QUICK QUOTES: AOL 66 7/8 (+ 5 9/16), TWX 93 13/16 (+ 7 5/16), SPLN 35 (- 22 3/8) - holy SHIT, Sportsline.com is down FORTY PERCENT?!? Those voodoo dolls Mike sent me DO work!

Here's some still shots (and a TV-14-DLS ratings box AND a close captioning logo) from last night's pay-per-view - just in case...you know....you MISSED it

"Earlier Today," Sid Vicious - ARRIVED! and walked amongst the people.

Opening bumper

PYRO - WE ARE LIVE from Gainseville, FL and the University of Florida Swamp (and the O'Connell center!) - the date is 30.3.2K and

GENE O. (who appears to be sober tonight) immediately sucks up to the locals and brings out SID VISCOUS for a few words. "The weight is off my shoulders, Mean Gene! And to you, Jeff Jarrett - I want to say something to you. See, you're not all that smart, are ya. See you've spouted out at the mouth for the last five or six weeks that 'I am going to Uncensored as the US title winner, and I am coming out the WCW Heavyweight Champion.' Naaah - that didn't happen! Gene, I'd like to tell ya a little story that would maybe illustrate what Jeff Jarrett's all about - see a guy once told me one time, you can take a pig - and put a purple ribbon around his neck - even go as far as bringing it into your living room - but he's still a pig - Jeff Jarret, you are a PIG and at Uncensored, I showed to you who the master the ruler is, and why this belt is around MY waist - because *I* deserve it!" Gene asks him what's next, but before he can give me some MORE entertainment, the music starts up and out comes JEDOUBLE JADOUBLEREDOUBLET along with the HARRIS BROS. Sid makes the "cryin' eyes" hand motion while Jarrett says "slapnuts." He's not done with Sid yet - oh no, not by a long shot. Jarrett says he wants another shot, but he knows Sid won't give him one - this not FIVE SECONDS after Sid asks him to "come get some," which apparently has some meaning of which I'm not aware. Anyway, Jarrett suggests a tag match - if he can pin Vicious, he gets another title shot; if Vicious pins Jarrett, he'll NEVER get another title shot again. Jarrett brings out his partner before Vicious answers - oh boy! - it's SUPERSTAR SCOTT STEINER fresh off his paid vacation and accompanied by the NWO GRRLZ. His mouth is taped with "CENSORED" written off it - but he removes the tape. Now, the last time Steiner spoke, I didn't censor it and I missed the words that got him taken off the air, so I guess this week I'll give it to ya. Pray for me. "Cut my music! You see, WCW couldn't censor me, and they sure as hell couldn't make me for showing up here tonight, and that's bad news for you, Sid Vicious, 'cause tonight I'm gonna kick your ass!" (Hulk Hogan's music briefly fires up here - oops) "And there ain't a damn thing you can do about it!" "I say, that's pretty good conversation coming out of a couple pigs like yourselves - but you know what? I don't need a tag team partner to kick your ass Scott Steiner, or your ass Jeff Jarrett. I don't need a partner but the truth be known is, it wouldn't really be that hard to find someone, 'cause behind those door has gotta be at least a list of twenty people would like to put their foot in (your ass)!" NOW they censor it? "Well, slapass - bring 'em on." "I say - hit the music!" and sure enough, out bounds YOU KNOW WHO. Hogan says Sid rules the world, and he knows all about these NWO chumps, 'cause he used to be the baddest man in the NWO 'til he shook off them ticks. Hogan offers to be his partner - he'll help "kick their ass." Sid gets on his knees in the ring. "I'm beggin' ya Hogan, please be my partner tonight and help me wipe out the NWO - ONCE AND FOR - AAAAAAALLLLLLLL!" Hogan says they'll get their ass kicked "maniac style, brother!" Now play his music!

This portion of WCW Monday Nitro on TNT is brought to you by 1-800-COL-LECT!

Your hosts are TONY SCHIAVONE and ROB VAN DAM. Schiavone goes over what happened with all the belts, Chris Candido - then turns to tonight. The main event, we just learned, is a big tag team match - Vicious and Hogan against Jarrett and Steiner. Also tonight, Vampiro takes on Total Package! The Nitro return of Sting...against Ric Flair! (Wait, didn't we just see that quite recently? Oh, wait, everybody was watching RAW that week.)

Backstage, Total Package and Ric Flair give us exposition - tonight, Vampiro and Sting pay the price at the hands of Team Package (woooo!)

NEXT: Hard Knox Chris Candido is WALKING! Whoa, how'd he FREEZE like that in midstep?

RIKI RACHTMAN is at A.J. Sports in Tallahassee - or rather, was last Saturday.

Campus Clash was at FSU - a fact not lost upon all the UF in-arena fans, who boo the entire clip and keep going as

Gene O. talks to CHAVO GUERRERO JNR, who wanted to know how they could have a cruiserweight tournament without him. In case you missed his interview on Thunder a few weeks back, he's out for the belt because he needs the money that goes with it. THEN he picks Gene's pocket. Yeah!

THE ACRONYM & PAISLEY join the commentary team. Guess which one talks?

LASH LeROUX v. "HARD KNOX" CHRIS CANDIDO - Candido takes the mic and says he's got no gimmick, no catchphrases, and no trashy valet. Well, DAMN, does this mean no Tammy for us? Before Candido goes into one of his "hard knox" stories, LeRoux dropkicks him in the back of the head. Candido up, chain wrestling, LeRoux reverses, to the ropes. Lunging at him, drop toe hold, into the corner, hiptoss takeover by LeRoux, scoop slam, dropkick, into the ropes, knockdown by LeRoux - off the ropes, leapfrog, slides under, right misses, Candido hits an enzuigiri for 2. Vertical suplex coming up - half hour variety - Candido again gets 2. Scoop - and a slam. Candido on the second rope - guillotine legdrop - 2. LeRoux with a right, Candido sets him in the corner, knife-edge chop, right, into the opposite corner, Candido crotches himself. Off the ropes, LeRoux with a back body drop - into the ropes, LeRoux presses him up, and lets him drop. Bayou Blues! LeRoux on top - Candido crotches HIM - then he climbs up - right - both men on top - superplex! Candido to the top rope - swandive headbutt! 1, 2, 3! (3:05) Post-match...NOTHING happens. Wow!

Backstage, XS talk about rizzats - then Miss Hancock appears and says that Wednesday, she's bringing Los Fabulosos to Thunder, and they'll see what she's been talking about! That's it, Nitro just became the #2 show. SEE YA!

La Parka even makes WALKING! look good!

Promotional consideration paid for by Slim Jim and Judge Wapner's Cash Scam - only two sponsors? Are they running out of 'em? Come on! I'm hungry for some sort of Hot Pocket product here!

Close captioning where available brought to you by America (ha!) Online!

Booker and Kidman talk about watching each other's backs - Torrie looks pretty.

Meanwhile, David Flair and Daffney are WALKING!

The Nitro Spring Break Out 2000 is brought to you by Tough Actin' Tinactin and by TracFone! Doesn't that logo look like they made a mistake and had to cross something out?

Vampiro talks a bit, then removes his cast. When he says "This might definitely might not be the smartest thing I've ever done," which particular decision do you think he's talking about?

Let Us Take You Back to Last Night and a contrived chokeslam onto some "exploding spark" computer monitors. Also, Crowbar took a Foley bump in order to put the Wall over - what a deal for Crowbar!

Gene O. welcomes DAVID FLAIR & DAFFNEY UNGER to the ring. Daffney's "WALL SUX" shirt is *not* video distorted. Before coming into the ring, Flair sets up a table outside the ring - presumbly so he can go through it in a couple minutes. "You know what, Mean Gene - I just heard from the hospital - and Bam Bam Bigelow and my best friend Crowbar are sharing a room - and there's one - SHUTUP! - and there's one bed left. So what I want you to do is get that big, tall, hairy goof out here right now so I can stick his fat head through that table so GET HIM OUT HERE! Get him out here right now." For an encore, Flair removes his own neck brace as THE WALL walks out, halts a wild swing of the crowbar by blocking it - gutshot - choke - whispers something in his ear - then lets him go...then as Flair turns his back, clubs him one - puts him through the ropes - and - Daffney gives him a blast with the fire extinguisher - Wall NO-SELLS it! Then, he - wait for it - chokeslams him through the table. SECURITY comes out (just a little late, guys) and off walks Wall - smiling...

Next week, the WCW Spring Break Out 2000 - catch the live WebCast at www.tnt.turner.com! Brought to you by TracFone! Are you excited yet?

"Yo, kids! I'm Brian Knobs and I may be hardcore, but I use my head!" Har har.

Tony Schiavone tries to throw it to the Wolverine boot stomp of the night, but instead of seeing a replay of the chokeslam, we end up seeing a "Total Package vs. Vampiro" graphic and also a "Ric Flair vs. Sting" graphic.

And NOW we get that Wolverine Boots Stomp of the Night - a fire extinguisher spray that has no effect on the tough German bodyguard - oh, wait, he's from Jersey. Never mind. Flair's head actually BOUNCES off the table in this angle - yow.

Subscribe to WCW Magazine and get this great centerfold of Torrie Wilson!

BILLY KIDMAN (with Torrie Samuda & still shots) and BOOKA v. HARRIS BROS (with still shots) for the tag team championship - last night, Booker and Kidman came together and all was right with the world. Hey, you wanna bet it all falls apart tonight? Last night, the Mamalukes proved what a great team they were by jobbing away the titles in a match NOBODY cared about. Booker starts with...that's Don, right? Lockup, arm wringer by Booker, working the arm, chain wrestling, Harris power out, duck, clotheline, gutshot, axe kick! Breakdancing up - cover, 1, broken up, tag out to Ron. Tag in to Kidman. Now listen here: if *I* can tell them apart, and I'm watching them all the way out here on TV, can't Tony (sitting about twelve feet away) be bothered to tell them apart as well? Hell, freakin' TENAY can figure it out. Lockup, knee by Harris - put in the unfriendly corner for a bit of doubleteam action. Tilt-a-whirl slam by Harris. Pounding away on him. Into the ropes, pressing him up but Kidman dropkicks him and tags in Booker, and he's a HOUSE ON FIRE! Botched uranage on Don - almost-as-bad uranage on Ron - oof - cover - broken up at 2. Ron with a right, whips him into Don - but Booker reverses it and they collide - Kidman in with a tornado bulldog! Booker to the top to finish him off with the missile dropkick, but before he can do that, Don is over with a tag team championship belt - WHACK - and as Booker falls, referee "Blind" Nick Patrick calls for the bell (DQ 2:14). Torrie jumps on Don's back (!) - he pushes her off and before we can figure out if she fell out or not we zoom out - WAY out - Kidman is over with a chair to save her. Well, looks like they're not breaking up tonight...

Backstage, the Mamalukes mope about losing their belts - Disco Inferno appears and gets blamed for the loss, as well as his inability to secure a rematch. Vito tells Johnny that "he's not hangin' with us no more" and promises to take care of things himself...

Total Package and Elizabeth are WALKING! Yow, Liz!

Meanwhile, Vampiro is WALKING!

Here's that Total Package vs. Vampiro graphic - one more time

Hey, that dude with the tray of Big Red - is he in like some GIANT UNISEX bathroom or something?

THE NARCISSIST (with Liz & TV-14-DLS ratings box)

Gene O. stands in the NWO dressing room - Jarrett says he'll walk out with a title shot tonight. Steiner babbles incoherently, then coherently. Neither are worth reporting.

TONIGHT: Hulk Hogan & Sid Vicious against Jeff Jarrett and Big Poppa Pump - the graphic don't lie! Also, the Flair/Sting graphic one more time

Promotional consideration paid for by Lean Pockets from Hot Pockets (yeah!), Jolly Time Blast O Butter popcorn, and Sauder furniture

NitroGirls.com spot

"How to get your wrist bands" directions again - WOW! BETTER THAN EZRA! It's GOOD! Woo-we-ne-wa-na-WAA-ha

Riki Rachtman gets insane with us and plugs the upcoming webcast next week

Hey, look! It's

Gene O. shares some words with Dustin Rhodes. Tonight Curt Hennig will bite the dust!

Last night, Sid Vicious held a post-match press conference in jeans only - ooh la la! Hulk Hogan interrupted to give his personal seal of approval to Vicious...then lingered as the press continued to ask him questions, ignoring Sid. Do you see where this is going? If not, the commentators are there to BEAT IT INTO YOU

SCREAMIN' GATOR 96 (with still shots) v. WHO? HUGH! MORRUS - last night, the Screamin' Demons beat XS - c'mon, you KNOW you care. Side headlock by Smiley, arm wringer, reversed, into the ropes, dueling hiptosses, into the ropes, shoulderblock by Morrus, knee off the second rope misses, Smiley does him in da butt and smacks him up like he's his bitch, Morrus turns around and beats him senseless with rights. Into the ropes, shot from Smiley, gutshot, double underhook - Morrus stops him and backdrops him, Smiley rolls it through for 2! Headbutt by Smiley, right, into the ropes, reversed, duck, but not the elbow. Morrus off the ropes, laughing elbow, another, 1, 2, HE PULLS HIM UP!!!!!!!! I *always* mark out for that. Running powerslam. 1, 2, HE PULLS HIM UP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Hugh Morrus is DA MAN. Scoops him up - Smiley squirts out and hits a schoolboy - 1, 2, no! Morrus bowls him over with a clothesline - looks like No Laughing Matter coming up - as it hits, "God of Thunder" starts up for no apparent reason. 1, 2, 3. (2:43) DEMON is out as "the biggest KISS fan on earth" fails to recognise "God of Thunder." Morrus attacks HIM, too, just for the hell of it. Nice powerslam. Morrus walks off. Hey, you know that on wcw.com, they actually came out and ADMITTED that Morrus' music was a complete ripoff of "The Zoo?" Yup! "Didn't get the Wiggle - but you got a little - giggle!" Get down, Morrus.

Gene O. stands with Curt Hennig - he has some respect for Dustin Rhodes as a second-generation wrestler, but when you talk about putting him on a list - well, he's gonna earn some respect tonight!

Meanwhile, Dustin Rhodes is WALKING! It must be NEXT!

"Positively Page" ad - hey, if he's such a role model, how come he don't appear on TV no more?

Gene O. - WOW! - stands in front of an EXCITING door! Sid Vicious and Hulk Hogan are planning behind it - he'll talk to them ... after THIS match!

DUSTIN RHODES (with still shots) v. CURT HENNIG - Last night, a guy in a chicken suit figured into the bullrope match. I think that says it all. PERFECT GUM SWAT!!! I hope the actual MATCH gets me that excited. Lockup, stalemate. Lockup, into the corner, no clean break as Rhodes hits a right, and another, into the opposite corner, hiplock takeover, armdrag by Hennig to counter - shoving match, kneelift, chop, right, right, Hennig in command now, another kidney shot - off the ropes, punch to the gut, patented kneelift, patented snap of the head. Rhodes begging off - and going to the eyes. Two uppercuts. In the corner, into the other corner, uppercut takes Hennig to the outside. Rhodes follows and so does referee "Blind" Nick Patrick. Rhodes takes the cast to the barricade, then kicks it - then rips it off...Patrick calls for the bell. (DQ 1:50) Rhodes isn't done, though - Hennig's head taken to the commentary table - KO blow for Patrick, back to Hennig. Hennig put back in the ring and he brings in a chair on his way back in. Chair to the broken arm! YOU KNOW WHO (?) comes out - one right puts Rhodes down - he's got the chair, and Rhodes decides it might be best to take his leave.

Gene O. stands with Sid Vicious alone, as Hogan is occupied. "Double J, you're not that smart. See, you didn't come out of Uncensored as the World Heavyweight champion - the belt is still around my waist - hahahahahaha!! Hey, Jimmy! Thank God you're here - listen, tonight's me and Hogan, we're going against Jeff Jarrett and Big Poppa Pump - now you know those guys as well as I do, they're up to no good so I want you to take every precaution you can - be sure that *no one* is able to come to that ring and interfere tonight - you got that? Thanks, man! Thanks! See, what you did at the Uncensored, you came, and you took the Judgement Day. You found out who the master really is. I want you to put that in the back of your mind - and remember it - for the rest - of your - life. Hee hee hee...."

NEXT: Tank Abbott is WALKING!

Jimmy Barron and 1-800-CAL-LATT conspire to hype up next week's Nitro - PUH-LEEEEEEEEEEZE show up

1-800-CAL-LATT *also* bring you this portion of WCW Monday Nitro LIVE on TNT! Hey, I heard DJ Ran just there - somebody gets fired

Sting carries the power of the card - the WCW Mastercard - rrrrrrrrroar

Gene O. stands with the aforementioned Sting. He's gonna split Team Package right down the middle just like he did last night. Owoooooo! Showtime! Owoooooooo!

TANK YEAHBABY ABBOTT YEAHBABY YEAHBABY (with still shots) v. BARBARIAN - Abbott coldcocked Doug Dillenger last night - I hear that Dillenger = buyrate. Backstage, Meng watches on a monitor and says to the camera "Not long now, Tank - not long at all!" Dammit, I KNOW I've recapped this match before. Ahh, HERE'S the twist. Barbarian takes referee "Blind" Billy Silverman and sits him on the top turnbuckle and tells him to stay out of it. Abbott ducks a strike and now they're trading blows. Barbarian taking control? Chop, chop, elbow, off the ropes, spear attempted but failed - Abbott with a forearm - slings him over his shoulder, then dumps him to the mat. Now clubbing him in the back - got him in a facelock. Dueling holds - Barbarian puts him down! In the corner - right, right, Barbarian pummeling away - Silverman cautiously over to break it up. AGAIN Barbarian picks him up and sets him down on a corner. I have a feeling he'll turn around into a knockout punch - whoops, if the left one don't getcha, the right one will. Abbott at least manages to wait for Silverman to ring the bell (ref stop 1:46) before leaving the ring

Ric Flair is WALKING! And TALKING!

Meanwhile, Sting is content to limit his activity to merely WALKING!

Hey, how'zabout that Sting/Flair graphic one more time...

Hey! How'zabout one more list of directions to get your wrist bands? You know what would be fun? If a whole bunch of people WITHOUT wrist bands just STORMED the place...oh you didn't get that idea from me...

Riki Rachtman wastes our time one more time

WCW Magazine features an article on the Man Called Sting - by God, if THAT don't make you want to subscribe RIGHT NOW I don't know WHAT will

THE MAN (with still shots) v.

The NWO is WALKING!

Sid Vicious and Hulk Hogan are WALKING!

The graphic just might be WALKING!

By the way, the WCW Spring Break-Out 2000 is brought to you by Tough Actin' Tinactin and Tracfone

Let's look at all them still shots ONE MORE TIME - helps to hype the encore presentation

JEDOUBLEF JADOUBLEREDOUBLET & SUPERSTAR SCOTT STEINER (with the Harris Bros and NWO Grrlz) v. SID VISCOUS (with still shots) and

At least on Wednesday, we'll get Los Fabulosos...and Bobby Heenan!