Here's a TV-14-DLS highlight package - we've got Sid Vicious...Tank Abbott...the closed captioned logo...Jeff Jarrett...the Harris Brothers...Dustin Rhodes...Terry Funk...Ric Flair....Vampiro....Total Package...Sid Vicious again...Kevin Nash and Ralphus....and Mickey J. feeling a guitar over his head.

Earlier Today, Sid Vicious...ARRIVED!

Meanwhile, Tank Abbott chose to ride a chopper instead of a limo.

And now, Jeff Jarrett, the Harrisses and the women are WALKING! MIKE TENAY catches up and asks Jarrett if he knows about the Abbott/Vicious title match tonight. Jarrett says it doesn't matter who wins, 'cause he'll still get his shot at Uncensored. Jarrett goes on to guarantee victory at Uncensored should he face Abbott. And THEN...oh man! He said "slapnuts!!!!"

Opening graphic

PYRO! and PYRO! WE ARE LIVE from the Target Center in Minneapolis, MN 28.2.2K on Turner Network Television for W - C - W - MONDAY - NITRO!

MAMALUKES (with Disco Inferno) v. LANE & IDOL for the tag team championships - backstage, the team known for five seconds as 2XS tells Miss Handcock "What part of 'no' don't you understand?" "Get out of here, you're ruining our rat chasing!" After they walk off, Handcock says to no one in particular "I think it's time for me to teach these boys a lesson!" Inferno takes a seat at the commentary table and reminds us that they're really the Paisans. Whoops, here's MISS HANDCOCK ambling down to ringside so let's ignore what's going on in the ring. In fact, we spend so much time with the camera focused AWAY from the ring, there's simply no point in me talking about this match. Man, she NEVER should have spoke. Come to think of it - Disco's all "Lookit my Paisans!" and so on. Anyway, the music starts, the hair comes undone, the skirt rides up. Johnny and Lane hold up dollar bills. Then, when referee "Blind" Nick Patrick is brought back to reality, somebody pins somebody else after some manoeuvre. (3:33) Post-match, Vito (all right, it was an Impaler on Lane - there, you happy?) invites Miss Handcock into the ring to dance with them - so now, she's appreciated, I guess. The dance is (unfortunately? mercifully?) cut short when the HARRIS BROS run out and H-Bomb both of the Paisans - and also their manager. Post-match, a Harris takes a mic and makes noise until he gets cut off by the NWO music. I guess they want a title shot. THAT would be a barn burner, wouldn't it?

WCW Monday Nitro is brought to you by Milky Way - I'm getting the feeling that this show is all about MILKING IT!

Your host is TONY SCHIAVONE. Tonight, Sid Vicious vs. Tank Abbott for the WCW World Heavyweight championship! Complete with graphic! Jeff Jarrett faces the challenge of Vampiro for the United States Heavyweight title! Kevin Nash, sent BACK to the hospital - will he be back here in the building tonight? GET READY TO LAUGH! Also! Ric Flair, Total Package, Buff Bagwell, Dustin Rhodes...and...just maybe....Sting? Stay tuned...

Backstage, GTV...err, the Kid Cam catches up with Buff Bagwell hitting on Elizabeth...he gets turned down. Somehow, our cameraman is COMPLETELY missed by Bagwell despite the fact that he almost STARES RIGHT INTO IT at points

And NOW we see Package, Flair, and Elizabeth watching this on a monitor...wow, Liz must have moved at the SPEED OF LIGHT to get back to that dressing room INSTANTANEOUSLY! Still...watching TV makes them THE SMARTEST FOLKS ALIVE! Anyway, sounds like Flair and Package have picked out a target for tonight...and his name might be Buff.

"Earlier Today," Bam Bam Bigelow predicted Sid Vicious would win in tonight's title match. Hey, it's the "Can we talk?" segment from the ACTION ZONE! Man, THAT brings back the memories, don't it?

Pre-taped comments from Hulk Hogan (possibly from last Monday, even) - listen to the crowd boo (and quickly get turned down)! He wants Flair in a "Yapapa" Indian strap match. Yapapa? You ask me, somebody's been watching too much anime!

GENE O. works tonight! And here's THE MAN (with THE NARCISSIST and LIZ in tow) to offer a rebuttal. Good God, you go out in PUBLIC dressed like that, ladies? No WONDER they call you rats! Flair shows off the Hulkster's weight belt as if it's the only one he owned. Package makes noise with his Sting/Hulkster chair. Flair talks about Hogan a bit - Package makes fun of the "no-showin'" Sting, then tells Buff that tonight he'll get snuffed. Crowd chants "asshole" but we're not supposed to hear it. Hey, CURT HENNIG is back and he's defending the honour of the gophers! Flair says this isn't "Gopher country," it's "Package country." Hennig tells Flair to lose his Hennig haircut and face Minnesota's greatest athlete tonight. Hennig gets a face pop with this, amazingly. "Flair, you talk big stuff - why don't you show everybody your (mute)?" Flair says he'll smack him upside the head just like he did to his old man twenty years ago - Hennig says if he can't win tonight, he'd get "buckassnaked" and streak down some local street next Monday. Hey! For the first time tonight, a match I'm looking forward to on this show! PLEASE don't screw it up. C'mon WCW! I'm PULLING for ya here!

In the back, Mike Tenay talks with Booker - he and Billy Kidman would have had those twin chrome domes last Wednesday, but Kidman was apparently too busy "messin' with his hoochie." He doesn't know who booked the match between the two, but tonight he'll let off a little steam against Kidman.

Kidman and Torrie are WALKING! And apparently, the Kid Cam has once again gone missing...

Promotional consideration paid for by Slim Jim, America (ha!) Online (guaranteed to sabotage your OS!), WCW Battle Arms (stick it to the man! Power to the people!), Jolly Time Blast o' Butter, and Aqua Velva IceSport, AND Plus+White tooth polish!

Hey look, it's three of the NITRO GRRLS! Meanwhile, Tony Schiavone talks on his cel phone - turns out one of his inside sources is telling him that Sting WILL be here later tonight! Think it'll affect the ratings?

Gene O. talks to Jeff Jarrett - he doesn't know who the hell Vampiro is, but at Uncensored, he'll become the World champ! WOW! HE SAID "SLAPNUTS" AGAIN!!!! WAHOOOOOOOOO

BOOKA v. BILLY KIDMAN (with Torrie Samuda) - Booker has some new slow funk and explosions accompanying him to the ring - 'bout time he got some music! Lockup, to the corner, clean break, Booker talking the whole time. Let's do it again, takeover by Kidman, elbow, Booker takes his over with a fireman's carry and falling backwards with a drop. Off the ropes, elbow, first near fall for Booker. Off the ropes, duck, Kidman goes up, sitting on hit shoulder, trying to spin around for the 'rana, nope, so he hits a victory roll for 2. Dropkick gets 2. Off the ropes, Kidman slides under, up and down we go, but Booker hits a gut shot, the axe kick, and now Torrie's up on the apron. The HARRIS BROS are out - aww, fuck me for even THINKING we'd get something worth watching in this unopposed hour. And FUCK WCW. (No contest 1:28)

Coming up - a graphic for Vicious and Abbott! I hope we see it four or five more times!

Gene O. stands backstage with Harlem Heat, Inc. "That's what happens when nobody's watching your back." A hard head... makes a soft ass? What the hell do that mean? Biggs says something about graffiti. Geez, what's on Walker?

Earlier Today, Lash LeRoux predicted a win for Sid. Are you interested yet?

Let me see if I've correctly grasped what's happened so far. We are forty minutes into the show - we've had one match where we spent the whole time checking out Skye's ass, and one match between two people WORTH WATCHING where we couldn't give them TWO MINUTES before we ruined it with a non-ending. Does that about cover it? Now, with these precedents...why on EARTH would they think we should expect any better, or different, just because it's the final match of the night? Who's going to have stuck AROUND for that?

SURGE!

From the Arnold Classic, here's a special look at some footage. Look! Arnold Schwarzenegger! He was on SmackDown! once, you know. And here's a guy with the largest biceps in the world...YIKES. We'll get more of this exciting footage during THUNDER! Set your VCR!

Gene O. stands in the back with Norman Smiley - somebody needs to step up to the plate on behalf of Terry Funk - so tonight, it'll be Dustin Rhodes that'll be screamin'.

3 COUNT stands in the ring - and sings. Let Us Take You Back to THUNDER! where Fit Finlay defeated Evan Karagias.

BRIAN KNOBS (with WCW Magazine ad) v. ? for the Hardcore championship - I almost thought I heard somebody say they were turned on by the centerfold of Brian Knobs in the WCW Magazine...oof.

Vampiro talks to himself...and this here camera. Won't be a fun night for Jarrett, apparently

Dustin Rhodes is....WOW! WALKING!

Weren't these guys outside chanting "Sid! Sid! Sid!" the same guys ALSO chanting "Tank! Tank! Tank!" during his arrival segment earlier in the show?

Want WCW action? You got it! Fargo hosts THUNDER! tomorrow! Bismarck, Wednesday! Tix on sale Friday for Johnstown, and Saturday for Worcester and THUNDER! in Durham!

PSA - Brian Knobs: "When I wrestle, I use my head!" BWAAAAAAAAAAhahahahahahahahahahahahaha - on the other hand, this is the first time I haven't heard him YELL

Gene O. stands with Knobs - he's UNHAPPY THAT HE MADE AN IGNORANT MISTAKE AND LET THE PUNKS GET THE FALL - HE WANTS A REMATCH. Fit Finlay says until he gets that match, they'll make their lives misery. At THUNDER!, they'll take on 3 Count in a six-man...but wait, Finlay and Knobs are two...Knobs promises to "BRING OUT THE DOG!" Man, am I LUCKY to get that recap on Wednesday!!

SCREAMIN' RANDY MOSS v. DUSTIN RHODES - Wasn't this his big chance to wear a Warren Moon jersey, though? Eh? He's not on the Vikings anymore? Oh...well, I'm a Packers fan, I'm allowed to be ignorant. Rhodes punches, Smiley ducks, waistlock by Smiley, face rake by Rhodes, off the ropes, crossbody, duck, he's doin' him in da butt!! Then putting him through the ropes. Where are the Harrisses anyway? Rhodes whipped into the apron from the floor. Right hand from Rhodes as he comes back in. Standing on the neck. Into the corner is reversed, and there's the swoop slam! And NOW he's doin' it in da butt and smackin' his bitch up! But he turns into a Rhodes lariat. Outside we go. Scoops him up - and drops him on the barricade. Smiley taken into the commentary table. Pounding away on him. Hard into the STEEL steps. Rhodes rolls Smiley back in the ring, he's climbing the ropes - flying lariat - 1, 2, 3. (2:43) Post-match, Rhodes waffles Smiley with the helmet - in the head AND in the jimmy. DOUG DILLINGER and SOME OTHER GUY are out to keep Rhodes away. Dillinger has a cast, but nobody notices. Castrol Motor Oily provides the replay. Time to change channels - I'll see you later!

Jeff Jarrett and the ladies are WALKING!

Vampiro is...well, you know

Earlier Today,

JADOUBLEREDOUBLET (with the ladies and TV-14-DLS ratings box) v. VAMPIRO for the United States Heavyweight Championship - Let Us Take You back to the past two THUNDER! episodes - Taylor, Nash, J. all go down at the hands of the silver gee-tar. Apparently, he's been fined ten grand a shot. Lockup, to the corner, back to the center, side headlock takeover by Jarrett, headscissors counter, repeat, a third time, shoving match, Vampiro pushes him to the mat, gutshot by Jarrett, right, into the ropes, Vampiro cartwheels under, kick, kick, spin kick, corkscrew moonsault off the top turnbuckle...finds nothin. ONLY UNCENSORED DAYS UNTIL 20!! Outside the ring we both go (fear that logo!), Vampiro dropped on the barricade, both men brought back in the ring, Jarrett off the top, Vampiro rolls it through for 2. Off the ropes, reversed, Vampiro up on the shoulders, Jarrett powerbombs him down...but only gets 2. Head to the top turnbuckle. Into the corner, monkey flip out, Vampiro lands on his feet, Jarret takes him down with a lariat. Stopping to pose for the crowd - the cover only gets 2. Into the ropes, Vampiro ducks, but Jarrett puts on a sleeper. Elbowing out, taking Jarrett into the ropes, and Vampiro puts on a sleeper of his own, but Jarrett ducks behind and tries a backdrop - Vampiro lands on his feet - well, knees - pops up and hits a uranage for 2. Into the ropes, Sunset flip attempt by Vampiro, Jarrett holding the ropes - referee "Blind" Nick Patrick kicks the hands away, Jarrett rolls over - 1, 2, no! Jarrett with a leg sweep and going for the figure four - Vampiro manages an inside cradle - 1, 2, no! Here come the HARRIS BROS - OH BOY! THE HARRIS BROTHERS! Vampiro ducks and delivers a spin kick - duck and spinning heel kick for the other. Jarrett with a scoop - SID VISCOUS is out - Vampiro slips out and hits a scoop slam of HIS own (was it supposed to land on the belt? It didn't) but Patrick is unfortunately trying to separate Vicious and the Harris brothers on the outside. Schiavone says that Jarrett whacked Vampiro with the belt, but we didn't see it on camera (oops). Anyway, Patrick back in - 1, 2, NO! The bell rings, but Patrick insists it's 2. Jarrett back on Vampiro with punches, Vampiro to his feet, backdrop suplex! Vampiro ready to climb to the top - guillotine legdrop MISSES! There's the Stroke - good night. (5:07)

The Mamalukes ask some guy to deliver a box to the Harris brothers, and tell them it's from the Paisans. Hey, wait, isn't that....NAAH.

Crowd chants "Sid" 'cause they think Sid will win tonight.

Promotional consideration paid for by WCW Powerslam wrestlers, Mega-16 almost-legal diet pills, Sauder furniture, Hot Pockets from Hot Pockets, IceSport from Aqua Velva (again) and Frank's Red Hot sauce!

You know, I think I'll watch that Lakers/Blazers game even though I kinda hate BOTH of them - it'll still be a good game...

From the Road to the Spring Breakout, Disco Inferno asks Riki Rachtman why 3 Count comes along on these trips - Rachtman says it's 'cause they bring out "all the chicks." Ummm, didn't I see their "autograph session" where NOBODY showed up? Is a little CONTINUITY too much to ask?

"During the Break" footage shows Fit Finlay putting a beatdown on Vampiro - why? Well....to beat some respect into him, silly!

Hey, look! It's the NITRO GRRLS! I heard they were more trouble than they were worth...sounds kinda SEXIST to me... Anyway, DAVID FLAIR comes out and does his Blue Meanie impersonation, scaring all the Girls away. Now DAFFNEY UNGER is out with her crowbar - Flair looks scared, then gets some forgiveness - then they make out in the ring.

DAVID FLAIR (with Daffney) v. THE ARTIST (hehehe) FORMERLY KNOWN AS PRINCE (tee hee hee) IAUKEA (HAAAAhahahahahah!) (with Paisley) - CROWBAR joins the commentary team and announces circles around the team at ringside. I'll reserve comment on how pathetic that is (not for Crowbar, of course). Flair with a slap. Off the ropes, head down, kick from Prince, clothesline by Flair, in the corner, on the second ropes, Ten Punch Count Along stops at six - Iaukea sent into the corner - FLAIR FLIP! Whoops, but it's not Flair. Oh well. Daffney screams in his face so he rolls back in and pokes Flair's eye. Punch, snapmare, repeated punches, off the ropes with a legdrop, fireman's carry into a Samoan Drop ("souffle"). Crowbar decides to hit the ring, grabbing Iaukea's head as he tries a second rope splash - Flair covers - 1, 2, NO! Daffney and Paisley tease going at it - and now they are!! Meanwhile, in the ring, Iaukea hits his second rope quasi-DDT for the pin. (2:12)

Backstage, Sid is out - EMT's are putting on an oxygen mask as we examine the remains of a silver NWO gee-tar on the floor nearby...notice we don't SEE the shot. Can't risk another concussion for the UNexpendable Sid Vicious!

Sting carries the power of the card...featuring Konnan and the fired Nitro Girls!

Jarrett and the Harrisses are ready to leave, but not before the package is delivered - it's a dead fish! Wow, the SYMBOLISM!

Gene O. says the Champ has been recommended to refrain from all strenuous physical activity, so I guess no title match tonight...whoops, Sid interrupts and says to everyone at tOA: "You know, what you make of this is this, Gene - it's simple math. First it's Jeff Jarrett - then it's Tank Abbott...at Uncensored, I'll see you Jeff Jarrett, and Tank Abbott, I will see YOU in HELL."

CAT (with Funk on a Roll) comes out and ... well, I guess he's still a heel, since he's calling everybody redneck and fat and all that. Let Us Take You Back to SuperBrawl and show you James Brown

CAT (with Funk on a Roll) v. THE 'STRO (with Symphony and a boombox) - did you REALLY think they'd write it so that Cat would become Maestro's slave? There are LAWSUITS brewing, people! 'stro attacks before the bell and he's on fire until going into the ropes and a back body drop fromt he Cat puts him on the mat. Gutshot, DDT. Who do the fans root for in this match? Scoop - and a slam. Breakdancin' elbow. Symphony plays the boombox for no apparent reason - and it's 3 Count's song! Maestro goes nuts - "make it stop!" - then gets in a shot on Cat behind the back of referee "Blind" Billy Silverman WITH the boombox for the pinfall. (1:07)

TONIGHT: A graphic for the main event!

Curt Hennig is WALKING!

Meanwhile, Ric Flair is WALKING!

Meanwhile, Elizabeth and Package are missing a bat...

Earlier Tonight, Billy Kidman predicted a win for Tank Abbott

Jimmy Barron is a Cheap Bastard Who Phones It In With 1-800-CAL-LATT

Sid & Sting & Nitro Grrls video ad

THE MAN v. CURT HENNIG - Flair carries his coveted yellow "HULKSTER" weight belt to the ring with him. A bit of jaw jacking to start. Lockup, side headlock from Hennig, powers out, Hennig knocks him down - FEAR THE LOGO - DAYS UNTIL 20! Lockup, to the corner, Flair tries to haul off but Hennig blocks it and throws a right, then chops away - 3, 4, and another right! FLAIR FLOP! Crowd digs it and so do I. Another right. Into the opposite corner, biiiiiig back body drop. Stomp by Hennig. Right. Shin splinter. Leg draped on the bottom rope - buttdrop by Hennig. Flair goes to the eyes and now HE'S chopping away - Hennig takes two, then gives two back. Into the corner, FLAIR FLIP! Hennig goes outside and chops again. Flair again goes to the eyes, then throws him back in the ring. Flair to the top turnbuckle - THAT MOVE NEVER WORKS! Hennig over to beal him into the center. Flair begs off, Hennig chops, then climbs to the second turnbuckle. Ten Punch Count Along! Whoops, stops at nine, and he gives Ten to referee "Blind" Nick Patrick! Chop by Hennig, chop, into the corner is reversed, Hennig whipped into Patrick. Gutshot, HENNIGPLEX! Well, if you know how WCW works, you know that now THE NARCISSIST is out to break it up. Then he and LIZ take off. Hennig is still the most awake of the three men in the ring, though, so he goes outside and gets a chair. Patrick is up next and he doesn't want Hennig using that chair. They're fighting over the chair and Flair kicks Hennig right in the li'l Axe. Quick cover, 1, 2, 3. (3:40) Feh. Flair goes for the weight belt and it's WHIPPIN' TIME! Patrick is shoved to the mat and now Flair walks out of the ring and back up the aisle, thrusting his pelvis and threatening to whip folks...

Meng (!) predicts that ...well, he doesn't make a prediction. He just wants to see the match. MENG'S A FENCESITTER!! I'm a little surprised he didn't root for the UFC guy...eh, whatever.

THE NARCISSIST (with Liz) v. BUFF IS THE STUFF - Package starts off with a big knee, big double sledge, another big double sledge, big side headlock, Buff powers out but Package with the big knockdown, leapfrog by Buff, dropkick, dropkick, the scary noisy logo makes another appearance. Package throws Bagwell outside the ring, then perches on the apron - there's a big double axehandle. Big whip into the barricade. Big head to the commentary table. Help me out - who do the fans root for in this match? Big cable choke. Back into the ring we go, rolling him over, big elbowdrop, big elbowdrop, big elbowdrop, 1, 2, kickout. "Luger sucks" chant gets immediately turned down - brilliant. Big rear chinlock - Bagwell tries to power out and Package sits on him. Might as well make a camel clutch out of it if you're gonna straddle him - oh well - Bagwell tries to power out, Package tries the buttdrop again but this time Batwell spins over and puts up his knees. Bagwell with an atomic drop, and a clothseline. Another clothesline for Bagwell. Gutshot, swinging neckbreaker. Signalling for the Blockbuster, but Package puts up a big knee. Hard into the corner, Bagwell puts up an elbow and hits a Vaderbomb - 1, 2, Elizabeth puts Package's foot on the rope. Bagwell decides to go outside after Elizabeth, but now THE MAN is out and spinning Bagwell around - Bagwell gets the better of him, rolls him in the ring, there's a back body drop, alternating clothselines for Package and Flair, DDT for Package - Flair with a chop block and now "Blind" Billy Silverman calls for the bell (DQ 4:30) as the doubleteam (mit HULKSKTER weight belt!) ensues, out comes (THIS IS) STING, crouching down under the ring. Flair outside trying to warn Package, who is oblivious and ready to Pillmanize Bagwell's arm. Even the playing of Sting's music can't break Package's oblviousness - but perhaps that love tap with that baseball bat will. BAT! GILLOOLY! BAT! Package leaves the ring and Flair and Elizabeth help him to the back. Sting's music plays again and he and Bagwell embrace. Fans actually go nuts for him.

Meanwhile, Sid Vicious is WALKING! And raving

Meanwhile, Tank Abbott is WALKING! Yeah baby!

Coming up next: the LAST time you'll see this graphic!

WCW Spring Breakout 2000 is brought to you by Tinactin and TracFone, in case you forgot

YEAHBABY TANK YEAHBABY ABBOTT YEAHBABY (on his motorcycle)

See you...in 48 hours, for THUNDER!? Oy. Why'd I ever say "yes?"