I don't even think we can refer to WCW as one of "the Big Two" if they can't do a better buyrate than ECW...can we?

Hey, how many times have you read about ECW's money woes? Isn't WCW getting closer and closer to matching that situation? Quick comparison: bigger (but decreasing) revenue for WCW, matched against MUCH bigger outlay (c'mon, how much does ECW spend on...say...pyro, f'rinstance?) - you run the numbers and then ask AOL what they think about it.

That reminds me...

QUICK QUOTES: AOL 56 3/4 (- 3 7/8), TWX 81 3/4 (+ 4 15/16), SPLN 46 3/8 (+ 3 3/8)

CREDIBILITY GAP: Hot off the heady rush that comes with being part of the commentary team on the lowest selling WCW pay-per-view EVER...wait, I wasn't gonna mention his name. Well, there's more than one way to skin a cat:

I GET LETTERS: It only took me two dozen words to say it two weeks ago, but Daron Hume did a lot of work and, having a math degree, I can appreciate his letter on an intellectual level as well - "intellectual" being a word I have yet to find reason to associate with Mr. Money-defines-my-self-worth:

Hey CRZ,

I was watching this week's Nirto, and I heard Mark Madden talking about the H-Bomb. From what I hear, it destroys anything in a 20 foot radius, which is "the size of the ring." Hmmm. I think there are a few things wrong with this...

a) The ring isn't round, and, thus, it doesn't really have a radius.
b) Even if we forget about the ring not being round, wouldn't it be a 20 foot diameter? Or, at the very least, a 10 foot radius? I mean, the radius is only half way across the circle, right?

Using Mr. Madden's 20 foot radius of destruction, and the equasion for the area of a circle (pi*r*r), we get an area of 1256.64 square feet. However, assuming a 20 foot length for the side of a square ring, we get an area of 400 square feet (I don't need to give you THIS equasion too, do I?). If you were wondering, that's a 856.64 error in terms of square footage, which is a percent error of a whopping 214.16 %.

Again, using the 1256.64 square foot area for Madden's ring, as opposed to the much smaller, normal sized ring, (hmm, now there's a joke waiting to happen), we can calculate the sides of Madden's ring if it were square. Taking the square root of 1256.64, we get a length of 35.45 feet. Remember, that's one side. Now, correct me if I'm wrong, but that seems a little big...

Now, if Madden wanted to use the correct radius, or as correct of a radius as one can get with a square ring, he could simply take the area of a wrestling ring (again, assuming the sides to be 20 feet), which is 400 square feet, and plug it into the formula for the area of a circle. Solving for r, we get a radius of 11.28 feet, not 20 feet. So, technically speaking, the H-Bomb would destroy everything in a 11.28 foot radius; that is, if it destroyed everything in an area the size of a ring.

In closing, Mark Madden is an idiot. Uh... point that out, slapnuts. Oh, wait, I already did.

Oh, and what the hell was he doing at the beginning of Nitro? Picking a drumstick out of his teeth?

I *believe* it's actually a Razor Ramon toothpick flick - undoubtedly, his way of saying "thanks for getting me the job, Kevin!" And before you write telling me that Kevin Nash and Scott Hall are two different people, hey! I didn't tell you it was MY on-air shtick logic, so be sure and send those queries to interneticon@hotmail.com (remember, friends, although all us Internet folk are GEEKS, he's still our INTERNET ICON!) Ask him why he screwed MiCasa, while you're at it. He LOVES to talk about THAT.

Anyway, thanks Daron. Now GET THAT DEGREE!

All right, that's enough - I've put this off as long as I can, but we got another show to go - we're all together NOW...

Fit Finlay has Vampiro in a choke and he's shouting him down, once again - but this time, Vampiro fights back! Watch out guys, you'll hit the TV-14-DLS ratings box! Into the wall! Over a table! Low blow for Finlay! Duck! It's the close captioned symbol! Fling the chair!

We immediately go to the opening PYRO PYRO PYRO and MAN there are some big sections of empty seats in the shot. WE ARE LIVE from the Dean Dome in Chapel Hill, NC 6.3.2K and ONLY on TNT, this is W - C - W - NITRO!

PSYCHOSIS (already in the ring, with de Juice) v. KAZ (Hayashiryu, already in the ring) - "Finally, de joos has is in the house baida popoolur demand! And tonight, de joosy one, de grate one, and sicolooz and these cowgry gone live la vida loca, baby!" Search me, I don't have any idea what he was saying either. Kaz attacks both of them from behind and it's on. He's just Kaz now, by the way. When a character fails, just chop off one of his names and call it a repackaging. Kaz has been paired with (Yun) Yang and Jamie-san (Howard) from the Power Plant and given the team name "Jung Dragons" - hopefully they'll team together two more Power Plant graduates and call them the "Freud Green Tomatoes" - hey, sounds like money to me! VAMPIRO & FIT FINLAY brawl out, down the aisle, into the ring, outside the ring, and back up the ramp. Meanwhile, back in the ring, Psychosis hits a top-rope Frankensteiner...but only gets 2. Well now, THE ACRONYM & PAISLEY are out - and you wonder why I don't get up for play-by-play? "Prince is the guy who restored the credibility to the Cruiserweight division..." I can't make up jokes like this. Psychosis hits the guillotine legdrop from the top rope, but referee "Blind" Charles Robinso is busy talking with Juventud Guerrera and Paisley for no apparently reason. In the course of five seconds, the camera manages to miss BOTH the Artist waffling Psychosis with the belt AND Paisley giving a slap to Guerrera. But hey, it's only plot points - we don't REALLY need them, do we? Good direction costs MONEY, people! Kaz rolls up Psychosis for the win. (4:39) Post-match, Psychosis goes a little nuts on the Artist, culminating in a somersault spin kick off the top rope. Cast count in this segment: two (Finlay and Vampiro)

This portion of WCW Monday Nitro is brought to you by Castrol Motor Oily!

Your hosts are TONY SCHIAVONE and DON'T TALK ABOUT MY MAMA. Let Us Take You Back to Last Week where Jeff Jarrett fended off a title challenge from Vampiro - why? Dunno. Tonight, Jeff Jarrett teams up with Heavy D (the overweight lover?) against Sid Vicious and Vampiro! That graphic sure looked like Big Ron and not Heavy D - oh well, guess I can't tell 'em apart neither. Also tonight, Ric Flair and Curt Hennig in a "you didn't tune it in last week, so we can get away with running it twice" matchup!

Backstage, security is holding back Fit Finlay and Vampiro! Wow, lookit 'em kicking at each other!

Meanwhile, Jarrett and the Harrisses remark that the main event should be real easy going, since Vampiro's so busy with Finlay and all...all they'll have to worry about is the Champ!

GENE O. works tonight! He stands with the MAMALUKES & DISCO INFERNO. Disco says he's a brilliant manager, Johnny talks about cheese sandwiches (huh?), and Vito says "Heil!"

Meanwhile, Vampiro throws a tantrum - I guess he heard he was jobbing in the main

Ever wonder why WrestleLine can't find another person to do Nitro recaps? Watch this first eleven minutes - only from a prolonged exposure to this show can I even keep MY head from exploding.

RIKI RACHTMAN brings us "highlights" from the Road to Spring Break - from last Friday at Club Shakers, and from

Team Package - ARRIVES!

BIG RON (with Heavy D) v. BIG VITO (with Johnny Bull & Disco Inferno) in a "Loser can't use the word 'Big' Anymore Match" - Jesus Christ, I'll spring for a FREAKIN' TAPE MEASURE - I *guarantee* every H-Bomb that takes place in that ring is LESS than twenty feet away from the fat end of the commentary table. Stop trying to explain the line. You're WRONG. You only expose your own ignorance EVERY time you try to explain it. That's a freebie - my way of saying "I'm really touched that you're more worried about what I'm saying in the Nitro report than helping to make your product better." Vito demolishes Ron, so Don comes in behind referee "Blind" Billy Silverman's back after Disco Inferno pulls Ron out of the ring (why? Because IT'S ALL ABOUT LOGIC WITH WCW) - Don wraps his fist in a chain and manages to waffle Vito without Silverman noticing - 1, 2, 3. (:59) For an encore, Silverman watches the replay up on the Nitrotron and reverses his decision - never mind he should have DQ'd the Mamalukes for outside interference BEFORE the big switcheroo, but hey, they have WRITERS! They CERTAINLY wouldn't create with plot holes you can drive a truck through! The Harrisses get all righteously indignant and H Bomb everybody. SECURITY comes out and THEY get the H bomb - it's funny, because I keep expecting some spontaneous combustion out of all these H bombs like in the ads...anyway, a COP comes out and HE gets shoved off the apron to the floor. He pulls his nightstick and gets in the ring...and the Harrisses decide to take off. Number of casts in this segment: one (Dillinja)

Let Us Take You Back to Thunder, where Wall chokeslammed Crowbar through the commentary table - then he went into a trance!

Gene O. stands backstage with David Flair and Daffney - David says that tonight, he's gonna tear down a Wall. Daffney plucks petals off a bouquet of roses.

Promotional consideration paid for by Slim Jim, WCW Powerslam wrestlers, Toaster Breaks Pizza from Hot Pockets, Plus+White toothpaste, IceSport from Aqua Velva, and Sauder furniture!

Close captioning where available brought to you by America (ha) Online!

Backstage and Moments Ago, the cops arrested the Harris Bros for assaulting an officer! Yow!

The graphic sez: "Reigning Champion" Sid Vicious vs. Jeff Jarrett for the WCW World Heavyweight Championship at UNcensored!

DAVID FLAIR (with Daffney Unger) v. THE WALL - It's David's 21st, we are told - Daffney's shirt says "David's Legal." Happy Birthday, David! You get to job to the Wall! Did we see Wall smile for the first time? Wall quickly throws Flair outside and there's a scoop slam on the floor. He's going for the furniture. One table set up. Two tables set up. Back over to Flair - one more scoop slam to keep him on the floor. Wall back over to rearrange - setting up a double stack! Right hand for Flair. Now motioning to Daffney - who backs up and makes "neener neener" pantomimes. Both men have been outside the ring for over ninety seconds now, yet amazingly referee "Blind" Mickie Jay has yet to get anywhere NEAR ten on his count. Crowbar to the back! Crowbar shot again! Flair climbs to the second turnbuckle and poses - but the Wall is up on the apron and now he's got him by the neck -

Local segment hypes WCW UNcensored - God bless 'em for trying

WCW and Surge are the perfect match! See, the caffeine in Surge counteracts the sedative of...

Replays of the chokeslam - Crowbar's was better - oops, sorry, I'm such a downer sometimes

"Moments Ago" footage saw the stretcher stretchering outta there.

Backstage, Bam Bam Bigelow catches up to Wall at a staircase. "What are you doing? Is it that 'get over' thing again? You don't 'get over' by breaking people in half! They got bills to pay! What did I teach you?" Wall slaps him one and Bigelow falls through a table - which fails to break, it just kinda tips over - bet they wish they'd taped that one...

EVAN KARAGIAS (with Sugar Shane Helms & Shannon Moore) v. DOG (with Brian Knobs & Fit Finlay) - if you missed it on Thunder, "the Dog" is Al Green pretending to be a dog. With every performance, Dog says to himself "I could have been a main eventer if the WXO hadn't run out of money! Damn them!" The noisy logo flies in and tells us that "UNcensored days until 13" - what the HELL does that MEAN? For some reason, all the seconds get involved and it's a big Pier Six brawl. Yup. Finlay delivers the Trip to Pitty City this week instead of Knobs - I would say "Pit Stop" like the commentators did but I think the WWF could sue me. Green keeps pretending to bite Karagias' ear - reminds me of Owen Hart, actually. Green is wearing red contact lenses, because...well, because he's THE DOG! Finish can't come soon enough - it's a powerslam from the second turnbuckle. 1, 2, 3. (3:54) Actually, I'm going to start calling Green "the gimp" because they keep putting a mask on him and it matches his collar. This probably gets you pretty hot if you're into bondage...I guess.

Gene O. stands with Team Package - Package says he can't find Sting in the building tonight, and at UNcensored, he'll break another arm. Flair fails to show any sign of worry about his son and talks about Hogan instead. Wooo!

Meanwhile, Jarrett tells the ladies he's got something to say. Now doesn't that make you want to sit through this next set of ads knowing there's a Jarrett promo on the other side? IT'S GOLD!!

WCW Spring Break-out 2000 is made possible by Tough Actin' Tinactin (you put it on your feet) and Tracfone! So if you don't want to see Spring Break-out NEXT year, you know who to boycott now!

Despite annoying me by cutting names in half and calling them "White-guy-san" and the like, there WAS a DAMN good match on Saturday Night - Shark Boy vs. Silver King was like MATCH OF THE EPOCH. No lie.

"Beyond the Mat" ad - how 'bout that. I heard that those sneaky Lions Gate film guys bought some ad time on Jakked and Metal - but YOU didn't hear that from ME, 'cause I don't want word to get back to the control freaks over at the WWF...so keep it under your hat! (Fortuantely for us, they only read the WWF reports, right?)

Brian Knobs says "yo - I use my head - don't try this at home" and I laugh

Hey, look! It's the NITRO GRRLS!

Backstage, Sid Vicious tells Vampiro he NEEDS him (to job) tonight! Will he be there? Vampiro says "yes" - then mutters "Jesus!" Wait, can you speak the name of our Lord and Saviour on WCW television?

JEDOUBLEF JADOUBLEREDOUBLET and SIX - NO, THREE WOMEN come out - Vedijah, Kim and Tylene, or however you spell it. You know what? "Slapnuts" is over with exactly three people - unfortunately, they all host "WCW Live." Jarrett gets heel heat by sending the women to the back. Jarrett runs down the local constabulary, then says that since the Harris brothers are unavailable, he'll just get himself a new partner - and brings out - wait for it - THE WALL. OH MAN, HE SAID "SLAPNUTS" AGAIN!! MY SIDES ARE *SPLITTING*!!!

Backstage, Lane and Idol proclaim their overness with the rats, then whisper to each other in front of the Demon's casket.

Meanwhlie, Curt Hennig is WALKING!

Also, Ric Flair is WALKING! Gotta love Flair, he's the only guy to actually acknowledge the camera in front of him EVERY TIME

This year, the Spring Break-Out is EXTRA special with a "first-ever LIVE backstage webcast!" at www.tnt.turner.com - that's in three weeks.

THE MAN v. CURT HENNIG - Let Us Take You Back to Last Monday and Thursday where Flair swung a mighty weight belt. It's great that Hennig is a face now, but how do we explain his backstory? This guy was chummin' it up with the Harris Bros, remember? Did Hennig say "Perfect" as he scaled the corner? Naah. Flair takes the mic and runs down the UNC basketball team to try for some local heat - unfortunately, there's a lot of Duke folk in the crowd, so that's a mixed reaction at best. Lockup, to the corner, clean break, woooo!, Hennig slaps him. Lockup, off the ropes, shoulderblock by Hennig, repeated rights, Flair with a boot, chop, Hennig with a chop, chop, chop, chop, into the corner, biiig back body drop as Flair comes out. "Noooo!" Right hand by Hennig, eye poke by Flair. And another one. The Flair offense, sadly. Flair throws Hennig to the outside and there's a chop! Right hand by Flair. Chop! Hennig turns it around and chops, chop, right, head to the table. Chop! Right hand. Right. Chop. Flair comes back with - yes, an eye poke. Rolled back in under the bottom rope, but Hennig pops up and suplexes Flair back into the ring. Flair begs off and puts his head underneath the top rope - Hennig goes to grab him, referee "Blind" Charles Robinson tries to break them up and Flair's trick knee acts up. Flair kicks the back of the knee. Hennig gets to do his "feet in the air" spot. Stomp by Flair. Another kick to the back of the leg,

Coming up - Jeff Jarrett (graphic), The Wall (replay of Thunder chokeslam), Sid Vicious & Vampiro (graphic)

Backstage, Lane and Idol are welding shut the Demon's sarcophagus - Demon taps on Lane's shoulder from behind - a brief comedy bit ensues as Lane asks Idol why he's tapping him, then they both slowly turn around to see the Demon - he gets a brief flurry, but with the use of a fire blanket, they turn the tide...then take off.

Promotional consideration paid for by WCW battle arms (Black pride!), Judge Wapner's cash scam, Toaster Breaks Pizza from Hot Pockets (again), Ice Sport from Aqua Velva (again), and Mega-16 brand speed!

Come to think of it, we never had any opening credits this week, did we?

"Positively Page" promo

Riki Rachtman and the TV-14-DLS ratings box give us some more "highlights" from the WCW Road to Spring Break-Out - 3 Count lip sync'ing and dancing. Wheee

Curt Hennig, in the ambulance, is diagnosed with a broken arm.

Meanwhile, Team Package shares mutual admiration. Flair seems yet to realise what's happened to his son.

Say, what else have we got at UNcensored? This graphic sez: "The Total Package (with Elizabeth) vs. Sting" And this one sez: "Strap Match: Hulk Hogan vs. Ric Flair" WOW! Where's my piggy bank?

LANE (with Idol) v. SCREAMIN' NORMAN

Gene O. stands with Sid Vicious - "See, you say 13, you say 12, you say 11, you say ten, I say - final judgement day for you, Jeff Jarrett!" Then he whispers unintelligibly, then laughs.

Tank Abbott yells at a random security guy - and now he's WALKING! He walks by some random guys, calls 'em "yahoos" and tells 'em to shut up. Watch out guys, he might GO FOR HIS KNIFE!

At this point I'd point out the Superstar Video ads, but I haven't seen any Mandaly Love come MY way yet...ah, hell, Sid and Sting and the Nitro Grrls, okay.

TANK ABBOTT stands in the ring. He wants Sid to buy a lottery ticket, 'cause he's the luckiest man alive. "He couldn't hold a candle to my jock strap!" 'cause if he did, man, BOOM. You know? Explosions and stuff. Anyway, Abbott says he only tapped 'cause they'd take him off of TV if he hadn't. Abbott proclaims himself the Baddest Man on the Planet...just like Mike Tyson! Abbott says run the show, but he ain't leavin' the ring...hey, if this were REALLY a REAL shoot, don'tcha think they'd CUT HIS MIC?

LA PARKA v. ? - Abbott doesn't leave the ring, Parka swings, Abbot ducks, and shoves the chair into him. THEN HE UNLEASHES HIS HAND OF STONE! "Any other yahoos wanna come in and try to break the ring up? This is Tank Abbott's show now! I ain't leavin'!" DOUG DILLINGER is out - but he tells the SECURITY to forget about it. I guess Parka's opponent was MENG 'cause now HE'S out. Dillinger blocking his way, and now J.J. DILLON is out saying it's a sixty-day suspension without pay if he makes another move towards the ring. Crowd chanting "Meng," even! The crowd of security pushes Meng back. Tank Abbott...leaves? I don't know - we look back at the ring and it's empty - Mickie Jay is walking La Parka back up the aisle...I guess all I can say is WCW IS BACK, BABY! EIGHTY-EIGHT WEEKS OF DOMINANCE STARTS - TONIGHT!

(or maybe not)

NitroGirls.COM spot

Hey, look, it's the Nitro Grrls again! Everybody's asses be hangin' out, yo! Hulk Hogan provides pre-recorded comments - the cast is off, but the releases have been signed. Yapapi! Yapapi! Yapapi! "Strap-ation, dudes!" Jimmy Hart! Jimmy Hart! Oh my God, I wish I had the desire to transcribe this for you. "The Strapmaster Jimmy Hart!" "Yapapi strappage number two!" BWAAAAAAAAAhahahahahahaha - OH NO! He will transform from Hulk to Hollywood!

BILLY KIDMAN (with Torrie Samuda) v. STEVIE RAY (with J. Biggs) - Torrie Wilson will be appearing in Ironman magazine - see, WCW is still mainstream! Honest! Let Us Take You Back to Thunder, where Kidman dropkicked Booker, leading to the pin on Booker. Before he gets in the ring, Stevie calls out BIG T & CASSIUSINTHEHOUSE. Kidman takes the mic and says he knew it wouldn't be a one-on-one, so he went and got himself a partner--but Ray punks him out before Kidman can introduce him - Stevie Ray's a SMART one, isn't he? After about thirt seconds of doubleteam, out comes BOOKA, who has his way with Stevie Ray, until Big T is up from behind. Booker manages a comeback, and axe kick on T, a spinebuster on Ray, a side Russian legsweep on T, 1, 2, Ray breaks it up - UNCENSORED DAYS UNTIL 13!!!!! SHWOOOOOOM - Kidman injured in the corner, Torrie checking on him, and Harlem Heat turning it around on Kidman. Tag to T, into the ropes, duck, double clothesline by Booker - Kidman is in - well it's all broken down now. Biggs on third headset, and trying hard to reclaim his mic skills - uranage on Stevie Ray by Booker! Kidman on the top - Savage elbow! 1, 2, Cassius pulls out referee "Blind" Billy Silverman. The camera misses it, but that's what happened. For an encore, the camera misses Booker going over the top rope onto Cassius in a possibly-impressive move. Biggs says something to Torrie on the outside - something about "never going back," I think - Ray is in the ring and there's a blackjack to Kidman - Silverman back in to count the fall (2:40) and Ray brings Booker back in to work HIM over - SIDEWALK SLAM BY CASSIUS! All the brothers strike a pose as Tony asks us to "look at the manhood in the ring, if you will" - umm, WHOSE manhood? And isn't it comments like THAT that landed them in that lawsuit?

Jeff Jarrett addresses the Wall backstage: "Tonight is your night - it's time for you to step up to the plate - you're supposed to be destined for greatness? Well, tonight is your chance..."

Meanwhile, Dustin Rhodes is WALKING!

Another "Beyond the Mat" promo

Spring Break-Out 2000 takes place LIVE from South Padre Island, Tejas on 27 March - oh, they're not going to the club again? Eh.

Riki Rachtman interview 3 Count from the Road to the Spring Break-out - next

At UNcensored, says the graphic, it's Dustin Rhodes vs. Terry Funk - I will take a wild guess and say they BOTH bleed

DUSTIN RHODES comes out with the Windhams' old music - some razor wire - and THE STICK: "Two weeks ago, I knocked Terry Funk unconscious. But he got up and he kept coming. And last week I damn near broke his back, but he got up and he kept coming. Why? I'll tell you why - besides the fact that he's a stupid, idiotic old fart - he's stil - he still cares about what you people think - what you IDIOTS think, all of ya.

Jeff Jarrett and the women are WALKING!

The Wall is WALKING! Why isn't he with Jarrett?

Sid Vicious and Vampiro are WALKING! Shut up, Sid!

Let's look at the graphic/replay/graphic one more time while DJ RAN misses his cue and starts yakkin' and spinnin' Rob Base & DJ EZ Rock's "It Takes Two" - NITRO NEVER ENDS

The Nitro Road to Spring Break-Out 2000 is brought to you by I Plugged Both of You Already

And THIS is the Castrol GTX replay - DRIVE HARD! Chicken to the head! Bodyslam onto the barbed wire!

JEDOUBLEF JADOUBLEREDOUBLET (with six - no, three ladies) and THE WALL (with replays from Thunder - and earlier tonight) v. VAMPIRO and SID VICIOUS - Jarrett says he's been a little hard on the NWO Girls, and he'll let them stay in the ring - oh, but it's a ruse because he's an EVIL HEEL - he sends the women off. I'm a little surprised he doesn't bother to break a guitar over him while he's at it... Tony says that the Sting/Package match will be a Lumberjack Cast match - everybody wearing a cast will serve as lumberjacks for that match. THAT'S BRILLIANT!!! The ring is rushed and it's on. DDP on the Late Late Show tonight, geez, how "by the way" could they have made THAT announcement! Sid and Wall go outside, Vampiro hits some nice kicks on Jarrett, now Jarrett rolls outside. We see Sid on the announce table using the dreaded WATER BOTTLE on Wall - and breathing very audibly.