Backstage, Flair tells Package and Liz (and the camera) that he's sorry about what happened on Thunder - but tonight, he's going to deliver Arn Anderson - it's a done deal. The TV-14-DLS ratings box hangs ominously nearby, followed by the closed captioning box.

Opening logo is dancer free, but not EXPLOSION free!

WE ARE LIVE from Providence, RI - on this night, it is the PYRO CAPITAL OF THE WORLD! LIVE on TNT 13.3.2K it's WCW Monday Nitro!

Tonight, by God, WCW is going to KEEP the viewers by immediately bring out THE MAN to show us that, yes indeed, the suit label DOES read "Armani." "Lookiiiiiiing as only I can look - woooo! Let's cut right to the quick - here we are in a Godforsaken part of the world called Providence, Rhode Island. [Crowd: "He said Providence, Rhode Island!"] Only one reason a man like me would be here, and that's to make a point, prove a point, and tonight - Package, Total Package, lovely Elizabeth, I gave you my word I would produce the legendary Double A, the Enforcer, tonight he will walk down here, he will tell me he is sorry for embarrassing me and the Package, and he will become part of Team Package. Double A - come on down brother, woooo!" The Horsemen (?) theme starts up and out walks ARN ANDERSON. "Double A - shut up! Shut the music down! Double A - before you send these people off the deep end and come down here, let me remind you and the world there are four thousand women right now going "(gasp) What if Double A doesn't do it? What if Double A doesn't - doesn't come back to the Horsemen? You're - this is it - we are the Horsemen - we're runnin' wrestling for fifteen years - Horsemen are dead - now it's Team Package! The girls still love us, Double A, the women want us! Big airplanes, suites in hotels, an unparalleled lifestyle - come down here, Double A - become part of the most glorious of all....Team Package - woooo!" "You know that would be real easy, just to lumber on down and become part of Team Package, and anybody that is anybody in this sport would be honoured to do just that. But the reality is this, Ric. Something that keeps ringing in my ears, you said the last fifteen years you made it right for me - well, that's true - and I made it right for you; you see, the Four Horsemen were something that myth is made of - but we earned that right over the course of time in front of people like this, because we dumped our blood in their town, and at the end of the night, they knew that we were just the best wrestlers in the world at that particular time - we didn't do it by process of eliminiation, by breaking arms, by breaking legs, because we knew we wouldn't have to face that guy again - that's not what we were about. What we did, Ric, is we had notoriety, we had money, we had cars, but we did it the old-fashioned way - we earned it! What you're trying to do with Luger is ego-driven - that's all it is - and you're headed on a course with Luger that is hellbent for destruction - and I'm not gonna be the guy that's standing in the middle. You and I have been friends too long - I would rather separate as friends, because our lives will constantly intertwine in different points, and I'm not rollin' down this aisle and being that crutch that you've always had to lean on when times got tough, because in six days, Ric, you've got the hardest match your life has ever seen - you got Hulk Hogan in six days in a strap match--" "So what!" "--six days, Ric--" "You get down here now, dammit! You get down here now! I've had enough of this! I'm not playing around!" "You always said Hogan was not the Man - you were the Man--" "I am the Man!" "--well, on that cue I'd like to have Hogan to come out here 'cause I've got something to say to Hogan." YOU KNOW WHO comes out. "Are you actually turning your back on me and walking over to Hulkamania?" "Shut up Flair! I'll get to you in a minute. Double A, you got something to say to me, brother?" "Hulk, I've heard for fifteen years from his mouth that he was the Man. Here's the reality: in six days we find out who the Man is, and you know what you're getting yourself into - you know how dangerous he is, I know how dangerous he is - you put Package and Liz in the corner, you've gotta long road ahead of you, but when you put those eyes in the back of your head, because he's wrong - and in this situation you're right--" "NO!" "--you won't have to look for me coming out of one of those dark corners...'cause I'm not gonna be there. I'm taking myself out of the whole damn shootin' match." And he walks away. "Wwwwwwhaaaat? WHAT?!?" "Looks like YOU got a problem, Ric Flair! For twenty years, brother, you depended on that man to watch your back. For twenty years, brother, I've been the man in this business - and comin' this weekend, brother, at UNcensored, when I strap this python to your jet-flyin', limousine-ridin', wheelin-dealin', peroxided, you know what, brother, I'm gonna put an end to the myth of Ric Flair once and for all. And you know something - this is HULK country, brother. THESE are the people who made the dream come alive, and from the way things sound out here, brother, I don't think these people WANT us to wait 'til next week, and I'll be damned - I don't think I am--" "You won't dare!" Hogan rushes the ring - Flair gets in the first shot, punches and chops - no effect - Hogan POINTS! Right, right, right, off the ropes, big boot! Now THE NARCISSIST is out - WHACK with the bat. Stomping away on Hogan. Standing on the face - another big bat shot! Flair takes his HULKSTER strap and whips hogan with it - both men stomping - REFS & SECURITY are out but Flair fends them off. TRAINER DANNY YOUNG is out and finally with Hogan. Hogan says it's his shoulder - amazingly, his broken arm isn't hurt at all - WOW!! SCOTT DICKENSON IS BACK!!!!

"Beyond the Mat" ad - you go see it this weekend, y'hear?

Hey! Kings/Blazers tomorrow! Prepare for disappointment!

RIKI RACHTMAN is on the Road to Spring Breaker - which went through Liquid Lounge in Providence last Saturday. Get excited! 3 Count! Disco Inferno!

Let Us Take You Back to Moments Ago as Hogan's shoulder (but not his broken arm) was injured.

Monday Nitro is brought to you in part by Castrol Motor Oily!

Your hosts are TONY SCHIAVONE and ROB VAN DAM. Crowd chants "Weasel" because they miss Bobby Heenan. Tonight, a big six man!

Backstage, Hogan tries to shrug off medical help - Jimmy Hart tells him he's gotta go get checked out - hmmm, Arn Anderson looking on in the background...

The graphic don't lie - it's a Strap Match - Hulk Hogan vs. Ric Flair - UNcensored is Sunday!

3 COUNT v. JUNG DRAGONS - the Dragons storm the ring and it's on - everybody ducks, double dropkick takes out Karagias and Moore, spin kick by Yang on Helms, elbowdrop by Kaz, Whiteguy-san covers for 1. Waistlock, Helms elbows out, go behind, up and over, dropkick into the unfriendly cover, blind tag, 'rana, plancha, Yang pulled down by Moore, Yang takes Moore to the floor with a right. Martial arts punches by Yang. Into the ropes, duck, standing side kick by Helms. Tag to Karagias - missile dropkick/Russian legsweep combo. Into the ropes, Yang hooks the arm but falls anyway (oops), both men collide in mid-ring. Both men manage tags, it's Kaz and Shannon Moore. Duck, spin kick by Kaz. Slap, into the ropes, Moore up and over, Kaz shoves him off his shoulders and to the floor - tope with a twist by Kaz! The other four in the ring, double knockdown, Helms into the ropes, Karagias boosts him into Kaz and Moore! It's lucha trainwreck time, baby - here comes Jamie-san springing off of Karagias - Yang is pressed onto the pile - Karagias springing off the top with a plancha! Everybody goes down - Shannon Moore with an Asai moonsault! Jamie-san and Moore back in the ring. Top rope...Jamie-san crotches him. Up on top - superplex! Helms and Kaz each fly off the top onto the opponents already in the ring. Referee "Blind" Charles Robinson counts on ....wlel, nobody - Kaz and Karagias each drop an elbow on their pile from the top. Karagias going for Kaz - duck, clothesline takes both men outside. Jamie-sean with a gutshot on Moore - sleeper by Moore - then dropping down with a neckbreaker! 1, 2, 3! Well, that sure was a spotastic match. (3:42) 3 Count will now go on to face Knobs in a gauntlet match.

Backstage, Package tells Flair he doesn't need that old has-been anymore, and hey, how about that punking out Hogan early, huh? Flair is super excited - apparently because Luger forgot what he said on Thunder about "if no Anderson, no Flair..." "To hell with Arn Anderson!"

Meanwhile, Arn is WALKING! out of the building. He happens to happen upon Curt Hennig (in WBF tank top?!?) on his way out - this business no longer resembles anything he wants to be in. He's going home to see his kids...say, how many miles IS it from Providence to North Carolina?

NEXT, Bam Bam Bigelow is WALKING!

Also, the Wall is WALKING!

Promotional consideration paid for by Slim Jim, Sauder furniture, and Toaster Breaks pizza from Hot Pockets

Close captioning where available sponsored by America (ha) Online!

El Dandy and Silver King go through their fanmail - Miss Handcock approaches - Silver King tells her that in Mexico, they are big stars. Dandy calls her "Mommy" and asks "Do we not excite your groin?" Handcock, disgusted, walks off. "She'll be back." Hey, who are WE to doubt El Dandy?

THE WALL v. TRIPPA B - Let Us Take You Back to Several Clips to Show You How This Man Is Being Pushed Down Our Throats - err, sorry, didn't mean it like that. Wall sets up a table outside the ring, then channels Barry Darsow to the camera, by promising to chokeslam somebody right through this stinkin' table. Bigelow runs out just as his music starts - after a tet a tet on the outside, we roll in the ring - Bigelow trying to keep him from getting through the ropes, big punches, choke - now Wall grabs Bigelow's right arm and handcuffs him to the post. We see the BADLANDERS coming down the aisle. Mickie Jay catches this and calls for the bell (DQ :43) - the evil noisy logo tells us that UNCENSORED DAYS UNTIL 6 - Crowbar gently taps Wall with his lead pipe, then holds his neck. Another pipe shot tried, right, right, right, off the ropes, reversed, big boot and both men go down - clumsly Wall!

WCW Spring Break-Out 2000 is brought to you by Tough Actin' Tinactin and TracFone!

1-800-COL-LECT brings you a replay of the Wall unleashing carnage 'pon the squared circle and its immediate vicinity

JEDOUBLEF JADOUBLEREDOUBLET, the HARRIS BROS and SIX - NO, THREE WOMEN walk out to try to match Flair, Anderson and Hogan in terms of cuttin' a promo, yo - well, two out of three ain't bad, anyway. Even with the ramp covered, at least one of the women slips - God bless 'em! We go through the bit where Jeff pretends he's gonna let the women flaunt their boobies but then, just when the audience starts to believe it - he sends them away! WOW, that fooled EVERYBODY! Six days away for Jarrett - he reminds us that he's gotten three recent pins on Mr. Vicious - and you can believe him, 'cause he's got footag! Jarrett channels Shane McMahon, punctuating his guitar kabongs with "OHHHH!" Each pin is preceded by a broken guitar - now if YOU were Jarrett, wouldn't you EDIT THOSE OUT? Jarrett promises that he'll win the title Sunday. As for Sid, his boys the Harrisses challenge Sid and a partner of his choice - what if Vicious chooses Jarrett? Somebody says "With My Baby Tonight" and feeds the WWF lawyers for a week. Here comes SID VISCOUS - I guess I'll transcribe him for my good friends at tOA. "Let's get three things straight, Double J! At Uncensored, I'm gonna take your smartass mouth, I'm gonna rip it eight feet wide, and I'm gonna slip ol' slapnuts right in. (Brief music hit - huh?) Number two - is you don't have my number - you've never had my number - and you won't know the number but there's one number you should keep in mind for yourself - it is 9-1-1! Now, third, as far as the Harris brothers go, I'd rather kick their ass by myself...but see, it's not gonna be that hard to find a problem - or that hard to find a partner because, see, anyone would love to kick your asses! And people are lining up and I got somebody back here that's interested in doing that job tonight!" The music fires up and it's VAMPIRO! "That's right, Double J, Vampiro will be my partner tonight, and we will take the two bald-headed goofs and KICK - THEIR - ASS!" "And Jeff Jarrett - I'm BEGGIN' you to stick that slapnut face in my match!" Sid's music plays before Vampiro can add "and I'll job tonight, thanks."

The world heavyweight championship is on the line - the graphic says it's Vicious vs. Jarrett - yup

Backstage, Crowbar is wheeled into the ambulance, Flair climbs in after him (nice UK tour shirt!) Bigelow says it's all his fault, then talks directly to the camera, challenging a match to Wall. Highlight of the interview is Bigelow losing track. "We'll - we'll - whatever!" Then he calls Wall "World." "I'm taking you out - if it means the world!"

GENE O. works tonight! He stands backstage with Harlem Heat. Stevie Ray says he'll make short order of the Disco Inferno - Big T & Cash watch his back, so his goons better not think about getting involved. He also tells Kidman not to trust Booker. J. Biggs has simliar words: "If it slithers - if it's slimy - you know what it is? It's a snake. Kidman, you better watch out for Booker - he's nothin' but a low-down nasty snake."

Two weeks from tonight, it's WCW Monday Nitro: Spring Break-out 2000! Get excited! TracFone! tnt.turner.com! Go go go!

Brian Knobs asks us to never wrestle - just in case we end up better than him

Hey, look - it's the NITRO GRRLS! And some of 'em are wearing the ass-hangin'-out outfits, yo!

PAUL ORNDORFF visits the Arnold Schwarzenegger Classic and gets lotsa celebs to talk about "Big Jake," who apparently has no last name to match his 28" biceps. Orndorff wants to sign him to the Power Plant! Orndorff: wooden. Jake's entourage guy: INCREDIBLY bad actor. Jake: looks pretty dim. Yeah, he's got REALLY BIG ARMS - surely he'll be a FANTASTIC WRESTLER!!

BILLY KIDMAN (with Torrie Samuda) and BOOKA v. LANE & RAVE - Let Us Take You Back to Thunder where, once again, miscommunication leads to disastrous results for Kidman and Booker. Well, despite yet another name change for Lodi, we'll give WCW props for not trying to mute the word "rat" tonight. MISS HANDCOCK is out, so why bother talking about the match? Handcock says she's out scouting talent - and El Dandy & Silver King aren't it. We learn that she's actually got her eye on ...Billy Kidman. As if on cue, Torrie walks over to get really close to Handcock in order to use her headset, but it more resembles one o' them lesbian fantasies. I THINK she said the gist was the Kidman was taken. Booker ignores referee "Blind" Billy Silverman not noticing the tag and cleans house on Lane & I--Rave. Axe kick on Lane - breakdancing back up - Harlem sidekick! Going up top for the missile dropkick - but Kidman is over with a schoolboy - 1, 2, 3. (2:50) - Booker acts annoyed that Kidman scored the pinfall - well, that's kinda unlike him. Tony says that WCW stands for "We Can't Work (together)."

Curt Hennig is WALKING!

So are Total Package and Elizabeth!

At UNcensored, Total Package takes on Sting - for the LAST last time! It's a Lumberjack Cast Match! Get down! Apparently, friendly people will put casts on their UNbroken arms and serve as evil lumberjacks, in addition to all the people with broken arms, who will apparently be GOOD lumberjacks. Okay.

THE NARCISSIST (with Liz and TV-14-DLS ratings box) v. CURT HENNIG - Let Us Take You Back to Last Week where Curt Hennig got a cast, and Earlier Tonight where they took on Hogan.

NEXT: Vampiro has some words for Jeff Jarrett. You know, I don't think that's really next...I think the BEST thing about this interview is that you can't HELP but hear Hulk Hogan's music playing over it THE WHOLE TIME! Damn, have they got it OUT for this kid or WHAT?

Meanwhile, Brian Knobs looks for Dog - then finds him in a wrecked dressing room - drinking from a toilet in the adjoining bathroom.

Drinking from a toilet.

Promotional consideration paid for by Toaster Breaks pizza from Hot Pockets (again), Jolly Time Blast O Butter popcorn and Meineke Discount Mufflers!

A mere $20 + $5.95 will get you a "Listen Up Slap Nuts" shirt!

More Countdown to Spring Break clips - oy

TONIGHT: the graphics are set - Flair and Package vs. Hogan and Hennig!

Hey, look! It's the Nitro Grrls!

Gene O. stands with Sid Vicious - oof, not ANOTHER Vicious slaughter on the English...FINE. "See there's nothing else to say. Jarrett, at Uncensored I will OWN you! But tonight, I will out your take sweet revenge on the Harris brothers. Now Vampiro, if you want to join in, that's okay, but you gotta understand one thing. That I will be the first in line to get my share of those two guys - or it will be the final Nail in the Coffin. Hehehehehehe - NO! IT'LL BE THE POWERBOMB!"

DOG (with Brian Knobs) v. SCREAMIN' NORMAN SMILEY - Let Us Take You Back Two Weeks, One Week, oof. Smiley comes in as Dog has his hood on - he's doin' him in da butt and smackin' his bitch up! Dog chases Smiley up the tunbuckles as a cat in a tree.

We look backstage to see Terry Funk saying "Hardcore, my ass - I'LL show him hardcore!" Need I even bother to add that he is also WALKING!

WCW Superstar Series video ad - oh, and the Nitro Girls Swimsuit calendar special

Dustin Rhodes vs. Terry Funk at UNcensored, sez the graphic

Backstage, Dog has Smiley in a hockey something-or-other and he's working an Alka-Seltzer riff

Back in the ring, Knobs is filling the ring with plundah - referee "Blind" Charles Robinson has joined him - apparently, Funk is lost in the catacombs backstage - ahhh, there's the music

BRIAN KNOBS v. TERRY FUNK in a Hardcore match - "THAT'S RIGHT FUNK! HEY THAT'S RIGHT FUNK! COME AND BRING IT ON - 'CAUSE I'M GONNA STICK YOUR HEAD [first mute of the night - ah well]" Knobs breaks a mop, takes a garbage can, a kendo stick, and a chair to Funk's back. Tony gives an endorsement of "Beyond the Mat" by way of praising Funk - or is it the other way around? Outside the ring, Knobs follows and takes a cast to the back. Trashcan lid to the noodle. Cymbal shot with two lids. Knobs taken over the barricade, Funk follows, chair, back over the rail, back in the ring, trashcan lid by Knobs, Knobs with a trashcan, again, again, Funk drops HIS trashcan and goes to the rubber legs. Blocked - Funk grabs the can and rams BOTH their heads into the trashcan. Schiavone - LAUGHS. WHY does Schiavone laugh during the most "brutal" matches? It demeans their performance, fer cryin' out loud! Well now 3 COUNT are out and I'm RAPIDLY losing interest in this match. Check that, it's only Shannon and Evan - Shane has a broken nose, we are told. Evan off the top with the Hardcore title belt - Funk dragged in the ring and on top. 1, 2, 3. (3:02) Afterwards, a double dropkick for Funk - their song starts, but Knobs hits a double clothesline on both men to stop THAT. "... takes down the two members of 2 Count - or the three members of 3 Count - I don't know WHAT I'm saying!" Funk's found his chicken, good God almighty. Salmonella left for Helms! Salmonella left for Karagias! Funk asks Knobs to help him out - Shanno whipped into the chicken - repeat for Evan. Knobs takes Helms outside, then goes outside. Funk, still in the ring, gets bushwhacked by DUSTIN RHODES and a bullrope. Funk repeatedly run into the bell while Knobs chases off the two members of 3 Count. Funk choked with the rope. Keep ringing the bell! It might help...

NEXT: Jeff Jarrett tells the NWO he and the ladies aren't coming out with them. Then, they are WALKING!

Meanwhile, Sid Vicious and Vampiro, side by side, are, together...WALKING!

WCW Magazine ad - oh my it's full of people not wrestling currently

TONIGHT: Flair - Package - Hogan - Hennig

Let Us Take You Back to Last Wednesday, Where Fit Finlay Did A Lot of Bad Things to Vampiro - these two have a "falls count anywhere" match Sunday

Here's some comments from Fit Finlay - he's gonna give Vampiro a swirly! "Prepare yourself to get flushed!" Wow, I'd sure pay to see THAT!

SID VISCOUS and VAMPIRO v. HARRIS BROS - Let Us Take You Back One Week to a kabong and pin on Sid by Jarrett. Sid starts out on...Don. Yup. Right, climbing the corner, Ten Punch Count Along. Into the opposite corner, clothesline follows. Into the ropes, big boot, clothesline for Ron on the apron. Kick, tag, Vampiro to the top - plancha - "reverse enzuigiri" mule kick, off the ropes with a spinning heel kick, Ron in, superkick, Don with a uranage. 1, 2, nope. Tag to Ron. Off the ropes, double back elbow. Into the ropes, sidewalk slam. 1, 2, nope. Cover, 2. Tag. Irish whip into the corner, followed by a lariat. Into the first corner, Harris is hit with a spinning heel kick as he comes out, but on the apron, Ron clotheslines him, sending him spinning. Ron tagged in, right hand, kick, kick, kick, kick, kick, blatant choke, drives a shoulder in the gut, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, Vampiro gets up and asks for more, right, kick, shot on Sid to distract referee "Blind" Nick Patrick - Don comes in and together they take Vampiro into an H Bomb. Sid comes in off a blind tag - Chokeslam for Don, powerbomb for Ron - 1, 2, 3. (3:44) Sid walks off, all smiles, while Vampiro holds his arm out on the floor. Sid pantomimes a chokeslam for Jarrett - I think.

Gene O. - WOW! - stands in front of a door!

During the break, I'm sure Vampiro got demolished by the Harris brothers - that's how his push works, you see.

Riki Rachtman tortures us with more clips from the WCW Road to the Spring Break-Out

Thunder ad - well, how about that? No matches announced

Gene O. stands with Team Package - Package bemoans the coward Sting not appearing, then promises bad things for Hogan and Hennig. Flair says it might as well be UNcensored now, woooo!

STEVIE RAY (with Big T & J. Biggs & Cash)

Gene O. stands with Hogan, Hennig, and Hart. Hennig said this teaming is the greatest thing in wrestling history. Hmmm, I wonder if he'll turn on Hogan tonight. Hogan says "who would ever thought" a few times too many. It's gonna be UNcensored tonight - there will be some serious strap-ation! Hogan's a lexicographical MONSTAH, y'all.

COMING UP: last time to see these four graphics!

WCW Road to Spring Break-Out 2000 is brought to you by Tough Actin' Tinactin and TracFone! What, did you forget?

TEAM PACKAGE (with Liz) v. CURT HENNIG and YOU KNOW WHO (with James Hart) - Heels enter united. Let Us Take You Back to Last Week and Earlier Tonight In Clips We've Already Been Taken Back To - Tony: "You know, they say the force of leather when it becomes wet with sweat - on the bodies of the athletes, they say, it's like a knife slashing across the skin - and you know that leather belt, in the Strap Match, is gonna be just like that on Sunday night." Does that get YOU hot? Ewwwww...don't answer that! Good guys fail to enter together - Hennig waits at the top of the aisle for Hogan to come out...Jimmy Hart BRAZENLY displaying his "old WCW logo" jacket with Hogan's face on it. Long stall job by Flair and Package on the outside. Man, there are SO MANY unoccupied seats, even in camera range. Package and Hogan to start. Lockup, into the corner, big knee, big knee, big knee, big kick, big kick, big kick, big kick, big kick, Hogan rakes the face, head to the buckle, right, right, right, GIANT old WWF logo in the audience right behind the action, chop, right, chop, choke - hey, you think Hogan started so Hennig could turn on him after the tag? Naah - they JUST did that with Rhodes and Funk. Flair walks over - Hogan punches him. Into the corner, clothesline on Package, tag to Hennig - double right, I guess Hennig isn't turning. Oh well. Elbowdrop. Package taken into the corner - knife-edge chop. Into the opposite corner, but Package puts a boot up, tag to Flair. In the corner, chop! Hennig reverses, chop, chop, chop, right, into the oppoite corner - FLAIR FLIP! And running the apron into the big boot. Hogan working over Flair on the outside -

That show most decidedly did not suck. Thank GOD, I thought I was gonna have to quit or something...