually.

Meanwhile, Miss Handcock is WALKING!

In the bowels of the building, Tank Abbott is shadowboxing!

Meanwhile, 3 COUNT in the ring. Karagias talks a bit about the "win a date with 3 Count contest." Once again, "Can't Get You Out of My Heart" is started, and once again, before we get anywhere near the chorus, their music is interrupted by

SCREAMIN' NORMAN SMILEY and LANE v. 3 COUNT in a Handicap Match - Smiley is dressed as an Islander 'cause he's a suck-up. Didn't Lane have another name? Why isn't he "Enal" anyway, if Lodi is now "Idol?" Is it 'cause it sounds too much like "Anal?" Oops. Tripleteam on Lane, out of the ring, Shannon Moore working over Smiley. Off the ropes, slides under, spin kick to take him out of the ring. Dropkick for Lane. Lane backdrops him over to the apron - Moore hits a moonsault onto Smiley - sorta. Helms into the ring to work on Lane. Lane takes charge with an atomic drop, puts him down, then launches himself off Helms' back into a tope con hilo that unfortunately completely misses - he hits Smiley a bit but actually lands on his head and back. Owch. Helms decides to come off the top rope with a senton bomb-alike. Karagias is on top - plancha! WHEN WHITE GUYS THINK LUCHA! Helms and Lane back in the ring - suplex. Karagias in - dropping his partner on Lane - 1, 2, no. MISS HANDCOCK is out and her legs are greased up nicely. In the ring, Helms backdrops Moore onto Lane. Kicking away. Knucklelock, climbing the turnbuckles with no hands, on his shoulders, but Lane drops him. We look over at Miss Handcock with the headset on. Off the roipes, duck, flying headscissors. "You know, Mr. Schiavone, they don't know what they're missing - they should have never gotten rid of me." Helms with a frog splash on Lane. Tag to Karagias - on the top rope but crotched when Lane runs into the corner. Handcock sure breathes heavily into the mic. Sunset flip into a running Ligerbomb on Lane. Into the ropes, Lane manages a kick, a jawbreaker, and a tag. Smiley takes Moore off the ropes - SWOOP SLAM! Time to do it in da butt and smack his bitch up! Speaking of which, Handcock, who has let her hair down, gets up on the table and starts making her skirt ride up in time with some Nitro Grrl music so we can see her cheeks. Umm, I stopped watching the match. That's okay, 'cause everybody's stopped wrestling to watch her.

Promotional consideration paid for by Slim Jim (Savage), Jolly Time Blast O' Butter popcorn, and IceSport from Aqua Velva! Three great tastes that TASTE GREAT TOGETHER!

Goldberg eats SPREE!

When we come back, 3 Count is STILL in the ring, singing - well at least they've FINALLY made it to the chorus! And now here comes TANK ABBOTT. Seeya. The ring is cleared. Backstage we see Al Green and Meng. Meng says "And I'm not? I'm not?" I wonder what Green said to lend context to what Meng said. Oh well.

RIC FULLER v. TANK ABBOTT (already in the ring) - The returning Fuller must have turned Klingon, as his first name is now Kahless. Abbott picks a fight with BIG AL in the front row, who is promptly escorted out of the building. I blinked and missed this. Welcome, back, Fuller! (ref stop :33) I will note that once again Abbott left the ring before a decision had been reached. Oh well, nobody ELSE cares.

Earlier Today, MIKE TENAY interviewed Tank Abbott. As they talk about the UFC, clips are shown ... from WCW. Well, it's practically the same thing, right? Abbott says he was the only true fighter in the Ultimate Fight. His primary goal was to hurt people, and his win-loss record was secondary - well, that explains all those losses. He can bench press 625, and he's honed his boxing skills, but he can't seem to lose that gut. Turning to Big Al, Abbott says that he watched his back but developed some problems with him being in WCW - he doesn't understand what he's doing. He wants a "skins match" with Abbott, so Abbott asked WCW for one for SuperBrawl. The object of a skins match is to grab a leather jacket off of a pole. The object of a skins match is to grab a leather jacket off of a pole. The only thing he's interested in right now is settling this with Big Al. The object of a skins match is to grab a leather jacket off of a pole.

Jarrett is on the cel phone with - who? I guess an Executive Committee member - he says there's a precedent, and tonight's match MUST be a title match! "We've got 'em on the ropes now!"

Dustin Rhodes asks all us kids to leave the rasslin' to the professionals

Surge ad

Hey! The Valentine's Day present is the return of the NITRO GRRRRRLS! Well, Chae, Spice and...that other one, anyway. HEY! What happened to Spice's HAIR?

GENE O. works tonight! He stands in the back with the Artists and Paisley.

BILLY KIDMAN (with Torrie Samuda) & VAMPIRO (with Nobody) v. LA PARKA & THE ARTIST FORMERLY KNOWN AS PRINCE IAUKEA (with Paisley) - Strangely enough, Psychosis' music sneaks inbetween Vampiro and Parka's for a brief instant. Oh, Vampiro doesn't have the Misfits theme anymore - in fact, didn't Kidman have this music many months ago? What's that? "Who cares besides you?" Touche. Schiavone says since the Artist adopted the new persona, he's really turned things around. Yeah, "Prince Iaukea" was a World Television Champion, and "the Artist" has never won ANY belt. Kidman and Vamprio doubleteam the Artists to start, now a Pier Four Brawl breaks out. Parka is out, Vampiro takes his place on the apron. It's all Kidman. Kidman over to tag Vampiro, who didn't realy want to come in. La Parka tagged in as well. Parka doing the La Parka dance, lockup, Vampiro with an open-handed slap, and a backhand that takes him to the mat. Pounding on his back. Off the ropes, reversed, the Artist kicks Vampiro in the back and Vampiro pretends it didn't happen (hey, THAT'S professional) - off the ropes, Parka with a gunshot slap, one to the back, strut, in the corner, tornado DDT is countered, Vampiro slides out, but Parka hits a Russian legsweep for 2. Vampiro ducks a spin kick and hits one of his own. Parka goes outside. He's gonna fly! Tope suicida finds the mark! The Artist is over and pounding on him. Schiavone calls him "The Artlist" and I almost thought I heard "the Arli$$" and REALLY started worrying. Scoop - and a slam. Artist to the top rope - but Vampiro puts a foot up. I (and the cameras) missed how it started, but we cut to Torrie and Paisley catfighting on the outside and Kidman breaking it up - unfortunately, Vampiro was trying to make a tag and finding nobody there. Is the Artist wearing DDP's old tights from five or six years ago? La Parka is tagged, off the ropes, duck, Vampiro puts both faces on the mat, then angrily tags in Kidman. Dropkicks all around - tornado bulldog for La Parka, we cut to see Vampiro walking away, La Parka taken off the ropes, kick, the Artist with a WACK DDT (Kidman's head ends up in the Artist's crotch) - 1, 2, 3. (3:29) Wow, I don't know about you, but I can't WAIT until the Vampiro/Kidman match - THIS is how you set up a PPV matchup! OH YES! PERFECT! Castrol Motor Oily brings you the replays. MAN that was an ugly DDT.

In the back, Terry Funk tapes up!

Meanwhile, Nash is on the phone...with the Executive Committee, I guess. He says, go ahead and make it a title match.

Meanwhile, the Marmalutes want to grab a cheese sandwich, but Disco Inferno takes them into a tent - where it's a big family wedding reception! This segment can best be described as "an Olive Garden ad gone horribly wrong."

Hey! The Kings on TNT tomorrow!

Want to watch WCW live and heckle them in person? Tomorrow, Philly hosts THUNDER! Tix on sale Friday for THUNDER! in Fairfax, Salem, Gainesville for Nitro, and THUNDER! for Orlando!

Closed captioning brought to you by America (ha!) Online!

RHONDA "MONSTER RIPPER" SING v. MOANER - WOW! Sing's got HEADLIGHTS! HEY! Mona still has a job! OH BOY! OKLAHOMA is out! I suddenly lost ALL my interest in this segment! Oklahoma, who was put in charge of the women's division on some THUNDER! I apparently missed, takes THE STICK and lets us know that the Monster Ripper is "my girl." He's found a role in the women's division for MADUSA - guest referee. Oklahoma hits the commentary table and confuses me by mentioning Dr. Death's name. Sign apparently unafraid to use her body as a weapon. Madusa completely misses her first pin count. Now, for no apparent reason, Madusa and Sing are having words. Mona trying a Sunset flip, but Oklahoma over to hold Sing's hands to prevent it from being completed. Madusa kicks the hands apart. Sing pounds on Madusa, then sits on Mona. So she never really needed that leverage anyway. Oklahoma comes in and counts a 3. (2:14) Sing kisses Oklahoma. Sing has Mark Jindrak's music - I mean Mike Tolbert's music - I mean Chris Jericho's old music!

Here's another look at the wedding reception - if I were Italian and working for WCW, I'd try joining that lawsuit everyone's talking about. "Grandma" tells Vito not to spit. This actually takes quite a bit lot longer than you think it should. Did C.G. Afi get fired?

Meanwhile, Jarrett says that it'll be announced in the next segment that he's got a title shot tonight.

Meanwhile, Terry Funk is a dead man WALKING!

Meanwhile, the Total Package and Elizabeth and their chair are all WALKING!

Gene O. stands with Ric Flair, who says that Hogan is just an obstacle on his way to Sunday and Terry Funk. And Package will have no trouble with Funk tonight. Woooo! Woooo! Wooooo!

THE NARCISSIST (with Liz)

Backstage, Gene O. says Nash has a big announcement - tonight's match between Vicious and Jarrett WILL be a title match - but the title up for grabs is Jarrett's US title!

Meanwhile, Jarrett, Harris & Harris throw furniture and a tantrum.

Meanwhile, Nash has his pulse checked. He needs some medicine. So a nurse sprays Redi-Whip into his mouth. Nash is just so clever.

Meanwhile, Sid Vicious watches TV - looks confused - then raises his eyebrow - then starts cackling. What's he watching, the dog show?

Promotional consideration paid for by Joe Theismann's Inholtra, Sauder furniture, and IceSport from Aqua Velva (again)

Goldberg might still be injured, but that doesn't mean you don't want to buy his shirt!

Back at the wedding reception, the bouquet is tossed - and Daffney catches it. Suddenly, David Flair and Crowbar shove the Mamalukes onto a table, upend the catering tables and (of course) stuff the cake in their mugs.

HARLEM HEAT (with J. Biggs) v. DAVID FLAIR & CROWBAR (with Daffney Unger) v. PAISANS (with Disco Inferno) in a three-way dance for the tag team titles - the Badlanders, still wearing cake, are jumped in the aisle by the ...why do they keep calling them "Marmalutes?" DOG SHOW!

We cut backstage to see the relatives sobbing. Check out the girl in the green, she keeps sneaking glances into the camera in-between fits of "acting."

We cut to Gene O. who stands with Chris "Champagne" Kanyon. His movies don't go straight to video. He KNOWS acting, and Dustin Rhodes is no actor. Is J. Biggs still his agent? Why does his title belt say "THE KING?" When will I stop asking questions and just let it happen?

Meanwhile, Bam Bam Bigelow is WALKING! Did I just hear him say he was looking FORWARD to his match with the Wall? Naahhh, must have been hallucinatin'.

WCW Superstar Series video ad - Sid Vicious and Sting - and the Nitro Girls' Swimsuit Special - how many of them have been fired since they taped it? Two, three?

Vito gets off the stretcher, then tells Disco and Johnny to get off their stretchers. "You get Mean Gene! We'll take care of this, Italian style!" Geez, give me MORE segments with these guys. PLEASE. IT'S SO FUCKING ENTERTAINING.

TRIPPA B v. THE WALL for the Hardcore title - Let Us Take You Back to Bigelow's squash of the Demon, followed by Knobs' sneak attack immediatley following. Bigelow has his hamper full of plunder, Wall brings a ladder. Garbage can! Ladder! Chair! This match has it all! Missed headbutt! Kendo stick! Does it matter who does what? Table seesaw! Chair!

Gene O. stands with a room full of I-talians. Vito says it's now an Italian Stretcher match. HOLY SHIT! NOT *THE* ITALIAN STRETCHER MATCH?!?

Jimmy Barron is a cheap bastard - PLEEEEEEEASE buy tickets to SuperBrawl. PLEEEEEEEEASE! This building is half full! Come ON!

NitroGirls.COM spot - hmm, we're down to six, apparently. Skye, Tygryss, Chamylyon, Chyquyta, Baby, and Spice. I guess Chae got the axe, too? I guess Storm changed her name? I guess Spice is a redhead? These questions and many more will be answered....ah, who gives a rat's ass anymore

Hey, look - it's the NITRO GRRLS! I don't think I've seen them wearing less...

Clips of Hogan and Jimmy Hart appearing on "Imus in the Morning" on WFAN this morning. Nice of Jimmy Hart to go castless, by the way - at least in THIS clip they avoid showing that.

DUSTIN RHODES v. CHRIS "CHAMPAGNE" KANYON (with two Nitro Grrls?) - Let Us Take You Back to THUNDER! and show you the outcome of the impromptu Flair/Rhodes match. Kanyon talks about wrestlers claiming they're Hollywood - "I am! I am Hollywood!" Rhodes rolls him up - but only gets 2. Kanyon punches, then takes Rhodes over the top rope to the floor. He's out after them - got a chair - referee "Blind" Billy Silverman takes it from him - Kanyon turns around and the chase is on - fortunately, Rhodes clotheslines him to save the ref. Back in the ring we go, off the ropes, bulldog. That should be it, right? Rhodes points to the corner, puts Kanyon in the corner, punches, sets up Shattered Dreams, calls to the crowd, takes FOREVER...and hits it anyway. This doesn't hurt Kanyon, though, 'cause he kicked the turnbuckle - oh sorry. Whip into the ropes is reversed, chokeslam by Rhodes - 1, 2, 3. (1:47) So long, Chris.

In the back, Ric Flair does SQUATS!

Meanwhile, Gene O. stands with Hogan & (now wearing a cast) Jimmy Hart. Tonight, he'll bury two bodies in New York - Flair AND Luger. Hogan actually says "What'cha gonna do?"

Booker is WALKING!

Gene O. stands with Booker, calls him "Booker T.," and asks him about the "Leave it to Beaver" music. Booker says they can keep playing it because it's a reminder of what he's gonna do to Big T at SuperBrawl. The TV-14-DLS ratings box reappears as we head into the third hour.

THE DEMON v. BOOKA - Entertainment reporter Tony Schiavone gives us our KISS report - final tour, check, live album, check, thanks very much. David Penzer calls him "Booker T." - does NO ONE remember the storyline around here? Demon gets the first shot, off the ropes, back elbow, 1, no. Into the ropes, duck, flying forearm smash by Booker. Kick, kick, spin kick. Kick, off the ropes, axe kick, breakdance, off the ropes, spinebuster, 1, 2, 3. (1:02) "That's really the first time we've seen the Demon really taken apart." Yeah, except for last THUNDER! - a match we saw in its ENTIRETY in a highlight clip earlier tonight.

Ric Flair is WALKING!

Meanwhile, Hulk Hogan is WALKING!

THUNDER! ad - "The Artist Formerly Known as Prince" takes on Psychosis. Wow, THE Artist Formerly Known as Prince? What? Tony probably just forgot to say "Iaukea?" Well, THAT'S not as much fun, then, is it.

MICHAEL BUFFER is out. A TV-14-LV ratings box makes a rather confusing cameo. Hmm, no D, no S, but V! Is somebody gonna BLEED?

THE MAN v. YOU KNOW WHO - I suppose I should feel honoured to get to call a match of this magnitude. I suppose. Hogan comes out to an "old" Hulkster T-shirt, 'cause they're easier to rip (check that "classic" WCW logo!) I like the "HOGAN - PLEASE RETIRE" sign. Lockup, to the corner, Hogan shoves Flair back into the syllable. Lockup, off the ropes, Hogan knocks him down. Flair tries again, and goes down again. Both men raring back, referee "Blind" Nick Patrick coming between them and saying "no punches" - good luck.

Gene O. stands with Sid Vicious. Because I love you, I transcribe Sid Vicious for you: "Answer this question - is everything Jeff Jraaa tried to do to me, has it backfired on him? Yes it has. Jeff Jarrett, see you have oi or - no excuse me - you are asking for something you really don't want - see I've never held two belts at one time, so it might be just a little bit sweet - let me tell you something, see - tonight is the night that you bow down to the master - you and Scott Hall - I own BOTH of you - because I am the master - and I am the ruler - of the world."

Geez, how long IS this show? THREE TIME WORLD KARATE CHAMPION AND THE GREATEST OF ALL TIME THE CAT is out - on his way down, he says "James Brown" a couple hundred times. He asks GENE O. to get in the ring with him. Okerlund says Cat would be sorry that he invited him in the ring. "You lied to me, you lied to all of these people, you have lied--" "Gene, shut up and grow some hair! Tonight is a big night for me, get out of the ring!" Cat says he knows a bunch of people think he's a buncha crap - he knows James Brown and James Brown is his man, and so on. James Brown will be out - but there's one problem; he's a little nervous. He's never been in front of such a big stupid redneck crowd before. Cat says Brown can do his magic from backstage and Cat will shake up the world from here. A voice backstage says "Heeeey!" and some James Brown music starts up - Cat dances away (including the Robot!) but ANOTHER voice pipes up. "Nonono, wait a minute - no - cut it! This music has no soul! Cat, PLEASE." Oh, wigga, please, it's THE MAESTRO. "You don't know James Brown - the people know the Maestro and his piano is the star of the show, and let's face it - musically you can't go toe to toe with the 'stro. You should be ashamed of yourself!" Cat says something about his momma, and sticking his piano up his (mute), then he leaves the ring to run after the Maestro. Was THIS a "final quarter hour" angle? OH HELL YEAH!

Jeff Jarrett and the Harris Twins are WALKING!

Meanwhile, Sid Vicious is also WALKING! He's also talking to...somebody...

Meanwhile, Kevin Nash is on the phone with...

SuperBrawl promo - already seems out of date

Michael Buffer is out one more time. Jarrett's a five-time world champion? I'm running late, I'll figure that out later. Say, can you smell the screwjob? Even though Jarrett's belt is on the line, Jarrett is out first and Vicious is out second. Interesting.

JEDOUBLEF JADOUBLEREDOUBLET v. SID VISCOUS for the United States Heavyweight Championship - Jarrett strikes before the bell - Sid reverses a whip and clotheslines him. Whip, Jarrett slides under...and gets clotheslined. Right hand. In the corner, Ten Punch Count Along. Clotheslined out of the ring. He follows. Kick. Dropped on the barricade. Sent into the commentary table. Vicious up on top of the table. Water bottle to the temple, that's GOTTA hurt! Back out on the floor - Vicious with a double fist - that's a powder puff chairshot there. Got Jarrett in the choke - as referee "blind" Mickey J. extricates the chair from the ring, Jarrett kicks him squaarn the nuts. Right. Right, right, right, off the ropes, sleeper! Crowd goes MILD for Sid! Sign in crowd: "WHERE'S SILVER KING?" Where indeed...Sid to a knee, two knees, now lying on the mat. Arm falls once. Arm falls twice. Arm...doesn't fall thrice. Sid up - crowd booing? - elbowing out. Into the corner, boots up from Jarrett - on the second rope - Sid catches him in the jimmy on his way down. Jarrett off the ropes, blocked, right, off the ropes, right, off the ropes, big boot, got him in the choke, chokeslam. I smell powerbomb - and/or run-in - as Jarrett is taken up, he clips J. with his boot - umm, sorta - maybe a fist? - well, whatever, he's down.

WCW comped me to SuperBrawl. I'll let you know Monday whether I decided to go see this show for free - or stay home. Right now...it's a toss-up. Seriously.